You’re reading WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT SEX, an inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex, by Eric Elder. Also available in paperback and eBook formats in our bookstore for a donation of any size!

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Sex is the process by which many living things reproduce, from plants, trees and animals, to birds, fish and people.

Sex is also one of the most incredible processes ever conceived in the mind of God.  I’ve been at the birth of each of my children, and the way a child is born is astounding.  But I’ve also been at the conception of each of my children, that moment in time when they were created, and I can say that the way a child is conceived in the first place is equally astounding, if not more so!

I’d like to describe that process to you here, as God has revealed it to us through the design of nature itself.  Although I’ve taken great care to describe this process in a simple way, don’t mistake my simple description for a simple process. The human reproductive system is one of the most intricate and complex systems ever created.

Sex 101

Babies are very fragile and need a safe place to grow, so God created just such a place inside each woman called a womb.  The womb is made of a soft, expandable tissue that gently cuddles a baby.

But a baby doesn’t start as a full-grown baby; it starts as a tiny egg, smaller than the dot at the end of this sentence.  When a woman reaches puberty, the age when she’s old enough to start having children, God designed her body to begin to release eggs into her womb.  About once every month, an egg is released from a small holding area, called an ovary, just above the womb.  When the ovary releases the egg, the egg glides down a thin tube towards the womb.  There are two of these ovaries and two of these tubes that lead into the womb.  Only one of the ovaries will usually release an egg each month.

The egg gradually makes its way through the tube, waiting to be fertilized, something I’ll discuss below.  If the egg isn’t fertilized within a few days, it simply travels on through the womb and down a larger tube that comes out of a woman’s body called the vagina.  The vagina is the central opening of the three openings between a woman’s legs.  The urethra, where the urine, or liquid waste comes out, is in front of the vagina, and the rectum, where the bowel movements, or solid waste comes out, is behind it.

The egg that comes out of the vagina is too small to be seen, but some of the blood that lines the inside walls of the womb does come out with the egg as a way of cleansing the womb before the process starts all over again.  Because this flow of blood containing the egg usually happens about once a month, or periodically, people call this monthly flow a period.  

The next month, the process starts over and another egg is released from one of the ovaries.  This egg then travels down the tube, called the fallopian tube, towards the womb, also called the uterus, to be possibly fertilized.  If the egg isn’t fertilized, it travels on through the womb and down the vagina, then comes out with the blood from the womb in the next period.

The release of eggs within a woman is important, but without fertilization, a baby can’t be created.  Fertilization is the spark that creates a new life.  Fertilization occurs when something called a sperm comes into contact with an egg.  Sperm are also very tiny; they’re even smaller than the egg.

But a woman’s body doesn’t produce sperm.  Sperm are only produced inside a man’s body.  Just as a woman’s body contains two ovaries where eggs are stored, a man’s body contains two testicles where sperm are produced.  These two testicles are held in a sack of skin, called the scrotum, found between a man’s legs.  The sperm must be kept a little cooler than the rest of the body, so God created this sack to hang just outside the man’s body to keep the temperature just right.

When a man gets old enough to start having children, his testicles begin to produce sperm.  Since a sperm and an egg must come into contact with each other in order to create a child, God designed a way to get the sperm and egg together without ever having to travel outside a human body.  And the way God brings the sperm and egg together is through this incredible experience called sex.

Our bodies are wired with special nerves near the surface of our skin that can make us feel great when someone gives us a hug or a kiss.  But God has saved a romantic kind of hugging and kissing that we can enjoy with our husbands or wives that can feel even more amazing.

During these special times of hugging and kissing, a man’s penis is stimulated by all the touching so that it becomes straight and firm, even though it’s still soft to the touch.  The penis becomes this way as blood rushes into it and flows into a unique type of body tissue found in the penis.

As the man and woman snuggle closer to each other, his penis begins to release a smooth, clear, lotion-like fluid called semen.  In the same way, the woman’s body releases a similarly smooth and clear fluid that lubricates her vagina, the tube that leads into her womb.  All of this naturally produced lotion makes the rubbing and touching even more smooth and wonderful.

God has designed the woman’s vagina to be soft and expandable so that her husband’s penis can fit softly and snugly inside it.  As a man and woman continue to love each other in this way, with his penis gently rubbing inside her vagina, the rubbing movements eventually trigger millions of these minuscule sperm to be released from the testicles and they combine with the semen.  The combined sperm and semen then travel up through the penis and into the woman’s vagina and then on into the woman’s womb.

The release of sperm from the man’s body is called  an ejaculation.  At this climactic moment, both the man and woman will often feel an intensely pleasurable sensation called an orgasm.  In this way, God is able to get the sperm from the man’s body into the womb of the woman’s body without ever having to travel outside the human body!

If one of the woman’s ovaries has already released an egg into the tube leading to the womb, the first sperm to reach the egg and come into contact with it sparks the process of fertilization.  When that happens, a moment called conception, a new life is created and begins to grow in the womb.

After the sperm has been released from the man into the woman, the man’s penis begins to relax, and the husband and wife can continue to hold each other, hugging and kissing as long as they want.

The biological term for this process is sexual intercourse, which is usually just shortened to the word sex.  Because this process feels so great and makes a husband and wife feel so loved by each other, the experience is sometimes called making love.

God calls it becoming one flesh:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh”  (Genesis 2:24).

I call it a miracle!  I’ve never experienced anything like it in all my life.

When I first learned about sex, I thought that it was one of the most unusual things I had ever heard.  But since then, I’ve learned that it’s not unusual at all to God.  This is the process He’s been using for thousands of years to create new life.

If you ever have questions about sex, or about anything for that matter, ask God to give you His wisdom.  He’ll be glad to pour it out on you in abundance:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

Review Questions

1. What two things does God bring together through sex to create a child—one from a woman’s body and one from a man’s?

2. What happens to a woman’s egg if it has not been fertilized within a certain period of time?

3. What does God say that a man and his wife become when they are united together?  (Genesis 2:24)

4. What does God promise to give generously to those who ask Him for it? (James 1:5)

You’re reading WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT SEX, an inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex, by Eric Elder. Also available in paperback and eBook formats in our bookstore for a donation of any size!

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock” (Matthew 7:24).

There’s so much more I still want to tell you.  There’s so much more God still wants to tell you!  But I hope that what I’ve told you so far will give you a good foundation for everything else that God says about sex.

While there are many other issues that I could address here, and that God does address in the Bible, I feel that those I’ve covered so far will help to put many of the others into place.

The evangelist D. L. Moody said, “The best way to show that a stick is crooked is not to argue about it or to spend time denouncing it, but to lay a straight stick alongside it” (Love is the Greatest, George Sweeting, p. 81).

I hope this book will serve as a “straight stick” for you as you come across other issues related to sex.

Here’s a recap of some of the main points I hope you’ve gotten from this book so far:

1. God created sex for the twin purposes of intimacy and fruitfulness.  God loves people and He doesn’t want them to be alone.  Through sex, He’s made a way to fulfill the desires of His heart, while at the same time fulfilling the desires of our hearts.
2. God wants us to stay pure both before and within marriage. God wants us to treat others as if they’re someone else’s husband or wife until the day that we marry them, because until that day, they still might be.
3. God wants us to flee from temptation.  God knows what it’s like to be tempted and He will always provide us a way out of temptation if we’ll look for it and take it.  God wants us to learn to control our bodies, to pray against temptation, and to run from it!
4. God wants us to confess our sins so we can become pure again.  God doesn’t want Satan to keep us down when we sin.  By confessing our sins to Him and putting our faith in Jesus, God promises to forgive us of our sins so that we can live the life He’s called us to live, both here on earth and on into heaven.
5. God wants us to know our spouse intimately and regularly. God wants us to take time to know the husband or wife He has created for us, both before and after marriage.  The better we know them, the better we can treat them as the gifts from God that they truly are.
6. God wants us to view children as blessings.  By asking God to give us His mindset towards children, we can’t help but experience His blessings, regardless of how many, if any, children God might give us.

Before I close, I’d like to share with you the most profound difference that God has made in my life when I finally put into practice what He says about sex.  There’s no doubt that God wants us to know what He says about sex.  But knowing what He says and putting it into practice are two different things.  Jesus said it this way:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash” (Matthew 7:24-27).

Have you heard the story about the five frogs who were sitting on a log when one of them decided to jump off?  How many frogs were still left on the log?  All five!  One of them had only decided to jump off.

It’s one thing to decide to do what God says; it’s another to take the leap of faith and actually do it.  But when you do, hang on!  God will do for you more than all you could ask or imagine.

I know, because I’ve taken that leap myself.

The Difference God has Made for Me

I mentioned in the dedication of this book that my children might not be here today if it weren’t for the things I learned from God and have shared in this book.  I wasn’t kidding!

When I was living for my own desires, doing whatever felt good, I was on a path headed towards destruction and didn’t even know it.  I was just following my desires wherever they led me.

For a few years in college, my desires even led me into homosexuality, being sexually intimate with other men.  These relationships seemed to fulfill a valid need I had for close friendships with other men.  I didn’t realize that the way I was fulfilling that need wasn’t the way God wanted me to fulfill it.  I was just having fun, not realizing the danger that this presented to my life, nor the danger that this presented to God’s plan for my future.

The term AIDS was a new word at that time to describe the deadly condition that many homosexual men were contracting from their sexual activity with one another.  It never occurred to me that I could possibly get AIDS until several years later, just a few days after I had put my faith in Christ.  But that same week, someone happened to ask me if I had ever been tested for AIDS.  I hadn’t, so I went in for a test.  That’s when it hit me:  what I had been doing wasn’t just about fun and games, it was about life and death.  In the following week, as I waited for the results of the test to come back, I was afraid for my life.  I wasn’t afraid for my soul, because I had already put my faith in Christ.  I knew that God had forgiven me and that He would bring me to live with Him in heaven, even if I did die.  But I didn’t want to die.  I wanted to live the fullest possible life that God had created me to live.

You can imagine my relief when they gave me the results:  I didn’t have AIDS.  I don’t know why I was spared when others haven’t been, whether they’re Christians or not.  It certainly wasn’t because I deserved it.  But I knew that whatever the reason, I now had another shot at life.  I felt as if God had picked me up off the path of death and had put me on the path of life, and life abundant.

On this new path, God has given me a wife and six kids as a result of our sexual intimacy—life abundant!

What difference can it make to follow God’s plan for your life instead of your own?  For me, for my wife, and for our six kids who might never have been born, it’s made all the difference in the world.

God’s Blessing for You

The evangelist Billy Graham once gave a clear and concise summary of the difference God makes in our sex lives:

“Sex is the most wonderful thing on this earth, as long as God is in it.  When the Devil gets in it, it’s the most terrible thing on earth” (Just As I Am, Billy Graham, p. 244).

I couldn’t agree more.  If for any reason sex ever becomes, or has already become, one of the most terrible things on earth for you, I want to encourage you to keep turning to God and keep putting your faith in Him for everything in your life.  Ask Him to give you a new vision for how He wants you to view and experience sex.  There’s too much at stake for you to wait any longer—for you, for those around you, and for those who may not yet even be born.

Ask God to pick you up and put you on His path of life abundant, to send His Holy Spirit to keep you on that path, and to bless your life beyond all you could ask or imagine.

When you do, you’ll find that God is faithful.  When you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart.  That’s a promise straight from the Word of God:

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

And it’s my heartfelt prayer for you.

“May He give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.”
Psalm 20:4-5

Review Questions

1. How would you summarize at least three things that God says about sex in the Bible? 

2. What did Jesus say the difference would be between those who hear what God says and those who do what God says? (Matthew 7:24-27)

3. What difference did it make in the life of the author to get God’s perspective on sex?

4. What does God promise to give you if you delight yourself in Him? (Psalm 37:4)

You’re reading WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT SEX, an inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex, by Eric Elder. Also available in paperback and eBook formats in our bookstore for a donation of any size!

“God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number’” (Genesis 1:28)

If God wanted to bless you, what do you think those blessings might look like?  Don’t be surprised if they actually look a little bit like you!

For Adam and Eve, whom the Bible says were the first people that God “blessed,” God told them what form their blessing would take:  “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number’” (Genesis 1:28).  God could have blessed them and said, “Here, have four or five vacation homes!” or “Here, have nine or ten priceless cars!”  But instead He blessed them and said, “Here, have a bunch of kids!”  At first glance, some people might wonder if that was a blessing or a curse!

But a deeper look into the heart of God, as revealed from cover to cover in the Bible, shows that children are regarded as blessings from Him.  When God wanted to bless someone in the Bible, that blessing often took the form of a child.

When God “blessed” Adam and Eve, telling them to be fruitful and multiply, they did—having one child, then two, then three, and then “other sons and daughters” (see Genesis 5:4).

When God “blessed” Abraham and Sarah, He gave them a child, and told them that their descendants would one day be “as numerous as the stars of the sky and as the sand on the seashore” (see Genesis 22:17-18).

When God “blessed” Job after all of the tragedy that Job went through, God gave him all kinds of “stuff”—and ten children!  Those children had children of their own, who had children of their own, who had children of their own.  Job was eventually able to see “his children and their children to the fourth generation” (see Job 42:12-16).

I’ve noticed that most self-help books that talk about how to have a more blessed sex life rarely, if ever, mention the blessings of children that result from sex.  But from God’s point of view, the blessing of sex and the blessing of children go together, which brings us back full circle to the twin purposes for which God created sex in the first place:  for intimacy and fruitfulness.

This is not to say that if we don’t have children, or if we have only one child or a few children that we are not blessed by God.  As I’ve read through the Bible, God doesn’t give an optimal number of children for anyone.  Sarah had one, Rebekah had two, Eve had many—Jesus didn’t have any.  What I do find in the Bible is that each of these people viewed children as blessings from God regardless of how many, if any, they had.

But getting God’s mindset about children doesn’t always come naturally.

Getting God’s Mindset

When I was about twelve, an exchange student from another country lived with our family.  When she told us about her family and how she and her ten brothers and sisters all lived in a small house in what we would consider poverty, we felt sorry for her.  There were three of us kids in our family and we felt rich by comparison.  What a shock it was to later hear that her father felt sorry for us!  How poor that family must be, he thought, to have so few children.

I had to rethink my definition of what it means to be rich and what it means to be poor!  Several years later, when I was about to marry Lana, I had to rethink my definition even more!

As Lana and I talked about our future together, she told me that she wanted to have twelve kids!  She came from a family of nine and said that she always wished there were more kids around to play with.  In my family of three kids, I was thrilled whenever I had the peace and quiet of the house all to myself.  Somebody’s mindset was going to have to change!

With our wedding just a few months away, I began to pray that God would give us the exact number of children He wanted us to have.  Six kids later, I’m still praying!

As I began to read the Bible on the subject of children, I began to see that person after person viewed children as blessings.

When King Solomon wrote about children, he said, “Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” (Psalm 127:5a).  When Mary found out she was pregnant with Jesus, she said, “From now on all generations will call me blessed…” (Luke 1:48b).  When some little children came up to Jesus, the disciples tried to “shoo” them away.  Jesus responded with these classic words, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14).  Whether we have one child, ten children or no children, God wants our hearts towards children to be the same as His:  viewing them as blessings from Him and blessings to Him.

While my mindset towards children began to change when I got married, to be honest, my heart didn’t catch up until Lana was pregnant with our third child.  Not that I wasn’t thrilled for the first two!  But with the uncertainty of what to expect during the first pregnancy and with the health complications that Lana experienced early on with the second, it wasn’t until the third pregnancy that I was finally able to relax and genuinely feel that God was blessing me.  In fact, I felt it so strongly when I found out Lana was pregnant for the third time, we decided to name our third child with two names that mean “blessing”—a double blessing!  I felt that I could finally see the true blessing of children from God’s point of view.

Sex, with God’s Blessing

As our view of sex lines up more and more with God’s view of sex, the blessings that come from sex become much more evident.  Bill Allison, the founder of Cadre Ministries, tells the story about a time when he was praying the prayer of Jabez and asking God to expand his borders.  When his wife became pregnant with their sixth child, she said, “He prayed, and I’m the one who got expanded!”

Having God’s mindset about children can change the actual experience of sex, too.  To make love with your spouse without fear of pregnancy, but actually thinking about it and looking forward to it as a blessing from God, is enough to knock your socks off.  Sex can be more fun and more exciting when there’s no holding back, knowing that what you’re doing is with the full knowledge of, consent of, and blessing of God.

For me, when Lana’s been pregnant, our times of intimacy have been just as enjoyable, if not more so.  Perhaps it has something to do with knowing that the child conceived within her has been conceived as a result of our lovemaking, not to mention the fact that her hormones double daily during pregnancy.

On the other hand, someone might rightfully ask:  “But isn’t it a lot of work to take care of kids?”  Absolutely!

As blessings of any kind increase, so do the responsibilities.  Jesus says:

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked” (Luke 12:48b).

Anyone who actually owns two or three vacation homes or two or three cars—let alone nine or ten—would attest to this fact.  Between all of the maintenance, repairs, taxes, insurance, and the ongoing investment of time, all these things can threaten to steal the joy from even the most enthusiastic homeowner or car lover.  The key to keeping your joy is keeping God’s perspective at the forefront of your mind—not a trivial task some days!—but a task that can turn something that might feel like a burden back into the blessing that God intended it to be.

God wants us to get His perspective on life, which doesn’t always come naturally.  As God says:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

But when we ask Him to, God will help us to close the gap between His thoughts and ways and ours.  And when He does, it can make all the difference in the world, as I’ll share in the next and final chapter.

Review Questions

1. When God blessed Adam and Eve, with what did He bless them? (Genesis 1:28, Genesis 5:4)

2. What are some other examples from the Bible where children were viewed as blessings? (Genesis 22:17-18, Job 42:12-16, Psalm 127:5, Luke 1:48)

3. What also increases as the blessings of God increase? (Luke 12:48)

4. How different are our thoughts and ways compared to God’s? (Isaiah 55:8-9)

You’re reading WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT SEX, an inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex, by Eric Elder. Also available in paperback and eBook formats in our bookstore for a donation of any size!

“Now Adam knew Eve and she conceived and bore Cain” (Genesis 4:1, NKJV).

You may have heard about the group of scientists who got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.

They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.  The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You.  We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost.”

God listened patiently to the man and when the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well!  How about this?  Let’s have a man-making contest.”

To which the man replied, “Okay, great!”

But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem,” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no.  You go and get your own dirt!”

We may think that our new reproductive technologies are remarkable, like in vitro fertilization, where a man’s sperm and a woman’s eggs are extracted from their bodies and then coaxed together in a test tube.  Or cloning, where scientists take a few cells from one body and try to fuse them together with an egg from another body, and then try to spark life into them by using an electric shock in a sterile lab.  These technologies are remarkable, but compared to the way God designed sex to create a new life in the first place, there’s no doubt in my mind which process is more remarkable—and more fun!

Given the choice, I think most people would rather create a new life the old-fashioned way:  by making love, not just making babies.  The reason for this goes deeper than just the fact that lovemaking can be tremendously fun.

Yada!

The reason is that God wants us to know our husband or wife, deeply and intimately, and making love with them is one of the deepest ways we can know them.  In fact, one of the Hebrew words that is often used in the Bible to describe making love is yada, which literally means “to know.”

For instance, the Bible says:

“Now Adam knew Eve and she conceived and bore Cain” (Genesis 4:1; see also Genesis 4:17, 1 Samuel 1:19, NKJV).

To know someone, in the biblical sense, means to have sexual intercourse with them.  An easy way to remember what the word intimacy means is to think of the phrase “into-me-see.”  When we’re intimate with our husband or wife, we’re allowing them to see into us and they’re allowing us to see into them.

Why does God want you to know your spouse so intimately?  Because God wants you to use your hands, your eyes, your words, your ears, your heart—your whole being—to express His love to them, as well as your own.

As much as God wants to fulfill the desires of your heart, He also wants to fulfill the desires of your spouse’s heart—through you!  In order to do that effectively, it’s  vitally important that you know your spouse, deeply and intimately, so that you can touch them in the way God wants them to be touched.

Why Don’t You Marry Her?

The first time this struck me, that God wanted to work through me to fulfill the desires of Lana’s heart, started before I even thought about marrying her.

Lana was still living in Michigan and I was living in Texas.  Even though we had dated in college, we had broken up two years earlier, but we still talked on the phone from time to time.  One night, Lana told me that she was wondering if God wanted her to stay at her current job or not.  I told her that I was planning a special time of prayer and fasting that week, so I’d pray about her job decision, too.

By day two of my fast, I was feeling spiritually stronger, but a little lightheaded.  I was sitting by a pool in the warm Texas sun, having taken the day off work to pray.  When I began praying for Lana, I didn’t picture her wearing a suit and tie, working for a large corporation for the rest of her life—I pictured her at home, married and raising a family.

That’s it, Lord!  She doesn’t need a different job.  What she needs is a husband who will take care of her so that she can stay home.  I began to pray that God would bring her a husband.

Then these words floated through my mind as clear as the water in front of me:  “Why don’t you marry her?”  

What?!?  That’s not what I was praying about at all!   Maybe the fast was affecting me more than I thought!

But two weeks later, even after my fast was over, the question was still at the forefront of my mind:  “Why don’t you marry her?”

I began to ask myself the same thing:  “Why don’t I marry her?”  It wasn’t that I didn’t like her.  In fact, when we dated in college, I was totally in love with her.  But the reason we broke up two years earlier was because God had already been working on my heart and I felt He was the one prompting me to break up with her.  At the time, I didn’t even know why God would want us to break up.  But in the months following our breakup, both of us decided to put our faith in Christ.  We then began to learn what God says about sex and realized that what we had been doing was wrong.

Now, two years later, and having both given our lives to Christ, maybe God really did want us to get back together!  I had to find out, one way or the other, so I decided to set aside the next three months to pray and see if this question was really from God or not.  Lana and I still talked from time to time, but I didn’t tell her about my prayers, both for her sake and for my own.  I just wanted to hear clearly from God without the pressure of a relationship.

Over those next few months, God put a love in my heart for Lana that surpassed anything I had ever felt before.  I was able to listen to her from a distance and see how she felt on issues that were important to me, her relationship with Christ, and her dreams and desires.  I tried to look at her the way God looks at her to see if I could really meet her needs the way God wanted them to be met.

By the end of the three months of praying, I was about ready to burst!  I was so in love with her that I told God I’d be really mad at Him if He didn’t let me marry her!

Knowing Your Spouse Before Marriage

God cares deeply about who we marry.  I don’t know whether or not God has prearranged, from the beginning of time, who He wants us to marry.  But I do know that He has a definite stake in the decision.

There are certain things that God wants us to know about our spouse even before we marry them.  In several places in the Bible, God gives us clear guidelines, as well as specific guidance, about the person He wants us to marry.

I remember when our first two kids were younger, they wondered if they could marry each other when they grew up.  I’m glad they liked each other so much at the time to even think of it, but we said, “No, God will give you someone else to marry.”

How did we know this and they didn’t?  Because we knew it was against the law and they didn’t, and also because we had read it in the Bible and they hadn’t.  Some of the things we take for granted are obvious to us only because we, or someone before us, has discovered them in God’s Word.  Here are a few of the general guidelines that God gives in the Bible for who He wants us to marry—and not marry.

God wants believers in Christ to marry other believers:  “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?” (2 Corinthians 6:14a).

God doesn’t want us to marry someone who would turn our hearts away from Him:  “You must not intermarry with them [those who serve other gods], because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods” (1 Kings 11:2b).

God tells us who is off-limits for sexual relations, and therefore off limits for marriage:

• We’re not to have sexual relations with any close relative: “No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD” (Leviticus 18:6).  In the same chapter, God then goes on to define close relatives as our parents, children, brothers and sisters, grandparents, grandchildren, aunts and uncles, and nieces and nephews;
• We’re not to have sexual relations with anyone who is already married, which would be adultery; “Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor’s wife and defile yourself with her” (Leviticus 18:20);
• Nor with animals, which is called bestiality: “Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it” (Leviticus 18:23a);
• Nor with people who are the same sex as us, which is called homosexuality among men and lesbianism among women: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable” (Leviticus 18:22) and “Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion” (Romans 1:26-27).

Those in the Bible who ask for God’s input about who to marry are invariably blessed, such as Isaac and Rebekah (see Genesis 24) and Jacob and Rachel (see Genesis 29).  Those who don’t follow God’s advice invariably pay the price, such as Amnon and Tamar (see 2 Samuel 13:1-21) and Solomon and his foreign wives (see 1 Kings 11:1-4).

This is not to say that God can’t redeem and restore any marriage—because He can and He has!  I’ve seen Him do it several times!  But those who have gone into marriage without listening first to what God says will be the first ones to tell you that they wished they had followed God’s advice.

God cares who you marry because He cares about you, He cares about your spouse, and He cares about the children who may result from your marriage.

A Gift From God

During those three months that I prayed about marrying Lana, I was able to find out several things about her.  I could see that she was a believer and that she would encourage me in my walk with the Lord, not turn me away from Him.  I already knew she wasn’t a close relative, she wasn’t married, she wasn’t an animal, and she wasn’t a man.  So far so good!

When my three months of prayer came to an end, I decided to call Lana and tell her everything that was on my heart.  When we started talking, she told me she had finally decided to quit her job.  She knew it was the right thing to do, but she didn’t know what she was going to do next.  I told her I had an idea!

When I asked her to consider moving to Houston so we could pray together about possibly getting married, she was the one that went into shock!  What?!? she thought.  That’s not what I was praying about at all!  

Now she needed some time to pray about it.  During those next few months, there was nothing I could do but wait.  At one point during this time, when I honestly didn’t know what Lana might decide, I read this passage in the Bible:

“May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.  May the LORD grant all your requests” (Psalm 20:4-5).

Once again, the words of the Bible seemed to leap off the page.  I knew in that moment that Lana was the desire of my heart.  Although I knew it might sound like a childish prayer, I said, “Lord, You’ve already given me more than I deserve by forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life with You.  But if I could ask you for only one gift the rest of my life, it would be to marry Lana.”   I had no idea if God would grant me my request, and I was willing to trust Him whatever the outcome, but I also knew that I would “shout for joy,” as it said in Psalm 20, if He did let me marry her!

Less than a year later, as we were standing at the altar exchanging our wedding vows, I looked at Lana with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat and said, “Lana, ever since I read Psalm 20 that said, ‘May He give you the desire of your heart’ I’ve known that you are the desire of my heart. … You are a gift from God to me, and I plan to treat you as a gift.”

Making Love

A husband or wife really is a gift from God—and God wants us to treat them as gifts.  That includes the way we treat them sexually.  One of the problems with sex is that people often use it to get what they want, rather than to give what God wants.  Making love is more than just another term for sex, it also describes the way we should do it.

There are times when I’ll look at Lana and ask myself, If God were here right now, what would He do to bless her?  How would He want me to use my hands, my words, my eyes, my ears, and my heart to bless her in a special way?  Sometimes I’ll sense that God wants me to caress her forehead, stroke her hair, or give her gentle kisses on her lips and cheeks.  While it’s nearly impossible for me not to take pleasure in this, too, my honest motivation at times like these is not to satisfy my own desires, but to let God work through me to satisfy hers.  I usually find that by blessing her, God uses her to bless me back!

By knowing our spouse, deeply and intimately, we can better minister to their needs.  The Bible says that husbands and wives ought to care for each other’s bodies as if they were their own:

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body” (Ephesians 5:28-30).

Ironically, some people will joke with their spouse when they don’t want to have sex by saying, “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.”  But in reality, sex might be just what the doctor ordered.  I’ve been amazed that throughout our married life, whenever my wife really does have a headache, godly caressing and lovemaking has brought about the complete and total cure!  God has been able to work through me to bring about the healing she needs.

I’d like to give you a short list of suggestions for how to truly make love with your spouse, all of which revolve around knowing your spouse.

1. Treat one another with love and respect.  God wants to use our hands, our bodies and our words to express His love to our spouses, not in any way that is hurtful or disrespectful.  Does this delight my spouse?  Does it make them feel truly loved and respected?  Does it make them feel appreciated and genuinely cared for?  “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
2. Build each other up, not tear each other down.  Some types of touching may be exciting to us, but may cause physical or emotional harm to our spouse or to ourselves.  God has wired our bodies to sense pain so that we can tell when something needs extra care.  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
3. Make love regularly.  The Bible doesn’t give us a “norm” for how often a married couple should engage in sex, but it does say that we should not deprive each other of these times of intimacy, except when both spouses agree and only for a limited time.  Ask God what He wants you to do for your spouse, inviting His Holy Spirit into your lives to help you find what may even be creative ways to bless them.  “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
4. Take time to learn the differences between your own body and your spouse’s.  While most men can be aroused and have an orgasm within just a few minutes, it takes most women twenty minutes or more to have an orgasm.  While a man may be ready to engage in full sexual intercourse within the first few minutes, he would find his wife is much more receptive after taking twenty minutes or more to just talk and touch and caress her until she is ready, too. I shared this simple fact with a friend before his wedding and when he came back from his honeymoon, he said that knowing this fact had made all the difference in the way he approached sex with his new wife and their mutual experience of it.  If there’s one book about sex that I would recommend to you so that you can learn more about your spouse and godly lovemaking, it would be Dr. Ed and Gaye Wheats’ book, Intended For Pleasure.
5. Recognize the unique way God created humans to make love.  Did you know that human beings are the only creatures that can engage in sexual intercourse face-to-face?  This is one of many facts I learned from the Wheats’ book that has helped me to appreciate even more the way God created our bodies to relate sexually.  While many books about sex go into great detail about various sexual positions a couple might try, don’t think it’s a small thing to make love in one of the most obvious positions of all—face-to-face with your husband or wife, a position that God has reserved for humans alone.
6. Pray for each other daily. One simple thing that Lana and I have done since the beginning of our marriage is to go to bed together at the same time whenever we can, and to pray for each other, out loud, every night before going to sleep.  This has helped us to know each other even better, as we share about the important things in our lives needing prayer.  It allows us to cover each other in prayer, as well as to regularly “clear the air” if there has been any tension between us during the day, as the Bible encourages all of us to do:  “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…” (Ephesians 4:26b).  This time of spiritual intimacy is often a precursor to a time of physical intimacy.

Our lovemaking can and should be life-giving, not destructive in any way.  As Jesus said:

“The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

By knowing your spouse, deeply and intimately, this can be yet another way that you can experience just such a full and abundant life.  And as you’ll see in the next chapter, it can bring about an abundance of life in other ways, too!

Review Questions

1. What is the meaning behind the Hebrew word “yada” which the Bible uses to describe sexual relations? (as used in Genesis 4:1, NKJV)

2. Who are some of the people listed in the Bible with whom God does not want us to engage in sexual relations or marriage? (2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Kings 11:2, Leviticus 18)

3. How does God want husbands and wives to treat each other’s bodies? (Ephesians 5:28-30)

4. What are some additional ways that God wants us to treat each other that can also be applied to sexual intimacy? (Ephesians 5:33, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You’re reading WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT SEX, an inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex, by Eric Elder. Also available in paperback and eBook formats in our bookstore for a donation of any size!

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8-9).

Your purity matters so much to God that He’s made a way for you to become pure again—even if you mess up.  And at some point in our lives, we all mess up!

God isn’t surprised when we sin.  None of us have a perfect moral scorecard, from Adam and Eve all the way down to you and me.  When we do sin, most of us feel what Adam and Eve felt:

“At that moment, their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they strung fig leaves together around their hips to cover themselves.

Toward evening they heard the LORD God walking about in the garden, so they hid themselves among the trees. The LORD God called to Adam, ‘Where are you?’

He replied, ‘I heard you, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked’” (Genesis 3:7-10, NLT).

When we sin, we feel naked and ashamed, trying to cover our nakedness and then running away from God.  But that’s the time we most need to run back to God.   He wants to restore us to purity again.  God loved Adam and Eve too much to leave them alone.  He went looking for them, just as He goes looking for us because of His great love for us.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

If you find yourself feeling naked and ashamed of your sin, you don’t have to run away.  Just turn around.  You’ll find that God has been running after you and is eager to take you back and make you pure again.

The same Bible that shows us how to have the best possible sex life is the same Bible that shows us how to be forgiven when we fall short of God’s best.

Falling into Sin

I didn’t realize how far I had strayed from what God says about sex until the year after I got out of college and began to read the Bible for myself.  The more I read, the more I realized that the things I had done sexually were wrong in God’s eyes—and could even destroy my life if I continued to do them.  I began to see that the bad choices that I had made, and the sins that I had committed, might actually cause my own death.  I was especially struck by a verse in the Bible that clarified for me that if I did die, I would simply be reaping the consequences of my own sinfulness, the wages—or what I had earned for my sin:

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23).

When I saw that these words applied specifically to my life, I decided to take a long walk with God along a bayou that ran through downtown Houston.

As I walked, I wondered if some of the things I had done sexually might have already done irreparable damage to my body through sexual diseases I might have contracted.  I had never given it much thought before, but after reading what the Bible said about the natural consequences of sin, I knew that it was quite possible that I would eventually reap what I had sown.

At the same time, I was starting to see that God really did have a plan for the world, and more specifically, for my life, too.  I realized that my sins would not only bring me down, but would also bring down the plans God had for my life.  I could see that God had a better path in mind for me than the one I was on, and I wanted more than anything to find out how to get onto it.

But how? How could I undo what I had already done?  How could I change my wrongful thoughts, feelings and desires?  How could I change the habits that I had fallen into that were still threatening to destroy me?

As if in answer to my questions, I ran across another story in the Bible—the story of two blind men who came to Jesus to be healed.  I was carrying my Bible with me as I walked along the bayou, reading from the book of Matthew.  I was intrigued by Jesus’ words in response to the pleas of the blind men.  They called out to Jesus, “Have mercy on us, Son of David!” (Matthew 9:27b).  In other places in the Bible, Jesus healed people by bending down to make a paste of mud to put on their eyes, or by telling them to dip in a certain pool of water.  But not with these two.  Jesus asked them a question:

“Do you believe that I am able to do this?” (Matthew 9:28b).

Based on their answer, Jesus would or would not heal them.

I wanted Jesus to heal me of my wrongful sexual desires and actions, just like the blind men asked Him to heal their eyes.  I felt like He was asking me the same question:  “Eric, do you believe that I am able to do this, too?”  I thought about everything I had ever learned about Jesus:  how He healed the sick, walked on water and raised the dead.  I knew that if anyone could do it, Jesus could.

I stopped along the path and put my hand up into the air.  Just like the blind men, I answered, “Yes, Lord.”  And just like the blind men, Jesus healed me:

“Then he touched their eyes and said, ‘According to your faith will it be done to you,’ and their sight was restored” (Matthew 9:29-30a).

I knew in that moment that I had been healed.  It was as distinct as if I had been blind and now could see.  The next day I put my faith in Christ for everything in my life, asking Him to forgive me of my sins, and receiving from Him the gift of eternal life.  Doing this turned out to be the turning point for the rest of my life.

David’s Turning Point

If you’ve ever sinned, you’re in good company—or at least a lot of company.  We all share this common trait.

The Bible says, “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23), and “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way…” (Isaiah 53:6a).

Sin—of any kind—does more to short-circuit the abundant life God has for us than perhaps anything else.  Sexual sin seems to be especially devastating.  Why?  The Bible says,

“Flee sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his own body, but he who sins sexually, sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

But God has given us a way to overcome a short-circuit to bring us back to full power again:  through confession.

To confess means “to agree with,” to recognize that what we’ve done is wrong with a desire to make it right again.  Confession is what David expressed to God when his sin with Bathsheba finally caught up to him.

You might remember that David was one of the greatest kings of all time, but that he fell into sexual sin with Bathsheba, a woman who was married to another man.  When David looked out from his palace and saw her bathing naked on her roof, he wanted her.  He asked her to come to him and fell to one of the lowest points of his life.  He might have remained at that point until the day he died except that God, through one of David’s counselors, confronted David about his sin.  When David realized what he had done, he poured out his heart in confession to God.

David’s words are recorded in Psalm 51:

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.  Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.  For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. … Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. … Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:1-3, 7, 10).

David and Bathsheba, and those around them, paid a price for their sin.  Bathsheba’s husband died when David had him killed in the cover-up attempt.  Then the son born to David and Bathsheba died soon after his birth.  To top it all off, their sin was recorded in the Bible for all time for all of us to see.

But all was not lost.  Because David confessed his sin and turned back to God, God did for David what he asked:  God cleansed him, washed him, and made him whiter than snow.  God gave him a pure heart again and renewed his spirit.  David married Bathsheba and they conceived another son.  That son, Solomon, went on to become one of the richest and wisest kings in all of history.  The turning point in David’s life hinged on David’s confession to God and his cry to make things right again.

It’s the same turning point that can determine the outcome of our future, too.

The Power of Confession

I met with a couple one night to pray that they would be able to have a child.  They had wanted one for years but were unable to conceive.  The doctor had finally declared the wife infertile, meaning she would never be able to have children.

Before I prayed with them, I asked them to tell me a little more about what they were going through and what they wanted God to do for them.  It turned out that there was more to their story than infertility.  Soon after they were married, they discovered they had a sexually transmitted disease, or STD.  STD’s are usually only passed from person to person by sexual contact.  This particular STD was terribly painful—each time they made love, it would flare up again and cause one or the other of them pain in their sexual organs.

They didn’t know how they had gotten the STD, or who had brought it into the relationship, because each of them had been sexually active with others before they were married.  But the result was that it lead them both to an underlying hurt and resentment that hadn’t gone away.

Before praying for their fertility, I led them in a time of prayer and confession to each other of their past actions and their present hurts that were brought on by their sin.  The healing that God performed in their hearts was immediately visible on their faces, as they beamed with forgiveness and a new appreciation of each other.  By the time we got to praying for their fertility, there was little left to do but to simply ask God to heal their bodies as well.

Over the next few months, the husband called me several times to tell me what a huge difference those prayers had made in their marriage, including their sex life.  Just over a year later, this “infertile” couple gave birth to a child—the fruit of their renewed intimacy.  Although they still carried within their bodies the disease from their former sin, God found a way to bypass that condition and continue on with His plan for their lives—and for the life of their child.

Our prayers of confession are powerful.  They have a real and practical effect.  But they’re not a “magic formula” that help us get whatever we want.  In fact, the couple I mentioned above wanted more children after the birth of their first, but they’ve not been able to conceive again.  There are many factors that can contribute to how our prayers may or may not be answered, which is why continual prayers for wisdom and continual trust in God is important regardless of the outcome.  But confession can be one of the things that can bring us the healing we need to move on with God’s plans for our lives.  The Bible says,

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

I’ve seen this same pattern repeat over and over as I’ve talked with other people who have been at an impasse in their sexual lives.  They often see a breakthrough when they finally confess their sins, first to God, and then to their spouse.

A man who had struggled with pornography and illicit chat rooms for years confessed his sin to me.  We prayed through it together, seeking God’s forgiveness for what he had done.  I then encouraged him to confess it to his wife, as his sin had affected their sexual relationship, too.  Although the husband was fearful to confess it to her, he did.  When she forgave him, he was finally free, not only from the pornography that had gripped him, but free to to love his wife intimately again.

Another man confessed to me that he had struggled with true intimacy with his wife for years.  He told me some of the personal struggles in his life that he had never shared with his wife for fear that she would leave him.  I encouraged him that in order to break through to the true intimacy he wanted with his wife, he needed to confess those things to her.  With much fear and trepidation, he did.  His wife was shocked, went for a walk, and prayed.  When she came back, she told him:  “I still love you.”  He later told me, “Eric, she’s told me thousands of times that she loved me, but this was the first time that I’ve ever really believed her.”

God is in the life-changing business.  He’s been turning people’s lives around from sexual sin for thousands of years.  Read what the Apostle Paul wrote in a letter to the Christians in the church of Corinth about 2,000 years ago:

“Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God?  Do not be deceived:  Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.  And that is what some of you were.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

There’s a little word in there that says a lot:  it’s the little verb were.  “And that is what some of you were.”  They struggled with all kinds of sins, but they didn’t stay that way.  They were changed, transformed, and made new again, just like I was.  Although there are consequences for our sin, some of which can last a lifetime, none are so serious that they can’t be washed, sanctified and justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

God-Given Purity

Confession is more than just good for the soul.  It’s good for finally living the life for which God created you to live.

If you’re wrestling with unconfessed sin in your life, I want to encourage you to prayerfully consider when, where and to whom to confess it.  While it may seem terrifying to admit your sins to God and to the ones you love, the truth is that God already knows about them—and the ones you love are probably already feeling the effects of them.  Finally confessing them will help to identify the source so that things can begin to change.

None of us are without sin, but none of us are beyond God’s forgiveness either.  Whenever we confess our sins to Him, He promises to forgive us and make us pure again.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8-9).

If you ever find yourself in need of a prayer of confession and don’t know what to say, here are a few words to help you get started.  One heartfelt prayer can be the turning point of your life, too.

Father, I’m sorry for the sins I’ve committed against You and against others.  I know I can’t make up for these sins, but I know that Jesus has already paid the price for them when He died on the cross.  I am putting my full faith and trust in Jesus right now and I ask Him to be the Lord of my life.  Fill me with Your Holy Spirit so that I can be washed, cleansed, purified, and made righteous again in Your sight.  I pray this all in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Review Questions

1. What did God do to demonstrate His love for us, even while we were still sinning? (Romans 5:8)

2. What question did Jesus ask the blind men when they wanted to be healed? (Matthew 9:28)

3. What is one thing James says we can do so that we may be healed? (James 5:16)

4. What does God promise to do if we confess our sins to Him? (1 John 1:8-9)