What a Friend Told Me the Year My Marriage Ended
Eric Elder

Twenty-eight lessons I learned in the year after my divorce.

When my marriage ended, I had been in ministry for thirty years and had written books about marriage. Five hundred people had been invited to a celebration that never took place.

What I believed, for months, was that I was finished. That nobody would listen to me again. That I had forfeited the right to say anything to anyone.

For about a year I talked most weeks with a friend named Sharon.

She has a doctorate in education, another in theology, and a masters in counseling. She’s  still going strong in ministry in her eighties.

I took notes every session.

This book is those notes. Twenty-eight short chapters, each one a lesson that helped to get me back on my feet.

I’m not going to tell you that you’ll be fine by Christmas. But I will tell you there is another side to this. I didn’t believe it when people said it to me, and I told them so. I can tell you now from over here that they were right.

You will get up. And it won’t be more than you can handle in a day. As Sharon told me, don’t try to eat it whole. Just take it “one slice at a time.”

Eric Elder is an author, composer, and creator of The Ranch, a spiritual retreat center on the internet at theranch.org.

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One Slice at a Time

What a Friend Told Me the Year My Marriage Ended
by Eric Elder

Table of Contents

• Introduction: I Thought That Was the End of Me
• Chapter 1: Divorce Is Like a Death
• Chapter 2: It’s Never Just One Thing
• Chapter 3: One Slice at a Time
• Chapter 4: Learning to Go to Neutral
• Chapter 5: It Doesn’t Get a Vote
• Chapter 6: You Are Not a Failure
• Chapter 7: Humbling Is Not Humiliation
• Chapter 8: A Higher Standard Than God’s?
• Chapter 9: Don’t Let Your Demeanor Do the Talking
• Chapter 10: “How Could That Happen to Eric?”
• Chapter 11: The Life Preserver With No Hole In It
• Chapter 12: Know What You’re Going to Say Before You Say It
• Chapter 13: You Can Trust Your Honesty
• Chapter 14: The Elevator Answer
• Chapter 15: Not Everyone Gets the Whole Story
• Chapter 16: Be Issue-Minded and You’ll Ruin the Relationship
• Chapter 17: Hands Off the Wheel
• Chapter 18: Fearfully Authentic
• Chapter 19: Compassion, Not Pity
• Chapter 20: Get Back on the Horse
• Chapter 21: It Would Be Unhealthy Not To
• Chapter 22: Don’t Catch the First Wave
• Chapter 23: At the Same Time
• Chapter 24: “You Don’t Get Burned Out on Ministry”
• Chapter 25: Write the Vision — and Put Yourself In It
• Chapter 26: Scratch Through the Black
• Chapter 27: Mark It
• Chapter 28: They Need Something You Have
• Conclusion: Unremarkable, Unchanged
• About the Author

Introduction: I Thought That Was the End of Me

When my marriage ended, the loss I could name was the marriage.

The fear underneath it was something else.

I thought I had lost my standing.

I’ve been in ministry for thirty years. I’ve written books about marriage. I have thousands of people who read what I write, and I had told a great many of them that God had brought me a wife. Five hundred people had been invited to a celebration.

And when it came apart, what I believed — not as a passing thought but as a settled fact, for months — was that I was finished. That nobody would listen to me again. That I had forfeited the right to say anything to anyone about anything. That I might not even be able to hear from God anymore, because why would He keep talking to a man who had gotten something that large that wrong.

I sat in a parking lot one night after walking out of a meeting and thought: I can never come back here. I can never do ministry again.

If any part of that is familiar to you, then this book was written for you and you can stop wondering whether it’s for someone in worse shape.

What This Book Is Not

I’m not going to take you back through my marriage.

She isn’t named in these pages, and I’ve kept the particulars out. That isn’t the same as anonymity, and I won’t pretend otherwise. Our marriage was public knowledge. What I can leave out is the account itself. Who did what, in what order, and why.

There’s a fair amount in this book about my own failures. I’ve left that in, because it’s mine to give.

The rest of it isn’t mine to give, and I don’t think it would help you anyway. Two people can’t be understood by a stranger reading one of their versions. And I’ve watched what happens to a man who spends his recovery trying to get the record straight — there’s a chapter about that later.

This is also not a book about a seven-month marriage. It’s a book about the year after — which turned out to be a much longer year than I expected, and is not entirely over as I write this two years later.

Who Sharon Is

About twenty conversations run underneath this book.

Sharon is a friend and a counselor. She knew my first wife, Lana, before Lana died. She’s in her eighties. She and her late husband, Chuck, spent decades in ministry, in real estate, teaching, counseling, praying with people, burying people. She has been through more than I have and says so rarely.

Early on she told me she would tell me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear, and then she did that every single time, including the weeks I may have preferred anything else.

We talked roughly every other week for about a year. I took notes the entire time, because that’s what I do and because I could tell within the first few minutes that I was going to want them later.

Those notes are this book.

Most of what’s good in here is hers. What’s mine is the reporting — what Sharon said, what I did with it, and where I got it wrong at first.

What I’m Actually Offering You

Not a program, and not a timeline.

Twenty-eight things that got me back on my feet, in roughly the order I learned them. Each one begins with something that happened to me, moves to something she said, and ends by handing it to you to use or leave.

Some of them will land and some won’t, and I’ve tried to write them so you can take one and set the rest down. That’s the method as much as the content. A person in the first year of this cannot absorb everything at once, and one of the earliest things she taught me was to stop trying. There’s a better way.

I’d add one thing about how to read it.

I have cried through the writing of most of these chapters, two years out. If you find yourself further into this than you expected to be, still not fine, still ambushed on ordinary Tuesdays — you are not behind. There’s no schedule. I checked.

When I sat in the parking lot that night, I thought that was the end of me. 

It wasn’t. 

And it doesn’t have to be the end of you, either.Chapter 1: Divorce Is Like a Death

“Record my misery; list my tears on Your scroll — are they not in Your record?” (Psalm 56:8).

There’s a bench in Lexington, Illinois, with Lana’s name on it. I put it there after she died. When I’m driving that way I stop, and I sit on it, and no one minds.

That’s what a death gets you. A bench. A service with people standing in the back. Casseroles in the freezer for a month. Cards that keep arriving after you’ve stopped expecting them. Fourteen years later, her name still comes up in conversation and people say it out loud without lowering their voices.

Eleven years after Lana died, I got married again, and less than a year later it was over, and I got none of that.

No service. No casseroles. No cards. A few people who didn’t know it had happened and asked how married life was treating me. A few more who knew and were quiet, the way people are when they’re not sure whether to say sorry or congratulations.

And five hundred people who had been invited to a celebration that never took place.

I felt maybe the loss didn’t count.

I had a whole case built. It was short. We never lived together — not more than a week or two at a time as we were traveling between states until we got things together. There were no children between us. Nothing to divide, nobody’s schooling to rearrange, no house to sell.

I’d sit there and think: people go through “real” divorces. Twenty years, four kids, a mortgage. What do I have to grieve?

And underneath that, quieter: with Lana, death came by cancer. With this one, I wondered if I did to myself.

I still don’t know everything that went wrong. But somewhere in there, I was part of it.

So I went eight or nine months treating a wound as an embarrassment, wondering at times why I felt so tired.

What She Said

I told Sharon some of this, sideways, the way you tell somebody a thing you’ve decided isn’t important.

She didn’t argue with the facts. She just put it in a different category.

“A divorce is like a death,” she said. “You’ve already been through such a great loss in your life. You still have the same trigger spots, and they’re going to feel different than the ones you had with Lana.”

Then: “But there is a grief to the death of something.”

And then, the other part that I wrote down: “Don’t put yourself down when you just need to break down. Go ahead.”

The phrase she used was trigger spots. Same trigger spots as a death, she said, but they’d feel different than the ones I’d had with Lana.

She was right, and the difference is specific. Lana’s trigger spots were mostly objects and dates — her handwriting on something, the anniversary, a song. They ambush you and then they pass.

The ones from a divorce are questions. Somebody says how’s married life and the trigger isn’t grief, it’s arithmetic — how much do I tell this person, how long will this take, are they going to want the whole thing right here in the parking lot?

Same Category

Sharon and Chuck used to own a real estate franchise, and the company flew them out to California for the franchise training. Chuck wanted Sharon to be in the room for all of it.

One of the first things the trainers covered was hiring. If somebody comes to interview who has just been through a death or a divorce, they said, understand that within that first year they’re not going to be ready to carry a full load. Bring them on part-time. Watch how they handle pressure before you hand them everything.

The trainers put those two in the same category. A death and a divorce.

The first six months, they said, the person is going through the process. The second six months, they start making their decisions — they may pick up and move, they may change everything, you don’t know yet.

They weren’t saying don’t hire them. They were saying don’t expect peak performance inside the first year.

A national real estate company, teaching franchise owners how to staff an office, had a spot-on theology of grief.

I told Sharon I was definitely not at peak performance.

What That Number Did

That fact itself was truly encouraging — and it’s just a fact. A year. Not a suggestion, not a goal, not a spiritual benchmark. A period of reduced capacity that hiring managers plan around.

What it did was change the question.

I had been asking what is wrong with me — why couldn’t I concentrate, why would I lose an afternoon, why a task I’d done a thousand times now took two days. That question has no floor. You can fall down it forever.

This is the timeline changes the question, and it has an answer.

I’m not at peak performance. I’m four months in. Those two sentences sit together without contradiction.

A Floor, Not a Ceiling

Years ago I lost a job after eighteen months. It took me seven years to get over it.

Eighteen months of employment. Seven years of recovery.

I remember running that arithmetic on that one at the time and finding the answer unsurvivable. If a year and a half of work cost me seven years, what does a thirty-year marriage cost? Most people wouldn’t live long enough to finish paying.

Grief isn’t priced by duration. That’s the mercy in it and it’s also the warning, because it cuts the other way too — short doesn’t mean small.

So take the year as a floor and not a ceiling.

I’m still working through it.

The year isn’t a due date. It’s the earliest anyone should be expecting much of you, not the day the books balance.

What a Death Gets That This Doesn’t

Grief isn’t the hard part. Grief is just heavy.

The hard part is grief with no permission structure around it.

When Lana died there was a script and everybody knew their lines. People knew to come. They knew to bring food, and to say her name, and that I’d be strange for a while, and that nothing I did at a funeral would be held against me.

The script feels different for this. There’s no gathering. There’s no casserole. There’s no socially recognized moment where someone is allowed to be visibly wrecked in front of people who love them.

Sometimes what you get instead is opinions. And a certain kind of question — how are you doing? — that you can’t help wondering about. Is this care, or is this fishing?

I can’t say I got this from many people. But the question sat there anyway, and I found I was trying to answer it before I answered.

I went looking for the script. I asked Sharon at the beginning whether I ought to be going to a divorce recovery group, or if there was a book, or if someone had written down the basic guidelines — don’t contact her family for two years, or whatever the rule was supposed to be.

Then I admitted the real problem, which was that I didn’t even know what questions to ask.

That’s what an absent ritual feels like from the inside. Not sadness. Disorientation. A man of sixty-one at the time with thirty years of ministry behind him, driving down the highway wondering whether if a pamphlet.

So the grief goes underground, where it does not get smaller. It just stops being witnessed.

Everything else in this book assumes you’ll let yourself call this what it is. A death. A loss of something you highly valued.

The Porcupine

I sent my six kids a cartoon after things fell apart. A porcupine sitting in a bathtub of water, with no bubbles left in it. The porcupine was looking at the bottle of bubble bath on the floor beside the tub, saying, “Well, that didn’t work out very well.”

I told them this was how I felt right then.

Sharon’s counsel about the kids was practical. Tell them when it’s a rough day. Tell them when it’s a good one. If they don’t know, they’ll compare notes with each other — I talked to Dad today, he said he was fine, but he didn’t sound fine — and they’ll spend their energy trying to work out whether you’re all right instead of just knowing.

A grown child does not need to be protected from the fact that you’re sad. They need to be protected from having to guess.

The Song of the Bow

When Saul died, David tore his clothes and wept and fasted until evening.

Saul had spent years hunting him. Saul had thrown a spear at him in his own house, chased him into the wilderness with three thousand men, and hunted him from cave to cave. There was no funeral David was obligated to attend and no ritual anybody would have expected of him.

Nobody would have blamed him for feeling relief. He probably did feel relief. Relief and grief are not opposites, and they apparently have no trouble sharing a room.

What David did was write it down. He composed a lament — the Song of the Bow — and 2 Samuel says he ordered that the people of Judah be taught it.

He took a loss nobody had a ceremony for, and he made one.

That’s the move. When there’s no bench and no service and no casserole, you don’t get to wait for somebody to hand you a ritual. You build the ritual.

What You Might Do

Give yourself the year. Write down the date it ended and count forward twelve months, and if you’re not at peak performance in month five, look at the number instead of examining your character.

Tell the people closest to you where you actually are. Not the full account — a rough day is enough, and it saves them from guessing.

And make the ritual, since nobody’s going to make one for you. Write the thing down. I typed out my own summary of that whole relationship — the good in it, the bad in it, all of it — not to publish and not to send to anybody. Writing it down let me look at it as an object instead of a wound, and then let me set it on a shelf for a bit.

You are not exempt from grief because your marriage was short, or because there were no children, or because a court finished it faster than a funeral would have.

There’s a bench in Lexington with Lana’s name on it, and I stop when I’m driving that way.

Nothing anywhere marks the other one.

So I’m making this.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You keep a record of tears that nobody else witnessed. Thank You that You don’t require a loss to be respectable before You would call it a loss. Lord, for those of us who have been ruling ourselves out — because it was short, or because we’re the ones who filed, or because we think we’ve already used up our allotment of grief — would You overrule that? Let us stop auditing our own pain to see whether it qualifies. Give us the honesty to tell the people who love us where we really are today. And where there’s no ceremony and no casserole and nobody knows what to say to us, would You be the One who marks it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read 2 Samuel 1:17-27. David composed a lament for a man who had hunted him and had it taught to the whole nation. What does it tell you that he made a ceremony where none was required?

2. Read Psalm 56:8. What does it mean that God keeps a record of tears (King James Version) — and what would change if you believed that about the crying you’ve done where nobody could see you?

3. What’s the case you’ve built for why your loss doesn’t count? Write the argument out in full, then read it back and ask whether you’d say it to a friend in the same position.

4. What date does your year start from? Count twelve months forward and write that date down. What would you do differently this month if you took that timeline seriously?

Chapter 2: It’s Never Just One Thing

“Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you” (1 Kings 19:7b).

I want to tell you about the morning I fell apart on the phone with a woman in a hospital billing office, over four hundred dollars, and won. But I didn’t feel like I won.

Five years earlier, during the prep for my heart surgery, the scans had picked up a couple of aneurysms in my abdomen and some narrowing in my carotid arteries. Nobody had followed up on it. When I finally got in front of a new cardiologist, she looked at my chart and said she couldn’t understand why nobody had checked on this in five years.

I did not want to do those scans.

I didn’t want to spend the money — it was around ten thousand dollars, and the way my coverage works, if they find something wrong, it’s covered, and if they don’t find something wrong I’m on my own. I’d get a thirty-five percent discount for paying up front, which would have saved about a thousand dollars, so there was a decision inside the decision.

But mostly I just didn’t want to know. I only vaguely knew what might go wrong, but as long as I didn’t do the scan, I didn’t have to hear the answer.

I finally scheduled them in a city an hour away, and I scheduled them there on purpose: that office had a doctor on site, so I could do the tests and get the results in the same trip. One drive. One half-day. Done.

I did the first test. I did the second test. Then I asked when I’d be seeing the doctor.

The doctor had called in sick. There was no doctor in the building.

They offered to reschedule me with the doctor for the following week closer to home. Another day off, another drive, and a four-hundred-dollar office visit for a ten-minute conversation about results I had already read online that morning. Unremarkable. Unchanged.

So I asked, as calmly as I could, whether they might waive the fee for that future visit, since I’d only come to this city so I could see the doctor on the same day as the tests.

She said they’d have to charge for that doctor’s visit. It’s the policy.

I said I understand, but if I had missed the appointment without twenty-four hours’ notice, you’d charge me for that too, wouldn’t you?

She said that’s different.

I asked if the doctor could just email me the results. No — it has to be in person. Could we do it by phone? No — it’s policy.

And I could feel it starting. That hot, tight feeling that starts somewhere under my ribs.

I explained it again. Then I explained it again. By the fifth time my voice was up and my hands were shaking and I finally said, loudly, that I would not be paying for that future visit and I would not be taking another half-day off for something that was not my fault.

There was a pause. Then she said, “Well, they called you, didn’t they?”

I said no. Nobody called me. I found out after the tests were over, just then, standing at the desk.

“Oh,” she said. “They didn’t call you. Okay, that’s different. Let me check on it.”

And that was it. She fixed it. No second charge, just a second drive.

I walked away shaking from the tension, and I did not feel like a man who had just won anything. I felt like the guy who yells at people over four hundred dollars.

The Part That Bothered Me

It wasn’t the first time.

I’d done the same thing with a contractor. I’d done it with an administrator at a school where I’d been staging a production. I’d done it in this marriage more times than I want to count — explain, explain, explain, and then snap. And snapping worked, which was the worst part. People fixed things when I snapped. Nothing seemed to change when I was reasonable.

A few weeks earlier I had cried in a bathroom at Walmart, twenty minutes after walking out of a Celebrate Recovery meeting, a biblically based 12-step program.

So the question I brought to Sharon that week wasn’t about the hospital. It was: what is wrong with me? Why does four hundred dollars take me from a one to a ten? I’ve negotiated contracts. I’ve run a ministry on donations for over three decades. I’ve been in rooms far harder than that office visit.

I laid the whole thing out for her, the whole ridiculous story, expecting her to help me manage my temper.

She said, “The problem is, it’s never just one thing. It’s a pile.”

Doing the Math

I wrote that down, and then I sat with it, and then I did the math on that particular Wednesday.

I had a marriage ending. I had papers sitting unsigned and unsure if they would be. I had five hundred people I’d invited to a celebration who now had to be told something. I had a ministry I’d stopped doing and couldn’t figure out how to start again. I had money going out and not much coming in. And I had two tests I’d been avoiding for five years, and the scans would tell me whether those words were about to become the rest of my life.

That was the load I was carrying into the conversation.

Four hundred dollars didn’t do that to me. Four hundred dollars was just the piece that happened to be on top.

We all know the phrase about the straw that broke the camel’s back. Nobody blames the straw. Everybody understands the problem is the load. But when it’s our own back, we look at the straw and conclude something must be deeply wrong with us.

Sharon put it another way. She said it wasn’t the doctor’s office at all — it was the whole thing, all of it at once. And the same had been true at that school. That hadn’t been one bad evening either. It had been a daily piling on, for months, and I’d read the final evening as evidence about my character.

That was the first genuinely new thought I’d had in weeks. I’d been running a trial in my head with myself as the defendant, and I’d gotten the charges wrong. I wasn’t an unstable man who couldn’t hold it together over a routine billing dispute. I was a man carrying six things who got handed a seventh.

Those are not the same diagnosis, and they don’t have the same treatment.

What God Did About Elijah’s Pile

There’s a story about the prophet Elijah.

Elijah just had one of the greatest days of his career. He stood alone against four hundred and fifty prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel, called down fire from heaven in front of the whole nation, and won. Total victory. Then he outran a chariot on foot all the way to Jezreel.

And then he gets a message from someone saying she intends to kill him.

He runs a full day into the desert, sits down under a bush, and asks God to take his life. One of the greatest prophets in Israel, twenty-four hours after one of the greatest miracles of his life, wants to die because of a threatening message.

It looks completely disproportionate. It is completely disproportionate — if you only count the message.

But look at what God does about it. He doesn’t correct Elijah’s theology. He doesn’t remind him about the fire on the mountain. He doesn’t tell him to pull himself together, and He doesn’t ask him a single question about why he’s overreacting.

He lets him sleep. Then an angel wakes him up and feeds him. Then He lets him sleep again. Then the angel comes back and feeds him a second time and says:

“Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you” (1 Kings 19:7b).

The journey. Not the message. God treated the pile.

The assignment comes later — there’s a mountain, and a wind, and an earthquake, and a fire, and then that famous gentle whisper, and eventually new work to do. But none of that happens until after two meals and two long sleeps. God fed him before He talked to him.

I find that to be an enormous relief. There is a kind of collapse that isn’t a spiritual failure and isn’t a character flaw. Sometimes it’s just weight. And God’s first response to weight is not a sermon.

What Changes When You Know

Two things changed for me once I could see the pile.

The first is that I stopped issuing verdicts on myself from single incidents. That sounds small. It isn’t. Every one of those blowups had been going into a file in my head labeled evidence that I am too weak for my own life, and my wife had been telling me things that agreed with that file, and I was starting to believe the whole thing. Seeing the pile didn’t excuse my high volume at that office visit. It just correctly assigned it.

The second is that it changed what I do next.

Sharon told me that once I could see the pile, the Holy Spirit would help me compartmentalize — that I’d start being able to take one thing off the top and handle it by itself, without setting off an avalanche. She said I’d begin to think: I am going to deal with this, and nothing else.

The way I do it now is simpler. Before a conversation I know might go sideways, I write down the one thing I want and the one sentence I’ll say. In that office visit, the sentence was: “The doctor wasn’t there. I’m not able to pay for a visit that didn’t happen.” It would have taken nine seconds.

The reason I couldn’t find those words in the moment is that I wasn’t arguing about the appointment. I was arguing about the whole pile, with a woman who had nothing to do with any of it.

The Other Person Has a Pile Too

Sharon told me she watches people’s eyes. If someone won’t look at her, she figures there’s trouble at home, that they’re having a miserable day, and that she’s probably their problem for the moment.

That woman in the office was somebody’s employee, reading a policy off a screen, on some Tuesday of her own. I have no idea what was on her pile. I know I got added to it.

And the person at the school, the one I finally exploded at — when I thought about it honestly, months later, I could see that he’d had plenty stacked up already, and what I said just put him over. His reaction wasn’t proportionate to my sentence either.

None of that means I was wrong about the four hundred dollars. I wasn’t. It means the volume wasn’t about the four hundred dollars, and neither was hers, and neither was his.

Almost nobody you deal with today is responding only to you. That is worth remembering when someone’s reaction to you seems far too big for what you did. And it’s worth remembering when your own reaction is, too.

If you find yourself shaking over something small — and then adding that to the list of things wrong with you — try doing the math first. Write down everything you’re actually carrying this week. Not the incident. The load.

What I found was that I wasn’t falling apart over four hundred dollars. I was carrying six things and somebody handed me a seventh. And once I could see that, I was doing considerably better than I’d thought.

Which raises the real question, and it’s the one I asked Sharon next: what am I supposed to do with a pile that big?

She said something about pie.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You know exactly what we’re carrying, down to the last item, even when we’ve lost count ourselves. Thank You that when Elijah collapsed, You didn’t lecture him — You fed him and let him sleep, and You called the journey what it was. Lord, would You do that for us? Show us the whole load instead of just the last thing on top of it. Where we’ve been handing down harsh verdicts on ourselves from one bad afternoon, correct us. Where we’ve been quick to judge somebody else’s reaction, give us the grace to remember they’re carrying something we can’t see. And give us the wisdom to take one thing at a time from Your hand. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read 1 Kings 18:36-46 and then 1 Kings 19:1-9. What had Elijah just accomplished, and how much time passed before he wanted to die?

2. Look at how God responds in verses 5-8. What does He do first, and what does He not say? What does that tell you about how God views exhaustion?

3. Think of a recent time your reaction seemed bigger than the situation deserved. Instead of asking what’s wrong with you, try listing everything you were carrying that week. What was actually on the pile?

4. Is there someone whose reaction to you felt out of proportion? What might have been on their pile that you couldn’t see?

Chapter 3: One Slice at a Time

“The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day” (Exodus 16:4b).

A few days after my wife left, I sat down at my desk and made a list of everything that had to happen.

I had to tell the five hundred people who had been invited to a celebration that it was no longer going to take place. I had to cancel the events. I had to get papers drawn up and figure out how to get them signed by someone in another state who I had no idea if she’d sign them. I had to decide what to say to thousands of email subscribers who had read all about how God had brought us together. I had to figure out what to do about the health insurance we’d combined. I had to answer my six kids.

And underneath all of that, I had a desk with six separate piles of projects I’d set down when I met her and hadn’t picked up since. A movie script. A puppet opera video I’d stopped editing at Christmas. Brochures I’d had printed to raise a hundred thousand dollars, sitting in a box, unfolded.

I looked at that list and had one thought. It was not a godly one.

I want to be done.

Not done with the marriage — that decision had already been made. Done with the aftermath. I wanted a date on the calendar when all of it would be finished and I could go back to being a person with a normal Tuesday.

So I started trying to do all of it at once. I’d draft the note to the five hundred people, get three sentences in, remember the insurance, go look at the insurance, get overwhelmed, open the movie script instead, and accomplish exactly nothing in four hours. Then I’d go to bed feeling like a man who’d wasted a day he couldn’t afford to waste.

When I described this to Sharon, she said, “You’re trying to do it all at once, and you can’t.”

Then she told me not to make a single announcement until Monday. That was on a Wednesday. She just handed four days back to me on my calendar.

I felt about a hundred pounds lighter.

The Pie

A few weeks later she gave me the picture that went with it.

She said she uses the old pie thing with people. Don’t try to eat the whole pie at once. Cut it up, take a slice, and deal with that. If you eat the whole thing, it’s going to make you sick. She said she’s watched people take a quarter of a pie in one sitting and then wonder why their stomach hurts.

I wrote it down even though I thought it sounded like something on a magnet.

I’ve been going to Celebrate Recovery long enough to have heard one day at a time several hundred times. I believe it. I’ve said it to other people. But by that point in my life I’d stopped hearing it, the way you stop hearing a clock in your own kitchen.

Then she told me the rest of it, and the rest of it is what made it true.

What Her Granddaughter Told Her

Sharon has a granddaughter who thinks math is fun. Sharon does not. She says she and math parted ways a long time ago.

But she’d been explaining the pie idea to this granddaughter one day, and asked her how something so simple could possibly help a person get organized. So the granddaughter sat down and did the actual mathematics of it, dividing up a pie eight ways.

And then she said the thing that changed it for Sharon.

Grandma — every time you slice into that pie, some of the other slices run into it. The filling moves. The juice from the pieces on either side runs into the cut. So even when you take one slice, you have to recognize it’s been sitting against the whole thing, and it’s bringing some of the rest with it.

And it’s still not more than you can handle.

That’s the part that isn’t on a magnet.

I had been trying to take things one at a time. That’s what people were telling me to do. But every time I sat down to handle one thing, the whole thing came with it.

I’d sit down to write the note to those five hundred people, and within four sentences I’d be thinking about what she was posting online, and then about whether I’d been a fool from the first week, and then about the money, and then about whether God had ever actually spoken to me at all. One task. Six other flavors bleeding into it.

And I read that as failure. I thought it meant I couldn’t do it right, that other people could compartmentalize and I couldn’t, that something in me was broken.

The correction is that the juice running in is normal. It’s what happens when you cut into a pie. It doesn’t mean the piece was too big. It means the pieces were touching, which they always are.

I had been trying to take a slice with nothing else on it. There’s no such slice.

God Deliberately Built a System You Can’t Stockpile

When the Israelites came out of Egypt into the desert with no food, God fed them with manna, and He was very particular about how.

“The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day” (Exodus 16:4b).

Enough for that day. Not for the week. And when some of them tried to store extra overnight, it bred worms and began to stink.

That detail matters when you’re sitting in your own kitchen with a list you can’t finish. God was not being stingy. He had every ability to drop a year’s supply in the desert. He chose a system that could not be stockpiled.

There’s only one thing a system like that produces: a person who has to come back tomorrow.

And there’s a second detail in the story. On the sixth day they gathered twice as much, and it kept — no worms, no smell — because the seventh day was a Sabbath. So the rule wasn’t rigid. God adjusted the portion to the day. Some days the slice is bigger. Some days the assignment is to stop.

Jesus said a similar thing near the end of the Sermon on the Mount:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).

Each day has enough. Not too much. Enough.

What One Slice Actually Looked Like

For me it came down to three habits, and none of them are complicated.

I decided what the slice was before the day started. Not a list. One thing. Some days it was “write the note.” Some days it was “call the insurance company.” Some days it was “fold brochures,” which sounds like nothing, but it was a thing that got finished, and a thing that got finished was like medicine.

I let the juice run in without treating it as evidence. When the other flavors showed up — and they did show up — I stopped concluding that I was doing it wrong.

I put a timer on how much I’d talk about it. Sharon told me to decide in advance how long I’d discuss the divorce with any one friend, and then move on to something else. I actually set my phone. Twelve minutes.

That last one sounds juvenile. I said so at the time. She said it wasn’t, and she was right, because there’s a way to choke on your own subject.

She has a new Labrador who will take anything out of her hand and swallow it whole, and then she has to reach down his throat and pull it back out, because he has no idea how to eat a little bit of something. I did that to myself for months. I’d sit down with a friend who’d asked how I was doing and take the whole thing in one bite, three hours of it, and stand up afterwards wrung out and not always better.

The subject isn’t the problem. The portion is.

Different Than One Day at a Time

I told Sharon that I knew about one day at a time, but one slice at a time gave me something new.

One day at a time is about the clock, and the clock is not actually my problem. I can get through a day. What I couldn’t do was get through everything in a day, and no amount of “one day at a time” told me how much to put on the plate.

A slice is about size. It’s the amount, not the hour. Some days I got through three slices and felt like a man again. Some days one slice was the whole day’s work, and one slice was enough, because there is no rule that says a Tuesday has to hold more than one true thing.

And there’s one more thing I like about the pie analogy. Pie is not a punishment. I don’t eat pie grimly. When I take a slice of something good, I can actually taste it. When I take the whole pan, I hardly taste any of it and I feel awful afterwards.

I had been trying to swallow the entire thing whole and not tasting one bite of it.

The pile in chapter two was real. I was carrying six things when the seventh came. But the answer to a pile that size was never going to be to lift the whole pile.

It was to cut it.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that we don’t need more than one day at a time, even in the desert, even when we begged You for the whole year’s worth. Thank You that You built us to need You again tomorrow. Lord, we confess that we want to be done — done with the grief, done with the aftermath, done with the part where everything is hard. Would You show us the one slice that belongs to today? Give us the grace to leave the rest on the counter without calling ourselves failures for it. And when the other flavors run into the piece we’re working on, remind us that this is how pie works, and that it’s still not more than we can handle with Your help. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Exodus 16:1-30. Why do you think God chose to provide food that couldn’t be stored up? What was He producing in the people besides full stomachs?

2. In verses 22-26, the rule changes for the sixth day. What does that suggest about how God adjusts what He gives us?

3. Read Matthew 6:25-34. Jesus says each day has enough trouble of its own. What are you currently carrying that belongs to a day that hasn’t arrived yet?

4. If you could only finish one thing tomorrow, what would it be? Try writing it down tonight, before the day starts and decides for you.

Chapter 4: Learning to Go to Neutral

“May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day” (1 Samuel 25:33).

On that Monday night I walked out of a meeting — it was Celebrate Recovery meeting — drove to Walmart, and cried in the bathroom.

I’d been keeping a list that week at one of the exercises. Every time I could remember getting to that red place in my emotions — the place where my voice goes up and my hands start shaking — I wrote it down. I had a couple dozen of them by then, going back to high school, and they all had the same shape.

Somebody does something wrong. Not debatable wrong. Wrong the way a stop sign is red.

I let it go. I let it go again. I let it go a third time, because I’m a reasonable man and reasonable men don’t make a scene over one thing.

Then I finally say something, and by the time I say it I’m at a nine, and everybody in the room turns and looks at me.

That’s the part that’s hard to get through. Nobody argues about the original wrong. It just quietly leaves the room. What’s left on the table is my volume.

So that Monday night, someone said something to me that pushed me to the edge.

When it was my time to share, I said out loud that this was the exact thing I was dealing with in my own life that week. That I get angry when people do the wrong thing, and then I explode, and then they explode back, and somehow it becomes my problem — and it is my problem at that point, because I can’t find another way to say it that it doesn’t come back on me.

I had just handed the room something soft. And someone said something back to me that landed hard.

I couldn’t take it. I wasn’t out of control — I was standing at the edge of it and looking over, which is its own particular feeling.

So I said I couldn’t hear anything right now, that I’d just shared something vulnerable, and that I was going to have to step out and go sit in my car. I said I was sorry, and that I didn’t want to make anybody mad.

Then I walked out.

And in the parking lot, the whole thing landed on me at once. I can never come back here. I can never do ministry again.

I drove to Walmart. I don’t remember deciding to. I stood in the bathroom and cried, and then I texted two of the group leaders, who had both been sitting there watching, and apologized.

Two Verdicts, Twenty Minutes

Both of them texted back within a few minutes, and they said more or less the same thing.

No need to apologize. Proud of you for standing up for yourself. We love you. We are for you.

I read it twice.

They were proud of me?

I was standing in a Walmart bathroom, convinced I was finished.

Same room. Same twenty minutes. Two completely different verdicts.

I told Sharon about all of it that week, including the part where I couldn’t square what I saw with what they saw.

What She Said

She didn’t start with the meeting. She started with a thing I hadn’t thought to mention, which is that a few years before, I’d handled something hard well.

She said, “You can be at an emotional high — whether it’s a good high or an angry high. And in both of them, you slack. You need to return to neutral.”

The Third Option

Slack is what a rope does when the hand opens and lets go completely. Not lowered. Dropped. And that’s why I’d crash. 

I’d been living with an on-off switch, not a dial.

Setting number one on my dial was hold it in. Swallow it, be gracious, be the bigger man, and add it to the pile. Setting two was splatter. Neither of them had a floor.

What I hadn’t realized on my own was that from a high — any high — the next move doesn’t have to be a crash. It can be neutral.

Neutral isn’t swallowing it. Swallowing it is what got me to the nine in the first place. Neutral is coming down off the throttle without going through the guardrail.

And it turns out I’d done it before, in the good direction. Sharon had watched me on what she called an authoritative high, in a situation where I could have said I don’t need another problem, deal with it yourself. I didn’t. I stepped in and handled it.

I’d never counted that as a skill. I’d only counted the failures. Twenty-four entries on my list, all of them losses, and not one entry for a night I came down clean.

That’s not a record. That’s a prosecution file.

Two Things

Sharon gave me two things, and they’re in order.

Find the triggers. Not the general observation about my temper — the specific list of what puts me at the edge. I already had the list. I’d made it that week without knowing I would use it here.

Then know ahead of time what you’re going to do about it. Before you’re in the room. Because in the room, there’s no deciding — in the room there’s only doing whatever you already do.

Her son gave her the sentence she uses for the second part: Is this the mountain I want to die on?

Some of them are. A few things are worth the whole nine.

What’s actually happening on an angry high, she said, is fear. That’s why I don’t want anyone near me, why everything in me is saying don’t touch me, don’t come near me. That’s not anger protecting itself. That’s fear.

And when I’m fearful, she said, others becomes fearful — because they don’t know what I’m going to do.

I thought my anger was the problem and my fear was private. They were the same weather. Everybody in that Monday night meeting could see it, but I couldn’t name it.

Then she told me about a couple she was working with, both of whom could explode. Her instruction to them was that one of them has to put their arms out. Just open your arms.

They asked her how you’re supposed to hug that.

She said, “You do. It’s a decision.”

David Had a List Too

There’s a story in 1 Samuel that’s one of the best accounts of an angry high in Scripture.

David and his men had been protecting a wealthy man’s flocks in the wilderness — a real service, unpaid, unasked for. At shearing time David sends ten men to ask, politely, for whatever Nabal can spare.

Nabal insults him and sends them back empty.

David was in the right. That’s what makes the story useful. He wasn’t imagining the slight, he wasn’t being sensitive, he hadn’t misread the situation. He had done a good thing and been treated with contempt for it.

Put on your swords, he tells them. Four hundred men, up the hill, to kill every male in the household over a refused request for food.

Nobody in that story would have called it disproportionate in the moment. He’d have gotten there and done it and had reasons the whole way.

Abigail intercepts him on the road. She brings food, she takes the blame that isn’t hers, she talks. And David stops.

“Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me” (1 Samuel 25:32).

He thanked her for stopping him. Not later, after he’d cooled off and thought better of it — right there on the road, still armed, he understood exactly what he’d been about to do and what it would have cost him for the rest of his life.

David went to neutral. He didn’t swallow it; the account is plain that he was furious and that his anger had a case behind it. He came down off it, on the road, because somebody stepped in front of him.

That’s what my group leaders’ texts were. Someone on a road with a donkey full of bread, telling a man with a sword that this is not the mountain.

The Car in the Middle of the Night

Months later I bought a car on a Saturday, and it wore me out. I’ve bought a lot of cars. I still never know if I’m getting the right one.

I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night certain I’d made a bad decision.

And I said to myself, Eric, put it in neutral.

The new car had a stick shift, which made it funnier at two in the morning.

I went back to sleep. I drove the car the next day and it was exactly right.

Neutral isn’t only for anger. It works on a second guess, and second guesses are the things that come for me at two in the morning far more often than rage does.

I’m not going to tell you my second guesses are always wrong. Sometimes they’re right. There are things I second-guessed about that marriage two weeks in, and I was right.

The point isn’t that the doubt is false. The point is that two in the morning is not a place where most decisions get made well.

Not a Nine

I told a friend about that Monday night some time afterward. She grew up with a father who was abusive — physically, verbally, all of it — and she has been in rooms I’ve never been in.

I described what happens to me. The shaking. Backing up. Getting myself out the door before anything comes out of my mouth that I can’t take back.

She said, “I hear what you’re saying, Eric. But believe me, that’s not a nine.”

She’d seen a nine.

I’m not putting that here to defend myself. Though I might want to.

What she corrected was the number, not the work. My scale was calibrated to my own life, the way everybody’s is, and on my scale a church meeting room on a Monday was the top of it. On hers, the top of the scale has broken furniture in it.

Both of those things are true at once, and the second one doesn’t cancel the first. Whatever number it was, people in that room could see something happening and couldn’t tell what I was going to do next. That’s the part that needed fixing, and it needed fixing at a four just the same.

Two Things You Can Do This Week

Make the list. Not a list of your character flaws — a list of the specific situations that have put you at the edge, with what happened just before each one. Mine turned out to be one repeated situation wearing twenty-four different outfits.

Then pick the one most likely to happen again, and write down the sentence you’ll say. Short. Something like I need to step out for a few minutes, or I’m not going to talk about this tonight.

Decide the exit before you need it, because you won’t be deciding anything once you’re in it.

I told Sharon, half jokingly, that if I could get to neutral maybe I wouldn’t end up crying in a bathroom at Walmart.

Then I said: although maybe you still cry.

You still cry sometimes. Neutral isn’t a personality transplant and it isn’t holy indifference. I still get to a nine — my nine. I get there less, and I get down off it faster, and I no longer write a verdict on my whole life from the parking lot.

The man I was that Monday night thought he’d proven something about himself. The other leaders, who were in the room, thought I’d done the right thing.

They were closer.

The car has a stick shift. I have to reach down and shift it.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You’re not surprised by our tempers, and that You don’t mistake our worst twenty minutes for the whole of who we are. Lord, You know the places we get to — the ones where we can feel our own control getting thin. Show us the triggers before we’re standing in them. Give us the words ahead of time, and the humility to write them down like a man who knows he’ll need them. Where fear has been driving and we’ve been calling it conviction, tell us the truth about it. And thank You for the people You send out onto the road to stand in front of us. Help us to bless them for it instead of driving around them. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read 1 Samuel 25:2-35. What had David actually done for Nabal, and what was he planning to do about the insult? Was he wrong about the facts?

2. Look at David’s words to Abigail in verses 32-33. What does he thank her for, and how quickly does he say it? What does that suggest about how fast a person can come down off an angry high when somebody steps in?

3. Think of the last three times your reaction went further than you meant it to. What happened in the ten minutes before each one? Is it the same thing three times?

4. Pick the situation most likely to come around again this month. What’s the one short sentence you’ll say, and where will you go afterward? Write both down now, while nothing is happening.

Chapter 5: It Doesn’t Get a Vote

“And being in anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground” (Luke 22:44).

I pass out at needles. I have my whole life, and so have several people in my family, so I’ve learned to say it out loud to whoever is holding the needle.

I get stage fright too, and it goes to my hands. I can talk in front of anybody. I’ve done it for decades. But put an instrument in my hands and I’m done — I walked off a stage in the middle of a recital as a kid.

So when they told me the CAT scan needed contrast, which meant an IV, I knew what I was in for.

I told the nurse. I said I get faint, and that if I go down it’s usually during the few minutes afterward. She said the best thing is to let me lie there a while before I try to get up. I asked her to talk to me during the process. She asked if I wanted her to narrate what she was doing, and I said yes, please.

So she talked me through the whole thing. Now the saline. Now the contrast, you’re going to feel warm. And I did — I felt it move up into my throat.

While we were talking I asked her whether the needle thing and the stage fright could be related, because after I speak in public I crash for twenty-four hours. Not tired. I just drop. She said she hadn’t heard that before but it made sense to her, same metabolic response.

Then the process was over and I came out of the machine, and she said I’d done really well.

I told her it had been a hard one for me.

And she said, “I’ll be honest with you. That’s the closest I’ve ever seen somebody come to a full-blown panic attack without actually having one.”

I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know it was that bad! I’d been doing that my whole life.

What I Thought My Body Was Telling Me

For as long as I can remember, I read the shaking as a verdict.

Not a symptom. A verdict. Evidence that underneath the sermons and the books and the decades there was a man who came apart, and the shaking was the truth of me getting out beyond the parts I could control.

It happened in my recent marriage too, in conversations I couldn’t get out of. I’d end up backed up across the room with my hands shaking. What frightened me most wasn’t the argument. It was that I didn’t know what was happening to me, or what to do about it.

The question I kept asking was what is wrong with me.

Then I started finding out how many people in my family do the same thing. Past and present, more than one branch of it. That didn’t make it stop. It did tell me I hadn’t invented it.

Then I started hearing it from people outside my family — people I respect, people who function at a high level and have carried this quietly the whole time I’ve known them.

So I stopped asking what was wrong with me and started asking how to get through it. That’s a different question, and I may not like the answer. I may not ever get over this. I’ve made a rough peace with that.

People have handed me their methods over the years. Tell the nurse. Drink something. Lie down before, not after. Don’t watch. I’ve tried most of them, with results all over the map.

I brought all of it to Sharon — the recital, the needles, the crash after speaking, the IV.

What She Said

As a certified nurse and a degree-holding counselor, she said every nerve in your body collects at the base of your neck. When you’re going into something that requires your emotions to be controlled — a stage, a hard conversation, a table with an IV pole next to it — you tighten up there without meaning to. That runs down into your arms.

And then you go to do something and think, why is my hand shaking?

“That is a physiological reaction to fear,” she said. “Those are real physical reactions to an emotional situation, because your body does respond. That’s a whole lot more normal than you think.”

She said something else, from the medical side of it. Under sustained stress, the neurotransmitters in your brain are close to shorting out. They don’t know which way to go. And when you finally get to the place where you can say all right, I’m ready to start over — they start acting normally again. You think better. You feel better. You’re able to plan.

The Pill I Didn’t Take

I asked her about taking medicine. I told her I had a pill my doctor had prescribed in case I ever felt I needed it. She said there was nothing wrong with taking medicine.

I’d only ever taken a few days’ worth of it in the entire time, because somewhere along the line I had decided I wasn’t going to need it.

She said it was ok to carry one with me. That wasn’t a spiritual failure. That was a practical reality.

A few weeks later I got through two hard days and told her I’d thought about taking one and hadn’t needed to.

She said, “And if you had, it’s not the end of the world.”

The freedom was the whole thing. Having the option is what gave me the control. Not the medication — the fact that there was a door, and I could see it, and it was mine to open.

I had thought it was better for me not to carry a pill so I could prove I didn’t need one, which is a strange way to prove you’re not controlled by something.

The Sentence

Sharon said something to me weeks later, in a conversation about something else entirely.

“Our body is neutral. It follows along with our emotions and reacts to our emotions. But our bodily reactions — they’re neutral in themselves.”

All of these reactions make up the physical machinery — hands, heart rate, the back of your neck.

The medical world calls it sensory reprogramming, she said. Self-sensory reprogramming.

“We just think, oh, we’re out of control. No. Your spirit is in control, because your flesh is neutral.”

I hadn’t separated the two.

I had them fused. Body and self, welded together, so that a shaking hand was a report on my character and a crash after a sermon meant something about my calling.

They come apart. The body follows. It doesn’t lead, and it doesn’t get to vote about what kind of man is standing there.

Hands shake because the nerves in your body gather at the base of your neck. That’s it. That’s the entire content of the message.

The Weekend

Some months later I hosted several men at my house for a retreat weekend. I usually get keyed up prior to an event like this and crash after.

But this time I went into it even-keeled.

Saturday night I started to come apart a little, because of what people were sharing and because part of me was sure I was the one who was supposed to be fixing it. I felt the other men wanted me to step in and deal with it decisively. You’re the one to say it, Eric.

I sat on my hands. I said thank you for sharing, and next, and thank you for sharing, and next.

And because nobody jumped in on the man who seemed to need fixing, he later was able to share about a fear that was controlling him that was driving his behavior. That would have never surface had I tried to over manage the room.

I came out the other side of that weekend, still after three days time, and still without incident. Somehow I was able to shift into neutral.

I told Sharon about it, and she said, “Welcome to graduation day. You’re never going to do this again.”

Then she added, “Your actions and reactions are going to be different now. It’s kind of like a reset.”

She said she could see the difference in my face.

What she handed me across all those conversations was hope, and I don’t want to shrink that word by using it casually. Not a technique. Hope that it didn’t have to keep being this way. That a man could take a new direction even this late.

She talked about her own stress, and about people she’d watched carry things like this for years and go on ministering anyway. Through it. Not after it, once they’d been repaired. Nobody in her account ever got taken off the field for it.

And a long run of bad experiences doesn’t get argued with. It gets outnumbered. Success breeds success, and the way through is to start putting small wins on the other side of the ledger where there’s felt nothing but losses.

Which is why the picture that helps me most is still the one from the car. I know now that I can put it in neutral — not just because I understand the mechanism, but because I’ve done it and I can remember doing it.

The Sweat in the Garden

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Luke tells us that Jesus was in anguish, that He prayed more earnestly, and that His sweat became like drops of blood falling to the ground.

Luke was a physician. He put the physical detail in his description on purpose.

And heaven’s response to a body under that much load was not correction. “An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him” (Luke 22:43). Strength, sent to a body.

People don’t treat that sweat in the garden as a failure of faith. It’s one of the most extreme physiological stress responses in the Bible and it belongs to the Son of God, in the middle of the most obedient hour in human history.

Paul told the Corinthians something similar about himself: “I came to you in weakness with great fear, and with much trembling” (1 Corinthians 2:3).

That’s the man who wrote most of the letters in the New Testament, describing, perhaps, what was happening with his hands.

What You Might Try

Name it out loud to whoever is in the room with you. I told the nurse I pass out at needles and asked her to talk to me, and she did, and I got through it. It helped me through it, even though I was on the edge of what she described as the closest she’s seen someone come to a full-blown panic attack without actually having one. :)

Carry the thing you may not need. Maybe it’s a tablet, a phone number, a sentence you’ve already decided you’ll say, an exit you’ve already located. The option is doing most of the work, whether or not you ever use it.

And when your hands go, try treating it as information about your nervous system rather than information about your character. The nerves in your body gather at the base of your neck. They gather there for everybody.

My hands still shake.

They don’t get a vote about who I am.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You made these bodies and You are not disappointed by them. Thank You that when Your own Son sweat blood in a garden, You sent an angel to strengthen Him and never once told Him to pull Himself together. Lord, for those of us who have been reading our own symptoms as a verdict — the shaking, the racing heart, the crash that comes after — would You separate what our bodies are doing from who You say we are? Give us the plain sense to name it out loud to the people in the room. Give us the humility to carry help we may not use. And thank You that our bodies follow and do not lead, and that Your Spirit is the one in charge in here. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Luke 22:39-46. What physical details does Luke include, and what does the angel do about them? What does the passage not say about the sweat?

2. Read 1 Corinthians 2:1-5. Paul names fear and trembling in the middle of describing his ministry in Corinth. Why do you think he told them, and what does he say his message rested on instead?

3. What does your own body do under stress — hands, stomach, sleep, voice? When did you start reading that as evidence about the kind of person you are?

4. What’s one piece of help you’ve refused to carry because you were determined not to need it? What would it cost you to have it in your pocket unused?

Chapter 6: You Are Not a Failure

“I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me” (1 Corinthians 4:3-4).

Years before any of this, I was refinancing my house to get one of my sons to college.

He’d been accepted at a school overseas. It wasn’t the kind of place a normal student loan covers, so I went to the bank where I’d done my banking for several years and started the process with a banker who was, at the beginning, wonderful.

Then something soured. I still don’t know what. Whatever it was, it went down and down over the better part of a year, and I kept telling him the same thing: give me every number in advance. I don’t want to sit down in your office at the closing and find something new.

A few days before the closing, he called. They’d miscalculated the initial payment. I’d need to come up with several thousand dollars more.

We had been working on this loan for nearly a year, and he was telling me days out that the numbers had been wrong the whole time. I asked whether it could be rolled in with the rest of the payments, because I could not produce that kind of money on that kind of notice.

So he was on notice too. If there was anything else, this was the moment to say it.

Then I sat down in his office at the closing, across the table from him, and found another fee he had never mentioned. A small administrative fee.

I asked him to remove it, as I had asked for every number up front, repeatedly, and he knew it, even in the conversation that happened just a few days before. He said it was standard, and that they’d actually discounted it for me.

Discounted it. Which meant he had known about it all along, and rather than offend me again, they had marked it down to make it easier for me to swallow.

So I asked: is this a standard fee that’s been on every loan you’ve ever written, and you still didn’t disclose it to me until we sat down to sign? He said yes. I asked if their bank would cover it, as it was not part of our agreement. He said no. I was boiling. I asked him: Will you cover that fee yourself? Because you gave me your word to me that you had already disclosed everything that would be on the paper.

He said, “No, I won’t.” He said we could cancel the loan.

I said, “No, we’ll do it. I just wanted to know.”

I signed, my son got on an international flight, and I drove home shaking so hard I could barely hold the wheel — because that man could have killed the loan on the spot, and everything I had worked for regarding that loan and getting my son on the plane could have collapsed.

Three months later I moved the loan to a different bank so that one wouldn’t get my interest.

But because of my shaking, I filed that day under failure.

The List

I keep a list in my mind. It’s about a dozen entries long. Days I fell apart.

The banker is on it. There’s a musical on it. There are others I’m not going to put in a book. They go back decades, and the common thread is that in each of them I ended up shaking, or my voice went, or I said the thing badly, and I came home certain I had just proven something about myself.

I told Sharon about the banker.

She said, “That’s not a failure. These are times you have to step up to the plate. And you did.”

She added: “Think about how many people, in that same frustration, just say fine, let’s get it over with, I don’t want to deal with this anymore. They don’t stand up for themselves at all. You have to advocate.”

I mentally glanced over my list, and a fair number of entries had that same characteristic. I hadn’t failed. I had stood up.

The banker one isn’t a story about a man falling apart. It’s a story about a man who got a straight answer out of somebody, protected his son’s plans, signed anyway, and then quietly took his business elsewhere. What I’d been remembering was the shaking. What actually happened was that I did the whole thing right and my hands were unpleasant about it.

I had catalogued the physical sensation and thrown away the conduct.

The Newest Entry

The divorce went straight onto that list. Top of the pile, and by a wide margin the heaviest.

I said it to Sharon at one point, in the middle of talking about something else entirely: I see it as failure and one of my worst moments.

She had been telling me the decision was mine to make and that nobody else was going to make it for me, and that what mattered was whether I was making it out of fear or out of frustration.

Then: “It is both. And you know what? You have to tell yourself it’s okay. How could you not feel fearful and frustrated?”

And then the verdict.

“You’re not a failure. This is not a failure situation. Failure will be all on one side. It doesn’t work that way.”

I said okay, still thinking it through.

“If there’s failure, it’s on both parts. And it’s not failure.”

The Musical

Earlier I mentioned a musical was on my list. I had written a musical, directed it, and performed in it, along with a hundred other people from our town.

One of the last nights of rehearsal, everything went at once.

The person who had rented us the building handed me a bill four times what we’d agreed on. One of our key volunteers had to quit the show that same night, because she’d been told she had to follow certain procedures in the building and she was medically unable to do it.

Then the building’s event manager locked out one of our child actors.

She hadn’t come through the door by the arrival time they had announced to us a few hours earlier. We got the note out to everyone involved, but her mother hadn’t seen it. When her mother dropped her off at the building as she had every other rehearsal, she drove away. So the child was standing outside in the snow, unable to get in and unable to go home.

I was in the main auditorium running the rehearsal when somebody came and got me.

I asked the building manager why he wouldn’t let her in. It was cold and snowing outside. He said it was policy.

I asked what the policy was there for. He said to protect children.

I said if you wanted to protect children, you would let this child into the building.

He was furious. He stormed off and quit the show — as he was both in charge of the building that night and a cast member.

I had the child brought inside. I met with her mother, who by then had been called and was livid. Then I went back to the auditorium and finished directing the rehearsal, shaking, the way I do when I’m up against something irrational.

That night went on my list. Near the top of it, for years.

When I finally told Sharon about it, she already knew. She’d been there — as she was directing our dancers.

She said, “Oh, Eric. That was one of your best moments.”

Then she told me something I had not known for all those years.

She was the one who sent someone to bring me backstage that night. The manager had been treating her dancers badly, too. She had called me in specifically, on purpose, because she believed I was the only person there who could properly deal with him.

She said she was proud of me.

I burst into tears.

I had spent years carrying that night as evidence of what I turn into under pressure. She had been carrying it as the night she picked the right man for the job, and watched him do it.

Returning the Gift

There’s a harder piece to this, and it’s the one I still work at.

From the very beginning I’d said I believed God had given my wife to me as a gift. I’d said it publicly. I meant it.

Sharon didn’t ask me to retract that. She did something else with it.

She told me to go to God and say: thank You for giving her to me, and thank You for the time we had. And then: “Just like anything, sometimes we have to return a gift.”

I made a joke, because that’s what I do when something lands hard. I asked whether I could exchange it for a different model. Whether Adam had tried this with Eve.

She let me have the joke and then went right on.

“You can still do this with a thankful, grateful heart. It doesn’t mean you’re not thankful. It doesn’t mean you’re not grateful. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love her.”

I told her that was hard for me to reconcile.

“You need to reconcile that,” she said. “Because God is not judging you as being ungrateful. He knows Eric better than you know Eric.”

I had one friend who couldn’t reconcile it at all. This person told me straight out that they could not put together she was a gift from God and you’re getting a divorce.

What I said back was the truest thing I had at the time: I don’t know that I can reconcile it either. I believe both are true.

Sharon’s answer to that was two sentences long. It isn’t their place to reconcile it. And not everybody is going to agree.

Paul Wouldn’t Judge Himself Either

Paul is being picked apart by the Corinthians.

He says he cares very little what they think of him, or what any human court thinks. Ordinary enough — plenty of people have said that, usually while thinking rather a lot of themselves.

Then he says: I do not even judge myself.

And then the line that says it all. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.

He’s saying his own verdict doesn’t count. In either direction. Feeling clear doesn’t establish innocence, and — the part that matters for anyone holding a list in their mind — feeling guilty doesn’t establish guilt.

I had been running my own courtroom. Prosecutor, judge, and the only witness called.

Paul recused himself. He wasn’t claiming to be fine. He was saying he wasn’t qualified to rule.

What You Might Do

Write your own list. The days you fell apart, as many as you can remember, in whatever order they come.

Then go back through them one at a time and separate two things that have gotten welded together: what your body did, and what you actually did. The shaking, the voice, the tears in the car — that’s one column. The conduct is the other. Like me, maybe you’ve been grading yourself on the wrong column.

And if there’s someone in your life who can’t reconcile two things about your situation, you can stop trying to do it for them. You may not be able to reconcile it yourself yet. Both things can be true while you wait.

There are about a dozen entries on my list. I’d gotten several wrong.

I’m not sure I’m qualified enough to have written it.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You are the judge and we are not — not of other people, and not of ourselves. Thank You that You know us better than we know ourselves, and that You don’t mistake a hard day for a verdict. Lord, for those of us keeping a private list of everything we think we’ve failed at, would You go through it with us? Show us what actually happened on those days. Where we stood up and did the right thing badly, let us see the standing up and not only the badly. And where we’re carrying a thing we can’t reconcile — grateful for a gift and unable to keep it — hold both of them for us until we can. Thank You that You are not judging us as ungrateful. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read 1 Corinthians 4:1-5. Paul refuses to judge himself and says a clear conscience doesn’t prove innocence. What does that suggest about the reliability of your own verdict on yourself, in either direction?

2. Sharon said failure requires all the cause to be on one side. Where in your situation have you assigned yourself the whole account? What would an honest division actually look like?

3. Make the list. Then take the oldest entry and write down separately what your body did and what you actually did. Which column have you been remembering?

4. Is there something you’re grateful for and also had to let go of? What would it take to say thank You for it out loud without taking it back?Chapter 7: Humbling Is Not Humiliation

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time” (1 Peter 5:6).

I was asked to give my testimony one night at Celebrate Recovery. It was a special night, as it was the seven-year anniversary of that church’s program.

Many families and neighboring communities had been invited. And I was going to share that night how God had been working in my life, including getting married recently.

Before I gave my testimony that night, I was praying and journaling. I wrote down what I believed God was saying to me.

I’ve journaled much of my life. It’s how I hear better. I write down what comes, and then I sit with it for a few days and ask some people I trust, because I don’t take my own handwriting as scripture and I don’t always trust myself. 

I asked God what might happen that night. I like having a heads up when I can.

I felt God say:

I will humble you, both personally and professionally, but in a good way.

I stopped at the word. Humbling.

I didn’t want to be humbled.

Not that there was anything I was afraid was going to come out. I’ve written openly about my life for thirty years — the failures are already in print, and there was nothing sitting in a closet waiting for daylight.

The dread wasn’t exposure. It was collapse.

But I also read the second part: In a good way.

If God was in it, I felt it would eventually turn out all right. I still didn’t want to go through any kind of humbling, but I agreed, and said yes. If You’re in it, I’d walk through it.

Then there was a second sentence I had written down, before I even had time to analyze the first. I wrote it down and did not take it in at all.

You need to know how much people love and appreciate and care for you. Invite everyone. Invite them all to the party.

He was talking about the celebrations of our marriage that we had planned that fall.

I gave the testimony. The next day, by noon, everything fell apart. My wife left the day after that and I’ve never seen her again. My head was spinning. How can this be happening?

There it was. My confirmation. God had told me He was going to humble me, and by lunchtime the next day my life had come apart, and any reasonable man reading his own journal would draw a line straight between those two dots.

I drew it. I drew it for months.

The Sword

For years I’ve lived with the sense of a sword hanging over my head.

Not a metaphor I chose. A standing condition. The other shoe is always about to drop, something is always about to come out, and the only thing between me and the drop is whatever I manage to get done today.

That year it got worse, and it got worse in a way I couldn’t have predicted, because what set it off was kindness.

After she left, a friend called to say he’d stand up for me. He’d write a letter defending my integrity, he’d back me up, whatever I needed.

I got off that call frightened.

Why would anybody need to write a letter? What’s coming that he can see and I can’t?

That’s the machinery I was running on. A man calls to say he’s in my corner, and I hang up scanning the horizon for whatever made him say it.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, in a morning of praying and writing, I got a sentence.

Eric, the sword isn’t over your head. It’s in your hand.

Two Ways to Be Made Small

I brought all of it to Sharon — the journal entry, the blow-up, the line I’d drawn between them.

She took the word apart, the word humbling.

When God humbles someone, she said, it’s for an entirely different purpose. It wasn’t the kind of humbling I’d just been through, where you feel humiliated.

“That’s how people do it.”

People humiliate. It’s a diminishing thing, usually done so others can see, and the point of it is that you should be less afterward. That’s the whole objective. When people humiliate you, they usually aren’t trying to prepare you for anything.

Then she gave me a piece of Hebrew.

Part of being humbled, she said, is being made tender. He’s tenderizing you.

I was surprised, because a woman in my Bible study had said the same word to me that morning. They’d been praying over me, and she told me my heart was being tenderized. Pounded, but tenderized. So that I’d be of more use to people afterward.

I’d told her what it felt like from the inside, which was more like being shredded.

She said no. Not shredded.

Two women, in two conversations, on the same day, reaching for the same word about the same heart. I don’t know what to do with that except report it.

The pounding is identical either way. A tenderized cut and a shredded one have both been hit, repeatedly, with something heavy. What differs is whose holding the mallet and what they intend to do with it afterward.

Sharon put the promise on the end. God humbles you to exalt you at the end of the process.

At the end of the process. Not instead of it.

The Humbling I Actually Got

I’d minimized it in my own handwriting.

The humbling was the second sentence.

You need to know how much people love and appreciate and care for you.

I’d been braced for collapse. What arrived was affection, in quantities I had no idea how to receive, from people with no particular reason to keep calling who kept calling.

That is humbling. It turns out to be far more humbling than disgrace would have been.

Ruin I had rehearsed. Being told by one person after another that they loved me and weren’t going anywhere was something I had made no preparations for at all.

My recovery group leaders said it this way: Eric, you need to make the best decision for you. Don’t worry about what anybody else says.

My first reaction was to argue with them. How can you say that? There are so many people to think about.

I’m a people pleaser. I know how that sounds when a man says it out loud — like a small vice, very nearly a virtue.

But a people pleaser is a man who has arranged things so that a great many people have a vote about him and he has none about himself. What God had in mind wasn’t to take those people away from me. It was to sit me still while they told me the truth about how they felt, until I ran out of ways to deflect it.

I was humbled. Just not the way I’d have written it.

The Party

There was supposed to be a party. That’s what the second sentence was about, and I didn’t understand that until much later.

We had married privately. The plan was two public celebrations afterward — one in her state, before she moved, and one in mine, when she arrived. Her people would meet me. My people would welcome her.

Invite everyone. Invite them all to the party.

So we did. The invitations went out. Two hundred of them, covering about five hundred people counting all the couples and families.

Neither celebration ever happened.

For a long time I read that as one of the cruelest parts of this — that I’d written down an instruction I thought was from God about a party, obeyed it, and then had to live with five hundred people invited to something that wasn’t going to take place.

But the instruction and the reason were sitting in the same paragraph, and I’d only ever attached the reason to the party.

You need to know how much people love and appreciate and care for you.

I did come to know that. Thoroughly. In detail, over months, one text, one email, and one phone call at a time.

Canceling a party wasn’t the delivery method I had in mind.

He Says What It’s For

When God humbles people in the Bible, He tends to say what it’s for. Moses tells Israel to remember how the LORD led them forty years in the wilderness, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart (Deuteronomy 8:2).

To know what was in their heart. Not to publish it. Not to settle anything.

And Peter attaches a promise at the end. Humble yourselves under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.

People’s version of humbling has no lifting clause. That’s the difference, and it’s the whole difference. Humiliation ends where it ends, because leaving you there was the point.

Whatever God is doing when He humbles somebody, He’s already said how it finishes.

What You Might Do

If you’re braced for something, write down what you’re actually expecting. Not the vague dread — the specific scene. Who says what. Who stops calling.

Then set it against what has happened so far. My imagination had a great many people leaving in it. The real thing had almost nobody leaving and a lot of people reaching out.

And if someone tells you they love you and you catch yourself scanning for what’s behind it, try saying thank you and letting it sit there uninterpreted.

God said He would humble me, personally and professionally, in a good way.

He did exactly that.

I spent a year flinching at a sword that was in my own hand.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that when You make us small, You do it on purpose, and You’ve told us what the purpose is. Thank You that You don’t diminish someone just for the sake of diminishing them. Lord, for those of us who have been braced for collapse — waiting for the drop, reading kindness as a warning — would You take the sword off our heads and show us what’s actually in our hands? Where You are tenderizing us, help us to stop calling it shredding. And where people are trying to tell us that they love us, give us the humility to sit still and receive it, which is harder than it sounds. Thank You that You lift up in due time, and that You said so plainly. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Deuteronomy 8:2-5 and 1 Peter 5:6. In each passage, what reason is given for the humbling, and what is promised at the end of it? How is that different from being humiliated by a person?

2. Is there a word or a warning you received that you read through fear? Read it again. Is there a second half you skipped?

3. Where has kindness made you suspicious this year? What did you assume was behind it?

4. Write out the scene you’ve been dreading, in detail. Then write what has actually happened so far. Where do the two differ most?

Chapter 8: A Higher Standard Than God’s?

“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel (Malachi 2:16).

Years ago I wrote a book called 15 Tips for a Stronger Marriage. Tip number four was this:

Never use the “D” word: Divorce. If you’re committed to marriage for life, never use the word “divorce,” especially as a threat. Some people hold onto that option and use it as a weapon in an argument.

If you’re struggling in your marriage, keep your hearts soft and tender by looking for other ways to deal with your problems, whether you look to God, the Bible, prayer, counselors, friends or perhaps even time away. But not divorce.

I meant every word of it. I still think most of it is right.

What I want to tell you is what happened when I sat down and checked it against the Bible after she left.

What I Found on the Legal Pad

I sat down at my desk with my Bible, a legal pad, and an online concordance, and looked up every verse about divorce again.

Jesus allowed it under a strict exception, for sexual immorality (see Matthew 19:1-12).

Paul allowed it. If the unbeliever leaves, let them go. You are not bound (1 Corinthians 7:8-16).

Moses allowed it, if a certificate was written. Jesus said it was because of hardened hearts. (see Deuteronomy 24:1-4 and Matthew 19:8-9).

Sharon showed me another one I had overlooked. God said Himself that He divorced Israel.

“I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries” (Jeremiah 3:8).

Wow. God divorced Israel?

He gave a certificate of divorce. He sent her away. He didn’t separate, didn’t take a break, didn’t move into the guest room. He divorced her.

Yet when I counseled people, I had been telling them to never even say the word.

My standard for marriage was higher than Jesus’s. Higher than Paul’s. Higher than Moses’s. And higher than God’s.

It wasn’t a high view of marriage. It was my view of marriage, wearing God’s clothes.

What I Handed People

From my earliest days as a Christian I believed God could do anything. That included putting a marriage back together after every person involved had already quit.

I’d watched it happen. I’ve prayed with couples who were finished — some already divorced, some who had ended it over the things the Bible names, adultery among them — and I have watched those same people come back together and build something fruitful out of the wreckage. I’ve seen divorced couples remarry each other.

So I took that as my instruction. Never agree that a marriage is over. Never be the one who stops asking.

That’s what went into my books. That’s what I said in living rooms and on the phone and from a platform. If God can do anything, then He can do this one, so don’t quit. Sometimes it worked out. Sometimes it didn’t. I held the standard either way.

I never quoted Malachi at anybody to shame them. I did something gentler and, in a few cases, worse. I told people not to stop hoping, and I kept them hoping well past the point where hope was the thing they needed.

In some of those cases what I handed a person wasn’t hope at all. It was a delay.

I delayed paperwork. I may have delayed a divorce, but it’s hard to know because divorce starts in the heart, and sometimes that was years before anybody called me. What I extended was the season where a person gets up every morning to resuscitate somebody already gone, and blames themselves at night for failing at it.

Some of them needed permission. I gave them homework.

And one of them said something that stopped me in my tracks. After hearing all that she had been through in her marriage, I told her I was so sorry. And finished by saying, “But I’m still praying that somehow God will help you get back together.” She was furious. She said that was like praying she would have to go back into a cage that she was finally getting free from.

I told her I didn’t want that for her either and asked what she wanted me to pray for her. She said, “Pray that I’ll still be able to love him, regardless of how this works out in our marriage. That’s the hardest part for me right now.”

That’s a prayer I could get behind, and it was kinder than what I had offered.

And it’s the prayer I prayed when my own marriage ended.

I had to go back through years of my own counsel, my own preaching, my own books, and ask how much of it was Scripture and how much of it was Eric. And then I had to hold my own rule up against my own marriage, which turns out to be a different experience than holding it up against somebody else’s.

Then I Called Them

After my marriage ended, I reached out to four or five of the couples I’d counseled years back. Some had remarried each other. Some had gone through with the divorce.

I wasn’t calling for reassurance. I was calling because I thought I might owe somebody an apology.

They said they appreciated the call, but none of them would take it.

Each of them said some version of the same thing. The high standard was the part that helped. In the months when everybody around them had closed the file — and they had closed it themselves — I was the one still holding the door open, and it mattered that somebody was.

Nobody berated me. Not the ones who made it, and not the ones who didn’t.

That isn’t an acquittal and I won’t use it as one. Their kindness on the phone doesn’t tell me my counsel was sound. It tells me they’re gracious people.

But it does say something true. God can use what a person knows at the time. He doesn’t wait until we’ve got everything right before He’ll work with what we’ve got.

Nearly forty years of it wasn’t wasted. It was incomplete, and I’d been defending the incomplete part the hardest.

A high standard gave those people hope. A standard higher than God’s is the thing I couldn’t see. Those are two different objects, and the phone calls didn’t merge them.

What’s changed isn’t that I’d stop offering hope. It’s that I have a second sentence now, and I never used to have it: and if it doesn’t come back together, you haven’t sinned by admitting so, and God is not standing far away from you across the room.

There are one or two of those old conversations I’d hold differently today. Where I get the chance, I intend to say so out loud to the person who sat through the first version.

What She Said

I brought all of it to Sharon.

She’d heard the question before. She said people had been putting it to her for years, and this is what she tells them.

“God hates divorce, but I don’t see anywhere where God hates divorced people.”

He divorced Israel, she said — same word, every language, whether people want to admit it or not. And the reason He hates it is because of what it does to people. The pain. What it costs them.

Divorce is a thing that happens. A divorced person is a person.

God hates cancer. But that doesn’t mean He hates the patient.

He hates it because of what it does to people. Which puts Him on the same side of it as the person it happened to.

The Filing Is Not the Death

Sharon said none of us really know who divorced who. Divorce starts in the heart, she said, long before anybody files anything. And no one knows what’s in people’s hearts, sometimes even our own.

When somebody says we’re getting divorced, they often got divorced in their heart a long time ago. They’re just finally doing something about it.

Then she took me to Paul: “But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or sister is not bound” (1 Corinthians 7:15). Obey the laws of the land. If it reaches a point where you can’t live with that person, do it legally.

She said people take that verse and hold it over people’s heads.

A death certificate is not the cause of death. It’s a document that says out loud what already happened.

If Somebody Has Quoted It at You

Let me suggest one thing, and it’s small.

Take the verse that’s been used on you — the one somebody said in a small group, or in a letter, or across a table at a restaurant. Write it out by hand on a piece of paper.

Then underline every word in it that names an act, and circle every word that names a person.

Do it slowly. Then read the whole chapter that verse lives in, out loud, and find the reason God gives for hating whatever He says He hates.

In Malachi, the reason is what it does to people who get discarded. Read the verses around it and you’ll find Him furious on behalf of the one who was discarded, not the institution.

That’s not a loophole. It’s the point.

And if you’ve been the one giving the counsel — if you’ve sat across from somebody and told them to keep trying — do the same exercise with the verses you’ve been handing out. Write down what each one actually permits, and to whom, and why.

I still think most of those fifteen tips were right.

The fourth one had a word in it that God Himself has used.

God hates divorce, and for good reason. So do I.

He wrote the certificate anyway.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You know the difference between what we’ve been through and who we are, even when we’ve lost track of it ourselves. Thank You that You hate what this has cost us, and that You’re not indifferent to it. Lord, we confess that some of what we’ve been certain about, we never got from You. We built it, we called it faithfulness, and we handed it to people who were already on the ground. Forgive us for that, and undo whatever damage we did with it. Show us what You said and why You said it — not what we were taught, and not what we assumed. And where somebody has been standing in a doorway You left open, would You move them out of the way, even if the somebody is us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Jeremiah 3:1-8. What does God do, and what word does He use for it? 

2. How does that sit next to Malachi 2:16?

3. Read Matthew 19:3-9, Deuteronomy 24:1-4, and 1 Corinthians 7:12-16. What does each passage permit, in what circumstance, and what reason is given?

4. Is there a standard you hold that’s stricter than what Scripture actually says? Where did you get it, and who has been living underneath it?Chapter 9: Don’t Let Your Demeanor Do the Talking

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” (Ephesians 6:13).

Some months into all of this I had to go and ask people for money.

Not for me. For the work — a Christmas show we take into different cities, about two thousand dollars a city, and a film I’ve been trying to raise a hundred thousand for. I’d committed to two new cities by the end of the year. The people running it wanted five.

And I had stopped. I’d stopped editing the video I needed to show other theaters, and I’d stopped asking, and I’d stopped booking, for months.

So I asked for half an hour to present to the group. What I was working on, what I’d been derailed from, where it stood.

Nobody funds a man who is finished. That’s not cynicism about donors — it’s just true, and it’s true for good reasons. People give to something going somewhere.

I had to walk into that room and not be a man who was finished, on a morning when finished was the most accurate word available for how I felt.

What I said, and I remember saying it, was: I feel like I can stand up straight. I’ve got my shoulders back, and I’m ready to go.

I had learned that sentence from Sharon a few months earlier.

Impending Doom

What I’d said to her, more than once, was that I felt impending doom.

Not about anything specific. A weather system. The sense that something was coming and that everybody could see it on me.

And I told her I was going to be so embarrassed.

She didn’t argue with the feeling. She went somewhere I did not expect.

“Remember, the enemy is not omniscient. Keep reminding yourself he’s not omniscient. He has no idea what I’m thinking.”

He Knows You by Three Things

Then she gave me the framework.

“He knows me by three things. How you act. How you react. And the things that you say.”

That’s not mind reading. That’s surveillance. It’s an observer working from output only, with no access to the room where the decisions get made.

Which means everything he has on me, I handed him.

If the only intelligence available about my interior is what I broadcast, then my face, my posture, my tone on the phone, and the way I answer how are you are not incidental. They’re the transmission.

Omniscience is an attribute of God alone, not of any creature, and Satan is a creature. Scripture never depicts him reading minds. In Job he observes and infers.

A being with millennia of watching people can predict a man like me frighteningly well without reading a thought. Sharon’s own framework concedes this.

Both of those are true.

The first one means the dread I was carrying was not a report from someone who knows. It was a guess, dressed up as a verdict.

The second one keeps me from getting smug about it. A being who has watched a thousand men come apart in exactly the way I was coming apart does not need a confession to make a good guess.

Which leaves me with a smaller enemy than the one I had been picturing. Not a mind reader. An observer working from footage — and I have some say over what gets filmed.

“So no matter how we’re feeling,” she said, “hold your head up high. Don’t let your demeanor let the enemy know how you feel.”

Then: “That’s a hard thing to do. But I’m telling you, your healing speeds up. Everything speeds up. And you feel stronger, because you’re a warrior — whether you feel it or not.”

Which Is Not the Same as Pretending

I’m a man who believes in telling the truth about where I am. There’s a whole chapter later in this book about how badly I want to be authentic and how often I’ve done it fearfully.

So is this instruction telling me to walk around performing a strength I don’t have?

No. And the difference is who the audience is.

Being honest with God about how I feel — that stays. Being honest with the two or three people who have earned it — that stays. Sitting in front of a counselor and saying I feel impending doom — that is exactly what I should have been doing, and it’s why I had anything to work with.

What Sharon was talking about is a different audience entirely.

Declining to broadcast is not deception. My interior is not public information. There’s no obligation to publish it to a room, to a crowd, to an accuser, or to anyone who has already decided what my story means.

You can be completely truthful and still not be a running commentary.

Head Up, Door Open, Not Chasing

Sharon was carrying something of her own at the time — someone who had turned on her and would be telling his side of it to people they both knew.

I’m not going to tell her story here. What I can pass on is what she said she was going to do about it, because she said it to me as instruction.

She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her put down. She’d hold her head up when she saw him.

She’d tell him she was sorry it had gone the way it had, that she’d still pray for him, and that he still had her phone number — if he could talk rightly to her, she’d never turn down his call.

And then: But I am not going to chase you.

Head up. Door open. Not chasing.

And underneath all of it: I don’t care what he tells other people. People either know me or they don’t.

The people who know you will weigh what they hear against what they’ve got. The people who don’t know you were never going to be reached by your explanation anyway.

It’s a Practice, Not a Switch

None of this happened once and stayed fixed.

Months after that first conversation I was still telling Sharon about a general anxiousness sitting in my gut — that I kept having to put my shoulders back, over and over, saying okay, Eric, it’s all right, and still feeling it rise. I don’t like conflict. I never have.

That’s what the instruction actually looks like in a life. Not a transformation. A correction you make repeatedly, the way you’d correct a car drifting on a crowned road.

And I wasn’t only getting it from Sharon. That season, people I hadn’t spoken to in years started calling out of nowhere — one who said I’d been on his mind for two months and he didn’t know why, another who had already heard her side of it and called anyway.

They all said a version of the same thing. Stand up. Shoulders back. Keep going with what God called you to.

After You Have Done Everything

Paul lists the armor, and every piece of it is defensive except one. Belt, breastplate, shoes, shield, helmet — and a sword.

And then he says what it’s all for, four times in four verses. Take your stand. So that you may be able to stand your ground. And after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then.

Not to win. Not to advance. Not to feel victorious.

To still be standing there when it’s over.

It reads like a battle text. It’s an endurance text. The objective is that at the end of the day of evil, the man is still upright and still in the same place.

Which is also, as it happens, a description of demeanor. Standing is a posture before it’s an accomplishment.

What You Might Do

Pick the next situation where you’ll be seen — the meeting, the service, the aisle at the grocery store where you’ll run into someone who has heard something.

Decide two things before you go. What your face is doing. And the one sentence you’ll say if you’re asked.

Then keep the other thing intact. Find the person, or the counselor, or the hour in the morning where the whole unedited truth still gets said out loud, because a man who broadcasts nothing anywhere is not strong. He’s just alone.

And if somebody is telling their version of you around town, you can let them. The people who know you will hold it up against what they know of you. That’s what knowing somebody is for.

I didn’t feel like a warrior that year.

It turns out nobody asked me to feel like one.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You see all of it — the part we show and the part we can’t. Thank You that nothing about us is hidden from You, and that You don’t need us to perform for You. Lord, for those of us walking into rooms this week where people have already heard something, would You steady us? Let our heads come up. Give us one sentence to say and the sense to stop there. And keep us honest in the places where honesty belongs — with You, and with the few people who have earned it — so that standing up straight in public never becomes hiding. Thank You that after we have done everything, You have asked us only to still be standing. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Ephesians 6:10-18. How many times does Paul say the purpose is to stand? What does it change to read this as a passage about endurance rather than conquest?

2. Sharon said the enemy knows us by how we act, how we react, and what we say. Over the last week, what have those three been broadcasting?

3. “People either know me or they don’t.” Who actually knows you? What does that suggest about how much energy the rest deserve?

4. Where is the place you tell the whole truth out loud? If you don’t have one, who could it be — and what would it take to ask them this month?

Chapter 10: “How Could That Happen to Eric?”

“Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:13).

At the polling place on election day, a woman I know casually came over to say hello. She’s about eighty. Lovely person. A Facebook friend rather than a close one.

She said, “Oh, I heard you got married. I’m so glad for you.”

I said, “Actually, it didn’t work out.”

She was stunned. And then she said, “But you’re such a nice guy.”

I said something. I don’t remember what.

What I do remember is the next four seconds, because I’ve had them a hundred times since.

I am a nice guy.

Then: are you changing your opinion of me?

Then: “But you were such a nice guy.” Past tense. Which she hadn’t said. I supplied that myself, in under a second, standing in a fire hall holding a ballot.

Then I went the other way and started putting myself down. I guess I’m not that nice.

And then I caught that too. That’s not nice either. That’s not fair.

Four seconds. A kind woman had said something kind, and I’d run it through a machine that turned it into an accusation and then turned the accusation on myself for good measure.

The Other Ones

They kept coming that season, and they all had the same shape.

A friend and supporter of the ministry called and said he couldn’t fathom it. It just looked like God was so in it. We were so happy for you.

And a couple I’d married years ago — I performed their wedding, they’re my own kids’ age. One of them said something to someone, who then said it to me: Eric Elder divorced. How can that even happen? How can that even be possible?

They weren’t condemning me. I knew that even then. I’d counseled them, walked them through their own difficulties, written the book on marriage that they’d read.

I said to Sharon: the word divorce isn’t in my vocabulary.

Then I heard myself and added: I mean, it is now.

What She Said

“As hard as it is to look at — that is a compliment for you.”

I said I hadn’t thought of that.

She went on. “How could that happen to Eric? They’re looking at all the value that you have and the people that you’ve helped. And they mean it in a way that they feel so bad about it. How could it possibly happen to a good man like that?”

I told her she was only saying it because she’s my friend.

Then I said: no. I believe you, actually.

She said, “You know I’m bold and honest.”

Read the Sentence Again

How could that happen to Eric?

The preposition is the whole thing. To. I’m the object of that sentence, not the subject.

Nobody was asking how a man like me could do such a thing. They were asking how a thing like that could land on a man like me.

Those are different sentences. They sound almost identical out loud, especially at a polling place, especially when the man hearing them has already convened a court.

And a compliment is exactly what it is, though it arrives in the worst possible packaging. Their surprise is a measurement. It’s the distance between what they’d watched me be for thirty years and what had just happened. The bigger their shock, the higher their estimate of me. It hadn’t occurred to me to run it that way.

The Jacket

Sharon told me about a women’s seminar she did years ago in Aurora. She could see it in the room — women who had a hard time taking a compliment.

Somebody had complimented her jacket earlier, so she used herself as the demonstration. She said: you like my new jacket?

And answered herself. It’s not new. It’s twenty years old. And see this rip here?

That’s what we do, she told them. Somebody hands us something good and we immediately produce the receipt showing what’s wrong with it.

I’d done it in the fire hall without breaking stride. You’re such a nice guy came in, and I had the rip located and pointed out before the woman had finished her sentence.

I do it with my car too. Somebody says they like it and I tell them it’s twenty years old and it was a really good deal.

Sharon’s instruction was five words. I appreciate that,  thank you. And then: keep it simple.

The Lunch

A harder one to sort out came from a friend who’s led worship for years, someone I’ve worked with and admire. I saw him for lunch on my way through his town.

He was shocked, like everybody. And he handled it beautifully. He said I didn’t have to tell him anything. He said he didn’t need to hear the details of who did what and who said what — he just cared about me and wanted to know how I was doing.

Then he said there was absolutely no judgment on his part. None.

And then, a few minutes later, he said: thank God you weren’t on staff at a church. You’d have been fired the next day for this.

It didn’t bother me in the moment. I took note of it, but we were just talking about everything.

I’ve turned it over a lot since, because those two things came out of the same mouth inside the same hour. No judgment, and you’d have been gone by morning.

The best I can make of it is that both were true and neither was about me.

He meant the first one. He wasn’t judging me.

And the second one wasn’t a verdict on my life — it was a report on an institution. It’s a man who has spent his career inside church employment saying out loud how thin the ice is under his own feet. Some of what sounds like condemnation is other people’s fear, said in your direction because you’re the one standing there.

That doesn’t make it painless to hear. It does mean I’d been reading a weather report as a sentencing.

Job’s Friends Got a Week Right

Job’s three friends heard what had happened and came from their own countries to be with him.

When they saw him from a distance they didn’t recognize him. They wept, they tore their robes, they threw dust in the air. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights, and nobody said a word, because they could see how great his suffering was.

Seven days of it right.

Then somebody opened his mouth, and the next thirty chapters are those same three men explaining Job’s disaster to him, with increasing confidence and decreasing accuracy, until God Himself turns up and tells them they haven’t spoken rightly.

The friends who wept for him and the friends who lectured him were the same men. Nothing changed except that they started talking.

That’s the lunch. That’s the polling place. That’s the phone call from the supporter who couldn’t fathom it. People who genuinely love you, sitting in the dust with you properly, and then offering you what they’ve got. Some of it lands. Some of it is clumsy. Nearly all of it is meant well.

The clumsiness doesn’t cancel the love, and it isn’t a reason for anyone to stay quiet. It just means the weighing is mine to do. I don’t have to swallow every explanation whole, and I don’t have to refuse the ones that are true.

What You Might Do

The next time somebody says something that lands wrong, try running the sentence back. Most of the time you’ll find the person was grieving at you, not prosecuting you.

And when somebody says something genuinely kind, practice taking it without producing the receipt. No it’s twenty years old. No see this rip. Just thank you, I appreciate that.

Nobody was asking how a man like me could do such a thing.

They were asking how a thing like that could happen to a man like me.

I’d only ever heard one of those sentences.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You for the people who are shocked on our behalf. Thank You that their surprise is a kind of testimony, even when it lands on us like an accusation. Lord, for those of us who have built a machine that turns every kind word into evidence against us — would You take it apart? Slow us down long enough to hear what was actually said. Give us the grace to receive a compliment without immediately handing back the receipt. And where people who love us reach for an explanation they don’t have, help us to keep the love and forgive the explaining, the way You did with Job’s friends. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Job 2:11-13, then look at what happens in chapter 4 when Eliphaz starts talking. What changed between those two moments? What were the friends doing right for seven days?

2. Think of a comment that stung this year. Write down the exact words. Read them again slowly. Is that person prosecuting you, or grieving?

3. Sharon’s jacket: what’s your version of “it’s twenty years old, see this rip”? What do you say when someone compliments you?

4. Who has said something clumsy to you that was meant as love? What would it take to keep the love and let the clumsiness go?

Chapter 11: The Life Preserver With No Hole In It

“Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart” (Proverbs 25:20).

The email began, I hope you’re sitting down for this.

It came from a friend I’ve had for decades. She was part of my spiritual life before I had my own footing in it — she’s the one who told me I ought to be baptized, now that I had put my faith in Christ. She knew Lana. She has prayed with me through more things than I can count.

And what she wrote was that if I ever went a different direction on a moral commitment I’ve made about my own sexual integrity, she would support me completely.

She meant it as the kindest thing she could offer me. Like offering a soothing drink to an alcoholic. On the surface it looked like love, but underneath, it absolutely crushed me.

Not because she’d said something cruel. Because of what she must have truly believed for her to say it at all. That after all these years, after everything she’d watched, she didn’t believe the change in me was real or necessary.

She’d read my books. She’d lived a lot of it alongside me. She had seen the transformation up close, over years, and here in writing was the news that she’d been holding a different account of me the whole time.

She was about the tenth.

Ten close friends, over the years, people who have known me a long time, who have moved on that subject and now come at it from the other side. Warm about it. Generous. Certain they’re being loving.

She was the last of the ten and by far the worst, because of who she is to me.

And I need to be fair about them, all ten, because it’s the thing that makes this chapter hard rather than simple. Not one of them was trying to betray me. Every single one thought they were doing me good. When I finally said something to her about it, what she said back was: I don’t mean any of that. I just want to say I’m supporting you. I love you, and I’ll support you, whatever you decide.

They were being kind at me with everything they had.

What Sharon Said

She’d heard an analogy years before at a conference she and Chuck were part of, from a preacher up front, and she said she never forgot it. The whole room reacted when he said it.

When somebody has all the answers for you — and a lot of the answers are good ones — you can filter them out. That’s fine. That’s most of us.

But if they can’t be filtered out, if they keep coming, then it’s like this. They see you drowning. So they throw you a life preserver.

And it hasn’t got a hole in it.

There’s no opening for your head to come up through. They’re throwing it hard, and they’re throwing it again, and every time it lands on you it pushes you further under.

And they think they’re doing good.

“They really, truly, in their heart, think they’re doing the right thing,” Sharon said. “And they are totally wrong. What they’re doing is making things worse. They’re hurting you.”

Then: “So you really have to set your limits.”

Why It Won’t Land

I asked why someone would keep doing this after being told it isn’t helping.

Sharon’s answer was that the problem is in their minds, not in the message. They believe they know you better than you know yourself. They think they’re saving you — bringing you up out of something — when what they’re actually doing is pressing down on the top of your head.

That’s why the ordinary approach fails. Explaining doesn’t work, because they’ve already accounted for your explanation. If you say you’re fine, that’s what a man who isn’t fine would say. If you say you’ve thought about it, that’s what a man who hasn’t would say. There’s no statement available to you that comes out the other side intact.

You cannot reason with someone who has decided that your disagreement is a symptom.

The Trap

I said to Sharon that this is exactly what has happened to me in multiple situations with multiple people.

If I push back — if I put my hand up and say stop — it looks like I’ve been caught. They’ll think they’ve hit a nerve. Well, obviously this is a problem for Eric, look at the reaction I got. And then the reaction becomes the evidence.

I told Sharon I didn’t know how to say it without it turning back on me. Without somebody deciding: no wonder his marriage ended, look how he responds to his own friends.

Sharon said something, repeatedly.

“The issue is theirs. The issue is theirs.”

And later, in case I’d missed it: “The issue here, Eric, is not yours. It’s theirs.”

What to Actually Say

Then she told me what I can actually say instead, without raising the temperature.

I don’t have an issue with this in my life. It’s a non-issue for me. But it seems like you have an issue with my not receiving it back into my life. Why is that?

It doesn’t argue the conviction. It doesn’t defend anything. It observes, out loud and pleasantly, that only one person in the conversation is agitated, and it isn’t the one being pressed.

Sharon also told me what to do when the reply comes back beginning with but.

Say no. Again. And ask again: why are you doing this when I’m telling you no?

“Some arguments of the heart or the head,” she said, “you have to treat like children. You go over and over and over, until they listen to you instead of impose on you.”

The Friend Who Meant It Best

Peter had just been told he was blessed, that flesh and blood hadn’t revealed it to him, that on this rock the church would be built. It’s the high-water mark of his life so far.

Minutes later Jesus starts explaining that He’s going to Jerusalem to suffer and be killed.

And Peter takes Him aside, privately, the way a good friend does it, and says: Never, Lord! This shall never happen to You!

That’s love. There’s nothing else in it. Peter is not scheming. He has just heard that the man he adores is walking toward his own death and he is trying, with everything in him, to prevent it.

The answer he gets is a strongly worded no. Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.

The rebuke isn’t for malice. It’s for a well-meant hand on the arm, pulling in the wrong direction.

You can say a hard no to someone who loves you, whose motives are entirely good, without that no being a failure of the friendship. Peter stayed. He was there at the end and after the end. The no did not cost Jesus the man.

What You Might Do

If there’s someone throwing you a preserver with no hole in it, you can stop trying to change their mind about you. That was never on offer.

Decide your sentence before the next conversation, and keep it short. I don’t have an issue with this. But it seems like you have an issue with my not doing what you’d like. Why is that?

Then hold it. When the but arrives, say no again. Not louder, just again. People who impose have usually never been outlasted.

And separate the two things that come tangled together, because they are separable. Their motive can be pure and their effect can be drowning you. You don’t have to choose one of those to believe.

Ten preservers, over the years, thrown by people who love me.

Not one of them had a hole in it.

I’m still swimming.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You for the people who love us badly and love us anyway. Thank You that You know the difference between a motive and an effect, even when we can’t hold both at once. Lord, for those of us being pressed by someone certain they know us better than we know ourselves — give us a short sentence and the steadiness to say it again. Take away our need to be understood by everybody before we can be at peace. Where a friend has hurt us while meaning well, help us to keep the friend. And where we ourselves have thrown something heavy at somebody who was already going under, forgive us, and teach us to ask before we throw. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Matthew 16:15-23. What had Peter just been commended for, and what does he say a few verses later? What does it tell you that the rebuke was aimed at good intentions?

2. Who in your life is certain they know what you need? What happens when you disagree with them — does your disagreement get treated as information, or as a symptom?

3. Write your one sentence. Not an argument, just an observation about who in the conversation is actually troubled. Say it out loud until it sounds calm.

4. Where have you been the one throwing? Is there someone you’ve been helping past the point where they asked you to stop?

Chapter 12: Know What You’re Going to Say Before You Say It

“Out of His mouth came a sharp, double-edged sword… When I saw Him, I fell at His feet as though dead. Then He placed His right hand on me and said: ‘Do not be afraid’” (Revelation 1:16-17).

There’s an old story about a courtier named Damocles who told his king how enviable his life must be. The king offered to trade places for a day.

So Damocles took the throne, and the feast was laid out, and everything was exactly as splendid as he’d imagined. Then he looked up.

There was a sword hanging over the chair, point down, suspended by a single hair.

Nobody else at the table could see it, except the king, who told him he sees it every moment — the threats to the kingdom that are there every day. Nothing about the food or the music or the servants had changed. But he couldn’t eat, and before the day was out he asked to go back to being who he’d been.

I have lived my whole life at that table.

Not over anything in particular. It’s a standing condition — the sense that something is suspended above me by a thread, and that it will drop the moment I stop managing it.

Two Corrections

That year, in a morning of praying and writing, I got a sentence I wrote down and kept.

Eric, the sword isn’t over your head. It’s in your hand. And you can use it.

There were things I needed to write.

Then, before a hard conversation with her a few days later, a second one.

Now lay your sword down. This is not a fight.

Both of those were about what to do with words. The thing I’d been afraid of and the thing I’d been given turned out to be the same object.

The Sentence Sharon Gave Me

Early on, I told Sharon about a phone call that had gone badly. I’d stayed in it long after it stopped doing anybody any good, and I came off it wrung out.

She listened to the whole account and then handed me one line to say if a conversation started going south again: Well, I think it’s time for me to leave.

I told her I was writing it down. There may be a moment I need to leave, and I hadn’t known there was a sentence for it.

That’s the smallest possible version of the discipline this chapter is about, and it’s the one I’d recommend anybody start with. You don’t have to win the conversation. You don’t have to be understood before you go. You need one neutral sentence that ends it, decided in advance, so you’re not composing under fire.

Her whole instruction is one line: know what you’re going to say before you say it.

And the reason, in her words: it’ll hit you twice as hard if you don’t have a plan.

That’s not about eloquence. It’s about load. The same words land differently on a man who chose them last week than on a man improvising them while his pulse is going.

The Letter

When I finally sent the divorce papers, I wrote what went with them first.

I had talked to my kids all through the Thursday. I made the decision Friday. And what I sent said this:

I love you very much. I care about you very much. I think about you all the time, and have since the day I met you. But the pain is more than I can carry. So I’m including papers for a joint dissolution of our marriage. I filled them out according to our agreement, and I’ve included a check to cover the fees. You can sign and date them on page fifteen and drop them off at the government center — only one person is needed to deliver them.

I believe this is the most loving thing I can do.

Every sentence of that was written down before it was sent. None of it was composed in the moment. 

It wasn’t a demand, it was a release. If she didn’t want to be with me, I wasn’t going to hold her to it.

I texted my friends that morning to say the papers were on their way. I used the same phrase with them. I believe this is the most loving thing I can do right now.

The Sword in the Mouth

Weeks went by. She hadn’t signed. She hadn’t spoken to me in about six weeks — she’d hung up on me, stopped taking my calls. She was shutting the door and keeping it shut.

One night around ten o’clock, tired, I was reading and asking God for something personal rather than something for anybody else. And I came to the passage in Revelation where John sees Jesus in a vision and there’s a sharp double-edged sword coming out of His mouth.

Then, immediately after: Do not be afraid. The version I was reading put it as do not yield to fear.

I have always thought that was a strange picture. That night I asked whether He was telling me the sword was also in my mouth. That I actually needed to speak to her.

What I was hearing alongside it was go for the heart.

And my honest reaction was that this couldn’t be right, because she wasn’t going to talk to me, and I wasn’t sure I could hold a conversation with her if she did. I also knew what a wise counselor would say. Don’t send a text. Don’t do this to yourself.

The next morning I woke up with the resolution to do it, and it was not complicated.

I could write down what I’m going to say. Do the script. Say that, and say only that.

So I texted and asked if she’d want to talk. To my surprise, she said yes. Twelve fifteen.

What I Actually Did

I wrote it out.

Three main points, circled, so I could find them if I lost my place. Then alternates branching off each one, because I didn’t know how she’d respond and I didn’t want to be inventing anything.

The hardest part of writing it was that I couldn’t script her side. So I stopped trying to address everything and got clear on the one thing I actually wanted: for her to sign the papers.

Then, on the call, I told her what I was doing.

I said I’d been going to text her, but I’d rather talk and hear her voice — and that I was going to read her what I’d written. Saying that out loud took the awkwardness out of it entirely. I wasn’t performing spontaneity. I was reading, and she knew I was reading.

This can’t be a surprise to you. Things couldn’t continue the way they were going. This is the most loving thing I can do right now, and it’s the most loving thing you can do for me.

She had texted me not long before about how much she loved me, so I said that too, and meant it. That I loved her very much. That I cared about her and thought about her all the time.

And then the line I was least sure about, which was in the script and which I nearly skipped: I think I’m going to be able to love you better from afar.

She said, that’s not the answer I was hoping for. But if that’s what you feel is best, then there’s nothing else I can do about it. 

I had spent seven months learning that words and calendars don’t always agree. When they disagree, believe the calendar.

I said I did believe it was best, for her and for me, for both our sakes, and that it was why I’d taken the action.

Twenty minutes. I didn’t deviate.

There were things she said in that call that I would have had to answer if we were still married. I didn’t have to answer them, and I sat on my hands, and the conversation ended better than any conversation we’d had in months.

She ended it by saying, “Thanks for doing this by calling and not just texting. I really appreciate it.”

There it was. The affirmation that it was time for the words to come out of my mouth, which is exactly what I’d considered in prayer the night before and would never have arrived at on my own. She hadn’t been taking my calls.

There’s a time and a place for everything. As Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, there’s a time to be silent and a time to speak.

Why Writing It Down Works

A pen does what a blade does. So does a sentence said out loud at twelve fifteen on a Saturday. Words go in deeper than most of what we’re afraid of, and they stay in longer.

That’s the argument for writing them first. Not because a script makes you cold. There’s nothing colder than a warm man improvising while frightened. It’s because something that goes in that deep deserves more thought than you’re capable of giving it mid-sentence.

And there’s a mercy in it that I didn’t expect. With the words decided in advance, I wasn’t spending the whole conversation composing. I was free to listen.

What You Might Do

Before the next hard conversation, write three things down.

The one outcome you actually want. Not all of them. One.

Your three main points, and nothing else. Circle them so you can find your place.

And your exit sentence, decided now. Well, I think it’s time for me to leave. It doesn’t have to be clever. It has to exist before you need it.

Then tell the person you’re reading it. That single move takes all the strangeness out of it, and it tells them that what you’re about to say was considered rather than fired off.

The sword was never hanging over my head by a thread.

It was in my hand the whole time. A tool, not a weapon. My words — and I could use them, whether written or spoken.

I wrote it down first.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You gave us words, and that You don’t treat them as small. Thank You that Your own Son is described with a sword coming out of His mouth, and that the first thing He said afterward was do not be afraid. Lord, for those of us facing a conversation we’ve been dreading — would You give us the sentences before we need them? Steady our hands long enough to write them down. Give us one clear thing to ask for. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Revelation 1:12-18. What comes out of His mouth, and what does He say to John immediately afterward? What does that pairing suggest about the weight of words?

2. Is there a conversation you’ve been putting off? Write down the one outcome you actually want from it — a single sentence, not a list.

3. What’s your exit line? Decide it now, while nothing is happening, and say it aloud until it sounds ordinary.

4. Think of a conversation that went badly. Were you composing while you were in it? What would you have said differently if you had written it down first?

Chapter 13: You Can Trust Your Honesty

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

Eventually I wrote three sentences and sent them out, one person at a time, by text, to nearly everybody I know.

Dear friends, I’m sorry to tell you that my wife and I have decided to cancel our celebrations this fall, and she won’t be moving here after all. I can chat more about it sometime, but right now I need some time to heal. I appreciate all your love and care, thoughts and prayers.

It took me months to get to those three sentences.

Look at what’s in there. The fact, stated clearly. No reason given. Nobody blamed. An open door for later, and a plain request for room right now.

And look at what isn’t in there. No explanation of who did what. No case. Nothing that requires the reader to take a position, and nothing I would have to keep straight in my head afterward.

I sent it individually rather than as a post, because these were the same people who’d been invited to a celebration, and it seemed to me that if they’d been invited one at a time they ought to be told one at a time.

Why I Wasn’t Talking

I had reasons, and they sounded good.

I didn’t want to be the man airing his marriage. I didn’t want anybody choosing sides. I had a ministry with thousands of people on the other end of it who I had told I got married, and I couldn’t think of a way to tell them that didn’t feel like dredging up the details.

So I said nothing, or nearly nothing. We’re going through a rough patch. That was my line for months.

And in the silence, a version of me went out into the world without me.

Somebody I met casually a couple times wrote publicly that I was a crybaby. His point, as best I could follow it, was that if I thought heart surgery and losing my first wife were hard, I ought to try going to Vietnam and watching a friend’s face get blown off.

The strange part wasn’t the cruelty. It was how far off the facts he was, and how confidently. I’m not crying about Lana. I’m not crying about the heart surgery. I made my peace with both of those a long time ago, in public, in books people can read.

He’d been handed a version of me and was responding to it faithfully. He just had the wrong man.

And the only reason a wrong version was circulating unopposed is that I hadn’t said anything.

And my friends had backed me up on it. Their counsel at first was to wait — wait until you’ve had more time to heal, and then you can start telling people.

Then it changed.

They came back and said I needed to start now. Because people were trusting her based on my trust in her, and they didn’t know anything had changed, and that wasn’t fair to my friends.

I had been thinking of my silence as a kindness I was extending. Nobody had suggested to me that it might be something I was doing to people rather than for them.

What She Said

I brought the whole tangle to Sharon. How do I tell people. How much. When.

She said, “Don’t be afraid to be that honest with the people you know. You can trust your honesty.”

I asked her to say it again.

She said it again. “Be honest, because you can trust your honesty.”

I told her I was writing it down, and I did.

Her words helped take the whole problem apart. I’d been treating honesty as something risky that needed managing — a substance to be measured out carefully in case it did damage. She was telling me it was the one thing in the situation I could actually rely on.

Don’t Make Excuses

Then she said the part that named what I’d actually been doing.

“If you try to make excuses for her, or for the situation, that’s not healthy for you.”

That’s what my rough-patch line was. Not discretion. An excuse, constructed on the spot, every time, in slightly different words depending on who was asking.

And it was a second job. Every conversation required me to build something, remember what I’d built, and keep it consistent with what I’d told the last person. I was tired all the time that year and I attributed all of it to grief.

Some of it was grief. Some of it was maintenance.

The honest sentence takes about ninety seconds and requires nothing afterward. There’s nothing to remember, because you didn’t make anything up.

Sharon’s version was two moves. Let the first part come out. Then, if you feel they can handle it, or that you can trust them, you tell them the second part.

Two parts. Not one long confession and not a wall.

What Happens When You Do It

Something I did not anticipate: my honesty released other people’s.

The moment I started telling friends what was actually going on, they started telling me things they’d been carrying for months and hadn’t known what to do with. Concerns they’d had. Things they’d noticed and said nothing about, because I seemed happy and who wants to be the one.

Sharon had told me this would happen. She said I’d be surprised how many people had had concerns.

I sat there apologizing to them, which was its own odd experience. I’m sorry. I really didn’t know it had been hard on you too.

That’s what she meant about it setting them free. My silence hadn’t only left me isolated with it. It had left everyone who loves me holding their own private version, alone, unable to compare notes with anybody, including me.

And I felt lighter. Not relieved because it was easy. Lighter because there was nothing left to keep up.

Members of One Body

Paul tells the Ephesians to put off falsehood and speak truthfully to their neighbor, and then he gives a reason that isn’t the one you’d expect.

Not because lying is wrong, though it is. Not because you’ll be found out, though you will.

For we are all members of one body.

It’s an anatomical argument. A body works because information moves through it. If a nerve stops reporting pain, that isn’t discretion — the hand goes on resting on the stove.

That reframed my silence entirely. I’d been treating my situation as private information that belonged to me and that I was generously not burdening anybody with. Paul is saying the people around me are not an audience I’m protecting. They’re the body I’m part of, and they were trying to function on bad information because I wouldn’t send a signal.

What You Might Do

Say the true sentence once this week, to one person who has earned it.

Not the whole account. The first part. Something like: it didn’t work out, and it’s been one of the hardest year of my life. Then stop and see what they do with it.

Afterward, notice what you have to keep track of. The managed version needs maintenance forever. The true one doesn’t.

And if there’s a wrong version of you circulating, you can let go of correcting the strangers. You’ll never catch them. Tell the people who actually know you, and let them hold the accurate one.

The managed version had been taking me months.

The honest version was three sentences long.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You already know all of it. Nothing we’ve managed or left unsaid has ever changed what You see. Thank You that You made us members of one body, and that You meant the information to move. Lord, for those of us who have gone quiet — who have called it discretion when it was really fear — would You give us one honest sentence and one person to say it to? Take away the second job of keeping our stories straight. Where people have been carrying concerns about us in silence, let the truth set them free too. And where a wrong version of us is out there traveling without us, help us to stop chasing it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Ephesians 4:25. What reason does Paul give for speaking truthfully? How does the picture of one body change what your silence has been doing?

2. What’s your rough-patch line — the thing you say to keep a conversation moving? Write it down and read it back. What is it protecting, and who is it protecting?

3. How tired are you after a conversation where you gave the managed version, compared with one where you told the truth? What has that difference been costing you?

4. Name one person who has earned the first part. When will you tell them?Chapter 14: The Elevator Answer

“He plied Him with many questions, but Jesus gave him no answer” (Luke 23:9).

A friend of mine had been hopeful about my marriage.

He had started a relationship but was cautious about going forward. He’d watched me get married again late in life and taken it as evidence. If it could go right for me, at sixty, after everything, then the odds weren’t as grim as he’d feared.

Then he heard, and he asked me about it, and I said, “Let me think for a second how to respond.”

Out loud. To a friend. In the middle of a conversation.

What I finally said was that we all have different walks with God, and that whatever God was doing in his relationship was different from what He’d been doing in mine. That I was glad he’d been hopeful. That I still had a lot of hope for my own future.

All of that was true and none of it was an answer.

Then I stalled, because I had three things going at once and no way to hold all three.

I didn’t want to rehash the whole account out loud, or in my head, which is where rehashing it can do sometimes do the most damage.

I didn’t want him filling in the blanks himself, because I could only imagine the various things he might put in the blanks.

And I had no idea what he’d already heard, or from whom.

What She Said

Sharon has a name for the thing I needed. She called it the elevator answer — you’ve got a few floors, not an afternoon.

“Sometimes the easiest thing to do in that case, the elevator thing, is to use the we term.”

Then she suggested the wording.

We came to the realization that we were just not right for each other, and we have both learned a lot through this.

And then the reason: “If you use we, they won’t pry as hard.”

That’s not manipulation. It’s grammar doing work. She left me invites a follow-up question, because there’s obviously a story attached. I left her invites a different one. We closes the loop. There’s nowhere for a decent person to put their next question, so they say they’re sorry and ask how you’re holding up, which is the conversation you actually wanted.

Is “We” Honest?

I pushed back on this, because it matters.

I’d been going round and round in my own head about it. Did she divorce me, or did I divorce her? On paper it was a joint dissolution — if she signed the same document I signed, then it was a mutual decision, and I could honestly say we.

But I knew what I felt underneath, which was that she had left, and that I’d been the one who finally acted.

Sharon’s answer was what I gave you before, “Divorce starts in the heart.”

Long before anything is filed. Long before anyone announces anything. By the time there’s a document, the thing the document describes has already happened, usually in both people, usually over a long time.

What I said back was the truest version I have: she gave me the opening to finally do what I’d felt I needed to do eight months earlier. I should have stepped out then. I didn’t, because I wanted to work it out.

Sharon said, “That was fine. And that was right, in your case.”

So we holds up. It isn’t a softened version of the truth. It’s a shorter one.

The Three-Minute Version

Some people get more than the elevator. Not many, but some — and for them there’s a longer answer that still doesn’t require an autopsy.

Sharon’s thought for it was this: I really don’t want to speak against her, and I don’t want to go into details, but there were circumstances that didn’t surface right away. Once they surfaced, they became insurmountable.

Three things are happening in there.

It says something real. Circumstances existed. They were serious enough to end a marriage.

It declines, out loud, to make a case. I don’t want to speak against her is doing double duty — it protects her, and it tells the listener that pressing further would be asking me to do something I’ve just said I won’t.

And it explains the timing, which is the question people are actually chewing on. Not what happened so much as how did you not know. Things that don’t surface right away answers that without a single detail.

When They Won’t Let It Go

Then there’s the friend who has decided that what you need is to talk.

They mean it kindly. They may be right in general and wrong today. And they’ll press, because getting you to open up feels to them like the loving thing to do.

Sharon’s line for that one costs almost nothing to say.

You smile, and you say: I’m fine. I’m all talked out.

That’s it. It isn’t cold, it isn’t a rebuke, and there’s no argument in it. It also happens to be true most of the time — I’d usually just come from an hour of talking about exactly this with someone whose job it is.

He Didn’t Answer Herod

Jesus in front of Pilate answers the direct question. Are you the king of the Jews? He says so. Then the chief priests pile on with accusations and He says nothing at all, and Pilate is amazed.

Then Herod, who had wanted to meet Him for a long time and was hoping to see a miracle, questioned Him at length.

He plied Him with many questions, but Jesus gave him no answer.

Not one word. To a king. Who had the power to release Him.

I’m not putting my situation next to that one. What I take from it is narrower: the volume of questions doesn’t establish anyone’s right to answers. Herod asked a great many. He wasn’t owed a single reply, and the silence wasn’t dishonest.

Some questions are asked by people who need to know. Some are asked by people who want to watch.

What You Might Do

Write your elevator answer this week.

We came to the realization we weren’t right for each other, and we’ve both learned a lot. Use it, or write your own, but keep the we if you honestly can.

Then write the three-minute version for the handful of people who’ll get it. Something didn’t surface right away. When it did, it couldn’t be fixed. You’d rather not speak against anyone.

And keep one sentence in your pocket for the friend who won’t stop digging. I’m fine. I’m all talked out. Smile when you say it.

Most people are asking a two-floor question.

I kept answering as though we had the whole building.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that Your Son knew when to answer and when to say nothing, and that His silence was never a lie. Lord, for those of us who freeze when somebody asks — give us a short sentence we can say without flinching. Take away the feeling that we owe an account to everyone who asks for one. Help us protect the people who aren’t in the room to speak for themselves. And where somebody presses because they love us and don’t know what else to do, give us a kind way to close the door, and no guilt afterward for closing it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Luke 23:6-12 and Mark 15:1-5. When does Jesus answer, and when does He stay silent? What seems to determine which?

2. Write your elevator answer. Read it aloud three times. Does any part of it invite a follow-up question you don’t want?

3. Can you honestly say “we”? If not, what’s the shortest true sentence you can say instead?

4. Who in your life keeps pressing you to talk? What would it cost you to smile and say you’re all talked out — and what has it been costing you not to?Chapter 15: Not Everyone Gets the Whole Story

“But Jesus would not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all people” (John 2:24).

One of the best phone calls I got that year lasted about four minutes.

A friend called and said he wasn’t asking for details. He didn’t need to know what happened or who did what. He just wanted to know if I was okay.

That was the entire call. He asked his question, he listened to the answer, he told me he loved me, and he hung up.

He’d asked a question with its own limit built into it. I didn’t have to decide anything. I didn’t have to work out how much he could handle or what he’d do with it or who he’d tell. He’d done that work for me before he dialed.

I would have told that man anything.

The Other Kind

Then there are the calls where you can feel someone leaning in.

Nothing improper. Nothing you could point at. Just a series of questions, each slightly past the last, and a sense that the conversation isn’t finished until they have the whole thing.

Sharon has a word for what that is. She calls it sidling up.

Sidling up is approaching someone softly for their own gain.

And she said the same thing operates around a crisis, though what people want from that is harder to name. It isn’t money and it isn’t access.

“There’s always that one or two who want the details, so that they can feel they’re closer to you than somebody else. And so they slowly get closer and closer.”

Closer Than Somebody Else

Knowing the inside version means being on the inside. In a circle of people who all know that something happened, the one who knows what happened occupies a different position, and everybody can feel it, including them.

Sharon said it makes them feel they hold a privileged position — that they can come to you with things, or spot you looking sad, or follow you around waiting to be the one who comforts you.

I don’t think most people doing this are calculating. I think it feels like closeness from the inside. But the effect is that your worst year becomes a kind of currency, and you’re the one issuing it.

Counselor, Not Confidant

Then Sharon said a sentence about herself, which is why it landed.

“When they want to be your confidant — I’m your counselor. I’m not your confidant. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me.”

The woman I’d asked to counsel me was telling me she had no claim on all of it.

If she doesn’t have automatic rights to the whole story, nobody in my life does. Not my closest friends. Not people who’ve known me thirty years. Not people who love me and are worried and mean every bit of it.

You’ll Choke on It

Sharon gave me one more piece, and it’s about pace rather than about audience.

You can choke on your own subject, she said, if you take it in its fullness all at once and try to explain the whole thing. Because you can’t explain it. They didn’t walk your walk.

So do it slowly, and at intervals. Don’t feel you need to sit down at a table and make it the conversation for the night.

I’d been doing exactly that. Somebody would ask, and I’d feel the pressure to deliver a complete account in one sitting — beginning, middle, and end, in an order that made sense, with enough context that they’d understand. It sometimes exhausted me, and I’m not sure if people ever actually understood it any better for having the long version.

They didn’t walk your walk. They weren’t in your shoes.

So it is not your responsibility to make anybody feel better about your divorce. That’s Sharon’s, almost word for word. You’ve shown what mercy and grace you could, and that doesn’t stop the pain, and you are not obligated to spend what’s left of your strength managing other people’s feelings about your life.

He Didn’t Entrust Himself

Jesus is in Jerusalem at the Passover, doing signs, and many people believe in His name.

Then: But Jesus would not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all people. He did not need any testimony about mankind, for He knew what was in each person.

These aren’t opponents. They’re believers. They’re on His side, and He does not hand Himself over to them.

The same pattern runs all the way through. Crowds got parables. The twelve got the explanations. Three of them went up the mountain and into the garden.

Nobody has ever accused Jesus of being closed off or of failing to love the crowd. He fed them, healed them, wept over them, and died for them.

Graduated disclosure isn’t a modern coping technique. It’s how He conducted Himself.

What You Might Do

Sort the people in your life into three groups, on paper if it helps.

The few who get the whole thing — and it likely may be a very short list, maybe two or three names.

The larger group who get a real answer that isn’t the whole thing.

And everybody else, who get your elevator sentence and your genuine warmth, which is not a lesser gift.

Then give yourself two permissions. You can move somebody between groups. And you don’t have to explain to anybody which group they’re in.

If you’re the one asking, ask the way my friend did. Say out loud that you don’t need to know the details. Say you just want to know if they’re okay.

I don’t need to know everything.

That’s the man I’d have told anything.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You for the people who ask us how we are and mean only that. Thank You that Your own Son kept counsel — that He loved the crowd completely and confided in three, and that no one has ever called Him distant for it. Lord, for those of us who feel we owe an account to everyone who asks — would You take that weight off? Give us the discernment to know who is asking for us and who is asking for themselves, and the grace not to think badly of either one. Keep us from choking on our own story trying to explain what can’t be explained. And make us, when it’s our turn to ask, the kind of friend who says that we don’t need to know everything. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read John 2:23-25. Who are the people Jesus won’t entrust Himself to? What does it change to see that He withheld Himself from believers, not enemies?

2. Make the three lists. Who actually gets the whole story? Was that list built on purpose, or did people work their way onto it?

3. Has anyone been sidling up? What do you think they’re getting from the details — and can you name it without deciding they’re a bad person?

4. Think of the last time you gave someone the long version. How did you feel afterward, and did they understand it any better than they would have from three sentences?

Chapter 16: Be Issue-Minded and You’ll Ruin the Relationship

“Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me… Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company” (Genesis 13:8-9).

I told a friend that she had taken all my words away from me.

Every word I might have used to describe what happened had already been used about me first. So there was no vocabulary left that wouldn’t sound like a schoolyard.

If I said the situation had been hard on me, I was echoing. If I reached for any of the words that fit, I’d be handing anyone listening a reason to think I was just repeating what had been said about me, in the other direction, like a child.

I felt mute in a very specific way. Not that nobody would listen. That there was nothing left to say that would land as anything but tit for tat.

My friend’s answer was that I needed to speak the truth to myself, at least. That if I wasn’t even telling myself the truth, that was its own kind of lying.

So that’s where the truth went. Into my own head, and into a few rooms with the door shut, and nowhere else.

What I Wanted Instead

I wanted the record straight.

Not revenge. I want to be exact about that, because they’re different appetites and I know the difference. I didn’t want anybody punished. I wanted the facts, correctly ordered, understood by the relevant people.

I wanted the friends who’d heard one version to hear the other one. I wanted the ones who’d gone quiet to know why. I wanted, if I’m honest, one particular conversation with one particular person where the whole sequence finally got laid out and they said: oh. I see it now.

That conversation is imaginable in every situation like this, and it doesn’t happen often.

What She Said

Sharon has a line she’s been saying for years. She told me it’s her favorite thing she says, and she said a pastor once quoted it from the pulpit — someone very wise once said — while looking directly at her.

“If you’re going to be issue-minded, you’re going to ruin the relationship.”

And the mechanics underneath it: “You spend your life trying to convince their side to come to your side.”

It describes an activity with no end condition. There’s no point at which their side arrives on your side and the work is finished. You just keep spending.

She pointed out that it isn’t a divorce phenomenon. We all find ourselves being issue-minded in politics, or with family. We get so engrossed in the issue that we ruin the relationship, and then we still have the issue and no relationship.

They’re never going to know everything. They didn’t walk in the shoes, they didn’t live in the house. There is no way for somebody else to get hold of it — and all the trying does is get you thinking about it more, and more involved in it.

The record cannot be set straight. Not because people are unfair, but because a record like that doesn’t exist in a form that can be handed over.

What I Did Instead

When I finally had the conversation where I asked her to sign the papers, I’d written down what I wanted to say. One part of it had nothing to do with the divorce at all.

I had built her website. I ran her email through it. I’d helped get her videos uploaded and helped with the technical end of the book she wanted to publish. All of that was sitting in my hands, and it mattered a great deal to her.

So I said I’d like to be friends. That I’d like to keep helping her with the website and the videos and the book — either get them into her hands properly or find someone to take them over. That we were both called to ministry, that I didn’t think we could do it together, and that I’d still like to help.

And I said the honest limit out loud: if the rest of this was going to be a difficult process to wrap up, then that wouldn’t be possible.

I had no other motive in it. What I actually wanted was to be able to love her for the rest of my life, even if our relationship ended.

I did not want our last conversation to be an accusation and a hang-up. That was the alternative on offer, and it was the one we were headed for.

None of that set anything straight. She still has her version. Some people still have hers and not mine. I gave up the only thing I might have gained by arguing, which was being understood correctly by everybody.

What I got instead was the ability to think about her without my jaw tightening.

Abraham Had the Better Claim

Abraham and Lot were rich enough that the land couldn’t carry both of them, and their herdsmen started fighting.

Abraham had every right in that situation. He was the elder. He was the one God had made the promise to. Lot was there because Abraham had brought him. If the thing had gone to arbitration, Abraham wins on every count.

What he says is: Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are close relatives.

Then he gives away the choice. The whole land is in front of you. If you go left, I’ll go right. If you go right, I’ll go left.

Lot looks out over the well-watered plain, takes the best of it, and goes.

Abraham loses the argument he never had, and he does it on purpose, and he’s the one still standing there when God tells him to look north and south and east and west because all of it is his.

The “issue” was who had the better claim to the land. The relationship was his nephew. He picked the nephew, and he was right to, and it cost him something real at the time.

What You Might Do

Notice when you’re rehearsing. The imaginary conversation where they finally understand — you might catch yourself in it.

When you catch it, ask what the actual goal is. If the answer is for them to see it correctly, you can put it down, because that outcome isn’t purchasable at any price you can afford.

Then find the one thing you can still offer the person you’re estranged from, and offer it with whatever limit you honestly need. It doesn’t have to be large. It has to be real.

And keep telling yourself the truth, out loud, in private, even when you can’t say it anywhere else. Being unable to make your case in public is very different from having no case. Don’t lose track of the second one while you’re accepting the first.

I never did get the record straight.

I got to keep loving her instead.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You know the whole of it, in order, without anybody having to explain it to You. Thank You that You don’t need us to win an argument in order to be on our side. Lord, for those of us rehearsing a conversation that will never happen — would You let us set it down? Take away the appetite to be understood by everyone. Show us the one thing we can still offer to someone we’ve lost, and give us the courage to offer it with no strings on it. And where we can’t say the truth out loud to anybody, help us to keep telling it to ourselves and to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Genesis 13:5-18. What claim did Abraham have, and what did he do with it? What does he receive after Lot leaves?

2. Whose side are you trying to bring over to yours? What would it actually take, and is that available?

3. Describe the imaginary conversation you keep rehearsing. Who’s in it, and what do they finally say? What does writing it down do to it?

4. What’s one thing you could still offer the person you’re estranged from — with an honest limit attached? What has kept you from offering it?

Chapter 17: Hands Off the Wheel

“But when she could hide him no longer, she got a papyrus basket for him and coated it with tar and pitch. Then she placed the child in it and put it among the reeds along the bank of the Nile” (Exodus 2:3).

Something would come across my screen and I’d be running scenarios inside ten seconds.

Not deliberately. It was more like a machine starting up. If she says this, I’ll say that. If she does nothing, then in two weeks I’ll do this. If she calls, here’s how the first thirty seconds go. If it goes badly, here’s my line.

I could do an hour of that without noticing an hour had passed.

And every bit of it felt like diligence. Like preparation. Like a responsible man thinking ahead so as not to be caught flat-footed by a situation that had already caught him flat-footed before.

I described some of this to Sharon, expecting her to help me plan better.

She said, “I’ll be honest with you. All the scenarios you’re going to have in your head are simply keeping a tow line between you and her.”

I said, a tow line? Like on a boat?

“Yeah. You can’t get rid of it.”

She said I needed to unhook it.

“Unhook the tow line.”

What a Tow Line Is

A tow line isn’t a memory of a boat. It’s a working connection with tension in it, right now, doing something.

That’s what the scenarios were. Not thoughts about the past — active rope, maintained daily, keeping me at a fixed distance from a boat I had decided not to be in.

And it explains the thing I couldn’t account for, which is why all the planning didn’t always produce peace. It wasn’t supposed to. Every scenario I ran was a length of rope I was paying out and then hauling back in, and the whole exercise required her to stay in the water in front of me.

The Man Who Came Aboard

Sharon and Chuck took a cruise to Alaska, up through the fjords. Not a boat. A ship, thousands of people on it, and the channel between those walls is narrow.

They had drawn the captain’s table that trip. Everything here came from the man who had to give up the wheel.

She recounted the story about letting go of what we’re holding onto. In this case it was the wheel of a ship.

A small boat came alongside and a man climbed a rope ladder up the side of the hull. A local. Weathered, rough-looking, not somebody who looked to a passenger like he could bring a vessel that size through a bathtub.

By law he was the only person licensed to move a ship from one end of that water to the other. The only stretch in Alaska where that’s true.

So the captain had to hand him the wheel. For one hour, nobody else on that bridge was permitted to touch it.

Then the boat that brought him turned and went back the way it came.

Which is ordinary. It drops its man and leaves. But it does mean that for the next hour there was no sending him back, and no second opinion coming alongside.

An hour later he brought the ship through, jumped over the side, and waved to the passengers.

Nothing happened. That’s the whole point. No scraping, no shuddering, nobody’s drink sliding across a table. Thousands of people ate dinner through the narrowest water in Alaska and never knew the wheel had changed hands.

Only One of These Is Mine

Two things happen on that bridge, and only one of them belongs to the captain.

One is the passage. Reading water he has never read, at a speed and a distance no instrument on his ship will give him. He doesn’t get through the fjords by steering better. He gets through by not steering.

The other is his hands. That’s the entire job for that hour, and nobody on board can do it for him.

Mine was a rope rather than a wheel, but it came to the same thing. I held it, quietly, on my end, paying it out and hauling it back a hundred times a week.

And nobody else could let go of it. She couldn’t. Sharon couldn’t. It was tied off on my cleat, and the only hand that could reach the knot was mine.

Which is the useful part. Bringing the ship through the narrow water is God’s work, and I was never qualified for it. Letting go is mine.

The rope and the wheel are the same object anyway. Both of them are whatever my hands won’t leave.

Which means I wasn’t required to stop caring, or to decide she was a bad person, or to arrive at some emotional state where it stopped mattering. Nothing in that hour asks the captain to feel differently about the water.

He just has to take his hands off.

Was She Going to Be All Right?

One of the ropes I had the hardest time putting down had a question tied to the end of it.

Was she going to be all right?

I could say, and mean it, that I could love her better from a distance. That wasn’t where I got stuck. I got stuck on the idea that loving her from a distance still left me holding the job of knowing she’d land somewhere soft. Including financially.

When we got married, we had sat down and gone through everything each of us was bringing into it. Our kids were the ones who wanted it settled. Not because either of us had divorce anywhere in mind, because neither of us did, but because kids think about eventualities, whether death or divorce. So we talked it all the way through, we agreed out loud, and then we put it in writing: whatever each of us brought in would come back to that person, or to that person’s estate.

I was walking the country road by my house one day, praying, the first time the word divorce sat in my head as something that might really happen. I went through it item by item. What she came in with, what I came in with, retirement, years out.

And what came back to me was that she was going to be okay. Not okay eventually, in some way I would have to engineer. Okay under terms we had already written down and already called okay.

Then I looked at the grass beside the road.

Four-leaf clovers. Not one. Not two. A whole bunch of them.

I’ve found them here and there all my life, and they have a way of turning up at the hinges. Moses got a burning bush. I get clover.

I pressed them flat and mailed them to her. I didn’t explain much. Only that I’d been praying, that I believed God was trustworthy in this too, and that He would go on blessing her the way He always had.

That was the rope going over the side.

Not the money. The money had been decided and signed already. The rope was my needing to be the one who made certain — the standing assignment I had handed myself to personally verify her landing before I’d allow my hands off the wheel.

He could bring her through that passage. I was never licensed for that water.

She Put the Basket in the River

Pharaoh had ordered every Hebrew boy thrown into the Nile. A woman had a son and hid him for three months, and then she couldn’t hide him any longer.

So she built him a boat.

She got papyrus and coated it with tar and pitch, which is the part that gets read past. Before she let go of anything, she did the work that was hers to do. She made it hold water.

Then she carried him down to the same river the order had named and set him in the reeds.

Not a lesser danger. The exact danger. She put her son into the water that was supposed to kill him, because the alternative was holding him until somebody came and took him.

His sister stood at a distance and watched. She didn’t stop caring. She just stopped carrying.

And the person who lifted him out was Pharaoh’s daughter — the household that issued the order, the last hands anyone would have picked. She named him and raised him and paid his own mother to nurse him.

That’s the pilot coming over the rail.

What You Might Do

Name one rope. Not the feeling — the rope. The specific thing that has tension on it this week.

Then ask what you would have to know, or see, or be told, before you’d be willing to hand it over. Whatever that answer is, that may be the rope underneath the rope.

Mine was a question, and the answer came on a road with clover in the grass. It might not come that way for you. Ask it anyway.

And when you catch the machine starting up — if she says this, then I’ll say that — you can name it out loud. That’s rope. Two words. It’s remarkable how much of the hour it gives back.

The scenarios were never preparation.

They were rope.

I’ve been handing them over ever since, and I’m not finished.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that the narrow water is Yours and not ours. Thank You that You don’t ask us to steer a thing we were not built to steer, and that You do not require us to stop caring about somebody before You will take the wheel from our hands. Lord, for those of us still holding rope — still running conversations that will never happen, still braced for the next thing — would You show us where the lines are tied, and remind us that no one else can reach those knots for us? Give us the honesty to name them and the courage to hand them over one at a time, without shame for the ones still in our fists. Thank You that the people we let go of are not falling — they are landing in Your hands. Help us take our hands off the wheel and trust You to bring us through. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Exodus 2:1-10. What did the mother do before she let go, and what did she leave to God? Where is the line between those two in your own situation?

2. Name one rope — the specific thing, not the feeling, that keeps tension between you and the person you’re trying to release. What would you have to know before you’d be willing to hand it over?

3. Is there someone whose wellbeing you’ve quietly made your own standing assignment? What has God already provided for that person that you may not be counting?

4. Where might God be asking you to hand over the wheel? What makes that hard?Chapter 18: Fearfully Authentic

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe” (Proverbs 29:25).

We were sitting at the kitchen table eating Dove chocolates one morning, shortly after we got married.

I unwrapped mine, and before I looked at the little message printed inside the foil, I said something out loud that had been rolling around in my head for days. I told her I wanted us to be fearlessly authentic with each other. No hiding. No managing. No softening things up so they’d go down easier. Just tell each other the truth and trust that the truth could hold us.

Then I flattened out my wrapper and read it.

Be fearlessly authentic.

I turned it around and showed her. She laughed, grabbed a chocolate, unwrapped it, and read hers out loud.

Be fearlessly authentic.

We ate a third. Then a fourth. Same message each time.

We took a picture of all four wrappers lined up on the table. She said that was exactly the kind of marriage she wanted. I said it was exactly the kind I wanted, too.

I meant it. I really did. And for the next several months, I tried as hard as I could.

It went badly almost every single time.

What I Thought I Was Doing

She’d want me to come up for a holiday weekend with her family. I didn’t want to go. So I’d tell her the truth — but I’d tell it like a man walking across a frozen pond.

Well, let me think about that. I mean, I’d like to, it’s just that I’ve got a lot going on that week, and honestly I’m not sure how it would go, because the last time we were all together it felt like — and I’m not saying this is your fault — but it felt like there was some tension around your family, so I guess I’m wondering if it’s the best use of, you know, what I’m trying to say is…

By then I’d be four or five minutes in, and I’d have handed her about nine different things to argue with.

And she’d argue with them. Of course she would. I’d just laid out a buffet.

So then I’d back up. I’d clarify. I’d explain that I didn’t mean it that way. And every clarification would open up a new front. Pretty soon we weren’t talking about the weekend at all. We were talking about whether I’d said something six weeks ago, and whether I’d meant it, and what it revealed about me.

Afterwards I’d sit there feeling like a failure at the one thing I’d asked us both to do. I was honest, I’d think. I told her the truth, and it blew up anyway. So I guess honesty doesn’t work here.

And the next time, I’d hedge a little more. And the time after that, a little more.

What I Was Actually Doing

I didn’t see it until more than a year later, when I finally sat down and wrote out everything that had happened between us.

I was going through it hour by hour, conversation by conversation, and somewhere in the middle of it I stopped and put my pen down.

I wasn’t fearlessly authentic.

I was fearfully authentic.

I was telling the truth — that part was real — but I was doing it soaked in fear. Every sentence came out of my mouth wrapped in three layers of padding, because I was already bracing for what she’d do with it. The content was never the problem.

I know that because there were a handful of times I got it right, and I had no idea how.

One of those times, near the end, she asked about a holiday weekend again. And for whatever reason — maybe I was too tired to be afraid — I just said it.

“No, that weekend won’t work for me. Let’s plan on the Monday after.”

That was it. No preamble, no reasons, no apology, no anxious little laugh at the end.

And she said okay.

She was completely fine. It didn’t even register as a conflict. The exact same information that had blown up a marriage’s worth of conversations went across the table in nine seconds and landed like a grocery list.

Same truth. Same person. Same scenario. The only thing that changed was that I said it once and let it sit there.

Why Fear Ruins a True Sentence

When I was afraid of her reaction, I over-explained. I was trying to build a case airtight enough that she couldn’t possibly be upset, so I kept adding reasons.

Every reason I added was a door.

I’d say, “I can’t come because I’m busy that week.” Now she could prove I wasn’t that busy. So I’d add, “…and it seems tense with your family.” Now I’d accused her family. Now there was a whole new argument, and it was a worse one.

I was trying to make the sentence safer. What I actually did was hand over the ammunition.

Then when the argument came, I read it as proof that honesty was dangerous — when the honesty was never the problem. The fear was. Fear made me say nine things when one would have done it.

Fear is a terrible editor.

He Gave Back Every Coin

There’s a servant in one of Jesus’ stories who buried the money his master left him. When the master came back and asked for an accounting, the servant handed it over and explained himself:

“So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you” (Matthew 25:25).

He wasn’t a thief. He gave back exactly what he’d been given. Every coin. He was honest.

But look at what he says first. I was afraid. That’s the whole story. Fear ran the whole thing, and the master never disputes a single number.

I read that now and I think: that’s me at the kitchen table. Handing over the truth with both hands shaking, and wondering why it didn’t go well.

It Wasn’t Just My Marriage

Once I saw it, I couldn’t stop seeing it.

Remember the woman in the hospital billing office? I was right — they eventually took it off — but I explained it to her five separate times, getting a little more wound up each round, until finally my voice went up and my hands were shaking and I basically demanded it. She fixed it. And I hung up and sat there feeling like the villain, over four hundred dollars, when all I’d needed to say the first time was: “The doctor wasn’t there. I’m not able to pay for a visit that didn’t happen.”

And remember the banker. I went in for that loan feeling like a beggar. Head down, apologizing before I’d even sat down. And it turned out when I first applied for the loan, he told me he had pinned my credit report up on his wall — because it was the highest score he’d ever seen come through that branch.

I had walked in there certain he held all the cards. He didn’t. He works on the interest. I could hire him or fire him. He worked for me. But I never would have guessed it from the way I acted, and I’d bet money he couldn’t tell either.

I’ve done the same thing with publishers, with donors, with people I was trying to bring onto a project. I’d have the true thing to say, and I’d say it, and I’d bury it under so much anxious explanation that nobody could find it.

I’ve been fearfully authentic in most of those situations.

What Fearless Actually Looks Like

“Fearlessly authentic” can go bad in the other direction, fast.

It doesn’t mean blunt. And it isn’t the thing I used to do, where I’d swallow something for six months and then finally say it at volume. That was never courage. That was the same fear coming out sideways, and I rarely felt good afterwards.

Fearless authenticity is quieter than that. It’s three things:

Say the true thing once. Not five times, and not with a running commentary.

Don’t build a case. Reasons are for people who are still deciding. If the decision is already made, reasons are just handles.

Let it sit there. This is the hard one for me. The silence after a true thing is almost unbearable when I’m afraid, and everything in me says to fill it. I’ve had to learn not to. The other person’s reaction belongs to them. It was never mine to manage.

I can’t edit fear out of a sentence in the moment — in the moment, the fear is driving. The best place I’ve managed to get it out is before I’m in the room. When I write the line down while I’m calm, it comes out in about twelve words. When I don’t, it takes five minutes and costs me the evening.

When I think my honest answer needs propping up, what I’m really saying is that I don’t trust it. And when I don’t trust it, I pad it until nobody can find it. But honesty doesn’t need our help. It’ll stand up by itself if we’ll let go of it.

If You’re In It Right Now

By the end, every sentence I said felt like it was being entered into evidence. I’d learned that if I said the plain thing, it got used against me later. So I managed every word. I called it being careful. Some days I called it being kind. I was worn out, and things blew up anyway.

The exhaustion wasn’t coming from the honesty. It was coming from the fear wrapped around the honesty. And the fear wasn’t protecting me.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment” (1 John 4:18a).

Fear has to do with punishment. That was it exactly. I was talking to her like a man expecting to be punished for whatever he was about to say. I couldn’t love her well from there. I couldn’t even tell her the truth well from there.

So try one thing this week. Just one.

Pick something small you need to say to somebody. Not the big one — not yet. Something ordinary. Sit down beforehand and write out one sentence. One. Then read it over and take out every reason, every apology, and every “I’m sorry, but.”

Then go say it, and stop talking.

However it goes, you’ll at least know you said the thing itself — not a padded version of it, and not a version your fear negotiated down before it ever left the house. That was worth more to me than getting the answer I wanted.

I wish I’d learned it before I lost a marriage. But I’d rather learn it at sixty-one than not at all.

I still have that picture of the four chocolate wrappers on that kitchen table. I look at it differently now. I used to think it was a promise we broke together.

Now I think it was an instruction I hadn’t understood yet. The word I kept missing wasn’t authentic.

It was fearlessly.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You don’t need us to explain ourselves to You. You already know what we’re going to say before we say it, and You love us anyway. Lord, we confess that at times we’ve been afraid — afraid of people’s reactions, afraid of being misunderstood, afraid of what it will cost us to say the true thing. Would You take that fear out of our mouths? Give us the courage to say what’s true, one time, kindly, and then to be quiet and trust You with what happens next. Help us to remember that our honesty doesn’t need our protection. And where we’ve been managing people instead of loving them, forgive us, and set us free from it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Proverbs 29:25. What does it mean that the fear of man is a “snare”? How have you seen that play out in your own conversations?

2. Read Matthew 25:14-30. The servant gave back everything he’d been given. Why do you think the master responded to his fear rather than to his accounting?

3. Think of a recent conversation that went worse than you expected. Were you saying one true thing, or were you stacking up reasons? What might have changed if you’d said less?

4. What’s one thing you need to say to someone this week? Try writing it out as a single sentence, then removing every reason and apology. What’s left?

Chapter 19: Compassion, Not Pity

“And of some have compassion, making a difference” (Jude 22, KJV).

I asked Sharon for a script once. How do I hand her over to God? What words do I use?

And then I told her what I was actually carrying, which was not one thing.

I have compassion for her. I care about her. I want her to be the best she can be, and I mean that in the way you mean it about someone you loved.

I’m also really angry.

Both of those were true on the same morning, in the same chest, and I couldn’t work out which one was the real one and which one I was performing.

That’s the state a person can be in when somebody knocks on the door with a casserole.

What Came to the Door

People brought me a great deal that year and it wasn’t all the same substance.

Some of it landed and some of it made me want to leave the room, and sometimes I couldn’t have told you the difference. It wasn’t about how much they cared. 

Sharon put language on it.

Sympathy, she said, is a human reaction. It’s the card you send when somebody dies and you don’t know how to say anything. I’m so sorry for your great loss. There’s nothing wrong with that. It has its place, and its place is mostly funerals.

Pity is different, and she was blunt about it. In Scripture, when someone pities someone, it usually has a sneer in it — pity for a king because the man was a fool. There’s no substance to it. I pity you. Now God’s going to get you.

Sympathy and pity make a person feel better for a moment. Compassion makes a difference.

Have Compassion, Make a Difference

In the King James, Jude 22 reads: And of some have compassion, making a difference.

Eight words, sitting in one of the shortest books in the Bible, in the middle of a passage about how to handle people who are in trouble.

Compassion and difference, welded together in the same breath. Not compassion and feeling. Not compassion and understanding. Compassion, making a difference — as though the second thing is how you’d know the first thing had happened.

The Day Her Husband Died

A mutual friend of Sharon’s and mine lost her husband. He died at home, and Sharon was there that day.

He was still lying on the couch. People were arriving, filling the room, doing what people do — bringing their sympathy and their pity into a house where a woman had just lost her husband.

Sharon walked over, put her mouth next to the woman’s ear, and asked her two questions.

What can I do for you? What do you need right now?

The woman didn’t look at anybody else in the room. She acknowledged that they were there, and then she answered the question.

I need a mama hug.

Sharon has been called mama by half the people who know her, and that was what the woman needed at that hour of that day, and she got it.

Nobody in that room could bring her husband back. Everyone knew that. The difference between the person who helped and the people who filled the doorway was one question, asked quietly, that the woman was allowed to answer.

What Compassion Says

Sharon gave me the words, and they’re not complicated.

Compassion doesn’t say I feel really bad for you. It says: What’s your immediate need? What can I do today that would help?

I can’t take away your pain. I can’t take away your grief. But there’s something I can do for you right now.

That’s an offer a person in grief can actually accept. It doesn’t require them to explain anything, or perform gratitude, or produce a feeling on demand.

She also said what to do when you’re standing in front of someone and you have nothing. Dig down, and say: Lord, give me Your compassion. Because sympathy is a human feeling and compassion comes from the Spirit of God in us, which means it can be asked for.

And she said the answer is often a hug. Also for the men. Grown men, big men, coming to her for the same thing that woman asked for.

Moved With Compassion

The Gospels use that phrase over and over, and it’s always followed by an action.

Jesus was moved with compassion, and the leper was clean. Moved with compassion, and the blind man saw. Moved with compassion for a crowd that had been with Him three days, and He fed them before He sent them home.

Sharon’s version: when Jesus was moved with compassion, the demons ran, the lame walked, the blind saw, the deaf heard.

Every single time, something changed. The word never once appears in the Gospels followed by nothing.

At the tomb of Lazarus, He wept — knowing exactly what He was about to do, four days late on purpose, with the outcome already settled. Sharon called those the right kind of tears. He had so much love in Him He couldn’t hold them back.

That’s worth noticing if you’re the one helping. He cried at a funeral where He was about to raise the man. The feeling wasn’t a substitute for the action and the action didn’t cancel the feeling.

And for Yourself

Sharon said, You’ve got to have compassion, and give yourself a break, too.

Compassion, aimed inward, works the same way as compassion aimed at anybody else. It isn’t poor me — that’s the pity version, and it corrodes. It’s the same two questions, turned around.

What do I actually need right now? What’s one thing I could do today that would help?

I can’t take away my own grief either. But there’s usually something I can do before lunch.

What You Might Do

When it’s your turn, ask the question instead of only offering the feeling.

What do you need right now? Then be quiet and let them answer, even if the answer is odd, even if the answer is a hug or a load of laundry or somebody to sit in the car with them outside the courthouse.

And say the honest part out loud: you can’t take away the pain. Saying so is what makes the rest of it believable.

If you have nothing to give, ask God for His compassion. That’s a real prayer with a real answer, and it’s available in the doorway on the way in.

One person asked her what she needed.

It’s often a hug.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that Your Son was moved with compassion, and that something happened every single time. Thank You that He wept at a grave where He already knew the ending. Lord, for those of us in a season where people keep arriving with words that don’t land — give us grace for them, because they’re trying. And when it’s our turn to stand in somebody else’s doorway, keep us from offering pity. Give us Your compassion instead, since we don’t manufacture it ourselves. Teach us to ask what’s needed today and to be quiet long enough to hear the answer. And help us to turn some of that on ourselves, and give ourselves a break, too. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Jude 22, then look up two or three places in the Gospels where Jesus is described as moved with compassion, such as Matthew 14:14, Matthew 15:32–38, and Mark 1:40–42. What happens next in each one?

2. Read John 11:32-44. Why do you think He wept, given what He was about to do? What does that say about feeling and action belonging together?

3. Think of the people who have helped you most this year. What did they actually do or say? How was it different from what the others offered?

4. Ask yourself Sharon’s two questions right now. What do you need today, and what’s one thing you could do about it before the day is out?

Chapter 20: Get Back on the Horse

“For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again” (Proverbs 24:16).

I have a grass tennis court in my backyard. I put it in years ago because my kids and I love the game and because grass is what they play on at Wimbledon, and a man is allowed one ridiculous thing.

Mostly I play with my people who send the ball back to me in a friendly way.

That Friday night I was playing with a friend from church who plays a great deal of tennis and plays it aggressively. He was putting the ball everywhere, and I was chasing it.

I went for one I had no business going for.

I knew halfway there that I was going down. I was stretched way too far and there was nothing to do about it, and it happened slowly, the way those things do. Face. Elbow. Hip. Knee. The whole side of me arriving in sequence.

It felt like eight hundred pounds hitting the ground.

What I Normally Do

I hate pain. Enough that I have a whole procedure for it.

I lie there. I don’t move a muscle until I’ve taken a full inventory — is anything broken, is my neck all right, what happens if I try to sit up. I’ve done this my entire life. Assess first, then move.

So I hit the grass and my body started to settle into the usual routine.

And what came instead was: Eric, get up. Eric, get up. Get up right now.

That is not my normal response. It wasn’t a thought I had. It arrived.

So I got up. I stood straight up off the ground and walked back toward the line to hit another ball, and they were calling over asking whether I was sure I was all right.

I said yes. And I was. I had bruises up the whole side of me for a week, and nothing else.

What Would Have Happened

The tennis doesn’t matter. What matters is what my usual procedure actually produces, which I could see clearly for the first time from a standing position.

If I’d stayed down there taking inventory, fear would have set in. And it works fast.

Then would come the sentence, and I know exactly what it is because I’ve said it before: I’m too old for this.

And maybe I am. But once that sentence gets said out loud, it isn’t a piece of data anymore. It’s a decision. I’d have stopped playing on that court, and I’d have had a reason ready for anyone who asked, and the reason would have sounded sensible.

That’s how a man loses a thing he loves. Not in the fall. In the twenty minutes after it, lying on the grass being reasonable.

Sharon’s Horse

I told her about it, and she gave me the old saying, which she uses on herself because she used to ride.

You fall off the horse, you get right back up, or you’ll never get up again.

Then she told me about the first time she had to do it. She said what she was thinking was, I don’t want to get up there again.

And what she heard back was: you’d better do it now.

Then the reason.

If you don’t get back up now, all you’ll think about is the pain. You won’t think about the pleasure that riding the horse gave you.

The Pleasure Clause

I’d always heard get back on the horse as advice about courage. Be brave, don’t let fear win, and so on. It sounded like something a coach says.

She isn’t talking about courage. She’s talking about what happens to your memory.

Stay down long enough and the fall becomes the whole file. The pain is recent, vivid, and physical, and it starts writing over everything else. Within a week, horse means the day you came off one. Within a year you’ve forgotten that there was a reason you got on in the first place — that it was one of the better things in your life, that you did it because it made you happy.

The pain doesn’t just make you afraid of the next ride. It reaches backward and takes the last twenty years of riding with it.

Which is the real possibility for anybody in the first year after something like this. Not that you’ll be hurt. You’ve already been hurt. It’s that the hurt will spread backward through your history until you can’t remember why you ever wanted any of it.

I’ve watched people do that with marriage itself. The last two years rewrite the previous twenty, and they end up saying it was all a waste, which isn’t true and which they may never had said before.

Getting up quickly is how you protect the good part.

What She Was Actually Talking About

We weren’t talking about tennis when she said it. I had just told her about sending a note out to thousands of subscribers and then second-guessing it for forty-eight hours afterward, the way I do every time.

What she said first was that when you minister out of your own pain, the healing comes to you first. You’re ministering the way you normally would. You’re not putting up a facade.

Then came the horse.

The horse was the ministry. Not another marriage — she never once suggested I hurry back into a relationship, and she’d have stopped me if I’d tried. The horse was the writing, the podcast, the standing up in front of people. Thirty years of it, and I had decided it was finished.

She wanted me to take the time I needed to heal from the marriage, and she wanted that time to be shorter than I’d have chosen. Left to myself I’d have stayed down for years, running the inventory, the way I’d have stayed down on that tennis court.

There was too much still to do.

Seven Times

Proverbs says the righteous fall seven times and rise again.

Not once. Seven — which in that literature means as often as it takes. The falling isn’t the exception in that sentence. It’s assumed. The verse doesn’t distinguish the righteous man by whether he goes down; it distinguishes him by what he does next, over and over, at a frequency nobody would call impressive.

Micah puts it in the first person, and it’s practically a taunt: Do not gloat over me, my enemy. Though I have fallen, I will rise.

Present tense. Fallen already, still on the ground, saying it out loud before it’s happened.

That’s not a man who has recovered. It’s a man announcing his intention from the dirt.

What You Might Do

Pick up the thing you set down.

Not everything. One thing — the one that’s been sitting there since it happened, the project or the habit or the invitation you’ve been putting off. Mine was a stack of beautiful printed materials for a film I’d stopped raising money for, sitting on a shelf where I could see them every day.

Do the smallest real version of it this week. Send one email. Make one call. Put it back in motion at whatever size you can manage.

And when you go down again — you will, that’s the seven — notice how long you spend on the ground taking inventory. Try cutting it in half. You’ll find the assessment is mostly the same either way.

You can take the assessment later.

Take it standing.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You are not surprised by a fall. Thank You that Your Word counts them and keeps going. Lord, for those of us lying still and taking inventory — would You get us up? Not to prove anything, and not because we’re strong, but before the pain writes over everything good that came before it. Protect our memories of what we loved. Where fear has already started talking sense to us, give us one small thing to do this week and the will to do it. And when we go down again, help us to get up quicker each time. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Proverbs 24:16 and Micah 7:8. What distinguishes the righteous person in these verses? What is assumed about them?

2. What did you set down after everything happened that you haven’t picked back up? Why that one?

3. Sharon said if you don’t get back up, all you’ll think about is the pain and not the pleasure. Where has recent pain started rewriting good memories from before it?

4. What’s the smallest real version of getting back on — something you could actually do this week? Name it and put a day next to it.

Chapter 21: It Would Be Unhealthy Not To

“Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate” (2 Samuel 12:20).

I had a plan and I couldn’t make myself start it.

Get through the retreat weekend. Get through the Fourth of July. Then, on the seventh or the eighth, begin again. Announce what I was doing, walk people through one of my books, read a chapter a day online. Get back into public ministry.

I laid it out for Sharon and then asked the question I’d been circling for weeks. Do you think that’s healthy? Is it too soon?

She said, “I would say it’d be unhealthy not to.”

I made her say it again. I wrote it down. It’s in my notes with a box drawn around it.

She Turned the Question Over

I had been asking whether going back was safe. Whether I’d recovered enough, whether I’d embarrass myself, whether people would think it was fast.

Every version of my question assumed the same thing: that waiting is the neutral option. That standing still costs nothing, and moving is the risk.

She priced the other side.

She was right. I told her in the same conversation that I thought I was approaching the unhealthy side of it right then. People I hadn’t told were writing to ask if I was all right — Haven’t heard from you in a while, are you okay? My silence had gotten loud enough that people were checking on me.

There’s a point where resting becomes hiding. It doesn’t announce itself. The days are identical.

What Was Actually Stopping Me

It wasn’t uncertainty about the right timing.

I was afraid of what would be said about anything I put out. I could picture something going up and something else coming back at it, and me having to decide what to do about that in public.

Sharon’s answer to that was short. You can do whatever you want.

Meaning: you can hide a comment. You can not read it. You can turn the thing off. The fear was built on a scenario where I had no options, and I had all the ordinary options anybody has.

Waking Up Knowing

The other thing holding me still was that I was waiting for a feeling.

I’d been waiting to wake up one morning knowing. Not wondering. Knowing. Ready in a way I could feel in my chest, so that starting would be a response to something rather than a decision I’d have to make and defend.

I said as much to her. I’d been waiting for that, and it wasn’t happening.

It may or may not happen. It hadn’t for me in eight months, and the waiting itself had become the condition I was waiting to get out of.

At some point you just move forward. That’s the whole of the guidance available.

Three Days

Sharon knows this one from the inside, so I took close note to what she said.

Chuck died on a Thursday. His memorial service was planned for the following Wednesday. What should she do about going to church on the Sunday in between?

She found herself asking whether it was too soon to go. She told me she couldn’t understand what was wrong with her — questioning going to church, for heaven’s sake.

Then the Holy Spirit rose up in her with two things.

What have you told others?

And: If you don’t do it now, you may never do it again.

Three days. That’s not a recommendation and I’m not putting it forward as a schedule for anybody. What matters is the mechanism she’d spotted. The gap between what she’d have told any grieving person in her church and what she was telling herself — and the recognition that a delay begun for good reasons can quietly become permanent.

The Announcement I Didn’t Make

There was a second question underneath all of it, and it’s the one I expected to take the longest.

I’d told thousands of email subscribers that I’d gotten married. I’d told them how I believed God had put it together. Those people were, in some sense, owed something.

So did I need to make a statement? Address it publicly, once, properly, and then move on?

Sharon’s answer was no, and she was quick about it.

Make a list of names, she said. Prioritize it. If there are ten you’re genuinely not at rest about — people you can’t move forward without telling — then tell those ten. The rest you don’t have to.

I don’t? I feel like I need to do a public post.

“I really wouldn’t.”

Then she gave me the alternative, which is better than a statement and costs nothing. Along the way, it’ll just happen. A question will come through. Then another. And when you see a little stream of them, you’ll know it’s time.

Let it be answered rather than announced.

The thing I’d been dreading was a moment I was going to have to construct. What she described was a moment that would arrive on its own, in a size I could handle, brought to me by people who actually wanted to know.

I never did make the statement. It came up on its own, the way she said it would — a relationship that didn’t work out, mentioned in passing. Nobody has ever complained to me about the absence of an announcement. And this book, two years on, is the fuller answer, given at a time of my choosing.

David Got Up

The child born to David and Bathsheba became ill, and David fasted and lay on the ground all night. His servants couldn’t get him up or get him to eat.

Then the child died, and they were afraid to tell him — if he was like this while the child lived, what would he do now?

He saw them whispering, worked it out, and asked. They told him.

And David got up off the ground. Washed. Put on lotions. Changed his clothes. Went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then went home and asked for food, and ate it.

His servants were baffled and said so, because it was exactly backward from what everyone expected.

His answer was straightforward. While the child was alive he fasted and wept, because who knows, the LORD might be gracious. But now he’s dead — can I bring him back? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.

Nobody in that account tells David he’s grieving wrong. Nobody suggests he didn’t love the child. He simply knew which season he was in, and when it changed, he washed and got dressed.

There’s a version of grief that requires a person to stay on the floor to prove the loss was real. David didn’t hold with it. He wept while weeping was the thing, and then he ate.

What You Might Do

Take the thing you’ve been planning to restart and pick the date. Not the conditions — the date. Put it on a calendar where you can see it.

Then make the list Sharon described. The handful of people you’re not at rest about, who need to hear it from you directly. Not the whole roll. Not a post.

And check the price on the other side of the ledger. Ask what another three months of waiting will cost you, in the same detail you’ve been using to imagine what starting might cost. That’s the column I’d left blank.

There may never have been a morning when I woke up knowing.

There was only the next Sunday.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You don’t ask us to stay on the floor to prove that something mattered. Thank You that David got up, washed his face, and worshiped, and that You did not think less of him for it. Lord, for those of us waiting to feel ready — would You show us that the feeling may not come, and that the waiting has its own cost? Give us a date. Give us the few names we need to tell, and free us from telling everybody. And where fear is building a case about what people will say, remind us of how many ordinary options we still have. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read 2 Samuel 12:15-23. What surprises the servants, and how does David explain himself? What does he know that they don’t?

2. If you’ve been waiting to feel something before you start again, what is it? And how long have you been waiting for it?

3. Make the list. Who are the few people you genuinely can’t move forward without telling? Is it as long as you assumed?

4. What will another three months of waiting cost you? Write that column out in the same detail you’ve used to imagine what starting might cost.

Chapter 22: Don’t Catch the First Wave

“As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move quickly” (2 Samuel 5:24).

I was driving one afternoon, working through my next steps.

Her family. Her parents. Her kids. The friends of hers I’d met and liked and had my own relationships with. I’d been part of those people’s lives, briefly, and then I’d disappeared from them, and I didn’t know what I owed anybody.

So I was drafting. Who to call first, what to say, whether to write instead, in what order.

Then a second thought arrived behind the first one, and it was more useful: it might all just be too soon. I might not need to do anything. I might never need to do anything.

I brought both halves to Sharon, because I couldn’t tell which was wisdom and which was avoidance.

Time and Timing

She gave me a distinction.

“Time means nothing to God. But timing is everything.”

To Him a day is as a thousand years. The clock isn’t the point. When He deals with us, He deals with us at particular moments, and the moment matters.

My first reaction was to take the freeing half and run with it. I said that was a relief — if time means nothing, then I could check out for a long while.

And then I heard myself, and corrected it in the same breath. Time means nothing. Timing means I need to be prepared and ready when the opportunity comes, or when He says do something.

Those are not the same posture at all. One is a man who has stopped watching. The other is a man watching closely for something specific.

The Surfers

Sharon learned it long before she knew the Lord, sitting on a beach in California. Two of her cousins were surfers. She never went out on the water — she’d sit and watch them.

And she’d see these beautiful waves rolling in, and her cousins wouldn’t move. Wave after wave, and the two of them just sitting out there.

What are you waiting for? Look at those gorgeous waves!

They told her she didn’t get it yet.

Finally she got frustrated enough to demand an explanation.

Don’t catch the first wave. Wait. Sometimes it’s not until the seventh, but at least the second or the third.

Once you see a wave come in and draw back from an undercurrent, then you know. The next one is higher, more stable, better to ride.

“Surfing is all about timing,” they kept telling her.

And the warning underneath it: if you go out on that first one, you’re going to fall on your face. You’ve got to know what that wave looks like.

The Wave That Went By Is the Information

That’s what makes this different from ordinary advice about patience.

Her cousins weren’t waiting for a feeling, or for enough time to pass, or for the ocean to seem safer. They were reading the water. And the specific thing they were reading was the wave they had just let go.

The one that comes in and pulls back tells you what’s behind it. Miss that, and you’re not waiting wisely — you’re just sitting there.

Which reframed my afternoon of drafting. The urge I had to start calling her family and friends wasn’t wrong. It was first. And a first wave is not a bad wave. It’s an unread one.

The undercurrent in my case was the last attempt I’d made to fix something before I was ready. I knew exactly what that had produced. That was my information, sitting right there, if I’d bothered to read it instead of trying to get past it.

Which Is Not the Same as Sitting on the Beach

I want to put this next to the previous chapter, because they’ll look like they disagree.

There I said the waiting has a cost, and that at some point you just have to move. Here I’m saying don’t take the first wave. Both are true and they’re about different things.

Getting back to your own work — your job, your calling, the thing you set down — is the previous chapter. Don’t wait to feel ready for that. Pick a date.

Initiating something with other people, especially the ones tangled up in what happened, is this chapter. That’s where the first wave will get you.

And the position is the same in both. Sharon’s cousins were not on the beach. They were out in the water, on their boards, facing the right direction, already wet. Everything about them was ready except the moment.

That’s the posture. Not resting. Not deciding. Watching.

The Sound in the Trees

David beat the Philistines at Baal Perazim. He asked God first, God said go, and he went, and it worked.

Then the Philistines came back and spread out in the same valley.

Same enemy. Same ground. And David asks again — which is the first remarkable thing, because he had a proven method from three verses earlier.

God tells him something different this time. Do not go straight up. Circle around behind them and attack in front of the poplar trees.

And then: As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move quickly, because that will mean the LORD has gone out in front of you.

There was a sound to wait for. Not a length of time. A signal, and it came from the trees, from something outside himself, which meant David had to be still enough to hear leaves move while an army stood in front of him.

I notice too that the instruction wasn’t wait. It was wait, and then move quickly. The waiting was entirely in service of the speed.

What You Might Do

If there’s a call you’re planning to make to somebody on the other side of all this, put a date on it three months out and see whether you still want to make it.

Many first waves don’t survive that. The ones that do are usually worth riding.

Meanwhile, read the last wave. Whatever you already tried too early — write down what it produced. That’s not a regret to get past. It’s the undercurrent, and it’s telling you what’s coming behind it.

And stay in the water. Keep the board under you. Don’t confuse waiting for the right moment with having stopped looking for one. The first is a discipline. The second is a slow retirement.

I’m not sitting on the beach.

I’m out there watching the one that just went by.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You are never in a hurry and never late. Thank You that time means nothing to You, and that timing means everything when You deal with us. Lord, for those of us with our hands on something we want to fix right now — would You steady us? Teach us to read what has already happened instead of rushing past it. Keep us in the water and facing the right way, ready to move fast when You say move. And give us ears for the sound in the trees, even with everything else in front of us making noise. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read 2 Samuel 5:17-25. Why do you think David asked a second time when he already had a working answer? What was he told to wait for?

2. What’s the first wave in front of you right now — the call, the letter, the conversation you want to initiate? What happens if you date it three months out?

3. What did you already try too early? What did it produce, and what does that tell you about what’s coming next?

4. Are you in the water or on the beach? What would it look like this week to be ready without moving yet?Chapter 23: At the Same Time

“And He sent a man before them — Joseph, sold as a slave” (Psalm 105:17).

A man I hadn’t spoken to in years called me out of nowhere.

He said I’d been on his mind. Not that week — for about two months. He didn’t know why. He’d just kept thinking about me and finally decided to stop wondering and pick up the phone.

Two months.

I counted backward. Two months back put him well before the worst of it, and before anybody knew anything, and before I had any idea I would need a single person to call me.

He’d been carrying me around for eight weeks without knowing what for.

That happened more than once that year. People surfacing from decades ago. People who had no way of knowing. One of them had already heard something and called anyway, which is its own kind of courage.

At the time, I wondered if it was God, or coincidence, or in the general category of nice things happening in a bad season.

A Change in Direction

Sharon reminded me about Joseph.

Joseph is in the pit.

His brothers have thrown him in and they’re standing above him working out how to kill him. He can hear them planning it. He isn’t guessing at their intentions. He’s listening to the discussion.

From down there, the situation admits of no interpretation. I’m gone. What can I do?

Then she moved the camera.

At the same time, at a completely different end of the desert, a caravan is moving. Traders with wealth loaded onto their camels, traveling to Egypt.

There’s no sign out there in the desert saying Joseph is over this way.

Nothing about their route has anything to do with him. They’re going about their business, on a day that has nothing to do with a boy in a hole.

And God brings them together.

The caravan comes over the horizon at precisely the moment those brothers are one decision away from murder. The brothers look up and see it coming, and what they see is money.

Let’s not kill him. Let’s sell him.

The Vehicle Is the Same

The caravan wasn’t a rescue.

Joseph didn’t get pulled out and sent home. He got sold. He went into slavery, into Potiphar’s house, into an accusation and a prison, and years went by.

The caravan was the worst thing that happened to him and it was also the answer.

And where were those traders headed? Toward Egypt. Toward the country where a king would one day need a dream interpreted and there would be exactly one man in the kingdom who could do it.

Sharon put the question clearly: how was he going to get there?

He was seventeen years old in the middle of nowhere with no money and no standing. There was no route from that pit to that throne room that any reasonable person could have drawn. And the only conveyance available was the one that arrived disguised as the end of his life.

What She Was Actually Telling Me

She wasn’t giving me a Bible study. She was making a claim about my life, and she made it directly.

At the same time that I was being crushed by the news I got, God was preparing a people who would stand with me. Who would support me.

And while I was sitting there asking so what’s next, what am I going to do, where do I go from here, He was preparing something that hadn’t been revealed to me yet.

That’s not a promise that things will work out. It’s a claim about timing. That the preparation had already started, in a place I couldn’t see, before I knew I’d need it.

Which is, as it happens, a testable claim. And the phone call I opened this chapter with is my evidence, because that man started thinking about me two months before there was anything to think about.

Who Showed Up

This is my list of the people who turned up, and you may have your own.

The two friends who told me to make the best decision for myself and not to worry what anybody else said.

The man who called to say he’d write a letter defending my integrity, before I’d asked anybody for anything.

The friend who called and said he didn’t need any details and just wanted to know if I was okay.

The couples I’d counseled years ago who wouldn’t accept my apology and told me instead that the standard I’d held had given them hope.

The men who came to my house for a weekend and told me that my being open over the years was why they were able to be open now.

Not one of those people questioned me. Not one asked for the account before deciding whether to stay.

I did not assemble that group. I couldn’t have. Most of those relationships were built years ago for entirely different reasons, by a man who had no idea what he was building them for.

He Sent a Man

Psalm 105 tells the story in a single line.

And He sent a man before them — Joseph, sold as a slave.

God is the subject of that sentence. Not the brothers. The psalmist looks at a kidnapping and a human trafficking transaction and says: He sent a man.

Then: They bruised his feet with shackles, his neck was put in irons, till what he foretold came to pass, till the word of the LORD proved him true.

Till. The shackles have an end date in that sentence, and the end date is not an escape — it’s the word being proved true.

Joseph didn’t know any of that in the pit. He couldn’t have. There’s no version of that afternoon where he had access to the sentence in Psalm 105.

He just had brothers overhead and dust in his mouth and, somewhere out past the horizon, camels making an unexpected appearance.

What You Might Do

Write the list. Everybody who has shown up, going back to the beginning of this.

Then, next to each name, write when you met them. Not when they helped — when the relationship started. Most of mine started years before, for reasons that had nothing to do with any of this.

The exercise converts a general belief that God is at work into something you can look at on paper.

And when you catch yourself asking what’s next, you can let the question sit unanswered. Not because an answer is coming on any schedule you’d recognize. Because the preparation and the crisis run at the same time, and only one of them is visible from where you’re standing.

The man who called had been carrying me for two months before I knew I needed carrying.

The caravan was already on its way.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You work in places we cannot see, on timelines we did not set. Thank You that while Joseph was listening to his brothers plan his death, You were bringing a caravan in a desert with no signposts in it. Lord, for those of us in the pit right now — we’re not asking to be shown the whole thing. Just give us the grace to believe that something is already in motion. Thank You for the people You sent us who didn’t need for the full account before they stayed. Help us to recognize them, and to say so to them. And where the thing that arrives looks like the end of us, give us the humility to wonder whether it’s the way through. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Genesis 37:18-28, then Psalm 105:16-22. Who does the psalm say sent Joseph to Egypt? What does that do to the story you just read?

2. Sharon pointed out there was no sign in the desert saying Joseph was over that way. Where in your own situation did something arrive that had no ordinary reason to?

3. Make the list of people who showed up. Beside each name, write when the relationship actually began. What do you notice?

4. Is there something you’d call the worst thing that happened, which may also turn out to be the way through? What would it cost you to hold that possibility open without forcing it?

Chapter 24: “You Don’t Get Burned Out on Ministry”

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Corinthians 4:17).

I bought a sensor for my type 2 diabetes and then left it sitting there.

I’d used one before. Two weeks on a free one, and it worked — it was genuinely helpful. It was also relentless. You wear it on your arm and it tells you what everything you eat is doing to you, in real time, which is the point of it.

Then I ran out, went to Texas, and got all out of whack again. So I paid for another one.

And I didn’t want to put it on.

The reason wasn’t the needle or the cost. It’s that the moment it goes on my arm, I’m analyzing again. Everything I eat, everything I do, all day. I’d be stuck in it.

It felt exactly like not wanting to go back to Celebrate Recovery. Same flavor. I don’t want to give up — I want to do what’s right — and I am so tired.

If you’d asked me to name that, I’d have said burnout.

What She Said

Sharon has heard the word a great deal, from staff, from ministry people, from her dancers. And her answer is the same.

“You don’t get burned out on ministry. You get burned out on life.”

Then she gave me her own evidence, which is the part that makes it credible rather than tidy.

She had a women’s luncheon coming up that Saturday. She said she can get up there tired. She can get up on the pulpit with a headache, and the moment she’s up there, it’s gone. All of it.

And then she comes down off the platform and it’s don’t you dare come back.

That’s not a person claiming ministry doesn’t cost anything. It’s a person who has noticed that the cost arrives from somewhere other than where she’d assumed.

It isn’t the ministry that burns us out. It’s the issues of life. The cares of the day. What she called the enemy coming along to chew on the edges and wear you down.

Why the Distinction Matters

Because the two diagnoses lead in opposite directions.

If ministry is what’s draining you, the cure is less ministry. Step back, step down, hand it off, and get some distance from the thing that’s hurting you. That’s the reasonable move.

If life is what’s draining you and the ministry is the one hour a week when the headache lifts, then stepping back removes the wrong thing. You’d be cutting the only part of the week that was giving something back.

I could test that against my own year without much difficulty. The hours that took the most out of me were the paperwork, the phone calls, the wondering what people had heard. The hours that gave something back were the ones where I was actually doing what I’ve been doing for thirty years.

I’d been ready to reduce the second column to make room for the first.

The Heavier Half

Sharon had first worked this out with her dancers.

They’d come to her feeling done. Finished, empty, nothing left, ready to stop.

She told them no. What’s happening, she said, is that God is taking you up another step. You’ve gone as far as you can go on the level you’re on, and He’s moving you, and the glory of God is heavy.

You’re feeling the weight of a new calling. And you look at that weight and read it as something going wrong — something’s broken, I need to back away, I’m burned out.

So she had the dancers go up one step at a time and push their way through the feeling.

This is not about you stepping out, she told me. This is about you recognizing the weight of glory that’s on you. It’s already there. You haven’t stepped into it yet, because you’re going through all of this.

The Bible Calls It Weight

That isn’t a metaphor Sharon invented. The Hebrew word for glory, kavod, carries the sense of heaviness — weight, substance, the opposite of something light or empty.

And Paul does the same thing in Greek. He says our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory — that’s the older rendering, and it’s more literal than the modern ones. Glory has mass in that sentence, and it’s set on a scale opposite our troubles, outweighing them.

Which means heaviness by itself tells you almost nothing. Grief is heavy. Shame is heavy. Glory is heavy. All three sit on you in the chest and make the stairs harder, and you cannot identify which one you’re carrying by weight alone.

I felt a weight I hadn’t felt before, assumed it was decline, and started planning accordingly.

Paul says it right there in the same passage: we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Both at once. The wasting is real but it isn’t the whole sentence.

Glory to Glory

The verse Sharon kept coming back to is the one about being transformed from glory to glory, and she’d add: and on up, until He comes.

There’s no arrival in that sentence. No level at which you’ve finished and can rest on the plateau. Just another step, and then another.

Which is either exhausting or freeing depending on what you do with it. What it did for me was explain the pattern of hitting what feels like a brick wall and concluding the whole thing has gone bad — when, as she put it, if you’re serving with the right heart, that’s the next stage, and you’ve simply never been there before.

The unfamiliarity is the evidence, not the problem.

What You Might Do

Take the last two weeks and split them into two columns.

What actually drained you — hour by hour, honestly. Then what gave something back, even a little.

When you do it, see if the columns are where you expected.

Then, before you step back from anything, ask which column you’re cutting.

And if you’re carrying a weight you’ve never carried before, hold the question open a while before you name it. It may be grief, and grief needs rest. It may also be the next step, and that one needs stairs.

Some of that weight was glory.

I’d been reading all of it as decline.

I put the sensor on my arm.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that the work You’ve given us is not what’s wearing us out. Thank You that You call Your own glory heavy, and that You don’t ask us to carry it as though it were nothing. Lord, for those of us who are tired enough to quit — would You show us what’s actually draining us? Keep us from cutting away the one thing that gives something back. And where the weight we’re feeling is a new step and not a decline, give us the strength to go up it one stair at a time. Thank You that we go from glory to glory, and that You are not finished with us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 and 3:18. What does Paul say is happening outwardly and inwardly at the same time? What does it mean that glory is described as having weight?

2. Do the two columns for the last two weeks. What actually drained you, and what gave something back? Did the columns land where you expected?

3. What have you been considering stepping back from? Which column is it in?

4. Where are you feeling a weight you haven’t felt before? What would change if it turned out to be a new step rather than the end of something?

Chapter 25: Write the Vision — and Put Yourself In It

“Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it” (Habakkuk 2:2).

That Saturday was supposed to be our celebration.

The one in her state, with her people, before she moved. It had been on the calendar for months. The following week she was going to move here, and then there’d be the second party in September, with my people.

None of it happened, and the Saturday came anyway.

What I did instead was drive to North Carolina.

A friend has a house up in the Blue Ridge Mountains and had told me to come whenever I wanted. So I put the top down on my new car and drove through the mountains. I built a circuit out of it — a friend on the way down, another on the way back through Atlanta, and a stop at the place where a friend is writing the script for a film I’ve been working on. Seven or eight days.

And I woke up every single morning of the week before it wanting to cancel.

Not just once. Pretty much every day. It’s a long drive. It’ll wear me out. All that conversing, all that rehashing. Have I bitten off too much? Maybe I’ll just cancel the whole thing.

I went anyway.

What She’d Been Pushing Me Toward

Some weeks before that, Sharon had started in on goals.

Not encouragement. She’d done that part already, and she said so: you needed a cheerleader at the beginning, and I was your cheerleader. But there comes a point where the question changes from how are you holding up to where do you go from here, and cheerleading has nothing to offer the second question.

What she wanted was specific and relentless. What are my goals for today. For this week. Break it into monthly, then a year. Where do you want to be five years from now? Where will you be next week that’s better than where you are this week?

And then: write them down.

She took it straight to Habakkuk. Write the vision on tablets. Write it plain, make it clear, so that those who read it can readily grasp it.

Her emphasis was on that last clause, and on the fact that the person doing the reading is often you. It’s your vision. You’ll be reading it to find out where you are on it.

Chuck’s Program

Chuck taught goal-setting at their Bible college, and before that he’d taught it in his real estate office — how to set targets, how to approach people, how to build a week.

For him it stopped being a business technique and became a way of living.

People would tell him they didn’t have time. I don’t have time for this, I don’t have time for that. So he’d sit them down and make them do hourly goals.

Hourly. What did you do between nine and ten. Between ten and eleven.

If food was the problem, he’d have them write down everything that went in their mouth. Not to shame anybody — to make it visible. Because when it’s in your head it’s a vague sense of being busy or being careful, and when it’s on paper it’s an hour you can point to where nothing happened.

He made them see it. And what they’d find was that there was time. There was time for God in there. There was time for them in there.

Sharon’s summary of it: it’s more than a calendar of events. It’s a calendar of what you want, and what it’s going to take to get there, and how you’re going to get what it takes.

The Question He’d Ask

Then Chuck would read what a person had written, and he’d say the thing this chapter is named for.

I don’t see anything in here for you individually.

The goals would be good. Wonderful goals. Work, family, church, service, all of it laid out properly.

And nothing in the whole document for the one who wrote it.

So the goals are good. But what about you?

The North Carolina trip was the first item I put on a calendar for no reason other than that I wanted to do it. That’s why it belongs in this chapter and not in the one about rest. It wasn’t recovery. It was a line in the plan with my own name on it.

Habakkuk Wasn’t Getting a Pep Talk

Sharon pointed out something about that book, Habakuk.

Read chapter one before you read chapter two. The prophet is not in good shape. He’s complaining — how long, LORD, must I call for help and You not listen? There’s violence and injustice all around him and God appears to be doing nothing about it.

God’s answer, when it comes, is not comfort. He doesn’t say I know how you feel. He doesn’t offer to be a cheerleader.

He says: write it down. Make it plain. Put it where a runner can read it on the move.

Then: For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.

That’s a strange thing to give a man in distress, and it’s exactly right. He isn’t told the trouble is over. He’s told to write down where this is going, in large enough letters that someone can read it on the move, and then to hold on for a delay that will feel like failure and isn’t.

A vision written down is something to hold on to when nothing has changed yet.

That weekend had been claimed months earlier. A celebration was already written on it.

What I did instead was drive a long way through the mountains with the top down, and sit with friends who were glad to see me.

It was a celebration of a different color.

What You Might Do

Write it plain. Where do you want to be next week, this month, a year from now. In sentences. On paper.

Then read it back and look for yourself in it. If everything on the page is for other people — the work, the kids, the ministry, the obligations — you’ve written a good document with a hole in it. Add one thing that’s only for you and give it a date.

Then go, on the morning when you want to cancel. That morning will come, and it may come every day for a week. 

The wanting to cancel isn’t information about whether it’s a good idea.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You didn’t answer Habakkuk with a pep talk. Thank You that You told him to write it down and make it plain, and that You meant it kindly. Lord, for those of us with no idea where we’re going — would You give us something specific enough to put on paper? Show us the delay for what it is, and keep us from reading it as a refusal. And when we lay out our plans and there’s nothing in them for us, give us the courage to add a line with our own name on it. Then help us to go, on the morning we most want to cancel. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Habakkuk 1:1-4, then 2:1-4. What is the prophet complaining about, and what does God tell him to do about it? Why write it down rather than explain it?

2. Write your goals for this week, this month, and this year. Plainly, in sentences. What is on the page?

3. Read what you wrote and look for yourself in it. Is there anything on that page that’s only for you?

4. What’s the trip, the project, or the day you keep almost canceling? Put a date on it, and tell one person you’re going.

Chapter 26: Scratch Through the Black

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter” (Ruth 1:20).

There was a great deal that was good.

That’s an awkward thing to say about a marriage that ended, and it’s true. There were wonderful feelings in it. There were days I would not trade. Somebody asks how it was, and the honest answer is that when it was good it was really good, and when it wasn’t it wasn’t, and the two ran alongside each other the whole time.

What I told Sharon was that I hated to throw all that away in my mind.

Because that’s what was happening. Not deliberately. The hard stretches had come to outweigh the good ones in the remembering, spreading over the whole of it, and I could feel the good parts getting harder to reach. Not disproven. Just covered.

The Crayons

Sharon does an exercise with people who join her dance team, and she offered it to me as something to do with a piece of paper.

Take a sheet of art paper, or just plain copy paper, and a box of crayons.

Start with the lightest color in the box. Not white, but the lightest one you can actually see. Scribble with it, a patch three or four inches across.

Then the next color. Scribble over the top of it. Then the next, and the next. Yellow, then pink, then green, then blue. Build the bright colors up in layers until you’ve worked through the whole box.

Then take the black and cover all of it. Heavily. Go over it and over it until you cannot see a single one of the other colors. The whole patch is black.

Then she hands them a penny, or a paper clip, or a dime.

Scratch a line through it.

And every color underneath comes up.

What They See

The dancers do it, and then they look at what’s on the paper, and Sharon says: black was on top. That’s all I see is black.

No. There’s more to it.

She learned it from Chuck, who studied graphic art. It’s a real technique with a name, scratch art, taught as a college course. He made pictures of elk where all you see is a line of color coming through the dark.

Black isn’t only the color of sympathy and death and evil.

It’s what gets laid on last.

Every color under it is still there. Scratch once and it’s right where you left it. It looks like absence and it’s actually a layer — one color on top of the ones you put down first.

What the Exercise Is Actually Saying

Two things, and they work at different depths.

The first is about the colors. They’re not gone. The black went on top of them, which is a different operation from erasing them, and I’d been treating the two as the same thing. The bad times in that marriage did not reach back and unmake the good ones. They covered them.

The second is about effort, and Sharon was specific about it. You don’t dig deep to do this. You take something in your hand and you scratch through it. One pass with a penny.

I find that oddly encouraging. The recovery of a good memory isn’t excavation. It doesn’t require you to justify anything or resolve anything or decide the relationship was worth it on balance. You scratch once and the color is right there, immediately, because it never left.

The Direction It Runs

In a different conversation, Sharon said the more you’re able to say Lord, thank You for the good of it. Thank You for the wonderful feelings I had, and I’m grateful for that.

Then: if we’re grateful for the good, it overtakes the bad.

Notice the direction. The way I’d always assumed it worked is that bad experience overtakes good — that’s the whole reason I was afraid of losing the good days, because the ending seemed to be swallowing them.

She’s saying the traffic runs the other way too, and that gratitude is what sends it that direction. Not denial. Not deciding the bad wasn’t bad. Naming the good specifically enough that it stops being a general sense of loss and becomes actual days you can thank God for.

I said even the wonderful feelings?

Naomi Renamed Herself

Naomi goes to Moab with a husband and two sons and comes back with none of them.

She arrives in Bethlehem and the whole town stirs. The women say, Can this be Naomi?

And she tells them: don’t call me Naomi. Naomi means pleasant. Call me Mara, which means bitter, because the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.

Then: I went away full, and the LORD has brought me back empty.

Ruth is standing right there.

The young woman who has just refused to leave her, who has sworn that Naomi’s people will be her people and Naomi’s God her God, who has walked out of her own country to be with this woman — that woman is standing beside her while Naomi announces to the town that she has come back empty.

And Ruth will marry Boaz, and their son will be the grandfather of David, and the whole line runs through this moment that Naomi is describing as emptiness.

She wasn’t lying. She’d lost a husband and two sons and she was in agony. But she had covered the whole canvas in black and named herself after it, with the brightest color in her life standing at her elbow.

Nobody in the story corrects her. Near the end, the women of the town tell her that her daughter-in-law is worth more to her than seven sons, and then the book closes with the line running down to David.

What You Might Do

Do the exercise. Actually do it — paper, crayons, a penny. It takes ten minutes and it does something that reading about it doesn’t.

Then, on a separate page, write down three good things from the season you’re grieving. Not conclusions about the relationship. Days. A specific morning, a specific conversation, something that happened once and was good when it happened.

Then thank God for them out loud, one at a time.

If that feels like a betrayal of how it ended, maybe that’s the black talking. The colors are still on the paper. You put them there and they’re not gone.

For a time all I could see was the black.

There’s more to it.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that nothing good is ever actually erased. Thank You that You saw every good day we had, and that You have not thrown them away even when we have. Lord, for those of us who have covered a whole season in one color and named ourselves after it — would You put something in our hand and let us scratch a line through? Show us what’s underneath. Give us the courage to be grateful for the good of it without pretending about the rest. And where somebody like Ruth is standing right beside us while we announce that we’ve come back empty, open our eyes. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Ruth 1:19-22. What does Naomi rename herself, and why? Who is standing next to her while she says she has come back empty?

2. Do the crayon exercise. What did you notice when you scratched through the black?

3. Write down three specific good days from the season you’re grieving. Not conclusions — days. Can you thank God for them out loud?

4. Sharon said that gratitude for the good overtakes the bad. What would it take to test that?Chapter 27: Mark It

“In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them…” (Joshua 4:6-7).

I sat down one day and made a list of every way I felt hurt.

I got to forty-eight.

Then I thought of a couple more while I was working.

I took it outside to my fire pit. I wasn’t always sure who had hurt whom. But where I felt hurt, I went down the page and prayed through each one, and forgave each one out loud, separately.

Then I crumpled the paper and lit it.

Why It Had to Be a List

I could have prayed a general prayer of forgiveness. I’d done that. It’s what I’d been doing for months, and it kept not taking.

The trouble with a general prayer is that it has nothing to grip. I forgive it all sounds enormous and generous, and it slides right off, because the thing that actually keeps me awake at two in the morning isn’t all of it. It’s item nineteen. One specific sentence somebody said on a specific afternoon.

Forty-eight may seem like a lot, but you can’t put down what you haven’t picked up and named. I had been carrying forty-eight separate things while telling myself I was carrying one big thing, and the one big thing was too vague to hand over.

Going one at a time takes a while. And it’s worked for me and for many others.

Why It Had to Burn

I could have prayed the same forty-eight prayers indoors and thrown the paper away.

A friend of mine works with youth groups and does what he calls rites of passage with them. Part of it is exactly this — write down the things you want to leave behind, and then burn them, together, where everyone can see it.

He’s not being theatrical. He’s doing something for people who need a moment they can point to afterward.

Because a decision made only in your head has no location. When I went looking for mine later, at two in the morning, when item nineteen came back around, there was nothing there to find. Just a memory of having decided, which feels identical to a memory of having intended to decide.

A fire has a location. There was a night, there was a pit, there was paper, there were ashes in the morning.

That’s worth having when the thing comes back. What burning it gives you isn’t immunity. It’s an answer: I have already dealt with that one. I know when. I know where I was standing.

The Man Who Needed to Go Under

I talked with a man once whose marriage had ended.

He’d been planning a trip to Israel to be baptized, and the trip had been canceled. And he said he still felt like he needed to be baptized. Then he asked whether that was bad to wait — whether he should just do it.

He asked if he could splash some water on himself.

I said that for this one, I thought he might want to go under.

Do you have a bathtub? A jacuzzi?

What I think he was after was something physical — a cleansing — something he could go through, on a particular day, that would mark the end of one thing and the start of another. He felt unclean, and he wanted something new, and words weren’t going to do it.

I don’t think that instinct is childish. I think it’s older and better than the reasoning we usually put over the top of it.

I mentioned the baptism idea to Sharon, and she told me this kind of cleansing has a name. A mikvah. It goes back centuries before John was standing in the Jordan, and the Jewish world used it for many reasons and many seasons — a bar mitzvah, a marriage, a ritual washing at the door of a home. A cleansing. A letting go of what was behind and a step into what was ahead.

Sharon said it clearly: you need to leave some stuff at the bottom of the water. 

Here’s water. What hinders you?

The Stones in the River

When Israel crossed the Jordan, God had them do something odd before they moved on.

Twelve men, one from each tribe, went back into the riverbed and each carried out a stone from where the priests had been standing. They stacked them at the campsite.

And the reason God gave for it is about the future.

In the future, when your children ask you, “What do these stones mean?” tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant.

The stones aren’t for the crossing. They’re for the argument thirty years later about whether the crossing really happened the way anybody remembers.

Samuel does the same thing at Mizpah after the Philistines are driven back. He sets up a stone and names it Ebenezer, which means stone of help, and says: Thus far the LORD has helped us.

Thus far. Not from now on. He isn’t claiming the rest of it. He’s marking the distance already covered so that nobody can pretend later that it was never covered.

Your brain may tell you that nothing has changed and that you’ve made no progress and that your future is empty. That claim is very difficult to sustain in front of a pile of rocks.

What You Might Do

Make the list. All of it. Don’t be embarrassed by the number.

Then take it somewhere and go through it one item at a time, out loud, and forgive each one as its own thing. Not as a category. Some of them will be small enough to feel silly. Do them anyway. The small ones are often the ones still drawing blood.

Then mark it. Burn the paper, or bury it, or go under water, or drive somewhere and stand there and say something out loud. It matters less what the ceremony is than that it has a place and a date.

And take a photograph of it, or write down where you were. You’ll want the evidence.

Forty-eight items. One fire.

You can argue with a memory. It’s much harder to argue with ashes.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You have always given Your people something to touch — stones, water, bread, ashes. Thank You that You know we forget, and that You have never treated our forgetting as a lack of faith. Lord, for those of us carrying a long list we’ve never actually named — give us the honesty to write it down and the grace to go through it one line at a time. Meet us at whatever fire or river we bring it to. And when it comes back, as it may, remind us of the time we dealt with it, and let that be enough. Thus far You have helped us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read Joshua 4:1-9 and 1 Samuel 7:12. What are the stones for, and who are they for? What does “thus far” mean in Samuel’s sentence?

2. Make the list. How many items are on it? Does anything surprise you about the number, or about which ones came first?

3. Is there an item on your list that comes back at two in the morning? Has it ever been named on its own, or only as part of the whole?

4. What would your ceremony be — fire, water, a drive, a stone on a shelf? When will you do it?

Chapter 28: They Need Something You Have

“Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony, ‘He told me everything I ever did’” (John 4:39).

I asked Siri to call somebody and Siri called somebody else.

A different name in my contacts. A man I hadn’t spoken to in years — not estranged, just one of those friendships that goes quiet without anybody deciding anything.

He picked up. And rather than explain that I’d misdialed, I said hello and asked how he was.

We talked for ten or fifteen minutes. Back and forth, catching up, the ordinary business of two men who used to know each other well.

And the whole time I was running an argument in my head.

I should tell him about the marriage.

I don’t want to tell him about the marriage.

I was embarrassed. That’s the word for it. I didn’t want to say it out loud to somebody who’d known me before, who had a picture of me from years ago that was about to be corrected.

I told him anyway. Got married, and then divorced, and here’s roughly how that went.

What He Said

When I finished, he was quiet for a second.

Then he said, “Eric, I have got to tell you something. And this is definitely God.”

Forty-five minutes before I called, he had ended an affair.

He’d been seeing a woman for about a month. And forty-five minutes before my phone dialed the wrong name, he had called her to say he couldn’t do it — that he couldn’t sleep, that he couldn’t go on with it, that it was over.

He said he’d known he had to tell somebody. He said when he saw my call come in, he knew I was the one.

And then he told me the rest of it, and we talked about what he was going to do, and whether he could tell his wife, and what she’d ask him, and what he’d say. I told him it might be all or nothing at this point. I told him not to jump into anything that afternoon. We made a plan to have lunch.

What Opened Him

He didn’t open up because I said something wise. I hadn’t said anything wise. He opened up after I told him the thing I’d spent fifteen minutes trying to talk myself out of telling him.

One of the most humbling facts of my life turned out to be the key that fit that particular door.

Nothing else in my possession would have done it. Not thirty years of ministry. Not the books. Not any amount of gentle, skilled asking.

He needed to know he was talking to somebody whose life had also come apart.

Why It Works

Sharon put language to this.

“When we minister out of our own pain, the healing comes to us first.”

Not to them. To us, first.

And the reason she gave is practical rather than mystical. Because we’re ministering as we normally would, and we’re not trying to put up a facade.

The facade is the expensive part. Being the man who has it together, in front of people who need something from you, costs enormously and constantly.

Take the facade away and the same conversation happens for a fraction of the price.

We both confessed something on that call. Neither of us had wanted to.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed (James 5:16).

Each other. There’s no patient and no doctor in that sentence.

I got off that call in better shape than I got on it. So did he.

The Woman at the Well

Jesus sits down at a well at noon, which is the wrong time of day to draw water, and a woman comes out alone, which is the wrong way to draw water.

Both of those details point the same direction: she seems to be arranging her life to avoid the other women of the town.

They talk. He tells her about her five husbands and the man she’s with now.

And she leaves her water jar and goes back into that town — the town she’d apparently been avoiding — and says to the people: come, see a man who told me everything I ever did.

That’s what she brings them. Not a doctrine. Not an argument. The one fact about herself she’d been organizing her whole life to keep out of conversation.

Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony.

Her testimony was her shame. It’s the only thing she had that they hadn’t already dismissed, and it turned out to be enough to bring a town out to a well in the middle of the afternoon.

Sharing about Christ is like one beggar telling another beggar where they found food.

That’s exactly what she did. She wasn’t qualified for it. She just knew where the food was.

What You Might Do

Somebody is going to ask you how you are, and you’ll have the usual choice.

You don’t have to tell everyone. There’s a whole chapter here arguing that. But there will be conversations where you can feel that the honest version is what’s called for, and where the only thing stopping you is that you’d rather not be seen that way.

That’s the moment. Tell it, and then be quiet, and see what comes back.

You may find you’re not the one who needed the conversation.

And don’t wait until you’ve recovered enough to be a good example. They don’t need a good example. They need somebody whose life also came apart and who is still here, still talking, still praying, still getting up in the morning.

That’s a thing you have now. You paid a great deal for it.

I told him one of the worst things that had ever happened to me.

Forty-five minutes earlier he’d hung up the phone and sat there with nobody to tell.

I never meant to call him at all.

Will you pray with me?

Father, thank You that You waste nothing. Thank You that the thing we would most like to hide is often the only thing in our hands that can open somebody else’s door. Lord, for those of us who feel we have nothing to offer anyone right now — would You show us that we’re carrying something we didn’t have a year ago? Give us the courage to say the true thing to the person in front of us and then stop talking. Take away the facade, and the exhaustion of keeping it up. And thank You that when we minister out of our own pain, You send the healing to us first. Use all of it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions for Reflection

1. Read John 4:1-30 and 4:39-42. What might the woman have been avoiding at the start of the passage, and what does she do at the end? What does she actually tell the town about Him?

2. Sharon said the healing comes to us first because we aren’t putting up a facade. What does maintaining a facade cost you in an ordinary week?

3. Who have you not told, out of embarrassment, who might need to hear it? What’s the conversation you’ve been steering around?

4. What do you have now that you didn’t have a year ago? Name it clearly, without minimizing what it cost.Conclusion: Unremarkable, Unchanged

The scan results came back with two words on them.

Unremarkable. Unchanged.

I read them and thought they were about the bleakest description of a man’s life I’d ever seen in print. Nothing notable. Nothing different. Sixty-some years and here’s your summary.

Then I remembered what they mean on a radiology report.

Unremarkable means there is nothing there worth remarking on. No mass, no bleed, no news. Unchanged means whatever was there before is exactly as it was — it hasn’t grown, it hasn’t spread, it isn’t doing anything.

Those are the two best words in medicine. When a doctor says them, you go home.

What’s Unchanged

Somewhere in the middle of all this, Sharon said something to me twice in one conversation.

You’re still the man you were.

I had assumed the opposite. I assumed a thing this large had to have taken something out of me permanently — that whatever I’d been before was now the before, and I’d be operating on a reduced version for whatever was left.

It wasn’t true. I’m still the man who wrote those books. I’m still the man those couples called. Thirty years of work didn’t get retroactively canceled by one year, and the people I’d helped were not un-helped by what happened to me afterward.

The verdict I was braced for never came. Not from God, and — this surprised me more — not from the people who know me.

Unchanged.

What’s Different

What’s different is how I operate.

I know now what to say before I walk into a hard conversation, and I write it down first. I know I don’t owe an account to everyone who asks for one. I know the difference between a person asking after me and a person collecting details. I know that my hands shaking is a fact about my nervous system and not a verdict on my character.

I know that a fall is not the fall, that the pain of it will rewrite the good part if I lie there long enough, and that getting up quickly is how I protect what I loved.

I know that I held a standard stricter than God’s and called it faithfulness, and I’ve stopped.

And I know that when I’m asked how I am, I can say the true thing, and that the true thing costs less than trying to maintain the managed version.

Sharon said to me: Welcome to graduation day. You’re never going to do this again. Your actions and reactions are going to be different now.

She was right, and I’d have told you at the time that she was being kind.

What I Won’t Tell You

I won’t tell you that you’ll be fine tomorrow or next week or next month.

You will get up. Possibly not today.

It will be one slice at a time, and when you cut into one slice, some of the other slices will run into it — that’s not a failure of the method, that’s what pie does.

And it will still not be more than you can handle in a day. It will be more than you can handle all at once, which is why nobody is asking you to handle it all at once.

Somewhere in the middle of this, someone is going to need the exact thing you’re most humbled by.

The Bench

There’s a bench in Lexington, Illinois with Lana’s name on it. I sit on it when I’m driving that way.

Nothing anywhere marks the other one. There was no service, no gathering, no casseroles, and no afternoon where the people who love me stood around in a room acknowledging that something had ended.

So I said at the beginning of this book that I was making one.

This book is it. It’s a strange sort of marker — paper instead of stone, and made out of what somebody else said to me on twenty Wednesday mornings, and out of my own working through it.

But it has a date on it. And I know where I was standing.

Thus far the LORD has helped us.

Unremarkable. Unchanged.

I’ll take it.

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About the Author

Eric Elder is an author, speaker, and contemporary pianist with a passion for sharing Christ with others.

He is also an ordained pastor and a technology expert, having worked as a technology researcher for a Fortune 10 corporation for nine years prior to going into full-time ministry in 1995. This unique combination of skills led USA Today to call him “a new breed of evangelist,” referring to his groundbreaking work of sharing Christ online with thousands of people daily in over 160 countries.

Eric has written for numerous publications, including Billy Graham’s Decision Magazine and has spoken internationally at conferences such as the International Freedom Conference.  

To read more from Eric, visit: www.InspiringBooks.com

பாலியல் பற்றி கடவுள் கூறுவதைக் கண்டறிந்து நடைமுறைப்படுத்த உதவும் ஒரு உத்வேகமளிக்கும் புத்தகம் / An inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex
எரிக்எல்டர் / Eric Elder

இந்த புத்தகம் ஒவ்வொரு பெற்றோரின் புதிய சிறந்த நண்பர்.

டான் மவுண்ட்னி, கேம்பஸ் பாஸ்டர், கென்சிங்டன் கம்யூனிட்டி சர்ச்

என் மகள்களின் கைகளில் இந்தப் புத்தகத்தை நம்பிக்கையுடன் கொடுக்க முடியும் என்று சில பக்கங்கள் படித்ததிலேயே எனக்குத் தெரிந்தது.

பிரிட்ஜெட் பூத், வீட்டுப்பள்ளித் தாய்

என் மகனுக்கு வெட்கமின்றி நான் படித்துக் காட்டக்கூடிய வகையான புத்தகம் இது.

ரஸ்ஸல் பாண்ட், வீட்டுப்பள்ளித் தந்தை

எரிக் எல்டரின் அணுகுமுறை அவரது சாட்சியைப் போலவே புத்துயிரூட்டுவதாக உள்ளது.

டிம் வில்கின்ஸ், நிர்வாக இயக்குநர், க்ராஸ் மினிஸ்ட்ரி

இறுதிக் களிப்பு எவ்வாறு உள்ளது என்பதை வெளிப்படுத்த மாட்டேன், ஆனால் இது உங்கள் எண்ணங்களை தலைகீழாக மாற்றிக் கொடுக்கும் என்பது உறுதி.

ஆல் லோரி, ஸாடில்பேக் சர்ச்சில் இசை ஊழியமான GIG-ன் நிறுவனர்

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தேவன்செக்ஸைப்பற்றிஎன்னசொல்கிறார்
எரிக்எல்டர்

அர்ப்பணிப்பு

நான் இந்தப் புத்தகத்தில் பகிர்ந்துள்ள விஷயங்களைக் கற்றுக்கொள்ளாமல் இருந்திருந்தால், ஒருவேளை பிறந்திருக்கவே வாய்ப்பில்லாத என் பிள்ளைகளுக்கு.

உள்ளடக்கப்பட்டியல்

• முன்னுரை எரிக் எல்டர்
• அத்தியாயம் 1 தேவன் ஏன் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கினார்
• அத்தியாயம் 2 தூய்மையாய் இருத்தல்
• அத்தியாயம் 3 சோதனையைச் சமாளித்தல்
• அத்தியாயம் 4 மீண்டும் தூய்மை பெறுதல்
• அத்தியாயம் 5 உங்கள் துணைவரை அறிதல்
• அத்தியாயம் 6 பிள்ளைகளை ஆசீர்வாதங்களாகக் காணுதல்
• அத்தியாயம் 7 தேவன் ஏற்படுத்தும் வேற்றுமை
• இணைப்பு செக்ஸ் என்றால் என்ன?

முன்னுரை
எரிக் எல்டர்

செக்ஸ் பற்றி தேவன் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்பது குறித்து நான் எழுதிய நூற்றுக்கணக்கான கடிதங்களையும், நான் நடத்திய உரையாடல்களையும் சுருக்கமாகத் தொகுக்கும் வழியாக இந்நூலைத் தொடங்கினேன். ஆனால் நான் முதல் வார்த்தையை எழுதுவதற்கு முன்பே, இந்நூலின் வாசகர்கள் யாராக இருக்கக்கூடும் என்று தேவனிடம் கேட்டேன். இந்த வார்த்தைகளை எழுதும்போது அவர்களை என் மனதில் காண விரும்பினேன்.

தயக்கமின்றி, தேவன் என் இருதயத்தில் பேசினார்: “இதை உன் பிள்ளைகளுக்காக எழுது.”

என்பிள்ளைகளா?!? என்று நான் நினைத்தேன். நான்நினைத்தது அதுவல்லவே!

தேவன் தீவிரமாகச் சொல்கிறார் என்பதை உணர்ந்தபோது, இப்பணியின்மேல் எனக்கிருந்த ஆவலும் ஊக்கமும் நூறு மடங்காக அதிகரித்தது. இந்நூலின் வாசகர்கள் இந்த வார்த்தைகளை விரும்பினாலும் விரும்பாவிட்டாலும் பொருட்படுத்தாத, பூமியின் மறுமுனையில் உள்ள வெறும் மனிதர்கள் அல்ல என்பதை உணர்ந்தேன். வாசகர்கள் என் சொந்த அருமையான பிள்ளைகளாகவே இருப்பார்கள்—பலருக்கும் ஏற்பட்ட வேதனையை அனுபவிக்காமல், செக்ஸின் பரிபூரணத்தை அனுபவிக்க நான் மிகவும் விரும்பும் பிள்ளைகள்.

பின்பு தேவன் என் இருதயத்தை மீண்டும் தூண்டினார்.

இந்நூல் மூலமாக அவரே சேரவிரும்பும் வாசகர்களும் அதே பேராயமாக இருப்பார்கள் என்பதை உணர்ந்தேன்: நீங்களே, அவருடைய அருமையானபிள்ளையாகியநீங்களே,பலருக்கும்ஏற்பட்டவேதனையை அனுபவிக்காமல்செக்ஸின்பரிபூரணத்தை அனுபவிக்க அவர்மிகவும்விரும்புகிறவர்.

இதை மனதில் கொண்டு, என் இருதயத்தின் ஆழத்திலிருந்து நான் எழுதிய இந்த வார்த்தைகளை வாசிக்க உங்களை அழைக்கிறேன். ஏனெனில் இவை என் அருமையான பிள்ளைகளுக்கு நான் கூறும் ஆவலான வார்த்தைகள் மட்டுமல்ல, உங்களுக்கு—அவருடைய அருமையான பிள்ளைக்கு—தேவன் கூறும் ஆவலான வார்த்தைகளும் ஆகும்.

எரிக்எல்டர்
தேவன் எதைப் பற்றியும் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்பதை எப்படி அறிவது

“வேதவாக்கியங்களெல்லாம் தேவ ஆவியினால் அருளப்பட்டிருக்கிறது, சத்தியம் இன்னதென்று நமக்குப் போதிக்கவும் பிரயோஜனமாயிருக்கிறது…”

2 தீமோத்தேயு 3:16அ

சில வருடங்களுக்கு முன்பு நான் தேவன்தூதர்களைப்பற்றிஎன்னசொல்கிறார் என்ற ஒரு பணியில் ஈடுபட்டிருந்தேன். ஒரு நாள், ஒருவர் என்னிடம் கேட்டார், “தேவதூதர்களைப் பற்றி தேவன் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்று உனக்கு எப்படி தெரியும்?”

அது ஒரு நல்ல கேள்வி. தேவதூதர்களைப் பற்றி தேவன் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்று எனக்கு எப்படித் தெரியும்? எதைப் பற்றியும் தேவன் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்று எனக்கு எப்படித் தெரியும்?

என்னைப் பொறுத்தவரை, “தேவனிடமிருந்து ஒரு வார்த்தை” தேடும்போதெல்லாம், நான் முதலில் பார்க்கும் இடம் வேதாகமம்தான்—அதில் எட்டு இலட்சத்திற்கும் மேற்பட்ட வார்த்தைகள் உள்ளன! வேதாகம வார்த்தைகள் எனக்கு ஊக்கமும் வழிகாட்டுதலும், நம்பிக்கையும் ஏவலும், நுண்ணறிவும் விளக்கமும் தந்திருக்கின்றன. உலகின் வேறெந்த புத்தகத்தையும் விட வேதாகமம் எனக்கு மிகுதியான நடைமுறை ஞானத்தைத் தந்திருக்கிறது.

இது உண்மையாக இருப்பதற்கு இரண்டு காரணங்கள் இருப்பதாக நான் நினைக்கிறேன்:

1) வேதாகமவார்த்தைகள்காலத்தின்சோதனையில்நின்றுநிலைத்திருக்கின்றன. இந்த வார்த்தைகள் தேவனுக்கு மிக நெருக்கமாய் இருந்த மனிதர்களால் எழுதப்பட்டவை—தேவனிடம் நேர்மையான கேள்விகளைக் கேட்டு, அவருடைய நேர்மையான பதில்களைக் கேட்டவர்கள். தேவன் சொன்னதைக் கேட்டு அதன்படி செய்ததால் அவர்கள் வாழ்க்கையில் நடந்தது அபாரமானது. அது எவ்வளவு அபாரமானது என்றால், ஆயிரக்கணக்கான ஆண்டுகளுக்குப் பிறகும் இன்றளவும், வேதாகமம் உலகிலேயே அதிகமாக வாசிக்கப்படும், பதிப்பிக்கப்படும், மொழிபெயர்க்கப்படும் புத்தகமாக இருக்கிறது.

2) வேதாகமவார்த்தைகள்சோதனையும்தவறும்நிறைந்தவாழ்க்கையிலும்நிலைத்துநின்றுள்ளன. என் சொந்த சோதனையும் தவறும்! வேதாகமத்தில் நான் வாசித்த ஒன்று என் சொந்த வாழ்க்கையில் பலனளிக்குமா என்று எண்ணும் ஒவ்வொரு முறையும், நான் அதைச் சோதித்துப் பார்த்திருக்கிறேன். தேவன் சொன்னதைக் கேட்டு அதன்படி செய்ததால் எனக்கு நடந்ததும் அபாரமானதே—இந்நூலில் நீங்கள் காணப்போவது போலவே.

வேதாகமத்தில் நான் வாசித்த நூற்றுக்கணக்கான காரியங்களை நடைமுறையில் செயல்படுத்திய பின், அப்போஸ்தலனாகிய பவுல் எழுதியதே எனது முடிவாகவும் அமைந்தது:

“வேதவாக்கியங்களெல்லாம் தேவ ஆவியினால் அருளப்பட்டிருக்கிறது, உபதேசத்துக்கும், கடிந்துகொள்ளுதலுக்கும், சீர்திருத்தலுக்கும், நீதியில்சிட்சிக்குதலுக்கும் பிரயோஜனமுள்ளதாயிருக்கிறது” (2 தீமோத்தேயு 3:16, NLT).

என் வாழ்க்கையின் வேறு எந்தத் துறையிலும் இது இவ்வளவு உண்மையாக இருந்ததில்லை—செக்ஸ் பற்றி தேவன் சொல்வதைத் தவிர.

செக்ஸைப் பற்றி முதன்முறையாகக் கற்றுக்கொள்ளும் உங்களில் சிலருக்கு ஒரு சிறப்பு வார்த்தை சொல்ல விரும்புகிறேன். இந்நூலின் இறுதியில் “செக்ஸ் என்றால் என்ன?” என்னும் ஒரு சிறப்பு அத்தியாயத்தை உங்களுக்காகவே எழுதியிருக்கிறேன். இந்நூலின்மற்றபகுதிகளுக்குச்செல்லும்முன்இந்தச்சிறப்பு அத்தியாயத்தைமுதலில்வாசிக்கவிரும்புவீர்கள்—ஏனெனில் அது உங்களுக்கு ஒரு நல்ல அடித்தளத்தைத் தரும்.

செக்ஸைப் பற்றி ஏற்கெனவே அறிந்திருக்கும் உங்களுக்கும், இந்தச் சிறப்பு அத்தியாயத்தை முதலில் வாசிக்க விரும்பலாம். செக்ஸை இப்படி விவரிப்பதை நீங்கள் கேட்பது இதுவே முதல் முறையாக இருக்கலாம், அது உங்கள் மீதமுள்ள வாழ்க்கை முழுவதற்கும் ஒரு நல்ல அடித்தளத்தைத் தரும்.அத்தியாயம் 1
தேவன்ஏன்செக்ஸைஉண்டாக்கினார்

“கர்த்தரில் மனமகிழ்ச்சியாயிரு; அப்பொழுது அவர் உன் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை உனக்குத் தந்தருளுவார்.”
சங்கீதம் 37:4

தேவன் ஏன் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கினார்? உலகின் மிகச் சிக்கலான செயல்முறைகளில் ஒன்றான—ஒரு பிள்ளையை உண்டாக்குதல்—அதை ஏன் இவ்வளவு எளிமையாக்கி, செக்ஸ் கல்வி வகுப்பு ஒன்றுகூடப் படிக்காமலேயே கிட்டத்தட்ட எவரும் அதைச் செய்யக்கூடியதாக ஆக்கினார்? நான் வேதாகமத்தைத் தேடிப்பார்த்தபோது, இரண்டு காரணங்களைக் கண்டேன்: செக்ஸ் மூலமாக, அவருடைய இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை நிறைவேற்றும் ஒரு வழியையும், அதே நேரத்தில் நம் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை நிறைவேற்றும் ஒரு வழியையும் தேவன் உண்டாக்கினார்.

அவருடைய இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்கள் என்ன? பூமியிலுள்ள முதல் தம்பதிக்குத் தேவன் பேசிய முதல் வார்த்தைகளில் அதை அறிகிறோம். அவர்கள் மேல் அவர் பேசிய முதல் வார்த்தைகள் செக்ஸைப் பற்றியே இருந்தன என்பது உங்களை வியப்பில் ஆழ்த்தலாம், ஆனால் அது உண்மைதான்! ஏதேன் தோட்டத்தில் ஆதாமையும் ஏவாளையும் நோக்கி தேவன் சொன்னதைப் பாருங்கள்:

“தேவன் அவர்களை ஆசீர்வதித்தார்; பலுகி பெருகி பூமியை நிரப்பி அதை அடக்கிக்கொள்ளுங்கள் என்று தேவன் அவர்களுடனே சொன்னார்” (ஆதியாகமம் 1:28அ).

பலுகி பெருகும்படி தேவன் அவர்களுக்குச் சொன்னார், மக்கள் பலுகிப் பெருகும் வழி செக்ஸ் மூலமாகவே.

வேதாகமம் சலிப்பூட்டுவதாக இருக்கலாம் என்று சிலர் நினைக்கலாம், ஆனால் நான் அதை வாசிக்கும் விதத்தில் அப்படியில்லை! இந்தத் தொடக்கக் காட்சியிலேயே, முற்றிலும் நிர்வாணமாக, ஒரு அற்புதமான சொர்க்கத்தின் நடுவே நின்றுகொண்டிருக்கும் இரண்டு பேர் இருக்கிறார்கள், அவர்களைப் படைத்தவர் அவர்களிடம் முதலில் சொல்வது, “தொடங்குங்கள்! பலுகுங்கள்! பெருகுங்கள்!” என்பதே! இந்தக் கோடையில் இப்படியொரு தொடக்கக் காட்சியுடன் ஒரு திரைப்படம் வெளிவந்தால், இளைஞர்களும் பெரியவர்களும் அதைப் பார்க்க வரிசையில் நிற்பார்கள் அல்லவா!

என் மனைவி லானாவும் நானும் அந்த வார்த்தைகளை மனதில் பதித்துக்கொண்டோம், ஆறு பிள்ளைகளுக்குப் பிறகும், பூமியிலுள்ள முதல் மனிதர்களிடம் தேவன் பேசிய அந்த முதல் வார்த்தைகளை நிறைவேற்றுவதில் இன்னும் அற்புதமான நேரத்தைக் கழிக்கிறோம்!

ஆதாமுக்கும் ஏவாளுக்கும் தேவன் சொன்ன வார்த்தைகள் அவருடைய இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களைப் பற்றி என்ன சொல்கின்றன? மேலோட்டமாகப் பார்த்தால், நாம் பலுகிப் பெருக வேண்டும் என்று அவர் விரும்புகிறார் என்பதைச் சொல்கின்றன. ஆனால் ஏன்? தேவன் ஏன் இவ்வளவு அதிகமான மக்களை விரும்புகிறார்?

ஏன்? ஏனெனில் தேவன் மக்களை நேசிக்கிறார். உங்களையும் என்னையும் உட்பட, அவர்களை அவர் முழுமையாக நேசிக்கிறார். தேவன் மக்களை மிகவும் நேசிக்கிறார், அதனால் பூமி அவர்களால் நிரம்பியிருக்க வேண்டும் என்று விரும்புகிறார். வேதாகமத்தின் மிகப் பிரபலமான வசனங்களில் ஒன்று சொல்கிறது, “தேவன்உலகத்தில்இவ்வளவாய் அன்புகூர்ந்தார்…” (யோவான் 3:16அ).

ஆதாமும் ஏவாளும் ஒரு சனிக்கிழமை இரவில் ஏதாவது செய்வதற்காக மட்டுமல்ல தேவன் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கினார்! பலுகிப் பெருக வேண்டும் என்று தேவன் அவர்களை விரும்பியது, அவர் மக்களை நேசிப்பதாலும், நம் ஒவ்வொருவருடனும் நெருக்கமான உறவு கொள்ள விரும்புவதாலும்தான். நீங்கள் பிறப்பதைக் காண தேவன் மிகவும் ஆவலாயிருந்தார், அதனால் உங்கள் பெற்றோர் ஒன்றுசேர்ந்து உங்களை உருவாக்குவதை முடிந்தவரை எளிதாகவும் கவர்ச்சிகரமாகவும் அவர் ஆக்கினார்.

என்இருதயத்தின்விருப்பங்கள்

ஆனால் ஆதாம் ஏவாள் கதையில் இன்னும் கொஞ்சம் பின்னோக்கிப் போனால், தன் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை நிறைவேற்றுவதற்காக மட்டும் தேவன் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கவில்லை என்பதைக் காண்பீர்கள். அவர்களது இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களையும் நிறைவேற்றும் வகையிலேயே அவர் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கினார்.

ஆதாமும் ஏவாளும் கொண்டிருந்த விருப்பங்களை தேவன் நிறைவேற்ற விரும்புகிறார் என்பதை நான் கண்டுபிடித்த நாளே, லானாவை மணந்துகொள்ளும்படி நான் கேட்ட நாளும் ஆகும்.

பல வருடங்களுக்கு முன்பு, இல்லினாய் பல்கலைக்கழகத்தில் நாங்கள் இருவரும் படிக்கும்போது லானாவும் நானும் சந்தித்தோம். ஆனால் பட்டம் பெற்றபின், நான் டெக்சாஸுக்குச் சென்றேன், அவள் மிச்சிகனுக்குச் சென்றாள். சில வருடங்களுக்குப் பிறகு, நாங்கள் மீண்டும் ஒன்றுசேர வேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறாரா என்று—இந்த முறை திருமணத்திற்காக—எண்ணினோம். எனவே இந்த முடிவைப் பற்றி இருவரும் சேர்ந்து ஜெபிக்கும்படி லானா டெக்சாஸுக்கு குடிபெயர்ந்தாள். ஒரு சனிக்கிழமை காலை, லானா என் அபார்ட்மென்ட்டிற்கு வந்தாள், நாங்கள் ஒரு நண்பர் ஓட்டப்பந்தயத்தில் ஓடுவதைப் பார்க்கச் சென்றோம். பந்தயத்திற்குப் பிறகு, எங்கள் நாளைத் தொடர்வதற்கு முன், தேவனுடன் அமைதியான நேரத்தைக் கழிக்க என் அபார்ட்மென்ட்டுக்குத் திரும்பினோம். லானா தன் வேதாகமத்துடன் வரவேற்பறைக்குச் சென்றாள், நான் என்னுடையதுடன் என் படுக்கையறைக்குச் சென்றேன்.

சில நாட்களுக்கு முன்புதான், என் வாழ்க்கையில் முதன்முறையாக முழு வேதாகமத்தையும் வாசித்து முடித்திருந்தேன், எனவே மீண்டும் எங்கிருந்து தொடங்குவது என்று தெரியவில்லை. தொடக்கத்திலிருந்தே மீண்டும் தொடங்க முடிவெடுத்தேன். வேதாகமத்தின் முதல் புத்தகத்தின் முதல் பக்கத்தைத் திறந்தேன். பூமியிலுள்ள முதல் மனிதனான ஆதாமைப் பற்றியும், நிலத்தை பண்படுத்தவும் மிருகங்களைப் பராமரிக்கவும் தேவன் அவனை ஏதேன் தோட்டத்தில் எப்படி வைத்தார் என்பதைப் பற்றியும் வாசிக்கத் தொடங்கினேன். ஆனால் இந்த அழகான சூழலின் நடுவே, எல்லாவகையான சிறந்த காரியங்களால் சூழப்பட்டிருந்தும், ஆதாம் இன்னும் தனியனாக இருப்பதைத் தேவன் கண்டார்:

“கர்த்தராகிய தேவன்: மனுஷன் தனிமையாயிருப்பது நல்லதல்ல, அவனுக்கு ஏற்ற துணையை உண்டாக்குவேன் என்றார்” (ஆதியாகமம் 2:18).

எனவே தேவன் ஆதாமைத் தூங்கச்செய்து, அவன் விலா எலும்பொன்றை எடுத்து, பூமியிலுள்ள முதல் பெண்ணாகிய ஏவாளை உண்டாக்கினார். பின்பு தேவன் அவளை ஆதாமிடம் கொண்டுவந்தார்.

சிறுவயதிலிருந்தே இந்தக் கதையைக் கேட்டிருந்தாலும், இதை தேவனுடைய பார்வையிலிருந்து நான் காண்பது இதுவே முதல் முறையாக இருந்தது. கதையை வாசித்தபோது, ஆதாம் எவ்வளவு தனிமையாயிருந்தான் என்று தேவன் கண்டபோது அவருடைய இருதயம் எப்படி கனத்திருக்குமோ, அப்படியே என் இருதயமும் கனத்தது. பின்பு, தேவன் ஏவாளை உண்டாக்கி ஆதாமிடம் கொண்டுவந்தபோது அவருடைய இருதயம் எப்படி மகிழ்ந்திருக்குமோ, அப்படியே என் இருதயமும் மீண்டும் மகிழ்ந்தது. ஆதாமின் முகத்தில் அன்று ஒரு மைல் அகலமான புன்னகை இருந்திருக்கும் என்று நான் உறுதியாக நம்புகிறேன்!

இந்தக் காட்சியை மனதில் உருவகித்தபோது, தேவன் என்னையும் அதே விதமாகக் கீழிருந்து பார்த்துக்கொண்டிருக்கிறார் என்ற ஆழ்ந்த உணர்வு திடீரென எனக்கு ஏற்பட்டது! எல்லாவகையான சிறந்த காரியங்களால் நான் சூழப்பட்டிருந்தும், நான் இன்னும் தனியனாகவே இருந்தேன். அந்த நேரத்தில், வார்த்தைகளுக்கு அப்பாற்பட்ட விதமாக தேவன் என் இருதயத்தில் பேசினார். எனக்காகவும் ஒரு பெண்ணை அவர் உண்டாக்கியிருக்கிறார் என்றும், அவளை எனக்கு அருகில்—அதே அடுத்த அறையிலேயே—கொண்டுவந்திருக்கிறார் என்றும் அவர் எனக்குக் காண்பித்தார்! பல மாதங்கள் ஜெபித்த பின், என் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை தேவன் நிச்சயமாக நிறைவேற்ற விரும்புகிறார் என்பதை நான் முடிவாக அறிந்துகொண்டேன். லானாவை நான் மணந்துகொள்ள வேண்டும் என்று அவர் மெய்யாகவே விரும்பினார்.

தேவன் எனக்குச் சொன்னதை லானாவிடம் சொல்ல நான் நடையைப் பாதையில் ஓடினேன். ஓடும்போது கண்ணாடியில் பார்க்க நான் நிற்கவில்லை, ஆனால் பார்த்திருந்தால், என் முகத்திலும் ஒரு மைல் அகலமான புன்னகை இருந்திருக்கும் என்று உறுதியாக நம்புகிறேன்! நாங்கள் பேசினோம், அழுதோம், நான் அவளை மணக்கும்படி கேட்டேன், அவள் “ஆம்!” என்றாள்.

சில மாதங்களுக்குப் பிறகு நாங்கள் திருமணமானபோது, நான் கேட்கவோ கற்பனை செய்யவோ முடியாத அளவிற்கு, நெருக்கத்திற்கான என் விருப்பத்தை தேவன் நிறைவேற்றியிருப்பதைக் கண்டேன். என் மனைவியுடனான பாலுறவு நெருக்கம் என் வாழ்க்கையின் தொடர்ச்சியாக மிகவும் மகிழ்ச்சிதரும், நினைத்துப் பார்க்க முடியாத அனுபவமாக இருந்திருக்கிறது!

இந்நூல் முழுவதிலும், தேவன் என் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை எப்படி நிறைவேற்றியிருக்கிறார் என்பதை மட்டுமல்ல, உங்கள் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களையும் தேவன் எவ்வளவு ஆவலாக நிறைவேற்ற விரும்புகிறார் என்பதையும் நான் உங்களுக்குச் சொல்ல விரும்புகிறேன்—ஏனெனில் அப்படிச் செய்வதன் மூலமாகவே, அவருடைய இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களையும் தேவன் நிறைவேற்றுகிறார்.

செக்ஸிற்கானதேவனுடையஇரட்டைநோக்கங்கள்

ஆதாம் ஏவாளின் வாழ்க்கையிலிருந்து இந்த இரண்டு காட்சிகளையும் ஒன்றாக வைத்துப் பார்க்கும்போது, செக்ஸை உண்டாக்குவதில் தேவனுடைய இரட்டை நோக்கங்களைப் பற்றிய ஒரு தெளிவான சித்திரம் கிடைக்கிறது:

நாம் நெருக்கமாக இருக்க தேவன் விரும்புகிறார்.

நாம் பலுகிப்பெருக தேவன் விரும்புகிறார்.

செக்ஸ் மூலமாக, நாம் இரண்டையும் ஒரேநேரத்தில் செய்யும் வழியை தேவன் உண்டாக்கியிருக்கிறார்.

சிறந்த பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையை நீங்கள் விரும்பினால், இந்தச் சித்திரத்தை உங்கள் மனதின் முன்னணியில் வைத்திருக்க வேண்டும். முதல் பார்வையில், கணவன்மார்களும் மனைவிமார்களும் நெருக்கமாகவும் பலுகிப்பெருகும் விதத்திலும் இருக்க தேவன் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கினார் என்பது தெளிவாகத் தெரியலாம். ஆனால் நானடங்கலாக பலர், தெளிவாகவே இல்லாத வழிகளில் செக்ஸில் ஈடுபட்டிருக்கிறோம். தேவன் நினைத்திருக்கும் கணவனோ மனைவியோ இருக்கட்டும், யாருடனும் நெருக்கத்தை உண்டாக்காத வழிகள். ஒருபோதும் உயிரை உருவாக்காத வழிகள். தங்களுடையதோ, மற்றொருவருடையதோ, அல்லது எதிர்பாராமல் கருத்தரிக்கப்பட்ட ஒரு பிள்ளையினுடையதோ மரணத்திற்கே கூட வழிநடத்தும் வழிகள்.

இந்நூலின் மூலம் நான் விரும்புவது, தெளிவாய் இருந்ததை மீண்டும் தெளிவாக்குவதே! மற்ற காரியங்கள் தேவனுடைய சத்தியத்தை நம் மனதில் எப்படி மறைக்கமுடியும் என்பதையும் நான் அறிவேன், ஆனால் நாம் நேர்மையாகத் தேடும்போது தேவனுடைய சத்தியம் எப்படி அந்த மேகங்களை உடைத்து விலக்கமுடியும் என்பதையும் அறிவேன்.

செக்ஸ் பற்றி தேவன் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்பதை நான் கண்டறியும்வரை, எனக்கென தேவன் ஏற்கெனவே திட்டமிட்டு வைத்திருந்த பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையின் சித்திரம் என் மனதில் தெரியவில்லை என்பதை நான் அறிவேன்—நான் அதைப் பிடித்துக்கொள்ள விரும்பினால், அவர் இன்னும் எனக்காக அதை நீட்டிக்கொண்டிருந்தார். நீங்களும் அதைப் பிடித்துக்கொள்ள விரும்பினால், அவர் இன்னும் உங்களுக்காகவும் அதை நீட்டிக்கொண்டிருக்கிறார்.

தேவன்உங்களுக்காகவிரும்புவது

நினைத்துப் பார்க்க முடியாத ஒரு பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையைப் பற்றிய தேவனுடைய சித்திரம் உங்களுடையதுடன் எப்படி பொருந்துகிறது? உங்கள் வாழ்க்கைக்கான தேவனுடைய நம்பிக்கைகளும் கனவுகளும் உங்கள் நம்பிக்கைகளும் கனவுகளும் எப்படி பொருந்துகின்றன? உங்கள் வாழ்க்கைக்கு தேவனுக்கு ஏதேனும் நம்பிக்கைகளும் கனவுகளும் உண்டா என்று நீங்கள் யோசிக்கக்கூடும். தேவனுடைய வார்த்தையிலிருந்து நான் கற்றுக்கொண்ட சத்தியங்கள் என்னைப் போலவும் இன்னும் பலரைப் போலவும், உங்கள் வாழ்க்கைக்கும் தேவனுக்கு நம்பிக்கைகளும் கனவுகளும் உண்டு என்பதை நீங்கள் காண உதவும் என்பதே என் ஜெபம்.

தேவன் உங்களுடன் பகிர விரும்புவதைப் பற்றி நான் மிகவும் உற்சாகமாக இருக்கிறேன். இந்த சத்தியங்களை தேவனுடைய வார்த்தையிலிருந்து என் பாலியல் வாழ்க்கைக்குப் பயன்படுத்திய வருடங்கள் முழுவதிலும், என் மனைவியுடனான என் பாலியல் உறவை நெருங்கக்கூடிய வேறு எந்த அனுபவமும் பூமியில் இல்லை என்பதைக் கண்டறிந்திருக்கிறேன்.

நீங்கள் இந்நூலை வாசித்துக்கொண்டிருக்கிறீர்கள் என்பதே, நீங்களும் இந்த வகையான பரிபூரண வாழ்க்கையை—உங்கள் கனவுகளும் விருப்பங்களும் தேவனுடையதுடன் முழுமையாக பொருந்தும் ஒரு வாழ்க்கையை—அனுபவிக்க விரும்புகிறீர்கள் என்று நினைக்கவைக்கிறது. நீங்கள் மெய்யாகவே “சரியானதைச்” செய்ய விரும்புகிறீர்கள் என்று நான் நம்புகிறேன், ஆனால் யாராவது தெளிவாக சத்தியத்தைப் பேசும் வரை “சரியானது” என்ன என்று அறிவது எவ்வளவு கடினமாக இருக்கமுடியும் என்பதையும் நான் அறிவேன்.

நீங்கள் விரும்புவதைவிட அதிகமாக உங்கள் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை நிறைவேற்ற தேவன் விரும்புகிறார் என்று நான் சொன்னால் நீங்கள் என்னை நம்புவீர்களா? இதுவரை நீங்கள் ஒரு சிறு தோற்றத்தை மட்டுமே கண்டிருக்கக்கூடிய, உங்கள் வாழ்க்கைக்கான விருப்பங்கள் தேவனுக்கு மெய்யாகவே உண்டு என்று சொன்னால்? கடைத்தெரு பத்திரிகையின் ஒரு பரபரப்பான தலைப்புச் செய்தி போலத் தெரிந்தாலும், நீங்கள் அற்புதமான பாலியல் வாழ்க்கை பெற வேண்டும் என்று தேவன் மெய்யாகவே விரும்புகிறார் என்பது உண்மைதான்! உங்கள் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை நிறைவேற்ற நீங்கள் ஆவலோடு பாடுபடும்போது, அவர்மெய்யாகவேஉங்களுக்குஆதரவாகஇருக்கிறார்,எதிராக அல்ல.

கீழே உள்ள மறுஆய்வு கேள்விகளைப் பார்க்கும்படி உங்களை அழைக்கிறேன். நீங்கள் முடித்தபின், செக்ஸைப் பற்றி தேவன் எனக்குத் தந்த சிறந்த ஞானங்களில் ஒன்றை நாம் பார்ப்போம்.

மறுஆய்வுகேள்விகள்

1. பூமியிலுள்ள முதல் தம்பதிக்கு தேவனுடைய முதல் வார்த்தைகள் என்ன? (ஆதியாகமம் 1:28)

2. தேவன் ஏன் ஏவாளை உண்டாக்கி ஆதாமிடம் கொண்டுவந்தார்? (ஆதியாகமம் 2:18)

3. இந்த இரண்டு காட்சிகளில் வெளிப்படும்படி, தேவன் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கிய இரட்டை நோக்கங்கள் என்ன?

4. உலகம் மக்களால் நிரம்பியிருக்க தேவன் ஏன் விரும்புவார்? (யோவான் 3:16)

அத்தியாயம் 2
தூய்மையாய்இருத்தல்

“மனுஷனும் அவன் மனைவியும் இருவரும் நிர்வாணமாயிருந்தும் வெட்கப்படவில்லை.”
ஆதியாகமம் 2:25

ஆதாம் ஏவாள் கதையின் அடுத்த வாக்கியத்திலேயே, சிறந்த பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையை அனுபவிப்பது எப்படி என்பதற்கான சிறந்த ஞானங்களில் ஒன்றை தேவன் நமக்குத் தருகிறார்:

“மனுஷனும் அவன் மனைவியும் இருவரும் நிர்வாணமாயிருந்தும் வெட்கப்படவில்லை” (ஆதியாகமம் 2:25).

ஒவ்வொரு தம்பதிக்கும் தேவனுடைய விருப்பம் இதுவே: அவர்களது திருமண நாளன்று—சடங்கு முடிந்து விருந்தினர்கள் திரும்பிச் சென்றபின்—மணமகனும் மணமகளும் தங்கள் திருமண உடைகளைக் களைந்து, மறைக்க எதுவுமின்றி, வெட்கம் எதுவுமின்றி, இறுதியாக ஒரே மாம்சமாக மாற முடிய வேண்டும். திருமணமான பின், அவர்கள் நிர்வாணமாயும் வெட்கமின்றியும் மீண்டும் மீண்டும் இப்படியே ஒன்றுசேர தொடர வேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார்.

இது கருத்தளவில் எளிதாகத் தோன்றினாலும், நமது ஹார்மோன்கள் செயல்படத் தொடங்கி, தேவன் தந்த பாலியல் விருப்பங்களைத் தூண்டியபின், நம் திருமண நாள்வரை காத்திருப்பது நீண்டதும் கடினமானதுமான ஒன்றாக இருக்கலாம். ஆனாலும் அந்தக் காத்திருப்பு பயனுள்ளதே, நாம் காத்திருக்க வேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புவது மட்டுமல்ல, காத்திருக்க அவர் நமக்கு உதவுவார் என்பதையும் தேவன் தெளிவுபடுத்துகிறார்.

தேவனுடையபாதுகாப்புமுத்திரை

மோசே இஸ்ரவேல் மக்களை எகிப்திலிருந்து வழிநடத்திய நாட்களில், ஒரு பெண் தன் திருமண நாளன்று கன்னியாக—அதாவது ஒருபோதும் செக்ஸ் வைத்திராதவளாக—இருந்தாளா என்பதை நிரூபிக்கும் ஒரு திருமண வழக்கம் இஸ்ரவேலரிடம் இருந்தது.

ஒரு பெண் முதன்முறையாக செக்ஸ் வைக்கும்போது, அவளது யோனியின் வாசலை ஓரளவு மூடியிருக்கும் ஹைமன் எனப்படும் மெல்லிய திசுச் சவ்வின் வழியாக ஆணின் ஆண்குறி அழுத்தமாகச் செல்கிறது. ஆண்குறி ஹைமனின் வழியாக முதன்முறையாகச் செல்லும்போது, ஹைமன் நீட்டி விரிவடையும்போது சிறிதளவு இரத்தம் வெளியேறும். இந்த நீட்சி ஒரு பெண்ணின் வாழ்நாளில் ஒரு முறை மட்டுமே நிகழும், பின்னர் ஹைமன் என்றென்றும் திறந்தே இருக்கும். ஹைமன் ஒரு மருந்துப் புட்டியின் பாதுகாப்பு முத்திரையைப் போன்றது: முத்திரை உடைந்தவுடன், அந்தப் புட்டி ஏற்கெனவே திறக்கப்பட்டுவிட்டது என்பது தெரிந்துவிடும்.

மோசேயின் காலத்தில், புதிதாக மணமான தம்பதி உடைந்த ஹைமனிலிருந்து வெளிவரும் இந்த முதல் இரத்தத்தை ஒரு துணித்துண்டில் காத்துவைப்பார்கள். இந்த துணி, திருமண நாளன்று அந்தப் பெண் மெய்யாகவே கன்னியாய் இருந்தாள் என்பதற்கான சான்றாக இருந்தது. ஒரு ஆண் தன் புதிய மனைவியுடன் செக்ஸ் வைத்து இந்த சான்று இல்லை என்று கண்டால், அவளைத் தன் தந்தையின் வீட்டிற்குத் திருப்பி அனுப்பி விரைவான, கடுமையான நீதிவழங்கும் உரிமை அவனுக்கு இருந்தது. இது தொடர்பான சட்டம் வேதாகமத்தில் இவ்வாறு பதிவாகியுள்ளது:

“குற்றச்சாட்டு உண்மையானதாகவும், பெண்ணின் கன்னித்தன்மைக்கான சான்று கிடைக்கவில்லையானாலும், அவளைத் தன் தந்தையின் வீட்டு வாசலுக்குக் கொண்டுவந்து, அவளது ஊர் ஆண்கள் அவளைக் கல்லெறிந்து கொல்லவேண்டும். தன் தந்தை வீட்டிலேயே இருந்தும் இழிதொழில் செய்து இஸ்ரவேலில் ஒரு அவமான காரியத்தைச் செய்திருக்கிறாள். இவ்வாறு உங்கள் நடுவிலிருந்து தீமையை அகற்றவேண்டும்” (உபாகமம் 22:20-21).

ஆணும் தன் திருமண நாளன்று கன்னியாக இருக்க வேண்டும் என எதிர்பார்க்கப்பட்டான். பாலுறவின்போது உடைந்து கன்னித்தன்மையை நிரூபிக்கும் ஹைமனுக்கு ஒப்பான ஒன்று ஆணின் உடலில் இல்லையென்றாலும், திருமணத்திற்கு முன் யாருடனும் ஆணும் செக்ஸ் வைக்கக்கூடாது என்பதை உபாகமம் 22-ன் மற்ற பகுதிகளில் விவரிக்கப்பட்டுள்ளது போல வேதாகமம் அதே தெளிவுடன் கூறுகிறது.

(இன்று சில பெண்கள் முதன்முறையாக உடலுறவு கொள்ளும்போது இரத்தப்போக்கு ஏற்படுவதில்லை என்பதை நினைவில் கொள்ளவும், குறிப்பாக விளையாட்டுகளில் ஈடுபட்டவர்கள் அல்லது டேம்பான் பயன்படுத்தியவர்கள். இத்தகைய செயல்பாடுகள் உடலுறவுக்கு முன்பே ஹைமனை நீட்டியிருக்கக்கூடும்.)

இந்தச் சட்டங்களை மீறுவதற்கு இன்று நாம் இனி மக்களைக் கொலைத்தண்டனை தராதிருப்பதற்குக் காரணம், அந்தச் சட்டங்கள் இனி செல்லுபடியாகாதவை என்பதோ, இனி மதிப்புள்ளவையல்ல என்பதோ அல்ல. நன்றியுடன் சொல்கிறேன், இயேசு பூமிக்கு வந்தபோது, நம் பாலியல் பாவங்கள் உட்பட நம் பாவங்களுக்கான விலையைத் தாமே செலுத்தினார், அதனால் அவரில் விசுவாசம் வைப்பவர் தாமே தண்டனையைச் சுமக்க வேண்டியதில்லை, மேலும் அவருடன் என்றென்றும் வாழவும் முடியும். தேவன் மக்களை எவ்வளவு நேசிக்கிறார் என்பதைப் பற்றி நான் முன்பு தொடங்கிய மேற்கோளை முடிக்க, வேதாகமம் சொல்கிறது:

“தேவன் தம்முடைய ஒரேபேறான குமாரனை விசுவாசிக்கிறவன் எவனோ அவன் கெட்டுப்போகாமல் நித்தியஜீவனை அடையும்படிக்கு, அவரைத் தந்தருளி, இவ்வளவாய் உலகத்தில் அன்புகூர்ந்தார்” (யோவான் 3:16).

சட்டம் இன்னும் செல்லுபடியாகும், மதிப்புள்ளதே என்றபோதிலும், நம்மை மிகவும் நேசித்ததால் நம் பாவங்களுக்கான தண்டனையை—மரணதண்டனை உட்பட—தாமே ஏற்றுக்கொள்ள இயேசு விரும்பினார் என்பதை அவர் தெளிவுபடுத்தினார்.

இதை விளக்கும் ஒரு கதையில், விபசாரத்தில்—அதாவது வேறொருவரின் கணவனுடன் செக்ஸ் வைத்த—பிடிபட்ட ஒரு பெண்ணை சிலர் இயேசுவிடம் கொண்டுவந்தனர். சட்டப்படி அவளைக் கல்லெறிந்து கொல்ல வேண்டுமா அல்லது விடுவிக்க வேண்டுமா என்று இயேசுவைக் கேட்டனர். இயேசுவைச் சிக்கவைக்க முயற்சிப்பதற்காகவே அவர்கள் இப்படிச் செய்தனர் என்று வேதாகமம் கூறுகிறது. அவருடைய பதில் அவருடைய ஞானத்தையும் அவர்களுடைய இருதயத்தின் தீமையையும் ஒரேசமயம் வெளிப்படுத்தியது:

“உங்களில் பாவமில்லாதவன் இவளை முதலாவது கல்லெறியக்கடவன்” (யோவான் 8:7ஆ).

ஆச்சரியமாக, அவர்கள் அனைவரும் தங்கள் கற்களைப் போட்டுவிட்டுச் சென்றுவிட்டனர். ஒவ்வொருவரும் தங்கள் வாழ்க்கையில் ஏதோ ஒரு நேரத்தில் பாவம் செய்திருக்கிறார்கள் என்பதை இயேசு அறிந்ததுபோலவே அவர்களும் அறிந்திருந்தார்கள். அவர்களுக்குத் தெரியாத ஒன்றையும் இயேசு அறிந்திருந்தார்: அவளுடைய பாவத்திற்கு—மட்டுமல்ல, அவர்களுடைய பாவங்களுக்கும், உங்களுடையதற்கும் என்னுடையதற்கும்—தாமே விரைவில் தண்டனையைச் செலுத்தப்போகிறார் என்பதை அவர் அறிந்திருந்தார். சட்டம் இன்னும் செல்லுபடியாகவே இருந்தது, விரைவில் அவருடைய மரணத்தால் நிறைவேற்றப்படவிருந்தது. ஆனால் அவளுடைய இடத்தை ஏற்று மன்னிப்பு அளித்ததால், இயேசு அவளுடைய உயிரையும் நீடித்தார், தேவன் அவளை முதலில் உண்டாக்கிய மற்ற நோக்கங்களை நிறைவேற்ற அவளுக்கு வழிவகுத்தார். மற்ற அனைவரும் அந்த இடத்தைவிட்டுச் சென்றபின், அவளைக் கிட்டத்தட்டக் கொல்லவைத்த பாவங்களைவிட்டுத் திரும்பும்படி இயேசு அந்தப் பெண்ணிடம் கேட்டார்:

“பெண்ணே, அவர்கள் எங்கே? உன்னை ஆக்கினைக்குள்ளாகத் தீர்த்தவன் ஒருவனும் இல்லையா?”

“ஆண்டவரே, ஒருவனும் இல்லை” என்று அவள் சொன்னாள்.

“நானும் உன்னை ஆக்கினைக்குள்ளாகத் தீர்க்கிறதில்லை; நீ போ, இனிப் பாவஞ்செய்யாதே” என்று இயேசு சொன்னார்.

(யோவான் 8:10ஆ-11)

நம் திருமண நாளன்று பாலியல் தூய்மையாய் இருப்பதற்கான தேவனுடைய எதிர்பார்ப்பும் அதன் மகத்தான மதிப்பும், மோசேயின் காலத்தில் இருந்த மக்களுக்கு இருந்தது போலவே இன்று நமக்கும் அப்படியே தொடர்கிறது. திருமணத்திற்குள் மிகச் சிறந்த பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையை அனுபவிக்க, முதல் படி திருமணத்திற்குமுன்தூய்மையாய்இருப்பதே. அதை நாம் எப்படிச் செய்யமுடியும்? தேவன் அதையும் நமக்குச் சொல்கிறார்.

ஒருதிருப்புமுனைஉரையாடல்

நான் லானாவை மணப்பதற்கு சில மாதங்களுக்கு முன், பாலியல் உறவுகள் தொடர்பாக மக்களுக்கு தொடர்ந்து ஆலோசனை வழங்கிவந்த ஒரு மனிதருடன் ஒரு சிறிய, ஆனால் திருப்புமுனையான உரையாடலை நான் நடத்தினேன். எனது வரவிருக்கும் திருமணத்தை தேவன் விரும்பியபடி முழுமையாக இருக்கும்படி பாதுகாக்கும் வழிகளைப் பற்றி கேட்க அவரை அழைத்தேன்.

எங்கள் உரையாடலின் முதல் சில நிமிடங்களிலேயே, அவருடைய வார்த்தைகள் என் திருமணத்திற்கு தங்கத் துணுக்குகள் போல இருக்கப்போகின்றன என்பதை நான் உணர்ந்தேன். லானாவுடனான என் தற்போதைய உடல்உறவைப் பற்றி அவர் கேட்டபோது முதல் துணுக்கு தோன்றியது. நாங்கள் முத்தமிட்டோமா, கைகோர்த்தோமா, மற்ற வழிகளில் காதலோடு ஒருவரையொருவர் தொட்டோமா? நாங்கள் அப்படிச் செய்தோம் என்று நான் சொன்னேன். பின்பு அவள் வேறொருவரின் மனைவியாக இருந்தால், இப்படி நான் அவளைத் தொடுவேனா என்று அவர் என்னைச் சவாலுக்கு உள்ளாக்கினார். இல்லை, நிச்சயமாக இல்லை! அப்படியானால் திருமணத்திற்கு முன் ஏன் இப்படி அவளைத் தொடுவேன் என்று அவர் கேட்டார். ஏனெனில், உண்மையில் நாங்கள் மெய்யாகவே திருமணமாகும் நாள்வரை, எங்களில் யாரும் வேறொருவரின் கணவனாகவோ மனைவியாகவோ ஆவது இன்னும் சாத்தியமாகவே இருந்தது. எங்கள் வரவிருக்கும் திருமணத்திற்கான உறுதிமொழியில் நான் எவ்வித தயக்கத்தையும் உணராவிட்டாலும், எதுவும் நடக்கக்கூடும் என்பதையும் இந்த மனிதர் எனக்கு உண்மையைச் சொல்கிறார் என்பதையும் நான் அறிந்தேன்.

எங்கள் நண்பர் ஒருவர் தன் சகோதரனைப் பற்றிய ஒரு சோகமான நிலைமையை சமீபத்தில் எங்களிடம் கூறினார். அவன் தான் கனவு கண்ட பெண்ணை மணக்க நிச்சயிக்கப்பட்டிருந்தான், ஆனால் திருமணத்திற்கு ஒரு மாதத்திற்கு முன், சோதனைக்கு அடிபணிந்து—தான் கனவு கண்ட பெண்ணுடன் அல்ல—அவளைத் தொடர்ந்து பயனற்ற முயற்சிகள் செய்துவந்த அவளுடைய சகோதரியுடன் செக்ஸ் வைத்தான். பின்பு அவன் தான் செய்ததைப் பற்றி மிகவும் மோசமாக உணர்ந்தான், ஆனால் அவனுடைய வருங்கால மனைவி அவனை மன்னித்தாள், அவர்கள் தங்கள் திருமணத் திட்டங்களைத் தொடர்ந்தார்கள். துரதிர்ஷ்டவசமாக, திருமணத்திற்குச் சில நாட்களுக்கு முன், அந்தச் சகோதரி இந்த ஆணின் பிள்ளையை கருவுற்றிருப்பதைக் கண்டறிந்தாள். இப்போது என்ன செய்வது என்று குழம்பிய நிலையில், பிள்ளைக்கு ஒரு தந்தை கிடைக்கவேண்டும் என்பதற்காக அவன் அந்தச் சகோதரியை மணந்துகொண்டான். இன்னும் சோகமாக, திருமணத்திற்குப் பிறகு விரைவில் அந்தச் சகோதரிக்குக் கருச்சிதைவு ஏற்பட்டது, அவன் திட்டமிடாத ஒரு திருமணத்திலும், எதிர்பாராமல் கருவுற்ற பிள்ளை கருச்சிதைவால் இறந்ததிலும், தான் கனவு கண்ட பெண் தனியே விடப்பட்டதிலும் முடிந்தது. ஒரு மாதத்திற்குள் “நிச்சயமாக” திருமணமாகவிருந்த இருவருக்குக்கூட இது தவிர்க்கக்கூடிய, இருதயத்தை உடைக்கும் கதை. திருமணத்திற்கு முன் என்ன நடக்கும் என்பது நமக்குத் தெரியாது என்பதே உண்மை.

இன்னொரு பெண் தான் தன் காதலனுடன் சேர்ந்து வாழ்ந்து வருவதாகவும், முழுமையான உடலுறவில் ஈடுபடாவிட்டாலும், அவளுடைய சொற்களில் “செக்ஸை நகல்செய்வதாக” இருந்ததாகவும் எனக்கு எழுதினாள். எதிர்காலத்தில் ஒரு நாள் திருமணமாக விரும்பினர், ஆனால் இப்போதைக்கு இல்லை. திருமணத்திற்கு முன் இந்த வகையான பாலியல் தொடர்பு தவறு என்று சில கிறிஸ்தவர்கள் கருதுவதாகக் கேள்விப்பட்டதாக அவள் சொன்னாள், ஆனால் இது தவறு எனில் தனக்கு நிறைய விளக்கம் தேவை என்றாள், ஏனெனில் அவள் தன் காதலனின் பாசத்தை மிகவும் ஏங்கினாள், தான் நேசிப்பவரைத் தொடுவது இயற்கையானது என்று உணர்ந்தாள்.

அந்த நாள் நான் எங்கள் வீட்டு நுழைவாசலுக்கு ஒரு சிறிய தரைவிரிப்பு வாங்கச் சென்றிருந்ததால், தேவனுடைய பார்வையிலிருந்து இந்தப் பிரச்சினையைப் பார்க்க அவளுக்கு உதவும் விதமாக என் கடைச் சந்திப்பு அனுபவத்தை உதாரணமாகப் பயன்படுத்தினேன். ஒரு தரைவிரிப்பை அடுக்கிலிருந்து எடுத்து அது கடையின் தரையில் எப்படிக் காணப்படுகிறது என்று பார்க்கும்போதெல்லாம், என் இரு இளைய மகன்களும் உடனே அதன் மேல் நடக்கத் தொடங்குவார்கள். அது இன்னும் நம்முடையது இல்லாததால் எந்தத் தரைவிரிப்பின் மேலும் அடியெடுத்து வைக்கவேண்டாம் என்று நான் அவர்களுக்குத் தொடர்ந்து சொல்லிக்கொண்டிருந்தேன். மற்றவர்களின் காலணிகளால் நடக்கப்பட்டு அழுக்காகிவிட்ட தரைவிரிப்பை வேறு யாரும் வாங்க விரும்பமாட்டார்கள் என்று நான் நினைத்தேன். நானும் விரும்ப மாட்டேன் என்பது நிச்சயம்!

நடக்கும்படியே வடிவமைக்கப்பட்ட ஒரு தரைவிரிப்பையே இன்னும் நம்முடையதாகும் முன் இப்படி நடத்த வேண்டுமெனில், இன்னும் நம்முடையதாகாத ஒருவரின் அருமையான, மென்மையான உடலை நாம் எப்படி நடத்த வேண்டும் என்று நான் அவளிடம் சொன்னேன். அது நம்முடையது இல்லையெனில், ஒருநாள் நம்முடையதாகும் என்று நம்பினாலும், நம்முடையதே போல நடந்துகொள்ளக்கூடாது. கவுண்டரில் சென்று உரிய விலை செலுத்தும்வரை ஒரு தரைவிரிப்பை நம்முடையதுபோல நடத்தமாட்டோம், “மரணம் நம்மைப் பிரிக்கும்வரை” என்று ஒருவருக்கொருவர் வாழ்க்கையை அர்ப்பணித்து மணமேடையை நடந்துசெல்லும்வரை மற்றொருவரை நம்முடையதுபோல நடத்தக்கூடாது. அப்போதுதான்—அப்போது மட்டுமே—நாம் கணவனும் மனைவியுமாகி ஒருவருக்கொருவர் சொந்தமாகிறோம், முதலாம் கொரிந்தியர் புத்தகத்தில் வேதாகமம் விவரிப்பதுபோல:

“மனைவியின் சரீரத்தின்மேல் அவளுக்கு அதிகாரமில்லை, அதின் அதிகாரம் புருஷனுக்கே உண்டு; அப்படியே புருஷனுடைய சரீரத்தின்மேலும் அவனுக்கு அதிகாரமில்லை, அதின் அதிகாரம் மனைவிக்கே உண்டு” (1 கொரிந்தியர் 7:4).

அன்பைத்தூண்டுவதற்குகாத்திருத்தல்

ஒருவருக்கொருவர் சொந்தமாயிருக்கும் இந்த உணர்வு கணவன் மனைவிக்கிடையே திருமணத்திற்குள்ளேயே கிடைக்கிறது.

இது உண்மையெனில், திருமணத்திற்கு முன் ஒருவருடனான நமது உடல் உறவில் எங்கு எல்லைகோடு வரைவது? வேறொருவரின் கணவனுடனோ மனைவியுடனோ நாம் வரையும் இடத்திலேயே அதை வரைவதே பாதுகாப்பானது. வேறொருவரின் மனைவியை நான் காதலோடு முத்தமிடுவேனா? என் கை அவளுடைய முழங்காலில் தங்கியிருக்க விடுவேனா? அவள் ஆடையணிந்திருந்தாலும் நிர்வாணமாயிருந்தாலும் அவளுடைய மார்பையோ பின்புறத்தையோ தொடுவேனா? அவளை எந்த வகையிலும் பாலியல் தூண்டலுக்கு உள்ளாக்குவேனா, அல்லது என்னையும் அப்படிச் செய்யவிடுவேனா—முழு உடலுறவாகவோ, “நகல் செய்யும்” செயலாகவோ இருந்தாலும்? நிச்சயமாகஇல்லை! மேலும், நான் திருமணம் செய்யும் முன் என் வருங்கால மனைவியை வேறு ஒருவர் இப்படித் தொடுவதை நான் விரும்புவேனா?

வேதாகமத்தின் மிக அழகான காதல் புத்தகங்களில் ஒன்றான உன்னதப்பாட்டில், அந்நூலின் காதலர்களில் ஒருவர் மீண்டும் மீண்டும் எச்சரிக்கிறார்:

“எருசலேமின் குமாரத்திகளே, காட்டு வெண்மான்களையும் மான்பிணைகளையும் முன்னிட்டு, நீங்கள் நேரம் வருமட்டும் அன்பைத் தூண்டாதிருக்கும்படி உங்களுக்கு ஆணையிடுகிறேன்” (உன்னதப்பாட்டு 2:7ஆ, 3:5ஆ, 8:4ஆவிலும்).

நேரம் வருமட்டும் காதலான அன்பையே தூண்டவேண்டாம் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார். ஓர் உறவில் அன்பு தூண்டப்பட்டதும், மீண்டும் பின்வாங்குவது நம் இருதயங்களைக் கிழிக்காமல் மிகவும் கடினமாகிவிடும்.

தான் மணக்காத ஒரு ஆணுடன் வாழ்ந்துவந்த இன்னொரு பெண்ணிடம் நான் பேசினேன். இந்த ஆண் அவளை மிகவும் மோசமாக நடத்தினான் என்று அவள் சொன்னாள், ஆனால் அவள் ஏற்கெனவே அவனுடன் ஈடுபட்டுவிட்டதால் அதிலிருந்து எப்படி வெளியேறுவது என்று தெரியவில்லை. என்ன செய்யவேண்டும் என்று அவள் என்னிடம் கேட்டாள். “இந்த உறவை இப்போதே நிறுத்து. உன் வீட்டைவிட்டு அவனைச் செல்லச்சொல். உன் வாழ்நாள் முழுவதும் அதைப் பாதுகாக்க உறுதிபூணாத ஒருவரிடம் உன் இருதயத்தை கொடுக்காதே!” என்று நான் அவளிடம் சொன்னேன். தான் என்ன செய்துகொண்டிருந்தாள் என்பது அவளுக்குத் தெளிவானது. துரதிர்ஷ்டவசமாக, உடனே அந்த உறவை நிறுத்துவதற்குப் பதிலாக, அவனை வெளியேறச் சொல்ல அவளுக்கு இன்னும் ஒரு மாதம் ஆனது. இன்னொரு சோகமான திருப்பத்தில், அவன் இறுதியில் சென்றபின், அவர்களது கடைசி மாதத்தில் அவனுடைய பிள்ளையைத் தான் கருவுற்றிருந்ததை அவள் கண்டறிந்தாள். அவள் அதைக் கண்டறியும்போது, தந்தை ஏற்கெனவே சென்றுவிட்டிருந்தான்.

தயவுசெய்து, நேரம் வருமுன் அன்பைத் தூண்டும் எதையும் செய்யாதீர்கள்.

நண்பர்களுக்கு நட்பான அணைப்பையோ வாழ்த்துக்கான “பரிசுத்த முத்தத்தையோ” கொடுக்கக்கூடாது என்பது இதன் பொருளல்ல. ஆனால் ஒரு நட்பான அணைப்புக்கும் காதலான, பாலியல் தூண்டும் அணைப்பு அல்லது முத்தத்திற்கும் பெரும் வேறுபாடு உண்டு. உங்கள் கணவனையோ மனைவியையோ தவிர வேறு எவருடனும் பாலியல் தூண்டலை ஏற்படுத்தும் எந்தச் செயலும் தேவையற்றது, பயனற்றது, மேலும் தீங்கு விளைவிக்கக்கூடியது. “இதனால் என்ன தீங்கு நேரும்?” என்று நீங்கள் கேட்கலாம். அது ஒரு நல்ல கேள்வி. நான் இப்போது தந்த உதாரணங்களைப் போலவே, அது நிறைய தீங்கு விளைவிக்கக்கூடும்! கருவுறுதலோ நோய்களோ இல்லாவிட்டாலும், “நேரம் வருமட்டும்” உங்கள் கணவனையோ மனைவியையோ தவிர வேறு எவருடனும் “அன்பைத் தூண்டாமல்” இருக்கவேண்டியதற்குப் போதுமான அளவு உங்கள் இருதயத்திற்கு ஏற்படும் சேதம் தீவிரமானது. திருமணத்திற்கு முந்தைய பாலியல் உறவுகளைப் பற்றி மக்கள் என்னிடம் சொல்லும் முக்கிய வருத்தங்களில் ஒன்று, அந்த நினைவுகளை அவர்கள் திருமணத்திற்குள் கொண்டுவருகிறார்கள் என்பதே—அந்த நினைவுகள் அவர்களுடைய துணைவருடனான அழகான உறவில் தலையீடு செய்கின்றன, அவற்றை அழிக்கவும் முடியாது.

இதனால் என்ன தீங்கு நேரும்? நிறையவே. ஆனால் இன்னும் சிறந்த கேள்வி இருக்கிறது: “இதனால் என்ன நன்மை கிடைக்கும்?” தேவன் உங்களுக்காக உண்டாக்கிய கணவனுடனோ மனைவியுடனோ நெருக்கத்தை உருவாக்கவோ பலனளிக்கவோ—தேவன் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கிய இரு நோக்கங்களில் ஒன்றையும் நிறைவேற்றாத பாலியல் செயல்பாடுகளில் ஈடுபடுவது, இப்போதோ பின்னாளிலோ, உங்களுக்கோ மற்றவர்களுக்கோ அழிவை ஏற்படுத்துவதற்கான வாய்ப்பே அதிகம்.

ஒருசிறுதடயம்கூடவேண்டாம்

ஒரு தரைவிரிப்பு உங்களுக்கானதா என்று பார்க்க அதன்மேல் நடக்கவேண்டிய அவசியமில்லை. நீங்கள் அதை வாங்குவதற்கு உறுதி செய்யும் முன், அதைப் பார்க்கலாம், ரசிக்கலாம், கவனமாக ஆராயலாம் கூட, ஆனால் அதன்மேல் நடக்கவோ, அழுக்காக்கவோ, அல்லது வேறு எவரும் அதை விரும்பாத அளவுக்கு சேற்றால் அசுத்தமாக்கவோ தேவையில்லை—துரதிர்ஷ்டவசமாக பல பாலியல் தொடர்புகளில் இது நடக்கிறது.

அப்படியானால், நமது உடல் உறவுகளில் எங்கு எல்லைகோடு வரைவது? நமக்குள் பாலியல் ஒழுக்கக்கேட்டின் ஒருதடயம்கூட இருக்கக்கூடாது என்று வேதாகமம் சொல்கிறது:

“விபசாரமானாலும், மற்ற எந்த அசுத்தமானாலும், பொருளாசையானாலும், இவைகளின் பேர் உங்களுக்குள் பிரஸ்தாபமாகக்கூடாது; பரிசுத்தவான்களுக்கு ஏற்றபடியே இப்படியிருக்கவேண்டும்” (எபேசியர் 5:3).

இந்த மனிதருடனான என் உரையாடல் லானாவுடனான என் உறவைப் பற்றி எனக்குப் புதிய பார்வையைத் தந்தது. சில மாதங்களுக்குப் பிறகு நானும் அவளும் திருமணத்திற்கு நிச்சயிக்கப்பட்டிருந்தாலும், எங்கள் உடல் உறவில் “தடய” கட்டத்தையும் தாண்டிச் சென்றிருந்தாலும், மீதமுள்ள மாதங்களில் நாங்கள் இருவரும் ஒருவரையொருவர் வேறொருவரின் கணவனாகவோ மனைவியாகவோ நடத்துவதுபோல் உடல்ரீதியாகப் பின்வாங்குவது முக்கியம் என்று நான் உணர்ந்தேன்—ஏனெனில் சாத்தியம் எவ்வளவு தொலைவாகத் தோன்றினாலும், எங்கள் திருமண நாள்வரை, எங்களில் யாரும் வேறொருவரின் கணவனாகவோ மனைவியாகவோ ஆகும் வாய்ப்பு இன்னும் இருந்தது. தூரம் காப்பது எளிதாக இல்லை, நாங்கள் அதில் முழுமையாகவும் வெற்றிபெறவில்லை, குறிப்பாக நாங்கள் ஏற்கெனவே அந்த எல்லைகளைக் கடந்திருந்ததால். ஆனாலும், திருமணத்தில் போதகர் இறுதியாக, “மணமகளை முத்தமிடலாம்!” என்று சொல்லும் அந்தத் தருணம்வரை லானாவை மீண்டும் முத்தமிடக்கூட காத்திருப்பதில் மதிப்பு இருப்பதாக நான் கண்டேன்.

அந்தத் தருணம் இறுதியாக வந்தபோது, லானாவை முத்தமிடுவது எவ்வளவு அற்புதமான தருணமாக இருந்தது, திருமணம் கணவன் மனைவிக்குத் தரும் அனைத்து உரிமைகளுடனும் சிறப்புரிமைகளுடனும் விரைவில் நான் அவளை முழுமையாக அணைக்கமுடியும் என்பதை அறிந்திருந்ததால். திருமணத்திற்கு முன் பாலியல் ஒழுக்கக்கேட்டின் தடயம் கூட இல்லாதிருக்க வேண்டுமென்று வேண்டுமென்றே முயற்சி செய்ததால், தனிமையிலிருந்து திருமணத்திற்கான மாற்றம் இன்னும் இனிமையாக இருந்தது.

மறுஆய்வுகேள்விகள்

1. ஆதாமும் ஏவாளும் இருவரும் நிர்வாணமாயிருந்தும் முதன்முதலில் ஒன்றாயிருந்தபோது அவர்கள் எதை உணரவில்லை? (ஆதியாகமம் 2:25)

2. மோசேயின் நாட்களில், ஒரு ஆணோ பெண்ணோ திருமணத்திற்கு முன் செக்ஸ் வைத்திருந்தால் சட்டம் என்ன செய்யவேண்டும் என்று சொன்னது? (உபாகமம் 22:20-21, உபாகமம் 22:29)

3. இந்தச் சட்டங்களுக்கான தண்டனைகளை நாம் இனி ஏன் நிறைவேற்றுவதில்லை? அவை இனி செல்லுபடியாகாததாலா அல்லது மதிப்பற்றதாலா? அல்லது வேறு ஏதேனும் காரணத்தினாலா? (யோவான் 8:1-11)

4. நம் வாழ்க்கையில் “ஒரு தடயம் கூட” இருக்கக்கூடாது என்று தேவன் விரும்பாதது எது? (எபேசியர் 5:3)

அத்தியாயம் 3
சோதனையைச்சமாளித்தல்

“நீங்கள் சோதிக்கப்படும்போது, அதைத் தாங்கக்கூடிய ஒரு தப்பும் வழியையும் அவர் உண்டாக்குவார்.”
1 கொரிந்தியர் 10:13ஆ

ஆதாமும் ஏவாளும் அதிர்ஷ்டசாலிகள் அல்லவா? திருமணத்திற்கு முன் தூய்மையாய் இருப்பதைப் பற்றி அவர்கள் நினைக்கவே தேவையில்லை. தேவன் ஏவாளை ஆதாமின் மடியில் வைத்துவிட்டார், அவர்கள் ஒருவருக்கொருவர் ஏற்படுத்தப்பட்டவர்கள் என்று தெரிந்திருந்தது, தேவன் பலுகிப் பெருகச் சொன்னார்!

இதைவிட எப்படி அதிர்ஷ்டசாலியாக இருக்கமுடியும்?

ஆனால் தூய்மையாய் இருப்பது ஆதாமுக்கும் ஏவாளுக்குமே எளிதாக இருக்கவில்லை, நமக்குள் எவருக்குமே இது எளிதல்ல.

அவர்கள் கதையின் அடுத்த வாக்கியத்திலேயே, சாத்தான் காட்சிக்கு வந்து கேள்விகள் கேட்கத் தொடங்கினான்: “தேவன்மெய்யாகவேசொன்னாரா…?”

நம்மை வீழ்த்துவதற்கான சாத்தானின் மிகச் செயல்திறன்மிக்க உத்திகளில் இதுவும் ஒன்று: தேவன் சொன்னது அந்நேரத்தில் முற்றிலும் தெளிவாக இருந்திருந்தாலும், தேவன் சொன்னதை நம்மைக் கேள்விக்குள்ளாக்கச் செய்வது. தோட்டத்திலுள்ள எந்த மரத்தின் கனியையும் ஆதாம் சாப்பிடலாம் என்று, ஒரு மரத்தைத் தவிர—ஏனெனில் அதிலிருந்து சாப்பிட்டால் அவன் சாவான் என்று—தேவன் ஆதாமிடம் சொல்லியிருந்தார். பின்பு சாத்தான் அவர்களிடம் எளிதாகக் கேட்டான்:

“தோட்டத்திலுள்ள சகல விருட்சத்தின் கனியையும் நீங்கள் புசிக்கவேண்டாம் என்று தேவன் மெய்யாகவே சொன்னாரா?” (ஆதியாகமம் 3:1ஆ).

இல்லை, தேவன் மெய்யாகவே சொன்னது இதுவல்ல (ஆதியாகமம் 3-ஐப் பாருங்கள்), ஆனால் ஆதாமையும் ஏவாளையும் எச்சரிக்கையின்றி பிடிக்கப் போதுமானதாக அது இருந்தது. அவர்கள் விரும்பியதைப் பெறுவதற்கு, தேவன் மெய்யாகவே சொன்னதைச் சுற்றிச் செல்லும் ஒரு வழி இருக்கலாமா என்று அவர்கள் எண்ணத் தொடங்கினர். ஆரம்பத்தில் அவர்கள் அதை எதிர்த்தாலும், இறுதியில் அதற்கு அடிபணிந்தனர்.

நானும் அப்படியே ஆனேன்.

தேவனுடையநோக்கத்தைஊகித்தல்

சபைக்குச் சென்று வளர்ந்தாலும், உயர்நிலைப் பள்ளிக்குச் சென்றபோது, என் பாலியல் விருப்பங்களில் திளைக்க வேண்டும் என்ற ஆசைக்கும் அது தவறு என்ற அறிவுக்கும் இடையே நான் கிழிக்கப்பட்டேன். சிறிது சிறிதாக நான் அடிபணியத் தொடங்கினேன். கல்லூரியில் பட்டம் பெறும் நேரத்திற்குள், பாலியல் இச்சைப்படும் பாதையில் நான் நன்றாகவே சென்றுவிட்டிருந்தேன்.

லானாவும் இதேபோன்ற ஒரு பாதையைப் பின்பற்றினாள். அவள் காதலிக்கத் தொடங்கியபோது, அவள் சந்தித்த ஆண்களுடன் உடல்ரீதியாக எங்கு எல்லைகோடு வரைய தேவன் விரும்புகிறார் என்பது அவளுக்கு உறுதியாகத் தெரியவில்லை. உடல் உறவில் ஒரு புதிய எல்லையை நெருங்கும்போதெல்லாம், அதைக் கடக்கவேண்டுமா வேண்டாமா என்று அவள் எண்ணுவாள். ஒவ்வொரு முறையும் தேவன் அவள் மகிழ்ச்சியாய் இருக்கவேண்டும் என்று விரும்புகிறார் என்ற முடிவுக்கு அவள் திரும்பிவருவாள்—அவள் செய்துகொண்டிருந்தது அவளை மெய்யாகவே மகிழ்ச்சியாக்கியது! எனவே தான் செய்துகொண்டிருந்தது சரியாகத்தான் இருக்கவேண்டும் என்று அவள் ஊகித்தாள்.

ஒரு எல்லையைக் கடப்பதை நியாயப்படுத்த முடிந்தவுடன், அடுத்த எல்லையைக் கடப்பது எளிதாகிவிடுகிறது என்பதை லானாவும் நானும் கண்டறிந்தோம். திருமணத்திற்கு முன் யாருடனும் முழுமையான உடலுறவில் ஈடுபடாதபடி கருவுறுதலின் அச்சம் எங்களைத் தடுத்தாலும், நாங்கள் செய்துகொண்டிருந்த காரியங்கள் எதிர்காலத்தில் ஏற்படக்கூடிய உடல் பிரச்சினைகளுக்கும்—நிச்சயமான இருதயவேதனைக்கும் எங்களைத் தயார்படுத்திக்கொண்டிருந்தன என்பதை நாங்கள் புரிந்துகொள்ளவில்லை—இரண்டையுமே தவிர்க்கமுடிந்திருக்கும்.

லானா மகிழ்ச்சியாய் இருக்கவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் மெய்யாகவே விரும்பினார் என்பதில் அவள் சரியே! ஆனால் மெய்யாக மகிழ்ச்சியாய் இருக்கும் வழி மெய்யாகப் பரிசுத்தமாய் இருப்பதே—தேவனுடைய பார்வையிலும் உங்கள் சொந்தப் பார்வையிலும் தூய்மையாய் இருப்பதே. ஆதாமும் ஏவாளும் கண்டறிந்ததுபோல, மகிழ்ச்சியடைவது எப்படி என்பது பற்றி தேவன் மெய்யாகச் சொல்வதைக் கண்டறியாமல், தேவன் என்ன சொல்லக்கூடும் என்று நாம் வெறுமனே ஊகிக்கும்போது, நாம் மகிழ்ச்சியைத் தரும் என்று நினைத்தது மிகக் குறுகிய காலம் மட்டுமே நீடிக்கும்—நாம் கற்பனை செய்ததைவிட அதிக துயரத்தையும் ஏற்படுத்தக்கூடும்.

இரண்டுகேள்விகள்

நமது மனித பார்வையிலிருந்து, மக்கள் ஈடுபடும் சில பாலியல் செயல்பாடுகள் செக்ஸை தெளிவாகத் தவறாகப் பயன்படுத்துவதாகத் தோன்றாமல் இருக்கலாம். ஆனால் திரும்பி தேவனுடைய பார்வையிலிருந்து அவற்றைப் பார்க்கும்போது, செக்ஸின் சரியான, தவறான பயன்பாடுகள் மிகவும் தெளிவாகின்றன.

எங்கள் புதிய நாய்க்குட்டிக்குப் பயிற்சி அளிக்க உதவும்படி ஒருநாள் சில நாய் உணவு பரிசுகளை வாங்கினோம். அது நாய்க்கும் எங்களுக்கும் நல்லவற்றைச் செய்யத் தூண்டும் என்று நினைத்தோம். அந்த நேரத்தில் எங்களுக்கு ஒரு குழந்தையும் இருந்தது, அது அந்தப் பரிசுகளைக் கண்டுபிடித்துவிட்டது! அவள் ஒன்றன்பின் ஒன்றாக நாய்க்கு அவற்றைக் கொடுக்கத் தொடங்கினாள். எங்கள் நாய்க்குட்டி அது அற்புதம் என்று நினைத்தது! அவள் விரும்பிய பரிசுகள் அனைத்தையும் சாப்பிட முடிந்தது! ஆனால் அது எங்களுக்கு எப்படி உணர்வளித்தது என்று நினைக்கிறீர்கள்? எப்போதோ ஒரு நேரத்தில் நாய்க்குட்டி அந்தப் பரிசுகளைப் பெறவேண்டும் என்று நாங்கள் விரும்பினோம்—நிச்சயமாக அவளுக்காகவே அவற்றை வாங்கினோம்—ஆனால் அவள் அவற்றைப் பெற்ற விதம், அவற்றை நாங்கள் முதலில் வாங்கிய நோக்கத்தையே குலைத்துவிட்டது.

தேவன் தன் நோக்கங்களை நிறைவேற்றாத வழிகளில் நாம் செக்ஸில் ஈடுபடும்போது, அவரும் இதேபோலவே உணருவார். எப்போதோ ஒரு நேரத்தில் நாம் செக்ஸ் என்ற பரிசை அனுபவிக்கவேண்டும் என்று அவர் விரும்புகிறார்—நிச்சயமாக நமக்கு அதை மகிழ்ச்சிதருவதாகவே அவர் வடிவமைத்தார்—ஆனால் அவர் அதை முதலில் வடிவமைத்த நோக்கங்களையே குலைக்கும் வழிகளில் நாம் செக்ஸில் ஈடுபடவேண்டும் என்று அவர் விரும்பவில்லை.

திருமணத்திற்கு முன்பும் திருமணத்திற்குள்ளும் தூய்மையாய் இருப்பதற்கான சிறந்த வழி, திரும்பி தேவனுடைய பார்வையிலிருந்து செக்ஸைப் பார்ப்பதே. நீங்கள் செய்துகொண்டிருப்பது வெறும் பரிசுக்காகவா அல்லது தேவனுக்காகவா என்பதை பொதுவாக ஒரு நொடியில் காணமுடியும்.

நீங்கள் செய்துகொண்டிருப்பது, அல்லது செய்யக் கருதுவது, உங்களுக்கான தேவனுடைய விருப்பங்களுக்கு ஏற்றதா இல்லையா என்பதை முடிவெடுக்க உங்களுக்கு உதவும் இரண்டு கேள்விகள் இதோ:

1) தேவன் எனக்காக உண்டாக்கிய கணவனுடனோ மனைவியுடனோ இது அதிக நெருக்கத்திற்கு வழிநடத்துமா?

2) தேவன் எனக்காக உண்டாக்கிய கணவனுடனோ மனைவியுடனோ இது அதிக பலனுக்கு வழிநடத்துமா?

உங்கள் துணைவருடன் அதிக நெருக்கத்திற்கோ பலனுக்கோ எந்தச் செயலும் வழிநடத்தாவிட்டால், அது நெருக்கத்தையும் பலனையும் அழிக்கவே அதிக வாய்ப்புள்ளது.

ஒருதப்பும்வழி

பாலியல் ரீதியாகக் கவர்ச்சிகரமான காரியங்களிலிருந்து பின்வாங்குவது எவ்வளவு கடினமாக இருக்கும் என்பதை நான் அறிவேன். ஆனால் முன்பு நான் குறிப்பிட்டதுபோல, நாம் தூய்மையாய் இருக்கவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புவது மட்டுமல்ல, தூய்மையாய் இருக்க அவர் நமக்கு உதவுவார் கூட.

நாம் எதிர்கொள்ளும் போராட்டங்களைப் பற்றி எந்த யோசனையும் இல்லாத, “வெளியே” இருக்கும் ஒருவர் இயேசு அல்ல. நம் பிரதான ஆசாரியராக விவரிக்கப்படும் இயேசுவைப் பற்றி வேதாகமம் இப்படிச் சொல்கிறது:

“நம்முடைய பலவீனங்களைக்குறித்துப் பரிதபிக்கமாட்டாத பிரதான ஆசாரியர் நமக்கிராமல், எல்லாவிதத்திலேயும் நம்மைப்போலவே சோதிக்கப்பட்டும், பாவமில்லாதவராயிருக்கிற பிரதான ஆசாரியரே நமக்கு இருக்கிறார்” (எபிரெயர் 4:15).

சோதிக்கப்படுவது எப்படி இருக்கும் என்று இயேசு அறிந்திருக்கிறார், புரிந்திருக்கிறார். ஆனால் சோதனையிலிருந்து தேவன் எப்போதும் நமக்கு ஒரு தப்பும் வழியை அளிக்கிறார் என்பதையும் அவர் நமக்குக் காண்பிக்கிறார்.

Dark Castle என்ற ஒரு கணினி விளையாட்டை நான் விளையாட விரும்பியிருந்தேன். நீங்கள் சிக்கியிருக்கும் ஒரு கோட்டையிலிருந்து தப்பிக்க முயற்சிப்பதே அதன் நோக்கம். கோட்டையின் ஒவ்வொரு அறையிலும் வெவ்வேறு சவால் இருந்தது. சில நேரங்களில் வெளவால்களின்மேல் கற்களை எறியவேண்டும், நகரும் கற்களின்மேல் தாண்டவேண்டும், அல்லது பறக்கும் பொருட்களிலிருந்து குனிந்து தப்பவேண்டும்.

ஒவ்வொரு அறையிலும் உங்களுக்கு உதவும் ஏதோ ஒரு சிறப்பான ஒன்று இருந்தது: எறியக் கற்களின் ஒரு பை, உயரமாகத் தாண்ட உதவும் ஒரு சிறப்பான விசை, அல்லது பறக்க உதவும் ஒரு ஜெட் பேக். தப்பிக்கும் வழியைக் கண்டுபிடிக்கும்வரை ஒவ்வொரு அறையிலும் நான் சுற்றிப் பார்ப்பேன். அதைக் கண்டுபிடித்தவுடன், அதை எடுத்துக்கொண்டு அடுத்த அறைக்குச் செல்வேன். இறுதியில், முடிவை அடைந்தேன். எதிரியை வென்று, கோட்டையிலிருந்து தப்பி, இறுதியில் விடுதலையானேன்.

நாம் ஒரு சோதனையை எதிர்கொள்ளும்போதெல்லாம், தப்பும் ஒரு வழியை தேவன் ஏற்படுத்தியிருக்கிறார் என்று அவர் வாக்குப்பண்ணியிருக்கிறார். நாம் எப்போதும் உடனே அதைக் காணாமலோ, காணவே விரும்பாமலோ இருக்கக்கூடும், ஆனால் அது எப்போதும் இருக்கிறது. வேதாகமம் சொல்கிறது:

“மனுஷர் சகஜமாய் அநுபவிக்கிற சோதனையேயல்லாமல் யாதொரு சோதனையும் உங்களுக்கு நேரிடவில்லை; தேவன் உண்மையுள்ளவர், உங்கள் திராணிக்கு மேலாக நீங்கள் சோதிக்கப்படுகிறதற்கு அவர் இடங்கொடாமல், சோதனையை நீங்கள் தாங்கத்தக்கதாக, சோதனையோடுகூடத் தப்பிவரும் வழியையும் உண்டாக்குவார்” (1 கொரிந்தியர் 10:13).

என் நண்பர் ஒருவர் மற்றொரு நாட்டில் பயணித்துக்கொண்டிருந்தபோது, எல்லாவிதமான பாலியல் செயல்பாடுகளுக்குப் பெயர்பெற்ற ஒரு நகரப்பகுதிக்குச் செல்லும்படி சோதிக்கப்பட்டார். அது எப்படி இருக்கும் என்று பார்க்க மட்டுமே விரும்பியதாக அவர் சொன்னார். மின்தொடர்வண்டியில் ஏறியபோது, தேவன் இதை அவர் செய்யவேண்டும் என்று விரும்பவில்லையானால் ஒரு தப்பும் வழியை அளிக்கும்படி கேட்டு அவர் ஒரு சிறு ஜெபம் செய்தார்.

வண்டி அவருடைய இலக்கு நிலையத்தில் நின்றபோது, அவர் தளத்தில் இறங்கினார், விரைவில் அவரை தன்னுடன் வரும்படி கேட்ட ஒரு குழுவினரால் சூழப்பட்டார். அவர்களது மொழியைப் புரிந்துகொள்வதில் சிரமம் இருந்தாலும், அவர்கள் கிறிஸ்தவர்களாக இருக்கவேண்டும், தங்கள் சபைக்கு அவரை அழைக்கிறார்கள் என்பதை அவரால் உணரமுடிந்தது. தன் ஜெபத்தை நினைவுகூர்ந்து, தான் முதலில் திட்டமிட்ட இடத்திற்குச் செல்வதற்குப் பதிலாக அவர்களுடன் செல்ல முடிவெடுத்தார். ஆச்சரியமாக, அவர்களது சபைக்குச் சென்றபோது, அவர்கள் அவருக்கு ஞானஸ்நானம் கொடுத்தார்கள். அவருக்கு ஒரு கோப்பை சூடான தேநீரையும், வீட்டுக்குத் திரும்பச்செல்ல மற்றொரு மின்தொடர்வண்டி டிக்கெட்டையும் கொடுத்தார்கள்—அதை அவர் உடனடியாக அந்த நோக்கத்திற்காகவே பயன்படுத்தினார்!

நிச்சயமாக, என் நண்பர் பாவத்தை நோக்கிச் செல்வதைப் பற்றி முதன்முறையாக நினைத்தபோதே அந்த வண்டியில் ஏறாதிருந்திருந்தால் அது இன்னும் எளிதாக இருந்திருக்கும். ஆனால் தேவன் அவருடைய ஜெபத்திற்குப் பதிலளித்து, இன்னொரு தப்பும் வழியை அளித்தார் என்பதே, சோதனையிலிருந்து நம்மை வழிநடத்த தேவன் எவ்வளவு தூரம் செல்வார் என்பதற்கான சான்று.

நம் சோதனைகள் எவ்வளவு உண்மையானவை, முக்கியமானவை என்பதை இயேசு அறிந்திருந்தார். அது மிகவும் முக்கியமானது என்பதால், தன் சீஷர்களுக்குக் கற்றுக்கொடுத்த, இப்போது கர்த்தருடைய ஜெபம் என்று நாம் அழைக்கும் மாதிரி ஜெபத்தில் அதை அவர் சேர்த்தார். அது ஓரளவு இப்படிச் சொல்கிறது:

“எங்களைச் சோதனைக்கு உட்படப்பண்ணாமல், தீமையினின்று எங்களை இரட்சித்துக்கொள்ளும்” (மத்தேயு 6:13).

சோதனையை எதிர்த்து நிற்பது மிகவும் முக்கியம் என்று அப்போஸ்தலனாகிய பவுல் உணர்ந்ததால், கொரிந்து நகரில் வாழ்ந்தவர்களுக்கு அவர் எழுதினார்:

“வேசித்தனத்துக்கு விலகியோடுங்கள்.” (1 கொரிந்தியர் 6:18அ).

சோதனையிலிருந்து ஓடிப்போவது மிகவும் முக்கியம் என்று யோசேப்பு உணர்ந்ததால், சோதனை அவனுக்கு வந்தபோது அவன் மறுபக்கமாக ஓடினான்! போத்திபாரின் மனைவி அவனை மயக்க முயற்சித்தபோது யோசேப்பு என்ன செய்தான் என்று பாருங்கள்:

“அவள் அவன் வஸ்திரத்தைப் பிடித்து, என்னோடே சயனி என்றாள்; அவனோ தன் வஸ்திரத்தை அவள் கையிலே விட்டு, வெளியே ஓடிப்போனான்” (ஆதியாகமம் 39:12).

ஓடிப்போனதற்காக யோசேப்பு சிறையில் அடைக்கப்பட்டான், ஆனால் அவன் தங்கியிருந்தால் செலுத்த வேண்டிய விலையுடன் ஒப்பிடுகையில் சிறை ஒன்றுமேயில்லை! இறுதியில், யோசேப்பின் கீழ்ப்படிதலை தேவன் மதித்து, எகிப்து முழுவதையும் ஆளும் இரண்டாம் அதிகாரியாக அவனை ஆக்கினார்.

நாம் சோதிக்கப்படும்போது, திரும்பி ஓடுவது மட்டுமேயானாலும், தேவன் எப்போதும் தப்பும் ஒரு வழியை அளிக்கிறார்—அதை ஒவ்வொரு முறையும் நாம் எடுக்கவேண்டும் என்று அவர் விரும்புகிறார்.

சுயக்கட்டுப்பாட்டைக்கற்றல்

சோதனையைச் சமாளிப்பதற்கான சிறந்த வழிகளில் ஒன்று, முடிந்தவரை அதன் பாதையிலிருந்து நம்மை அகற்றிக்கொள்வதே. அனைத்து சோதனைகளையும் நீக்கமுடியாவிட்டாலும், நாம் நினைப்பதைவிட அவற்றின்மேல் நமக்கு அதிக கட்டுப்பாடு உண்டு.

என் தூய்மையில் என்னை ஊக்குவித்த அதே மனிதருடனான உரையாடலிலிருந்து நான் கற்றுக்கொண்ட இன்னொரு காரியத்தை நடைமுறையில் செயல்படுத்தியபோது இதை நானே கண்டறிந்தேன். நான் மற்றவர்களை உடல்ரீதியாக நடத்திய விதத்தைப் பற்றி பேசியபின், உரையாடல் நான் என்னையே உடல்ரீதியாக நடத்திய விதத்திற்குத் திரும்பியது. வேறொருவருடன் உடலுறவு கொள்ளாமலேயே பாலுறுப்புகளைத் தூண்டி உச்சக்கட்டத்தை அடையும் ஒரு வழியான ஸ்வமைதுனம் செய்கிறேனா என்று அவர் என்னிடம் கேட்டார். நான் செய்வதாகச் சொன்னேன். ஸ்வமைதுனத்தைப் பற்றி தேவன் என்ன நினைக்கிறார் என்று நான் யோசித்திருந்தாலும், அதை நிறுத்த என்னை நம்பவைக்கும் அளவுக்கு வேதாகமத்தில் அதற்கெதிரான போதுமான ஆதாரத்தை என்னால் ஒருபோதும் கண்டுபிடிக்க முடியவில்லை.

ஸ்வமைதுனத்தைப் பற்றிக் கேட்டதற்குக் காரணம் ஸ்வமைதுனத்தின் பிரச்சினையைப் பற்றியதைவிட, சுயக்கட்டுப்பாட்டின் பிரச்சினையைப் பற்றியது என்று அவர் என்னிடம் சொன்னார்—ஏனெனில் சுயக்கட்டுப்பாடு வேதாகமத்தில் குறிப்பாகவே குறிப்பிடப்பட்டுள்ளது:

“நீங்கள் பரிசுத்தமாயிருக்கவேண்டுமென்பதே தேவனுடைய சித்தமாயிருக்கிறது; அதாவது, நீங்கள் வேசித்தனத்துக்கு விலகி, தேவனை அறியாத அஞ்ஞானிகளைப்போல மோகஇச்சையில் அகப்படாமல், அவனவன் பரிசுத்தமும் கனமும் உள்ளவனாய்த் தன் தன் பாத்திரத்தைக் காத்துக்கொள்ளத்தக்கதாய் அறியவேண்டும் என்பதே” (1 தெசலோனிக்கேயர் 4:3-5).

ஸ்வமைதுனம் தனிமையானவர்களுக்கு மட்டுமல்ல, திருமணமானவர்களுக்கும் ஒரு பிரச்சினை என்பதைத் தான் கண்டறிந்ததாக அவர் தொடர்ந்து சொன்னார். மக்கள் திருமணமாவதற்கு முன் தொடர்ந்து ஸ்வமைதுனம் செய்தால், திருமணமான பின்பும் அவர்கள் பொதுவாகத் தொடர்வார்கள். ஸ்வமைதுனத்தின்மேலான போராட்டம் பாலியல் விடுவிப்பின்மேலான போராட்டமல்ல, சுயக்கட்டுப்பாட்டின்மேலான போராட்டமே.

தங்கள் கணவன்மார் திருமணத்திற்குப் பிறகும் ஸ்வமைதுனம் செய்துகொண்டிருப்பதை அறிந்தால் என்ன நினைப்பார்கள் என்று கேட்க பல மனைவிமார்களைப் பேட்டி கண்டபோது, அதைப் பற்றி நேர்மறையான கருத்தை ஒரு பெண்கூட தெரிவிக்கவில்லை. மனைவிகளாக தாங்கள் பாலியல் ரீதியாக என்ன தவறு செய்திருக்கக்கூடும் என்று எண்ணுவதிலிருந்து, இப்படி தங்களைக் கட்டுப்படுத்த முடியாவிட்டால் தங்கள் கணவன்மார் வேறு என்னதான் செய்யக்கூடும் என்று எண்ணுவதுவரை பதில்கள் இருந்தன.

பின்பு அவர் என்னைத் தூண்டிய ஒன்றைச் சொன்னார்: அவரும்—அவர் அறிந்த இன்னும் பலரும்—ஸ்வமைதுனத்தை முழுவதுமாகக் கைவிடும்படி ஒரு உறுதிமொழி எடுத்திருந்ததாகச் சொன்னார். ஒவ்வொருவரும் அது தங்கள் வாழ்க்கையில் ஏற்படுத்திய பேரளவிலான வேறுபாட்டைச் சாட்சியாகக் கூறமுடியும். அவர் ஒரு சவாலை வீசியிருந்தார், அதை நான் ஏற்று என் சொந்த வாழ்க்கையில் பயன்படுத்தப்போகிறேனா என்று நான் முடிவெடுக்கவேண்டியிருந்தது.

முயற்சிசெய்ய மதிப்புள்ளது என்று நான் முடிவெடுத்தேன். எனவே நாங்கள் திருமணமாவதற்கு முன்பே ஸ்வமைதுனத்தை முழுவதுமாகக் கைவிட முயற்சிக்கிறேன் என்று எனக்கும் லானாவுக்கும் நான் உறுதிமொழி அளித்தேன். அந்த உறுதிமொழிக்கு என்னைப் பொறுப்புக்கூறச் செய்யும் வழியாக, நான் எப்போதேனும் ஸ்வமைதுனத்திற்கு அடிபணிந்தால், அதே நாள் முடிவதற்குள் அதை அவளிடம் அறிக்கை செய்வேன் என்று அவளிடம் சொன்னேன்.

இந்த விஷயத்திலும் நான் என் தீர்மானத்தில் முழுமையாக இருந்திருக்கிறேன் என்று சொல்ல விரும்புகிறேன், ஆனால் என்னால் சொல்ல முடியாது! ஆனால் நான் அடிபணிந்த ஒவ்வொரு முறையும் அன்று முடிவதற்குள் லானாவிடம் சொல்லும் என் உறுதிமொழியை நான் காத்திருக்கிறேன் என்று சொல்லமுடியும். அந்த சங்கடமான அறிக்கையை சில முறை செய்தபின், என் தீர்மானம் நிரந்தரமாக உறுதிப்பட்டது. சோதனை மறைந்துவிட்டது என்றோ, அந்தச் சோதனைகளுக்கு அடிபணிய நான் விரும்பமாட்டேன் என்றோ இதன் பொருளல்ல, ஆனால் அடிபணிவதற்கான என் விருப்பத்தை சுயக்கட்டுப்பாட்டிற்கான என் விருப்பம் தாண்டிவிட்டது என்பதே இதன் பொருள்.

இருதயத்தில்ஒருஎல்லைகோடுவரைதல்

அந்த ஒரு முடிவு பல வழிகளில் ஆண்டுகளாக என்னைத் தூய்மையாய் வைத்திருந்திருக்கிறது.

பதினாறு வருடங்களுக்குப் பிறகு இந்த மனிதரை மீண்டும் தற்செயலாக சந்தித்தபோது, நாங்கள் முதலில் பேசிய நேரத்தில் என் கண்ணில் ஒரு மின்னலாக மட்டுமே இருந்த என் குடும்பத்தின் புகைப்படத்தை நான் அவருக்குக் காண்பித்தேன். அவர் என்னுடன் பகிர்ந்த சத்திய துணுக்குகளுக்கு நான் நன்றி சொன்னேன், ஸ்வமைதுனத்தை நிறுத்தும் என் முடிவு பிற வழிகளிலும் என்னைத் தூய்மையாய் வைத்திருந்தது எப்படி என்று அவரிடம் சொன்னேன்.

ஸ்வமைதுனத்தின்மேல் கட்டுப்பாட்டைப் பெற்றது, வேதாகமத்தில் தெளிவாகக் கண்டிக்கப்பட்ட மேலும் தீவிரமான பாலியல் செயல்பாடுகளிலிருந்து என்னைக் காப்பாற்றியிருக்கிறது, அவை:

விபசாரம், உங்கள் கணவனோ மனைவியோ அல்லாத ஒருவருடன் செக்ஸ் வைப்பதை உள்ளடக்கியது, பத்துக் கட்டளைகளில் முதன்மையானதாகப் பட்டியலிடப்பட்டுள்ளது: “விபசாரம்செய்யாதிருப்பாயாக” (யாத்திராகமம் 20:14).

வேசித்தனம், உங்களுடன் உடலுறவு கொள்ள ஒருவருக்குப் பணம் கொடுப்பதை உள்ளடக்கியது: “உங்கள்சரீரங்கள்கிறிஸ்துவின் அவயவங்களாயிருக்கிறதென்று அறியீர்களா? அப்படியிருக்க,நான்கிறிஸ்துவின் அவயவங்களைஎடுத்து,வேசியின் அவயவங்களாக்கலாமா?கூடாதே.வேசியுடன்இசைந்திருக்கிறவன் அவளுடனேஒரேசரீரமாயிருக்கிறானென்று அறியீர்களா?இருவரும்ஏகமாம்சமாயிருப்பார்களென்றுசொல்லியிருக்கிறதே” (1 கொரிந்தியர் 6:15-16).

மற்றும் ஆபாசம், உங்களைப் பாலியல் ரீதியாகத் தூண்டும்படி வடிவமைக்கப்பட்ட புத்தகங்கள், பத்திரிகைகள், படங்கள், பதிவுகள் அல்லது திரைப்படங்கள் போன்றவற்றைப் பார்ப்பதை உள்ளடக்கியது. இயேசு சொன்னார்: “விபசாரஞ்செய்யாதிருப்பாயாகஎன்றுசொல்லப்பட்டதைக்கேட்டிருக்கிறீர்களே.நானோஉங்களுக்குச்சொல்லுகிறேன்,ஒருஸ்திரீயைஇச்சையோடுநோக்குகிறவன்எவனும்தன்இருதயத்தில் அவளோடேவிபசாரம்பண்ணினவனாயிருக்கிறான்” (மத்தேயு 5:27-29).

“எவ்வளவு தூரம் போகலாம்?” என்று—அதாவது, “தேவன் அதைப் பாவமாகக் கருதுவதற்கு முன் ஒருவருடன் நான் உடல்ரீதியாக எவ்வளவு தூரம் போகலாம்?” என்று மக்கள் அடிக்கடி கேட்கும் கேள்வி. இது ஒரு பொதுவான கேள்வி, ஆனால் அது தவறான கேள்வி என்று நான் நினைக்கிறேன். விபசாரத்தைப் பற்றிய இயேசுவின் மேற்கோளில், நாம் ஓர் உடல் எல்லையைக் கடக்கும்போது மட்டுமல்ல, நம் இருதயத்தில் ஓர் எல்லையைக் கடக்கும்போதே பாவம் நிகழ்கிறது என்பதை அவர் வெளிப்படுத்துகிறார். எல்லைகோடு வரைவதற்குச் சிறந்த இடம் மாம்சத்தில் அல்ல, இருதயத்தில்—ஏனெனில் ஒருமுறை இருதயத்தில் ஒரு எல்லை கடக்கப்பட்டால், மாம்சத்தில் அதைக் கடப்பது இன்னும் எளிதாகிவிடும். இருதயத்தின் இந்த தவறானஆசைகள் எப்படி நம்மை தவறானசெயல்களுக்குள் இழுக்கின்றன என்பதையும், அது எப்படி அழிவுக்கு வழிநடத்தும் என்பதையும் வேதாகமம் விளக்குகிறது:

“ஒருவனும் சோதிக்கப்படும்போது: தேவனால் சோதிக்கப்படுகிறேனென்று சொல்லாதிருப்பானாக; தேவன் தீமையுள்ளவைகளால் சோதிக்கப்படுகிறவரல்ல, ஒருவனையும் அவர் சோதிக்கிறதுமில்லை. அவனவன் தன்தன் சுய இச்சையினால் இழுக்கப்பட்டு, சிக்குண்டு சோதிக்கப்படுகிறான். பின்பு இச்சையானது கர்ப்பந்தரித்து, பாவத்தைப் பெறும்; பாவம் பூரணமாகும்போது, மரணத்தைப் பெறும்” (யாக்கோபு 1:13-15).

பாலியல் போராட்டங்களை மேற்கொள்ள மக்களுக்கு உதவும் Cross Ministry-யின் நிர்வாக இயக்குநர் டிம் வில்கின்ஸ், சோதனையைச் சமாளிப்பதற்கான இந்தப் பயனுள்ள கதையைக் கூறுகிறார்:

செல்வந்த, உயர்குடி பெண் ஒருவர் தன் ரோல்ஸ் ராய்ஸ் காரை ஓட்ட வருபவர்களின் விண்ணப்பங்களை ஆராய்கிறார். மூன்று ஆண்களுக்கு விண்ணப்பங்களைக் குறுக்கி, அவர்களைத் தன் மாளிகைக்கு அழைக்கிறார்.

ஒவ்வொருவரையும் தனித்தனியாக தன் காரோட்டப்பாதைக்கும் அதற்குப் பக்கத்திலுள்ள செங்கல் சுவருக்கும் அழைத்துச் செல்கிறார்.

“நீங்கள் என் ரோல்ஸை ஓட்டினால், என் காரை உரசாமல் அந்த சுவருக்கு எவ்வளவு நெருக்கமாக வரமுடியும் என்று நினைக்கிறீர்கள்?” என்று அவர் கேட்கிறார்.

முதல் விண்ணப்பதாரர் சொல்கிறார், “சுவரிலிருந்து ஒரு அடி தூரத்தில் ஓட்டி உங்கள் ரோல்ஸை சேதப்படுத்தாமல் இருக்கமுடியும்.”

இரண்டாம் விண்ணப்பதாரரை அழைத்து, “நீங்கள் என் ரோல்ஸை ஓட்டினால், என் காரை உரசாமல் அந்த சுவருக்கு எவ்வளவு நெருக்கமாக வரமுடியும் என்று நினைக்கிறீர்கள்?” என்று மீண்டும் கேட்கிறார்.

தலையைச் சொறிந்துகொண்டு, “சுவரிலிருந்து ஆறு அங்குல தூரத்தில் ஓட்டி உங்கள் காரைச் சேதப்படுத்தாமல் இருக்கமுடியும்” என்கிறார்.

மூன்றாம் விண்ணப்பதாரரை அழைத்து அதே கேள்வியைக் கேட்கிறார்.

அவர் தயங்காமல், “மேடம், சுவரை சேதப்படுத்தாமல் நான் எவ்வளவு நெருக்கமாக வரமுடியும் என்று எனக்குத் தெரியாது, ஆனால் உங்கள் காரை ஓட்டினால், உங்கள் காரைச் சேதப்படுத்தாதிருக்க சுவரிலிருந்து முடிந்தவரை தொலைவிலேயே இருப்பேன்” என்கிறார்.

வேலை யாருக்குக் கிடைத்தது என்று யூகியுங்கள்.

டிம் கூட்டிச் சொல்கிறார், “பாலியல் சோதனையைக் கையாளும்போது, முக்கியமான கேள்வி ‘சேதமடையாமல்’ சோதனைக்கு எவ்வளவு நெருக்கமாகச் செல்லமுடியும் என்பதல்ல, முடிந்தவரை தொலைவில் இருப்பதே. ‘உன்வழியை அவளைவிட்டுத்தூரமாக்கு, அவள்வீட்டுவாசலண்டைக்குப்போகாதே…’ (நீதிமொழிகள் 5:8).”

எனக்கென்றால், ஸ்வமைதுனத்திலேயே வெகு தொலைவில் ஒரு எல்லைகோடு வரைந்ததால், அதற்கு அப்பால் மேலும் தொலைவில் இருக்கும், தேவனுடைய விருப்பங்களுக்கும்—என் விருப்பங்களுக்கும்—என் வாழ்க்கைக்கும் என் திருமணத்திற்கும் இன்னும் அழிவுகரமாக இருக்கக்கூடிய செயல்பாடுகளுக்குள் இழுக்கப்படுவதிலிருந்து என்னை என்னால் காத்துக்கொள்ள முடிந்தது. ஒரு கவர்ச்சிகரமான எண்ணத்தின்மேல் ஒரு நொடிக்கு மேல் தங்கவேண்டிய அவசியமில்லை என்று தெரிந்திருந்ததால், என் எண்ணங்களைக் கட்டுக்குள் வைத்திருக்க இது எனக்கு உதவியது—அது “வெறும்” ஸ்வமைதுனத்தின் மூலமாகவே இருந்தாலும், அந்த எண்ணத்தைத் தொடரப்போவதில்லை என்று எனக்குத் தெரியும்.

என் தூய்மையில் என்னை ஊக்குவித்த மனிதர், குறிப்பாக மற்ற பாலியல் சோதனைகளுடன் போராடுபவர்கள் ஸ்வமைதுனத்தைக் கைவிடும்படி இரண்டு காரணங்களுக்காகத் தொடர்ந்து பரிந்துரைப்பதாகச் சொன்னார்: 1) தன் சொந்த உடலின்மேல் கட்டுப்பாட்டைப் பெறும் ஒருவரின் நம்பிக்கையை இது வளர்க்கிறது, 2) அவர்கள் இந்தப் போராட்டத்தில் எப்போதாவது தோற்றாலும், மேலும் தீவிரமான சோதனைகளில் விழுவதைவிட இதன் விளைவுகள் அவ்வளவு அழிவுகரமானவை அல்ல.

நம் உடல்களைக் கட்டுப்படுத்துவது தொடர்பான, தேவனுடைய வார்த்தையின் அடிப்படையிலான இந்த ஒரு சத்திய துணுக்கு, என்னையும், என் மனைவியையும், என் குடும்பத்தையும் வாழ்நாள் முழுவதற்குமான வேதனையிலிருந்து காப்பாற்றியிருக்கிறது. வேதாகமத்தை நான் ஏன் இவ்வளவு நேசிக்கிறேன் என்பதில் ஆச்சரியமில்லை!

செக்ஸைப் பற்றி தேவன் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்ற ஊகத்தை வேதாகமம் அகற்றிவிடுகிறது. அடுத்த அத்தியாயத்தில், செக்ஸைப் பற்றி வயது வந்தபின் நான் வேதாகமத்தில் முதலில் வாசித்ததைப் பகிர்ந்துகொள்வேன், அது என் வாழ்க்கையின் மிக முக்கியமான திருப்புமுனைகளில் ஒன்றாக இருந்தது.

மறுஆய்வுகேள்விகள்

1. நம்மைப் பாவத்திற்குள் இழுக்க சாத்தானின் மிகச் செயல்திறன்மிக்க உத்திகளில் ஒன்று என்ன? (ஆதியாகமம் 3:1)

2. ஒரு பாலியல் தூண்டுதலான செயல்பாடு தேவனுடைய நோக்கங்களுக்கு ஏற்றதா இல்லையா என்பதை முடிவெடுக்க உங்களைக் கேட்டுக்கொள்ளக்கூடிய இரண்டு கேள்விகள் என்ன?

3. நீங்கள் பாவம் செய்யும்படி சோதிக்கப்படும்போது, தேவன் உங்களுக்காக எப்போதும் என்ன செய்வார் என்று சொல்கிறார்? (1 கொரிந்தியர் 10:13)

4. நாம் எதைக் கட்டுப்படுத்தக் கற்றுக்கொள்ளவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார்? (1 தெசலோனிக்கேயர் 4:3-5)

அத்தியாயம் 4
மீண்டும்தூய்மைபெறுதல்

“நம்முடைய பாவங்களை நாம் அறிக்கையிட்டால், அவர் உண்மையும் நீதியும் உள்ளவராகையால், நம்முடைய பாவங்களை நமக்கு மன்னித்து, எல்லா அநீதியையும் நீக்கி நம்மைச் சுத்திகரிப்பார்.”
1 யோவான் 1:8-9

உங்கள் தூய்மை தேவனுக்கு மிகவும் முக்கியமானது, நீங்கள் தவறு செய்தாலும்—மீண்டும் தூய்மையடைவதற்கான ஒரு வழியை அவர் ஏற்படுத்தியிருக்கிறார். நம் வாழ்க்கையில் ஏதோ ஒரு நேரத்தில், நாம் அனைவரும் தவறு செய்கிறோம்!

நாம் பாவம் செய்யும்போது தேவன் ஆச்சரியப்படுவதில்லை. ஆதாமும் ஏவாளும் தொடங்கி உங்கள்வரையும் என்வரையும், நம்மில் எவருக்கும் குறையற்ற ஒழுக்கக் குறிப்பேடு கிடையாது. நாம் பாவம் செய்யும்போது, ஆதாமும் ஏவாளும் உணர்ந்ததையே நம்மில் பெரும்பாலோர் உணர்கிறோம்:

“அந்நேரத்தில் அவர்களுடைய கண்கள் திறக்கப்பட்டு, தங்கள் நிர்வாணத்தைப் பற்றி திடீரென வெட்கம் உணர்ந்தார்கள். எனவே அவர்கள் இலைகளை இணைத்து தங்களை மறைத்துக்கொள்ள ஆடையாக்கினார்கள்.

“மாலைநேரத்தில் கர்த்தராகிய தேவன் தோட்டத்தில் உலாவுவதைக் கேட்டு, மரங்களுக்கு நடுவே ஒளிந்துகொண்டார்கள். கர்த்தராகிய தேவன் ஆதாமை நோக்கி, ‘நீ எங்கே இருக்கிறாய்?’ என்று கூப்பிட்டார்.

“அதற்கு அவன், ‘உம்முடைய சத்தத்தைத் தோட்டத்தில் கேட்டேன், நான் நிர்வாணமாயிருந்தபடியால் பயந்து ஒளிந்துகொண்டேன்’ என்றான்” (ஆதியாகமம் 3:7-10, NLT).

நாம் பாவம் செய்யும்போது, நிர்வாணமாயும் வெட்கமாயும் உணர்ந்து, நம் நிர்வாணத்தை மறைக்க முயன்று, பின்பு தேவனிடமிருந்து ஓடுகிறோம். ஆனால் அதுவே தேவனிடம் திரும்பி ஓடவேண்டிய நேரம். நம்மை மீண்டும் தூய்மையுள்ளவர்களாக மாற்ற அவர் விரும்புகிறார். ஆதாமையும் ஏவாளையும் தனியே விட முடியாத அளவுக்கு தேவன் அவர்களை நேசித்தார். அவர்களைத் தேடிச் சென்றார், நம் மேலுள்ள அவருடைய பேரன்பினால் நம்மையும் தேடிவருகிறார்.

“நாமோ பாவிகளாயிருக்கையில் கிறிஸ்து நமக்காக மரித்ததினாலே, தேவன் நம்மேல் வைத்த தமது அன்பை நமக்குக் காண்பிக்கிறார்” (ரோமர் 5:8).

உங்கள் பாவத்தில் நிர்வாணமாகவும் வெட்கமாகவும் நீங்கள் உணர்ந்தால், நீங்கள் ஓடத் தேவையில்லை. திரும்பினால் போதும். தேவன் உங்களைத் தேடி ஓடிக்கொண்டிருந்தார் என்றும், உங்களைத் திரும்பப் பெற்று மீண்டும் தூய்மையுள்ளவராக்க அவர் ஆவலாய் இருக்கிறார் என்றும் நீங்கள் காண்பீர்கள்.

சிறந்த பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையை எப்படிப் பெறுவது என்று நமக்குக் காட்டும் அதே வேதாகமம், தேவனுடைய சிறந்ததற்குக் குறைவாக நாம் வாழும்போது எப்படி மன்னிப்புப் பெறுவது என்பதையும் நமக்குக் காட்டுகிறது.

பாவத்தில்விழுதல்

கல்லூரி முடிந்த அடுத்த வருடம், நானே வேதாகமத்தை வாசிக்கத் தொடங்கும்வரை, செக்ஸைப் பற்றி தேவன் சொல்வதிலிருந்து நான் எவ்வளவு தூரம் விலகியிருந்தேன் என்பதை நான் உணரவில்லை. நான் அதிகமாக வாசிக்க வாசிக்க, நான் பாலியல் ரீதியாகச் செய்திருந்த காரியங்கள் தேவனுடைய பார்வையில் தவறானவை என்பதை—நான் தொடர்ந்தால் என் வாழ்க்கையையே அழிக்கக்கூடும் என்பதையும் அதிகமாக உணர்ந்தேன். நான் செய்திருந்த தவறான தேர்வுகளும், நான் செய்திருந்த பாவங்களும் என் சொந்த மரணத்தையே ஏற்படுத்தக்கூடும் என்பதை நான் காணத் தொடங்கினேன். நான் மெய்யாகவே இறந்தால், நான் என் சொந்தப் பாவத்தின் விளைவுகளையே—என் பாவத்திற்கான கூலியை—அறுவடை செய்வேன் என்று எனக்குத் தெளிவுபடுத்திய ஒரு வசனத்தால் நான் மிகவும் தாக்கப்பட்டேன்:

“பாவத்தின் சம்பளம் மரணம்; தேவனுடைய கிருபைவரமோ நம்முடைய கர்த்தராகிய இயேசுகிறிஸ்துவுக்குள் நித்தியஜீவன்” (ரோமர் 6:23).

இந்த வார்த்தைகள் குறிப்பாக என் வாழ்க்கைக்குப் பொருந்துவதை நான் கண்டபோது, ஹூஸ்டன் நகர மையத்தின் வழியாக ஓடும் ஒரு நீரோடையின் ஓரமாக தேவனுடன் நீண்ட நடையொன்று போக முடிவெடுத்தேன்.

நடந்துகொண்டிருக்கும்போது, நான் பாலியல் ரீதியாகச் செய்திருந்த சில காரியங்கள் ஒருவேளை பாலியல் நோய்கள் மூலமாக என் உடலுக்கு ஏற்கெனவே சரிசெய்யமுடியாத சேதத்தை ஏற்படுத்தியிருக்கக்கூடுமா என்று எண்ணினேன். இதற்கு முன் நான் இதைப் பற்றி அதிகம் யோசித்தது கிடையாது, ஆனால் பாவத்தின் இயற்கையான விளைவுகளைப் பற்றி வேதாகமம் சொல்வதை வாசித்தபின், நான் விதைத்ததையே இறுதியில் அறுவடை செய்யக்கூடும் என்பது முற்றிலும் சாத்தியமே என்று எனக்குத் தெரிந்தது.

அதே சமயம், உலகத்திற்காக, இன்னும் குறிப்பாக என் வாழ்க்கைக்காகவும் தேவனுக்கு மெய்யாகவே ஒரு திட்டம் இருந்தது என்பதையும் நான் காணத் தொடங்கினேன். என் பாவங்கள் என்னை மட்டும் வீழ்த்தாமல், என் வாழ்க்கைக்காக தேவன் கொண்டிருந்த திட்டங்களையும் வீழ்த்தும் என்பதை உணர்ந்தேன். நான் இருந்த பாதையைவிட சிறந்த ஒரு பாதையை தேவன் எனக்காக மனதில் வைத்திருந்தார் என்பதைக் காணமுடிந்தது, அதற்குள் நுழைவது எப்படி என்பதை எதையும்விட அதிகமாகக் கண்டறிய நான் விரும்பினேன்.

ஆனால் எப்படி? நான் ஏற்கெனவே செய்ததை நான் எப்படி மாற்றமுடியும்? என் தவறான எண்ணங்களையும், உணர்வுகளையும், விருப்பங்களையும் நான் எப்படி மாற்றமுடியும்? என்னை அழிக்க இன்னும் அச்சுறுத்திக்கொண்டிருந்த, நான் விழுந்திருந்த பழக்கங்களை நான் எப்படி மாற்றமுடியும்?

என் கேள்விகளுக்குப் பதிலாகவே இருந்தாற்போல, வேதாகமத்தில் இன்னொரு கதையை நான் கண்டேன்—குணமடையும்படி இயேசுவிடம் வந்த இரண்டு குருடர்களின் கதை. நீரோடையின் ஓரமாக நடந்துகொண்டிருந்தபோது என் வேதாகமத்தை என்னுடன் எடுத்துச்சென்று, மத்தேயு புத்தகத்திலிருந்து வாசித்துக்கொண்டிருந்தேன். குருடர்களின் விண்ணப்பங்களுக்குப் பதிலான இயேசுவின் வார்த்தைகளால் நான் ஈர்க்கப்பட்டேன். அவர்கள் இயேசுவை நோக்கி:

“தாவீதின் குமாரனே, எங்களுக்கு இரங்கும்” (மத்தேயு 9:27ஆ) என்று கூப்பிட்டார்கள்.

வேதாகமத்தின் மற்ற இடங்களில், சேற்றைப் பிசைந்து அவர்கள் கண்களில் இட்டோ, ஒரு குறிப்பிட்ட குளத்தில் மூழ்கச் சொல்லியோ இயேசு மக்களைக் குணமாக்கினார். ஆனால் இந்த இருவருக்கும் அப்படியில்லை. இயேசு அவர்களிடம் ஒரு கேள்வி கேட்டார்:

“இதைச் செய்ய எனக்குக் கூடுமென்று விசுவாசிக்கிறீர்களா?” (மத்தேயு 9:28ஆ).

அவர்களுடைய பதிலைப் பொறுத்தே இயேசு அவர்களைக் குணமாக்குவாரோ மாட்டாரோ.

குருடர்கள் தங்கள் கண்களைக் குணமாக்கும்படி கேட்டதைப் போலவே, என் தவறான பாலியல் விருப்பங்களிலிருந்தும் செயல்களிலிருந்தும் என்னைக் குணமாக்கும்படி இயேசுவை நான் விரும்பினேன். “எரிக், இதையும் செய்யக்கூடும் என்று நீ விசுவாசிக்கிறாயா?” என்று அவரே என்னிடம் கேட்பதுபோல எனக்குத் தோன்றியது. நோயுற்றவர்களைக் குணமாக்கியது, தண்ணீரின்மேல் நடந்தது, மரித்தோரை எழுப்பியது என இயேசுவைப் பற்றி நான் என்றும் கற்றுக்கொண்ட எல்லாவற்றையும் யோசித்தேன். இதை யாராலும் செய்யமுடியுமானால், இயேசுவால்தான் செய்யமுடியும் என்று எனக்குத் தெரிந்தது.

பாதையில் நின்று என் கையை மேலே தூக்கினேன். குருடர்களைப் போலவே, “ஆம்,கர்த்தாவே” என்று நான் பதிலளித்தேன். குருடர்களைப் போலவே, இயேசு என்னைக் குணமாக்கினார்:

“அப்பொழுது அவர் அவர்கள் கண்களைத் தொட்டு, உங்கள் விசுவாசத்தின்படி உங்களுக்குச் சம்பவிக்கக்கடவது என்றார். உடனே அவர்கள் கண்கள் திறக்கப்பட்டது” (மத்தேயு 9:29-30அ).

அந்த நொடியிலேயே நான் குணமாக்கப்பட்டேன் என்று எனக்குத் தெரிந்தது. குருடனாயிருந்து இப்போது பார்க்கமுடிவதைப்போலவே அது தெளிவாக இருந்தது. அடுத்த நாள் என் வாழ்க்கையின் அனைத்திற்காகவும் கிறிஸ்துவின்மேல் என் விசுவாசத்தை வைத்து, என் பாவங்களை மன்னிக்கும்படி அவரிடம் கேட்டு, நித்திய ஜீவனின் வரத்தை அவரிடமிருந்து பெற்றுக்கொண்டேன். இதைச் செய்தது, என் மீதமுள்ள வாழ்நாள் முழுவதற்குமான திருப்புமுனையாக அமைந்தது.

தாவீதின்திருப்புமுனை

நீங்கள் எப்போதாவது பாவம் செய்திருந்தால், நீங்கள் நல்ல நிறுவனத்தில்—குறைந்தபட்சம் ஏராளமான நிறுவனத்தில்—இருக்கிறீர்கள். நாம் அனைவரும் இந்தப் பொதுவான குணத்தைப் பகிர்ந்துகொள்கிறோம்.

வேதாகமம் சொல்கிறது, “…எல்லாரும்பாவஞ்செய்துதேவமகிமையைஇழந்தார்களே” (ரோமர் 3:23), மற்றும் “நாமெல்லாரும்ஆடுகளைப்போலவழிதப்பித்திரிந்து, அவனவன்தன்தன்வழியேசென்றோம்…” (ஏசாயா 53:6அ).

எந்த வகையான பாவமும்—தேவன் நமக்காக வைத்திருக்கும் நிறைவான வாழ்க்கையை வேறு எதையும்விட அதிகமாக முடக்கிவிடுகிறது. பாலியல் பாவம் குறிப்பாக அழிவுகரமாகத் தெரிகிறது. ஏன்? வேதாகமம் சொல்கிறது,

“வேசித்தனத்துக்கு விலகியோடுங்கள். மனுஷன் செய்கிற எந்தப் பாவமும் சரீரத்திற்குப் புறம்பானது; வேசித்தனஞ்செய்கிறவனோ, தன் சொந்த சரீரத்திற்கு விரோதமாய்ப் பாவஞ்செய்கிறான்” (1 கொரிந்தியர் 6:18).

ஆனால் இந்த முடக்கத்திலிருந்து மீண்டு முழு சக்தியுடன் நம்மைத் திரும்பக் கொண்டுவரும் ஒரு வழியை தேவன் நமக்குக் கொடுத்திருக்கிறார்: அறிக்கை மூலமாக.

அறிக்கையிடுதல் என்றால் “ஒத்துக்கொள்வது” என்று பொருள், நாம் செய்தது தவறு என்று அங்கீகரித்து, அதைச் சரிசெய்யவேண்டும் என்ற விருப்பத்துடன். பத்சேபாளுடனான தன் பாவம் இறுதியாகத் தன்னைப் பிடித்தபோது, தாவீது தேவனிடம் வெளிப்படுத்தியதே அறிக்கை.

தாவீது எல்லா காலத்திலும் மிகச் சிறந்த அரசர்களில் ஒருவராக இருந்தார் என்பதை நீங்கள் நினைவுகூரக்கூடும், ஆனால் அவர் மற்றொரு ஆணின் மனைவியான பத்சேபாளுடன் பாலியல் பாவத்தில் விழுந்தார். தன் அரண்மனையிலிருந்து பார்த்து, அவள் தன் மாடியில் நிர்வாணமாக நீராடிக்கொண்டிருப்பதைக் கண்டபோது, அவளை அவர் விரும்பினார். தன்னிடம் வரும்படி அவளைக் கேட்டு, தன் வாழ்க்கையின் தாழ்ந்த புள்ளிகளில் ஒன்றுக்கு இறங்கினார். தாவீதின் ஆலோசகர்களில் ஒருவர் மூலமாக தேவன் தாவீதின் பாவத்தைப் பற்றி அவரை எதிர்கொள்ளாதிருந்திருந்தால், அவர் இறக்கும்நாள்வரை அதே புள்ளியிலேயே தங்கியிருந்திருக்கக்கூடும். தான் செய்ததை தாவீது உணர்ந்தபோது, தேவனிடம் அறிக்கையிட்டு தன் இருதயத்தை ஊற்றினார்.

தாவீதின் வார்த்தைகள் சங்கீதம் 51-இல் பதிவாகியுள்ளன:

“தேவனே, உம்முடைய கிருபையின்படி எனக்கு இரங்கும்; உம்முடைய மிகுந்த இரக்கத்தின்படி என் மீறுதல்களை நீக்கிப்போடும். என் அக்கிரமத்தை நீக்கிக் கழுவி, என் பாவம் நீங்கச் சுத்திகரியும். என் மீறுதல்களை நான் அறிந்திருக்கிறேன்; என் பாவம் எப்பொழுதும் எனக்கு முன்பாக இருக்கிறது… ஈசோப்பினால் என்மேல் தெளியும், அப்பொழுது சுத்தமாவேன்; என்னைக் கழுவும், அப்பொழுது உறைந்த மழையிலும் வெண்மையாவேன்… தேவனே, சுத்த இருதயத்தை என்னிலே சிருஷ்டியும்; நிலைவரமான ஆவியை என் உள்ளத்திலே புதுப்பியும்” (சங்கீதம் 51:1-3, 7, 10).

தாவீதும் பத்சேபாளும், அவர்களைச் சுற்றியிருந்தவர்களும் தங்கள் பாவத்திற்கான விலையைச் செலுத்தினர். மறைக்கும் முயற்சியில் தாவீது கொலைசெய்ய வைத்ததால் பத்சேபாளின் கணவன் இறந்தான். பின்பு தாவீதுக்கும் பத்சேபாளுக்கும் பிறந்த மகன் பிறந்த சிறிது காலத்திலேயே இறந்தான். எல்லாவற்றுக்கும் மேலாக, அவர்களுடைய பாவம் நாம் அனைவரும் காணும்படி என்றென்றைக்குமாக வேதாகமத்தில் பதிவாகியது.

ஆனால் எல்லாம் இழக்கப்படவில்லை. தாவீது தன் பாவத்தை அறிக்கையிட்டு தேவனிடம் திரும்பியதால், அவர் கேட்டதை தேவன் அவருக்குச் செய்தார்: தேவன் அவரை சுத்திகரித்தார், கழுவினார், உறைந்த மழையிலும் வெண்மையாக்கினார். மீண்டும் ஒரு சுத்த இருதயத்தை அவருக்குக் கொடுத்து, அவருடைய ஆவியைப் புதுப்பித்தார். தாவீது பத்சேபாளை மணந்துகொண்டார், அவர்கள் இன்னொரு மகனைப் பெற்றெடுத்தார்கள். அந்த மகனாகிய சாலொமோன், வரலாற்றிலேயே மிகச் செல்வந்தரும் ஞானமுள்ளவருமான அரசர்களில் ஒருவராக ஆனார். தாவீதின் வாழ்க்கையின் திருப்புமுனை, தேவனிடம் அவர் செய்த அறிக்கையிலும், காரியங்களைச் சரிசெய்யவேண்டுமென்ற அவருடைய கூக்குரலிலும் தங்கியிருந்தது.

நம் எதிர்காலத்தின் விளைவைத் தீர்மானிக்கக்கூடிய அதே திருப்புமுனையே இதுவும்.

அறிக்கையின்வல்லமை

ஒரு தம்பதிக்குப் பிள்ளை பிறக்கவேண்டும் என்று ஜெபிக்க ஒரு இரவு நான் அவர்களைச் சந்தித்தேன். பல வருடங்களாக அவர்கள் ஒரு பிள்ளையை விரும்பினர், ஆனால் கருவுற முடியவில்லை. மருத்துவர் இறுதியாக மனைவியை மலட்டுத்தன்மையுள்ளவள் என்று அறிவித்திருந்தார், அதாவது அவளால் ஒருபோதும் பிள்ளைகளைப் பெறமுடியாது.

அவர்களுடன் நான் ஜெபிப்பதற்கு முன், அவர்கள் என்ன அனுபவித்துக்கொண்டிருக்கிறார்கள், தேவன் தங்களுக்காக என்ன செய்யவேண்டும் என்று விரும்புகிறார்கள் என்பதை எனக்கு இன்னும் கொஞ்சம் சொல்லும்படி கேட்டேன். மலட்டுத்தன்மையைவிட அவர்களுடைய கதையில் இன்னும் அதிகமாக இருந்தது என்று தெரியவந்தது. திருமணமான சிறிது காலத்திற்குள், தங்களுக்கு ஒரு பாலியல்பரவல்நோய் அல்லது STD இருப்பதைக் கண்டறிந்தனர். STD-கள் பொதுவாக பாலியல் தொடர்பின் மூலமாக மட்டுமே ஒருவரிடமிருந்து மற்றொருவருக்குப் பரவுகின்றன. இந்த குறிப்பிட்ட STD மிகவும் வேதனையானதாக இருந்தது—அவர்கள் அன்பு செய்யும்போதெல்லாம், அது மீண்டும் தலைதூக்கி அவர்களில் ஒருவருக்கோ மற்றவருக்கோ பாலுறுப்புகளில் வலியை ஏற்படுத்தும்.

திருமணத்திற்கு முன் இருவரும் மற்றவர்களுடன் பாலியல் ரீதியாக இயங்கியிருந்ததால், அவர்கள் இந்த STD-யை எப்படிப் பெற்றார்கள், அல்லது யார் அதை உறவில் கொண்டுவந்தார்கள் என்று அவர்களுக்குத் தெரியவில்லை. ஆனால் இதன் விளைவாக, மறையாத ஆழ்ந்த வேதனையும் வெறுப்பும் இருவருக்கும் ஏற்பட்டது.

அவர்களுடைய கருவுறுதலுக்காக ஜெபிப்பதற்கு முன், தங்கள் கடந்தகால செயல்களையும், தங்கள் பாவத்தால் ஏற்பட்ட தற்போதைய வேதனைகளையும் ஒருவருக்கொருவர் அறிக்கையிடும் ஒரு ஜெப நேரத்தில் நான் அவர்களை வழிநடத்தினேன். தேவன் அவர்கள் இருதயங்களில் செய்த குணமாக்கல் உடனடியாக அவர்கள் முகங்களில் தெரியவந்தது, மன்னிப்பினாலும் ஒருவரையொருவர் மறு-மதிப்பீடு செய்ததாலும் அவர்கள் ஒளிர்ந்தனர். அவர்களுடைய கருவுறுதலுக்காக ஜெபிக்கும் நேரம் வந்தபோது, அவர்கள் உடல்களையும் குணமாக்கும்படி தேவனிடம் வெறுமனே கேட்பது தவிர வேறொன்றும் செய்யவேண்டியிருக்கவில்லை.

அடுத்த சில மாதங்களில், அந்த ஜெபங்கள் தங்கள் திருமணத்திலும் தங்கள் பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையிலும் ஏற்படுத்திய மகத்தான வேறுபாட்டைப் பற்றி சொல்ல கணவன் என்னை பலமுறை அழைத்தார். ஒரு வருடத்திற்குச் சற்று மேலாக, இந்த “மலட்டுத்தன்மையுள்ள” தம்பதி ஒரு பிள்ளையைப் பெற்றெடுத்தனர்—அவர்களது புதுப்பிக்கப்பட்ட நெருக்கத்தின் பலன். தங்கள் முந்தைய பாவத்தின் நோயை இன்னும் தங்கள் உடல்களில் சுமந்திருந்தாலும், அந்த நிலையைத் தாண்டி, தங்கள் வாழ்க்கைக்கான—தங்கள் பிள்ளையின் வாழ்க்கைக்கான—தன் திட்டத்தைத் தொடர தேவன் ஒரு வழியைக் கண்டறிந்தார்.

நம் அறிக்கையின் ஜெபங்கள் வல்லமையானவை. அவை உண்மையான, நடைமுறை விளைவை ஏற்படுத்துகின்றன. ஆனால் நாம் விரும்புவதைப் பெறுவதற்கு உதவும் ஒரு “மந்திர சூத்திரம்” அல்ல அவை. உண்மையில், மேலே நான் குறிப்பிட்ட தம்பதி தங்கள் முதல் பிள்ளைக்குப் பின் இன்னும் பிள்ளைகளை விரும்பினர், ஆனால் மீண்டும் கருவுற முடியவில்லை. நம் ஜெபங்கள் எப்படி பதிலளிக்கப்படுகின்றன அல்லது இல்லை என்பதற்குப் பல காரணிகள் பங்களிக்கமுடியும், அதனால்தான் விளைவு எதுவாக இருந்தாலும் ஞானத்திற்கான தொடர்ச்சியான ஜெபங்களும் தேவனில் தொடர்ச்சியான நம்பிக்கையும் முக்கியம். ஆனால் அறிக்கை, நம் வாழ்க்கைக்கான தேவனுடைய திட்டங்களுடன் தொடர நமக்குத் தேவையான குணமாக்கலைத் தரக்கூடிய காரியங்களில் ஒன்றாக இருக்கமுடியும். வேதாகமம் சொல்கிறது,

“நீங்கள் சொஸ்தமாகும்படிக்கு, உங்கள் குற்றங்களை ஒருவருக்கொருவர் அறிக்கையிட்டு, ஒருவருக்காகவொருவர் ஜெபம்பண்ணுங்கள். நீதிமானுடைய ஊக்கமான வேண்டுதல் மிகவும் பெலனுள்ளதாயிருக்கிறது” (யாக்கோபு 5:16).

தங்கள் பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையில் ஒரு தடையில் நின்றுவிட்ட மற்றவர்களுடன் பேசும்போது இதே முறை மீண்டும் மீண்டும் நிகழ்வதை நான் கண்டிருக்கிறேன். முதலில் தேவனிடமும், பின்பு தங்கள் துணைவரிடமும் இறுதியாக தங்கள் பாவங்களை அறிக்கையிடும்போது அவர்கள் பெரும்பாலும் ஒரு முன்னேற்றத்தைக் காண்கிறார்கள்.

பல வருடங்களாக ஆபாசத்துடனும் சட்டவிரோதமான அரட்டையறைகளுடனும் போராடிய ஒரு ஆண் தன் பாவத்தை என்னிடம் அறிக்கையிட்டான். நாங்கள் ஒன்றாக ஜெபித்து, அவன் செய்ததற்காக தேவனுடைய மன்னிப்பைத் தேடினோம். அவனுடைய பாவம் அவர்களுடைய பாலியல் உறவையும் பாதித்திருந்ததால், அதை தன் மனைவியிடமும் அறிக்கையிடும்படி நான் அவனை ஊக்குவித்தேன். அவளிடம் அதை அறிக்கையிட அவன் பயந்திருந்தாலும், அவன் அப்படிச் செய்தான். அவள் அவனை மன்னித்தபோது, அவனைப் பிடித்திருந்த ஆபாசத்திலிருந்து மட்டுமல்ல, மீண்டும் தன் மனைவியை நெருக்கமாக நேசிக்கவும் அவன் இறுதியாக விடுதலையானான்.

தன் மனைவியுடன் மெய்யான நெருக்கத்தில் பல வருடங்களாகப் போராடியதாக இன்னொரு ஆண் என்னிடம் அறிக்கையிட்டான். அவள் தன்னைவிட்டுச் சென்றுவிடுவாள் என்ற பயத்தால் தன் மனைவியிடம் ஒருபோதும் பகிராத தன் வாழ்க்கையின் சில தனிப்பட்ட போராட்டங்களை என்னிடம் சொன்னான். தன் மனைவியுடன் தான் விரும்பும் மெய்யான நெருக்கத்தை அடைய, அந்தக் காரியங்களை அவளிடம் அறிக்கையிடவேண்டும் என்று நான் அவனை ஊக்குவித்தேன். மிகுந்த பயத்துடனும் நடுக்கத்துடனும், அவன் அப்படிச் செய்தான். அவனுடைய மனைவி அதிர்ச்சியடைந்தாள், நடக்கச் சென்று ஜெபித்தாள். திரும்பி வந்தபோது, அவள் அவனிடம் சொன்னாள்: “நான் இன்னும் உன்னை நேசிக்கிறேன்.” பின்பு அவன் என்னிடம் சொன்னான், “எரிக், அவள் என்னை நேசிக்கிறாள் என்று ஆயிரக்கணக்கான முறை சொல்லியிருக்கிறாள், ஆனால் இதுவே அவளை நான் மெய்யாகவே நம்பிய முதல் முறை.”

வாழ்க்கையை மாற்றும் தொழிலில் தேவன் இருக்கிறார். ஆயிரக்கணக்கான வருடங்களாக, பாலியல் பாவத்திலிருந்து மக்களின் வாழ்க்கையைத் திருப்பிவந்திருக்கிறார். சுமார் 2,000 வருடங்களுக்கு முன் கொரிந்து சபையிலுள்ள கிறிஸ்தவர்களுக்கு அப்போஸ்தலனாகிய பவுல் எழுதிய கடிதத்தில் இதைப் படியுங்கள்:

“அநீதிக்காரர் தேவனுடைய ராஜ்யத்தைச் சுதந்தரிப்பதில்லையென்று அறியீர்களா? வஞ்சிக்கப்படாதிருங்கள்; வேசிமார்க்கமாய் நடக்கிறவர்களானாலும், விக்கிரகாராதனைக்காரராயிருந்தாலும், விபசாரக்காரராயிருந்தாலும்… திருடராயிருந்தாலும், பொருளாசைக்காரராயிருந்தாலும், வெறிகொண்டாடிகளாயிருந்தாலும்… தேவனுடைய ராஜ்யத்தைச் சுதந்தரிப்பதில்லை. உங்களில் சிலர் இப்படிப்பட்டவர்களாயிருந்தீர்கள்; ஆனாலும் கர்த்தராகிய இயேசுவின் நாமத்தினாலேயும் நமது தேவனுடைய ஆவியினாலேயும் கழுவப்பட்டீர்கள், பரிசுத்தமாக்கப்பட்டீர்கள், நீதிமான்களாக்கப்பட்டீர்கள்” (1 கொரிந்தியர் 6:9-11).

அதில் மிகுதியாகச் சொல்லும் ஒரு சிறு வார்த்தை இருக்கிறது: அது இருந்தீர்கள் என்ற சிறு வினைச்சொல். “உங்களில் சிலர் இப்படிப்பட்டவர்களாய் இருந்தீர்கள்.” எல்லாவகையான பாவங்களுடன் அவர்கள் போராடினர், ஆனால் அப்படியே தங்கவில்லை. நான் மாற்றப்பட்டதுபோலவே, அவர்களும் மாற்றப்பட்டு, உருமாற்றம் அடைந்து, மீண்டும் புதியவர்களாக்கப்பட்டனர். நம் பாவத்திற்கான விளைவுகள் இருந்தாலும், அவற்றில் சில வாழ்நாள் முழுவதும் நீடிக்கக்கூடும் என்றாலும், கர்த்தராகிய இயேசுகிறிஸ்துவின் நாமத்திலும் நம் தேவனுடைய ஆவியிலும் கழுவப்பட்டு, பரிசுத்தமாக்கப்பட்டு, நீதிமான்களாக்கப்பட முடியாத அளவுக்கு எதுவும் தீவிரமானதல்ல.

தேவன் அளிக்கும்தூய்மை

அறிக்கை என்பது ஆத்துமாவுக்கு நல்லது மட்டுமல்ல. தேவன் உங்களை வாழும்படி உண்டாக்கிய வாழ்க்கையை இறுதியாக வாழ்வதற்கும் அது நல்லது.

உங்கள் வாழ்க்கையில் அறிக்கையிடப்படாத பாவத்துடன் நீங்கள் போராடிக்கொண்டிருந்தால், அதை எப்போது, எங்கே, யாரிடம் அறிக்கையிடுவது என்பதை ஜெபத்துடன் யோசிக்கும்படி உங்களை ஊக்குவிக்க விரும்புகிறேன். உங்கள் பாவங்களை தேவனிடமும் நீங்கள் நேசிப்பவர்களிடமும் ஒப்புக்கொள்வது பயமுறுத்துவதாகத் தோன்றலாம், ஆனால் உண்மை என்னவென்றால் தேவனுக்கு அவை ஏற்கெனவே தெரியும்—நீங்கள் நேசிப்பவர்களும் ஏற்கெனவே அவற்றின் விளைவுகளை உணர்ந்திருக்கக்கூடும். இறுதியாக அவற்றை அறிக்கையிடுவது, காரியங்கள் மாறத் தொடங்குவதற்கு மூலகாரணத்தைக் கண்டறிய உதவும்.

நம்மில் எவரும் பாவமற்றவர்கள் அல்ல, ஆனால் நம்மில் எவரும் தேவனுடைய மன்னிப்பிற்கு அப்பாற்பட்டவர்களும் அல்ல. நாம் நம் பாவங்களை அவரிடம் அறிக்கையிடும்போதெல்லாம், நம்மை மன்னித்து மீண்டும் தூய்மையுள்ளவர்களாக்குவேன் என்று அவர் வாக்குப்பண்ணுகிறார்.

“நமக்குப் பாவமில்லையென்போமானால் நம்மை நாமே வஞ்சிக்கிறவர்களாயிருப்போம், சத்தியம் நமக்குள் இராது. நம்முடைய பாவங்களை நாம் அறிக்கையிட்டால், அவர் உண்மையும் நீதியும் உள்ளவராகையால், நம்முடைய பாவங்களை நமக்கு மன்னித்து, எல்லா அநீதியையும் நீக்கி நம்மைச் சுத்திகரிப்பார்” (1 யோவான் 1:8-9).

அறிக்கையின் ஜெபம் உங்களுக்கு எப்போதேனும் தேவைப்பட்டு, என்ன சொல்வதென்று தெரியாவிட்டால், நீங்கள் தொடங்க உதவும் சில வார்த்தைகள் இதோ. ஒரு இருதயப்பூர்வமான ஜெபம் உங்கள் வாழ்க்கையின் திருப்புமுனையாகவும் ஆகக்கூடும்.

பிதாவே, உமக்கு விரோதமாகவும் மற்றவர்களுக்கு விரோதமாகவும் நான் செய்த பாவங்களுக்காக மன்னிக்கவேண்டுமென்று கேட்கிறேன். இந்தப் பாவங்களுக்கு நான் ஈடுசெய்யமுடியாது என்று அறிவேன், ஆனால் சிலுவையில் மரித்தபோதே இயேசு அவற்றுக்கான விலையை ஏற்கெனவே செலுத்திவிட்டார் என்றும் அறிவேன். இப்போது என் முழு விசுவாசத்தையும் நம்பிக்கையையும் இயேசுவின்மேல் வைத்து, என் வாழ்க்கையின் கர்த்தராக அவர் இருக்கும்படி கேட்டுக்கொள்கிறேன். உம்முடைய பரிசுத்த ஆவியால் என்னை நிரப்பும், அதனால் உம் பார்வையில் நான் மீண்டும் கழுவப்பட்டு, சுத்திகரிக்கப்பட்டு, நீதிமானாக்கப்படுவேன். இதையெல்லாம் இயேசுவின் நாமத்தில் ஜெபிக்கிறேன், ஆமென்.

மறுஆய்வுகேள்விகள்

1. நாம் பாவம் செய்துகொண்டிருந்தபோதும் நம்மேலுள்ள தம்முடைய அன்பைக் காண்பிக்க தேவன் என்ன செய்தார்? (ரோமர் 5:8)

2. குருடர்கள் குணமாக விரும்பியபோது இயேசு அவர்களிடம் என்ன கேள்வி கேட்டார்? (மத்தேயு 9:28)

3. நாம் சொஸ்தமாகும்படி நாம் செய்யக்கூடிய ஒரு காரியம் என்னவென்று யாக்கோபு சொல்கிறார்? (யாக்கோபு 5:16)

4. நம் பாவங்களை தேவனிடம் அறிக்கையிட்டால் அவர் என்ன செய்வதாக வாக்குப்பண்ணுகிறார்? (1 யோவான் 1:8-9)

அத்தியாயம் 5
உங்கள்துணைவரை அறிதல்

“ஆதாம் தன் மனைவியாகிய ஏவாளை அறிந்தான்; அவள் கர்ப்பவதியாகி காயீனைப் பெற்றெடுத்தாள்.”
ஆதியாகமம் 4:1, NKJV

மனிதன் நீண்ட தூரம் வந்துவிட்டான், இனி தேவன் தேவையில்லை என்று ஒன்றுகூடி முடிவெடுத்த விஞ்ஞானிகளின் குழுவைப் பற்றி நீங்கள் கேள்விப்பட்டிருக்கலாம்.

தாங்கள் அவரை இனி விரும்பவில்லை என்று சொல்ல ஒரு விஞ்ஞானியை அவர்கள் தேர்ந்தெடுத்தனர். அந்த விஞ்ஞானி தேவனிடம் சென்று, “தேவனே, எங்களுக்கு இனி நீர் தேவையில்லை என்று நாங்கள் முடிவெடுத்திருக்கிறோம். மக்களை நகல் செய்யவும் பல அற்புதமான காரியங்களைச் செய்யவும் முடியும் என்ற அளவிற்கு நாங்கள் வந்திருக்கிறோம், எனவே தயவுசெய்து சென்று மறைந்துவிடும்” என்றான்.

தேவன் பொறுமையாக அந்த மனிதனின் பேச்சைக் கேட்டார், விஞ்ஞானி பேசி முடிந்தபோது தேவன் சொன்னார், “சரி! இதைச் செய்யலாமா? ஒரு மனிதனை உருவாக்கும் போட்டி வைப்போம்.”

அதற்கு அந்த மனிதன், “சரி, நல்லது!” என்று பதிலளித்தான்.

ஆனால் தேவன் மேலும் சொன்னார், “இப்போது, முன்பு ஆதாமுடன் நான் செய்ததைப் போலவே இதைச் செய்யப்போகிறோம்.”

விஞ்ஞானி, “சரி, பிரச்சினை இல்லை” என்று சொல்லி, குனிந்து ஒரு பிடி மண்ணை எடுத்துக்கொண்டான்.

தேவன் அவனை வெறுமனே பார்த்து, “இல்லை, இல்லை, இல்லை. போய் உன் சொந்த மண்ணை எடுத்துக்கொள்!” என்றார்.

ஒரு ஆணின் விந்தணுவும் ஒரு பெண்ணின் அண்டமும் அவர்கள் உடலிலிருந்து எடுக்கப்பட்டு பரிசோதனைக் குழாயில் இணைக்கப்படும் in vitro கருத்தரிப்பு போன்ற நமது புதிய இனப்பெருக்கத் தொழில்நுட்பங்கள் குறிப்பிடத்தக்கவை என்று நாம் நினைக்கலாம். அல்லது ஒரு உடலிலிருந்து சில செல்களை எடுத்து, மற்றொரு உடலிலிருந்து ஒரு அண்டத்துடன் இணைத்து, மலட்டு ஆய்வகத்தில் மின்சார அதிர்வூட்டல் மூலம் அவற்றுக்குள் உயிரைத் தூண்ட முயற்சிக்கும் நகல்செய்தல் (குளோனிங்) போன்றவை. இந்தத் தொழில்நுட்பங்கள் குறிப்பிடத்தக்கவைதான், ஆனால் ஒரு புதிய உயிரை முதலில் உண்டாக்க தேவன் செக்ஸை வடிவமைத்த விதத்துடன் ஒப்பிடும்போது, எந்தச் செயல்முறை இன்னும் குறிப்பிடத்தக்கது—இன்னும் இன்பமானது—என்பதில் என் மனதில் எந்தச் சந்தேகமும் இல்லை!

தேர்வு கொடுக்கப்பட்டால், பெரும்பாலான மக்கள் பழைய முறையிலேயே ஒரு புதிய உயிரை உண்டாக்க விரும்புவார்கள் என்று நான் நினைக்கிறேன்: வெறும் குழந்தைகளை உருவாக்குவதன் மூலமல்ல, அன்பு செய்வதன் மூலமாக. இதற்கான காரணம் அன்பு செய்வது மகத்தான இன்பமளிக்கும் என்பதைவிட ஆழமானது.

யாதா!

தேவன் நம் கணவனையோ மனைவியையோ ஆழமாகவும் நெருக்கமாகவும் அறிய விரும்புவதே அதற்கான காரணம், அவர்களுடன் அன்பு செய்வது அவர்களை நாம் அறியக்கூடிய மிக ஆழமான வழிகளில் ஒன்று. உண்மையில், அன்பு செய்வதை விவரிக்க வேதாகமத்தில் அடிக்கடி பயன்படுத்தப்படும் எபிரெய வார்த்தைகளில் ஒன்று யாதா, அதன் நேரடிப் பொருள் “அறிதல்” என்பதே.

உதாரணமாக, வேதாகமம் சொல்கிறது:

“ஆதாம் தன் மனைவியாகிய ஏவாளை அறிந்தான்; அவள் கர்ப்பவதியாகி காயீனைப் பெற்றெடுத்தாள்” (ஆதியாகமம் 4:1; ஆதியாகமம் 4:17, 1 சாமுவேல் 1:19-ஐயும் பார்க்கவும், NKJV).

வேதாகம அர்த்தத்தில், ஒருவரை அறிதல் என்றால் அவர்களுடன் பாலியல் உறவு கொள்வது என்று பொருள். நெருக்கம் (intimacy) என்ற வார்த்தையின் பொருளை நினைவில் வைத்திருக்க எளிதான வழி “என்னுள்-பார்த்தல்” (into-me-see) என்ற சொற்றொடரை நினைப்பதே. நாம் நம் கணவனுடனோ மனைவியுடனோ நெருக்கமாக இருக்கும்போது, அவர்கள் நமக்குள் பார்க்க நாம் அனுமதிக்கிறோம், அவர்களுக்குள் பார்க்க அவர்களும் நமக்கு அனுமதிக்கிறார்கள்.

உங்கள் துணைவரை தேவன் ஏன் இவ்வளவு நெருக்கமாக அறிய விரும்புகிறார்? ஏனெனில், உங்கள் கைகளையும், கண்களையும், வார்த்தைகளையும், காதுகளையும், இருதயத்தையும்—உங்கள் முழு இருப்பையும்—பயன்படுத்தி, உங்கள் சொந்த அன்பையும், அவருடைய அன்பையும் அவர்களுக்குத் தெரிவிக்க தேவன் விரும்புகிறார்.

உங்கள் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை நிறைவேற்ற தேவன் எவ்வளவு விரும்புகிறாரோ, அதேபோல உங்கள்துணைவரின் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களையும்—உங்கள் மூலமாக—நிறைவேற்ற அவர் விரும்புகிறார்! அதை திறமையாகச் செய்ய, தேவன் உங்கள் துணைவரைத் தொடவேண்டும் என்று விரும்பும் விதத்தில் நீங்கள் அவர்களைத் தொடமுடியும்படி, உங்கள் துணைவரை ஆழமாகவும் நெருக்கமாகவும் அறிவது மிக முக்கியமானது.

அவளைஏன்மணக்கக்கூடாது?

லானாவின் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை நிறைவேற்ற தேவன் என் மூலமாக இயங்க விரும்புகிறார் என்பது எனக்கு முதன்முதலில் தோன்றியது, நான் அவளை மணப்பதைப் பற்றி நினைப்பதற்கு முன்பே தொடங்கியது.

லானா இன்னும் மிச்சிகனில் வாழ்ந்துகொண்டிருந்தாள், நான் டெக்சாஸில் இருந்தேன். கல்லூரியில் நாங்கள் காதலித்திருந்தாலும், இரண்டு வருடங்களுக்கு முன் நாங்கள் பிரிந்திருந்தோம், ஆனால் அவ்வப்போது தொலைபேசியில் பேசிக்கொண்டேயிருந்தோம். ஒரு இரவு, தன் தற்போதைய வேலையில் தொடர்வதை தேவன் விரும்புகிறாரா என்று தான் யோசித்துக்கொண்டிருப்பதாக லானா என்னிடம் சொன்னாள். அந்த வாரம் நான் ஒரு சிறப்பான ஜெப, உபவாச நேரத்தைத் திட்டமிட்டிருப்பதாகவும், அவளுடைய வேலை முடிவைப் பற்றியும் ஜெபிப்பேன் என்றும் நான் அவளிடம் சொன்னேன்.

என் உபவாசத்தின் இரண்டாம் நாளுக்குள், நான் ஆவிக்குரிய வலிமையை உணர்ந்தேன், ஆனால் சற்று தலைச்சுற்றலாகவும் இருந்தேன். ஜெபிக்க வேலையிலிருந்து விடுப்பு எடுத்து, டெக்சாஸின் அரும்பச்சூட்டில் ஒரு நீச்சல்குளத்தின் ஓரமாக அமர்ந்திருந்தேன். லானாவுக்காக ஜெபிக்கத் தொடங்கியபோது, அவளை ஒரு பெரிய நிறுவனத்தில் வாழ்நாள் முழுவதும் உடையணிந்து வேலை செய்கிறவளாக நான் கற்பனை செய்யவில்லை—வீட்டில், திருமணமாகி குடும்பத்தை வளர்க்கிறவளாக நான் அவளை கற்பனை செய்தேன்.

இதுவே,கர்த்தாவே! அவளுக்குவேறொருவேலைதேவையில்லை. அவள்வீட்டிலேயேஇருக்கும்படி அவளைப்பராமரிக்கும்ஒருகணவனே அவளுக்குத்தேவை. தேவன் அவளுக்கு ஒரு கணவனைக் கொண்டுவரும்படி நான் ஜெபிக்கத் தொடங்கினேன்.

பின்பு என் முன்னால் இருந்த தண்ணீரைப்போலவே தெளிவாக இந்த வார்த்தைகள் என் மனதில் மிதந்தன: “நீயே அவளை ஏன் மணக்கக்கூடாது?”

என்ன?!?நான் அதைப்பற்றியேஜெபிக்கவில்லை! என் உபவாசம் நான் நினைத்ததைவிட அதிகமாக என்னைப் பாதித்திருக்கலாம்!

ஆனால் இரண்டு வாரங்களுக்குப் பிறகு, என் உபவாசம் முடிந்தபின்பும், அந்தக் கேள்வி இன்னும் என் மனதின் முன்னணியிலேயே இருந்தது: “நீயே அவளை ஏன் மணக்கக்கூடாது?”

நானே என்னிடம் அதே கேள்வியைக் கேட்கத் தொடங்கினேன்: “நான் ஏன் அவளை மணக்கக்கூடாது?” நான் அவளை விரும்பாததால் அல்ல. உண்மையில், கல்லூரியில் நாங்கள் காதலித்தபோது, நான் அவள்மேல் முழுமையாகக் காதலில் இருந்தேன். ஆனால் இரண்டு வருடங்களுக்கு முன் நாங்கள் பிரிந்ததற்குக் காரணம், தேவன் ஏற்கெனவே என் இருதயத்தில் வேலை செய்துகொண்டிருந்தார், அவளிடமிருந்து பிரிந்துசெல்லும்படி என்னைத் தூண்டுவது அவரே என்று நான் உணர்ந்தேன். அந்த நேரத்தில், நாங்கள் பிரியவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் ஏன் விரும்புவார் என்று எனக்குக்கூடத் தெரியவில்லை. ஆனால் எங்கள் பிரிவுக்குப் பின் வந்த மாதங்களில், இருவரும் கிறிஸ்துவின்மேல் எங்கள் விசுவாசத்தை வைத்தோம். பின்பு செக்ஸைப் பற்றி தேவன் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்று கற்றுக்கொள்ளத் தொடங்கினோம், நாங்கள் செய்துகொண்டிருந்தது தவறு என்று உணர்ந்தோம்.

இப்போது, இரண்டு வருடங்களுக்குப் பிறகு, இருவரும் எங்கள் வாழ்க்கையைக் கிறிஸ்துவிடம் கொடுத்தபின், ஒருவேளை தேவன் மெய்யாகவே நாங்கள் மீண்டும் ஒன்றுசேர வேண்டும் என்று விரும்பினாரோ! எப்படியாவது இதைக் கண்டறியவேண்டியிருந்தது, எனவே இந்தக் கேள்வி மெய்யாகவே தேவனிடமிருந்து வந்ததா இல்லையா என்று ஜெபித்துப் பார்க்க அடுத்த மூன்று மாதங்களை ஒதுக்க முடிவெடுத்தேன். லானாவும் நானும் அவ்வப்போது பேசினாலும், என் ஜெபங்களைப் பற்றி நான் அவளிடம் சொல்லவில்லை, அவளுக்காகவும் எனக்காகவும். ஓர் உறவின் அழுத்தமின்றி தேவனிடமிருந்து தெளிவாகக் கேட்க மட்டுமே நான் விரும்பினேன்.

அடுத்த சில மாதங்களில், இதுவரை நான் உணர்ந்திராத அளவுக்கு லானாவின்மேல் ஒரு அன்பை தேவன் என் இருதயத்தில் வைத்தார். தூரத்திலிருந்து அவளுக்குச் செவிசாய்த்து, எனக்கு முக்கியமான காரியங்களில்—கிறிஸ்துவுடனான அவளது உறவு, அவளுடைய கனவுகள் மற்றும் விருப்பங்கள்—அவள் எப்படி உணர்கிறாள் என்பதைக் காணமுடிந்தது. தேவன் அவளைப் பார்க்கும் விதத்திலேயே நான் அவளைப் பார்க்க முயற்சித்தேன், தேவன் விரும்பும் விதத்தில் அவளுடைய தேவைகளை நான் மெய்யாகவே பூர்த்தி செய்யமுடியுமா என்று காண.

மூன்று மாத ஜெபம் முடியும் நேரத்தில், நான் வெடிக்கும் தருவாயில் இருந்தேன்! அவளை நான் மணக்க அனுமதிக்கவில்லையானால் நான் அவரிடம் மெய்யாகவே கோபமாக இருப்பேன் என்று தேவனிடம் சொல்லும் அளவுக்கு நான் அவளுடன் காதலில் இருந்தேன்!

திருமணத்திற்குமுன்உங்கள்துணைவரை அறிதல்

நாம் யாரை மணக்கிறோம் என்பதைப் பற்றி தேவன் ஆழமாகக் கவலைப்படுகிறார். காலத்தின் தொடக்கத்திலிருந்தே நாம் யாரை மணக்கவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் முன்கூட்டியே திட்டமிட்டிருக்கிறாரா என்று எனக்குத் தெரியாது. ஆனால் இந்த முடிவில் அவருக்கு நிச்சயமாக ஒரு பங்கு இருக்கிறது என்பது எனக்குத் தெரியும்.

நாம் நம் துணைவரை மணப்பதற்கு முன்பே அவர்களைப் பற்றி தேவன் நாம் அறியவேண்டும் என்று விரும்பும் சில காரியங்கள் உண்டு. வேதாகமத்தின் பல இடங்களில், அவர் நம்மை மணக்கவேண்டும் என்று விரும்பும் நபரைப் பற்றி தேவன் தெளிவான வழிகாட்டுதல்களையும், குறிப்பிட்ட வழிகாட்டலையும் நமக்குத் தருகிறார்.

எங்கள் முதல் இரண்டு பிள்ளைகள் இளையவர்களாக இருந்தபோது, தாங்கள் பெரியவர்களானதும் ஒருவரையொருவர் மணந்துகொள்ளலாமா என்று அவர்கள் யோசித்தது எனக்கு நினைவிருக்கிறது. அந்த நேரத்தில் அவர்கள் அப்படி நினைக்கும் அளவுக்கு ஒருவரையொருவர் விரும்பியதில் எனக்கு மகிழ்ச்சி, ஆனால் நாங்கள் சொன்னோம், “இல்லை, தேவன் உங்களுக்கு வேறு ஒருவரை மணக்கத் தருவார்.”

இதை நாங்கள் எப்படி அறிந்தோம், அவர்கள் அறியவில்லை? ஏனெனில் அது சட்டத்திற்கு விரோதமானது என்று நாங்கள் அறிந்தோம், அவர்கள் அறியவில்லை, மேலும் நாங்கள் அதை வேதாகமத்தில் வாசித்திருந்தோம், அவர்கள் வாசிக்கவில்லை. நாம் சாதாரணமாக எடுத்துக்கொள்ளும் சில காரியங்கள், நாமோ அல்லது நமக்கு முன் வாழ்ந்த ஒருவரோ தேவனுடைய வார்த்தையில் அவற்றைக் கண்டறிந்திருப்பதால் மட்டுமே நமக்குத் தெளிவாக இருக்கின்றன. நாம் யாரை மணக்கவேண்டும்—யாரை மணக்கக் கூடாது—என்பதற்காக வேதாகமத்தில் தேவன் தரும் சில பொதுவான வழிகாட்டுதல்கள் இதோ.

கிறிஸ்துவில் விசுவாசிகள் மற்ற விசுவாசிகளையே மணக்கவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார்: “அவிசுவாசிகளுடன்இணைந்தநுகத்தில்பிணைக்கப்படாதிருங்கள்;நீதிக்கும் அநீதிக்கும்என்னதொடர்புஉண்டு?” (2 கொரிந்தியர் 6:14அ).

நம் இருதயங்களை தன்னைவிட்டுத் திருப்பிவிடக்கூடிய ஒருவரை நாம் மணக்கவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்பவில்லை: “[மற்றதெய்வங்களைச்சேவிக்கும்] அவர்களுடன்திருமணஉறவுவைக்கவேண்டாம்,ஏனெனில் அவர்கள்நிச்சயமாகஉங்கள்இருதயங்களை அவர்களுடையதெய்வங்களைப்பின்பற்றும்படிதிருப்பிவிடுவார்கள்” (1 இராஜாக்கள் 11:2ஆ).

பாலியல் உறவுகளுக்கு—அதனால் திருமணத்திற்கும்—யார் தடைசெய்யப்பட்டவர்கள் என்று தேவன் நமக்குச் சொல்கிறார்:

நெருங்கிய உறவினர் எவருடனும் நாம் பாலியல் உறவு கொள்ளக்கூடாது: “நெருங்கியஉறவினர்எவரையும்பாலியல்உறவுக்காகநெருங்கக்கூடாது.நானேகர்த்தர்” (லேவியராகமம் 18:6). அதே அதிகாரத்தில், நம் பெற்றோர், பிள்ளைகள், சகோதர சகோதரிகள், தாத்தா பாட்டி, பேரப்பிள்ளைகள், அத்தை மாமா, மருமகன் மருமகள் ஆகியோரை நெருங்கிய உறவினர்கள் என்று தேவன் வரையறுக்கிறார்;

ஏற்கெனவே திருமணமான யாருடனும் நாம் பாலியல் உறவு கொள்ளக்கூடாது, அது விபசாரம் ஆகும்; “உன் அயலானின்மனைவியுடன்பாலியல்உறவுவைத்துஉன்னை அவளுடன் அசுத்தப்படுத்தாதே” (லேவியராகமம் 18:20);

மிருகங்களுடனும் கூடாது, இது மிருகவேட்கை என்று அழைக்கப்படுகிறது: “மிருகத்துடன்பாலியல்உறவுவைத்துஉன்னை அதனுடன் அசுத்தப்படுத்தாதே” (லேவியராகமம் 18:23அ);

நம்முடன் அதே பாலினத்தவருடனும் கூடாது, இது ஆண்களிடையே ஓரினச்சேர்க்கை என்றும் பெண்களிடையே லெஸ்பியனிசம் என்றும் அழைக்கப்படுகிறது: “பெண்ணுடன்படுப்பதுபோலஆணுடன்படுக்கவேண்டாம்; அது அருவருப்பானது” (லேவியராகமம் 18:22) மற்றும் “இதன்நிமித்தம்தேவன் அவர்களைஇழிவானஇச்சைகளுக்குஒப்புக்கொடுத்தார். அவர்களுடையபெண்கள்கூடஇயற்கையானஉறவைஇயற்கைக்குவிரோதமானஉறவாகமாற்றிக்கொண்டார்கள். அப்படியேஆண்களும்பெண்களுடனானஇயற்கையானஉறவைவிட்டு,ஒருவர்மேல்ஒருவர்இச்சையால்தகித்து,ஆண்களோடுஆண்கள்நாணமில்லாதகாரியங்களைச்செய்து,தங்கள்தவறுக்குரியபலனைத்தங்களுக்குள் அடைந்தார்கள்” (ரோமர் 1:26-27).

யார் மணக்கவேண்டும் என்பதைப் பற்றி தேவனுடைய கருத்தைக் கேட்கும் வேதாகமத்தின் நபர்கள் எப்போதும் ஆசீர்வதிக்கப்படுகிறார்கள், ஈசாக்கும் ரெபெக்காளும் (ஆதியாகமம் 24-ஐப் பார்க்கவும்) யாக்கோபும் ராகேலும் (ஆதியாகமம் 29-ஐப் பார்க்கவும்) போன்று. தேவனுடைய அறிவுரையைப் பின்பற்றாதவர்கள் எப்போதும் விலை செலுத்துகிறார்கள், அம்னோனும் தாமாரும் (2 சாமுவேல் 13:1-21-ஐப் பார்க்கவும்) சாலொமோனும் அவனுடைய அந்நிய மனைவிகளும் (1 இராஜாக்கள் 11:1-4-ஐப் பார்க்கவும்) போன்று.

இது எந்த திருமணத்தையும் தேவனால் மீட்டு மீட்டெடுக்க முடியாது என்று சொல்வதல்ல—ஏனெனில் அவரால் அது முடியும், அவர் அதைச் செய்திருக்கிறார்! பலமுறை அவர் அதைச் செய்வதை நான் பார்த்திருக்கிறேன்! ஆனால் தேவன் முதலில் என்ன சொல்கிறார் என்று கேட்காமல் திருமணத்திற்குள் நுழைந்தவர்கள், தேவனுடைய அறிவுரையைப் பின்பற்றியிருக்கலாம் என்று விரும்புவதை உங்களுக்கு முதலில் சொல்பவர்களாக இருப்பார்கள்.

நீங்கள் யாரை மணக்கிறீர்கள் என்று தேவன் கவலைப்படுகிறார், ஏனெனில் அவர் உங்களைப் பற்றி கவலைப்படுகிறார், உங்கள் துணைவரைப் பற்றி கவலைப்படுகிறார், உங்கள் திருமணத்தால் விளையக்கூடிய பிள்ளைகளைப் பற்றியும் கவலைப்படுகிறார்.

தேவனிடமிருந்துஒருபரிசு

லானாவை மணப்பதைப் பற்றி நான் ஜெபித்த அந்த மூன்று மாதங்களில், அவளைப் பற்றி பல காரியங்களை என்னால் கண்டறியமுடிந்தது. அவள் ஒரு விசுவாசி என்பதையும், கர்த்தருடனான என் நடையில் என்னை அவள் ஊக்குவிப்பாள் என்பதையும், என்னை அவரிடமிருந்து திருப்பமாட்டாள் என்பதையும் என்னால் காணமுடிந்தது. அவள் நெருங்கிய உறவினர் இல்லை, திருமணமானவள் இல்லை, மிருகமும் இல்லை, ஆணும் இல்லை என்பது எனக்கு ஏற்கெனவே தெரியும். இதுவரை நன்றாகவே இருந்தது!

என் மூன்று மாத ஜெபம் முடிவுக்கு வந்தபோது, லானாவை அழைத்து என் இருதயத்தில் இருந்த அனைத்தையும் அவளிடம் சொல்ல முடிவெடுத்தேன். பேசத் தொடங்கியபோது, தன் வேலையை விட்டுவிட இறுதியாக முடிவெடுத்ததாக அவள் என்னிடம் சொன்னாள். அது சரியான காரியம் என்று அவளுக்குத் தெரிந்தது, ஆனால் அடுத்து என்ன செய்யப்போகிறேன் என்று அவளுக்குத் தெரியவில்லை. எனக்கு ஒரு யோசனை இருப்பதாக நான் அவளிடம் சொன்னேன்!

நாங்கள் ஒன்றாக ஜெபித்து ஒருவேளை திருமணமாகலாமா என்று யோசிக்க ஹூஸ்டனுக்கு குடிபெயரும்படி நான் அவளிடம் கேட்டபோது, அதிர்ச்சியடைந்தவளாக அவளே இருந்தாள்! என்ன?!? என்று அவள் நினைத்தாள். நான் அதைப்பற்றியேஜெபிக்கவில்லையே!

இப்போது அவளுக்கு அதைப் பற்றி ஜெபிக்க சிறிது நேரம் தேவைப்பட்டது. அடுத்த சில மாதங்களில், காத்திருப்பதைத் தவிர வேறு எதுவும் என்னால் செய்யமுடியவில்லை. இந்த நேரத்தில் ஒரு தருணத்தில், லானா என்ன முடிவெடுப்பாள் என்று மெய்யாகவே எனக்குத் தெரியாதபோது, வேதாகமத்தில் இந்தப் பகுதியை வாசித்தேன்:

“உன் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பத்தின்படி அவர் உனக்குக் கட்டளையிட்டு, உன் யோசனையையெல்லாம் நிறைவேற்றுவாராக. உம்முடைய ஜெயத்தைக்குறித்து நாங்கள் கெம்பீரித்து, எங்கள் தேவனுடைய நாமத்தினாலே கொடிகளை நாட்டுவோம்; கர்த்தர் உன் விண்ணப்பங்களையெல்லாம் நிறைவேற்றுவாராக” (சங்கீதம் 20:4-5).

மீண்டும், வேதாகமத்தின் வார்த்தைகள் பக்கத்திலிருந்து குதித்தெழுவதுபோல் தோன்றின. அந்த நொடியிலேயே லானாவே என் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பம் என்று எனக்குத் தெரிந்தது. அது ஒரு குழந்தையின் ஜெபம்போலத் தோன்றக்கூடும் என்று தெரிந்திருந்தும், “கர்த்தாவே, என் பாவங்களை மன்னித்து உம்முடன் நித்திய ஜீவனைத் தந்து, நான் தகுதியானதைவிட அதிகமாக ஏற்கெனவே எனக்குக் கொடுத்திருக்கிறீர். ஆனால் என் மீதமுள்ள வாழ்க்கைக்கு ஒரே ஒரு பரிசை மட்டும் கேட்கமுடியுமானால், அது லானாவை மணப்பதே” என்று நான் சொன்னேன். தேவன் என் விண்ணப்பத்தை நிறைவேற்றுவாரா என்று எனக்குத் தெரியவில்லை, விளைவு எதுவாக இருந்தாலும் அவரை நம்ப நான் தயாராக இருந்தேன், ஆனால் அவளை மணக்க அவர் என்னை அனுமதித்தால் சங்கீதம் 20-இல் சொல்லப்பட்டதுபோல் நான் “கெம்பீரிப்பேன்” என்பதும் எனக்குத் தெரியும்!

ஒரு வருடத்திற்குள், மணமேடையில் நின்று எங்கள் திருமண உறுதிமொழிகளைப் பரிமாறிக்கொண்டபோது, என் கண்களில் கண்ணீருடனும் தொண்டையில் அடைப்புடனும் லானாவைப் பார்த்து, “லானா, ‘உன் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பத்தை அவர் உனக்குத் தருவாராக’ என்று சங்கீதம் 20-ஐ வாசித்ததிலிருந்து, நீயே என் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பம் என்று எனக்குத் தெரியும்… நீ தேவனிடமிருந்து எனக்குக் கிடைத்த ஒரு பரிசு, உன்னை ஒரு பரிசாகவே நடத்தத் திட்டமிட்டிருக்கிறேன்” என்று சொன்னேன்.

அன்புசெய்தல்

ஒரு கணவனோ மனைவியோ மெய்யாகவே தேவனிடமிருந்து ஒரு பரிசு—அவர்களை பரிசுகளாகவே நடத்த தேவன் விரும்புகிறார். இதில் நாம் அவர்களை பாலியல் ரீதியாக நடத்தும் விதமும் அடங்கும். செக்ஸைப் பற்றிய பிரச்சினைகளில் ஒன்று, தேவன் விரும்புவதைக் கொடுப்பதற்குப் பதிலாக, மக்கள் அடிக்கடி தாங்கள் விரும்புவதைப் பெறுவதற்காக அதைப் பயன்படுத்துகிறார்கள். அன்புசெய்தல் என்பது செக்ஸிற்கான வேறொரு சொல் மட்டுமல்ல, நாம் அதை எப்படிச் செய்யவேண்டும் என்பதையும் அது விவரிக்கிறது.

லானாவைப் பார்த்து, தேவன்இப்போதுஇங்கேஇருந்தால், அவளைஆசீர்வதிக்க அவர்என்னசெய்வார் என்று நான் என்னையே கேட்டுக்கொள்ளும் நேரங்கள் உண்டு. அவளை ஒரு சிறப்பான வழியில் ஆசீர்வதிக்க என் கைகளையும், வார்த்தைகளையும், கண்களையும், காதுகளையும், இருதயத்தையும் அவர் எப்படிப் பயன்படுத்த விரும்புவார்? சில நேரங்களில் அவளுடைய நெற்றியைத் தடவவோ, அவளுடைய முடியைத் தழுவவோ, அவளுடைய உதடுகளிலும் கன்னங்களிலும் மென்மையான முத்தங்களைக் கொடுக்கவோ தேவன் விரும்புவதாக நான் உணருவேன். இதிலும் மகிழ்ச்சி அடையாமலிருப்பது எனக்கு கிட்டத்தட்ட சாத்தியமற்றது என்றாலும், இப்படிப்பட்ட நேரங்களில் என் நேர்மையான உள்நோக்கம் என் சொந்த விருப்பங்களைத் திருப்திசெய்வது அல்ல, அவளுடையதைத் திருப்திசெய்ய தேவன் என் மூலமாக இயங்கவிடுவதே. அவளை ஆசீர்வதிப்பதன் மூலம், என்னைத் திரும்ப ஆசீர்வதிக்க தேவன் அவளைப் பயன்படுத்துவதை நான் பொதுவாகக் காண்கிறேன்!

நம் துணைவரை ஆழமாகவும் நெருக்கமாகவும் அறிவதன் மூலம், அவர்களுடைய தேவைகளுக்கு நாம் இன்னும் சிறப்பாகப் பணியாற்றமுடியும். கணவன்மார்களும் மனைவிமார்களும் தங்கள் சொந்த உடல்களைப்போலவே ஒருவரையொருவர் உடல்களையும் கவனிக்கவேண்டும் என்று வேதாகமம் சொல்கிறது:

“இப்படியே புருஷர்களும் தங்கள் மனைவிகளைத் தங்கள் சொந்த சரீரங்களைப்போலவே நேசிக்கவேண்டும். தன் மனைவியை நேசிக்கிறவன் தன்னையே நேசிக்கிறான். ஒருவனும் ஒருபோதும் தன் சொந்த சரீரத்தை வெறுத்ததில்லை, கிறிஸ்து சபையைப் போஷிப்பதுபோலவே அதை போஷித்துப் பராமரிக்கிறான்—ஏனெனில் நாம் அவருடைய சரீரத்தின் அவயவங்களாயிருக்கிறோம்” (எபேசியர் 5:28-30).

வேடிக்கையாக, சிலர் செக்ஸ் வைக்க விரும்பாதபோது, “இன்றிரவு வேண்டாம், அன்பே, எனக்குத் தலைவலி” என்று தங்கள் துணைவரிடம் நகைச்சுவையாகச் சொல்வார்கள். ஆனால் உண்மையில், மருத்துவர் பரிந்துரைக்கும் அதுவே செக்ஸாக இருக்கலாம். எங்கள் திருமண வாழ்க்கை முழுவதிலும், என் மனைவிக்கு மெய்யாகவே தலைவலி இருக்கும்போதெல்லாம், தெய்வீக முறையிலான தழுவலும் அன்பு செய்தலும் முழுமையான குணமாக்கலைக் கொண்டுவந்திருப்பதை நான் ஆச்சரியத்துடன் கண்டிருக்கிறேன்! அவளுக்குத் தேவையான குணமாக்கலைக் கொண்டுவர தேவன் என் மூலமாக இயங்க முடிந்திருக்கிறது.

உங்கள் துணைவருடன் மெய்யாக அன்பு செய்வது எப்படி என்பதற்கான ஒரு சிறு பட்டியலை உங்களுக்குத் தர விரும்புகிறேன், இவை அனைத்தும் உங்கள் துணைவரை அறிவதைச் சுற்றியே அமைந்திருக்கின்றன.

1) ஒருவரையொருவர் அன்புடனும்மரியாதையுடனும்நடத்துங்கள். காயப்படுத்தும் அல்லது அவமரியாதையான எந்த விதத்திலும் இல்லாமல், நம் கைகளையும், உடல்களையும், வார்த்தைகளையும் பயன்படுத்தி தன் அன்பை நம் துணைவருக்குத் தெரிவிக்க தேவன் விரும்புகிறார். இது என் துணைவரை மகிழ்விக்கிறதா? அவர்களை மெய்யாகவே நேசிக்கப்பட்டதாகவும் மதிக்கப்பட்டதாகவும் உணரவைக்கிறதா? பாராட்டப்பட்டதாகவும் உண்மையாகக் கவனிக்கப்பட்டதாகவும் அவர்களை உணரவைக்கிறதா? “ஆனாலும்நீங்கள் அவனவன்தன்தன்மனைவியைத்தன்னைப்போலவேநேசிக்கக்கடவன்,மனைவியும்புருஷனுக்குப்பயந்திருக்கக்கடவள்” (எபேசியர் 5:33).

2) ஒருவரையொருவர்கட்டிஎழுப்புங்கள்,இடித்துவீழ்த்தாதீர்கள். சில வகையான தொடுதல் நமக்கு உற்சாகமளிக்கக்கூடும், ஆனால் நம் துணைவருக்கோ நமக்கோ உடல் அல்லது உணர்ச்சி ரீதியான தீங்கை ஏற்படுத்தக்கூடும். ஏதாவது கூடுதல் கவனம் தேவை என்று நாம் அறியும்படி வலியை உணரும்படி தேவன் நம் உடல்களை வடிவமைத்திருக்கிறார். “அன்புநீடியசாந்தமும்தயவுமுள்ளது; அன்புபொறாமைப்படாது; அன்புதன்னைப்புகழாது,இறுமாப்பு அடையாது; அயோக்கியமாய்நடவாது,தற்பொழிவைநாடாது,சினமடையாது,தீங்குநினையாது; அநீதியில்மகிழாமல்சத்தியத்தில்மகிழும்.எல்லாவற்றையும்தாங்கும்,எல்லாவற்றையும்விசுவாசிக்கும்,எல்லாவற்றையும்நம்பும்,எல்லாவற்றையும்சகிக்கும்” (1 கொரிந்தியர் 13:4-7).

3) வழக்கமாக அன்புசெய்யுங்கள். திருமணமான தம்பதி எவ்வளவு அடிக்கடி செக்ஸில் ஈடுபடவேண்டும் என்பதற்கு வேதாகமம் ஒரு “விதிமுறையைத்” தரவில்லை, ஆனால் இருவரும் ஒப்புக்கொண்டு, ஒரு குறிப்பிட்ட காலத்திற்கு மட்டுமே தவிர, இந்த நெருக்க நேரங்களை ஒருவருக்கொருவர் மறுக்கக்கூடாது என்று அது சொல்கிறது. உங்கள் துணைவருக்காக அவர் என்ன செய்யவேண்டும் என்று தேவனிடம் கேளுங்கள், அவர்களை ஆசீர்வதிக்கும் புதிய வழிகளைக் கண்டறிய உதவும்படி அவருடைய பரிசுத்த ஆவியை உங்கள் வாழ்க்கைக்குள் அழையுங்கள். “புருஷன்தன்மனைவிக்குச்செய்யவேண்டியகடமையைச்செய்யக்கடவன்; அப்படியேமனைவியும்புருஷனுக்குச்செய்யக்கடவள்.மனைவியின்சரீரத்தின்மேல் அவளுக்கு அதிகாரமில்லை,புருஷனுக்கேஉண்டு; அப்படியேபுருஷனுடையசரீரத்தின்மேலும் அவனுக்கு அதிகாரமில்லை,மனைவிக்கேஉண்டு.நீங்கள்ஜெபத்தில்தரித்திருக்கும்படி,சிலகாலம்ஒருமனப்பட்டுவிலகுவதைத்தவிர,ஒருவரையொருவர்வஞ்சியாதிருங்கள்;பின்புஉங்கள் அடக்கமின்மையினிமித்தம்சாத்தான்உங்களைச்சோதிக்காதபடிக்கு,மறுபடியும்கூடிவாருங்கள்” (1 கொரிந்தியர் 7:3-5).

4) உங்கள்சொந்தஉடலுக்கும்உங்கள்துணைவரின்உடலுக்கும்இடையேயுள்ளவேறுபாடுகளைக்கற்றுக்கொள்ளநேரம்எடுத்துக்கொள்ளுங்கள். பெரும்பாலான ஆண்கள் சில நிமிடங்களுக்குள் தூண்டப்பட்டு உச்சக்கட்டத்தை அடையமுடியும் என்றாலும், பெரும்பாலான பெண்களுக்கு உச்சக்கட்டம் அடைய இருபது நிமிடங்களோ அதற்கு மேலோ ஆகும். ஒரு ஆண் முதல் சில நிமிடங்களுக்குள் முழுமையான உடலுறவுக்குத் தயாராக இருக்கக்கூடும் என்றாலும், அவளும் தயாராகும்வரை இருபது நிமிடங்களோ அதற்கு மேலோ பேசி, தொட்டு, தழுவிய பின்பே தன் மனைவி மிகவும் ஏற்கக்கூடியவளாக இருக்கிறாள் என்பதை அவன் காணுவான். இந்த எளிய உண்மையை என் நண்பர் ஒருவரிடம் அவருடைய திருமணத்திற்கு முன் நான் பகிர்ந்தேன், அவர் தேனிலவிலிருந்து திரும்பியபோது, இந்த உண்மையைத் தெரிந்திருந்தது தன் புதிய மனைவியுடன் செக்ஸை அணுகிய விதத்திலும் அவர்களது பரஸ்பர அனுபவத்திலும் பெரிய வித்தியாசத்தை ஏற்படுத்தியதாகச் சொன்னார். உங்கள் துணைவரைப் பற்றியும் தெய்வீக அன்பு செய்தலைப் பற்றியும் மேலும் அறிந்துகொள்ள நான் பரிந்துரைக்கும் ஒரு புத்தகம் இருந்தால், அது டாக்டர் எட் மற்றும் கே வீட் தம்பதியினரின் Intended For Pleasure என்ற புத்தகமே.

5) அன்புசெய்யமனிதர்களைதேவன்உண்டாக்கியதனித்துவமானவழியை அங்கீகரியுங்கள். முகத்திற்கு முகமாக பாலியல் உறவு கொள்ளக்கூடிய ஒரே உயிரினம் மனிதர்களே என்று உங்களுக்குத் தெரியுமா? வீட் புத்தகத்திலிருந்து நான் கற்றுக்கொண்ட பல உண்மைகளில் இதுவும் ஒன்று, நம் உடல்களை பாலியல் ரீதியாக இணைக்க தேவன் அவற்றை உண்டாக்கிய விதத்தை மேலும் மதிக்க இது எனக்கு உதவியிருக்கிறது. செக்ஸைப் பற்றிய பல புத்தகங்கள் ஒரு தம்பதி முயற்சிக்கக்கூடிய பல்வேறு பாலியல் நிலைகளைப் பற்றி விரிவாகச் சென்றாலும், மிகத் தெளிவான நிலைகளில் ஒன்றில்—கணவனுடனோ மனைவியுடனோ முகத்திற்கு முகமாக—அன்பு செய்வதை ஒரு சிறு காரியம் என்று நினைக்காதீர்கள், இந்த நிலையை தேவன் மனிதர்களுக்கு மட்டுமே ஒதுக்கியிருக்கிறார்.

6) தினமும்ஒருவருக்காகஒருவர்ஜெபியுங்கள். எங்கள் திருமணத்தின் தொடக்கத்திலிருந்து லானாவும் நானும் செய்துவரும் ஒரு எளிய காரியம், முடிந்தவரை ஒரே நேரத்தில் படுக்கைக்குச் சென்று, ஒவ்வொரு இரவும் தூங்குவதற்கு முன் சத்தமாக ஒருவருக்காக ஒருவர் ஜெபிப்பதே. எங்கள் வாழ்க்கையில் ஜெபம் தேவைப்படும் முக்கியக் காரியங்களைப் பகிர்ந்துகொள்வதால், இது ஒருவரையொருவர் இன்னும் நன்றாக அறிய எங்களுக்கு உதவியிருக்கிறது. இது ஒருவரையொருவர் ஜெபத்தில் மூடிக்கொள்ளவும், நாள் முழுவதும் எங்களுக்கிடையே ஏதேனும் பதற்றம் இருந்தால் அதை வழக்கமாக “தெளிவுசெய்யவும்” எங்களுக்கு உதவுகிறது, வேதாகமம் நம் அனைவரையும் ஊக்குவிப்பதுபோலவே: “சூரியன் அஸ்தமிக்குமட்டும்நீங்கள்கோபமாயிருக்கவேண்டாம்…” (எபேசியர் 4:26ஆ). இந்த ஆவிக்குரிய நெருக்க நேரம் பெரும்பாலும் உடல்ரீதியான நெருக்க நேரத்திற்கு முன்னோடியாக அமைகிறது.

எங்கள் அன்பு செய்தல் எந்த விதத்திலும் அழிவுகரமாக இல்லாமல், உயிரூட்டுவதாக இருக்கமுடியும், இருக்கவேண்டும். இயேசு சொன்னதுபோல:

“திருடன் [சாத்தான்] திருடவும் கொல்லவும் அழிக்கவும் மாத்திரம் வருகிறான்; நானோ அவைகள் ஜீவனை உடையவைகளாகவும், அது பரிபூரணப்படவும் வந்தேன்” (யோவான் 10:10).

உங்கள் துணைவரை ஆழமாகவும் நெருக்கமாகவும் அறிவதன் மூலம், இது நீங்கள் அந்த பரிபூரண, நிறைவான வாழ்க்கையை அனுபவிக்கக்கூடிய இன்னொரு வழியாக இருக்கமுடியும். அடுத்த அத்தியாயத்தில் நீங்கள் காணப்போவதுபோல, இது வேறு வழிகளிலும் ஏராளமான வாழ்க்கையை ஏற்படுத்தமுடியும்!

மறுஆய்வுகேள்விகள்

1. வேதாகமம் பாலியல் உறவுகளை விவரிக்க பயன்படுத்தும் “யாதா” என்ற எபிரெய வார்த்தைக்குப் பின்னால் உள்ள பொருள் என்ன? (ஆதியாகமம் 4:1, NKJV-இல் பயன்படுத்தப்பட்டது போல)

2. நாம் யாருடன் பாலியல் உறவுகொள்ளவோ மணக்கவோ கூடாது என்று தேவன் விரும்பும் சிலரை வேதாகமம் பட்டியலிடுகிறது—அவர்கள் யார்? (2 கொரிந்தியர் 6:14, 1 இராஜாக்கள் 11:2, லேவியராகமம் 18)

3. கணவன்மார்களும் மனைவிமார்களும் ஒருவரையொருவர் உடல்களை எப்படி நடத்தவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார்? (எபேசியர் 5:28-30)

4. பாலியல் நெருக்கத்திற்கும் பொருந்தக்கூடிய, ஒருவரையொருவர் நடத்தவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்பும் கூடுதல் வழிகள் என்ன? (எபேசியர் 5:33, 1 கொரிந்தியர் 13:4-7, 1 கொரிந்தியர் 7:3-5)

அத்தியாயம் 6
பிள்ளைகளைஆசீர்வாதங்களாகக்காணுதல்

“தேவன் அவர்களை ஆசீர்வதித்து, அவர்களை நோக்கி, ‘பலுகிப் பெருகுங்கள்’ என்றார்.”
ஆதியாகமம் 1:28

தேவன் உங்களை ஆசீர்வதிக்க விரும்பினால், அந்த ஆசீர்வாதங்கள் எப்படி இருக்கும் என்று நினைக்கிறீர்கள்? அவை உண்மையில் உங்களைப்போலவே சிறிது தோற்றமளித்தால் ஆச்சரியப்படாதீர்கள்!

தேவன் “ஆசீர்வதித்த” முதல் மனிதர்கள் என்று வேதாகமம் சொல்லும் ஆதாமுக்கும் ஏவாளுக்கும், அவர்களுடைய ஆசீர்வாதம் என்ன வடிவத்தில் இருக்கும் என்று தேவன் சொன்னார்: “தேவன் அவர்களைஆசீர்வதித்து, அவர்களைநோக்கி, ‘பலுகிப்பெருகுங்கள்’என்றார்” (ஆதியாகமம் 1:28). தேவன் அவர்களை ஆசீர்வதித்து, “இதோ, நான்கைந்து விடுமுறை வீடுகளை எடுத்துக்கொள்ளுங்கள்!” அல்லது “இதோ, ஒன்பது பத்து விலைமதிப்பற்ற கார்களை எடுத்துக்கொள்ளுங்கள்!” என்று சொல்லியிருக்கமுடியும். ஆனால் அதற்குப் பதிலாக அவர் அவர்களை ஆசீர்வதித்து, “இதோ, ஒரு கூட்டம் பிள்ளைகளை எடுத்துக்கொள்ளுங்கள்!” என்றார். முதல் பார்வையில், அது ஆசீர்வாதமா சாபமா என்று சிலர் யோசிக்கக்கூடும்!

ஆனால் வேதாகமம் முழுவதிலும் வெளிப்படுத்தப்படும் தேவனுடைய இருதயத்தை ஆழமாகப் பார்க்கும்போது, பிள்ளைகள் அவரிடமிருந்து வரும் ஆசீர்வாதங்களாகவே கருதப்படுகிறார்கள் என்பது தெரியவருகிறது. வேதாகமத்தில் தேவன் ஒருவரை ஆசீர்வதிக்க விரும்பியபோது, அந்த ஆசீர்வாதம் பெரும்பாலும் ஒரு பிள்ளையின் வடிவத்தில் வந்தது.

ஆதாமையும் ஏவாளையும் தேவன் “ஆசீர்வதித்து,” பலுகிப் பெருகும்படி சொன்னபோது, அவர்கள் அப்படியே செய்தார்கள்—ஒரு பிள்ளை, பின்பு இரண்டு, பின்பு மூன்று, பின்பு “மற்றகுமாரர்களும்குமாரத்திகளும்” (ஆதியாகமம் 5:4-ஐப்பார்க்கவும்).

ஆபிரகாமையும் சாராளையும் தேவன் “ஆசீர்வதித்தபோது,” அவர்களுக்கு ஒரு பிள்ளையைத் தந்தார், ஒருநாள் அவர்களுடைய சந்ததியார் “வானத்தின்நட்சத்திரங்களைப்போலவும்,கடற்கரைமணலைப்போலவும்” எண்ணிக்கையில் இருப்பார்கள் என்று சொன்னார் (ஆதியாகமம் 22:17-18-ஐப்பார்க்கவும்).

யோபு அனுபவித்த எல்லாத் துன்பங்களுக்குப் பின் தேவன் அவனை “ஆசீர்வதித்தபோது,” எல்லாவகையான “பொருட்களையும்”—பத்து பிள்ளைகளையும் அவனுக்குக் கொடுத்தார்! அந்தப் பிள்ளைகளுக்குச் சொந்தப் பிள்ளைகள் பிறந்தன, அவர்களுக்கும் பிள்ளைகள் பிறந்தன, அவர்களுக்கும் பிள்ளைகள் பிறந்தன. இறுதியில் யோபு “தன்பிள்ளைகளையும் அவர்களுடையபிள்ளைகளையும்நான்காம்தலைமுறைவரை” காணமுடிந்தது (யோபு 42:12-16-ஐப்பார்க்கவும்).

அதிக ஆசீர்வதிக்கப்பட்ட பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையை எப்படிப் பெறுவது என்று பேசும் பெரும்பாலான சுய-உதவி புத்தகங்கள், செக்ஸிலிருந்து விளையும் பிள்ளைகளின் ஆசீர்வாதத்தைப் பற்றி அரிதாகவே, ஏதேனும் இருந்தால், குறிப்பிடுவதாக நான் கவனித்திருக்கிறேன். ஆனால் தேவனுடைய பார்வையிலிருந்து, செக்ஸின் ஆசீர்வாதமும் பிள்ளைகளின் ஆசீர்வாதமும் ஒன்றாகவே செல்கின்றன, இது முதலில் தேவன் செக்ஸை உண்டாக்கிய இரட்டை நோக்கங்களுக்கு—நெருக்கத்திற்கும் பலனுக்கும்—நம்மை முழு வட்டமாகத் திரும்பக் கொண்டுவருகிறது.

நமக்குப் பிள்ளைகள் இல்லாவிட்டாலோ, ஒரே ஒரு பிள்ளை அல்லது சில பிள்ளைகள் மட்டும் இருந்தாலோ, தேவனால் நாம் ஆசீர்வதிக்கப்படவில்லை என்று இது சொல்லவில்லை. வேதாகமத்தை நான் வாசித்தபோது, யாருக்கும் ஒரு உகந்த எண்ணிக்கை பிள்ளைகளை தேவன் தரவில்லை. சாராளுக்கு ஒருவர் இருந்தார், ரெபெக்காளுக்கு இருவர் இருந்தனர், ஏவாளுக்கு பலர் இருந்தனர்—இயேசுவுக்கு யாரும் இல்லை. வேதாகமத்தில் நான் காண்பது என்னவென்றால், தங்களுக்கு எத்தனை பேர் இருந்தாலும், இல்லாவிட்டாலும், இந்த ஒவ்வொருவரும் பிள்ளைகளை தேவனிடமிருந்து வரும் ஆசீர்வாதங்களாகக் கருதினார்கள் என்பதே.

ஆனால் பிள்ளைகளைப் பற்றிய தேவனுடைய மனநிலையைப் பெறுவது எப்போதும் இயற்கையாக நடப்பதில்லை.

தேவனுடையமனநிலையைப்பெறுதல்

நான் சுமார் பன்னிரண்டு வயதாக இருந்தபோது, மற்றொரு நாட்டிலிருந்து ஒரு பரிமாற்ற மாணவி எங்கள் குடும்பத்துடன் வாழ்ந்தாள். அவளும் அவளுடைய பத்து சகோதர சகோதரிகளும் நாங்கள் வறுமை என்று கருதும் ஒரு சிறிய வீட்டில் வாழ்ந்ததைப் பற்றி எங்களிடம் சொன்னபோது, நாங்கள் அவளுக்காக பரிதாபப்பட்டோம். எங்கள் குடும்பத்தில் மூன்று பிள்ளைகள் இருந்தோம், ஒப்பீட்டளவில் நாங்கள் செல்வந்தர்கள் என்று உணர்ந்தோம். பின்பு அவளுடைய தந்தை எங்களுக்காக பரிதாபப்பட்டதாகக் கேட்டது எவ்வளவு அதிர்ச்சியாக இருந்தது! இவ்வளவுசிலபிள்ளைகள்மட்டுமேஇருக்க,இந்தக்குடும்பம்எவ்வளவுஏழையாகஇருக்கவேண்டும் என்று அவர் நினைத்தார்.

செல்வந்தராக இருப்பது என்றால் என்ன, ஏழையாக இருப்பது என்றால் என்ன என்ற என் வரையறையை நான் மறுசிந்திக்கவேண்டியிருந்தது! பல வருடங்களுக்குப் பிறகு, லானாவை நான் மணக்கவிருந்தபோது, என் வரையறையை இன்னும் அதிகமாக மறுசிந்திக்கவேண்டியிருந்தது!

லானாவும் நானும் எங்கள் எதிர்காலத்தைப் பற்றிப் பேசியபோது, தனக்குப் பன்னிரண்டு பிள்ளைகள் வேண்டும் என்று அவள் என்னிடம் சொன்னாள்! ஒன்பது பேர் கொண்ட குடும்பத்திலிருந்து அவள் வந்தாள், விளையாட இன்னும் அதிக பிள்ளைகள் இருந்திருக்கவேண்டும் என்று எப்போதும் விரும்பியதாகச் சொன்னாள். மூன்று பிள்ளைகள் கொண்ட என் குடும்பத்தில், வீடு முழுவதும் எனக்கு மட்டுமே அமைதியும் நிசப்தமும் கிடைக்கும்போதெல்லாம் நான் மகிழ்ச்சியடைந்தேன். யாருடைய மனநிலையோ மாறவேண்டியிருந்தது!

எங்கள் திருமணம் இன்னும் சில மாதங்களே இருந்தபோது, தேவன் எங்களுக்கு விரும்பும் சரியான எண்ணிக்கை பிள்ளைகளைத் தரும்படி நான் ஜெபிக்கத் தொடங்கினேன். ஆறு பிள்ளைகளுக்குப் பிறகும், நான் இன்னும் ஜெபித்துக்கொண்டேயிருக்கிறேன்!

பிள்ளைகள் என்ற விஷயத்தில் வேதாகமத்தை வாசிக்கத் தொடங்கியபோது, ஒருவர்பின் ஒருவராக பிள்ளைகளை ஆசீர்வாதங்களாகக் கண்டதை நான் காணத் தொடங்கினேன்.

அரசன் சாலொமோன் பிள்ளைகளைப் பற்றி எழுதியபோது, “தன் அம்பறாத்தூணியில் அவைகளால்நிரப்பியிருக்கிறமனுஷன்பாக்கியவான்” (சங்கீதம் 127:5அ) என்றார். இயேசுவைத் தான் கருவுற்றிருப்பதை மரியாள் கண்டறிந்தபோது, “இதுமுதல்தலைமுறைதலைமுறையாகஎன்னைப்பாக்கியவதிஎன்பார்கள்…” (லூக்கா 1:48ஆ) என்றாள். சில சிறு பிள்ளைகள் இயேசுவிடம் வந்தபோது, சீஷர்கள் அவர்களை “விரட்ட” முயற்சித்தனர். இயேசு இந்த மகத்தான வார்த்தைகளுடன் பதிலளித்தார், “சிறுபிள்ளைகளைஎன்னிடத்தில்வரவிடுங்கள்; அவர்களைத்தடைபண்ணாதிருங்கள்;பரலோகராஜ்யம்இப்படிப்பட்டவர்களுடையது” (மத்தேயு 19:14). நமக்கு ஒரு பிள்ளையோ, பத்து பிள்ளைகளோ, அல்லது பிள்ளைகள் இல்லாவிட்டாலும், பிள்ளைகளை நோக்கிய நம் இருதயங்களும் அவருடையதைப்போலவே இருக்கவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார்: அவர்களை அவரிடமிருந்து வரும் ஆசீர்வாதங்களாகவும், அவருக்கு என்று ஆசீர்வாதங்களாகவும் காணுதல்.

நான் திருமணமானபோது பிள்ளைகளை நோக்கிய என் மனநிலை மாறத் தொடங்கியது, ஆனால் நேர்மையாகச் சொன்னால், லானா எங்கள் மூன்றாவது பிள்ளையைக் கருவுற்றிருந்தபோதுதான் என் இருதயம் அதைப் பிடித்துக்கொண்டது. முதல் இருவருக்காக நான் மகிழ்ச்சியடையவில்லை என்பதல்ல! ஆனால் முதல் கர்ப்பத்தின்போது என்ன எதிர்பார்க்கவேண்டும் என்ற நிச்சயமின்மையாலும், இரண்டாவதின் ஆரம்பத்தில் லானா அனுபவித்த சுகாதாரச் சிக்கல்களாலும், மூன்றாவது கர்ப்பம்வரை தேவன் என்னை ஆசீர்வதித்துக்கொண்டிருக்கிறார் என்பதை நிச்சயமாக உணர்ந்து ஓய்வெடுக்க என்னால் முடியவில்லை. உண்மையில், லானா மூன்றாவது முறையாகக் கருவுற்றிருப்பதைக் கண்டறிந்தபோது நான் இதை மிகவும் ஆழமாக உணர்ந்ததால், “ஆசீர்வாதம்” என்று பொருள்படும் இரண்டு பெயர்களை—இரட்டை ஆசீர்வாதம்!—எங்கள் மூன்றாவது பிள்ளைக்கு வைக்க முடிவெடுத்தோம். தேவனுடைய பார்வையிலிருந்து பிள்ளைகளின் மெய்யான ஆசீர்வாதத்தை இறுதியாக என்னால் காணமுடிந்தது என்று நான் உணர்ந்தேன்.

தேவனுடையஆசீர்வாதத்துடன்செக்ஸ்

செக்ஸைப் பற்றிய நம் பார்வை தேவனுடைய பார்வையுடன் மேலும் மேலும் ஒத்துப்போகும்போது, செக்ஸிலிருந்து வரும் ஆசீர்வாதங்கள் மிகவும் தெளிவாகின்றன. Cadre Ministries-ஐ நிறுவிய பில் அலிசன், தன் எல்லைகளை விரிவாக்கும்படி தேவனிடம் கேட்டு யாபேசின் ஜெபத்தை ஜெபித்துக்கொண்டிருந்த ஒரு நேரத்தைப் பற்றிய கதையைச் சொல்கிறார். அவருடைய மனைவி அவர்களுடைய ஆறாவது பிள்ளையைக் கருவுற்றபோது, அவள் சொன்னாள், “அவர் ஜெபித்தார், விரிவாக்கப்பட்டது நான்தான்!”

பிள்ளைகளைப் பற்றிய தேவனுடைய மனநிலையைப் பெறுவது, செக்ஸின் உண்மையான அனுபவத்தையும் மாற்றக்கூடும். கருவுறுதலின் அச்சமின்றி, ஆனால் அதைப் பற்றி மெய்யாகவே சிந்தித்து, தேவனிடமிருந்து வரும் ஒரு ஆசீர்வாதமாக அதை எதிர்பார்த்து, உங்கள் துணைவருடன் அன்பு செய்வது, உங்கள் உள்ளத்தையே அசைத்துவிடும். நீங்கள் செய்துகொண்டிருப்பது தேவனுடைய முழு அறிவோடும், சம்மதத்தோடும், ஆசீர்வாதத்தோடும் இருக்கிறது என்று தெரிந்திருக்கும்போது, எதையும் தடுத்துக்கொள்ளவேண்டியதில்லாமல் செக்ஸ் மிகவும் இன்பமானதாகவும் உற்சாகமானதாகவும் இருக்கமுடியும்.

எனக்கென்றால், லானா கருவுற்றிருந்தபோது, எங்கள் நெருக்க நேரங்கள் அதேயளவு இன்பமாகவே இருந்தன, இல்லாவிட்டால் இன்னும் அதிகமாகவே. அவளுக்குள் கருவுற்ற பிள்ளை எங்கள் அன்பு செய்தலின் பலனாகவே கருவுற்றிருக்கிறது என்று தெரிந்திருந்ததோடு, கர்ப்ப காலத்தில் அவளுடைய ஹார்மோன்கள் தினமும் இரட்டிப்பாகிறது என்பதும் ஒருவேளை அதற்குக் காரணமாக இருக்கலாம்.

மறுபுறத்தில், “ஆனால் பிள்ளைகளைக் கவனிப்பது நிறைய வேலையல்லவா?” என்று ஒருவர் நியாயமாகவே கேட்கக்கூடும். நிச்சயமாக!

எந்தவகையான ஆசீர்வாதங்களும் அதிகரிக்கும்போது, பொறுப்புகளும் அதிகரிக்கின்றன. இயேசு சொல்கிறார்:

“அதிகமாய் ஒப்புவிக்கப்பட்டவனிடத்தில் அதிகமாய்க் கேட்கப்படும்; அதிகமாய் ஒப்படைக்கப்பட்டவனிடத்தில் அதிகமாய்க் கேட்கப்படும்” (லூக்கா 12:48ஆ).

இரண்டு மூன்று விடுமுறை வீடுகளையோ இரண்டு மூன்று காரையோ—ஒன்பது பத்தை விடவும்—மெய்யாகவே சொந்தமாக வைத்திருக்கும் எவரும் இந்த உண்மையை உறுதிப்படுத்துவார்கள். பராமரிப்பு, பழுதுபார்த்தல், வரிகள், காப்பீடு, தொடர்ச்சியான நேர முதலீடு—இவை அனைத்தும் மிகவும் ஆர்வமுள்ள வீட்டு உரிமையாளரிடமிருந்தும் காரை நேசிப்பவரிடமிருந்தும்கூட மகிழ்ச்சியைத் திருடும் அச்சுறுத்தலாக இருக்கமுடியும். உங்கள் மகிழ்ச்சியைக் காப்பாற்றுவதற்கான திறவுகோல், தேவனுடைய கண்ணோட்டத்தை உங்கள் மனதின் முன்னணியில் வைத்திருப்பதே—சில நாட்களில் அது ஒரு எளிய பணியல்ல!—ஆனால் சுமையாகத் தோன்றக்கூடிய ஒன்றை தேவன் நோக்கிய ஆசீர்வாதமாக மீண்டும் மாற்றக்கூடிய ஒரு பணி.

தேவனுடைய கண்ணோட்டத்தை வாழ்க்கையில் பெறவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார், அது எப்போதும் இயற்கையாக நடப்பதில்லை. தேவன் சொல்வதுபோல:

“என் நினைவுகள் உங்கள் நினைவுகளல்ல, உங்கள் வழிகள் என் வழிகளும் அல்ல என்று கர்த்தர் சொல்லுகிறார். வானங்கள் பூமியைப்பார்க்கிலும் உயரமாயிருக்கிறதுபோல, என் வழிகள் உங்கள் வழிகளைப் பார்க்கிலும் என் நினைவுகள் உங்கள் நினைவுகளைப் பார்க்கிலும் உயரமாயிருக்கிறது” (ஏசாயா 55:8-9).

ஆனால் நாம் அவரிடம் கேட்கும்போது, அவருடைய நினைவுகளுக்கும் வழிகளுக்கும் நமக்கும் இடையேயுள்ள இடைவெளியை நீக்க தேவன் நமக்கு உதவுவார். அவர் அப்படிச் செய்யும்போது, அடுத்த, இறுதி அத்தியாயத்தில் நான் பகிரப்போவதுபோல, அது உலகில் மொத்த வித்தியாசத்தையும் ஏற்படுத்தமுடியும்.

மறுஆய்வுகேள்விகள்

1. தேவன் ஆதாமையும் ஏவாளையும் ஆசீர்வதித்தபோது, அவர்களை எதனால் ஆசீர்வதித்தார்? (ஆதியாகமம் 1:28, ஆதியாகமம் 5:4)

2. பிள்ளைகள் ஆசீர்வாதங்களாகக் கருதப்பட்ட வேதாகமத்தின் வேறு சில உதாரணங்கள் என்ன? (ஆதியாகமம் 22:17-18, யோபு 42:12-16, சங்கீதம் 127:5, லூக்கா 1:48)

3. தேவனுடைய ஆசீர்வாதங்கள் அதிகரிக்கும்போது வேறு என்ன அதிகரிக்கிறது? (லூக்கா 12:48)

4. நம் நினைவுகளும் வழிகளும் தேவனுடையதுடன் ஒப்பிடும்போது எவ்வளவு வேறுபட்டவை? (ஏசாயா 55:8-9)

அத்தியாயம் 7
தேவன்ஏற்படுத்தும்வேற்றுமை

“ஆகையால் என் வார்த்தைகளைக் கேட்டு, அவைகளின்படி செய்கிறவனெவனோ, அவனைத் தன் வீட்டைக் கன்மலையின்மேல் கட்டின புத்தியுள்ள மனுஷனுக்கு ஒப்பிடுவேன்.”
மத்தேயு 7:24

இன்னும் நான் உங்களுக்குச் சொல்ல விரும்பும் காரியங்கள் ஏராளம். இன்னும் தேவனே உங்களுக்குச் சொல்ல விரும்பும் காரியங்கள் ஏராளம்! ஆனால் நான் இதுவரை உங்களுக்குச் சொன்னது, செக்ஸைப் பற்றி தேவன் சொல்லும் மற்ற எல்லாவற்றிற்கும் ஒரு நல்ல அடித்தளத்தைத் தரும் என்று நம்புகிறேன்.

இங்கே நான் விவரிக்கக்கூடிய, வேதாகமத்தில் தேவனும் விவரிக்கும் இன்னும் பல பிரச்சினைகள் இருந்தாலும், நான் இதுவரை உள்ளடக்கியவை மற்றவற்றில் பலவற்றை சரியான இடத்தில் வைக்க உதவும் என்று நான் உணர்கிறேன்.

சுவிசேஷகர் டி. எல். மூடி சொன்னார், “ஒரு கம்பு வளைந்திருக்கிறது என்று காண்பிக்க சிறந்த வழி, அதைப் பற்றி வாதிடுவதோ, அதைக் கண்டிப்பதற்குச் செலவழிப்பதோ அல்ல, அதற்குப் பக்கத்தில் ஒரு நேரான கம்பை வைப்பதே.” செக்ஸ் தொடர்பான மற்ற பிரச்சினைகளை நீங்கள் எதிர்கொள்ளும்போது, இந்நூல் உங்களுக்கு ஒரு “நேரான கம்பாக” பணியாற்றும் என்று நம்புகிறேன்.

இந்நூலிலிருந்து நீங்கள் பெற்றிருப்பீர்கள் என நம்பும் சில முக்கிய கருத்துகளின் சுருக்கம் இதோ:

1) நெருக்கத்திற்கும்பலனுக்குமானஇரட்டைநோக்கங்களுக்காகதேவன்செக்ஸைஉண்டாக்கினார். தேவன் மக்களை நேசிக்கிறார், அவர்கள் தனியாக இருக்கவேண்டும் என்று விரும்பவில்லை. செக்ஸ் மூலமாக, தன் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை நிறைவேற்றும் ஒரு வழியை அவர் உண்டாக்கியிருக்கிறார், அதே சமயம் நம் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களையும் நிறைவேற்றுகிறார்.

2) திருமணத்திற்குமுன்பும்திருமணத்திற்குள்ளும்நாம்தூய்மையாய்இருக்கவேண்டும்என்றுதேவன்விரும்புகிறார். நாம் ஒருவரை மணக்கும் நாள்வரை, வேறொருவரின் கணவனாகவோ மனைவியாகவோ அவர்களை நடத்தவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார், ஏனெனில் அந்த நாள்வரை, அவர்கள் இன்னும் அப்படியே இருக்கக்கூடும்.

3) சோதனையிலிருந்துஓடவேண்டும்என்றுதேவன்விரும்புகிறார். சோதிக்கப்படுவது எப்படி இருக்கும் என்று தேவனுக்குத் தெரியும், நாம் அதைத் தேடி எடுத்துக்கொண்டால் சோதனையிலிருந்து தப்பும் ஒரு வழியை அவர் எப்போதும் நமக்கு அளிப்பார். நம் உடல்களைக் கட்டுப்படுத்தவும், சோதனைக்கு எதிராக ஜெபிக்கவும், அதிலிருந்து ஓடவும் தேவன் நாம் கற்றுக்கொள்ளவேண்டும் என்று விரும்புகிறார்!

4) நாம்மீண்டும்தூய்மையடையும்படிநம்பாவங்களை அறிக்கையிடவேண்டும்என்றுதேவன்விரும்புகிறார். நாம் பாவம் செய்யும்போது சாத்தான் நம்மைத் தாழ்த்திக்கொண்டேயிருக்கவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்பவில்லை. நம் பாவங்களை அவரிடம் அறிக்கையிட்டு இயேசுவின்மேல் நம் விசுவாசத்தை வைப்பதன் மூலம், இவ்வுலகிலும் பரலோகிலும் அவர் நம்மை வாழும்படி அழைத்த வாழ்க்கையை நாம் வாழும்படி நம் பாவங்களை மன்னிப்பதாக தேவன் வாக்குப்பண்ணுகிறார்.

5) நம்துணைவரைநெருக்கமாகவும்தொடர்ச்சியாகவும் அறியவேண்டும்என்றுதேவன்விரும்புகிறார். திருமணத்திற்கு முன்பும் பின்பும், அவர் நமக்காக உண்டாக்கிய கணவனையோ மனைவியையோ அறிய நேரம் எடுத்துக்கொள்ளவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார். அவர்களை நாம் எவ்வளவு நன்றாக அறிகிறோமோ, அவ்வளவு நன்றாக அவர்கள் மெய்யாகவே இருக்கும் தேவனுடைய பரிசுகளாக அவர்களை நடத்தமுடியும்.

6) பிள்ளைகளைஆசீர்வாதங்களாகக்காணவேண்டும்என்றுதேவன்விரும்புகிறார். பிள்ளைகளை நோக்கிய அவருடைய மனநிலையை நமக்குத் தரும்படி தேவனிடம் கேட்பதன் மூலம், தேவன் நமக்கு எத்தனை பிள்ளைகளைத் தந்தாலும், தராவிட்டாலும், அவருடைய ஆசீர்வாதங்களை அனுபவிக்காமல் இருக்கமுடியாது.

முடிக்கும் முன், செக்ஸைப் பற்றி தேவன் சொல்வதை நான் இறுதியாக நடைமுறையில் செயல்படுத்தியபோது என் வாழ்க்கையில் தேவன் ஏற்படுத்திய மிக ஆழமான வேறுபாட்டை உங்களுடன் பகிர விரும்புகிறேன். செக்ஸைப் பற்றி அவர் சொல்வதை நாம் அறியவேண்டும் என்று தேவன் விரும்புகிறார் என்பதில் சந்தேகமில்லை. ஆனால் அவர் சொல்வதை அறிவதும் அதை நடைமுறையில் செயல்படுத்துவதும் இரண்டு வேறுபட்ட காரியங்கள். இயேசு அதை இப்படிச் சொன்னார்:

“ஆகையால் என் வார்த்தைகளைக் கேட்டு, அவைகளின்படி செய்கிறவனெவனோ, அவனைத் தன் வீட்டைக் கன்மலையின்மேல் கட்டின புத்தியுள்ள மனுஷனுக்கு ஒப்பிடுவேன். மழை பெய்தது, வெள்ளம் வந்தது, காற்று அடித்து அந்த வீட்டின்மேல் மோதியது; ஆனாலும் அது விழவில்லை, ஏனெனில் அது கன்மலையின்மேல் அஸ்திபாரமாயிருந்தது. என் வார்த்தைகளைக் கேட்டு, அவைகளின்படி செய்யாதவனெவனோ, அவனை மணலின்மேல் தன் வீட்டைக் கட்டின புத்தியில்லாத மனுஷனுக்கு ஒப்பிடுவேன். மழை பெய்தது, வெள்ளம் வந்தது, காற்று அடித்து அந்த வீட்டின்மேல் மோதியது, அது விழுந்தது, அதின் விழுதல் பெரிதாயிருந்தது” (மத்தேயு 7:24-27).

ஒரு மரத்துண்டின்மேல் அமர்ந்திருந்த ஐந்து தவளைகளைப் பற்றிய கதையை நீங்கள் கேள்விப்பட்டிருக்கிறீர்களா, அவற்றில் ஒன்று குதிக்க முடிவெடுத்தது? எத்தனை தவளைகள் இன்னும் மரத்துண்டின்மேல் இருந்தன? ஐந்துமே! அவற்றில் ஒன்று குதிக்க வெறுமனே முடிவெடுத்தது மட்டுமே.

தேவன் சொல்வதைச் செய்யவேண்டும் என்று முடிவெடுப்பது ஒரு காரியம்; விசுவாசத்தின் தாவலை எடுத்து மெய்யாகவே அதைச் செய்வது வேறொரு காரியம். ஆனால் நீங்கள் அப்படிச் செய்யும்போது, பிடித்துக்கொள்ளுங்கள்! நீங்கள் கேட்கவோ கற்பனை செய்யவோ முடிந்த எல்லாவற்றைவிட மிகுதியாக தேவன் உங்களுக்குச் செய்வார்.

எனக்குத் தெரியும், ஏனெனில் நானே அந்தத் தாவலை எடுத்திருக்கிறேன்.

எனக்காகதேவன்ஏற்படுத்தியவேற்றுமை

இந்நூலின் சமர்ப்பணத்தில் நான் குறிப்பிட்டதுபோல, தேவனிடமிருந்து நான் கற்றுக்கொண்டு இந்நூலில் பகிர்ந்திருக்கும் காரியங்கள் இல்லாதிருந்தால், என் பிள்ளைகள் இன்று இங்கே இல்லாதிருக்கக்கூடும். நான் நகைச்சுவையாகச் சொல்லவில்லை!

என் சொந்த விருப்பங்களுக்காக வாழ்ந்தபோது, எது எனக்கு நன்றாகஉணரவைத்ததோ அதைச் செய்துகொண்டு, என் விருப்பங்கள் என்னை எங்கு வழிநடத்தினாலும் பின்பற்றிக்கொண்டு, அழிவை நோக்கிய பாதையில் நான் இருந்தேன், எனக்கே அது தெரியாமல்.

கல்லூரியில் சில வருடங்களுக்கு, என் விருப்பங்கள் என்னை ஓரினச்சேர்க்கைக்குள்ளும் கூட இட்டுச்சென்று, மற்ற ஆண்களுடன் பாலியல் நெருக்கத்தில் ஈடுபடும்படி செய்தன. இந்த உறவுகள் மற்ற ஆண்களுடனான நெருக்கமான நட்புக்கான எனக்கு இருந்த ஒரு சரியான தேவையை நிறைவேற்றுவதாகத் தோன்றின. அந்தத் தேவையை நான் நிறைவேற்றிக்கொண்ட விதம், தேவன் அதை நான் நிறைவேற்றவேண்டும் என்று விரும்பிய விதமல்ல என்பதை நான் உணரவில்லை. நான் வெறுமனே மகிழ்ச்சியாக இருந்தேன், இது என் வாழ்க்கைக்கு ஏற்படுத்திய அபாயத்தையோ, என் எதிர்காலத்திற்கான தேவனுடைய திட்டத்திற்கு இது ஏற்படுத்திய அபாயத்தையோ உணரவில்லை.

அந்த நேரத்தில், மற்ற ஆண்களுடனான தங்கள் பாலியல் செயல்பாட்டால் பல ஓரினச்சேர்க்கை ஆண்கள் பெற்றுக்கொண்டிருந்த மரணகரமான நிலையை விவரிக்க AIDS என்ற சொல் புதியதாக இருந்தது. எனக்கு AIDS வரக்கூடும் என்று சாத்தியமே எனக்கு ஒருபோதும் தோன்றவில்லை, சில வருடங்களுக்குப் பிறகு, நான் கிறிஸ்துவின்மேல் என் விசுவாசத்தை வைத்த சில நாட்களுக்குப் பிறகுவரை. ஆனால் அதே வாரத்தில், நான் ஒருபோதும் AIDS-க்குப் பரிசோதனை செய்துகொண்டிருக்கிறேனா என்று ஒருவர் தற்செயலாக என்னிடம் கேட்டார். நான் செய்திருக்கவில்லை, எனவே ஒரு பரிசோதனைக்குச் சென்றேன். அப்போதுதான் அது என்னைத் தாக்கியது: நான் செய்துகொண்டிருந்தது வெறும் விளையாட்டும் மகிழ்ச்சியும் மட்டுமல்ல, அது வாழ்வும் மரணமும். அடுத்த வாரம், பரிசோதனையின் முடிவுகளுக்காகக் காத்திருந்தபோது, என் உயிருக்கு நான் பயந்தேன். என் ஆத்துமாவுக்காக நான் பயப்படவில்லை, ஏனெனில் நான் ஏற்கெனவே கிறிஸ்துவின்மேல் என் விசுவாசத்தை வைத்திருந்தேன். தேவன் என்னை மன்னித்திருந்தார் என்றும், நான் இறந்தாலும்கூட பரலோகில் அவருடன் வாழும்படி என்னைக் கொண்டுவருவார் என்றும் எனக்குத் தெரியும். ஆனால் நான் இறக்க விரும்பவில்லை. என்னை வாழும்படி தேவன் உண்டாக்கிய மிகச் சிறந்த வாழ்க்கையை நான் வாழவிரும்பினேன்.

முடிவுகளைத் தந்தபோது நான் எவ்வளவு நிம்மதியடைந்தேன் என்பதை நீங்கள் கற்பனை செய்யலாம்: எனக்கு AIDS இல்லை. கிறிஸ்தவர்களானாலும் இல்லாவிட்டாலும், மற்றவர்கள் காக்கப்படாதபோது நான் ஏன் காக்கப்பட்டேன் என்று எனக்குத் தெரியாது. அது நான் தகுதியானதால் நிச்சயமாக அல்ல. ஆனால் காரணம் எதுவாக இருந்தாலும், வாழ்க்கைக்கு இன்னொரு வாய்ப்பு எனக்குக் கிடைத்திருக்கிறது என்பதை நான் அறிந்தேன். மரணத்தின் பாதையிலிருந்து தேவன் என்னைத் தூக்கி, ஜீவனின் பாதையிலும், நிறைவான ஜீவனிலும் என்னை வைத்ததுபோல உணர்ந்தேன்.

இந்தப் புதிய பாதையில், எங்கள் பாலியல் நெருக்கத்தின் விளைவாக ஒரு மனைவியையும் ஆறு பிள்ளைகளையும் தேவன் எனக்குத் தந்திருக்கிறார்—நிறைவான ஜீவன்!

உங்கள் சொந்த திட்டத்திற்குப் பதிலாக உங்கள் வாழ்க்கைக்கான தேவனுடைய திட்டத்தைப் பின்பற்றுவது என்ன வேற்றுமையை ஏற்படுத்தமுடியும்? எனக்கும், என் மனைவிக்கும், பிறக்காமலே போயிருக்கக்கூடிய எங்கள் ஆறு பிள்ளைகளுக்கும், அது உலகின் மொத்த வேற்றுமையையும் ஏற்படுத்தியிருக்கிறது.

உங்களுக்கானதேவனுடையஆசீர்வாதம்

சுவிசேஷகர் பில்லி கிரகாம் ஒருமுறை நம் பாலியல் வாழ்க்கையில் தேவன் ஏற்படுத்தும் வேற்றுமையைப் பற்றிய ஒரு தெளிவான, சுருக்கமான சுருக்கத்தைத் தந்தார்:

“தேவன் அதில் இருக்கும்வரை, செக்ஸ் இந்தப் பூமியிலேயே மிக அற்புதமான காரியம். பிசாசு அதில் நுழையும்போது, அது பூமியிலேயே மிகக் கொடூரமான காரியமாகிறது.”

நான் இதை முழுமையாக ஏற்றுக்கொள்கிறேன். எக்காரணத்தினாலும் செக்ஸ் உங்களுக்கு பூமியிலேயே மிகக் கொடூரமான காரியங்களில் ஒன்றாக எப்போதேனும் மாறினால், அல்லது ஏற்கெனவே மாறியிருந்தால், தேவனிடம் தொடர்ந்து திரும்பி, உங்கள் வாழ்க்கையின் அனைத்திற்காகவும் அவரில் உங்கள் விசுவாசத்தைத் தொடர்ந்து வைத்திருக்கும்படி உங்களை ஊக்குவிக்க விரும்புகிறேன். செக்ஸை நீங்கள் காண்பதற்கும் அனுபவிப்பதற்கும் அவர் விரும்பும் புதிய பார்வையைத் தரும்படி அவரிடம் கேளுங்கள். இன்னும் காத்திருப்பதற்கு உங்களுக்கும், உங்களைச் சுற்றியிருப்பவர்களுக்கும், இன்னும் பிறக்காமலிருக்கக்கூடியவர்களுக்கும் அதிகம் ஆபத்திலிருக்கிறது.

நிறைவான ஜீவனின் தன் பாதையின்மேல் உங்களைத் தூக்கிவைக்கும்படியும், அந்தப் பாதையில் உங்களை வைத்திருக்க தன் பரிசுத்த ஆவியை அனுப்பும்படியும், நீங்கள் கேட்கவோ கற்பனை செய்யவோ முடிந்த எல்லாவற்றையும்விட உங்கள் வாழ்க்கையை ஆசீர்வதிக்கும்படியும் தேவனிடம் கேளுங்கள்.

நீங்கள் அப்படிச் செய்யும்போது, தேவன் உண்மையுள்ளவர் என்பதை நீங்கள் காண்பீர்கள். நீங்கள் அவரில் மனமகிழ்ச்சியாய் இருக்கும்போது, உங்கள் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை அவர் உங்களுக்குத் தருவார். அது தேவனுடைய வார்த்தையிலிருந்து நேரடியாக வரும் ஒரு வாக்குறுதி:

“கர்த்தரில் மனமகிழ்ச்சியாயிரு; அப்பொழுது அவர் உன் இருதயத்தின் விருப்பங்களை உனக்குத் தந்தருளுவார்” (சங்கீதம் 37:4).

இதுவே உங்களுக்கான என் இருதயப்பூர்வமான ஜெபமும்:

“உன்இருதயத்தின்விருப்பத்தின்படி அவர்உனக்குக்கட்டளையிட்டு,

உன்யோசனையையெல்லாம்நிறைவேற்றுவாராக.

உம்முடையஜெயத்தைக்குறித்துநாங்கள்கெம்பீரித்து,

எங்கள்தேவனுடையநாமத்தினாலேகொடிகளைநாட்டுவோம்.

கர்த்தர்உன்விண்ணப்பங்களையெல்லாம்நிறைவேற்றுவாராக.”

சங்கீதம் 20:4-5

மறுஆய்வுகேள்விகள்

1. வேதாகமத்தில் செக்ஸைப் பற்றி தேவன் சொல்வதிலிருந்து குறைந்தது மூன்று காரியங்களை நீங்கள் எப்படிச் சுருக்கமாகச் சொல்வீர்கள்?

2. தேவன் சொல்வதைக் கேட்பவர்களுக்கும் தேவன் சொல்வதைச் செய்பவர்களுக்கும் இடையேயான வேறுபாடு என்ன என்று இயேசு சொன்னார்? (மத்தேயு 7:24-27)

3. செக்ஸைப் பற்றி தேவனுடைய பார்வையைப் பெற்றது ஆசிரியரின் வாழ்க்கையில் என்ன வேற்றுமையை ஏற்படுத்தியது?

4. நீங்கள் அவரில் மனமகிழ்ச்சியாய் இருந்தால், உங்களுக்கு என்ன தருவதாக தேவன் வாக்குப்பண்ணுகிறார்? (சங்கீதம் 37:4)

இணைப்பு
செக்ஸ்என்றால்என்ன?

“இதன்நிமித்தம் புருஷன் தன் தகப்பனையும் தன் தாயையும் விட்டு, தன் மனைவியுடன் இணைந்திருப்பான்; அவர்கள் ஒரே மாம்சமாயிருப்பார்கள்.”
ஆதியாகமம் 2:24

தாவரங்கள், மரங்கள், மிருகங்கள் தொடங்கி, பறவைகள், மீன்கள், மக்கள்வரை பல உயிரினங்கள் பெருக்கமடையும் செயல்முறையே செக்ஸ்.

தேவனுடைய மனதில் கருதப்பட்ட மிக அற்புதமான செயல்முறைகளில் செக்ஸும் ஒன்று. என் ஒவ்வொரு பிள்ளையின் பிறப்பிலும் நான் இருந்திருக்கிறேன், ஒரு பிள்ளை பிறக்கும் விதம் வியப்பூட்டுவது. ஆனால் என் ஒவ்வொரு பிள்ளையின் கருத்தரிப்பிலும், அவர்கள் உருவாக்கப்பட்ட அந்தத் தருணத்திலும் நான் இருந்திருக்கிறேன், ஒரு பிள்ளை முதலில் கருவுறும் விதம் அதேயளவு வியப்பூட்டுவது—இல்லாவிட்டால் இன்னும் அதிகமாகவே!

இயற்கையின் வடிவமைப்பின் மூலமாக தேவன் நமக்கு வெளிப்படுத்தியுள்ள அந்தச் செயல்முறையை இங்கே உங்களுக்கு விவரிக்க விரும்புகிறேன். இதை எளிய முறையில் விவரிக்க நான் மிகுந்த கவனம் எடுத்திருந்தாலும், என் எளிய விவரிப்பை ஒரு எளிய செயல்முறை என்று தவறாக நினைத்துவிடாதீர்கள். மனித இனப்பெருக்க அமைப்பு, என்றும் உண்டாக்கப்பட்ட மிகச் சிக்கலான, நுணுக்கமான அமைப்புகளில் ஒன்று.

செக்ஸ் 101

குழந்தைகள் மிகவும் நுண்ணியவர்கள், வளர பாதுகாப்பான ஓர் இடம் தேவை, எனவே ஒவ்வொரு பெண்ணின் உள்ளேயும் கருப்பை என்று அழைக்கப்படும் அப்படிப்பட்ட ஓர் இடத்தை தேவன் உண்டாக்கினார். ஒரு குழந்தையை மென்மையாக அணைத்துக்கொள்ளும் மென்மையான, விரிவடையக்கூடிய திசுவால் கருப்பை உருவாக்கப்பட்டுள்ளது.

ஆனால் ஒரு குழந்தை முழு வளர்ச்சியடைந்த குழந்தையாகத் தொடங்குவதில்லை; இந்த வாக்கியத்தின் முடிவில் உள்ள புள்ளியைவிட சிறிய ஒரு சிறிய அண்டமாகவே அது தொடங்குகிறது. ஒரு பெண் பருவமடையும் வயதை—பிள்ளைகளைப் பெறத் தொடங்கும் அளவுக்கு வயதாகும் வயதை—அடையும்போது, அவளுடைய கருப்பைக்குள் அண்டங்களை வெளியிடத் தொடங்கும்படி தேவன் அவளுடைய உடலை வடிவமைத்தார். ஏறத்தாழ ஒவ்வொரு மாதமும் ஒருமுறை, கருப்பைக்கு மேலே அண்டகம் என்று அழைக்கப்படும் ஒரு சிறிய சேமிப்பிடத்திலிருந்து ஓர் அண்டம் வெளியிடப்படுகிறது. அண்டகம் அண்டத்தை வெளியிடும்போது, அது ஒரு மெல்லிய குழாய் வழியாக கருப்பையை நோக்கி நகர்கிறது. கருப்பைக்குள் இட்டுச்செல்லும் இப்படிப்பட்ட இரண்டு அண்டகங்களும் இரண்டு குழாய்களும் உண்டு. பொதுவாக மாதத்திற்கு ஒரு அண்டகம் மட்டுமே ஒரு அண்டத்தை வெளியிடும்.

அண்டம் படிப்படியாக குழாய் வழியாகச் சென்று, கீழே விவரிக்கப்படும் கருவுறுதலுக்காக காத்திருக்கிறது. அண்டம் சில நாட்களுக்குள் கருவுறாவிட்டால், அது வெறுமனே கருப்பை வழியாகச் சென்று, ஒரு பெண்ணின் உடலிலிருந்து வெளிவரும் யோனி என்று அழைக்கப்படும் ஒரு பெரிய குழாய் வழியாக வெளியேறுகிறது. ஒரு பெண்ணின் கால்களுக்கிடையேயுள்ள மூன்று திறப்புகளில் மையத் திறப்பு யோனியே. சிறுநீர் அல்லது திரவக் கழிவு வெளியேறும் சிறுநீர்க்குழாய், யோனிக்கு முன்னால் உள்ளது, மலம் அல்லது திண்மக் கழிவு வெளியேறும் மலவாய், அதற்குப் பின்னால் உள்ளது.

யோனியிலிருந்து வெளிவரும் அண்டம் பார்க்கமுடியாத அளவுக்குச் சிறியது, ஆனால் செயல்முறை மீண்டும் ஆரம்பிக்கும் முன் கருப்பையைச் சுத்தப்படுத்தும் ஒரு வழியாக, கருப்பையின் உட்சுவர்களை மூடும் சில இரத்தமும் அண்டத்துடன் வெளிவருகிறது. அண்டத்தைக் கொண்ட இந்த இரத்த ஓட்டம் பொதுவாக மாதத்திற்கு ஒருமுறை அல்லது கால இடைவெளியில் நிகழ்வதால், மக்கள் இந்த மாதாந்திர ஓட்டத்தை மாதவிடாய் என்று அழைக்கிறார்கள்.

அடுத்த மாதம், செயல்முறை மீண்டும் தொடங்குகிறது, அண்டகங்களில் ஒன்றிலிருந்து இன்னொரு அண்டம் வெளியிடப்படுகிறது. இந்த அண்டம் அண்டக்குழாய் என்று அழைக்கப்படும் குழாய் வழியாக, கர்ப்பப்பை என்றும் அழைக்கப்படும் கருப்பையை நோக்கி, சாத்தியமான கருவுறுதலுக்காகச் செல்கிறது. அண்டம் கருவுறவில்லையானால், அது கருப்பை வழியாகவும் யோனி வழியாகவும் சென்று, அடுத்த மாதவிடாயில் கருப்பை இரத்தத்துடன் வெளிவருகிறது.

ஒரு பெண்ணுக்குள் அண்டங்கள் வெளியிடப்படுவது முக்கியம், ஆனால் கருவுறுதல் இல்லாமல், ஒரு குழந்தையை உண்டாக்கமுடியாது. கருவுறுதலே ஒரு புதிய உயிரை உண்டாக்கும் தூண்டலாகும். விந்தணு என்று அழைக்கப்படும் ஒன்று ஓர் அண்டத்துடன் தொடர்பு கொள்ளும்போது கருவுறுதல் நிகழ்கிறது. விந்தணுக்களும் மிகவும் சிறியவை; அண்டத்தைவிட அவை இன்னும் சிறியவை.

ஆனால் ஒரு பெண்ணின் உடல் விந்தணுவை உற்பத்தி செய்யாது. விந்தணுக்கள் ஒரு ஆணின் உடலுக்குள் மட்டுமே உற்பத்தி செய்யப்படுகின்றன. அண்டங்கள் சேமிக்கப்படும் இரண்டு அண்டகங்கள் ஒரு பெண்ணின் உடலில் இருப்பதுபோலவே, விந்தணுக்கள் உற்பத்தி செய்யப்படும் இரண்டு விந்தகங்கள் ஒரு ஆணின் உடலில் உள்ளன. இந்த இரண்டு விந்தகங்களும், ஒரு ஆணின் கால்களுக்கிடையே காணப்படும் விதைப்பை என்று அழைக்கப்படும் ஒரு தோல் பையில் வைக்கப்பட்டுள்ளன. விந்தணுக்கள் உடலின் மற்ற பகுதிகளைவிடச் சற்று குளிர்ச்சியாக வைக்கப்படவேண்டும், எனவே சரியான வெப்பநிலையை பராமரிக்க இந்தப் பையை ஆணின் உடலுக்கு வெளியே தொங்கும்படி தேவன் உண்டாக்கினார்.

ஒரு ஆண் பிள்ளைகளைப் பெறத் தொடங்கும் அளவுக்கு வயதாகும்போது, அவனுடைய விந்தகங்கள் விந்தணுக்களை உற்பத்தி செய்யத் தொடங்குகின்றன. ஒரு பிள்ளையை உண்டாக்க விந்தணுவும் அண்டமும் ஒன்றையொன்று தொடவேண்டும் என்பதால், மனித உடலுக்கு வெளியே ஒருபோதும் செல்லவேண்டிய தேவையின்றி விந்தணுவையும் அண்டத்தையும் ஒன்றுசேர்க்க தேவன் ஒரு வழியை வடிவமைத்தார். விந்தணுவையும் அண்டத்தையும் தேவன் ஒன்றுசேர்க்கும் வழி, செக்ஸ் என்று அழைக்கப்படும் இந்த அற்புதமான அனுபவம் மூலமாகவே.

யாராவது நமக்கு ஒரு அணைப்பையோ முத்தத்தையோ கொடுக்கும்போது நமக்கு அற்புதமாக உணரவைக்கக்கூடிய சிறப்பு நரம்புகளால் நம் தோலின் மேற்பரப்புக்கு அருகில் நம் உடல்கள் அமைக்கப்பட்டுள்ளன. ஆனால் இன்னும் அற்புதமாக உணரவைக்கக்கூடிய, நம் கணவனுடனோ மனைவியுடனோ நாம் அனுபவிக்கக்கூடிய ஒரு காதலான வகையான அணைத்தலையும் முத்தமிடுதலையும் தேவன் காத்துவைத்திருக்கிறார்.

இந்தச் சிறப்பு அணைத்தல் முத்தமிடும் நேரங்களில், அனைத்து தொடுதலாலும் ஒரு ஆணின் ஆண்குறி தூண்டப்பட்டு, தொடுவதற்கு இன்னும் மென்மையாக இருந்தாலும், நேராகவும் உறுதியாகவும் மாறுகிறது. ஆண்குறிக்குள் இரத்தம் விரைந்து சென்று, ஆண்குறியில் காணப்படும் ஒரு தனித்துவமான உடல் திசுவிற்குள் ஓடுவதால் இது இப்படி மாறுகிறது.

ஆணும் பெண்ணும் ஒருவரையொருவர் நெருங்கியிருக்கும்போது, அவனுடைய ஆண்குறி விந்து என்று அழைக்கப்படும் ஒரு மென்மையான, தெளிவான, லோஷன் போன்ற திரவத்தை வெளியிடத் தொடங்குகிறது. அதேபோல, பெண்ணின் உடல் அவளுடைய கருப்பைக்குள் இட்டுச்செல்லும் குழாயான யோனியை உயவூட்டும் இதேபோன்ற மென்மையான, தெளிவான திரவத்தை வெளியிடுகிறது. இயற்கையாகவே உற்பத்தி செய்யப்படும் இந்த லோஷன் அனைத்தும் தேய்த்தலையும் தொடுதலையும் இன்னும் மென்மையாகவும் அற்புதமாகவும் ஆக்குகிறது.

பெண்ணின் யோனி மென்மையாகவும் விரிவடையக்கூடியதாகவும் இருக்கும்படி தேவன் வடிவமைத்திருக்கிறார், அதனால் அவளுடைய கணவனின் ஆண்குறி அதற்குள் மென்மையாகவும் இறுக்கமாகவும் பொருந்தமுடியும். ஆணும் பெண்ணும் இப்படி ஒருவரையொருவர் நேசிப்பதைத் தொடரும்போது, அவனுடைய ஆண்குறி அவளுடைய யோனிக்குள் மென்மையாகத் தேய்த்துக்கொண்டிருக்கும்போது, அந்தத் தேய்த்தல் அசைவுகள் இறுதியில் விந்தகங்களிலிருந்து மில்லியன் கணக்கான இந்தச் சிறு விந்தணுக்களை வெளியிடும்படித் தூண்டுகின்றன, அவை விந்துடன் இணைகின்றன. இணைந்த விந்தணுவும் விந்தும் பின்பு ஆண்குறி வழியாகவும் பெண்ணின் யோனிக்குள்ளும் பின்பு பெண்ணின் கருப்பைக்குள்ளும் செல்கின்றன.

பெண்ணின் அண்டகங்களில் ஒன்று ஏற்கெனவே கருப்பையை நோக்கிச் செல்லும் குழாய்க்குள் ஓர் அண்டத்தை வெளியிட்டிருந்தால், அண்டத்தை முதலில் அடையும் விந்தணுவும் அதனுடன் தொடர்புகொள்வதும் கருவுறுதல் செயல்முறையைத் தூண்டுகிறது. அது நிகழும்போது, கருத்தரிப்பு என்று அழைக்கப்படும் ஒரு தருணத்தில், ஒரு புதிய உயிர் உண்டாக்கப்பட்டு கருப்பையில் வளரத் தொடங்குகிறது.

விந்தணு ஆணிடமிருந்து பெண்ணுக்குள் வெளியிடப்பட்டபின், ஆணின் ஆண்குறி தளர்வடையத் தொடங்குகிறது, கணவனும் மனைவியும் தாங்கள் விரும்பும் அளவு நேரம் ஒருவரையொருவர் அணைத்து முத்தமிடுவதைத் தொடரமுடியும்.

இந்தச் செயல்முறைக்கான உயிரியல் சொல் பாலியல்உடலுறவு, அது பொதுவாக செக்ஸ் என்ற சொல்லாகவே சுருக்கப்படுகிறது. இந்தச் செயல்முறை மிகவும் அற்புதமாக உணரவைப்பதாலும், கணவனையும் மனைவியையும் ஒருவரையொருவர் மிகவும் நேசிக்கப்பட்டதாக உணரவைப்பதாலும், இந்த அனுபவம் சில நேரங்களில் அன்புசெய்தல் என்று அழைக்கப்படுகிறது.

தேவன் அதை ஒரேமாம்சமாதல் என்று அழைக்கிறார்:

“இதன்நிமித்தம் புருஷன் தன் தகப்பனையும் தன் தாயையும் விட்டு, தன் மனைவியுடன் இணைந்திருப்பான்; அவர்கள் ஒரே மாம்சமாயிருப்பார்கள்” (ஆதியாகமம் 2:24).

நான் அதை ஒரு அற்புதம் என்று அழைக்கிறேன்! என் வாழ்நாளில் இதுபோன்ற ஒன்றை நான் ஒருபோதும் அனுபவித்ததில்லை.

செக்ஸைப் பற்றி நான் முதன்முதலில் கற்றுக்கொண்டபோது, நான் கேள்விப்பட்ட மிக அசாதாரணமான காரியங்களில் ஒன்று என்று நினைத்தேன். ஆனால் அதற்குப் பின், தேவனுக்கு அது ஒருபோதும் அசாதாரணமானதல்ல என்று கற்றுக்கொண்டேன். புதிய உயிரை உண்டாக்க ஆயிரக்கணக்கான வருடங்களாக அவர் பயன்படுத்திவரும் செயல்முறை இதுவே.

செக்ஸைப் பற்றியோ, எதைப்பற்றியேனும் உங்களுக்கு எப்போதேனும் கேள்விகள் இருந்தால், தன் ஞானத்தை உங்களுக்குத் தரும்படி தேவனிடம் கேளுங்கள். அதை உங்கள்மேல் மிகுதியாகப் பொழிய அவர் மகிழ்ச்சியடைவார்:

“உங்களில் ஒருவனுக்கு ஞானம் குறைவாயிருந்தால், நிந்திக்காமல் யாவருக்கும் சுலபமாய்க் கொடுக்கிற தேவனிடத்தில் கேட்கக்கடவன்; அப்பொழுது அது அவனுக்குக் கொடுக்கப்படும்” (யாக்கோபு 1:5).

மறுஆய்வுகேள்விகள்

1. ஒரு பிள்ளையை உண்டாக்க செக்ஸ் மூலமாக தேவன் எந்த இரண்டு காரியங்களை—ஒன்று பெண்ணின் உடலிலிருந்தும் ஒன்று ஆணின் உடலிலிருந்தும்—ஒன்றுசேர்க்கிறார்?

2. ஒரு பெண்ணின் அண்டம் ஒரு குறிப்பிட்ட காலத்திற்குள் கருவுறாவிட்டால் அதற்கு என்ன நிகழ்கிறது?

3. ஒரு ஆணும் அவனுடைய மனைவியும் ஒன்றுசேரும்போது அவர்கள் என்னவாக மாறுகிறார்கள் என்று தேவன் சொல்கிறார்? (ஆதியாகமம் 2:24)

4. தன்னிடம் கேட்பவர்களுக்கு தேவன் என்ன மிகுதியாகக் கொடுப்பதாக வாக்குப்பண்ணுகிறார்? (யாக்கோபு 1:5)

ஆசிரியரைப்பற்றி

USA Today பத்திரிகையால் “புதிய வகை சுவிசேஷகர்” என்று விவரிக்கப்பட்ட எரிக் எல்டர், ஒரு அபிஷேகம் செய்யப்பட்ட போதகரும், ஆறு பிள்ளைகளின் தந்தையும், மாதந்தோறும் ஆயிரக்கணக்கான பார்வையாளர்களை ஈர்க்கும் விசுவாசத்தை வளர்க்கும் இணையதளமான The Ranch-இன் உருவாக்குநருமாவார், www.TheRanch.org.

எரிக் ஒரு ஊக்கமளிக்கும் எழுத்தாளரும் பேச்சாளருமாவார், பில்லி கிரகாமின் Decision Magazine போன்ற பத்திரிகைகளுக்காக தேவனைப் பற்றி எழுதியிருக்கிறார், International Freedom Conference போன்ற தேசிய மாநாடுகளில் செக்ஸைப் பற்றிப் பேசியிருக்கிறார்.

தேவன், செக்ஸ் ஆகிய இரு தலைப்புகளையும் இந்த ஒரே நூலில் இணைப்பதன் மூலம், அளவில் சிறியதாக இருந்தாலும் பெருமளவு பேசும் ஒரு படைப்பை எரிக் உருவாக்கியிருக்கிறார். பெரியவர்கள் அவருடைய பயனுள்ள நுண்ணறிவுகளையும் நடைமுறை ஞானத்தையும் பாராட்டுவார்கள், பெற்றோர் ஒரு நுட்பமான தலைப்பிற்கான அவருடைய அருமையான அணுகுமுறையைப் பாராட்டுவார்கள், இளைஞர்களும் இளம்பருவத்தினரும் இந்நூலின் பக்கங்கள் முழுவதும் பின்னப்பட்டிருக்கும் அவருடைய வெளிப்படைத்தன்மையையும், நேர்மையையும், நகைச்சுவை உணர்வையும் பாராட்டுவார்கள்.

மேலும் ஊக்கமளிக்கும் வளங்களைக் கேட்கவோ, பதிவிறக்கவோ, ஆர்டர் செய்யவோ, தயவுசெய்து பார்வையிடவும்:

 www.TheRanch.org

දෙවියන්වහන්සේලිංගිකත්වයගැනපවසනදේසොයාගෙනක්‍රියාවටනැංවීමටඔබටඋපකාරවනආශ්වාදජනකපොතක් / An inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex

එරික් එල්ඩර් / Eric Elder“මෙම පොත සෑම දෙමව්පියෙකුගේම නව හොඳම මිතුරාය.”
ඩෑන් මවුන්ට්නි, කැම්පස් පූජක, කෙන්සිංටන් කොමියුනිටි චර්ච්

“පිටු කිහිපයකට පසුව පමණක්, මෙම පොත මාගේ දූවරුන්ගේ අතට දීමට මට විශ්වාස කළ හැකි බව මම දැනගතිමි.”
බ්‍රිජට් බූත්, ගෘහස්ථ අධ්‍යාපනය ලබා දෙන මවක්

“මට මාගේ පුතාට කියවා දිය හැකි, ලැජ්ජා විය යුතු නොවන ආකාරයේ පොතකි එය.”
රසල් පොන්ඩ්, ගෘහස්ථ අධ්‍යාපනය ලබා දෙන පියෙක්

“එරික් එල්ඩර්ගේ ප්‍රවේශය ඔහුගේ සාක්ෂිය තරමටම නැවුම්ය.”
ටිම් විල්කින්ස්, විධායක අධ්‍යක්ෂ, ක්‍රොස් මිනිස්ට්‍රි

“මම විස්මයජනක අවසානය හෙළි නොකරමි, නමුත් එය ඔබව කම්පනයට පත් කරන බවට සහතික වෙමි.”
අල් ලෝරි, GIG හි නිර්මාතෘ, සැඩල්බැක් චර්ච් හි සංගීත දේවසේවයක්

කියවන්න හෝ PDF එක බාගත කිරීමට මෙහි ක්ලික් කරන්න
මෘදු කවර පිටපතින්ද ලබා ගත හැක

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දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසන දේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන
එරික් එල්ඩර්

කැපකිරීම

මාගේ දරුවන් වෙනුවෙන් — මෙම පොතෙහි මා බෙදාගන්නා දේ මා ඉගෙන නොගත්තා නම් — සමහරවිට කිසිදා උපදින්නට තිබූ නැති මාගේ දරුවන්ට.

ස්තුතිය

මෙම පොත නිර්මාණය කිරීමේදී තම දායකත්වය හා දිරිගැන්වීම ලබා දුන් පහත සඳහන් පුද්ගලයන්ට විශේෂ ස්තුතිය:

ලානා එල්ඩර්, බ්‍රිජට් බූත්, ලැරී බූස්, බ්‍රෙන්ඩා ෆ්‍රෙන්ඩ්, බ්‍රෙන්ට් නැප්ටන්, ස්ටීව් නයිට්, අල් ලෝරි, ඩෑන් මවුන්ට්නි, ලින්ඩා ඔලිවේරෝ, ජෙසිකා පැස්ටිරික්, රසල් පොන්ඩ්, ග්‍රෙග් පොට්සර්, සූ රොබට්ස්, නෝවා රොබට්ස්, කෙන්ට් සැන්ඩර්ස්, ඇන්ඩ්‍රිස් ස්ප්‍රොගිස් සහ ජෙනිෆර් ටීමන්.

අන්තර්ගතය

• පෙරවදන
• ඕනෑම දෙයක් ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසන දේ දැනගන්නේ කෙසේද
• දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය මැවූයේ ඇයි
• පිරිසිදුව සිටීම
• පරීක්ෂාවට මුහුණ දීම
• නැවත පිරිසිදු වීම
• ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා දැනගැනීම
• දරුවන් ආශීර්වාද ලෙස දැකීම
• දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇති කරන වෙනස
• ලිංගිකත්වය කියන්නේ මොකක්ද?
• කතුවරයා ගැන

පෙරවදන

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දේ පිළිබඳව මා ලියා ඇති ලිපි සිය ගණනක් සහ මා පැවැත්වූ සංවාද සාරාංශ කිරීමේ ක්‍රමයක් ලෙස මම මෙම පොත ආරම්භ කළෙමි. නමුත් පළමු වචනය ලිවීමට පෙර, මෙම පොතේ පාඨකයන් කවුරුන්ද යන්න මම දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඇසුවෙමි. මම මෙම වචන ලියන විට ඔවුන් මාගේ මනසෙහි මවා ගැනීමට හැකි වීමට මම කැමති වීමි. 

පැකිලීමකින් තොරව, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මාගේ හදවතට කතා කළහ: “එය ඔබේ දරුවන් වෙනුවෙන් ලියන්න.” 

මාගේ දරුවන්?!? යැයි මම සිතුවෙමි. ඒ මම කිසිසේත් සිතා සිටි අය නොවේ! 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ බැරෑරුම් බව මට වැටහුණු විට, මෙම ව්‍යාපෘතිය කෙරෙහි වූ මාගේ උනන්දුව හා කැපවීම සිය ගුණයකින් වැඩි විය. මෙම පොතේ පාඨකයන් වන්නේ ලෝකයේ අනෙක් කෙළවරේ සිටින, මෙම වචන කැමති පරිදි පිළිගැනීමට හෝ ප්‍රතික්ෂේප කිරීමට හැකි අය පමණක් නොවන බව මට වැටහුණි. පාඨකයන් වන්නේ මාගේම ආදරණීය දරුවන්ය, බොහෝ දෙනෙකුට පැමිණ ඇති වේදනාව අත් නොවිඳ ලිංගිකත්වයේ පූර්ණත්වය භුක්ති විඳිනු දැකීමට මා වඩාත්ම කැමති අයයි. 

ඉන්පසු දෙවියන් වහන්සේ නැවතත් මාගේ හදවත ස්පර්ශ කළහ. 

මෙම පොත හරහා උන් වහන්සේ ළඟා වීමට කැමති වූයේ මෙම එකම පිරිසට බව මට වැටහුණි: ඔබට — උන් වහන්සේගේම ආදරණීය දරුවා, බොහෝ දෙනෙකුට පැමිණ ඇති වේදනාව අත් නොවිඳ ලිංගිකත්වයේ පූර්ණත්වය භුක්ති විඳිනු දැකීමට උන් වහන්සේ වඩාත්ම කැමති අයයි.

එය සිතේ තබාගෙන, මාගේ හදවතේ ගැඹුරින් ලියා ඇති මෙම වචන කියවීමට මම ඔබට ආරාධනා කරමි. මක්නිසාද ඒවා මාගේ ආදරණීය දරුවන්ට වූ මාගේ ආවේගශීලී වචන පමණක් නොව, ඒවා ඔබට — උන් වහන්සේගේ ආදරණීය දරුවාට — වූ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආවේගශීලී වචනද වේ.

එරික් එල්ඩර්

හැඳින්වීම

ඕනෑම දෙයක් ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසන දේ දැනගන්නේ කෙසේද

“සියලු ශුද්ධ ලියවිලි දෙවියන් වහන්සේ විසින් ආශ්වාස කරන ලද්දකි සත්‍යය කුමක්දැයි අපට උගැන්වීමට ප්‍රයෝජනවත් වේ…”
2 තිමෝති 3:16අ, NLT

වසර කිහිපයකට පෙර මම ව්‍යාපෘතියක් කරමින් සිටියෙමි, එනම් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දේවදූතයන් ගැන පවසන දේ. දිනක්, කෙනෙක් මගෙන් ඇසුවේය, “ඔබ කෙසේද දන්නේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දේවදූතයන් ගැන පවසන දේ?”

එය විශිෂ්ට ප්‍රශ්නයක් විය. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දේවදූතයන් ගැන පවසන දේ මම කෙසේ දැනගත්තේද? දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඕනෑම දෙයක් ගැන

 පවසන දේ මම කෙසේ දැනගත්තේද?මට නම්, මම “දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් වචනයක්” සොයන සෑම විටම, මම මුලින්ම බලන්නේ බයිබලයයි—එහි ඒවා 800,000කට වඩා ඇත! බයිබලයේ වචන මට දිරිගැන්වීම හා මඟපෙන්වීම, බලාපොරොත්තුව හා ආශ්වාදය, තීක්ෂ්ණ බුද්ධිය හා අවබෝධය ලබා දී ඇත. ලෝකයේ වෙනත් ඕනෑම පොතකට වඩා බයිබලය මට ප්‍රායෝගික ප්‍රඥාව ලබා දී ඇත.

මෙය හේතු දෙකක් නිසා සත්‍ය යැයි මම සිතමි:

1. බයිබලයේ වචන කාලයේ පරීක්ෂණයට ඔරොත්තු දී ඇත. මෙම වචන ලියා ඇත්තේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේට අතිශයින් සමීප වූ අය විසිනි — දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් අවංක ප්‍රශ්න ඇසූ, උන් වහන්සේගේ අවංක පිළිතුරු සඳහා සවන් දුන් අය විසිනි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පැවසූ දේට සවන් දී ඉටු කිරීමේ ප්‍රතිඵලයක් ලෙස ඔවුන්ගේ ජීවිතවල සිදු වූ දේ පුදුමාකාර විය. එය කෙතරම් පුදුමාකාරද යත්, අද දිනටත්, වසර දහස් ගණනකට පසුවත්, බයිබලය තවමත් ලෝකයේ වඩාත්ම පුළුල් ලෙස කියවනු ලබන, ප්‍රකාශයට පත් කරන හා පරිවර්තනය කරන ලද පොත වේ.
2. බයිබලයේ වචන අත්හදා බැලීමේ පරීක්ෂණයට ඔරොත්තු දී ඇත. මාගේම අත්හදා බැලීම්! බයිබලයේ යමක් කියවා එය මාගේම ජීවිතයේ ක්‍රියාත්මක වේදැයි කල්පනා කළ සෑම විටම, මම එය පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් කළෙමි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පැවසූ දේට සවන් දී ඉටු කිරීමේ ප්‍රතිඵලයක් ලෙස මට සිදු වූ දේද පුදුමාකාර විය, ඔබ මෙම පොතෙහි දකින පරිදි. 

බයිබලයේ කියවා ඇති දේවල් සිය ගණනක් ක්‍රියාවට නැංවීමෙන් පසු, මම ලියූ ප්‍රේරිත පාවුල් ලද එම නිගමනයටම පැමිණියෙමි:

“සියලු ශුද්ධ ලියවිලි දෙවියන් වහන්සේ විසින් ආශ්වාස කරන ලද්දකි, එය සත්‍යය කුමක්දැයි අපට උගැන්වීමටත් අපගේ ජීවිතවල වැරදි කුමක්දැයි අපට වටහා දීමටත් ප්‍රයෝජනවත් වේ. එය අප සකසා, නිවැරදි දේ කිරීමට අපට උගන්වයි” (2 තිමෝති 3:16, NLT).

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දේ පිළිබඳ ක්ෂේත්‍රයේදී මෙය සත්‍ය බව ඔප්පු වූ තරමට මාගේ ජීවිතයේ වෙනත් කිසිදු ක්ෂේත්‍රයක එය සත්‍ය බව ඔප්පු වී නැත.

පළමු වරට ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන ඉගෙන ගන්නා ඔබ අතර සිටින සමහරුන්ට මම විශේෂ වචනයක් පැවසීමට කැමතියි. මෙම පොතේ අවසානයේ ඔබ වෙනුවෙන්ම මම විශේෂ පරිච්ඡේදයක් ලියා ඇත, එනම් “ලිංගිකත්වය කියන්නේ මොකක්ද?” ඔබ මෙම විශේෂ පරිච්ඡේදය මුලින්ම කියවීමට කැමති වනු ඇත, මක්නිසාද මෙම පොතේ ඉතිරි කොටස කියවන විට එය ඔබට හොඳ පදනමක් සපයනු ඇත. 

දැනටමත් ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන දන්නා ඔබ අතර සිටින අයටත්, මෙම විශේෂ පරිච්ඡේදය මුලින්ම කියවීමට කැමති වන්නට පුළුවන. ඔබ මෙසේ ලිංගිකත්වය විස්තර කරනු අසන පළමු වරට මෙය විය හැකි අතර, ඔබේ ඉතිරි ජීවිතය ගත කරන විට එය ඔබට හොඳ පදනමක් සපයනු ඇත.

පළමු පරිච්ඡේදය

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය මැවූයේ ඇයි

“ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි ප්‍රීති වන්න, එවිට උන් වහන්සේ ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඔබට දෙනු ඇත.”
ගීතාවලිය 37:4

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය මැවූයේ ඇයි? ලෝකයේ වඩාත්ම සංකීර්ණ ක්‍රියාවලීන්ගෙන් එකක් වන — දරුවෙකු බිහි කිරීම — ගෙන, ලිංගික අධ්‍යාපනය පිළිබඳ පන්තියක්වත් නොගෙන පාහේ ඕනෑම කෙනෙකුට කළ හැකි තරම් සරල කළේ උන් වහන්සේ ඇයි? මම බයිබලය හරහා බැලූ විට, මට හේතු දෙකක් හමු විය: ලිංගිකත්වය හරහා, එකවර උන් වහන්සේගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කර ගැනීමටත්, ඒ අතරම අපගේ හදවත්වල ආශාවන් ඉටු කිරීමටත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මාර්ගයක් නිර්මාණය කළහ.

එසේනම් උන් වහන්සේගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් මොනවාද? පොළොවේ පළමු යුවළට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පැවසූ පළමු වචනවල අපට එය හමු වේ. ඔවුන්ට උන් වහන්සේගේ පළමු වචන ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන වීම ඔබ පුදුමයට පත් කරන්නට පුළුවන, නමුත් ඒවා එසේ විය! ඒදන් උයනේදී ආදම් හා ඒව්ට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පැවසූ දේ බලන්න:

“දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට ආශීර්වාද කර ඔවුන්ට මෙසේ පැවසුවේය, ‘සශ්‍රීක වී සංඛ්‍යාවෙන් වැඩි වන්න; පොළොව පුරවා එය යටත් කරගන්න’” (උත්පත්ති 1:28අ).

සශ්‍රීක වී සංඛ්‍යාවෙන් වැඩි වන්නැයි උන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට පැවසූ අතර, මිනිසුන් සශ්‍රීක වන ක්‍රමය ලිංගිකත්වය හරහාය. 

සමහරු බයිබලය කම්මැලියි යැයි සිතන්නට පුළුවන, නමුත් මා එය කියවන ආකාරයට නම් නොවේ! මෙන්න ආරම්භක දර්ශනයේම, සම්පූර්ණයෙන් නිරුවත් පුද්ගලයන් දෙදෙනෙක් අපූර්ව පාරාදීසයක් මැද සිටිති, ඔවුන්ගේ මැවුම්කරු ඔවුන්ට පවසන පළමු දේ නම්, “පටන් ගන්න! සශ්‍රීක වන්න! බෝ වන්න!” ආහ්! මේ ගිම්හානයේ එවැනි ආරම්භක දර්ශනයක් ඇති චිත්‍රපටයක් නිකුත් වුවහොත්, යෞවනයන් හා වැඩිහිටියන් එකසේ එය බැලීමට වීදිය පුරා පෝලිම්වල සිටිනු ඇත! 

මාගේ බිරිඳ ලානා සහ මම එම වචන හදවතට ගෙන ඇති අතර, දරුවන් හය දෙනෙකුට පසුවත් අප තවමත් පොළොවේ පළමු මිනිසුන්ට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පැවසූ එම පළමු වචන ඉටු කරමින් අපූරු කාලයක් ගත කරමින් සිටිමු!

ආදම් හා ඒව්ට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පැවසූ වචන උන් වහන්සේගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ගැන අපට කුමක් කියයිද? මතුපිටින්, ඒවා අපට කියන්නේ අප සශ්‍රීක වී බෝ වීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමති බවයි. නමුත් ඇයි? දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මෙතරම් මිනිසුන් අවශ්‍ය වන්නේ ඇයි?

ඇයි? මක්නිසාද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මිනිසුන්ට ආදරය කරන නිසාය. උන් වහන්සේ ඔබටත් මටත් ඇතුළුව ඔවුන්ට නියත වශයෙන්ම ආදරය කරයි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මිනිසුන්ට කෙතරම් ආදරය කරයිද යත්, පොළොව ඔවුන්ගෙන් පිරී යනු දැකීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමතිය. බයිබලයේ වඩාත් ප්‍රසිද්ධ පදවලින් එකක් මෙසේ පවසයි, “මක්නිසාද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලෝකයට කෙතරම් ආදරය කළාද යත්…” (යොහන් 3:16අ). 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය මැවුවේ සෙනසුරාදා රාත්‍රියක ආදම් හා ඒව්ට යමක් කිරීමට දෙනු පිණිසම නොවේ! උන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන් සශ්‍රීක වී බෝ වීමට කැමති වූයේ, උන් වහන්සේ මිනිසුන්ට ආදරය කරන නිසාත්, අප සෑම කෙනෙකු සමඟම සමීප සම්බන්ධතාවක් පැවැත්වීමට කැමති නිසාත්ය. ඔබ උපදිනු දැකීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කෙතරම් ආශාවෙන් සිටියේද යත්, ඔබේ දෙමාපියන් එකට එක්ව ඔබව නිර්මාණය කිරීම හැකිතාක් පහසු හා ආකර්ෂණීය කළහ.

මාගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන්

නමුත් ආදම් හා ඒව්ගේ කතාවේ ටිකක් පසුපසට ගියහොත්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය මැවුවේ උන් වහන්සේගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කර ගැනීමට පමණක් නොවන බව ඔබට පෙනෙනු ඇත. උන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ඔවුන්ගේ හදවත්වල ආශාවන්ද ඉටු වන ආකාරයට නිර්මාණය කළහ.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ආදම් හා ඒව්ගේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කිරීමට කැමති බව මා සොයාගත් දිනය මම ලානාට විවාහ වන්නැයි ඇසූ එම දිනයම විය.

ලානා සහ මම වසර කිහිපයකට පෙර ඉලිනොයිස් විශ්වවිද්‍යාලයේ එකට විද්‍යාලයේ සිටියදී මුණගැසුණෙමු. නමුත් උපාධිය ලැබීමෙන් පසු, මම ටෙක්සාස් වෙත ගිය අතර ඇය මිචිගන් වෙත ගියාය. වසර කිහිපයකට පසු, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප නැවත එකට එක් වීමට කැමතිද යැයි අප කල්පනා කළෙමු — මෙවර විවාහය සඳහා. එබැවින් අපට එකට එම තීරණය ගැන යාච්ඤා කළ හැකි වන පරිදි ලානා ටෙක්සාස් වෙත පැමිණියාය. එක් සෙනසුරාදා උදෑසනක, ලානා මාගේ මහල් නිවාසයට පැමිණි අතර, මිතුරෙකු තරඟයක දුවනු බැලීමට අපි ගියෙමු. තරඟයෙන් පසු, අපගේ දවස ගත කිරීමට පෙර දෙවියන් වහන්සේ සමඟ නිශ්ශබ්ද කාලයක් ගත කිරීමට අපි මාගේ මහල් නිවාසයට ආපසු ආවෙමු. ලානා තම බයිබලය රැගෙන විසිත්ත කාමරයට ගිය අතර, මම මාගේ බයිබලය රැගෙන මාගේ නිදන කාමරයට ගියෙමි.

දින කිහිපයකට පෙර, මම මාගේ ජීවිතයේ පළමු වරට සම්පූර්ණ බයිබලය කියවා අවසන් කර තිබුණි, එබැවින් නැවත කියවීම කොතැනින් ආරම්භ කළ යුතුදැයි මට විශ්වාස නොවීය. මම මුල සිටම නැවත ආරම්භ කිරීමට තීරණය කළෙමි. මම බයිබලයේ පළමු පොතේ පළමු පිටුව විවෘත කළෙමි. පොළොවේ පළමු මිනිසා වූ ආදම් ගැනත්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔහුව ඒදන් උයනේ තැබුවේ පොළොව සී සෑමටත් සතුන් රැකබලා ගැනීමටත් බවත් මම කියවීමට පටන් ගතිමි. නමුත් මෙම සුන්දර පරිසරය මැද, විවිධ විශිෂ්ට දේවලින් වට වී සිටියද, ආදම් තවමත් තනිව සිටින බව: 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දුටුවේය. “ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ වන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මෙසේ පැවසුවේය, ‘මිනිසා තනිව සිටීම හොඳ නැත. මම ඔහුට උචිත උපකාරකයෙකු සාදන්නෙමි’” (උත්පත්ති 2:18).

එබැවින් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ආදම් නිදි කරවා, ඔහුගේ ඉළ ඇටයක් ගෙන, පොළොවේ පළමු ස්ත්‍රිය වූ ඒව්ව නිර්මාණය කළහ. ඉන්පසු දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇයව ආදම් වෙත ගෙන ආවහ.

මම ළමා කාලයේ සිට මෙම කතාව අසා තිබුණද, දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණයෙන් මම එය දුටු පළමු අවස්ථාව මෙය විය. මම කතාව කියවන විට, ආදම් කෙතරම් තනිවී සිටියේද යන්න දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දුටු විට උන් වහන්සේගේ හදවත මෙන් මාගේ හදවතද පහත් විය. ඉන්පසු දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඒව්ව නිර්මාණය කර ඇයව ආදම් වෙත ගෙන ආ විට, උන් වහන්සේගේ හදවත මෙන් මාගේ හදවතද නැවත ඉහළ නැංගේය. ආදම්ගේ මුහුණේ සිනහව සැතපුමක් පළල වන්නට ඇතැයි මම ඔට්ටු අල්ලමි!

මම මාගේ මනසෙහි මෙම දර්ශනය මවා ගත් විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ එම ආකාරයෙන්ම මා දෙස බලා සිටින බවට තීව්‍ර හැඟීමක් මට හදිසියේ ඇති විය! එහිදී මම, විවිධ විශිෂ්ට දේවලින් වට වී සිටියද, තවමත් තනිව සිටියෙමි. එම මොහොතේ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ වචනවලට වඩා ඔබ්බට ගිය ආකාරයකින් මාගේ හදවතට කතා කළහ. උන් වහන්සේ මා වෙනුවෙන්ද ස්ත්‍රියක් නිර්මාණය කර ඇති බවත්, ඇයව මා වෙත ගෙනවුත් ඇති බවත් — එහිම ඊළඟ කාමරයේ! — උන් වහන්සේ මට පෙන්වූහ. මාස ගණනක යාච්ඤාවෙන් පසු, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම මාගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කිරීමට කැමති බව මම අවසානයේ දැනගතිමි. උන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම මා ලානා විවාහ කර ගැනීමට කැමති විය.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මට කී දේ ලානාට කීමට මම කොරිඩෝව දිගේ දිව ගියෙමි. දුවන විට මම කැඩපතක් දෙස බැලීමට නැවතුනේ නැත, නමුත් බැලුවා නම්, ’මාගේ මුහුණේ සිනහව සැතපුමක් පළල වන්නට ඇතැයි මම ඔට්ටු අල්ලමි! අපි කතා කළෙමු, අපි හැඬුවෙමු, මම ඇයට විවාහ වන්නැයි ඇසූ අතර ඇය “ඔව්!” යැයි කීවාය. 

මාස කිහිපයකට පසු අප විවාහ වූ විට, මට ඉල්ලීමට හෝ සිතාගැනීමට හැකි සියල්ලටම වඩා ඔබ්බට ගිය ආකාරයකින් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ සමීපත්වය සඳහා වූ මාගේ ආශාව ඉටු කර ඇති බව මම සොයාගතිමි. මාගේ බිරිඳ සමඟ වූ ලිංගික සමීපත්වය මාගේ ජීවිතයේ වඩාත්ම ස්ථීරව උද්යෝගිමත්, අසාමාන්‍ය අත්දැකීම බවට පත්ව ඇත! 

මෙම පොත පුරාවට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මාගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කර ඇති ආකාරය පමණක් නොව, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාවන්ද ඉටු කිරීමට ආශා කරන ආකාරය ඔබට කීමට මම කැමතියි — මක්නිසාද එසේ කිරීමෙන්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ උන් වහන්සේගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන්ද ඉටු කරන නිසාය.

ලිංගිකත්වය සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ද්විත්ව අරමුණු

ආදම් හා ඒව්ගේ ජීවිතයෙන් මෙම දර්ශන දෙක එකට තැබූ විට, ලිංගිකත්වය නිර්මාණය කිරීම සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ද්විත්ව අරමුණුවල පොහොසත් සුරූපයක් ඔබට ලැබේ:

• අප සමීප
• වීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමතිය. අප සශ්‍රීක
• වීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමතිය. ලිංගිකත්වය හරහා, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපට මේ දෙකම, එකවර කිරීමට මාර්ගයක් සලසා දී ඇත.

ඔබට හැකි හොඳම ලිංගික ජීවිතයක් ගත කිරීමට අවශ්‍ය නම්, මෙම සුරූපය ඔබේ මනසේ ඉදිරියෙන්ම තබා ගැනීමට ඔබ කැමති වනු ඇත. මුල් බැල්මට, ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන්ට හා භාර්යාවන්ට සමීප වී සශ්‍රීක වීමට හැකි වන පරිදි දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය නිර්මාණය කළ බව පැහැදිලි යැයි පෙනෙන්නට පුළුවන. නමුත් මා ඇතුළු බොහෝ දෙනා, කිසිසේත් පැහැදිලි නොවන ආකාරවලින් ලිංගිකත්වයේ නිරත වී ඇත. කිසිවෙකු සමඟ, කවර මුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන් වෙනුවෙන් සිතා සිටින ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ භාර්යාව සමඟ පවා, සමීපත්වයට නොගෙන යන ආකාර. කිසිදා කිසිවිටෙක ජීවිතයක් නොනිපදවන ආකාර. මරණයට පවා ගෙන යා හැකි ආකාර — එය තමන්ගේම වේවා, වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ වේවා, හෝ අනපේක්ෂිත ලෙස පිළිසිඳ ගත් දරුවෙකුගේ මරණය වේවා. 

මෙම පොත සමඟ මාගේ බලාපොරොත්තුව නම් පැහැදිලි දේ…හොඳයි, නැවත පැහැදිලි කිරීමයි! වෙනත් දේවල් අපගේ මනස දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ සත්‍යයට වළාකුළු කරන ආකාරය මම දනිමි, නමුත් අප එය අවංකව සොයන විට දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ සත්‍යය එම වළාකුළු බිඳ ඉවත් කරන ආකාරයද මම දනිමි. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දේ මම සොයාගන්නා තෙක් ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මා වෙනුවෙන් සුදානම් කර තිබූ ලිංගික ජීවිතයේ පින්තූරයක් මාගේ මනසේ ඇතිවීමට පටන් ගත්තේ නැති බව මම දනිමි — මම එය අල්ලා ගැනීමට කැමති නම් උන් වහන්සේ තවමත් මා වෙනුවෙන් රඳවා ගෙන සිටි එකක්. ඔබත් එය අල්ලා ගැනීමට කැමති නම්, උන් වහන්සේ තවමත් ඔබ වෙනුවෙන් රඳවා ගෙන සිටින එකක්.

ඔබ වෙනුවෙන් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආශාවන්

අසාමාන්‍ය ලිංගික ජීවිතයක් පිළිබඳ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ පින්තූරය ඔබේ එකට ගැළපෙන්නේ කෙසේද? ඔබේ ජීවිතය සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ බලාපොරොත්තු හා සිහින ඔබේ බලාපොරොත්තු හා සිහින සමඟ ගැළපෙන්නේ කෙසේද? සමහරවිට ඔබේ ජීවිතය සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේට කිසියම් බලාපොරොත්තු හා සිහින තිබේද යැයි ඔබ කල්පනා කරන්නටත් පුළුවන? මාගේ යාච්ඤාව නම්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ වචනයෙන් මා ඉගෙන ගත් සත්‍යයන්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේට ඔබේ ජීවිතය සඳහා බලාපොරොත්තු හා සිහින ඇති බව ඔබට දැකීමට උපකාර වනු ඇති බවයි, ඒවා මටත් තවත් බොහෝ දෙනෙකුටත් අපගේ ජීවිත සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේට බලාපොරොත්තු හා සිහින ඇති බව දැකීමට උපකාර කළ පරිදිය.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබ සමඟ බෙදාගැනීමට කැමති දේ ගැන මම උද්යෝගිමත් වෙමි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ වචනයෙන් මෙම සත්‍යයන් මාගේ ලිංගික ජීවිතයට යොදාගත් සියලු වසරවලදී, මාගේ බිරිඳ සමඟ වූ මාගේ ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතාවට ආසන්නවත් යන පොළොවේ කිසිදු අත්දැකීමක් නොමැති බව මම සොයාගෙන ඇත.

ඔබ මෙම පොත කියවීමම, ඔබත් මෙවැනි බහුල ජීවිතයක් අත්විඳීමට කැමති බව මට සිතෙන්නට හේතු වේ — ඔබේ සිහින හා ආශාවන් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ඒවා සමඟ සම්පූර්ණයෙන් ගැළපෙන ජීවිතයක්. ඔබ ඇත්තෙන්ම “නිවැරදි දේ” කිරීමට කැමති බව මම විශ්වාස කරමි, නමුත් යමෙක් සත්‍යය පැහැදිලිව පවසන තෙක් “නිවැරදි දේ” කුමක්දැයි දැනගැනීම කෙතරම් අපහසුද යන්නද මම දනිමි.

ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු වීමට ඔබ කැමති ප්‍රමාණයටත් වඩා ඒවා ඉටු කිරීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති යැයි මම ඔබට කීවොත් ඔබ මා විශ්වාස කරන්නෙහිද? ඔබ මෙතෙක් ඉඟියක් පමණක් දුටු ඔබේ ජීවිතය සඳහා ආශාවන් දෙවියන් වහන්සේට ඇත්තෙන්ම තිබේ යැයි කීවොත්? සුපිරි වෙළඳසැලක ගෙවීම් පේළියේ සඟරාවක සංවේදනාත්මක සිරස්තලයක් මෙන් ඇසුණද, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබට අපූරු ලිංගික ජීවිතයක් ලැබීමට ඇත්තෙන්ම කැමති බව සත්‍යයකි! ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කර ගැනීමේ ඔබේ ආවේගශීලී අනුගමනයේදී උන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම ඔබ වෙනුවෙනි, ඔබට විරුද්ධ නොවේ, යන්න මතක තබා ගන්න. 

පහත සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න දෙස බැලීමට මම ඔබට කැමතියි. එය අවසන් වූ විට, ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මට කවදත් දී ඇති හොඳම ප්‍රඥා කැබැල්ලක් දෙස අපි බලමු.

සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න

1. පොළොවේ පළමු යුවළට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පැවසූ පළමු වචන මොනවාද? (උත්පත්ති 1:28) 

2. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඒව්ව නිර්මාණය කර ඇයව ආදම් වෙත ගෙන ආවේ ඇයි? (උත්පත්ති 2:18) 

3. මෙම දර්ශන දෙකෙන් හෙළිදරව් වන පරිදි, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය නිර්මාණය කළ ද්විත්ව අරමුණු මොනවාද? 

4. ලෝකය මිනිසුන්ගෙන් පිරී යාමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති වන්නේ ඇයි? (යොහන් 3:16)

දෙවන පරිච්ඡේදය

පිරිසිදුව සිටීම

“මිනිසා හා ඔහුගේ බිරිඳ දෙදෙනාම නිරුවත්ව සිටියද, ඔවුන්ට කිසිදු ලැජ්ජාවක් නොදැනුණි.”
උත්පත්ති 2:25

ආදම් හා ඒව්ගේ කතාවේ මීළඟ වාක්‍යයේම, හැකි හොඳම ලිංගික ජීවිතයක් භුක්ති විඳින්නේ කෙසේද යන්න පිළිබඳ හොඳම ප්‍රඥා කැබැලිවලින් එකක් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපට දෙයි: “මිනිසා හා ඔහුගේ බිරිඳ දෙදෙනාම නිරුවත්ව සිටියද, ඔවුන්ට කිසිදු ලැජ්ජාවක් නොදැනුණි” (උත්පත්ති 2:25).

“මිනිසා හා ඔහුගේ බිරිඳ දෙදෙනාම නිරුවත්ව සිටියද, ඔවුන්ට කිසිදු ලැජ්ජාවක් නොදැනුණි” (උත්පත්ති 2:25).

මෙය සෑම යුවළක් සඳහාම දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආශාවයි: ඔවුන්ගේ විවාහ දිනයේ — උත්සවය අවසන් වී ආරාධිතයන් නිවෙස් බලා ගිය පසු — මනාලිය හා මනාලයාට තම විවාහ ඇඳුම් ගලවා, සැඟවීමට කිසිවක් නොමැතිව, කිසිදු ලැජ්ජා හැඟීමකින් තොරව, අවසානයේ එක් මාංශයක් වීමට හැකි වීම. ඔවුන් විවාහ වූ පසු, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති වන්නේ ඔවුන්ට මෙසේ, නිරුවත්ව හා ලැජ්ජාවෙන් තොරව, නැවත නැවතත් එකට එක් වීමට හැකි වීමයි.’ඔවුන් විවාහ වූ පසු, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති වන්නේ ඔවුන්ට මෙසේ, නිරුවත්ව හා ලැජ්ජාවෙන් තොරව, නැවත නැවතත් එකට එක් වීමට හැකි වීමයි.

සංකල්පයෙන් මෙය තරමක් පහසු යැයි පෙනුණද, අපගේ හෝමෝන ක්‍රියාත්මක වී, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දුන් ලිංගික ආශාවන් අවුලුවන විට, අපගේ විවාහ දිනය තෙක් දිගු හා අපහසු බලා සිටීමක් විය හැක. එහෙත් බලා සිටීම ඒ සඳහා වටී, තවද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පැහැදිලි කරන්නේ අප බලා සිටීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමති පමණක් නොව, බලා සිටීමට උන් වහන්සේ අපට උපකාර කරන බවයි.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආරක්ෂක මුද්‍රාව

මෝසෙස් ඊශ්‍රායෙල් ජනතාව මිසරයෙන් පිටතට ගෙන ගිය දිනවල, විවාහ දිනයේදී ස්ත්‍රියක් කන්‍යාවියක් — කිසිදා ලිංගිකව එක් නොවූ කෙනෙක් — ද නැද්ද යන්න ඔප්පු කරන විවාහ චාරිත්‍රයක් ඊශ්‍රායෙල්වරුන්ට තිබුණි.

ඕනෑම ස්ත්‍රියක් පළමු වරට ලිංගිකව එක් වන විට, පුරුෂයාගේ ලිංගය ඇගේ යෝනි මාර්ගයේ විවරය අර්ධ වශයෙන් ආවරණය කරන පටල පටලයක්, හරහා තල්ලු වේ. ලිංගය පළමු වරට එම පටලය හරහා යන විට, පටලය දිගු වී විවෘත වන විට කුඩා රුධිර ප්‍රමාණයක් නිපදවේ. මෙම දිගු වීම ස්ත්‍රියකගේ ජීවිත කාලයේදී එක් වරක් පමණක් සිදු වේ, ඉන්පසු එම පටලය සදහටම සම්පූර්ණයෙන් විවෘත වී පවතී. එම පටලය බෙහෙත් බෝතලයක ආරක්ෂක මුද්‍රාවක් මෙන් ක්‍රියා කරයි: මුද්‍රාව බිඳුණු පසු, බෝතලය දැනටමත් විවෘත කර ඇති බව ඔබ දනී. 

මෝසෙස්ගේ කාලයේ, අලුතින් විවාහ වූ යුවළ බිඳුණු පටලයෙන් වන මෙම පළමු රුධිර පිටවීම රෙදි කැබැල්ලක එකතු කර ගනී. එම රෙදිකඩ එම තරුණිය සැබවින්ම විවාහ දිනයේ කන්‍යාවියක් බවට සාක්ෂියක් විය. පුරුෂයෙක් තම නව බිරිඳ සමඟ ලිංගිකව එක් වී මෙම සාක්ෂියේ එවැනි ලකුණක් නොමැති බව සොයාගතහොත්, ඔහුට ඇයව ඇගේ පියාගේ නිවසට ගෙනවුත් ඉක්මන් හා බැරෑරුම් විනිශ්චයකට ලක් කිරීමට අයිතිය තිබුණි. බයිබලයේ සටහන් කර ඇති පරිදි මේ පිළිබඳ නීතිය මෙසේ පවසයි:

“එහෙත්, චෝදනාව සත්‍ය නම් සහ තරුණියගේ කන්‍යාභාවය පිළිබඳ සාක්ෂියක් සොයාගත නොහැකි නම්, ඇයව ඇගේ පියාගේ නිවසේ දොරටුව වෙත ගෙනවුත් එහිදී ඇගේ නගරයේ පිරිමින් ඇයව ගල්ගසා මරා දැමිය යුතුය. ඇය තවමත් තම පියාගේ නිවසේ සිටියදී අනාචාරයේ හැසිරීමෙන් ඊශ්‍රායෙලයේ නින්දිත දෙයක් කර ඇත. ඔබ අතරින් නපුර ඉවත් කළ යුතුය” (ද්විතීය කථාව 22:20-21).

පුරුෂයෙකුද තම විවාහ දිනයේ කන්‍යාවෙකු වීමට අපේක්ෂා කරන ලදී. පුරුෂයෙකුගේ ශරීරයේ ලිංගික සංසර්ගයේදී බිඳී ඔහුගේ කන්‍යාභාවය ඔප්පු කළ හැකි එම පටලයට සමාන කිසිවක් නොතිබුණද, පුරුෂයෙකුද විවාහයට පෙර කිසිවෙකු සමඟ ලිංගිකව එක් නොවිය යුතු බව ද්විතීය කථාව 22 හි ඉතිරි කොටසේ විස්තරාත්මකව සඳහන් වන පරිදි බයිබලයද එසේම පැහැදිලි කරයි. 

(අද දින සමහර ස්ත්‍රීන්, විශේෂයෙන් ක්‍රීඩාවල නිරත වූ හෝ ටැම්පොන් භාවිතා කළ අය, පළමු වරට ආදරය කරන විට රුධිර වහනය නොවන බව කරුණාවෙන් සලකන්න. එවැනි ක්‍රියාකාරකම් ආදරය කිරීමට පෙර එම පටලය දිගු කළ හැක.)

අප තවදුරටත් මෙම නීති කඩ කිරීම නිසා මිනිසුන් මරා නොදැමුවද, එය නීති තවදුරටත් වලංගු නොවන නිසා නොවේ, තවද නීති තවදුරටත් වටිනා නොවන නිසාද නොවේ. වාසනාවකට මෙන්, එයට හේතුව නම්, යේසුස් වහන්සේ පොළොවට පැමිණි විට, උන් වහන්සේ අපගේ පාපවලට, අපගේ ලිංගික පාපවලට ඇතුළුව, මිල ගෙවූ නිසාය. එමගින් උන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාසය තබන ඕනෑම කෙනෙකුට තම පාපවලට දඬුවම තමන්ම ගෙවීමට අවශ්‍ය නොවී, උන් වහන්සේ සමඟ සදහටම ජීවත් වීමට පවා හැකි වේ. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මිනිසුන්ට කෙතරම් ආදරය කරයිද යන්න ගැන මා කලින් ආරම්භ කළ උපුටනය අවසන් කිරීමට, බයිබලය මෙසේ පවසයි:

“මක්නිසාද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලෝකයට කෙතරම් ආදරය කළාද යත්, උන් වහන්සේ තම ඒකජාත පුත්‍රයාණන් දුන්නේය, උන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාස කරන ඕනෑම කෙනෙක් විනාශ නොවී සදාකාල ජීවනය ලබන පිණිසය” (යොහන් 3:16).

නීතිය තවමත් වලංගු හා වටිනා නමුත්, උන් වහන්සේ අපට කෙතරම් ආදරය කළාද යත්, උන් වහන්සේම අපගේ පාපවලට දඬුවම, මරණ දඬුවම පවා, ගෙවීමට කැමති වූ බව යේසුස් වහන්සේ පැහැදිලි කළහ. 

මෙය නිදර්ශනය කරන කතාවකදී, සමහරු අනාචාරයේ ක්‍රියාවේදීම අල්ලා ගත් ස්ත්‍රියක් යේසුස් වහන්සේ වෙත ගෙන ආහ, එනම් ඇය වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා සමඟ ලිංගිකව එක් වෙමින් සිටියාය. නීතියට අනුව ඇයට දඬුවම් කර ගල්ගසා මරා දැමිය යුතුද නැතහොත් නිදහස් කළ යුතුද යැයි ඔවුන් යේසුස් වහන්සේගෙන් ඇසූහ. ජනතාව මෙය කරමින් සිටියේ යේසුස් වහන්සේ උගුලට හසු කර ගැනීමට උත්සාහ කිරීම සඳහා බව බයිබලය පවසයි. උන් වහන්සේගේ පිළිතුර උන් වහන්සේගේ දක්ෂතාවත්, ඔවුන්ගේ හදවත්වල දුෂ්ටත්වයත් යන දෙකම හෙළිදරව් කළේය:

“ඔබ අතරින් පව් නැත්තෙක් සිටී නම්, ඔහු මුලින්ම ඇයට ගලක් ගසත්වා” (යොහන් 8:7ආ).

පුදුමයට කරුණ නම්, ඔවුන් සියල්ලෝම තම ගල් අත්හැර පිටව ගියහ. යේසුස් වහන්සේ දැනසිටි පරිදි, සෑම කෙනෙක්ම තම ජීවිතයේ යම් අවස්ථාවක පව් කර ඇති බව ඔවුන් දැන සිටියහ. යේසුස් වහන්සේ ඔවුන් නොදැන සිටි යමක්ද දැන සිටියේය: උන් වහන්සේම ඇගේ පාපයට, ඔවුන්ගේ පාපවලට, තවද ඔබේ හා මාගේ පාපවලට දඬුවම ගෙවීමට යන බව උන් වහන්සේ දැන සිටියේය. නීතිය තවමත් වලංගු වූ අතර ඉක්මනින්ම උන් වහන්සේගේ මරණයෙන් ඉටු වනු ඇත. නමුත් ඇගේ ස්ථානය ගෙන සමාව දීමෙන්, යේසුස් වහන්සේ ඇගේ ජීවිතයද දිගු කළහ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මුලින්ම ඇයව නිර්මාණය කළ ඉතිරි අරමුණු ඉටු කිරීමට ඇයට ඉඩ දුන්හ. අනෙක් සියලු දෙනා දර්ශනයෙන් පිටව ගිය පසු, ඇයව මරා දැමීමට තරම් වූ පාපවලින් හැරී යන ලෙස යේසුස් වහන්සේ ස්ත්‍රියගෙන් ඉල්ලා සිටියහ:

“ස්ත්‍රිය, ඔවුන් කොහෙද? ඔබට කිසිවෙක් වරදක් නොපැවරුවාද?”

“කිසිවෙක් නැත, ස්වාමීනි,” ඇය කීවාය.

“එසේනම් මමද ඔබට වරදක් නොපවරමි,” යේසුස් වහන්සේ ප්‍රකාශ කළහ. “දැන් ගොස් ඔබේ පව් ජීවිතය අත්හරින්න.” 

(යොහන් 8:10ආ-11)

අපගේ විවාහ දිනයේ ලිංගිකව පිරිසිදුව සිටීම පිළිබඳ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ අපේක්ෂාවන් සහ එහි මහත් වටිනාකම, මෝසෙස්ගේ කාලයේ මිනිසුන්ට මෙන්ම අද අපටත් එලෙසම පවතී. විවාහය තුළ හැකි හොඳම ලිංගික ජීවිතයක් ගත කිරීමට, පළමු පියවර වන්නේ විවාහයට පෙර පිරිසිදුව සිටීමයි. අපට එය කරන්නේ කෙසේද? දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපට එයද කියයි.

තීරණාත්මක සංවාදයක්

මම ලානා විවාහ කර ගැනීමට මාස කිහිපයකට පෙර, ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා පිළිබඳව මිනිසුන්ට නිතිපතා උපදෙස් දුන් මිනිසෙකු සමඟ මට කෙටි නමුත් තීරණාත්මක සංවාදයක් ඇති විය. එබැවින් මාගේ ඉදිරි විවාහය දෙවියන් වහන්සේ එයට කැමති සියල්ල විය හැකි වන පරිදි එය ආරක්ෂා කර ගැනීමට මාර්ග ගැන විමසීමට මම ඔහුට කතා කළෙමි.

අපගේ සංවාදයේ පළමු මිනිත්තු කිහිපය තුළම, ඔහුගේ වචන මාගේ විවාහය සඳහා රන් කැට මෙන් වනු ඇති බව මට වැටහුණි. පළමු කැටය මතු වූයේ ඔහු ලානා සමඟ මාගේ වත්මන් භෞතික සම්බන්ධතාව ගැන මගෙන් ඇසූ විටය. අපි හාදු දුන්නෙමුද, අත් අල්ලා ගත්තෙමුද, වෙනත් ආකාරවලින් රොමෑන්ටිකව එකිනෙකා ස්පර්ශ කළෙමුද? මම කීවේ අප එසේ කළ බවයි. ඉන්පසු ඇය වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ බිරිඳ නම්, මම ඇයව මෙම ආකාරවලින් ස්පර්ශ කරන්නෙහිද යැයි ඇසීමෙන් ඔහු මට අභියෝග කළේය. නැහැ, ඇත්තෙන්ම නැත! එසේනම් ඇයි, ඔහු ඇසුවේ, අප විවාහ වීමට පෙර මම ඇයව මෙම ආකාරවලින් ස්පර්ශ කරන්නේ? මක්නිසාද සත්‍යය නම්, අප ඇත්තෙන්ම විවාහ වන දිනය තෙක්, අප දෙදෙනාගෙන් කවුරුන් හෝ වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ වීම තවමත් හැකි වූ බවයි. අපගේ ඉදිරි විවාහය පිළිබඳ අපගේ කැපවීම ගැන මට කිසිදු පැකිලීමක් නොතිබුණද, ඕනෑම දෙයක් විය හැකි බවත්, මෙම මිනිසා මට සත්‍යය පවසන බවත් මම දැන සිටියෙමි.

අපගේ මිතුරියක් මෑතකදී ඇගේ සහෝදරයා සම්බන්ධ කනගාටුදායක තත්ත්වයක් ගැන අපට කීවාය. ඔහු තම සිහිනවල තරුණිය සමඟ විවාහ වීමට නියමිතව සිටියේය, නමුත් විවාහයට මාසයකට පෙර, ඔහු තම පරීක්ෂාවන්ට යටත් වී ලිංගිකව එක් විය — තම සිහිනවල තරුණිය සමඟ නොව, යම් කලක සිට ඔහු පසුපස අසාර්ථක ලෙස ලුහුබැඳි ඇගේ සහෝදරිය සමඟ. පසුව, ඔහු කළ දේ ගැන ඔහුට භයානක ලෙස දැනුණි, නමුත් ඔහුගේ පෙම්වතිය ඔහුට සමාව දුන් අතර ඔවුන් තම විවාහය සැලසුම් කිරීම දිගටම කරගෙන ගියහ. කනගාටුවට කරුණ නම්, විවාහයට දින කිහිපයකට පෙර, සහෝදරිය තමන් මෙම මිනිසාගේ දරුවකු පිළිසිඳ ඇති බව සොයාගත්තාය. දැන් කුමක් කළ යුතුද යන්න පිළිබඳ කලබලයට පත් ව, දරුවාට පියෙකු ලැබෙන පිණිස ඔහු තරුණියගේ සහෝදරිය විවාහ කර ගත්තේය. ඊටත් වඩා කනගාටුවට කරුණ නම්, විවාහයෙන් ටික කලකට පසු එම සහෝදරියට ගබ්සාවක් සිදු වීමයි. එමගින් මිනිසා තමා සැලසුම් නොකළ විවාහයකට ලක් වූ අතර, ඔවුන්ගේ අනපේක්ෂිත දරුවා ගබ්සාවෙන් මියගිය අතර, ඔහුගේ සිහිනවල තරුණිය තනිවම ඉතිරි විය. කෙතරම් හදවත් බිඳෙන කතාවක්ද, මසක් ඇතුළත “නියත වශයෙන්ම, නිසැකවම” විවාහ වීමට යන පුද්ගලයන් දෙදෙනෙකුට පවා වළක්වා ගත හැකිව තිබූ එකක්. සත්‍යය නම්, විවාහයට පෙර කුමක් සිදු විය හැකිද යන්න අප සරලවම නොදන්නා බවයි.

තවත් ස්ත්‍රියක් මට ලිවුවේ ඇය සහ ඇගේ පෙම්වතා එකට ජීවත් වන බවත්, ඔවුන් සම්පූර්ණ ලිංගික සංසර්ගයේ නොයෙදුණද, ඇගේ වචනවලින් කිවහොත්, ලිංගිකත්වය “අනුකරණය” කරමින් සිටි බවත්ය. ඔවුන් අනාගතයේ කවදා හෝ විවාහ වීමට බලාපොරොත්තු වූ නමුත් දැන් නොවේ. විවාහයට පෙර මෙවැනි ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා පැවැත්වීම වැරදි යැයි සමහර ක්‍රිස්තියානීන් සිතන බව ඇය අසා ඇති නමුත්, මෙය වැරදි නම් ඇයට බොහෝ පැහැදිලි කිරීම් අවශ්‍ය වන බව ඇය කීවාය, මක්නිසාද ඇය තම පෙම්වතාගේ ආදරය සඳහා තණ්හාවෙන් සිටි නිසාත්, තමා ආදරය කරන කෙනෙකු ස්පර්ශ කිරීම කෙතරම් ස්වාභාවිකද යැයි ඇයට හැඟුණු නිසාත්ය. 

එදින මම අපගේ නිවසේ පිවිසුම සඳහා කුඩා පලසක් මිලදී ගැනීමට සාප්පු යාමට ගොස් තිබූ නිසා, දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණයෙන් මෙම කරුණ ඇයට දැකීමට උපකාර කිරීමට මම මාගේ සාප්පු අත්දැකීම නිදර්ශනයක් ලෙස භාවිතා කළෙමි. සාප්පුවේ බිම මත එය පෙනෙන්නේ කෙසේදැයි බැලීමට මම රාක්කයෙන් පලසක් ඇද ගන්නා සෑම විටම, මාගේ බාල පුත්‍රයන් දෙදෙනා වහාම එය මත ඇවිදීමට පටන් ගනිති. පලස් තවම අපගේ නොවන නිසා ඒවා මත පය නොතැබීමට මට ඔවුන්ට නැවත නැවත කීමට සිදු විය. වෙනත් අයගේ සපත්තුවලින් ඇවිද අපිරිසිදු වූ පලසක් මිලදී ගැනීමට වෙනත් කෙනෙක් කැමති වේ යැයි මම නොසිතුවෙමි. මම නම් කැමති නොවෙමි! 

ඇවිදීම සඳහා නිර්මාණය කර ඇතත්, තවම අපගේ නොවන පලසක් අප එසේ සලකන්නේ නම්, වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ වටිනා හා සියුම් ශරීරයක් අප සලකන්නේ කෙසේද යැයි මම ඇයට කීවෙමි. එය අපගේ නොවේ නම්, යම් අවස්ථාවක එය අපගේ වනු ඇතැයි බලාපොරොත්තු වුවද, එය අපගේ මෙන් අප ක්‍රියා නොකළ යුතුය. අප කවුන්ටරයට ගොස් නිසි ලෙස ගෙවන තෙක් පලසක් අපගේ මෙන් නොසලකන පරිදිම, අප එකිනෙකා වෙත “මරණය අප වෙන් කරන තෙක්” අපගේ ජීවිත කැප කරමින් විවාහ මණ්ඩපය දිගේ ගමන් කරන තෙක් වෙනත් පුද්ගලයෙකු අපගේ මෙන් නොසැලකිය යුතුය. එවිට — එවිට පමණක් — අප ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හා භාර්යාව බවට පත්ව එකිනෙකාට අයිති වන්නෙමු, බයිබලයේ පළමු කොරින්ති පොතේ විස්තර කරන පරිදි: 

“භාර්යාවගේ ශරීරය ඇයට පමණක් අයිති නොව ඇගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයාටද අයිතිය. එලෙසම, ස්වාමිපුරුෂයාගේ ශරීරය ඔහුට පමණක් අයිති නොව ඔහුගේ භාර්යාවටද අයිතිය” (1 කොරින්ති 7:4).

ආදරය අවදි කිරීමට බලා සිටීම

එකිනෙකාට අයිති වන මෙම හැඟීම ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන් හා භාර්යාවන් අතර විවාහය තුළ පමණක් ඇති වේ. 

එසේ නම්, විවාහයට පෙර යමෙකු සමඟ අපගේ භෞතික සම්බන්ධතාවේ අප රේඛාව අඳින්නේ කොතැනද? එය අඳින ආරක්ෂිතම ස්ථානය නම්, වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ සමඟ අප එය අඳින එම ස්ථානයමය. මම වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ බිරිඳට රොමෑන්ටිකව හාදු දෙන්නෙමිද? මාගේ අත ඇගේ දණහිස මත රැඳී තබන්නෙමිද? ඇය ඇඳුම් ඇඳ හෝ නිරුවත්ව සිටියද, මම ඇගේ පියයුරු හෝ තට්ටම් ස්පර්ශ කරන්නෙමිද? සම්පූර්ණ ලිංගික සංසර්ගය හෝ එහි “අනුකරණයක්” පමණක් වුවද, මම ඇයව කිසියම් ආකාරයකින් ලිංගිකව උත්තේජනය කරන්නෙමිද, නැතහොත් ඇයට මට එසේ කිරීමට ඉඩ දෙන්නෙමිද? නියත වශයෙන්ම නැත! තවද, මම විවාහ වීමට පෙර වෙනත් කෙනෙක් මාගේ අනාගත බිරිඳ මෙම ආකාරවලින් ස්පර්ශ කිරීමට මම කැමති වන්නෙමිද? 

බයිබලයේ වඩාත්ම රොමෑන්ටික පොත්වලින් එකක් වන ගීතිකා ගීතයේ, පොතේ පෙම්වතුන්ගෙන් එක් අයෙක් නැවත නැවතත් අනතුරු අඟවයි: 

“යෙරුසලමේ ස්ත්‍රීනි, වේගවත් මුවන් සහ වන මුවන් නමින්, ආදරය එහි නියම කාලය එළඹෙන තෙක් අවදි නොකරන ලෙස මට පොරොන්දු වන්න” (ගීතිකා ගීතය 2:7ආ, තවද 3:5ආ සහ 8:4ආ, NLT).

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති නැත්තේ නියම කාලය එළඹෙන තෙක් අප රොමෑන්ටික ආදරය අවදි කිරීමටවත්ය. සම්බන්ධතාවක් තුළ වරක් ආදරය අවුලුවා ගත් පසු, ඒ අතරතුර අපගේ හදවත් කැඩී නොගොස් නැවත පසුපසට යාම ඉතා අපහසුය. 

විවාහ නොවූ මිනිසෙකු සමඟ ජීවත් වූ තවත් ස්ත්‍රියක් සමඟ මම කතා කළෙමි. මෙම මිනිසා ඇයට ඇත්තෙන්ම නරක ලෙස සැලකූ බවත්, නමුත් ඇය දැනටමත් ඔහු සමඟ සම්බන්ධ වී ඇති බවත්, එයින් මිදෙන්නේ කෙසේදැයි නොදන්නා බවත් ඇය මට කීවාය. කුමක් කළ යුතුදැයි ඇය මගෙන් ඇසුවාය. මම ඇයට කීවෙමි, “මේ මොහොතේම සම්බන්ධතාව නවත්වන්න. ඔහුට ඔබේ නිවසින් යන්නැයි කියන්න. ඔබේ ජීවිත කාලය පුරාම ඔබේ හදවත රැකබලා ගැනීමට කැප වීමට කැමති නැති කෙනෙකුට ඔබේ හදවත නොදෙන්න!” ඇය කරමින් සිටි දේට ඇගේ ඇස් විවෘත විය. අවාසනාවකට, එම මොහොතේම සම්බන්ධතාව නැවැත්වීම වෙනුවට, ඇය අවසානයේ ඔහුට යන්නැයි කීමට තවත් මසක් ගත විය. තවත් කනගාටුදායක සිදුවීමකදී, ඔහු අවසානයේ ගිය පසු, ඔවුන්ගේ අවසාන මාසය තුළ ඇය ඔහුගේ දරුවකු පිළිසිඳ ඇති බව ඇය සොයාගත්තාය. ඇය එය සොයාගන්නා විට, පියා ගොස් තිබුණි. 

කරුණාකර, ආදරය එහි නියම කාලය එළඹෙන තෙක් අවදි කරන කිසිවක් නොකරන්න. 

මෙයින් අදහස් වන්නේ ඔබට මිනිසුන්ට මිත්‍රශීලී වැළඳ ගැනීමක් හෝ “ශුද්ධ හාදුවක්” දිය නොහැකි බව නොවේ. නමුත් මිත්‍රශීලී වැළඳ ගැනීමක් හෝ ශුද්ධ හාදුවක් සහ රොමෑන්ටික, ලිංගිකව උත්තේජනය කරන වැළඳ ගැනීමක් හෝ හාදුවක් අතර විශාල වෙනසක් ඇත. ඔබේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ හැර වෙනත් කිසිවෙකු සමඟ ලිංගිකව උත්තේජනය කරන හෝ අවුලුවන ඕනෑම ක්‍රියාවක් අනවශ්‍ය, ඵලදායී නොවන සහ විය හැකි හානිකරය. ඔබ අසන්නට පුළුවන, “එයින් කුමන හානියක් විය හැකිද?” එය විශිෂ්ට ප්‍රශ්නයකි. මා දැන් දුන් උදාහරණ මෙන්, එයින් බොහෝ හානියක් විය හැක! නමුත් ගැබ්ගැනීම් හෝ රෝග නොතිබුණද, ඔබේ හදවතට විය හැකි හානිය “නියම කාලය” එළඹෙන තෙක් ඔබේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ හැර වෙනත් කිසිවෙකු සමඟ “ආදරය අවදි නොකිරීමට” තරම් බැරෑරුම්ය. විවාහයට පෙර තම ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා ගැන මිනිසුන් මට කියන ප්‍රධාන පසුතැවිලිවලින් එකක් නම්, ඔවුන් එම මතකයන් තම විවාහයට ගෙන එන බවයි, වෙනත් ආකාරයකින් සුන්දර වන තම කලත්‍රයා සමඟ වූ සම්බන්ධතාවට බාධා කරන, මකා දැමිය නොහැකි මතකයන්.

එයින් කුමන හානියක් විය හැකිද? බොහෝ. නමුත් තවත් හොඳ ප්‍රශ්නයක් ඇත: “එයින් කුමන යහපතක් විය හැකිද?” ලිංගික ක්‍රියාකාරකම්වල නිරත වීම මුලින්ම දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය නිර්මාණය කළ ද්විත්ව අරමුණුවලින් එකක් ඉටු නොකරන්නේ නම්, එනම් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබ වෙනුවෙන් නිර්මාණය කළ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ සමඟ සමීපත්වය ගොඩනැගීම හෝ ඵල දැරීම, එසේ නම් එය දැන් හෝ පසුව ඔබට හෝ අන් අයට විනාශකාරී වීමට වැඩි ඉඩක් ඇත.

ඉඟියක්වත් නැත

පලසක් ඔබට සුදුසුද යැයි බැලීමට එය මත පය තැබීමට අවශ්‍ය නැත. ඔබට එය මිලදී ගැනීමට කැප වීමට පෙර එය දෙස බැලීමට, අගය කිරීමට, පරෙස්සමින් පරීක්ෂා කිරීමට පවා හැකිය, සහ කළ යුතුය, නමුත් එය මත ඇවිදීමට, අපිරිසිදු කිරීමට, නැතහොත් ඊටත් නරක ලෙස, වෙනත් කිසිවෙක්වත් එය අවශ්‍ය නොවන තරමට මඩ ගැල්වීමට අවශ්‍ය නැත, එය අවාසනාවකට බොහෝ ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතාවලදී සිදු වේ. 

එසේනම්, අපගේ භෞතික සම්බන්ධතාවල අප රේඛාව අඳින්නේ කොතැනද? අප අතර ලිංගික දුරාචාරයේ ඉඟියක්වත් නොතිබිය යුතු බව බයිබලය පවසයි: 

“නමුත් ඔබ අතර ලිංගික දුරාචාරයේ ඉඟියක්වත්, කිසියම් ආකාරයක අපිරිසිදුකමක් හෝ තණ්හාවක් නොතිබිය යුතුය, මක්නිසාද මේවා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ශුද්ධ ජනතාවට නුසුදුසුය” (එපීස 5:3).

මෙම මිනිසා සමඟ මාගේ සංවාදය ලානා සමඟ මාගේ සම්බන්ධතාව පිළිබඳ නව ඇස් මට ලබා දුන්නේය. මාස කිහිපයකට පසු අප විවාහ වීමට නියමිතව සිටියද, අපගේ භෞතික සම්බන්ධතාවේ දැනටමත් “ඉඟි කිරීමේ” අවධීන් ඉක්මවා ගොස් තිබුණද, එම ඉතිරි මාසවලදී අප භෞතිකව එකිනෙකා වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ මෙන් සලකන තැනට භෞතිකව පසුබැසීම වැදගත් යැයි මට හැඟුණි — මක්නිසාද එය කෙතරම් දුරස්ථ හැකියාවක් යැයි පෙනුණද, අපගේ විවාහ දිනය තෙක්, අප දෙදෙනාගෙන් කවුරුන් හෝ විය හැකි වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ වීමට තවමත් අවස්ථාවක් තිබුණි. අපගේ දුර පවත්වා ගැනීම පහසු නොවීය, තවද අප එහි පරිපූර්ණ නොවීය, විශේෂයෙන් අප දැනටමත් එම රේඛා පසුකර තිබූ නිසා. නමුත් පූජකයා අවසානයේ “ඔබට මනාලියට හාදු දිය හැකිය!” යැයි කී එම මොහොත තෙක් ලානාට නැවත හාදු දීමටවත් බලා සිටීමේ වටිනාකම මම තවමත් දුටුවෙමි. 

එය අවසානයේ පැමිණි විට කෙතරම් අපූරු මොහොතක් වූවාද, ලානාට හාදු දීමට හැකි වීම, විවාහය ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන්ට හා භාර්යාවන්ට දෙන සියලු අයිතිවාසිකම් හා වරප්‍රසාද සමඟ ඉක්මනින්ම ඇයව සම්පූර්ණයෙන් වැළඳ ගැනීමට හැකි වන බව දැනගෙන. විවාහයට පෙර ලිංගික දුරාචාරයේ ඉඟියක්වත් වළක්වා ගැනීමට හිතාමතාම උත්සාහ කිරීමෙන්, තනිකඩ භාවයේ සිට විවාහයට වන සංක්‍රාන්තිය ඊටත් වඩා මිහිරි විය.

සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න

1. ආදම් හා ඒව් දෙදෙනාම නිරුවත්ව සිටියද, ඔවුන් පළමු වරට එකට සිටි විට නොදැනුණු දේ කුමක්ද? (උත්පත්ති 2:25)

2. මෝසෙස්ගේ දිනවල, පුරුෂයෙකු හෝ ස්ත්‍රියක් විවාහයට පෙර ලිංගිකව එක් වුවහොත් කුමක් කළ යුතු බව නීතිය පැවසුවේද? (ද්විතීය කථාව 22:20-21, ද්විතීය කථාව 22:29)

3. අප තවදුරටත් මෙම නීතිවලට දඬුවම් ක්‍රියාත්මක නොකරන්නේ ඇයි? ඒවා තවදුරටත් වලංගු හෝ වටිනා නොවන නිසාද? නැතහොත් වෙනත් හේතුවක් නිසාද? (යොහන් 8:1-11)

4. අපගේ ජීවිතවල අප නොතිබිය යුතු යැයි දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති “ඉඟියක්වත් නැති” දේ කුමක්ද? (එපීස 5:3)

තෙවන පරිච්ඡේදය

පරීක්ෂාවට මුහුණ දීම

“නමුත් ඔබ පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් වන විට, ඔබට එයට ඔරොත්තු දී නැගී සිටිය හැකි වන පිණිස උන් වහන්සේ පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක්ද සලසනු ඇත.”
1 කොරින්ති 10:13ආ

ආදම් හා ඒව් වාසනාවන්ත වූහ, නේද? ඔවුන්ට විවාහයට පෙර පිරිසිදුව සිටීම ගැන සිතීමට අවශ්‍ය නොවීය. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඒව්ව ආදම්ගේ ඉස්කුරුප්පුවට තැබූහ, ඔවුන් එකිනෙකා සඳහා නියම වී ඇති බව ඔවුහු දැන සිටියහ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට සශ්‍රීක වී බෝ වන්නැයි පැවසූහ! 

ඊට වඩා වාසනාවන්ත විය හැක්කේ කෙසේද?

නමුත් පිරිසිදුව සිටීම අප කිසිවෙකුට පහසු නැත, ආදම් හා ඒව්ටවත්. 

ඔවුන්ගේ කතාවේ මීළඟ වාක්‍යයේ, සාතන් දර්ශනයට පැමිණ ප්‍රශ්න ඇසීමට පටන් ගත්තේය: “දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම කීවාද…?”

අප බිඳ දැමීමට සාතන්ගේ වඩාත්ම ඵලදායී උපාය මාර්ගවලින් එකක් මෙයයි: දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කී දේ ප්‍රශ්න කිරීමට අප යොමු කිරීම — දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කී දේ එවකට සම්පූර්ණයෙන් පැහැදිලි වුවද. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ආදම්ට කියා තිබුණේ, උයනේ එක් ගසක් හැර ඕනෑම ගසකින් ඔහුට කෑමට හැකි බවත්, එයින් කෑවොත් ඔහු මිය යන බවත්ය. පසුව, සාතන් සරලවම ඔවුන්ගෙන් ඇසුවේය:

“දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම, ‘උයනේ කිසිම ගසකින් ඔබ නොකෑ යුතුය’ යැයි කීවාද?” (උත්පත්ති 3:1ආ).

හොඳයි, නැහැ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම කීවේ එය නොවේ (උත්පත්ති 3 බලන්න), නමුත් ආදම් හා ඒව්ව අවධානය නොමැති තැන අල්ලා ගැනීමට එය ප්‍රමාණවත් විය. ඔවුන්ට අවශ්‍ය දේ ලබා ගැනීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම කී දේ වටා යාමට මාර්ගයක් තිබේදැයි ඔවුන් කල්පනා කිරීමට පටන් ගත්හ. මුලින් ඔවුන් එයට එරෙහි වුවද, අවසානයේ ඔවුන් එයට හසු වූහ. 

මාද එසේ විය.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ අභිප්‍රායයන් අනුමාන කිරීම

මම පල්ලියට යමින් හැදී වැඩුණද, උසස් පෙළට පැමිණි විට, මාගේ ලිංගික ආශාවන් තෘප්තිමත් කිරීමට කැමති වීම සහ එසේ කිරීම නිවැරදි නොවන බව දැනගැනීම අතර මම කැඩී වැටුණෙමි. මම ටිකෙන් ටික යටත් වීමට පටන් ගතිමි. විද්‍යාලයෙන් උපාධිය ලබන විට, මම ලිංගික තෘප්තියේ මාර්ගයේ බොහෝ දුරට ගොස් තිබුණි. 

ලානාද එවැනිම මාර්ගයක් අනුගමනය කළාය. ඇය ආදර සම්බන්ධතා පැවැත්වීමට පටන් ගත් විට, ඇය සම්බන්ධ වූ තරුණයන් සමඟ භෞතිකව රේඛාව අඳින්නට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති කොතැනද යන්න ඇයට හරියටම විශ්වාස නොවීය. ඇගේ භෞතික සම්බන්ධතාවල නව සීමා රේඛාවකට පැමිණෙන විට, එය පසුකළ යුතුද නැද්ද යැයි ඇය කල්පනා කරන්නීය. සෑම වතාවකම ඇය දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇය සතුටින් සිටීමට කැමති බවට වන නිගමනයට නැවත පැමිණියාය — තවද ඇය කරමින් සිටි දේ ඇයව ඇත්තෙන්ම සතුටු කළේය! එබැවින් ඇය කරමින් සිටි දේ හරි විය යුතු යැයි ඇය අනුමාන කළාය. 

එක් සීමාවක් පසුකිරීම යුක්තිසහගත කළ පසු, ඊළඟ එක පසුකිරීම පහසු වන බව ලානාත් මමත් සොයාගත්තෙමු. ගැබ්ගැනීමේ බිය අප දෙදෙනාම විවාහයට පෙර කිසිවෙකු සමඟ සම්පූර්ණ ලිංගික සංසර්ගයේ නියැලීමෙන් වැළැක්වූ අතර, අප කරමින් සිටි දේවල් තවමත් අනාගතයේ විය හැකි භෞතික ගැටලු — සහ නියත හදවත් බිඳීම් — සඳහා අප සූදානම් කරමින් සිටි බව අප තේරුම් නොගත්තෙමු, ඒ දෙකම වළක්වා ගත හැකිව තිබුණි. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇය සතුටින් සිටීමට කැමති බව ලානා නිවැරදි විය! නමුත් සැබවින්ම සතුටින් සිටීමේ මාර්ගය නම් සැබවින්ම ශුද්ධව සිටීමයි — දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ මෙන්ම ඔබේම ඇස්වලද පිරිසිදුව සිටීමයි. ආදම් හා ඒව් සොයාගත් පරිදි, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම කියන දේ සොයාගැනීම වෙනුවට, සතුටින් සිටින්නේ කෙසේද යන්න ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කුමක් කියන්නට පුළුවන්ද යැයි අප අනුමාන කරන විට, අප සතුටු කරනු ඇතැයි සිතූ දේ ඉතා කෙටිකාලීන බවත් — තවද අප සිතූවාට වඩා අසතුට ඇති කළ හැකි බවත් — අප ඉක්මනින්ම සොයාගනිමු.

ප්‍රශ්න දෙකක්

අපගේ මානව දෘෂ්ටිකෝණයෙන්, මිනිසුන් නියැලෙන සමහර ලිංගික ක්‍රියාකාරකම් ලිංගිකත්වයේ පැහැදිලි වැරදි භාවිත ලෙස නොපෙනෙන්නට පුළුවන. නමුත් අප හැරී දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණයෙන් ඒවා දෙස බලන විට, ලිංගිකත්වයේ භාවිත හා වැරදි භාවිත වඩාත් පැහැදිලි වේ. 

අපගේ නව බල්ලා පුහුණු කිරීමට උපකාර කිරීමට එක් දිනක් අප සුනඛ ආහාර කිහිපයක් මිලදී ගත්තෙමු. ඇයටත් අපටත් යහපත් යම් දේ කිරීමට ඒවා ඇයව දිරිගන්වනු ඇතැයි අප සිතුවෙමු. එවකට අපට කුඩා දරුවෙක්ද සිටි අතර, ඇය එම ආහාර සොයාගත්තාය! ඇය ඒවා එකින් එක බල්ලාට කැවීමට පටන් ගත්තාය. අපගේ බල්ලා එය අපූරු යැයි සිතුවාය! ඇයට අවශ්‍ය තරම් ආහාර ලැබුණි! නමුත් එය අපට කෙසේ දැනුණේ යැයි ඔබ සිතන්නේද? යම් අවස්ථාවක බල්ලාට ආහාර ලැබීමට අප කැමති විය — ඒවා ඇය වෙනුවෙන් අප මිලදී ගත් බව පැහැදිලිය — නමුත් ඇය ඒවා ලබා ගත් ආකාරය මුලින්ම ඒවා මිලදී ගත් අරමුණම බිඳ දැමුවේය.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය නිර්මාණය කළ අරමුණු ඉටු නොකරන ආකාරවලින් අප ලිංගිකත්වයේ නියැලෙන විට උන් වහන්සේටද එසේම දැනිය යුතුය. යම් අවස්ථාවක ලිංගිකත්වයේ රසය භුක්ති විඳීමට උන් වහන්සේ අප කැමතිය — එය අපට රසවත් වන ලෙස උන් වහන්සේ පැහැදිලිවම නිර්මාණය කළහ — නමුත් මුලින්ම එය නිර්මාණය කළ අරමුණු බිඳ දමන ආකාරවලින් අප ලිංගිකත්වයේ නියැලීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමති නැත.

විවාහයට පෙර හා විවාහය තුළ පිරිසිදුව සිටීමට හොඳම ක්‍රමය නම්, හැරී දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණයෙන් ලිංගිකත්වය දෙස බැලීමයි. ඔබ කරමින් සිටින්නේ රසය සඳහාද, නැතහොත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ සඳහාද යන්න සාමාන්‍යයෙන් ඔබට ක්ෂණයකින් දැකිය හැක. 

ඔබ කරමින් සිටින, හෝ කිරීමට සලකා බලමින් සිටින යමක්, ඔබ වෙනුවෙන් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආශාවන් සමඟ ගැළපේද නැද්ද යන්න තීරණය කිරීමට උපකාර වන ප්‍රශ්න දෙකක් ඔබට ඔබෙන්ම ඇසිය හැක:

1. මෙය දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මා වෙනුවෙන් නිර්මාණය කළ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ සමඟ වැඩි සමීපත්වයකට මා ගෙන යනු ඇද්ද?
2. මෙය දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මා වෙනුවෙන් නිර්මාණය කළ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ සමඟ වැඩි ඵලදායීත්වයකට මා ගෙන යනු ඇද්ද?

යම් ක්‍රියාවක් ඔබව ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා සමඟ වැඩි සමීපත්වයකට හෝ ඵලදායීත්වයකට ගෙන නොයන්නේ නම්, එය සමීපත්වය හෝ ඵලදායීත්වය විනාශ කිරීමට වැඩි ඉඩක් ඇත. 

පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක්

ලිංගිකව ආකර්ෂණීය දේවලින් වැළකී සිටීම කෙතරම් අපහසුද යන්න මම දනිමි. නමුත් මා කලින් සඳහන් කළ පරිදි, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප පිරිසිදුව සිටීමට කැමති පමණක් නොව, පිරිසිදුව සිටීමට උන් වහන්සේ අපට උපකාරද කරනු ඇත.

යේසුස් වහන්සේ යනු අප මුහුණ දෙන අරගල ගැන කිසිවක් නොදන්නා “එහාට” සිටින කෙනෙක් නොවේ. යේසුස් වහන්සේ ගැන බයිබලය මෙසේ පවසයි, උන් වහන්සේ මෙහි අපගේ උත්තම පූජකයා ලෙස විස්තර කර ඇත:

“මක්නිසාද අපගේ දුර්වලකම් ගැන අනුකම්පා කළ නොහැකි උත්තම පූජකයෙක් අපට නැත, නමුත් සෑම ආකාරයකින්ම, අප මෙන්ම, පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් වූ, එහෙත් පව් නොකළ එක් අයෙක් අපට සිටී” (හෙබ්‍රෙව් 4:15).

පරීක්ෂාවට ලක්වීම කෙබඳුදැයි යේසුස් වහන්සේ දනී හා තේරුම් ගනී. නමුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ සැමවිටම අපට පරීක්ෂාවෙන් පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක් සලසන බවද උන් වහන්සේ අපට පෙන්වයි. 

මම කලින් ඩාර්ක් කාසල් නමැති පරිගණක ක්‍රීඩාවක් කිරීමට ප්‍රිය කළෙමි. එහි අරමුණ වූයේ ඔබ සිර වී සිටින බලකොටුවකින් පැන යාමට උත්සාහ කිරීමයි. බලකොටුවේ සෑම කාමරයකම වෙනස් අභියෝගයක් තිබුණි. සමහර විට ඔබට වවුලන්ට ගල් විසි කිරීමට, චලනය වන ගල් හරහා පැනීමට, හෝ පියාසර කරන වස්තූන්ගෙන් වැළකීමට සිදු විය. 

සෑම කාමරයකම ඔබට එය හරහා යාමට උපකාර කිරීමට විශේෂ යමක් තිබුණි: විසි කිරීමට ගල් මල්ලක්, ඉහළට පැනීමට උපකාර කරන විශේෂ යතුරු එබීමක්, හෝ පියාසර කිරීමට උපකාර කරන ජෙට් පැක් එකක්. පිටවීමේ මාර්ගය සොයාගන්නා තෙක් මම සෑම කාමරයක්ම වටා බැලුවෙමි. එය සොයාගත් විට, මම එය ගෙන ඊළඟ කාමරයට ගියෙමි. අවසානයේ, මම කෙළවරට ළඟා වුණෙමි. මම සතුරා පරාජය කර, බලකොටුවෙන් පැන ගොස්, අවසානයේ නිදහස් වුණෙමි.

අප පරීක්ෂාවකට මුහුණ දෙන සෑම විටම, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක් සලසා ඇති බව උන් වහන්සේ පොරොන්දු වී ඇත. අප සැමවිටම එය වහාම නොදකින්නට පුළුවන, එය දැකීමට කැමති නොවන්නටත් පුළුවන, නමුත් එය ’සැමවිටම එහි ඇත. බයිබලය මෙසේ පවසයි:

“මිනිසාට පොදු දෙයක් හැර වෙනත් කිසිදු පරීක්ෂාවක් ඔබ මුහුණ දී නැත. තවද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ විශ්වාසවන්තය; ඔබට දරාගත හැකි ප්‍රමාණයට වඩා ඔබ පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් වීමට උන් වහන්සේ ඉඩ නොදෙනු ඇත. නමුත් ඔබ පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් වන විට, ඔබට එයට ඔරොත්තු දී නැගී සිටිය හැකි වන පිණිස උන් වහන්සේ පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක්ද සලසනු ඇත” (1 කොරින්ති 10:13).

මාගේ මිතුරෙක් වෙනත් රටක සංචාරය කරමින් සිටියදී, සියලු ආකාරයේ ලිංගික ක්‍රියාකාරකම් සඳහා ප්‍රසිද්ධ නගරයක ප්‍රදේශයකට යාමට පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් විය. එය කෙබඳුදැයි බැලීමට ඔහුට අවශ්‍ය බව ඔහු කීවේය. ඔහු දුම්රියට නැගෙන විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මෙය කිරීමට ඔහුට අවශ්‍ය නැත්නම් පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක් සලසන ලෙස ඉල්ලා කෙටි යාච්ඤාවක් කළේය.

දුම්රිය ඔහුගේ ගමනාන්තයේ නැවතුණු විට, ඔහු වේදිකාවට පා තැබූ අතර, ඉක්මනින්ම ඔහු සමඟ එන ලෙස ඉල්ලා සිටි පිරිසකින් වට විය. ඔවුන්ගේ භාෂාව තේරුම් ගැනීමට ඔහුට අපහසු වුවද, ඔවුන් ක්‍රිස්තියානීන් විය යුතු බවත්, ඔවුන් ඔහුට තම පල්ලියට ආරාධනා කරන බවත් ඔහුට වැටහුණි. ඔහුගේ යාච්ඤාව සිහිපත් කර, ඔහු මුලින් සැලසුම් කළ තැනට යනවා වෙනුවට ඔවුන් සමඟ යාමට තීරණය කළේය. පුදුමයට කරුණ නම්, ඔහු ඔවුන්ගේ පල්ලියට පැමිණි විට, ඔවුන් ඔහුව බව්තීස්ම කළහ. ඔවුන් ඔහුට උණුසුම් තේ කෝප්පයක්ද, නැවත ගෙදර යාමට තවත් දුම්රිය ප්‍රවේශ පත්‍රයක්ද දුන්හ — එය ඔහු වහාම එම අරමුණටම භාවිතා කළේය!

ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම, මාගේ මිතුරා මුලින්ම පාපයට යාමට සිතූ විට දුම්රියට නොනැගී සිටියේ නම් වඩාත් පහසු වන්නට තිබුණි. නමුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ තවමත් ඔහුගේ යාච්ඤාවට පිළිතුරු දී තවත් පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක් සලසා දීම, පරීක්ෂාවෙන් අප පිටතට ගෙන යාමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ යන දුර පෙන්නුම් කරන නිදර්ශනයකි. 

අපගේ පරීක්ෂාවන් කෙතරම් සැබෑ හා වැදගත් වේද යන්න යේසුස් වහන්සේ දැන සිටියේය. එය කෙතරම් වැදගත්ද යත්, උන් වහන්සේ තම ගෝලයන්ට යාච්ඤා කිරීමට උගැන්වූ, දැන් අප ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේගේ යාච්ඤාව ලෙස හඳුන්වන ආදර්ශ යාච්ඤාවේ එය ඇතුළත් කළහ. එහි කොටසක් මෙසේ පවසයි: 

“අපව පරීක්ෂාවට නොපමුණුවා, දුෂ්ටයාගෙන් අපව මුදවා ගන්න” (මතෙව් 6:13).

පරීක්ෂාවට එරෙහි වීම කෙතරම් වැදගත්ද යත්, ප්‍රේරිත පාවුල් කොරින්ති නුවර ජීවත් වූ ජනතාවට මෙසේ ලිවුවේය: 

“ලිංගික දුරාචාරයෙන් පලා යන්න.” (1 කොරින්ති 6:18අ).

පරීක්ෂාවෙන් පලා යාම කෙතරම් වැදගත්ද යත්, ජෝසෙප්ට පරීක්ෂාව පැමිණි විට, ඔහු දිව අනෙක් පැත්තට ගියේය! පොතිෆර්ගේ බිරිඳ ඔහුව පොළඹවා ගැනීමට උත්සාහ කළ විට ජෝසෙප් කළ දේ බලන්න: 

“ඇය ඔහුගේ සළුවෙන් අල්ලාගෙන කීවාය, ‘මා සමඟ නිදාගන්න!’ නමුත් ඔහු තම සළුව ඇගේ අතේ තබා නිවසින් පිටතට දිව ගියේය.” (උත්පත්ති 39:12). 

පලා යාම නිසා ජෝසෙප් සිරගත කරන ලදී, නමුත් ඔහු සිටියේ නම් ගෙවිය යුතුව තිබූ මිලට සාපේක්ෂව සිරගෙය කිසිවක් නොවීය! අවසානයේ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ජෝසෙප්ගේ කීකරුකම ගෞරවයට පත් කර ඔහුව මුළු මිසරයටම දෙවන අණදෙන නිලධාරියා බවට පත් කළහ.

අප පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් වන විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ සැමවිටම පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක් සලසයි — එය හැරී දිවීම පමණක් වුවද — තවද අප සෑම විටම එය ගැනීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමතිය. 

ආත්ම දමනය ඉගෙනීම

පරීක්ෂාවට මුහුණ දීමට හොඳම ක්‍රමවලින් එකක් නම්, හැකිතාක් එහි මාර්ගයෙන් අප ඉවත් වීමයි. අපට සියලු පරීක්ෂාවන් තුරන් කළ නොහැකි වුවද, අප සිතනවාට වඩා ඒවා පිළිබඳ පාලනයක් අපට ඇත.

මාගේ පිරිසිදුකම පිළිබඳ මා දිරිගැන්වූ එම මිනිසා සමඟම වූ සංවාදයෙන් මා ඉගෙන ගත් තවත් දෙයක් ක්‍රියාවට නැංවූ විට මම මෙය මටම සොයාගතිමි. මම අන් අයට භෞතිකව සැලකූ ආකාරය ගැන කතා කිරීමෙන් පසු, සංවාදය මම මටම භෞතිකව සැලකූ ආකාරය දෙසට හැරුණි. මම තවමත් ස්වයං වින්දනයේ නියැලෙනවාද යැයි ඔහු මගෙන් ඇසුවේය, එය වෙනත් කෙනෙකු සමඟ ලිංගික සංසර්ගයේ නොයෙදී ඔබේ ලිංගික අවයව ඔර්ගැස්මයකට උත්තේජනය කරන ඔබවම ස්පර්ශ කිරීමේ ක්‍රමයකි. මම එසේ කරන බව කීවෙමි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ස්වයං වින්දනය ගැන කුමක් සිතන්නට ඇද්දැයි මම කල්පනා කර තිබුණද, එය නැවැත්වීමට මා ඒත්තු ගැන්වීමට තරම් සාක්ෂි බයිබලයේ සොයාගැනීමට මට කිසිදා නොහැකි විය.

ස්වයං වින්දනය ගැන ඇසීමට හේතුව ස්වයං වින්දනයේ ප්‍රශ්නය නිසාම නොව, ආත්ම දමනයේ ප්‍රශ්නය නිසා බව ඔහු මට කීවේය — මක්නිසාද ආත්ම දමනය විශේෂයෙන්ම බයිබලයේ සඳහන් වන නිසාය:

“ඔබ ශුද්ධ කරනු ලැබීම දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ කැමැත්තයි: ඔබ ලිංගික දුරාචාරයෙන් වැළකිය යුතුය; ඔබ එක් එක් අය දෙවියන් වහන්සේ නොදන්නා අන්‍යාගමිකයන් මෙන් ආවේගශීලී තණ්හාවෙන් නොව, ශුද්ධ හා ගෞරවනීය ආකාරයකින් තම ශරීරය පාලනය කිරීමට ඉගෙන ගත යුතුය” (1 තෙසලෝනික 4:3-5).

ස්වයං වින්දනය තනිකඩ අයට පමණක් නොව විවාහක අයටද ප්‍රශ්නයක් බව ඔහු සොයාගෙන ඇති බව ඔහු දිගටම කීවේය. මිනිසුන් විවාහ වීමට පෙර නිතිපතා ස්වයං වින්දනයේ නියැලුනේ නම්, ඔවුන් සාමාන්‍යයෙන් විවාහ වූ පසුවත් ස්වයං වින්දනයේ නියැලෙති. ස්වයං වින්දනය පිළිබඳ අරගලය ලිංගික නිදහස පිළිබඳ අරගලයක් නොව, ආත්ම දමනය පිළිබඳ අරගලයකි.

ඔවුන්ගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන් විවාහ වූ පසුවත් ස්වයං වින්දනයේ නියැලෙන බව දැනගතහොත් ඔවුන් සිතන්නේ කුමක්දැයි ඇසීමට ඔහු භාර්යාවන් කිහිප දෙනෙකු සම්මුඛ සාකච්ඡා කළ විට, එක ස්ත්‍රියක්වත් ඒ ගැන ධනාත්මක අදහසකින් පිළිතුරු නොදුන්නාය. පිළිතුරු, භාර්යාවන් ලෙස තමන් ලිංගිකව කුමක් වැරදියට කරමින් සිටින්නට ඇද්දැයි කල්පනා කිරීමේ සිට, ඔවුන්ගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන් මේ ආකාරයෙන් තමන්වම පාලනය කර ගැනීමට නොහැකි නම් ඔවුන් තවත් කුමක් කරමින් සිටින්නට ඇද්දැයි කල්පනා කිරීම දක්වා විහිදුණි.

ඉන්පසු ඔහු මට ආශ්වාදයක් වූ දෙයක් කීවේය: ඔහුත් — ඔහු දන්නා තවත් බොහෝ දෙනෙකුත් — ස්වයං වින්දනය සම්පූර්ණයෙන් අත්හැරීමට කැපවීමක් කර ඇති බව ඔහු මට කීවේය. ඔවුන් එක් එක් අයට එය තම ජීවිතවල ඇති කළ අතිමහත් වෙනස ගැන සාක්ෂි දිය හැක. ඔහු අභියෝගයක්, මම මාගේම ජීවිතයට ගෙන යොදාගන්නවාද නැද්ද යැයි තීරණය කිරීමට තිබූ අභියෝගයක් මා ඉදිරියේ තැබුවේය.

එය උත්සාහ කිරීම වටී යැයි මම තීරණය කළෙමි. එබැවින් අප විවාහ වීමට පෙරත්, ස්වයං වින්දනය සම්පූර්ණයෙන් අත්හැරීමට උත්සාහ කිරීමට මම මටත් ලානාටත් කැපවීමක් කළෙමි. තවද එම කැපවීමට මාවම වගකිව යුතු කිරීමේ ක්‍රමයක් ලෙස, මම කවදා හෝ ස්වයං වින්දනයට යටත් වුවහොත්, එම දිනයම අවසන් වීමට පෙර මම එය ඇයට පාපොච්චාරණය කරන බව මම ඇයට කීවෙමි. 

මෙම කරුණේදීත් මාගේ අධිෂ්ඨානයේ මම පරිපූර්ණ වී ඇතැයි කීමට මම කැමතියි, නමුත් මට එසේ කිය නොහැක! නමුත් මම යටත් වූ සෑම විටම දවස අවසන් වීමට පෙර ලානාට කීමට වූ මාගේ කැපවීම මම රැක ගත් බව මට කිව හැක. එම අපහසුතාවට පත් කරන පාපොච්චාරණය කිහිප වතාවක් කිරීමට සිදු වූ පසු, මාගේ අධිෂ්ඨානය සදහටම තහවුරු විය. මෙයින් අදහස් වන්නේ පරීක්ෂාව ඉවත් වී ඇති බව හෝ එම පරීක්ෂාවන්ට යටත් වීමට මම කැමති නොවන බව නොවේ, නමුත් ආත්ම දමනය සඳහා වූ මාගේ ආශාව යටත් වීමට වූ මාගේ ආශාව අභිබවා ගොස් ඇති බව එයින් අදහස් වේ.

හදවතේ රේඛාවක් ඇඳීම

එම එක් තීරණය වසර ගණනාවක් පුරා එක් ආකාරයකට වඩා වැඩි ආකාරවලින් මා පිරිසිදුව තබා ඇත.

වසර දහසයකට පසු මම නැවත මෙම මිනිසා හමු වූ විට, අප මුලින්ම කතා කළ අවස්ථාවේ මාගේ ඇසේ දිලිසුමක් පමණක්ව තිබූ මාගේ පවුලේ පින්තූරයක් මම ඔහුට පෙන්වූයෙමි. ඔහු මා සමඟ බෙදාගත් සත්‍යයේ කැට ගැන මම ඔහුට ස්තුති කර, ස්වයං වින්දනය නැවැත්වීමට වූ මාගේ තීරණය වෙනත් ආකාරවලින්ද මා පිරිසිදුව තබා ගත් ආකාරය ගැන ඔහුට කීවෙමි. 

ස්වයං වින්දනය පිළිබඳ පාලනය ලබා ගැනීම, වඩාත් බැරෑරුම් හා ශුද්ධ ලියවිල්ලේ පැහැදිලිව හෙළා දකින වෙනත් ලිංගික ක්‍රියාකාරකම්වලින් මා වළක්වා ඇත, එනම්:

• අනාචාරය, එනම් ඔබේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ නොවන කෙනෙකු සමඟ ලිංගිකව එක්වීම ඇතුළත් වන අතර, එය ප්‍රධාන දස පනතින් එකක් ලෙස ලැයිස්තුගත කර ඇත: “ඔබ අනාචාරයේ නොයෙදිය යුතුය” (නික්මයාම 20:14).
• වේශ්‍යාවෘත්තිය, එනම් ඔබ සමඟ ලිංගිකව එක්වීමට කෙනෙකුට ගෙවීම ඇතුළත් වේ: “ඔබේ ශරීර ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේගේම අවයව බව ඔබ නොදන්නෙහිද? එසේ නම් මම ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේගේ අවයව ගෙන ඒවා වේශ්‍යාවක් සමඟ එක් කරන්නෙමිද? කිසිසේත්ම නැත! වේශ්‍යාවක් සමඟ එක්වන අය ඇය සමඟ ශරීරයෙන් එක් වන බව ඔබ නොදන්නෙහිද? මක්නිසාද, ‘ඔවුන් දෙදෙනා එක් මාංශයක් වනු ඇත’ යැයි කියා ඇත” (1 කොරින්ති 6:15-16).
• සහ අශ්ලීල දර්ශන, එනම් ඔබව ලිංගිකව අවුලුවීමට නිර්මාණය කර ඇති පොත්, සඟරා, පින්තූර, පට, හෝ චිත්‍රපට වැනි දේ බැලීම ඇතුළත් වේ. යේසුස් වහන්සේ මෙසේ කීවේය: “‘අනාචාරයේ නොයෙදෙන්න’ යැයි කියා ඇති බව ඔබ අසා ඇත. නමුත් මම ඔබට කියමි, තණ්හාවෙන් ස්ත්‍රියක් දෙස බලන ඕනෑම කෙනෙක් තම හදවතේ දැනටමත් ඇය සමඟ අනාචාරයේ නියැලී ඇත” (මතෙව් 5:27-29).

මිනිසුන් බොහෝ විට අසන ප්‍රශ්නයක් නම්, “මට කොපමණ දුර යා හැකිද?” එනම්, “දෙවියන් වහන්සේ එය පාපයක් ලෙස සලකන්නට පෙර මට කෙනෙකු සමඟ භෞතිකව කොපමණ දුර යා හැකිද?” එය පොදු ප්‍රශ්නයකි, නමුත් එය වැරදි ප්‍රශ්නය බව මම සිතමි. යේසුස් වහන්සේ අනාචාරය ගැන කී උපුටනයේදී, පාපය සිදු වන්නේ අප භෞතික සීමාවක් පසුකරන විට පමණක් නොව, අප අපගේ හදවතේ සීමාවක් පසුකරන විට බව හෙළිදරව් කරයි. රේඛාව අඳින හොඳම ස්ථානය මාංශය නොව හදවතයි, මක්නිසාද වරක් හදවතේ රේඛාවක් පසුකළ පසු, එය මාංශයේ පසුකිරීම ඊට වඩා පහසුය. අපගේ හදවතේ මෙම වැරදි ආශාවන් අපව වැරදි ක්‍රියාවලට ගෙන යා හැකි, එය විනාශයට

 ගෙන යා හැකි ආකාරය බයිබලය පැහැදිලි කරයි:

“පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් වන විට, කිසිවෙක් ‘දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මා පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් කරයි’ යැයි නොකිය යුතුය. මක්නිසාද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ නපුරෙන් පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් කළ නොහැක, උන් වහන්සේ කිසිවෙකු පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් නොකරයි; නමුත් එක් එක් අය තම නපුරු ආශාවෙන් ඇද ගෙන පොළඹවනු ලබන විට පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් වේ. ඉන්පසු, ආශාව පිළිසිඳ ගත් පසු, එය පාපයට ජන්ම දෙයි; තවද පාපය, එය සම්පූර්ණයෙන් වැඩුණු පසු, මරණයට ජන්ම දෙයි” (ජේම්ස් 1:13-15).

ලිංගික අරගලවලින් මිදීමට මිනිසුන්ට උපකාර කරන ක්‍රොස් මිනිස්ට්‍රි හි විධායක අධ්‍යක්ෂ ටිම් විල්කින්ස්, පරීක්ෂාවට මුහුණ දීම සඳහා මෙම ප්‍රයෝජනවත් කතාව කියයි:

ධනවත්, කුලීන ස්ත්‍රියක් තම රෝල්ස් රොයිස් රථය පැදවීමට විය හැකි රියදුරන්ගේ ජීව දත්ත සමාලෝචනය කරයි. ඇය අයදුම්කරුවන් පිරිමින් තිදෙනෙකු දක්වා අඩු කර ඔවුන්ව තම මාලිගාව වැනි නිවසට ආරාධනා කරයි.

ඇය එක් එක් අය තනිතනිව තම රථගාලට හා ඒ අසල ගඩොල් තාප්පයට රැගෙන යයි.

ඇය අසයි, “ඔබ මාගේ රෝල්ස් රථය පදවනවා නම්, මාගේ රථය සීරීමකින් තොරව එම ගඩොල් තාප්පයට කොපමණ ළං විය හැකි යැයි ඔබ සිතනවාද?”

පළමු අයදුම්කරු කියයි, “මට එම තාප්පයට අඩියක් ඇතුළත රථය පදවා ඔබේ රෝල්ස් රථයට හානියක් නොකර සිටිය හැක.”

ඇය දෙවන අයදුම්කරු කැඳවා අසයි, “ඔබ මාගේ රෝල්ස් රථය පදවනවා නම්, මාගේ රථය සීරීමකින් තොරව එම ගඩොල් තාප්පයට කොපමණ ළං විය හැකි යැයි ඔබ සිතනවාද?”

ඔහු තම හිස සීරමින් කියයි, “මට එම තාප්පයට අඟල් හයක් ඇතුළත රථය පදවා ඔබේ රථයට හානියක් නොකර සිටිය හැක.”

ඇය තෙවන අයදුම්කරු ආරාධනා කර අසයි, “ඔබ මාගේ රෝල්ස් රථය පදවනවා නම්, මාගේ රථය සීරීමකින් තොරව එම ගඩොල් තාප්පයට කොපමණ ළං විය හැකි යැයි ඔබ සිතනවාද?”

ඔහු පැකිලීමකින් තොරව කියයි, “මැඩම්, ඔබේ රථයට හානියක් නොකර මට තාප්පයට කොපමණ ළං විය හැකිදැයි මම නොදනිමි, නමුත් මම ඔබේ රථය පදවනවා නම්, ඔබේ රථයට හානියක් නොවන පිණිස තාප්පයෙන් හැකිතාක් දුරින් සිටිමි.”

රැකියාව ලැබුණේ කාටදැයි අනුමාන කරන්න?

ටිම් තවත් කියයි, “ලිංගික පරීක්ෂාවට මුහුණ දෙන විට, කරුණ නම් ‘සීරීමකට’ ලක් නොවී පරීක්ෂාවට කොපමණ ළං විය හැකිද යන්න නොව, හැකිතාක් දුරින් සිටීමයි. ‘ඇයගෙන් දුරින් මාර්ගයක් ගමන් කරන්න, ඇගේ නිවසේ දොරටුවට ළං නොවන්න…’ (හිතෝපදේශ 5:8).”

මට නම්, බොහෝ පසුපසින් ස්වයං වින්දනයේදී වැලි මත රේඛාවක් ඇඳීමෙන්, මාර්ගයේ ඉදිරියෙන් ඇති, මාගේ ජීවිතය හා විවාහය සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආශාවන්ට — සහ මාගේ ආශාවන්ට — වඩාත් විනාශකාරී විය හැකි ක්‍රියාකාරකම්වලට ඇදී යාමෙන් වැළකී සිටීමට මට හැකි වී ඇත. පරීක්ෂාකාරී සිතුවිල්ලක් මොහොතකට වඩා වැඩි කාලයක් රඳවා ගැනීමට අවශ්‍ය නැති බව දැනගැනීමෙන්, එය “පමණක්” ස්වයං වින්දනය හරහා වුවද, එම සිතුවිල්ල අනුව මම ක්‍රියා නොකරන බව දැනගැනීමෙන්, මාගේ සිතුවිලි පාලනයේ තබා ගැනීමට එය මට උපකාර කර ඇත.

මාගේ පිරිසිදුකම පිළිබඳ මා දිරිගැන්වූ මිනිසා කීවේ, විශේෂයෙන් වෙනත් ලිංගික පරීක්ෂාවන් සමඟ අරගල කරන්නේ නම්, මිනිසුන් ස්වයං වින්දනය අත්හැරීම දිගටම නිර්දේශ කරන බවයි, හේතු දෙකක් නිසා: 1) මක්නිසාද එය තම ශරීරය පිළිබඳ පාලනය ලබා ගැනීමේ හැකියාව පිළිබඳ පුද්ගලයෙකුගේ විශ්වාසය ගොඩනඟන නිසා, සහ 2) මක්නිසාද ඔවුන් මෙම අරගලයේදී ඉඳහිට අසමත් වුවද, ප්‍රතිඵල වඩාත් බැරෑරුම් පරීක්ෂාවන්ට වැටුණහොත් තරම් විනාශකාරී නොවන නිසාය.

අපගේ ශරීර පාලනය කිරීම හා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ වචනය මත පදනම් වූ මෙම එක් සත්‍යයේ කැටය, මාව, මාගේ බිරිඳව හා මාගේ පවුලව ජීවිත කාලයක ශෝකයෙන් බේරාගෙන ඇත. මම බයිබලයට මෙතරම් ආදරය කරන එකෙහි පුදුමයක් නැත! 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දේ කල්පනා කිරීමේ අනුමානය බයිබලය ඉවත් කරයි. ඊළඟ පරිච්ඡේදයේ, ’වැඩිහිටියෙකු ලෙස ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන බයිබලයේ මා කියවූ පළමු දේ මම බෙදාගන්නෙමි, එය මාගේ ජීවිතයේ වඩාත්ම වැදගත් හැරවුම් ලක්ෂ්‍යවලින් එකක් බවට පත් විය.

සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න

1. අප පව් කිරීමට යොමු කිරීමට සාතන්ගේ වඩාත්ම ඵලදායී උපාය මාර්ගවලින් එකක් කුමක්ද? (උත්පත්ති 3:1)

2. ලිංගිකව උත්තේජනය කරන ක්‍රියාවක් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ අරමුණු සමඟ ගැළපේද නැද්ද යන්න තීරණය කිරීමට උපකාර වන ප්‍රශ්න දෙකක් ඔබට ඔබෙන්ම ඇසිය හැක්කේ මොනවාද?

3. ඔබ පව් කිරීමට පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් වන විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබ වෙනුවෙන් සැමවිටම කරන බව පවසන දේ කුමක්ද? (1 කොරින්ති 10:13)

4. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප පාලනය කිරීමට ඉගෙන ගැනීමට කැමති දේ කුමක්ද? (1 තෙසලෝනික 4:3-5)

සිව්වන පරිච්ඡේදය

නැවත පිරිසිදු වීම

“අප අපගේ පාප පාපොච්චාරණය කරන්නේ නම්, උන් වහන්සේ විශ්වාසවන්ත හා ධර්මිෂ්ඨ බැවින් අපගේ පාපවලට සමාව දී සියලු අධර්මිෂ්ඨකමින් අප පිරිසිදු කරනු ඇත.”
1 යොහන් 1:8-9

ඔබේ පිරිසිදුකම දෙවියන් වහන්සේට කෙතරම් වැදගත්ද යත්, ඔබ වරදක් කළත් — නැවත පිරිසිදු වීමට උන් වහන්සේ ඔබට මාර්ගයක් සලසා දී ඇත. තවද අපගේ ජීවිතයේ යම් අවස්ථාවක, අප සියල්ලෝම වරද කරමු! 

අප පව් කරන විට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පුදුම නොවෙති. ආදම් හා ඒව්ගේ සිට ඔබ හා මා දක්වා, අප කිසිවෙකුට පරිපූර්ණ සදාචාර වාර්තා පත්‍රයක් නැත. අප පව් කරන විට, අප බොහෝ දෙනා ආදම් හා ඒව්ට දැනුණු දේ දැනෙයි:

“එම මොහොතේ, ඔවුන්ගේ ඇස් විවෘත වූ අතර, ඔවුන් තම නිරුවත ගැන හදිසියේ ලැජ්ජාවක් දැනුණි. එබැවින් ඔවුන් තමන් ආවරණය කර ගැනීමට තම උකුල් වටා අත්තික්කා කොළ එකට ගැට ගැසූහ.

“සවස් වන විට ඔවුන් ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ වන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ උයනේ ඇවිදිනු ඇසුණහ, එබැවින් ඔවුන් ගස් අතර සැඟවුණහ. ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ වන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ආදම්ට කතා කර, ‘ඔබ කොහෙද?’ යැයි ඇසූහ.

“ඔහු පිළිතුරු දුන්නේය, ‘මම ඔබ අසා, සැඟවුණෙමි. මම නිරුවත් වූ නිසා බය වුණෙමි’” (උත්පත්ති 3:7-10, NLT).

අප පව් කරන විට, අප නිරුවත් හා ලැජ්ජිත බවක් දැනෙයි, අපගේ නිරුවත ආවරණය කිරීමට උත්සාහ කර, ඉන්පසු දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් පලා යමු. නමුත් අප වඩාත්ම දෙවියන් වහන්සේ වෙත නැවත දිවිය යුතු වන්නේ එවිටය. උන් වහන්සේ අප නැවත පිරිසිදුකමට ප්‍රතිෂ්ඨාපනය කිරීමට කැමතිය. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ආදම් හා ඒව්ට කෙතරම් ආදරය කළාද යත්, ඔවුන් තනිව අත්හැරීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමති නොවීය. උන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන් සොයා ගියහ, උන් වහන්සේගේ මහත් ආදරය නිසා උන් වහන්සේ අප සොයා යන පරිදිම.

“නමුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප කෙරෙහි වූ තම ආදරය මෙසේ පෙන්නුම් කරයි: අප තවමත් පව්කාරයන්ව සිටියදී, ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේ අප වෙනුවෙන් මිය ගියහ” (රෝම 5:8).

ඔබ ඔබේ පාපය ගැන නිරුවත් හා ලැජ්ජිත බවක් දැනෙනවා නම්, ඔබට පලා යාමට අවශ්‍ය නැත. හැරී බලන්න පමණයි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබ පසුපස දිව එමින් සිටි බවත්, ඔබව නැවත ගෙන නැවත පිරිසිදු කිරීමට උනන්දුවෙන් සිටින බවත් ඔබ දකිනු ඇත. 

හැකි හොඳම ලිංගික ජීවිතයක් ගත කරන්නේ කෙසේද යන්න අපට පෙන්වන එම බයිබලයම, දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ හොඳම දෙයට අඩු වන විට සමාව ලබන්නේ කෙසේද යන්නද අපට පෙන්වන එම බයිබලයමය.

පාපයට වැටීම

මම විද්‍යාලයෙන් පිටව මම විසින්ම බයිබලය කියවීමට පටන් ගත් වසරින් පසුව තෙක්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දෙයින් මම කෙතරම් දුරට ඈත් වී ඇත්දැයි මම තේරුම් නොගතිමි. මම වැඩිපුර කියවන තරමට, මම ලිංගිකව කර තිබූ දේවල් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ඇස්වල වැරදි බවත් — මම ඒවා දිගටම කළහොත් මාගේ ජීවිතය විනාශ කළ හැකි බවත් — මම වඩ වඩාත් තේරුම් ගතිමි. මම ගත් නරක තීරණ හා මම කළ පාප, ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම මාගේම මරණයට හේතු විය හැකි බව මම දැකීමට පටන් ගතිමි. මම ඇත්තෙන්ම මිය ගියහොත්, මම සරලවම මාගේම පව්කම්වල ප්‍රතිඵල, වැටුප් —නැතහොත් මාගේ පාපය සඳහා මා උපයාගත් දේ නෙළා ගන්නා බව මට පැහැදිලි කළ බයිබලයේ පදයකින් මම විශේෂයෙන් සසැල්වුණෙමි:

“මක්නිසාද පාපයේ වැටුප මරණයයි, නමුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ තෑග්ග අපගේ ස්වාමීන් වන ක්‍රිස්තුස් යේසුස් වහන්සේ තුළ සදාකාල ජීවනයයි” (රෝම 6:23).

මෙම වචන විශේෂයෙන්ම මාගේ ජීවිතයට අදාළ බව මම දුටු විට, හූස්ටන් නගරය මධ්‍යයෙන් ගලා ගිය ඇළ මාර්ගයක් දිගේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේ සමඟ දිගු ඇවිදීමකට යාමට මම තීරණය කළෙමි.

මම ඇවිදින විට, මම ලිංගිකව කර තිබූ සමහර දේවල් දැනටමත් මට ආසාදනය වන්නට ඇති ලිංගික රෝග හරහා මාගේ ශරීරයට නිවැරදි කළ නොහැකි හානියක් කර ඇද්දැයි මම කල්පනා කළෙමි. මම කලින් ඒ ගැන එතරම් නොසිතුවෙමි, නමුත් පාපයේ ස්වාභාවික ප්‍රතිඵල ගැන බයිබලය පැවසූ දේ කියවීමෙන් පසු, මම වපුරූ දේ අවසානයේ මම නෙළා ගැනීම බෙහෙවින් ඉඩ ඇති බව මම දැන ගතිමි. 

ඒ අතරම, දෙවියන් වහන්සේට ඇත්තෙන්ම ලෝකය සඳහා, සහ වඩාත් නිශ්චිතව, මාගේ ජීවිතය සඳහාද, සැලැස්මක් ඇති බව මම දැකීමට පටන් ගතිමි. මාගේ පාප මාව පහත් කරනවා පමණක් නොව, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මාගේ ජීවිතය සඳහා තිබූ සැලසුම්ද පහත් කරන බව මම තේරුම් ගතිමි. මම සිටි මාර්ගයට වඩා හොඳ මාර්ගයක් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මා වෙනුවෙන් සිතා සිටි බව මට දැකිය හැකි විය, තවද එයට යන්නේ කෙසේද යන්න සොයාගැනීමට මම ඕනෑම දෙයකට වඩා කැමති වීමි. 

නමුත් කෙසේද? මම දැනටමත් කර තිබූ දේ අවලංගු කරන්නේ කෙසේද? මාගේ වැරදි සිතුවිලි, හැඟීම් හා ආශාවන් වෙනස් කරන්නේ කෙසේද? මාව විනාශ කිරීමට තවමත් තර්ජනය කරමින් තිබූ මා වැටී තිබූ පුරුදු වෙනස් කරන්නේ කෙසේද?

මාගේ ප්‍රශ්නවලට පිළිතුරක් මෙන්, මම බයිබලයේ තවත් කතාවකට මුණ ගැසුණෙමි — සුවය ලැබීමට යේසුස් වහන්සේ වෙත පැමිණි අන්ධ මිනිසුන් දෙදෙනෙකුගේ කතාව. මම ඇළ මාර්ගය දිගේ ඇවිදින විට මාගේ බයිබලය රැගෙන ගිය අතර, මතෙව් පොතෙන් කියවීමින් සිටියෙමි. අන්ධ මිනිසුන්ගේ ආයාචනවලට යේසුස් වහන්සේ දුන් පිළිතුරේ වචනවලින් මම කුතුහලයට පත් වුණෙමි. ඔවුන් යේසුස් වහන්සේට කෑ ගැසූහ: 

“දාවිත්ගේ පුත්‍රයාණනි, අප කෙරෙහි දයාව පාන්න!” (මතෙව් 9:27ආ). 

බයිබලයේ වෙනත් ස්ථානවල, යේසුස් වහන්සේ මිනිසුන්ට සුවය දුන්නේ නැමී මඩ ගුලියක් සාදා ඔවුන්ගේ ඇස්වල තැබීමෙන්, හෝ යම් ජල පොකුණකට ගිලෙන ලෙස පැවසීමෙන්ය. නමුත් මොවුන් දෙදෙනා සමඟ නොවේ. යේසුස් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ගෙන් ප්‍රශ්නයක් ඇසූහ:

“මට මෙය කළ හැකි බව ඔබ විශ්වාස කරන්නෙහිද?” (මතෙව් 9:28ආ).

ඔවුන්ගේ පිළිතුර මත පදනම්ව, යේසුස් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට සුවය දෙනු ඇත, නැතහොත් නොදෙනු ඇත. 

අන්ධ මිනිසුන් තම ඇස්වලට සුවය දෙන ලෙස උන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඇසූ පරිදිම, මාගේ වැරදි ලිංගික ආශාවන් හා ක්‍රියාවලින් යේසුස් වහන්සේ මට සුවය දෙනු දැකීමට මම කැමති වීමි. උන් වහන්සේ මගෙන් එම ප්‍රශ්නයම අසන බවක් මට දැනුණි: “එරික්, මට මෙයද කළ හැකි බව ඔබ විශ්වාස කරන්නෙහිද?” යේසුස් වහන්සේ ගැන මා කවදත් ඉගෙන ගත් සියල්ල මම සිහිපත් කළෙමි: උන් වහන්සේ රෝගීන්ට සුවය දුන් ආකාරය, ජලය මත ඇවිද්ද ආකාරය, මළවුන් නැගිටෙවූ ආකාරය. කවුරුන් හෝ එය කළ හැකි නම්, යේසුස් වහන්සේට කළ හැකි බව මම දැන සිටියෙමි.

මම මාර්ගය දිගේ නැවතී මාගේ අත ඉහළට වාතයට එසෙව්වෙමි. අන්ධ මිනිසුන් මෙන්ම, මම පිළිතුරු දුන්නෙමි, “ඔව්, ස්වාමීනි.” තවද අන්ධ මිනිසුන් මෙන්ම, යේසුස් වහන්සේ මට සුවය දුන්හ: 

“ඉන්පසු උන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ගේ ඇස් ස්පර්ශ කර, ‘ඔබේ විශ්වාසය අනුව එය ඔබට සිදු වේවා’ යැයි කීහ, තවද ඔවුන්ගේ පෙනීම ප්‍රතිෂ්ඨාපනය විය” (මතෙව් 9:29-30අ).

එම මොහොතේ මට සුවය ලැබී ඇති බව මම දැන ගතිමි. එය මම අන්ධව සිට දැන් දැකිය හැකි වූවා සේ පැහැදිලි විය. පසුදින මම මාගේ ජීවිතයේ සියල්ල සඳහා ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාසය තැබුවෙමි, මාගේ පාපවලට සමාව දෙන ලෙස උන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඉල්ලා, උන් වහන්සේගෙන් සදාකාල ජීවනයේ තෑග්ග ලබා ගතිමි. මෙය කිරීම මාගේ ඉතිරි ජීවිතය සඳහා හැරවුම් ලක්ෂ්‍යය බවට පත් විය. 

දාවිත්ගේ හැරවුම් ලක්ෂ්‍යය

ඔබ කවදා හෝ පව් කර ඇත්නම්, ඔබ හොඳ සමාගමක සිටී — නැතහොත් අඩුම තරමින් විශාල සමාගමක. අප සියල්ලෝම මෙම පොදු ලක්ෂණය බෙදා ගනිමු. 

බයිබලය මෙසේ පවසයි, “…මක්නිසාද සියල්ලෝම පව් කර දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ තේජසට අඩු වී ඇත” (රෝම 3:23), තවද “අප සියල්ලෝම, බැටළුවන් මෙන්, මංමුලා වී ඇත, අප එක් එක් අය තම තමන්ගේ මාර්ගයට හැරී ඇත…” (යෙසායා 53:6අ). 

පාපය — කවර ආකාරයේ වුවත් — දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප වෙනුවෙන් ඇති බහුල ජීවිතය කෙටි පරිපථ කිරීමට සමහරවිට වෙනත් ඕනෑම දෙයකට වඩා වැඩිය කරයි. ලිංගික පාපය විශේෂයෙන්ම විනාශකාරී බව පෙනේ. ඇයි? බයිබලය මෙසේ පවසයි,

“ලිංගික දුරාචාරයෙන් පලා යන්න. මිනිසෙක් කරන අන් සියලු පාප ඔහුගේ ශරීරයෙන් පිටත වේ, නමුත් ලිංගිකව පව් කරන්නා තම ශරීරයට එරෙහිව පව් කරයි” (1 කොරින්ති 6:18).

නමුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපට කෙටි පරිපථයක් ජය ගෙන නැවත පූර්ණ බලයට ගෙන ඒමට මාර්ගයක් දී ඇත: පාපොච්චාරණය හරහා.

පාපොච්චාරණය කිරීම යනු “එකඟ වීම,” අප කර ඇති දේ වැරදි බව හඳුනාගෙන එය නැවත නිවැරදි කිරීමේ ආශාවක් ඇතිව හඳුනාගැනීමයි. දාවිත් බත්ෂෙබා සමඟ කළ පාපය අවසානයේ ඔහුව අල්ලා ගත් විට දෙවියන් වහන්සේට ප්‍රකාශ කළේ පාපොච්චාරණයයි.

දාවිත් සර්වකාලීන ශ්‍රේෂ්ඨතම රජවරුන්ගෙන් එක් අයෙකු බව ඔබට මතක ඇති, නමුත් ඔහු වෙනත් මිනිසෙකු සමඟ විවාහ වී සිටි ස්ත්‍රියක් වූ බත්ෂෙබා සමඟ ලිංගික පාපයට වැටුණි. දාවිත් තම මාලිගාවෙන් පිටත බලා ඇය තම වහලය මත නිරුවතින් නාන අයුරු දුටු විට, ඔහු ඇයට ආශා කළේය. ඔහු ඇයට තමා වෙත එන ලෙස ඉල්ලා තම ජීවිතයේ පහත්ම ස්ථානවලින් එකකට වැටුණි. ඔහු මිය යන දිනය තෙක් එම ස්ථානයේම රැඳී සිටින්නට තිබුණි, එහෙත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ, දාවිත්ගේ උපදේශකයන්ගෙන් එක් අයෙකු හරහා, දාවිත්ට ඔහුගේ පාපය ගැන අභියෝග කළහ. දාවිත් තමා කර ඇති දේ තේරුම් ගත් විට, ඔහු දෙවියන් වහන්සේට පාපොච්චාරණයෙන් තම හදවත වත් කළේය.

දාවිත්ගේ වචන ගීතාවලිය 51 හි සටහන් වී ඇත: 

“දෙවියනි, ඔබගේ අප්‍රමාණ ආදරය අනුව මට දයාව පාන්න; ඔබගේ මහත් කරුණාව අනුව මාගේ අපරාධ මකා දමන්න. මාගේ සියලු අධර්මිෂ්ඨකම සෝදා හරින්න, මාගේ පාපයෙන් මා පිරිසිදු කරන්න. මක්නිසාද මාගේ අපරාධ මම දනිමි, මාගේ පාපය සැමවිටම මා ඉදිරියේ ඇත. … හිසොප්වලින් මා පිරිසිදු කරන්න, එවිට මම පිරිසිදු වන්නෙමි; මා සෝදන්න, එවිට මම හිමට වඩා සුදු වන්නෙමි. … දෙවියනි, මා තුළ පිරිසිදු හදවතක් මවන්න, මා තුළ ස්ථිර ආත්මයක් අලුත් කරන්න” (ගීතාවලිය 51:1-3, 7, 10).

දාවිත් හා බත්ෂෙබා, සහ ඔවුන් වටා සිටි අය, තම පාපය සඳහා මිලක් ගෙව්වා. බත්ෂෙබාගේ ’ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා, දාවිත් සැඟවීමේ උත්සාහයේදී ඔහුව මරවා දැමූ විට මිය ගියේය. ඉන්පසු දාවිත් හා බත්ෂෙබාට උපන් පුත්‍රයා උපතින් ටික කලකට පසු මිය ගියේය. සියල්ලටම ඉහළින්, ඔවුන්ගේ පාපය අප සැමට දැකීමට සදහටම බයිබලයේ සටහන් විය. 

නමුත් සියල්ල නැති වී නොගියේය. දාවිත් තම පාපය පාපොච්චාරණය කර දෙවියන් වහන්සේ වෙත හැරුණු නිසා, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දාවිත් ඉල්ලූ දේ ඔහු වෙනුවෙන් කළහ: දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔහුව පිරිසිදු කර, සෝදා, හිමට වඩා සුදු කළහ. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔහුට නැවත පිරිසිදු හදවතක් දී ඔහුගේ ආත්මය අලුත් කළහ. දාවිත් බත්ෂෙබා විවාහ කර ගත් අතර ඔවුන් තවත් පුත්‍රයෙකු පිළිසිඳ ගත්හ. එම පුත්‍රයා වූ සලමොන්, මුළු ඉතිහාසයේම ධනවත්ම හා ප්‍රඥාවන්තම රජවරුන්ගෙන් එක් අයෙකු බවට පත් විය. දාවිත්ගේ ජීවිතයේ හැරවුම් ලක්ෂ්‍යය රඳා පැවතුනේ දාවිත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේට කළ පාපොච්චාරණය හා දේවල් නැවත නිවැරදි කිරීමට ඔහු කළ ආයාචනය මතය.

එය අපගේ අනාගතයේ ප්‍රතිඵලයද තීරණය කළ හැකි එම හැරවුම් ලක්ෂ්‍යයමය.

පාපොච්චාරණයේ බලය

යුවළකට දරුවෙකු ලැබීමට හැකි වන ලෙස යාච්ඤා කිරීමට මම එක් රාත්‍රියක ඔවුන් සමඟ හමු වුණෙමි. ඔවුන් වසර ගණනාවක් තිස්සේ එකෙකු කැමති වූ නමුත් පිළිසිඳ ගැනීමට නොහැකි විය. වෛද්‍යවරයා අවසානයේ භාර්යාව වඳ යැයි ප්‍රකාශ කර තිබුණි, එනම් ඇයට කිසිදා දරුවන් ලැබීමට නොහැකි වන බවයි.

මම ඔවුන් සමඟ යාච්ඤා කිරීමට පෙර, ඔවුන් මුහුණ දෙමින් සිටින දේ සහ දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන් වෙනුවෙන් කිරීමට කැමති දේ ගැන තව ටිකක් මට කියන ලෙස මම ඔවුන්ගෙන් ඉල්ලා සිටියෙමි. වඳභාවයට වඩා ඔවුන්ගේ කතාවේ තවත් දේ ඇති බව පෙනී ගියේය. ඔවුන් විවාහ වී ටික කලකට පසු, ඔවුන්ට ලිංගිකව සම්ප්‍රේෂණය වන රෝගයක්, නැතහොත් STD එකක් ඇති බව ඔවුන් සොයාගත්හ. STD සාමාන්‍යයෙන් පුද්ගලයාගෙන් පුද්ගලයාට සම්ප්‍රේෂණය වන්නේ ලිංගික ස්පර්ශයෙන් පමණි. මෙම විශේෂ STD එක භයානක ලෙස වේදනාකාරී විය — ඔවුන් ආදරය කරන සෑම විටම, එය නැවත උග්‍ර වී ඔවුන්ගෙන් එක් අයෙකුට හෝ අනෙකාට ඔවුන්ගේ ලිංගික අවයවවල වේදනාවක් ඇති කරයි.

ඔවුන් STD එක ලබා ගත්තේ කෙසේද, හෝ එය සම්බන්ධතාවට ගෙන ආවේ කවුරුන්ද යන්න ඔවුන් නොදැන සිටියහ, මක්නිසාද ඔවුන් එක් එක් අය විවාහ වීමට පෙර වෙනත් අය සමඟ ලිංගිකව ක්‍රියාශීලීව සිටි නිසාය. නමුත් එහි ප්‍රතිඵලය වූයේ එය ඔවුන් දෙදෙනාම, තවමත් ඉවත් වී නොගිය යටින් පවතින වේදනාවකට හා අමනාපයකට ගෙන ගිය බවයි. 

ඔවුන්ගේ සරුභාවය සඳහා යාච්ඤා කිරීමට පෙර, ඔවුන්ගේ අතීත ක්‍රියා සහ ඔවුන්ගේ පාපයෙන් ඇති වූ ඔවුන්ගේ වර්තමාන වේදනා එකිනෙකාට පාපොච්චාරණය කිරීමේ හා යාච්ඤා කිරීමේ කාලයකට මම ඔවුන්ව යොමු කළෙමි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ගේ හදවත්වල කළ සුවය වහාම ඔවුන්ගේ මුහුණුවල දිස්විය, ඔවුන් සමාව හා එකිනෙකා පිළිබඳ නව අගැයීමකින් බැබළුණහ. අප ඔවුන්ගේ සරුභාවය සඳහා යාච්ඤා කිරීමට එළඹෙන විට, ඔවුන්ගේ ශරීරද සුව කරන ලෙස දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් සරලවම ඉල්ලා සිටීම හැර කිරීමට වැඩිය ඉතිරිව තිබුණේ නැත. 

ඊළඟ මාස කිහිපය තුළ, එම යාච්ඤා ඔවුන්ගේ විවාහයේ, ඔවුන්ගේ ලිංගික ජීවිතය ඇතුළුව, ඇති කළ අතිමහත් වෙනස ගැන කීමට ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා මට කිහිප වතාවක් කතා කළේය. වසරකට ටිකක් වැඩි කාලයකට පසු, මෙම “වඳ” යුවළ දරුවෙකු බිහි කළහ — ඔවුන්ගේ අලුත් වූ සමීපත්වයේ ඵලය. ඔවුන් තවමත් තම ශරීරවල තම පෙර පාපයෙන් වූ රෝගය රැගෙන ගියද, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ එම තත්ත්වය මඟහැර ඔවුන්ගේ ජීවිත සඳහා — සහ ඔවුන්ගේ දරුවාගේ ජීවිතය සඳහා — තම සැලැස්ම දිගටම කරගෙන යාමට මාර්ගයක් සොයාගත්හ.

අපගේ පාපොච්චාරණ යාච්ඤා බලවත්ය. ඒවාට සැබෑ හා ප්‍රායෝගික බලපෑමක් ඇත. නමුත් ඒවා  අපට අවශ්‍ය ඕනෑම දෙයක් ලබා ගැනීමට උපකාර කරන “මන්තර සූත්‍රයක්” නොවේ. ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම, මා ඉහත සඳහන් කළ යුවළ තම පළමු දරුවා උපතින් පසු තවත් දරුවන් කැමති වූ නමුත්, ඔවුන්ට නැවත පිළිසිඳ ගැනීමට නොහැකි විය. අපගේ යාච්ඤාවලට පිළිතුරු ලැබෙන්නේ කෙසේද යන්නට දායක විය හැකි බොහෝ සාධක ඇත, එබැවින් ප්‍රතිඵලය කුමක් වුවත් ප්‍රඥාව සඳහා නිරන්තර යාච්ඤාව හා දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි නිරන්තර විශ්වාසය වැදගත් වන්නේ එබැවිනි. නමුත් පාපොච්චාරණය, දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ අපගේ ජීවිත සඳහා වූ සැලසුම් සමඟ ඉදිරියට යාමට අපට අවශ්‍ය සුවය අපට ගෙන දිය හැකි  දේවලින් එකක් විය හැක. බයිබලය මෙසේ පවසයි,

“එබැවින් ඔබ සුව වන පිණිස එකිනෙකාට තම පාප පාපොච්චාරණය කර එකිනෙකා වෙනුවෙන් යාච්ඤා කරන්න. ධර්මිෂ්ඨ මිනිසෙකුගේ යාච්ඤාව බලවත් හා ඵලදායීය” (ජේම්ස් 5:16).

තම ලිංගික ජීවිතවල මංමුලාවකට පත්ව සිටි වෙනත් අය සමඟ මම කතා කරන විට මෙම රටාවම නැවත නැවත සිදු වනු මම දැක ඇත. ඔවුන් අවසානයේ තම පාප, පළමුව දෙවියන් වහන්සේට, ඉන්පසු තම කලත්‍රයාට පාපොච්චාරණය කරන විට බොහෝ විට ජයග්‍රහණයක් දකිති. 

වසර ගණනාවක් තිස්සේ අශ්ලීල දර්ශන හා නීතිවිරෝධී කතාබහ කාමරවලින් අරගල කළ මිනිසෙක් තම පාපය මට පාපොච්චාරණය කළේය. ඔහු කර ඇති දේ සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ සමාව සොයමින්, අප එය එකට යාච්ඤාවෙන් විසඳුවෙමු. ඔහුගේ පාපය ඔවුන්ගේ ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතාවටද බලපා තිබූ නිසා, එය තම බිරිඳට පාපොච්චාරණය කරන ලෙස මම ඔහුව දිරිගැන්වූයෙමි. ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා එය ඇයට පාපොච්චාරණය කිරීමට බියෙන් සිටියද, ඔහු එය කළේය. ඇය ඔහුට සමාව දුන් විට, ඔහු අවසානයේ නිදහස් විය, ඔහුව අල්ලාගෙන සිටි අශ්ලීල දර්ශනවලින් පමණක් නොව, තම බිරිඳට නැවත සමීපව ආදරය කිරීමටද නිදහස් විය. 

තවත් මිනිසෙක්, තම බිරිඳ සමඟ සැබෑ සමීපත්වය සඳහා වසර ගණනාවක් අරගල කළ බව මට පාපොච්චාරණය කළේය. ඇය තමා හැර යනු ඇතැයි බියෙන් තම බිරිඳ සමඟ කිසිදා බෙදා නොගත් තම ජීවිතයේ පෞද්ගලික අරගල කිහිපයක් ඔහු මට කීවේය. තම බිරිඳ සමඟ තමා කැමති සැබෑ සමීපත්වයට ළඟා වීමට, එම දේවල් ඇයට පාපොච්චාරණය කළ යුතු බව මම ඔහුව දිරිගැන්වූයෙමි. මහත් බියෙන් හා තැති ගැනීමෙන් යුතුව, ඔහු එය කළේය. ඔහුගේ බිරිඳ කම්පනයට පත් වී, ඇවිදීමකට ගොස්, යාච්ඤා කළාය. ඇය ආපසු පැමිණි විට, ඇය ඔහුට කීවාය: “මම තවමත් ඔබට ආදරෙයි.” ඔහු පසුව මට කීවේය, “එරික්, ඇය මට ආදරෙයි කියා දහස් වතාවක් කියා ඇත, නමුත් මම ඇත්තෙන්ම ඇය විශ්වාස කළ පළමු අවස්ථාව මෙයයි.” 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ජීවිත වෙනස් කිරීමේ ව්‍යාපාරයේ නිරතව සිටී. උන් වහන්සේ වසර දහස් ගණනක් තිස්සේ මිනිසුන්ගේ ජීවිත ලිංගික පාපයෙන් හරවා ඇත. වසර 2,000කට පමණ පෙර කොරින්ති පල්ලියේ ක්‍රිස්තියානීන්ට ලිපියක ප්‍රේරිත පාවුල් ලියූ දේ කියවන්න:

“දුෂ්ටයන් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ රාජ්‍යය උරුම කර නොගන්නා බව ඔබ නොදන්නෙහිද? රැවටෙන්න එපා: ලිංගික දුරාචාරයන්, පිළිම වන්දනා කරන්නන්, අනාචාරයන්, පිරිමි වේශ්‍යාවන්, සමලිංගික වැරදිකරුවන්, සොරුන්, තණ්හාවන්තයන්, බේබද්දන්, කේළාම් කියන්නන් හෝ වංචාකරුවන් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ රාජ්‍යය උරුම කර නොගනිති. ඔබෙන් සමහරු එසේ වූහ. නමුත් ඔබ සෝදන ලදුව, ශුද්ධ කරන ලදුව, අපගේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආත්මය මගින් හා ස්වාමීන් වන යේසුස් ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේගේ නාමයෙන් ධර්මිෂ්ඨ කරන ලදහ” (1 කොරින්ති 6:9-11).

එහි’ බොහෝ දේ කියන කුඩා වචනයක් ඇත: එය කුඩා ක්‍රියා පදය වූහ. “ඔබෙන් සමහරු එසේ වූහ.” ඔවුන් සියලු ආකාරයේ පාපවලින් අරගල කළහ, නමුත් ඔවුන් එසේම නොසිටියහ. ඔවුන් වෙනස් කරන ලදුව, පරිවර්තනය කරන ලදුව, නැවත අලුත් කරන ලදහ, මා මෙන්ම. අපගේ පාපය සඳහා ප්‍රතිවිපාක ඇතත්, ඒවායින් සමහරක් ජීවිත කාලයක් පැවතිය හැකි වුවත්, අපගේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආත්මය මගින් හා ස්වාමීන් වන යේසුස් ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේගේ නාමයෙන් සෝදා, ශුද්ධ කර, ධර්මිෂ්ඨ කළ නොහැකි තරම් බැරෑරුම් කිසිවක් නැත. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දෙන පිරිසිදුකම

පාපොච්චාරණය ආත්මයට යහපත් වීමට වඩා වැඩි දෙයකි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබ ජීවත් වීමට නිර්මාණය කළ ජීවිතය අවසානයේ ජීවත් වීමට එය යහපත්ය. 

ඔබේ ජීවිතයේ පාපොච්චාරණය නොකළ පාපයක් සමඟ ඔබ අරගල කරන්නේ නම්, එය කවදා, කොහේ, කාටද පාපොච්චාරණය කළ යුතුද යන්න යාච්ඤාවෙන් සලකා බැලීමට මම ඔබව දිරිගැන්වීමට කැමතියි. ඔබේ පාප දෙවියන් වහන්සේට හා ඔබ ආදරය කරන අයට පිළිගැනීම භයානක යැයි පෙනුණද, සත්‍යය නම් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දැනටමත් ඒවා ගැන දන්නා බවත් — ඔබ ආදරය කරන අය සමහරවිට දැනටමත් ඒවායේ බලපෑම් දැනෙමින් සිටින බවත්ය. අවසානයේ ඒවා පාපොච්චාරණය කිරීම මූලාශ්‍රය හඳුනාගැනීමට උපකාර වන අතර, එමගින් දේවල් වෙනස් වීමට පටන් ගත හැක.

අප කිසිවෙක් පව් නැත්තෙකු නොවෙමු, නමුත් අප කිසිවෙක් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ සමාවෙන් ඔබ්බට ගිය අයෙකුද නොවෙමු. අප උන් වහන්සේට අපගේ පාප පාපොච්චාරණය කරන සෑම විටම, උන් වහන්සේ අපට සමාව දී අප නැවත පිරිසිදු කිරීමට පොරොන්දු වෙති.

“අප පව් නැතැයි කියා සිටියහොත්, අප අපවම රවටා ගනිමු, තවද සත්‍යය අප තුළ නැත. අප අපගේ පාප පාපොච්චාරණය කරන්නේ නම්, උන් වහන්සේ විශ්වාසවන්ත හා ධර්මිෂ්ඨ බැවින් අපගේ පාපවලට සමාව දී සියලු අධර්මිෂ්ඨකමින් අප පිරිසිදු කරනු ඇත” (1 යොහන් 1:8-9).

ඔබට කවදා හෝ පාපොච්චාරණ යාච්ඤාවක් අවශ්‍ය වී කුමක් කිව යුතුදැයි නොදන්නේ නම්, ඔබට පටන් ගැනීමට උපකාර වන වචන කිහිපයක් මෙන්න. එක් හෘදයාංගම යාච්ඤාවක් ඔබේ ජීවිතයේද හැරවුම් ලක්ෂ්‍යය විය හැක. 

පියාණනි, මම ඔබට හා අන් අයට එරෙහිව කළ පාප ගැන මම කනගාටු වෙමි. මෙම පාපවලට වන්දි ගෙවීමට මට නොහැකි බව මම දනිමි, නමුත් යේසුස් වහන්සේ කුරුසියේ මිය ගිය විට දැනටමත් ඒවා සඳහා මිල ගෙවා ඇති බව මම දනිමි. මම මේ මොහොතේම යේසුස් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි මාගේ පූර්ණ විශ්වාසය හා භාරය තබමි, තවද මාගේ ජීවිතයේ ස්වාමීන් වන ලෙස උන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඉල්ලමි. ඔබේ ඇස් හමුයේ මා නැවත සෝදා, පිරිසිදු කර, ධර්මිෂ්ඨ කළ හැකි වන පිණිස ඔබේ ශුද්ධාත්මයෙන් මා පුරවන්න. මම මේ සියල්ල යේසුස් වහන්සේගේ නාමයෙන් යාච්ඤා කරමි, ආමෙන්.

සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න

1. අප තවමත් පව් කරමින් සිටියදී පවා, අප කෙරෙහි වූ තම ආදරය පෙන්නුම් කිරීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කළේ කුමක්ද? (රෝම 5:8)

2. අන්ධ මිනිසුන් සුවය ලැබීමට කැමති වූ විට යේසුස් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ගෙන් ඇසූ ප්‍රශ්නය කුමක්ද? (මතෙව් 9:28)

3. අප සුව වන පිණිස කළ හැකි එක් දෙයක් ලෙස ජේම්ස් පවසන දේ කුමක්ද? (ජේම්ස් 5:16)

4. අප උන් වහන්සේට අපගේ පාප පාපොච්චාරණය කරන්නේ නම් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කිරීමට පොරොන්දු වන දේ කුමක්ද? (1 යොහන් 1:8-9)

පස්වන පරිච්ඡේදය

ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා දැනගැනීම

“දැන් ආදම් ඒව්ව දැන ගත් අතර ඇය පිළිසිඳ කායින්ව බිහි කළාය.” උත්පත්ති 4:1, NKJV

මදෙනා බොහෝ දුර පැමිණ ඇති බවත්, තවදුරටත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අවශ්‍ය නැති බවත් තීරණය කිරීමට එකට රැස් වූ විද්‍යාඥ කණ්ඩායමක් ගැන ඔබ අසා ඇති. 

තමන් උන් වහන්සේ සමඟ අවසන් බව උන් වහන්සේට කීමට යැවීමට ඔවුන් එක් විද්‍යාඥයෙකු තෝරා ගත්හ. විද්‍යාඥයා දෙවියන් වහන්සේ වෙත ගොස් කීවේය, “දෙවියනි, අපට තවදුරටත් ඔබ අවශ්‍ය නැති බව අපි තීරණය කර ඇත්තෙමු. අපට මිනිසුන් ක්ලෝන කිරීමට හා බොහෝ ආශ්චර්යමත් දේ කිරීමට හැකි තැනට පැමිණ ඇත්තෙමු, එබැවින් ඔබ අහක ගොස් නැති වෙන්නකෝ.” 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මිනිසාට ඉවසීමෙන් සවන් දුන් අතර, විද්‍යාඥයා කතා කර අවසන් වූ විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කීවේය, “ඉතා හොඳයි! මෙහෙම කෙරුවොත් කොහොමද? මිනිසුන් සෑදීමේ තරඟයක් තියමු.” 

එයට මිනිසා පිළිතුරු දුන්නේය, “හරි, හොඳයි!” 

නමුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ තවත් කීවේය, “දැන් අප මෙය කරන්නේ මම පැරණි දිනවල ආදම් සමඟ කළ ආකාරයටමයි.”

විද්‍යාඥයා කීවේය, “හරි, කිසි ප්‍රශ්නයක් නෑ,” තවද නැමී අතලොස්සක් පස් ගත්තේය. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔහු දෙස බලා කීවේය, “නෑ, නෑ, නෑ. ඔබ ගොස් ඔබේම පස් ගන්නකෝ!”

අපගේ නව ප්‍රජනන තාක්ෂණයන්, එනම් ශරීරයෙන් පිට සිදුවන සංසේචනය, එනම් මිනිසෙකුගේ ශුක්‍රාණු හා ස්ත්‍රියකගේ බිත්තර ඔවුන්ගේ ශරීරවලින් නෙළා ගෙන පසුව පරීක්ෂණ නළයක එකට එකතු කරන ක්‍රමය, ආශ්චර්යමත් යැයි අප සිතන්නට පුළුවන. නැතහොත් ක්ලෝන කිරීම, එනම් විද්‍යාඥයන් එක් ශරීරයකින් සෛල කිහිපයක් ගෙන ඒවා තවත් ශරීරයකින් වූ බිත්තරයක් සමඟ ඒකාබද්ධ කිරීමට උත්සාහ කර, පසුව විෂබීජහරණය කළ රසායනාගාරයක විදුලි කම්පනයක් භාවිතයෙන් ඒවාට ජීවය අවුලුවීමට උත්සාහ කරන ක්‍රමය. මෙම තාක්ෂණයන් ආශ්චර්යමත් වේ, නමුත් මුලින්ම නව ජීවයක් නිර්මාණය කිරීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය නිර්මාණය කළ ආකාරයට සාපේක්ෂව, කවර ක්‍රියාවලිය වඩාත් ආශ්චර්යමත්ද — සහ වඩාත් විනෝදජනකද — යන්න ගැන මාගේ මනසේ කිසිදු සැකයක් නැත!

තේරීමක් ලැබුණහොත්, බොහෝ දෙනා දරුවන් සෑදීම පමණක් නොව, ආදරය කිරීමෙන් නව ජීවයක් පැරණි ක්‍රමයට නිර්මාණය කිරීමට කැමති වනු ඇතැයි මම සිතමි. මෙයට හේතුව, ආදරය කිරීම අතිශයින් විනෝදජනක විය හැකි යන කරුණට වඩා ගැඹුරට යයි. 

යාඩා!

හේතුව නම්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප අපගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ ගැඹුරින් හා සමීපව දැනගැනීමට කැමති වීමයි, තවද ඔවුන් සමඟ ආදරය කිරීම අපට ඔවුන් දැනගත හැකි ගැඹුරුම ක්‍රමවලින් එකකි. ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම, ආදරය කිරීම විස්තර කිරීමට බයිබලයේ බොහෝ විට භාවිතා වන හෙබ්‍රෙව් වචනවලින් එකක් වන්නේ යාඩා, එහි වචනාර්ථය “දැනගැනීම” යන්නයි. 

උදාහරණයක් ලෙස, බයිබලය මෙසේ පවසයි:

“දැන් ආදම් ඒව්ව දැන ගත් අතර ඇය පිළිසිඳ කායින්ව බිහි කළාය” (උත්පත්ති 4:1; උත්පත්ති 4:17, 1 සාමුවෙල් 1:19ද බලන්න, NKJV).

බයිබලමය අර්ථයෙන්, කෙනෙකු දැනගැනීම යනු ඔවුන් සමඟ ලිංගික සංසර්ගයේ නියැලීමයි. සමීපත්වය යන වචනයේ අර්ථය මතක තබා ගැනීමට පහසු ක්‍රමයක් නම්, ඉංග්‍රීසියෙන් “into-me-see” (මා තුළට-දකින්න) යන යෙදුම සිතීමයි. අප අපගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ සමඟ සමීප වන විට, අප ඔවුන්ට අප තුළට දැකීමට ඉඩ දෙන අතර, ඔවුන් අපට ඔවුන් තුළට දැකීමට ඉඩ දෙති. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබ ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා මෙතරම් සමීපව දැනගැනීමට කැමති වන්නේ ඇයි? මක්නිසාද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති වන්නේ ඔබ ඔබේ අත්, ඔබේ ඇස්, ඔබේ වචන, ඔබේ කන්, ඔබේ හදවත — ඔබේ මුළු පැවැත්මම — භාවිතා කර ඔවුන්ට උන් වහන්සේගේ ආදරය මෙන්ම ඔබේම ආදරයද ප්‍රකාශ කිරීමට කැමති නිසාය.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කිරීමට කැමති තරමටම, උන් වහන්සේ ඔබේ කලත්‍රයාගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන්ද ඉටු කිරීමට කැමතිය — ඔබ හරහා! එය ඵලදායීව කිරීමට, ’දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන් ස්පර්ශ කිරීමට කැමති ආකාරයට ඔබට ඔවුන් ස්පර්ශ කළ හැකි වන පිණිස, ඔබ ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා ගැඹුරින් හා සමීපව දැනගැනීම අත්‍යවශ්‍යයෙන්ම වැදගත්ය. 

ඇය විවාහ කර නොගන්නේ ඇයි?

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලානාගේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කිරීමට මා හරහා ක්‍රියා කිරීමට කැමති බව මට මුලින්ම දැනුණු අවස්ථාව, මා ඇය විවාහ කර ගැනීම ගැන සිතීමටත් පෙර පටන් ගත්තේය.

ලානා තවමත් මිචිගන් හි ජීවත් වූ අතර මම ටෙක්සාස් හි ජීවත් වීමි. අප විද්‍යාලයේ ආදර සම්බන්ධතාවක් පැවැත්වූවත්, අප වසර දෙකකට පෙර වෙන් වී තිබුණු නමුත්, අප තවමත් වරින් වර දුරකථනයෙන් කතා කළෙමු. එක් රාත්‍රියක, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇය තම වත්මන් රැකියාවේ රැඳී සිටීමට කැමතිද නැද්ද යැයි ඇය කල්පනා කරමින් සිටින බව ලානා මට කීවාය. එම සතියේ මම විශේෂ යාච්ඤා හා උපවාස කාලයක් සැලසුම් කරමින් සිටින බවත්, එබැවින් ඇගේ රැකියා තීරණය ගැනද මම යාච්ඤා කරන බවත් මම ඇයට කීවෙමි.

මාගේ උපවාසයේ දෙවන දිනය වන විට, මට ආධ්‍යාත්මිකව ශක්තිමත් බවක් දැනුණි, නමුත් ටිකක් හිස කැරකෙන බවක්ද දැනුණි. යාච්ඤා කිරීමට රැකියාවෙන් නිවාඩුවක් ගෙන, උණුසුම් ටෙක්සාස් හිරු එළියේ පිහිනුම් තටාකයක් අසල මම වාඩි වී සිටියෙමි. මම ලානා වෙනුවෙන් යාච්ඤා කිරීමට පටන් ගත් විට, මම ඇය ඇඳුම් කට්ටලයක් හා ටයි පටියක් ඇඳ, ජීවිත කාලය පුරා විශාල සංස්ථාවක් සඳහා වැඩ කරනු මවා නොගතිමි — මම ඇය නිවසේ, විවාහ වී පවුලක් හදා වඩාගනු මවා ගතිමි. 

ඒක තමයි, ස්වාමීනි! ඇයට වෙනස් රැකියාවක් අවශ්‍ය නැත. ඇයට අවශ්‍ය වන්නේ ඇය නිවසේ රැඳී සිටිය හැකි වන පිණිස ඇයව රැකබලා ගන්නා ස්වාමිපුරුෂයෙකි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇයට ස්වාමිපුරුෂයෙකු ගෙන එනු ඇතැයි මම යාච්ඤා කිරීමට පටන් ගතිමි.

ඉන්පසු මා ඉදිරියේ තිබූ ජලය තරම් පැහැදිලිව මෙම වචන මාගේ මනස හරහා පාවී ගියේය: “ඇය ඔබම විවාහ කර නොගන්නේ ඇයි?” 

මොකක්?!? මම යාච්ඤා කරමින් සිටියේ ඒ ගැන කිසිසේත් නොවේ! සමහරවිට උපවාසය මම සිතුවාට වඩා මට බලපාමින් සිටින්නට ඇත!

නමුත් සති දෙකකට පසු, මාගේ උපවාසය අවසන් වූ පසුවත්, ප්‍රශ්නය තවමත් මාගේ මනසේ ඉදිරියෙන්ම තිබුණි: “ඇය ඔබම විවාහ කර නොගන්නේ ඇයි?” 

මම එම දෙයම මගෙන්ම ඇසීමට පටන් ගතිමි: “මම ඇය විවාහ කර නොගන්නේ ඇයි?” ඒ මම ඇයට කැමති නොවූ නිසා නොවේ. ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම, අප විද්‍යාලයේ ආදර සම්බන්ධතාවක් පැවැත්වූ විට, මම ඇයට සම්පූර්ණයෙන් ආදරය කළෙමි. නමුත් අප වසර දෙකකට පෙර වෙන් වීමට හේතුව නම්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දැනටමත් මාගේ හදවතේ ක්‍රියා කරමින් සිටි නිසාත්, ඇය සමඟ වෙන් වීමට මා පොළඹවන්නේ උන් වහන්සේ බව මට දැනුණු නිසාත්ය. එවකට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප වෙන් වීමට කැමති වන්නේ ඇයිදැයි මම දැනගෙන පවා නොසිටියෙමි. නමුත් අපගේ වෙන්වීමෙන් පසු මාස තුළ, අප දෙදෙනාම ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාසය තැබීමට තීරණය කළෙමු. ඉන්පසු අප දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දේ ඉගෙන ගැනීමට පටන් ගෙන, අප කරමින් සිටි දේ වැරදි බව තේරුම් ගතිමු.

දැන්, වසර දෙකකට පසු, අප දෙදෙනාම අපගේ ජීවිත ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේට දී ඇති බැවින්, සමහරවිට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇත්තෙන්ම අප නැවත එකට එක් වීමට කැමති වන්නට ඇත! මට එක් ආකාරයකින් හෝ තවත් ආකාරයකින් සොයාගැනීමට සිදු විය, එබැවින් මෙම ප්‍රශ්නය ඇත්තෙන්ම දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන්ද නැද්ද යැයි යාච්ඤා කර බැලීමට ඊළඟ මාස තුන වෙන් කිරීමට මම තීරණය කළෙමි. ලානාත් මමත් තවමත් වරින් වර කතා කළෙමු, නමුත් ඇගේ යහපත සඳහාත් මාගේම යහපත සඳහාත් මම මාගේ යාච්ඤා ගැන ඇයට නොකීවෙමි. සම්බන්ධතාවක පීඩනයකින් තොරව දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් පැහැදිලිව ඇසීමට පමණක් මම කැමති වීමි.

ඊළඟ මාස කිහිපය තුළ, මා කවදත් අත්විඳ තිබූ ඕනෑම දෙයක් ඉක්මවා ගිය ආදරයක් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලානා වෙනුවෙන් මාගේ හදවතේ තැබූහ. මට වැදගත් වූ කරුණු, ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේ සමඟ ඇගේ සම්බන්ධතාව, සහ ඇගේ සිහින හා ආශාවන් පිළිබඳව ඇය දුරින් සිට ඇසීමට හා ඇයට හැඟුණු ආකාරය දැකීමට මට හැකි විය. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇගේ අවශ්‍යතා ඉටු කිරීමට කැමති ආකාරයට ඇත්තෙන්ම ඇයට ඉටු කළ හැකිද යැයි බැලීමට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇය දෙස බලන ආකාරයට මම ඇය දෙස බැලීමට උත්සාහ කළෙමි.

යාච්ඤා කළ මාස තුනේ අවසානය වන විට, මම පිපිරීමට ආසන්නව සිටියෙමි! මම ඇයට කෙතරම් ආදරය කළාද යත්, උන් වහන්සේ මට ඇය විවාහ කර ගැනීමට ඉඩ නොදුන්නොත් මම උන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි ඇත්තෙන්ම කේන්ති ගන්නා බව මම දෙවියන් වහන්සේට කීවෙමි!

විවාහයට පෙර ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා දැනගැනීම

අප විවාහ වන්නේ කවුරුන් සමඟද යන්න ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ගැඹුරින් සැලකිලිමත් වේ. කාලයේ ආරම්භයේ සිට, අප විවාහ වීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමති කවුරුන්ද යන්න දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පෙර සැලසුම් කර ඇද්ද නැද්ද යන්න මම නොදනිමි. නමුත් එම තීරණයේ උන් වහන්සේට නිශ්චිත කොටසක් ඇති බව මම දනිමි. 

අප විවාහ වීමටත් පෙර අපගේ කලත්‍රයා ගැන අප දැනගැනීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති යම් යම් දේවල් ඇත. බයිබලයේ ස්ථාන කිහිපයක, උන් වහන්සේ අප විවාහ වීමට කැමති පුද්ගලයා ගැන පැහැදිලි මාර්ගෝපදේශ මෙන්ම නිශ්චිත මඟපෙන්වීම්ද අපට දෙයි.

අපගේ පළමු දරුවන් දෙදෙනා තරුණ වියේදී, ඔවුන් වැඩුණු පසු එකිනෙකා විවාහ කර ගත හැකිද යැයි කල්පනා කළ බව මට මතකය. එය සිතන තරමට එවකට ඔවුන් එකිනෙකාට කෙතරම් කැමති වූවාද යන්න ගැන මම සතුටු වෙමි, නමුත් අප කීවෙමු, “නෑ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබට විවාහ වීමට වෙනත් කෙනෙකු දෙනු ඇත.” 

අප මෙය දැන ඔවුන් නොදැන සිටියේ කෙසේද? මක්නිසාද එය නීතියට පටහැනි බව අප දැන සිටි අතර ඔවුන් නොදැන සිටි ’නිසාත්, අප එය බයිබලයේ කියවා තිබූ අතර ඔවුන් නොකියවා තිබූ නිසාත්ය. අප සුළු කොට තකන සමහර දේවල් අපට පැහැදිලි වන්නේ, අප, හෝ අපට පෙර කවුරුන් හෝ, ඒවා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ වචනයේ සොයාගෙන ඇති නිසා පමණි. උන් වහන්සේ අප විවාහ වීමට කැමති — සහ විවාහ නොවීමට කැමති — කවුරුන්ද යන්න ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ බයිබලයේ දෙන සාමාන්‍ය මාර්ගෝපදේශ කිහිපයක් මෙන්න.නොවිය යුතු

• දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති වන්නේ ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාස කරන්නන් වෙනත් විශ්වාස කරන්නන් විවාහ කර ගැනීමටයි: “අවිශ්වාසවන්තයන් සමඟ එකට වියගහ නොබැඳෙන්න, මක්නිසාද ධර්මිෂ්ඨකමට හා දුෂ්ටකමට පොදු දෙයක් තිබේද?” (2 කොරින්ති 6:14අ).
• අපගේ හදවත් උන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඈත් කරන කෙනෙකු අප විවාහ කර ගැනීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති නැත: “ඔවුන් සමඟ [වෙනත් දෙවිවරුන්ට සේවය කරන අය සමඟ] විවාහ නොවිය යුතුය, මක්නිසාද ඔවුන් නියත වශයෙන්ම ඔබේ හදවත් ඔවුන්ගේ දෙවිවරුන් පසුපස හරවනු ඇත” (1 රාජාවලිය 11:2ආ).
• ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා සඳහා, එබැවින් විවාහය සඳහා, තහනම් වන්නේ කවුරුන්ද යන්න දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපට කියයි: 

• අප කිසිදු සමීප ඥාතියෙකු සමඟ ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා නොපැවැත්විය යුතුය: “කිසිවෙක් ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා පැවැත්වීමට කිසිදු සමීප ඥාතියෙකු වෙත නොපැමිණිය යුතුය. මම ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේය” (ලෙවී කථාව 18:6). එම පරිච්ඡේදයේම, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඉන්පසු සමීප ඥාතීන් ලෙස අපගේ දෙමාපියන්, දරුවන්, සහෝදර සහෝදරියන්, ආච්චිලා සීයලා, මුනුබුරු මිනිබිරියන්, නැන්දලා මාමලා, සහ බෑණලා ලේලිලා ලෙස අර්ථ දක්වයි;
• අප දැනටමත් විවාහ වී සිටින කිසිවෙකු සමඟ ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා නොපැවැත්විය යුතුය, එය අනාචාරය;  වනු ඇත: “ඔබේ අසල්වැසියාගේ බිරිඳ සමඟ ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා පවත්වා ඇය සමඟ ඔබවම කිලිටි කර නොගන්න” (ලෙවී කථාව 18:20);
• සතුන් සමඟද නොවේ, එය තිරිසන් සංසර්ගය ලෙස හැඳින්වේ: “සතෙකු සමඟ ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා පවත්වා ඔබවම එයින් කිලිටි කර නොගන්න” (ලෙවී කථාව 18:23අ);
• අප හා එකම ලිංගිකයට අයත් අය සමඟද නොවේ, එය පිරිමින් අතර සමලිංගිකත්වය ලෙසත්, ස්ත්‍රීන් අතර සමලිංගික ස්ත්‍රී සම්බන්ධතා ලෙසත් හැඳින්වේ: “ස්ත්‍රියක් සමඟ නිදාගන්නා පරිදි පුරුෂයෙකු සමඟ නොනිදාගන්න; එය පිළිකුල් සහගතය” (ලෙවී කථාව 18:22) සහ “මේ නිසා, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන් ලැජ්ජා සහගත තණ්හාවන්ට භාර දුන්හ. ඔවුන්ගේ ස්ත්‍රීන් පවා ස්වාභාවික සම්බන්ධතා අස්වාභාවික ඒවා සමඟ මාරු කළහ. එලෙසම පිරිමිද ස්ත්‍රීන් සමඟ ස්වාභාවික සම්බන්ධතා අත්හැර එකිනෙකා කෙරෙහි තණ්හාවෙන් ඇවිළුණහ. පිරිමි වෙනත් පිරිමින් සමඟ අශෝභන ක්‍රියා කර, තම විකෘතිය සඳහා නියමිත දඬුවම තමන් තුළම ලැබූහ” (රෝම 1:26-27).

විවාහ වන්නේ කවුරුන් සමඟද යන්න ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ අදහස ඉල්ලා සිටින බයිබලයේ අය, ඉසාක් හා රෙබෙකා (උත්පත්ති 24 බලන්න) සහ යාකොබ් හා රාකෙල් (උත්පත්ති 29 බලන්න) මෙන්, නිතරම ආශීර්වාද ලබති. දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ උපදෙස් අනුගමනය නොකරන අය, අම්නොන් හා තාමර් (2 සාමුවෙල් 13:1-21 බලන්න) සහ සලමොන් හා ඔහුගේ විදේශීය බිරින්දෑවරුන් (1 රාජාවලිය 11:1-4 බලන්න) මෙන්, නිතරම මිල ගෙවති.

මෙයින් අදහස් වන්නේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේට කිසිදු විවාහයක් මුදවා ප්‍රතිෂ්ඨාපනය කළ නොහැකි බව නොවේ — මක්නිසාද උන් වහන්සේට හැකිය, තවද උන් වහන්සේ එසේ කර ඇත! මම උන් වහන්සේ එය කිහිප වතාවක් කරනු දැක ඇත්තෙමි! නමුත් පළමුව දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසන දේට සවන් නොදී විවාහයට පිවිසුණු අය, දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ උපදෙස් අනුගමනය කළා නම් යැයි ප්‍රාර්ථනා කරන බව ඔබට කියන පළමු අය වනු ඇත.

ඔබ විවාහ වන්නේ කවුරුන් සමඟද යන්න ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ සැලකිලිමත් වන්නේ, උන් වහන්සේ ඔබ ගැන සැලකිලිමත් වන නිසාත්, ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා ගැන සැලකිලිමත් වන නිසාත්, ඔබේ විවාහයෙන් ඇති විය හැකි දරුවන් ගැන සැලකිලිමත් වන නිසාත්ය.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් තෑග්ගක්

මම ලානා විවාහ කර ගැනීම ගැන යාච්ඤා කළ එම මාස තුන තුළ, ඇය ගැන දේවල් කිහිපයක් සොයාගැනීමට මට හැකි විය. ඇය විශ්වාස කරන්නියක බවත්, ඇය මාව ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ සමඟ මාගේ ගමනේ දිරිගන්වන බවත්, උන් වහන්සේගෙන් මා ඈත් නොකරන බවත් මට දැකිය හැකි විය. ඇය සමීප ඥාතියෙකු නොවන බව, ඇය විවාහ වී නොසිටි බව, ඇය සතෙකු නොවන බව, සහ ඇය පුරුෂයෙකු නොවන බව මම දැනටමත් දැන සිටියෙමි. මෙතෙක් හොඳයි!

මාගේ යාච්ඤාවේ මාස තුන අවසන් වූ විට, ලානාට කතා කර මාගේ හදවතේ තිබූ සියල්ල ඇයට කීමට මම තීරණය කළෙමි. අප කතා කිරීමට පටන් ගත් විට, ඇය අවසානයේ තම රැකියාව අත්හැරීමට තීරණය කර ඇති බව ඇය මට කීවාය. එය කිරීම නිවැරදි දෙය බව ඇය දැන සිටියද, ඊළඟට කුමක් කරන්නට යනවාද යන්න ඇය නොදැන සිටියාය. මට අදහසක් ඇති බව මම ඇයට කීවෙමි!

විවාහ වීම ගැන අපට එකට යාච්ඤා කළ හැකි වන පිණිස හූස්ටන් වෙත පැමිණීම සලකා බලන ලෙස මම ඇයගෙන් ඇසූ විට, කම්පනයට පත් වූයේ ඇයයි! මොකක්?!? ඇය සිතුවාය. මම යාච්ඤා කරමින් සිටියේ ඒ ගැන කිසිසේත් නොවේ! 

දැන් ඇයට ඒ ගැන යාච්ඤා කිරීමට කාලයක් අවශ්‍ය විය. ඊළඟ මාස කිහිපය තුළ, බලා සිටීම හැර මට කළ හැකි කිසිවක් නොවීය. මෙම කාලය තුළ එක් අවස්ථාවක, ලානා කුමක් තීරණය කරන්නට ඇද්දැයි මම අවංකවම නොදැන සිටියදී, මම බයිබලයේ මෙම ඡේදය කියෙව්වෙමි:

“උන් වහන්සේ ඔබට ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාව දේවා, ඔබේ සියලු සැලසුම් සාර්ථක කරාවා. ඔබ ජයගත් විට අප ප්‍රීතියෙන් ඔල්වරසන් දෙන්නෙමු, අපගේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ නාමයෙන් අපගේ කොඩි ඔසවන්නෙමු. ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ ඔබේ සියලු ඉල්ලීම් ඉටු කරාවා” (ගීතාවලිය 20:4-5).

නැවත වරක්, බයිබලයේ වචන පිටුවෙන් පැන එන බවක් පෙනුණි. එම මොහොතේ ලානා මාගේ හදවතේ ආශාව බව මම දැන ගතිමි. එය ළමා යාච්ඤාවක් සේ ඇසෙන්නට පුළුවන් බව මම දැන සිටියද, මම කීවෙමි, “ස්වාමීනි, ඔබ දැනටමත් මාගේ පාපවලට සමාව දී ඔබ සමඟ සදාකාල ජීවනය මට දීමෙන් මම සුදුසු ප්‍රමාණයටත් වඩා මට දී ඇත්තෙහිය. නමුත් මාගේ ඉතිරි ජීවිතයේ මට එක් තෑග්ගක් පමණක් ඔබෙන් ඉල්ලිය හැකි නම්, එය ලානා විවාහ කර ගැනීමයි.” දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මාගේ ඉල්ලීම ඉටු කරාවිද යන්න මම නොදැන සිටියෙමි, තවද ප්‍රතිඵලය කුමක් වුවත් උන් වහන්සේ විශ්වාස කිරීමට මම කැමති වීමි, නමුත් උන් වහන්සේ මට ඇය විවාහ කර ගැනීමට ඉඩ දුන්නොත්, ගීතාවලිය 20 හි කී පරිදි, මම “ප්‍රීතියෙන් ඔල්වරසන් දෙන” බවද මම දැන සිටියෙමි!

වසරකටත් අඩු කලකට පසු, අප විවාහ පොරොන්දු හුවමාරු කරමින් පූජාසනය අසල සිටියදී, මම ඇස්වල කඳුළු හා උගුරේ ගැටයක් සමඟ ලානා දෙස බලා කීවෙමි, “ලානා, ‘උන් වහන්සේ ඔබට ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාව දේවා’ යැයි කී ගීතාවලිය 20 කියෙව්ව දා සිට, ඔබ මාගේ හදවතේ ආශාව බව මම දැන සිටියෙමි. … ඔබ දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මට දුන් තෑග්ගකි, තවද මම ඔබව තෑග්ගක් ලෙස සලකන්නට සැලසුම් කරමි.” 

ආදරය කිරීම

ස්වාමිපුරුෂයෙකු හෝ බිරිඳක් ඇත්තෙන්ම දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් වූ තෑග්ගකි — තවද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප ඔවුන් තෑග්ග ලෙස සලකනු ඇතැයි කැමතිය. එයට අප ඔවුන්ට ලිංගිකව සලකන ආකාරයද ඇතුළත්ය. ලිංගිකත්වයේ ඇති එක් ගැටලුවක් නම්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේට අවශ්‍ය දේ දීම වෙනුවට, මිනිසුන් බොහෝ විට එය තමන්ට අවශ්‍ය දේ ලබා ගැනීමට භාවිතා කිරීමයි. ආදරය කිරීම යනු ලිංගිකත්වය සඳහා තවත් යෙදුමක් පමණක් නොව, අප එය කළ යුතු ආකාරයද විස්තර කරයි.

මම ලානා දෙස බලා මගෙන්ම අසන අවස්ථා ඇත, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දැන් මෙහි සිටියේ නම්, උන් වහන්සේ ඇයට ආශීර්වාද කිරීමට කුමක් කරන්නට ඇද්ද? ඇයට විශේෂ ආකාරයකින් ආශීර්වාද කිරීමට මාගේ අත්, මාගේ වචන, මාගේ ඇස්, මාගේ කන්, සහ මාගේ හදවත භාවිතා කිරීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමති වන්නේ කෙසේද? සමහර විට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මට ඇගේ නළල අතගෑමට, ඇගේ කෙස් අතගෑමට, හෝ ඇගේ තොල් හා කම්මුල්වල මෘදු හාදු දීමට කැමති බව මට හැඟෙනු ඇත. මට මේ දෙයින්ද ප්‍රීතියක් නොලැබීම පාහේ අසම්භව වුවත්, මෙවැනි අවස්ථාවලදී මාගේ අවංක අභිප්‍රේරණය මාගේම ආශාවන් තෘප්තිමත් කිරීම නොව, ඇගේ ආශාවන් තෘප්තිමත් කිරීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මා හරහා ක්‍රියා කිරීමට ඉඩ දීමයි. ඇයට ආශීර්වාද කිරීමෙන්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇය භාවිතා කර මට නැවත ආශීර්වාද කරන බව මම සාමාන්‍යයෙන් සොයාගනිමි!

අපගේ කලත්‍රයා ගැඹුරින් හා සමීපව දැනගැනීමෙන්, අපට ඔවුන්ගේ අවශ්‍යතාවලට වඩා හොඳින් සේවය කළ හැක. ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන් හා භාර්යාවන් එකිනෙකාගේ ශරීර තමන්ගේම ශරීර මෙන් රැකබලා ගත යුතු බව බයිබලය පවසයි:

“එලෙසම, ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන් තම බිරින්දෑවරුන්ට තමන්ගේම ශරීර මෙන් ආදරය කළ යුතුය. තම බිරිඳට ආදරය කරන්නා තමන්ටම ආදරය කරයි. කවර මුත් කිසිවෙක් කිසිදා තමන්ගේම ශරීරයට වෛර නොකළේය, නමුත් ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේ පල්ලියට කරන පරිදිම ඔහු එය පෝෂණය කර රැකබලා ගනී — මක්නිසාද අප උන් වහන්සේගේ ශරීරයේ අවයව වෙමු” (එපීස 5:28-30).

විහිළුවට කරුණ නම්, සමහරු ලිංගිකව එක් වීමට කැමති නැති විට තම කලත්‍රයා සමඟ විහිළු කරමින් කියති, “අද රෑ නෑ, ආදරේ, මට ඔලුව කැක්කුමක්.” නමුත් ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම, ’ලිංගිකව එක්වීම වෛද්‍යවරයා නියම කළ දේම විය හැක. අපගේ විවාහ ජීවිතය පුරාවට, මාගේ බිරිඳට ඇත්තෙන්ම ඔලුව කැක්කුමක් ඇති සෑම විටම, දේවමය අතගෑම හා ආදරය කිරීම සම්පූර්ණ හා පූර්ණ සුවය ගෙන ඇති බව මම පුදුමයට පත්ව සිටිමි! ඇයට අවශ්‍ය සුවය ගෙන ඒමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේට මා හරහා ක්‍රියා කිරීමට හැකි වී ඇත.

ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා සමඟ සැබවින්ම ආදරය කරන්නේ කෙසේද යන්න පිළිබඳ යෝජනා කෙටි ලැයිස්තුවක් මම ඔබට දීමට කැමතියි, ඒ සියල්ල ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා දැනගැනීම වටා කැරකෙයි. 

1. එකිනෙකාට ආදරයෙන් හා ගෞරවයෙන් සලකන්න. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති වන්නේ අපගේ අත්, අපගේ ශරීර හා අපගේ වචන භාවිතා කර අපගේ කලත්‍රයන්ට උන් වහන්සේගේ ආදරය ප්‍රකාශ කිරීමටයි, වේදනාකාරී හෝ අගෞරව සහගත කිසිදු ආකාරයකින් නොවේ. මෙය මාගේ කලත්‍රයා සතුටු කරයිද? එය ඔවුන්ට සැබවින්ම ආදරය හා ගෞරවය ලැබෙන බවක් දැනෙන්නට සලස්වයිද? එය ඔවුන්ට අගය කරන බවක් හා අවංකව රැකබලා ගන්නා බවක් දැනෙන්නට සලස්වයිද? “කෙසේ වෙතත්, ඔබ එක් එක් අයද තමන්ට ආදරය කරන පරිදි තම බිරිඳට ආදරය කළ යුතුය, තවද බිරිඳ තම ස්වාමිපුරුෂයාට ගෞරව කළ යුතුය” (එපීස 5:33).
2. එකිනෙකා ගොඩනඟන්න, එකිනෙකා බිඳ නොදමන්න. සමහර ආකාරයේ අතගෑම් අපට උද්යෝගිමත් විය හැක, නමුත් අපගේ කලත්‍රයාට හෝ අපටම භෞතික හෝ චිත්තවේගීය හානියක් සිදු කරන්නට පුළුවන. යමකට අමතර සැලකිල්ලක් අවශ්‍ය වන විට අපට කිව හැකි වන පිණිස දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපගේ ශරීර වේදනාව දැනෙන ලෙස සකසා ඇත. “ආදරය ඉවසිලිවන්තය, ආදරය කරුණාවන්තය. එය ඊර්ෂ්‍යා නොකරයි, එය පුරසාරම් නොදොඩයි, එය අහංකාර නොවේ. එය රළු නොවේ, එය ආත්මාර්ථකාමී නොවේ, එය පහසුවෙන් කෝප නොවේ, එය වැරදිවල වාර්තාවක් නොතබයි. ආදරය නපුරෙන් ප්‍රීති නොවී සත්‍යය සමඟ ප්‍රීති වේ. එය සැමවිටම ආරක්ෂා කරයි, සැමවිටම විශ්වාස කරයි, සැමවිටම බලාපොරොත්තු වේ, සැමවිටම ඉවසයි” (1 කොරින්ති 13:4-7).
3. නිතිපතා ආදරය කරන්න. විවාහක යුවළක් කොපමණ වාරයක් ලිංගිකව එක්විය යුතුද යන්න පිළිබඳ “සම්මතයක්” බයිබලය අපට නොදෙයි, නමුත් කලත්‍රයන් දෙදෙනාම එකඟ වන විට හා සීමිත කාලයකට පමණක් හැර, අප එකිනෙකා මෙම සමීපත්වයේ අවස්ථාවලින් අහිමි නොකළ යුතු බව එය පවසයි. උන් වහන්සේ ඔබ ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා වෙනුවෙන් කිරීමට කැමති දේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් අසන්න, ඔවුන්ට ආශීර්වාද කිරීමට නිර්මාණශීලී ක්‍රම පවා සොයාගැනීමට ඔබට උපකාර කිරීමට උන් වහන්සේගේ ශුද්ධාත්මය ඔබේ ජීවිතවලට ආරාධනා කරන්න. “ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා තම බිරිඳට තම විවාහ යුතුකම ඉටු කළ යුතුය, එලෙසම බිරිඳ තම ස්වාමිපුරුෂයාට. බිරිඳගේ ශරීරය ඇයට පමණක් අයිති නොව ඇගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයාටද අයිතිය. එලෙසම, ස්වාමිපුරුෂයාගේ ශරීරය ඔහුට පමණක් අයිති නොව ඔහුගේ බිරිඳටද අයිතිය. ඔබ යාච්ඤාවට කැපවීමට හැකි වන පිණිස, අන්‍යෝන්‍ය කැමැත්තෙන් හා කාලයකට හැර එකිනෙකා අහිමි නොකරන්න. ඉන්පසු ඔබේ ආත්ම දමනය නොමැතිකම නිසා සාතන් ඔබව පරීක්ෂාවට ලක් නොකරන පිණිස නැවත එකට එක් වන්න” (1 කොරින්ති 7:3-5).
4. ඔබේම ශරීරය හා ඔබේ කලත්‍රයාගේ ශරීරය අතර වෙනස්කම් ඉගෙනීමට කාලය ගන්න. බොහෝ පිරිමින්ට මිනිත්තු කිහිපයක් ඇතුළත උත්තේජනය වී ඔර්ගැස්මයක් ලැබිය හැකි වුවත්, බොහෝ ස්ත්‍රීන්ට ඔර්ගැස්මයක් ලැබීමට මිනිත්තු විස්සක් හෝ ඊට වැඩි කාලයක් ගත වේ. පිරිමියෙකු පළමු මිනිත්තු කිහිපය ඇතුළත සම්පූර්ණ ලිංගික සංසර්ගයට සූදානම් විය හැකි වුවත්, ඔහුට තම බිරිඳ මිනිත්තු විස්සක් හෝ ඊට වැඩි කාලයක් ගෙන ඇය සූදානම් වන තෙක් හුදෙක් කතා කර, ස්පර්ශ කර, අතගා සිටීමෙන් පසු වඩාත් ප්‍රතිග්‍රාහක බව සොයාගනු ඇත. මම මෙම සරල කරුණ මිතුරෙකු සමඟ ඔහුගේ විවාහයට පෙර බෙදාගත් අතර, ඔහු තම මධුසමයෙන් ආපසු පැමිණි විට, මෙම කරුණ දැනගැනීම ඔහු තම නව බිරිඳ සමඟ ලිංගිකත්වයට ප්‍රවේශ වූ ආකාරය හා ඔවුන් දෙදෙනාගේ එහි අත්දැකීම කෙරෙහි විශාල වෙනසක් ඇති කළ බව ඔහු කීවේය. ඔබට ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා හා දේවමය ආදරය කිරීම ගැන වැඩිදුර ඉගෙනීමට හැකි වන පිණිස මම ඔබට නිර්දේශ කරන ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන එක් පොතක් ඇත්නම්, එය ආචාර්ය එඩ් සහ ගේ වීට්ලාගේ පොත වන, Intended For Pleasure (ප්‍රීතිය සඳහා අභිප්‍රේත) වනු ඇත.
5. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මිනිසුන් ආදරය කිරීමට නිර්මාණය කළ අද්විතීය ක්‍රමය හඳුනා ගන්න. මිනිසුන් මුහුණට මුහුණ ලිංගික සංසර්ගයේ නියැලිය හැකි එකම ජීවීන් බව ඔබ දැන සිටියාද? අපගේ ශරීර ලිංගිකව සම්බන්ධ වීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ නිර්මාණය කළ ආකාරය ඊටත් වඩා අගය කිරීමට මට උපකාර කළ, වීට්ලාගේ පොතෙන් මා ඉගෙන ගත් බොහෝ කරුණුවලින් එකක් මෙයයි. ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන බොහෝ පොත් යුවළකට උත්සාහ කළ හැකි විවිධ ලිංගික ඉරියව් ගැන විස්තරාත්මකව කතා කළද, සියල්ලටම වඩා පැහැදිලි ඉරියව්වලින් එකකින් — ඔබේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ සමඟ මුහුණට මුහුණ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මිනිසුන්ට පමණක් වෙන් කර ඇති ඉරියව්වකින් — ආදරය කිරීම කුඩා දෙයක් යැයි නොසිතන්න.
6. සෑම දිනකම එකිනෙකා වෙනුවෙන් යාච්ඤා කරන්න. අපගේ විවාහයේ ආරම්භයේ සිට ලානාත් මමත් කර ඇති එක් සරල දෙයක් නම්, අපට හැකි සෑම විටම එකට එකවර නින්දට යාමත්, නින්දට යාමට පෙර සෑම රාත්‍රියකම හඬ නඟා එකිනෙකා වෙනුවෙන් යාච්ඤා කිරීමත්ය. යාච්ඤාව අවශ්‍ය අපගේ ජීවිතවල වැදගත් දේවල් ගැන අප බෙදාගන්නා විට, එකිනෙකා ඊටත් වඩා හොඳින් දැනගැනීමට මෙය අපට උපකාර කර ඇත. දවස තුළ අප අතර යම් ආතතියක් තිබුණේ නම් නිතිපතා “වාතය පිරිසිදු කිරීමට” මෙන්ම යාච්ඤාවෙන් එකිනෙකා ආවරණය කිරීමටද එය අපට ඉඩ දෙයි, බයිබලය අප සැමට එසේ කරන ලෙස දිරිගන්වන පරිදි: “ඔබ තවමත් කෝපයෙන් සිටියදී හිරු බැස නොයන්න…” (එපීස 4:26ආ). මෙම ආධ්‍යාත්මික සමීපත්වයේ කාලය බොහෝ විට භෞතික සමීපත්වයේ කාලයකට පූර්විකාවකි.

අපගේ ආදරය කිරීම ජීවය දෙන එකක් විය හැක, විය යුතුය, කිසිදු ආකාරයකින් විනාශකාරී නොවේ. යේසුස් වහන්සේ කී පරිදි:

“සොරා [සාතන්] පැමිණෙන්නේ සොරකම් කිරීමට, මැරීමට හා විනාශ කිරීමට පමණි; මම පැමිණියේ ඔවුන්ට ජීවනය, එය පූර්ණ ලෙස ලැබෙන පිණිසය” (යොහන් 10:10).

ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා ගැඹුරින් හා සමීපව දැනගැනීමෙන්, ඔබට එවැනි පූර්ණ හා බහුල ජීවිතයක් අත්විඳිය හැකි තවත් ක්‍රමයක් මෙය විය හැක. තවද ඊළඟ පරිච්ඡේදයේ ඔබ දකින පරිදි, එය වෙනත් ආකාරවලින්ද ජීවිතයේ බහුලත්වයක් ගෙන ආ හැක!’

සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න

1. ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා විස්තර කිරීමට බයිබලය භාවිතා කරන “යාඩා” යන හෙබ්‍රෙව් වචනය පිටුපස ඇති අර්ථය කුමක්ද? (උත්පත්ති 4:1 හි භාවිතා කර ඇති පරිදි, NKJV) 

2. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප ලිංගික සම්බන්ධතා හෝ විවාහයේ නියැලීමට කැමති නැති, බයිබලයේ ලැයිස්තුගත කර ඇති අය කවුරුන්ද? (2 කොරින්ති 6:14, 1 රාජාවලිය 11:2, ලෙවී කථාව 18)

3. ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන් හා භාර්යාවන් එකිනෙකාගේ  ශරීර සලකන ලෙස දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති වන්නේ කෙසේද? (එපීස 5:28-30)

4. ලිංගික සමීපත්වයටද යෙදිය හැකි, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප එකිනෙකා සලකනු ඇතැයි කැමති අමතර ක්‍රම කිහිපයක් මොනවාද? (එපීස 5:33, 1 කොරින්ති 13:4-7, 1 කොරින්ති 7:3-5)

හයවන පරිච්ඡේදය

දරුවන් ආශීර්වාද ලෙස දැකීම

“දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට ආශීර්වාද කර ඔවුන්ට මෙසේ පැවසුවේය, ‘සශ්‍රීක වී සංඛ්‍යාවෙන් වැඩි වන්න.’”
උත්පත්ති 1:28

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබට ආශීර්වාද කිරීමට කැමති නම්, එම ආශීර්වාද පෙනෙන්නේ කෙබඳුදැයි ඔබ සිතන්නේද? ඒවා ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම ටිකක් ඔබ වගේම පෙනුණොත් පුදුම වෙන්න එපා!

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ “ආශීර්වාද කළ” පළමු මිනිසුන් යැයි බයිබලය පවසන ආදම් හා ඒව්ට, ඔවුන්ගේ ආශීර්වාදය ගන්නා ස්වරූපය දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට කීවේය: “දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට ආශීර්වාද කර ඔවුන්ට මෙසේ පැවසුවේය, ‘සශ්‍රීක වී සංඛ්‍යාවෙන් වැඩි වන්න’” (උත්පත්ති 1:28). දෙවියන් වහන්සේට ඔවුන්ට ආශීර්වාද කර, “මෙන්න, නිවාඩු නිවාස හතරක් පහක් ගන්න!” හෝ “මෙන්න, මිල කළ නොහැකි මෝටර් රථ නවයක් දහයක් ගන්න!” යැයි කිව හැකිව තිබුණි. නමුත් ඒ වෙනුවට උන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට ආශීර්වාද කර කීවේය, “මෙන්න, දරුවන් පොදියක් ගන්න!” මුල් බැල්මට, එය ආශීර්වාදයක්ද ශාපයක්ද යැයි සමහරු කල්පනා කරන්නට පුළුවන! 

නමුත් බයිබලයේ මුල සිට අග දක්වා හෙළිදරව් වන පරිදි දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ හදවත තුළට ගැඹුරින් බැලීමකින් පෙනෙන්නේ, දරුවන් උන් වහන්සේගෙන් වූ ආශීර්වාද ලෙස සැලකෙන බවයි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ බයිබලයේ කෙනෙකුට ආශීර්වාද කිරීමට කැමති වූ විට, එම ආශීර්වාදය බොහෝ විට දරුවෙකුගේ ස්වරූපය ගත්තේය.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ආදම් හා ඒව්ට “ආශීර්වාද” කර, සශ්‍රීක වී බෝ වන්නැයි කී විට, ඔවුන් එසේ කළහ — එක් දරුවෙක්, ඉන්පසු දෙදෙනෙක්, ඉන්පසු තිදෙනෙක්, ඉන්පසු “වෙනත් පුත්‍රයන් හා දූවරුන්” (උත්පත්ති 5:4 බලන්න).

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ආබ්‍රහම් හා සාරාට “ආශීර්වාද” කළ විට, උන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට දරුවෙකු දී, ඔවුන්ගේ පරම්පරාව දිනක් “අහසේ තරු මෙන් හා මුහුදු වෙරළේ වැලි මෙන් අනන්ත” වනු ඇතැයි ඔවුන්ට කීවේය (උත්පත්ති 22:17-18 බලන්න).

යෝබ් විඳි සියලු ඛේදවාචකයෙන් පසු දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔහුට “ආශීර්වාද” කළ විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔහුට සියලු ආකාරයේ “දේවල්” — සහ දරුවන් දස දෙනෙකු දුන්හ! එම දරුවන්ට තමන්ගේම දරුවන් සිටි අතර, ඔවුන්ට තමන්ගේම දරුවන් සිටි අතර, ඔවුන්ට තමන්ගේම දරුවන් සිටියහ. යෝබ්ට අවසානයේ “තම දරුවන් හා ඔවුන්ගේ දරුවන් සිව්වන පරම්පරාව දක්වා” දැකීමට හැකි විය (යෝබ් 42:12-16 බලන්න).

වඩාත් ආශීර්වාද ලත් ලිංගික ජීවිතයක් ගත කරන්නේ කෙසේද යන්න ගැන කතා කරන බොහෝ ස්වයං-උපකාරක පොත්, ලිංගිකත්වයෙන් ඇති වන දරුවන්ගේ ආශීර්වාද ගැන කලාතුරකින්, කවදා හෝ, සඳහන් කරන බව මම දැක ඇත්තෙමි. නමුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණයෙන්, ලිංගිකත්වයේ ආශීර්වාදය හා දරුවන්ගේ ආශීර්වාදය එකට යයි, එය අප නැවත මුලින්ම දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය නිර්මාණය කළ ද්විත්ව අරමුණු වෙත සම්පූර්ණ කවයක් ලෙස ගෙන එයි: සමීපත්වය හා ඵලදායීත්වය සඳහා.

මෙයින් අදහස් වන්නේ අපට දරුවන් නැත්නම්, හෝ අපට එක් දරුවෙකු හෝ දරුවන් කිහිප දෙනෙකු පමණක් ඇත්නම් අප දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් ආශීර්වාද නොලබන බව නොවේ. මම බයිබලය කියවා ඇති පරිදි, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කිසිවෙකුට ප්‍රශස්ත දරුවන් සංඛ්‍යාවක් නොදෙයි. සාරාට එකෙක් සිටියහ, රෙබෙකාට දෙදෙනෙක් සිටියහ, ඒව්ට බොහෝ දෙනෙක් සිටියහ — යේසුස් වහන්සේට කිසිවෙක් නොසිටියහ. මම බයිබලයේ සොයාගන්නා දේ නම්, මෙම එක් එක් අය, තමන්ට කීදෙනෙක් සිටියද, කිසිවෙක් සිටියද, දරුවන් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් වූ ආශීර්වාද ලෙස දුටු බවයි.

නමුත් දරුවන් ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ මානසිකත්වය ලබා ගැනීම සැමවිටම ස්වාභාවිකව සිදු නොවේ. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ මානසිකත්වය ලබා ගැනීම

මට වයස දොළහක් පමණ වන විට, වෙනත් රටකින් හුවමාරු ශිෂ්‍යාවක් අපගේ පවුල සමඟ ජීවත් වූවාය. ඇය ඇගේ පවුල ගැනත්, ඇය හා ඇගේ සහෝදර සහෝදරියන් දස දෙනා අප දිළිඳුකම ලෙස සලකන තත්ත්වයක කුඩා නිවසක ජීවත් වූ ආකාරය ගැනත් අපට කී විට, අපට ඇය ගැන අනුකම්පාවක් ඇති විය. අපගේ පවුලේ දරුවන් තිදෙනෙක් සිටි අතර, සැසඳීමේදී අපට ධනවත් බවක් දැනුණි. ඇගේ පියා අප ගැන අනුකම්පා කළ බව පසුව ඇසීම කෙතරම් කම්පනයක්ද වූයේ! එම පවුල කෙතරම් දිළිඳු විය යුතුද, ඔහු සිතුවේය, මෙතරම් අඩු දරුවන් ගණනක් සිටීමට.

ධනවත් වීම යනු කුමක්ද, දිළිඳු වීම යනු කුමක්ද යන්න පිළිබඳ මාගේ අර්ථ දැක්වීම මට නැවත සිතීමට සිදු විය! වසර කිහිපයකට පසු, මම ලානා විවාහ කර ගැනීමට යන විට, මාගේ අර්ථ දැක්වීම ඊටත් වඩා නැවත සිතීමට මට සිදු විය!

ලානාත් මමත් අපගේ අනාගතය ගැන කතා කරන විට, ඇය දරුවන් දොළොස් දෙනෙකු ලබා ගැනීමට කැමති බව ඇය මට කීවාය! ඇය නවදෙනෙකුගේ පවුලකින් පැමිණි අතර, සෙල්ලම් කිරීමට වැඩි දරුවන් පිරිසක් අවට සිටියා නම් යැයි ඇය සැමවිටම ප්‍රාර්ථනා කළ බව කීවාය. දරුවන් තිදෙනෙකුගේ මාගේ පවුලේ, නිවසේ සාමය හා නිශ්ශබ්දතාව මට පමණක් තිබූ සෑම විටම මම සතුටු වීමි. කවුරුන් හෝ කෙනෙකුගේ මානසිකත්වය වෙනස් වීමට සිදු වන්නට යමින් තිබුණි!

අපගේ විවාහය මාස කිහිපයකින් සමීප වන විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප ලබා ගැනීමට උන් වහන්සේ කැමති නිශ්චිත දරුවන් සංඛ්‍යාව අපට දෙන ලෙස මම යාච්ඤා කිරීමට පටන් ගතිමි. දරුවන් හය දෙනෙකුට පසුව, මම තවමත් යාච්ඤා කරමි! 

දරුවන් පිළිබඳ විෂය ගැන මම බයිබලය කියවීමට පටන් ගත් විට, පුද්ගලයාට පසු පුද්ගලයා දරුවන් ආශීර්වාද ලෙස දුටු බව මම දැකීමට පටන් ගතිමි.

සලමොන් රජු දරුවන් ගැන ලියූ විට, ඔහු කීවේය, “තම හීවැල ඔවුන්ගෙන් පිරී ඇති මිනිසා ආශීර්වාද ලත්තේය” (ගීතාවලිය 127:5අ). මරියා තමා යේසුස් වහන්සේ පිළිසිඳ ඇති බව දැනගත් විට, ඇය කීවාය, “මෙතැන් සිට සියලු පරම්පරා මට ආශීර්වාද ලත් යැයි කියනු ඇත…” (ලූක් 1:48ආ). කුඩා දරුවන් කිහිප දෙනෙක් යේසුස් වහන්සේ වෙත පැමිණි විට, ගෝලයන් ඔවුන්ව “එළවා” දැමීමට උත්සාහ කළහ. යේසුස් වහන්සේ මෙම සම්භාව්‍ය වචනවලින් පිළිතුරු දුන්හ, “කුඩා දරුවන්ට මා වෙත එන්නට දෙන්න, ඔවුන්ට බාධා නොකරන්න, මක්නිසාද ස්වර්ග රාජ්‍යය මොවුන් වැනි අයට අයත් වේ” (මතෙව් 19:14). අපට එක් දරුවෙකු, දරුවන් දස දෙනෙකු හෝ දරුවන් නොසිටියද, දරුවන් කෙරෙහි අපගේ හදවත් උන් වහන්සේගේ මෙන් වීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමතිය: ඔවුන් උන් වහන්සේගෙන් වූ ආශීර්වාද ලෙසත්, උන් වහන්සේට ආශීර්වාද  ලෙසත්.

මම විවාහ වූ විට දරුවන් කෙරෙහි වූ මාගේ මානසිකත්වය වෙනස් වීමට පටන් ගත්තද, අවංකවම කිවහොත්, ලානා අපගේ තෙවන දරුවා පිළිසිඳ ගන්නා තෙක් මාගේ හදවත එයට සමීප නොවීය. පළමු දෙදෙනා ගැන මම සතුටු නොවූ නිසා නොවේ! නමුත් පළමු ගැබ්ගැනීමේදී කුමක් අපේක්ෂා කළ යුතුද යන අවිනිශ්චිතතාව නිසාත්, දෙවැන්නේදී ලානා මුල් අවධියේ අත්විඳි සෞඛ්‍ය සංකූලතා නිසාත්, අවසානයේ විවේක ගෙන දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මට ආශීර්වාද කරමින් සිටින බව සැබවින්ම දැනීමට මට හැකි වූයේ තෙවන ගැබ්ගැනීම දක්වා නොවේ. ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම, ලානා තෙවන වරට පිළිසිඳ ඇති බව මම දැනගත් විට එය මට කෙතරම් ප්‍රබලව දැනුණේද යත්, අප අපගේ තෙවන දරුවාට “ආශීර්වාදය” යන අර්ථය ඇති නම් දෙකකින් නම් කිරීමට තීරණය කළෙමු — ද්විත්ව ආශීර්වාදයක්! අවසානයේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණයෙන් දරුවන්ගේ සැබෑ ආශීර්වාදය දැකීමට මට හැකි යැයි මට හැඟුණි.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආශීර්වාදය සමඟ ලිංගිකත්වය

ලිංගිකත්වය පිළිබඳ අපගේ දැක්ම දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ලිංගිකත්වය පිළිබඳ දැක්ම සමඟ වඩ වඩාත් ගැළපෙන විට, ලිංගිකත්වයෙන් එන ආශීර්වාද වඩාත් පැහැදිලි වේ. කේඩර් මිනිස්ට්‍රීස් හි නිර්මාතෘ බිල් ඇලිසන්, ඔහු යාබෙස්ගේ යාච්ඤාව යාච්ඤා කර දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් තම මායිම් පුළුල් කරන ලෙස ඉල්ලූ අවස්ථාවක් ගැන කතාව කියයි. ඔහුගේ බිරිඳ ඔවුන්ගේ හයවන දරුවා පිළිසිඳ ගත් විට, ඇය කීවාය, “ඔහු යාච්ඤා කළා, පුළුල් වුණේ මම!” 

දරුවන් ගැන දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ මානසිකත්වය තිබීම ලිංගිකත්වයේ සැබෑ අත්දැකීමද වෙනස් කළ හැක. ගැබ්ගැනීමේ බියෙන් තොරව, නමුත් ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම ඒ ගැන සිතමින් හා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් වූ ආශීර්වාදයක් ලෙස එය බලාපොරොත්තුවෙන් ඔබේ කලත්‍රයා සමඟ ආදරය කිරීම, ඔබව මවිතයට පත් කිරීමට ප්‍රමාණවත්ය. ඔබ කරමින් සිටින දේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ පූර්ණ දැනුම, කැමැත්ත, සහ ආශීර්වාදය සමඟ බව දැනගෙන, කිසිදු වැළැක්වීමක් නොමැති විට ලිංගිකත්වය වඩාත් විනෝදජනක හා වඩාත් උද්යෝගිමත් විය හැක.

මට නම්, ලානා ගැබ්ගෙන සිටි විට, අපගේ සමීපත්වයේ අවස්ථා ඒ තරමටම, නැතහොත් ඊටත් වඩා, ප්‍රීතිමත් වී ඇත. සමහරවිට එයට ඇය තුළ පිළිසිඳ ගත් දරුවා අපගේ ආදරය කිරීමේ ප්‍රතිඵලයක් ලෙස පිළිසිඳ ඇති බව දැනගැනීම සම්බන්ධ යමක් ඇත, ගැබ්ගැනීමේදී ඇගේ හෝමෝන දිනපතා දෙගුණ වන බව සඳහන් නොකළත්. 

අනෙක් අතට, කෙනෙක් නිසි ලෙස අසන්නට පුළුවන: “නමුත් දරුවන් රැකබලා ගැනීම බොහෝ වැඩක් නොවේද?” නියත වශයෙන්ම!

කවර ආකාරයක ආශීර්වාද වැඩි වන විට, වගකීම්ද වැඩි වේ. යේසුස් වහන්සේ මෙසේ කියයි:

“බොහෝ දෙනු ලැබූ සෑම කෙනෙකුගෙන්ම බොහෝ දේ ඉල්ලනු ඇත; තවද බොහෝ දේ භාර දෙනු ලැබූ අයගෙන් ඊටත් වඩා බොහෝ දේ ඉල්ලනු ඇත” (ලූක් 12:48ආ).

ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම නිවාඩු නිවාස දෙක තුනක් හෝ මෝටර් රථ දෙක තුනක් — නවයක් දහයක් තබා — හිමි ඕනෑම කෙනෙක් මෙම කරුණට සාක්ෂි දරනු ඇත. සියලු නඩත්තු, අලුත්වැඩියා, බදු, රක්ෂණ, සහ නිරන්තර කාල ආයෝජනය අතර, මෙම සියලු දේ වඩාත්ම උද්යෝගිමත් නිවෙස් හිමියාගෙන් හෝ මෝටර් රථ ලෝලියාගෙන් පවා ප්‍රීතිය සොරකම් කිරීමට තර්ජනය කළ හැක. ඔබේ ප්‍රීතිය රැක ගැනීමට යතුර නම්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණය ඔබේ මනසේ ඉදිරියෙන් තබා ගැනීමයි — සමහර දිනවල එය සුළුපටු කාර්යයක් නොවේ! — නමුත් බරක් ලෙස දැනෙන්නට පුළුවන් යමක් නැවත දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අභිප්‍රේත කළ ආශීර්වාදය බවට හැරවිය හැකි කාර්යයකි. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප ජීවිතය පිළිබඳ උන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණය ලබා ගැනීමට කැමතිය, එය සැමවිටම ස්වාභාවිකව නොපැමිණේ. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසන පරිදි:

“මක්නිසාද මාගේ සිතුවිලි ඔබේ සිතුවිලි නොවේ, ඔබේ මාර්ග මාගේ මාර්ග නොවේ,” යැයි ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ ප්‍රකාශ කරයි. “අහස පොළොවට වඩා උස් වන පරිදි, මාගේ මාර්ග ඔබේ මාර්ගවලට වඩාත්, මාගේ සිතුවිලි ඔබේ සිතුවිලිවලට වඩාත් උස්ය” (යෙසායා 55:8-9).

නමුත් අප උන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඉල්ලූ විට, උන් වහන්සේගේ සිතුවිලි හා මාර්ග සහ අපගේ ඒවා අතර පරතරය පියවා ගැනීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපට උපකාර කරනු ඇත. තවද උන් වහන්සේ එසේ කරන විට, එය ලෝකයේ සියලු වෙනස ඇති කළ හැක, මම ඊළඟ හා අවසාන ’ පරිච්ඡේදයේ බෙදාගන්නා පරිදි.

සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න

1. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ආදම් හා ඒව්ට ආශීර්වාද කළ විට, උන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන්ට ආශීර්වාද කළේ කුමකින්ද? (උත්පත්ති 1:28, උත්පත්ති 5:4) 

2. දරුවන් ආශීර්වාද ලෙස දුටු බයිබලයේ වෙනත් උදාහරණ කිහිපයක් මොනවාද? (උත්පත්ති 22:17-18, යෝබ් 42:12-16, ගීතාවලිය 127:5, ලූක් 1:48) 

3. දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආශීර්වාද වැඩි වන විට වැඩි වන අනෙක් දෙය කුමක්ද? (ලූක් 12:48) 

4. දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ සිතුවිලි හා මාර්ගවලට සාපේක්ෂව අපගේ සිතුවිලි හා මාර්ග කෙතරම් වෙනස්ද? (යෙසායා 55:8-9)

හත්වන පරිච්ඡේදය

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇති කරන වෙනස

“එබැවින් මාගේ මෙම වචනවලට සවන් දී ඒවා ක්‍රියාවට නංවන සෑම කෙනෙකුම, ගල මත තම නිවස ගොඩනැගූ ප්‍රඥාවන්ත මිනිසෙකු වැනිය.”
මතෙව් 7:24

මට ඔබට කීමට තවත් බොහෝ දේ ඇත. ’දෙවියන් වහන්සේට ඔබට කීමට තවත් බොහෝ දේ ඇත! නමුත් ’දෙවියන් වහන්සේට ඔබට කීමට තවත් බොහෝ දේ තිබෙතැයි මම බලාපොරොත්තු වෙමි! නමුත් මම මෙතෙක් ඔබට කී දේ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන අන් සියල්ල සඳහා ඔබට හොඳ පදනමක් ලබා දෙතැයි මම බලාපොරොත්තු වෙමි. 

මට මෙහි ආමන්ත්‍රණය කළ හැකි, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ බයිබලයේ ආමන්ත්‍රණය කරන තවත් බොහෝ කරුණු ඇතත්, මම මෙතෙක් ආවරණය කර ඇති ඒවා  අනෙක් බොහෝ ඒවා තැනට ගැනීමට උපකාර වනු ඇතැයි මට හැඟේ. 

සුවිශේෂකයෙකු වූ D. L. මූඩි කීවේය, “සැරයටියක් ඇද බව පෙන්වීමට හොඳම ක්‍රමය නම්, ඒ ගැන තර්ක කිරීම හෝ එය හෙළා දැකීමට කාලය ගත කිරීම නොව, ඒ අසල ඍජු සැරයටියක් තැබීමයි.”¹ ඔබ ලිංගිකත්වයට අදාළ වෙනත් කරුණුවලට මුහුණ දෙන විට මෙම පොත ඔබට “ඍජු සැරයටියක්” ලෙස සේවය කරනු ඇතැයි මම බලාපොරොත්තු වෙමි. 

මෙතෙක් මෙම පොතෙන් ඔබට ලැබී ඇතැයි මම බලාපොරොත්තු වන ප්‍රධාන කරුණු කිහිපයක සාරාංශයක් මෙන්න:

1. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය නිර්මාණය කළේ සමීපත්වය හා ඵලදායීත්වය යන ද්විත්ව අරමුණු සඳහාය. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මිනිසුන්ට ආදරය කරයි, උන් වහන්සේ ඔවුන් තනිව සිටීමට කැමති නැත. ලිංගිකත්වය හරහා, උන් වහන්සේ තම හදවතේ ආශාවන් ඉටු කර ගැනීමට, ඒ අතරම අපගේ හදවත්වල ආශාවන් ඉටු කිරීමට මාර්ගයක් සලසා ඇත. 
2. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප විවාහයට පෙර හා විවාහය තුළ පිරිසිදුව සිටීමට කැමතිය. අප යමෙකු විවාහ කර ගන්නා දිනය තෙක් ඔවුන් වෙනත් කෙනෙකුගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ මෙන් සලකන ලෙස දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප කැමතිය, මක්නිසාද එම දිනය තෙක්, ඔවුන් තවමත් එසේ විය හැකි නිසාය. 
3. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප පරීක්ෂාවෙන් පලා යාමට කැමතිය. පරීක්ෂාවට ලක්වීම කෙබඳුදැයි දෙවියන් වහන්සේ දනී, තවද අප එය සොයා ගෙන ගන්නේ නම් උන් වහන්සේ අපට සැමවිටම පරීක්ෂාවෙන් පිටවීමේ මාර්ගයක් සලසනු ඇත. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප අපගේ ශරීර පාලනය කිරීමට, පරීක්ෂාවට එරෙහිව යාච්ඤා කිරීමට, සහ එයින් පලා යාමට ඉගෙන ගැනීමට කැමතිය! 
4. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප නැවත පිරිසිදු වීමට හැකි වන පිණිස අපගේ පාප පාපොච්චාරණය කිරීමට කැමතිය. අප පව් කරන විට සාතන් අප පහත් කර තබා ගැනීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ කැමති නැත. අපගේ පාප උන් වහන්සේට පාපොච්චාරණය කර යේසුස් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාසය තැබීමෙන්, උන් වහන්සේ අප කැඳවා ඇති ජීවිතය, මෙහි පොළොවේත් ස්වර්ගයටත්, ජීවත් වීමට හැකි වන පිණිස අපගේ පාපවලට සමාව දීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පොරොන්දු වේ.
5. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප අපගේ කලත්‍රයා සමීපව හා නිතිපතා දැනගැනීමට කැමතිය. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප වෙනුවෙන් නිර්මාණය කළ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හෝ බිරිඳ, විවාහයට පෙරත් පසුවත්, දැනගැනීමට කාලය ගැනීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප කැමතිය. අප ඔවුන් වඩාත් හොඳින් දන්නා තරමට, ඔවුන් සැබවින්ම වන දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් වූ තෑගි ලෙස වඩාත් හොඳින් සැලකිය හැක.
6. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප දරුවන් ආශීර්වාද ලෙස දැකීමට කැමතිය. දරුවන් කෙරෙහි උන් වහන්සේගේ මානසිකත්වය අපට දෙන ලෙස දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඉල්ලීමෙන්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපට කීදෙනෙකු, කිසිවෙකු හෝ, දුන්නද, උන් වහන්සේගේ ආශීර්වාද අත්විඳීම වැළැක්විය නොහැක.

මම අවසන් කිරීමට පෙර, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දේ මම අවසානයේ ක්‍රියාවට නැංවූ විට උන් වහන්සේ මාගේ ජීවිතයේ ඇති කළ වඩාත්ම ගැඹුරු වෙනස ඔබ සමඟ බෙදාගැනීමට මම කැමතියි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අප ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දේ දැනගැනීමට කැමති බවට කිසිදු සැකයක් නැත. නමුත් උන් වහන්සේ පවසන දේ දැනගැනීම හා එය ක්‍රියාවට නැංවීම වෙනස් දේ දෙකකි. යේසුස් වහන්සේ එය මෙසේ කීහ:

“එබැවින් මාගේ මෙම වචනවලට සවන් දී ඒවා ක්‍රියාවට නංවන සෑම කෙනෙකුම, ගල මත තම නිවස ගොඩනැගූ ප්‍රඥාවන්ත මිනිසෙකු වැනිය. වැස්ස වැටුණි, දිය පහරවල් නැගුණි, සුළං හමා එම නිවසට පහර දුන්නි; එහෙත් එය නොවැටුණේය, මක්නිසාද එහි පදනම ගල මත තිබූ නිසාය. නමුත් මාගේ මෙම වචනවලට සවන් දී ඒවා ක්‍රියාවට නොනංවන සෑම කෙනෙකුම, වැලි මත තම නිවස ගොඩනැගූ අඥාන මිනිසෙකු වැනිය. වැස්ස වැටුණි, දිය පහරවල් නැගුණි, සුළං හමා එම නිවසට පහර දුන්නි, එය මහත් හඬකින් කඩා වැටුණේය” (මතෙව් 7:24-27).

ලොග් කොටයක් මත වාඩි වී සිටි ගෙම්බන් පස් දෙනෙකුගෙන් එක් අයෙක් පැන යාමට තීරණය කළ කතාව ඔබ අසා ඇද්ද? ලොග් කොටය මත තවමත් ඉතිරිව සිටියේ ගෙම්බන් කී දෙනෙක්ද? පස් දෙනාම! ඔවුන්ගෙන් එක් අයෙක් පැන යාමට තීරණය කර තිබුණේ පමණි.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසන දේ කිරීමට තීරණය කිරීම එක් දෙයකි; විශ්වාසයේ පිම්ම පැන ඇත්ත වශයෙන්ම එය කිරීම තවත් දෙයකි. නමුත් ඔබ එය කරන විට, අල්ලාගෙන සිටින්න! දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබට ඉල්ලීමට හෝ සිතාගැනීමට හැකි සියල්ලටම වඩා වැඩිය ඔබ වෙනුවෙන් කරනු ඇත.

මම දනිමි, මක්නිසාද මම එම පිම්ම මගේම ගෙන ඇති නිසාය.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මා වෙනුවෙන් ඇති කළ වෙනස

දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් මා ඉගෙන ගෙන මෙම පොතෙහි බෙදාගෙන ඇති දේ නොවන්නට, මාගේ දරුවන් අද මෙහි නොසිටින්නට ඉඩ තිබූ බව මෙම පොතේ කැපකිරීමේ මම සඳහන් කළෙමි. මම විහිළු කළේ නැත!

මම මාගේම ආශාවන් වෙනුවෙන් ජීවත් වෙමින්, යහපත් යැයි දැනුණු ඕනෑම දෙයක් කරමින් සිටියදී, මම එය දැනගෙන පවා නොසිට විනාශය දෙසට යන මාර්ගයක සිටියෙමි. මම මාගේ ආශාවන් මා ගෙන ගිය ඕනෑම තැනකට අනුගමනය කරමින් සිටියෙමි. 

විද්‍යාලයේ වසර කිහිපයක්, මාගේ ආශාවන් මාව සමලිංගිකත්වයටද, වෙනත් පිරිමින් සමඟ ලිංගිකව සමීප වීමටද ගෙන ගියේය. මෙම සම්බන්ධතා වෙනත් පිරිමින් සමඟ සමීප මිත්‍රත්වයන් සඳහා මට තිබූ වලංගු අවශ්‍යතාවක් ඉටු කරන බවක් පෙනුණි. එම අවශ්‍යතාව මම ඉටු කරමින් සිටි ආකාරය දෙවියන් වහන්සේ එය ඉටු කිරීමට කැමති වූ ආකාරය නොවන බව මම තේරුම් නොගතිමි. මම හුදෙක් විනෝද වෙමින් සිටියෙමි, මෙය මාගේ ජීවිතයට ඉදිරිපත් කළ අනතුර හෝ මෙය මාගේ අනාගතය සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ සැලැස්මට ඉදිරිපත් කළ අනතුර තේරුම් නොගතිමි.

ඒඩ්ස් යන යෙදුම එවකට, බොහෝ සමලිංගික පිරිමින් එකිනෙකා සමඟ තම ලිංගික ක්‍රියාකාරකම්වලින් ලබා ගනිමින් සිටි මාරාන්තික තත්ත්වය විස්තර කිරීමට වූ නව වචනයක් විය. මට ඒඩ්ස් වැළඳිය හැකි බව, වසර කිහිපයකට පසු, මම ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාසය තැබූ දින කිහිපයකට පසු තෙක්, මට කිසිදා නොසිතුණි. නමුත් එම සතියේම, කවුරුන් හෝ මගෙන් ඇසුවේ මම කවදා හෝ ඒඩ්ස් සඳහා පරීක්ෂා කර ඇද්ද කියාය. මම නොකර තිබුණි, එබැවින් මම පරීක්ෂණයකට ගියෙමි. එවිටයි එය මට වැටහුණේ: මම කරමින් සිටි දේ හුදෙක් විනෝදය හා සෙල්ලම ගැන පමණක් නොව, ජීවිතය හා මරණය ගැන විය. ඊළඟ සතියේ, පරීක්ෂණයේ ප්‍රතිඵල ලැබෙන තෙක් මම බලා සිටියදී, මම මාගේ ජීවිතය ගැන බියෙන් සිටියෙමි. මම මාගේ ආත්මය ගැන බියෙන් නොසිටියෙමි, මක්නිසාද මම දැනටමත් ක්‍රිස්තුස් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාසය තබා තිබූ නිසාය. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මට සමාව දී ඇති බවත්, මම මිය ගියත් උන් වහන්සේ මාව ස්වර්ගයේ උන් වහන්සේ සමඟ ජීවත් වීමට ගෙන යන බවත් මම දැන සිටියෙමි. නමුත් මට මැරෙන්නට අවශ්‍ය නොවීය. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මාව ජීවත් වීමට නිර්මාණය කළ හැකිතාක් පූර්ණ ජීවිතය ජීවත් වීමට මට අවශ්‍ය විය.

ඔවුන් මට ප්‍රතිඵල දුන් විට මාගේ සහනය ඔබට සිතාගත හැක: මට ඒඩ්ස් නොතිබුණි. අන් අය, ක්‍රිස්තියානීන් වේවා නොවේවා, බේරී නොසිටියදී මම බේරුණේ ඇයිදැයි මම නොදනිමි. එය මම එයට සුදුසු වූ නිසා නම් නොවේ. නමුත් හේතුව කුමක් වුවත්, දැන් මට ජීවිතයේ තවත් අවස්ථාවක් ඇති බව මම දැන සිටියෙමි. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මාව මරණයේ මාර්ගයෙන් ඔසවා ජීවිතයේ මාර්ගය මත, බහුල ජීවිතය මත, තැබූ බවක් මට දැනුණි. 

මෙම නව මාර්ගයේ, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපගේ ලිංගික සමීපත්වයේ ප්‍රතිඵලයක් ලෙස මට බිරිඳක් හා දරුවන් හය දෙනෙකු දී ඇත — බහුල ජීවිතය!

ඔබේම සැලැස්ම වෙනුවට ඔබේ ජීවිතය සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ සැලැස්ම අනුගමනය කිරීමෙන් කුමන වෙනසක් ඇති කළ හැකිද? මට, මාගේ බිරිඳට, සහ කිසිදා උපදින්නට නොතිබූ අපගේ දරුවන් හය දෙනාට, එය ලෝකයේ සියලු වෙනස ඇති කර ඇත.

ඔබ වෙනුවෙන් දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ ආශීර්වාදය

සුවිශේෂකයෙකු වූ බිලී ග්‍රැහැම් වරක් අපගේ ලිංගික ජීවිතවල දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇති කරන වෙනස පිළිබඳ පැහැදිලි හා සංක්ෂිප්ත සාරාංශයක් දුන්නේය: 

“දෙවියන් වහන්සේ එහි සිටින තාක්, ලිංගිකත්වය මෙම පොළොවේ වඩාත්ම අපූර්ව දෙයයි. යක්ෂයා එහි පිවිසෙන විට, එය පොළොවේ වඩාත්ම භයානක දෙයයි.”²

මම මීට වඩා එකඟ විය නොහැක. යම් හේතුවක් නිසා ලිංගිකත්වය කවදා හෝ ඔබට පොළොවේ වඩාත්ම භයානක දේවලින් එකක් බවට පත් වන්නේ නම්, හෝ දැනටමත් පත් වී ඇත්නම්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ වෙත හැරෙමින් හා ඔබේ ජීවිතයේ සියල්ල සඳහා උන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි විශ්වාසය තබමින් සිටීමට මම ඔබව දිරිගැන්වීමට කැමතියි. ලිංගිකත්වය දෙස බැලීමට හා අත්විඳීමට උන් වහන්සේ ඔබ කැමති ආකාරය පිළිබඳ නව දැක්මක් ඔබට දෙන ලෙස උන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඉල්ලන්න. ඔබට තවදුරටත් බලා සිටීමට නොහැකි තරම් බොහෝ දේ අවදානමට ලක්ව ඇත — ඔබ වෙනුවෙන්, ඔබ අවට සිටින අය වෙනුවෙන්, සහ තවමත් උපදින්නට නැති අය වෙනුවෙන්. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබව ඔසවා උන් වහන්සේගේ බහුල ජීවිතයේ මාර්ගය මත තැබීමට,  ඔබව එම මාර්ගයේ තබා ගැනීමට උන් වහන්සේගේ ශුද්ධාත්මය එවීමට, සහ ඔබට ඉල්ලීමට හෝ සිතාගැනීමට හැකි සියල්ලටම වඩා ඔබේ ජීවිතයට ආශීර්වාද කිරීමට ඉල්ලන්න.

ඔබ එසේ කරන විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ විශ්වාසවන්ත බව ඔබ දකිනු ඇත. ඔබ උන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි ප්‍රීති වන විට, උන් වහන්සේ ඔබට ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් දෙනු ඇත. එය දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ වචනයෙන් කෙළින්ම පැමිණි පොරොන්දුවකි: 

“ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි ප්‍රීති වන්න, එවිට උන් වහන්සේ ඔබට ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාවන් දෙනු ඇත” (ගීතාවලිය 37:4).

තවද එය ඔබ වෙනුවෙන් වූ මාගේ හෘදයාංගම යාච්ඤාවයි.

“උන් වහන්සේ ඔබට ඔබේ හදවතේ ආශාව දේවා ඔබේ සියලු සැලසුම් සාර්ථක කරාවා. ඔබ ජයගත් විට අප ප්‍රීතියෙන් ඔල්වරසන් දෙන්නෙමු අපගේ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ නාමයෙන් අපගේ කොඩි ඔසවන්නෙමු. ස්වාමීන් වහන්සේ ඔබේ සියලු ඉල්ලීම් ඉටු කරාවා.”

ගීතාවලිය 20:4-5

සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න

1. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ බයිබලයේ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන පවසන දේවල් අවම වශයෙන් තුනක් ඔබ සාරාංශ කරන්නේ කෙසේද? 

2. දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසන දේට සවන් දෙන අය හා දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසන දේ කරන අය අතර වෙනස කුමක් වනු ඇතැයි යේසුස් වහන්සේ කීවේද? (මතෙව් 7:24-27) 

3. ලිංගිකත්වය පිළිබඳ දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ දෘෂ්ටිකෝණය ලබා ගැනීම කතුවරයාගේ ජීවිතයේ කුමන වෙනසක් ඇති කළේද? 

4. ඔබ උන් වහන්සේ කෙරෙහි ප්‍රීති වන්නේ නම් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඔබට දීමට පොරොන්දු වන දේ කුමක්ද? (ගීතාවලිය 37:4) 

අන්තිම සටහන්:

¹ Love is the Greatest (ආදරය ශ්‍රේෂ්ඨතමයි), ජෝර්ජ් ස්වීටිං, පි. 81

² Just As I Am (මම සිටින ලෙසින්ම), බිලී ග්‍රැහැම්, පි. 244

උපග්‍රන්ථය

ලිංගිකත්වය කියන්නේ මොකක්ද?

“මේ නිසා මිනිසෙක් තම පියා හා මව හැර දමා තම බිරිඳ සමඟ එක් වන අතර, ඔවුන් එක් මාංශයක් වනු ඇත.”
උත්පත්ති 2:24

ලිංගිකත්වය යනු, ශාක, ගස් හා සතුන්ගේ සිට, පක්ෂීන්, මසුන් හා මිනිසුන් දක්වා, බොහෝ ජීවීන් ප්‍රජනනය වන ක්‍රියාවලියයි.

ලිංගිකත්වය දෙවියන් වහන්සේගේ මනසේ කවදත් පිළිසිඳ ගත් වඩාත්ම විස්මිත ක්‍රියාවලීන්ගෙන් එකකි. මම මාගේ එක් එක් දරුවාගේ උපතේදී සිටි අතර, දරුවෙකු උපදින ආකාරය මවිතයට පත් කරන සුළුය. නමුත් මම මාගේ එක් එක් දරුවා පිළිසිඳ ගැනීමේදීද සිටියෙමි, ඔවුන් නිර්මාණය වූ එම මොහොතේ, තවද මුලින්ම දරුවෙකු පිළිසිඳ ගන්නා ආකාරය සමානවම මවිතයට පත් කරන සුළු බව, නැතහොත් ඊටත් වඩා, මට කිව හැක!

ස්වභාවධර්මයේ නිර්මාණය හරහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපට හෙළිදරව් කර ඇති පරිදි, එම ක්‍රියාවලිය මම මෙහිදී ඔබට විස්තර කිරීමට කැමතියි. මම මෙම ක්‍රියාවලිය සරල ආකාරයකින් විස්තර කිරීමට මහත් සැලකිල්ලක් දක්වා ඇතත්, මාගේ සරල විස්තරය සරල ක්‍රියාවලියක් ලෙස වරදවා නොසිතන්න. මානව ප්‍රජනන පද්ධතිය කවදත් නිර්මාණය කළ වඩාත්ම සංකීර්ණ පද්ධතිවලින් එකකි. 

ලිංගිකත්වය 101

බිලිඳුන් ඉතා බිඳෙනසුලු අතර වැඩීමට ආරක්ෂිත ස්ථානයක් අවශ්‍ය වේ, එබැවින් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ සෑම ස්ත්‍රියක් තුළම එවැනි ස්ථානයක් නිර්මාණය කළහ, එය ගර්භාෂය ලෙස හැඳින්වේ. ගර්භාෂය බිලිඳෙකු මෘදු ලෙස වැළඳ ගන්නා මෘදු, ප්‍රසාරණය විය හැකි පටකයකින් සෑදී ඇත.

නමුත් බිලිඳෙක් සම්පූර්ණයෙන් වැඩුණු බිලිඳෙකු ලෙස පටන් නොගනී; එය මෙම වාක්‍යයේ අග ඇති තිතට වඩා කුඩා, කුඩා බිත්තරයක් ලෙස පටන් ගනී. ස්ත්‍රියක් වැඩිවියට, එනම් දරුවන් ලැබීමට තරම් වයසට පත් වන විට, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ඇගේ ශරීරය ඇගේ ගර්භාෂයට බිත්තර මුදා හැරීමට පටන් ගන්නා ලෙස නිර්මාණය කළහ. මසකට වරක් පමණ, ගර්භාෂයට මදක් ඉහළින්, ඩිම්බකෝෂය ලෙස හැඳින්වෙන කුඩා ගබඩා ප්‍රදේශයකින් බිත්තරයක් මුදා හැරේ.. ඩිම්බකෝෂය බිත්තරය මුදා හරින විට, බිත්තරය ගර්භාෂය දෙසට තුනී නළයක් දිගේ ලිස්සා යයි. මෙම ඩිම්බකෝෂ දෙකක් හා ගර්භාෂයට යන මෙම නළ දෙකක් ඇත. සාමාන්‍යයෙන් සෑම මසකම බිත්තරයක් මුදා හරින්නේ ඩිම්බකෝෂ දෙකෙන් එකක් පමණි.

බිත්තරය ක්‍රමයෙන් නළය හරහා ගමන් කරයි, සංසේචනය වීමට බලා සිටියි, එය මම පහත සාකච්ඡා කරමි. දින කිහිපයක් ඇතුළත බිත්තරය සංසේචනය නොවුණහොත්, එය සරලවම ගර්භාෂය හරහා හා ස්ත්‍රියකගේ ශරීරයෙන් පිටතට එන යෝනිය ලෙස හැඳින්වෙන විශාල නළයක් දිගේ ගමන් කරයි. යෝනිය යනු ස්ත්‍රියකගේ කකුල් අතර ඇති විවර තුනෙන් මධ්‍ය විවරයයි. මුත්‍රා, එනම් ද්‍රව අපද්‍රව්‍ය පිටවන මුත්‍රා මාර්ගය, යෝනියට ඉදිරියෙන් ඇති අතර, මළපහ, එනම් ඝන අපද්‍රව්‍ය පිටවන ගුද මාර්ගය, එයට පිටුපසින් ඇත.

යෝනියෙන් පිටවන බිත්තරය දැකිය නොහැකි තරම් කුඩාය, නමුත් ක්‍රියාවලිය නැවත ආරම්භ වීමට පෙර ගර්භාෂය පිරිසිදු කිරීමේ ක්‍රමයක් ලෙස ගර්භාෂයේ අභ්‍යන්තර බිත්ති ආවරණය කරන රුධිරයෙන් කොටසක් බිත්තරය සමඟ පිටතට එයි. බිත්තරය අඩංගු මෙම රුධිර ගැලීම සාමාන්‍යයෙන් මසකට වරක් පමණ, හෙවත් වරින් වර සිදු වන නිසා, මිනිසුන් මෙම මාසික ගැලීම ඔසප් වීම ලෙස හඳුන්වති. 

ඊළඟ මාසයේ, ක්‍රියාවලිය නැවත ආරම්භ වී ඩිම්බකෝෂ එකකින් තවත් බිත්තරයක් මුදා හැරේ. මෙම බිත්තරය ඉන්පසු ෆැලෝපීය නළය ලෙස හැඳින්වෙන නළය දිගේ, ගර්භාෂය ලෙසද හැඳින්වෙන ගර්භාෂය දෙසට, සංසේචනය විය හැකි වන පිණිස ගමන් කරයි. බිත්තරය සංසේචනය නොවුණහොත්, එය ගර්භාෂය හරහා හා යෝනිය දිගේ ගමන් කර, ඊළඟ ඔසප් වීමේදී ගර්භාෂයේ රුධිරය සමඟ පිටතට එයි.

ස්ත්‍රියක් තුළ බිත්තර මුදා හැරීම වැදගත්ය, නමුත් සංසේචනයකින් තොරව, බිලිඳෙකු නිර්මාණය කළ නොහැක. සංසේචනය යනු නව ජීවයක් නිර්මාණය කරන ගිනි පුපුරයයි. සංසේචනය සිදු වන්නේ ශුක්‍රාණුවක් ලෙස හැඳින්වෙන යමක් බිත්තරයක් සමඟ ස්පර්ශ වන විටය. ශුක්‍රාණුද ඉතා කුඩාය; ඒවා බිත්තරයටත් වඩා කුඩාය.

නමුත් ස්ත්‍රියකගේ ශරීරය ශුක්‍රාණු නොනිපදවයි. ශුක්‍රාණු නිපදවෙන්නේ පුරුෂයෙකුගේ ශරීරය තුළ පමණි. ස්ත්‍රියකගේ ශරීරයේ බිත්තර ගබඩා කරන ඩිම්බකෝෂ දෙකක් ඇති පරිදිම, පුරුෂයෙකුගේ ශරීරයේ ශුක්‍රාණු නිපදවෙන වෘෂණ දෙකක් ඇත. මෙම වෘෂණ දෙක, පුරුෂයෙකුගේ කකුල් අතර ඇති, වෘෂණ කෝෂය ලෙස හැඳින්වෙන සමින් සෑදූ මල්ලක තබා ඇත. ශුක්‍රාණු ශරීරයේ අනෙක් කොටස්වලට වඩා මදක් සිසිල්ව තැබිය යුතුය, එබැවින් උෂ්ණත්වය නිවැරදිව තබා ගැනීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මෙම මල්ල පුරුෂයාගේ ශරීරයෙන් පිටතට එල්ලෙන ලෙස නිර්මාණය කළහ.

පුරුෂයෙකු දරුවන් ලැබීමට තරම් වයසට පත් වන විට, ඔහුගේ වෘෂණ ශුක්‍රාණු නිපදවීමට පටන් ගනී. දරුවෙකු නිර්මාණය කිරීමට ශුක්‍රාණුවක් හා බිත්තරයක් එකිනෙකා සමඟ ස්පර්ශ විය යුතු බැවින්, දෙවියන් වහන්සේ මිනිස් ශරීරයෙන් පිටතට ගමන් නොකර ශුක්‍රාණුව හා බිත්තරය එකට ගෙන ඒමට ක්‍රමයක් නිර්මාණය කළහ. තවද දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ශුක්‍රාණුව හා බිත්තරය එකට ගෙන එන ක්‍රමය නම්, ලිංගිකත්වය ලෙස හැඳින්වෙන මෙම විස්මිත අත්දැකීම හරහාය.

අපගේ ශරීර, කවුරුන් හෝ අපට වැළඳ ගැනීමක් හෝ හාදුවක් දෙන විට අපට විශිෂ්ට හැඟීමක් ඇති කළ හැකි විශේෂ ස්නායු අපගේ සමේ මතුපිට අසල සවි කර ඇත. නමුත් දෙවියන් වහන්සේ අපගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයන් හෝ බිරින්දෑවරුන් සමඟ භුක්ති විඳිය හැකි, ඊටත් වඩා විස්මිත ලෙස දැනිය හැකි රොමෑන්ටික ආකාරයේ වැළඳ ගැනීමක් හා හාදු දීමක් තබා ඇත. 

වැළඳ ගැනීමේ හා හාදු දීමේ මෙම විශේෂ අවස්ථාවලදී, පුරුෂයෙකුගේ ලිංගය සියලු අතගෑමෙන් උත්තේජනය වී, එය තවමත් ස්පර්ශයට මෘදු වුවත්, ඍජු හා තද වේ. ලිංගය මෙසේ වන්නේ රුධිරය එයට කඩා වැදී ලිංගයේ ඇති අද්විතීය ආකාරයේ ශරීර පටකයකට ගලා යන විටය. 

පුරුෂයා හා ස්ත්‍රිය එකිනෙකාට වඩාත් සමීප වන විට, ඔහුගේ ලිංගය ශුක්‍රාණු තරලය ලෙස හැඳින්වෙන මෘදු, පැහැදිලි, ලෝෂන් වැනි තරලයක් මුදා හැරීමට පටන් ගනී. එලෙසම, ස්ත්‍රියකගේ ශරීරය ඇගේ ගර්භාෂයට යන නළය වන යෝනිය ලිහිසි කරන සමානවම මෘදු හා පැහැදිලි තරලයක් මුදා හරියි. මෙම ස්වාභාවිකව නිපදවෙන සියලු ලෝෂන් අතගෑම හා ස්පර්ශය ඊටත් වඩා මෘදු හා අපූර්ව කරයි.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ස්ත්‍රියකගේ යෝනිය මෘදු හා ප්‍රසාරණය විය හැකි ලෙස නිර්මාණය කර ඇත, එවිට ඇගේ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයාගේ ලිංගය එය තුළ මෘදුව හා හොඳින් ගැළපේ. පුරුෂයෙකු හා ස්ත්‍රියක් මෙසේ එකිනෙකාට ආදරය කරගෙන යන විට, ඔහුගේ ලිංගය ඇගේ යෝනිය තුළ මෘදුව අතගාමින්, එම අතගෑමේ චලනයන් අවසානයේ මෙම ක්ෂුද්‍ර ශුක්‍රාණු මිලියන ගණනක් වෘෂණවලින් මුදා හැරීමට අවුලුවන අතර ඒවා ශුක්‍රාණු තරලය සමඟ එකතු වේ. ඒකාබද්ධ ශුක්‍රාණු හා ශුක්‍රාණු තරලය ඉන්පසු ලිංගය හරහා ඉහළට ගොස් ස්ත්‍රියකගේ යෝනියටත් ඉන්පසු ස්ත්‍රියකගේ ගර්භාෂයටත් ගමන් කරයි.

ස්ත්‍රියකගේ ඩිම්බකෝෂ එකක් දැනටමත් ගර්භාෂයට යන නළයට බිත්තරයක් මුදා හැර ඇත්නම්, බිත්තරයට ළඟා වී එය සමඟ ස්පර්ශ වන පළමු ශුක්‍රාණුව සංසේචන ක්‍රියාවලිය අවුලුවයි. එය සිදු වන විට, පිළිසිඳ ගැනීම, ලෙස හැඳින්වෙන මොහොතක, නව ජීවයක් නිර්මාණය වී ගර්භාෂයේ වැඩීමට පටන් ගනී. 

පුරුෂයාගෙන් ස්ත්‍රිය තුළට ශුක්‍රාණු මුදා හැරීමෙන් පසු, පුරුෂයාගේ ලිංගය ලිහිල් වීමට පටන් ගන්නා අතර, ස්වාමිපුරුෂයා හා භාර්යාවට තමන්ට අවශ්‍ය තාක් කල් එකිනෙකා වැළඳ ගනිමින්, හාදු දෙමින් සිටිය හැක. 

 මෙම ක්‍රියාවලියේ ජීව විද්‍යාත්මක යෙදුම නම් ලිංගික සංසර්ගය, එය සාමාන්‍යයෙන් ලිංගිකත්වය යන වචනයට කෙටි කරනු ලැබේ. මෙම ක්‍රියාවලිය කෙතරම් විශිෂ්ට ලෙස දැනෙනවාද සහ ස්වාමිපුරුෂයෙකුට හා භාර්යාවකට එකිනෙකා විසින් කෙතරම් ආදරය කරන බවක් දැනෙනවාද යත්, එම අත්දැකීම සමහර විට ආදරය කිරීම ලෙස හැඳින්වේ. 

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ එය එක් මාංශයක් වීම ලෙස හඳුන්වයි:

“මේ නිසා මිනිසෙක් තම පියා හා මව හැර දමා තම බිරිඳ සමඟ එක් වන අතර, ඔවුන් එක් මාංශයක් වනු ඇත” (උත්පත්ති 2:24).

මම එය ආශ්චර්යයක් ලෙස හඳුන්වමි! මාගේ මුළු ජීවිතයේම මම කිසිදා එවැනි කිසිවක් අත්විඳ නැත.

මම මුලින්ම ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන ඉගෙන ගත් විට, එය මා කවදත් අසා තිබූ වඩාත්ම අසාමාන්‍ය දේවලින් එකක් යැයි මම සිතුවෙමි. නමුත් එතැන් සිට, එය දෙවියන් වහන්සේට කිසිසේත් අසාමාන්‍ය නොවන බව මම ඉගෙන ගෙන ඇත්තෙමි. මෙය නව ජීවයක් නිර්මාණය කිරීමට උන් වහන්සේ වසර දහස් ගණනක් තිස්සේ භාවිතා කරමින් සිටින ක්‍රියාවලියයි..

ඔබට කවදා හෝ ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන, හෝ ඕනෑම දෙයක් ගැන ප්‍රශ්න ඇත්නම්, ඔබට උන් වහන්සේගේ ප්‍රඥාව දෙන ලෙස දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඉල්ලන්න. උන් වහන්සේ එය ඔබ මත බහුලව වත් කිරීමට සතුටු වනු ඇත:’

“ඔබ අතරින් කිසිවෙකුට ප්‍රඥාව අඩු නම්, ඔහු දෙවියන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඉල්ලිය යුතුය, උන් වහන්සේ දොස් නොනඟා සියල්ලන්ට උදාරව දෙන අතර, එය ඔහුට දෙනු ලැබේ” (ජේම්ස් 1:5).

සමාලෝචන ප්‍රශ්න

1. දරුවෙකු නිර්මාණය කිරීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ලිංගිකත්වය හරහා එකට ගෙන එන දේවල් දෙක මොනවාද — එකක් ස්ත්‍රියකගේ ශරීරයෙන් හා එකක් පුරුෂයෙකුගේ ශරීරයෙන්? 

2. යම් කාල සීමාවක් තුළ ස්ත්‍රියකගේ බිත්තරය සංසේචනය නොවුණහොත් එයට කුමක් සිදු වේද? 

3. පුරුෂයෙකු හා ඔහුගේ බිරිඳ එකට එක් වන විට ඔවුන් වන්නේ කුමක් යැයි දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පවසයිද? (උත්පත්ති 2:24) 

4. උන් වහන්සේගෙන් ඉල්ලන අයට උදාරව දීමට දෙවියන් වහන්සේ පොරොන්දු වන දේ කුමක්ද? (ජේම්ස් 1:5)

කතුවරයා ගැන

USA Today විසින් “සුවිශේෂකයන්ගේ නව වර්ගයක්” ලෙස විස්තර කරන ලද එරික් එල්ඩර්, පැවිදි කරන ලද පූජකයෙක්, දරුවන් හය දෙනෙකුගේ පියෙක්, සහ සෑම මසකම දහස් ගණන් අමුත්තන් ආකර්ෂණය කරන විශ්වාසය තහවුරු කරන වෙබ් අඩවියක් වන ද රැන්ච්, හි නිර්මාතෘවරයාය www.TheRanch.org.

එරික් ආශ්වාදජනක ලේඛකයෙක් හා කථිකයෙක්ද වන අතර, බිලී ග්‍රැහැම්ගේ ’Decision Magazine, වැනි ප්‍රකාශන සඳහා දෙවියන් වහන්සේ ගැන ලියා ඇති අතර,  සහ International Freedom Conference වැනි ජාතික සම්මන්ත්‍රණවල ලිංගිකත්වය ගැන කතා කර ඇත.

දෙවියන් වහන්සේ හා ලිංගිකත්වය යන මාතෘකා මෙම එක් පොතට ඒකාබද්ධ කිරීමෙන්, එරික් බොහෝ දේ කියන කෙටි කෘතියක් නිර්මාණය කර ඇත. වැඩිහිටියන් ඔහුගේ ප්‍රයෝජනවත් අවබෝධයන් හා ප්‍රායෝගික ප්‍රඥාව අගය කරනු ඇත, දෙමාපියන් සියුම් විෂයයකට ඔහුගේ රුචිකර ප්‍රවේශය අගය කරනු ඇත, තවද යෞවනයන් හා පෙර-යෞවනයන් මෙම පොතේ පිටු පුරා විහිදී ඇති ඔහුගේ විවෘතභාවය, අවංකභාවය හා හාස්‍ය හැඟීම අගය කරනු ඇත.

වැඩිදුර ආශ්වාදජනක සම්පත් සවන් දීමට, බාගත කිරීමට හෝ ඇණවුම් කිරීමට, කරුණාකර පිවිසෙන්න: 

  www.TheRanch.org

परमेश्वर सेक्स के बारे में जो कहते हैं, उसे जानने और अमल में लाने में आपकी मदद करने वाली एक प्रेरणादायक पुस्तक / An inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex
एरिक एल्डर / Eric Elder

“यह पुस्तक हर माता-पिता की नई सबसे अच्छी दोस्त है।”
डैन माउंटनी, कैंपस पास्टर, केंसिंग्टन कम्युनिटी चर्च

“कुछ ही पन्ने पढ़ते ही मैं जान गई कि मैं इस पुस्तक को अपनी बेटियों के हाथों में सौंपने पर भरोसा कर सकती हूँ।”
ब्रिजेट बूथ, होमस्कूलिंग करने वाली माँ

“यह ऐसी पुस्तक है जिसे मैं अपने बेटे को पढ़कर सुना सकूँ और शर्मिंदा न होऊँ।”
रसेल पॉन्ड, होमस्कूलिंग करने वाले पिता

“एरिक एल्डर का नज़रिया उतना ही ताज़गी-भरा है जितनी उनकी गवाही।”
टिम विल्किंस, कार्यकारी निदेशक, क्रॉस मिनिस्ट्री

“मैं चौंका देने वाला अंत नहीं बताऊँगा, पर गारंटी देता हूँ कि यह आपको झकझोर कर रख देगा।”
ऐल लाउरी, GIG के संस्थापक, सैडलबैक चर्च की एक संगीत सेवकाई

यहाँ सुनें, नीचे पढ़ें, या पीडीएफ डाउनलोड करने के लिए यहाँ क्लिक करें
पेपरबैक या ऑडिबल में भी उपलब्ध

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(गूगल प्ले बुक्स पर “ह्रेहान” द्वारा स्वचालित रूप से सुनाया गया)

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समर्पण

मेरे बच्चों के नाम, जो—यदि मैंने

वे बातें न सीखी होतीं जो इस पुस्तक में बताई हैं—

तो शायद कभी जन्म ही न लेते।आभार

इसपुस्तककेनिर्माणकेदौरानअपनेसुझावोंऔरप्रोत्साहनकेलिएनिम्नलिखितलोगोंकाविशेषधन्यवाद:

लानाएल्डर, ब्रिजेटबूथ, लैरीबूज़, ब्रेंडाफ्रेंड, ब्रेंटनैप्टन, स्टीवनाइट, ऐललाउरी, डैनमाउंटनी, लिंडाओलिवेरो, जेसिकापास्तिरिक, रसेलपॉन्ड, ग्रेगपॉट्ज़र, स्यूरॉबर्ट्स, नोआरॉबर्ट्स, केंटसैंडर्स, आंद्रिसस्प्रोगिसऔरजेनिफ़रटीमैन। विषय-सूची

प्राक्कथन
परिचय: किसी भी विषय में परमेश्वर क्या कहते हैं, यह कैसे जानें
अध्याय 1:  परमेश्वर ने सेक्स की रचना क्यों की
अध्याय 2:   शुद्ध बने रहना
अध्याय 3: प्रलोभन से निपटना
अध्याय 4: फिर से शुद्ध बनना
अध्याय 5: अपने जीवनसाथी को जानना
अध्याय 6: बच्चों को आशीष के रूप में देखना
अध्याय 7: परमेश्वर जो अंतर लाते हैं
परिशिष्ट: आख़िर सेक्स है क्या?
लेखक के विषय में

प्राक्कथन

मैंने यह पुस्तक उन सैकड़ों पत्रों और बातचीतों का सार प्रस्तुत करने के लिए शुरू की, जो मैंने इस विषय पर लिखे और की हैं कि परमेश्वर सेक्स के बारे में क्या कहते हैं। परन्तु पहला शब्द लिखने से पहले, मैंने परमेश्वर से पूछा कि इस पुस्तक के पाठक कौन हो सकते हैं। मैं चाहता था कि ये शब्द लिखते समय मैं उन्हें अपने मन में देख सकूँ। 

बिना किसी हिचकिचाहट के, परमेश्वर ने मेरे हृदय से कहा: “इसे अपने बच्चों के लिए लिखो।” 

मेरेबच्चे?!? मैंने सोचा।मेरेमनमेंतोयेबिल्कुलनहींथे! 

जब मुझे एहसास हुआ कि परमेश्वर गंभीर हैं, तो इस काम के लिए मेरा जोश और मेरी लगन सौ गुना बढ़ गई। मैंने समझ लिया कि इस पुस्तक के पाठक केवल धरती के दूसरे छोर पर बैठे लोग नहीं होंगे, जो चाहें तो इन बातों को अपनाएँ और चाहें तो छोड़ दें। पाठक मेरे अपने प्यारे बच्चे होंगे—वे, जिन्हें मैं सबसे बढ़कर यह देखना चाहता हूँ कि वे सेक्स की परिपूर्णता का आनंद उठाएँ, बिना उस पीड़ा से गुज़रे जो बहुतों पर आ पड़ी है। 

फिर परमेश्वर ने एक बार फिर मेरे हृदय को छुआ। 

मुझे एहसास हुआ कि वे भी इस पुस्तक के द्वारा ठीक इन्हीं पाठकों तक पहुँचना चाहते हैं: आपतक—उनकीअपनीप्यारीसंतान, जिसेवेसबसेबढ़करयहदेखनाचाहतेहैंकिवहसेक्सकीपरिपूर्णताकाआनंदउठाए, बिनाउसपीड़ासेगुज़रेजोबहुतोंपरआपड़ीहै।

इसी बात को ध्यान में रखते हुए, मैं आपको आमंत्रित करता हूँ कि आप ये शब्द पढ़ें, जो मैंने अपने हृदय की गहराइयों से लिखे हैं। क्योंकि ये केवल अपने प्यारे बच्चों के लिए मेरे भावपूर्ण शब्द ही नहीं हैं, ये आपके लिए—परमेश्वर की प्यारी संतान के लिए—स्वयं परमेश्वर के भावपूर्ण शब्द भी हैं।

एरिकएल्डर

परिचय:
किसी भी विषय में परमेश्वर क्या कहते हैं, यह कैसे जानें

“सम्पूर्णपवित्रशास्त्रपरमेश्वरकीप्रेरणासेरचागयाहैऔरहमेंसत्यकीशिक्षादेनेकेलिएलाभदायकहै…”2 तीमुथियुस 3:16अ, NLT

कुछ वर्ष पहले मैं व्हॉटगॉडसेज़अबाउटएंजल्स (परमेश्वर स्वर्गदूतों के बारे में क्या कहते हैं) नामक एक परियोजना पर काम कर रहा था। एक दिन किसी ने मुझसे पूछा, “आपको कैसे पता कि परमेश्वर स्वर्गदूतों के बारे में क्या कहते हैं?”

यह एक बेहतरीन सवाल था। मुझे कैसे पता था कि परमेश्वर स्वर्गदूतों के बारे में क्या कहते हैं? मुझे कैसे पता था कि परमेश्वर किसीभीविषय में क्या कहते हैं? 

जहाँ तक मेरी बात है, जब भी मैं “परमेश्वर की ओर से कोई वचन” खोज रहा होता हूँ, तो सबसे पहले बाइबल में देखता हूँ—उसमें 8,00,000 से भी अधिक वचन हैं! बाइबल के वचनों ने मुझे प्रोत्साहन और मार्गदर्शन, आशा और प्रेरणा, अंतर्दृष्टि और समझ दी है। बाइबल ने मुझे संसार की किसी भी अन्य पुस्तक से अधिक व्यावहारिक बुद्धि दी है।

मेरे विचार से इसके दो कारण हैं:

1. बाइबलकेवचनसमयकीकसौटीपरखरेउतरेहैं।ये वचन ऐसे लोगों ने लिखे जो परमेश्वर के अत्यंत निकट रहे—ऐसे लोग जिन्होंने परमेश्वर से सच्चे मन से प्रश्न पूछे और उनके सच्चे उत्तरों को सुना। परमेश्वर की बात सुनने और उस पर चलने के परिणामस्वरूप उनके जीवन में जो हुआ, वह अद्भुत था। इतना अद्भुत कि हज़ारों वर्ष बाद, आज भी बाइबल संसार में सबसे अधिक पढ़ी जाने वाली, छापी जाने वाली और अनुवादित की जाने वाली पुस्तक है।
2. बाइबलकेवचनआज़माइशकीकसौटीपरभीखरेउतरेहैं।मेरी अपनी आज़माइश की कसौटी पर! जब भी मैंने बाइबल में कुछ पढ़ा और सोचा कि क्या यह मेरे जीवन में भी कारगर होगा, तो मैंने उसे परखकर देखा। परमेश्वर की बात सुनने और उस पर चलने से मेरे साथ जो हुआ, वह भी अद्भुत रहा है, जैसा आप इस पुस्तक में देखेंगे। 

बाइबल में पढ़ी सैकड़ों बातों को व्यवहार में लाने के बाद, मैं भी उसी निष्कर्ष पर पहुँचा हूँ जिस पर प्रेरित पौलुस पहुँचे थे, जिन्होंने लिखा:

“सम्पूर्णपवित्रशास्त्रपरमेश्वरकीप्रेरणासेरचागयाहैऔरहमेंसत्यकीशिक्षादेनेतथायहएहसासकरानेकेलिएलाभदायकहैकिहमारेजीवनमेंक्याग़लतहै।यहहमेंसीधाकरताहैऔरसहीकामकरनासिखाताहै” (2 तीमुथियुस 3:16, NLT)।

मेरे जीवन के शायद किसी भी अन्य क्षेत्र में यह बात इतनी सच साबित नहीं हुई जितनी इस विषय में कि परमेश्वर सेक्स के बारे में क्या कहते हैं।

मैं आप में से उन लोगों से एक विशेष बात कहना चाहता हूँ जो शायद पहली बार सेक्स के बारे में जान रहे हैं। मैंने इस पुस्तक के अंत में ख़ास आपके लिए एक विशेष अध्याय लिखा है, जिसका शीर्षक है, “आख़िर सेक्स है क्या?” आपइसविशेषअध्यायकोपहलेपढ़नाचाहेंगे, क्योंकि यह इस पुस्तक के बाक़ी हिस्सों को पढ़ते समय आपको एक अच्छी नींव देगा। 

आप में से जो लोग सेक्स के बारे में पहले से जानते हैं, वे भी शायद इस विशेष अध्याय को पहले पढ़ना चाहें। हो सकता है यह पहली बार हो कि आपने सेक्स का वर्णन इसरूपमें सुना हो, और यह आपके बाक़ी जीवन के लिए एक अच्छी नींव देगा।

अध्याय 1:
परमेश्वर ने सेक्स की रचना क्यों की

“यहोवाकोअपनेसुखकामूलजान, औरवहतेरेमनकीइच्छाएँपूरीकरेगा।”भजनसंहिता 37:4

परमेश्वर ने सेक्स की रचना क्यों की? उन्होंने संसार की सबसे जटिल प्रक्रियाओं में से एक—एक बच्चे की रचना—को इतना सरल क्यों बना दिया कि लगभग कोई भी, यौन शिक्षा की कोई कक्षा लिए बिना, उसे कर सकता है? बाइबल को खंगालने पर मुझे दो कारण मिले हैं: सेक्स के द्वारा परमेश्वर ने अपने हृदय की इच्छाओं को पूरा करने का मार्ग बनाया, और साथ ही साथ हमारे हृदय की इच्छाओं को भी।

और उनके हृदय की इच्छाएँ क्या हैं? इसका पता हमें उन पहले शब्दों से चलता है जो परमेश्वर ने पृथ्वी के पहले जोड़े से कहे। आपको शायद आश्चर्य हो कि उनसे कहे गए परमेश्वर के पहले शब्द सेक्स के बारे में थे, पर थे तो सही! देखिए, अदन की वाटिका में परमेश्वर ने आदम और हव्वा से क्या कहा:

“परमेश्वरनेउन्हेंआशीषदीऔरउनसेकहा, ‘फूलो–फलोऔरसंख्यामेंबढ़ो; पृथ्वीकोभरदोऔरउसेअपनेवशमेंकरलो’” (उत्पत्ति 1:28अ)।

परमेश्वर ने उनसे कहा कि फूलो-फलो और संख्या में बढ़ो, और लोग जिस तरह फलवन्त होते हैं वह सेक्स के द्वारा ही है। 

कुछ लोग सोचते होंगे कि बाइबल एक उबाऊ पुस्तक है, पर जिस तरह मैं उसे पढ़ता हूँ, उस तरह तो बिल्कुल नहीं! यहाँ शुरुआती दृश्य में ही दो लोग हैं, पूरी तरह नग्न, एक अनोखे स्वर्ग-से उपवन के बीच खड़े, और उनका सृजनहार उनसे पहली बात यह कहता है, “जुट जाओ! फूलो-फलो! बढ़ते जाओ!” वाह! अगर इस गर्मी में ऐसे शुरुआती दृश्य वाली कोई फ़िल्म आती, तो किशोर और वयस्क, सब उसे देखने के लिए लंबी-लंबी क़तारों में खड़े हो जाते! 

मेरी पत्नी लाना और मैंने उन शब्दों को दिल से अपनाया है, और छह बच्चों के बाद भी, पृथ्वी के पहले लोगों से कहे गए परमेश्वर के उन पहले शब्दों को पूरा करने में हमें आज भी ज़बरदस्त आनंद आ रहा है!

आदम और हव्वा से कहे गए परमेश्वर के शब्द हमें उनके हृदय की इच्छाओं के बारे में क्या बताते हैं? ऊपरी तौर पर, वे बताते हैं कि परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम फूलें-फलें और संख्या में बढ़ें। पर क्यों? परमेश्वर इतने सारे लोग क्यों चाहते हैं?

क्यों? क्योंकि परमेश्वर लोगों से प्रेम करते हैं। वे उनसे बेहद प्रेम करते हैं—आपसे और मुझसे भी। परमेश्वर लोगों से इतना प्रेम करते हैं कि वे चाहते हैं कि पृथ्वी उनसे भर जाए। बाइबल के सबसे प्रसिद्ध वचनों में से एक कहता है, “क्योंकिपरमेश्वरनेजगतसेऐसाप्रेमरखा…” (यूहन्ना 3:16अ)। 

परमेश्वर ने सेक्स की रचना केवल इसलिए नहीं की कि आदम और हव्वा को शनिवार की रात कुछ करने को मिल जाए! परमेश्वर चाहते थे कि वे फूलें-फलें और बढ़ें, क्योंकि वे लोगों से प्रेम करते हैं और हम में से हर एक के साथ घनिष्ठ संबंध रखना चाहते हैं। परमेश्वर आपको जन्म लेते देखने के लिए इतने उत्सुक थे कि उन्होंने आपके माता-पिता के लिए एक-दूसरे के पास आना और आपकी रचना करना जितना संभव था उतना सहज और आकर्षक बना दिया।

मेरे हृदय की इच्छाएँ

पर यदि आप आदम और हव्वा की कहानी में थोड़ा और पीछे जाएँ, तो देखेंगे कि परमेश्वर ने सेक्स की रचना केवल अपने हृदय की इच्छाएँ पूरी करने के लिए नहीं की। उन्होंने उसकी रचना इस प्रकार भी की कि वह आदमऔरहव्वाके हृदय की इच्छाओं को भी पूरा करे।

जिस दिन मैंने यह जाना कि परमेश्वर आदम और हव्वा की इच्छाएँ पूरी करना चाहते थे, वही दिन था जब मैंने लाना के सामने विवाह का प्रस्ताव रखा।

लाना और मैं कई वर्ष पहले मिले थे, जब हम दोनों इलिनॉय विश्वविद्यालय में साथ पढ़ते थे। पर स्नातक होने के बाद, मैं टेक्सस चला गया और वह मिशिगन चली गई। कुछ वर्षों बाद, हमने सोचा कि कहीं परमेश्वर हमें फिर से एक साथ तो नहीं लाना चाहते—इस बार विवाह के लिए। इसलिए लाना टेक्सस आ गई, ताकि हम इस निर्णय के लिए साथ मिलकर प्रार्थना कर सकें। एक शनिवार की सुबह-सुबह, लाना मेरे अपार्टमेंट आई और हम एक मित्र को दौड़ प्रतियोगिता में दौड़ते देखने गए। दौड़ के बाद, हम अपने दिन की बाक़ी गतिविधियों से पहले परमेश्वर के साथ कुछ शांत समय बिताने के लिए मेरे अपार्टमेंट लौट आए। लाना अपनी बाइबल लेकर बैठक में चली गई और मैं अपनी बाइबल लेकर अपने शयनकक्ष में।

बस कुछ ही दिन पहले, मैंने अपने जीवन में पहली बार पूरी बाइबल पढ़कर समाप्त की थी, इसलिए मुझे समझ नहीं आ रहा था कि दोबारा पढ़ना कहाँ से शुरू करूँ। मैंने तय किया कि शुरुआत से ही फिर से शुरू करता हूँ। मैंने बाइबल की पहली पुस्तक का पहला पन्ना खोला। मैं आदम के बारे में पढ़ने लगा—पृथ्वी का पहला मनुष्य—और कैसे परमेश्वर ने उसे अदन की वाटिका में भूमि पर काम करने और पशुओं की देखभाल करने के लिए रखा था। पर इस सुंदर परिवेश के बीच, हर ओर से अच्छी-अच्छी चीज़ों से घिरे होने पर भी, परमेश्वर ने देखा कि आदम अब भी अकेला था: 

“यहोवापरमेश्वरनेकहा, ‘मनुष्यकाअकेलारहनाअच्छानहीं।मैंउसकेलिएएकउपयुक्तसहायकबनाऊँगा’” (उत्पत्ति 2:18)।

तब परमेश्वर ने आदम को गहरी नींद में सुला दिया, उसकी एक पसली निकाली और उससे हव्वा की—पृथ्वी की पहली स्त्री की—रचना की। फिर परमेश्वर उसे आदम के पास ले आए।

हालाँकि मैं यह कहानी बचपन से सुनता आया था, यह पहली बार था जब मैंने इसे परमेश्वर के नज़रिए से देखा। कहानी पढ़ते-पढ़ते मेरा दिल बैठ गया—जैसे परमेश्वर का भी बैठ गया होगा—जब परमेश्वर ने देखा कि आदम कितना अकेला है। फिर मेरा दिल दोबारा उमंग से भर उठा—जैसे परमेश्वर का भी भर उठा होगा—जब परमेश्वर ने हव्वा की रचना की और उसे आदम के पास ले आए। मुझे यक़ीन है कि उस समय आदम के चेहरे की मुस्कान मीलों चौड़ी रही होगी!

जब मैं इस दृश्य की कल्पना अपने मन में कर रहा था, तो अचानक मुझे तीव्रता से यह एहसास हुआ कि परमेश्वर मुझे भी ठीक उसी तरह देख रहे हैं! मैं भी हर ओर से अच्छी-अच्छी चीज़ों से घिरा हुआ था, फिर भी अकेला था। उसी पल, परमेश्वर ने मेरे हृदय से इस तरह बात की जो शब्दों से परे थी। उन्होंने मुझे दिखाया कि उन्होंने मेरे लिए भी एक स्त्री की रचना की है, और उसे मेरे पास ले आए हैं—ठीक बगल वाले कमरे में! महीनों की प्रार्थना के बाद, आख़िरकार मैं जान गया कि परमेश्वर वाक़ई मेरे हृदय की इच्छाएँ पूरी करना चाहते हैं। वे वाक़ई चाहते हैं कि मैं लाना से विवाह करूँ।

मैं दौड़कर गलियारे से होते हुए लाना को यह बताने गया कि परमेश्वर ने अभी-अभी मुझसे क्या कहा है। दौड़ते समय मैंने रुककर आईने में नहीं देखा, पर देखता तो यक़ीनन मेरे चेहरे की मुस्कान भी मीलों चौड़ी होती! हमने बातें कीं, हम रोए, मैंने उससे विवाह के लिए पूछा और उसने कहा, “हाँ!” 

कुछ महीनों बाद जब हमारा विवाह हुआ, तो मैंने पाया कि परमेश्वर ने घनिष्ठता की मेरी लालसा को इस तरह पूरा किया जो मेरी हर माँग और कल्पना से बढ़कर था। अपनी पत्नी के साथ यौन घनिष्ठता मेरे जीवन का सबसे निरंतर रोमांचक, हर पैमाने से ऊपर का अनुभव बन गई है! 

इस पूरी पुस्तक में मैं आपको केवल यह नहीं बताना चाहता कि परमेश्वर ने मेरे हृदय की इच्छाएँ कैसे पूरी कीं, बल्कि यह भी कि परमेश्वर आपके हृदय की इच्छाएँ पूरी करने के लिए कितने लालायित हैं—क्योंकि ऐसा करने में परमेश्वर अपने हृदय की इच्छाएँ भी पूरी करते हैं।

सेक्स के लिए परमेश्वर के दोहरे उद्देश्य

आदम और हव्वा के जीवन के इन दोनों दृश्यों को जब आप एक साथ रखते हैं, तो आपको सेक्स की रचना के पीछे परमेश्वर के दोहरे उद्देश्यों की एक समृद्ध झलक मिलती है:

• परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम घनिष्ठ हों।
• परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम फलवन्त हों।
• सेक्स के द्वारा, परमेश्वर ने हमारे लिए दोनों करने का मार्ग बनाया है—एकहीसाथ।

यदि आप बेहतरीन-से-बेहतरीन यौन जीवन चाहते हैं, तो इस झलक को अपने मन में सबसे आगे रखिए। पहली नज़र में यह ज़ाहिर लग सकता है कि परमेश्वर ने सेक्स की रचना इसलिए की ताकि पति-पत्नी घनिष्ठ और फलवन्त हो सकें। पर बहुत से लोगों ने—मैं भी उनमें शामिल हूँ—सेक्स को ऐसे तरीक़ों से अपनाया है जो बिल्कुल भी ज़ाहिर नहीं हैं। ऐसे तरीक़े जो किसीकेभी साथ घनिष्ठता तक नहीं ले जाते, उस पति या पत्नी की तो बात ही छोड़िए जिसे परमेश्वर ने उनके लिए सोच रखा है। ऐसे तरीक़े जिनसे कभी जीवन उत्पन्न नहीं होगा। ऐसे तरीक़े जो मृत्यु तक भी ले जा सकते हैं—चाहे वह उनकी अपनी हो, किसी और की, या उस बच्चे की जो अनचाहे ही गर्भ में आ गया हो। 

इस पुस्तक से मेरी आशा है कि जो ज़ाहिर है उसे… फिर से ज़ाहिरबना दूँ! मैं जानता हूँ कि दूसरी चीज़ें कैसे हमारे मन पर परमेश्वर के सत्य के आगे बादल बनकर छा जाती हैं, पर मैं यह भी जानता हूँ कि परमेश्वर का सत्य, जब हम उसे सच्चे मन से खोजते हैं, कैसे उन बादलों को चीरकर छाँट देता है। 

मैं जानता हूँ कि जब तक मैंने यह नहीं जाना कि परमेश्वर सेक्स के बारे में क्या कहते हैं, तब तक मेरे मन में उस यौन जीवन की तस्वीर बननी शुरू ही नहीं हुई थी जो परमेश्वर ने शुरू से ही मेरे लिए तैयार रखा था—वह जीवन जो वे अब भी मेरे लिए थामे हुए थे, बशर्ते मैं उसे थामने को तैयार होता। वही जीवन वे आपके लिए भी अब तक थामे हुए हैं, बशर्ते आप भी उसे थामने को तैयार हों।

आपके लिए परमेश्वर की इच्छाएँ

एक हर पैमाने से ऊपर के यौन जीवन की परमेश्वर की तस्वीर आपकी तस्वीर से कितनी मिलती है? आपके जीवन के लिए परमेश्वर की आशाएँ और सपने आपकी आशाओं और सपनों से कितने मिलते हैं? शायद आप यह भी सोचते हों कि क्या परमेश्वर के पास आपके जीवन के लिए कोई आशाएँ और सपने हैं भी? मेरी प्रार्थना है कि परमेश्वर के वचन से सीखी हुई ये सच्चाइयाँ आपको यह देखने में मदद करें कि परमेश्वर के पास आपके जीवन के लिए सचमुच आशाएँ और सपने हैं—ठीक वैसे ही जैसे इन्होंने मुझे, और बहुत से दूसरों को, यह देखने में मदद की है कि परमेश्वर के पास हमारे जीवन के लिए आशाएँ और सपने हैं।

परमेश्वर आपके साथ जो बाँटना चाहते हैं, उसे लेकर मैं उत्साहित हूँ। जितने वर्षों से मैं परमेश्वर के वचन की इन सच्चाइयों को अपने यौन जीवन में लागू करता आ रहा हूँ, मैंने पाया है कि पृथ्वी पर आज भी कोई अनुभव ऐसा नहीं जो अपनी पत्नी के साथ मेरे यौन संबंध के आस-पास भी ठहरता हो।

आप यह पुस्तक पढ़ रहे हैं, इसी से मुझे लगता है कि आप भी ऐसा भरपूर जीवन अनुभव करना चाहते हैं—एक ऐसा जीवन जहाँ आपके सपने और इच्छाएँ पूरी तरह परमेश्वर के सपनों और इच्छाओं से मेल खाती हों। मुझे विश्वास है कि आप वाक़ई “सही काम” करना चाहते हैं, पर मैं यह भी जानता हूँ कि जब तक कोई साफ़-साफ़ सच न बोले, तब तक यह जानना कितना कठिन हो सकता है कि “सही काम” है क्या।

क्या आप मेरी बात मानेंगे अगर मैं आपसे कहूँ कि परमेश्वर आपके हृदय की इच्छाओं को पूरा करना उससे भी ज़्यादा चाहते हैं जितना आप उन्हें पूरा होते देखना चाहते हैं? कि परमेश्वर के पास सचमुच आपके जीवन के लिए ऐसी इच्छाएँ हैं जिनकी अब तक आपको बस एक झलक ही मिली होगी? किसी दुकान की क़तार में रखी पत्रिका की सनसनीखेज़ सुर्ख़ी जैसा लगने के बावजूद, यह सच है कि परमेश्वर वाक़ई चाहते हैं कि आपका यौन जीवन शानदार हो! अपने हृदय की इच्छाओं को पूरा करने की आपकी जोशीली खोज में वेसचमुचआपकेपक्षमेंहैं, आपकेविरुद्धनहीं। 

मैं चाहूँगा कि आप नीचे दिए गए पुनरावलोकन प्रश्नों पर एक नज़र डालें। जब आप कर चुकें, तो हम बुद्धि की उन बेहतरीन बातों में से एक को देखेंगे जो परमेश्वर ने मुझे सेक्स के विषय में कभी दी है।

पुनरावलोकन प्रश्न

1. पृथ्वीकेपहलेजोड़ेसेपरमेश्वरकेपहलेशब्दक्याथे? (उत्पत्ति 1:28) 

2. परमेश्वरनेहव्वाकीरचनाकरकेउसेआदमकेपासक्योंपहुँचाया? (उत्पत्ति 2:18) 

3. इनदोनोंदृश्योंसेप्रकटहोनेवाले, सेक्सकीरचनाकेपीछेपरमेश्वरकेदोहरेउद्देश्यक्याहैं? 

4. परमेश्वरक्योंचाहेंगेकिसंसारलोगोंसेभरजाए? (यूहन्ना 3:16)

अध्याय 2:
 शुद्ध बने रहना

“वहपुरुषऔरउसकीपत्नीदोनोंनंगेथे, औरउन्हेंकोईलज्जानहींथी।”उत्पत्ति 2:25

आदम और हव्वा की कहानी के अगले ही वाक्य में, परमेश्वर हमें इस बारे में बुद्धि की एक बेहतरीन बात देते हैं कि बेहतरीन-से-बेहतरीन यौन जीवन का आनंद कैसे लिया जाए: 

“वहपुरुषऔरउसकीपत्नीदोनोंनंगेथे, औरउन्हेंकोईलज्जानहींथी” (उत्पत्ति 2:25)।

हर जोड़े के लिए परमेश्वर की यही इच्छा है: कि उनके विवाह के दिन—जब समारोह समाप्त हो चुका हो और मेहमान घर लौट चुके हों—दूल्हा और दुल्हन अपने विवाह के वस्त्र उतार सकें, बिना कुछ छिपाए और बिना किसी लज्जा के, और आख़िरकार एक तन हो सकें। विवाह हो जाने के बाद, परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि वे इसी तरह—नंगे और निर्लज्ज—बार-बार, फिर-फिर एक-दूसरे के पास आते रह सकें।

सिद्धांत के तौर पर यह आसान लग सकता है, पर जब हमारे हार्मोन सक्रिय होकर परमेश्वर की दी हुई यौन इच्छाओं को जगा देते हैं, तो विवाह के दिन तक की प्रतीक्षा लंबी और कठिन हो सकती है। फिर भी यह प्रतीक्षा सार्थक है, और परमेश्वर स्पष्ट करते हैं कि वे न केवल चाहतेहैं कि हम प्रतीक्षा करें, बल्कि वे प्रतीक्षा करने में हमारी मददभी करेंगे।

परमेश्वर की सुरक्षा-मुहर

जिन दिनों मूसा इस्राएल के लोगों को मिस्र से निकालकर ले जा रहे थे, उन दिनों इस्राएलियों में विवाह की एक रीति थी जिससे यह प्रमाणित होता था कि कोई स्त्री अपने विवाह के दिन कुँवारी है या नहीं—अर्थात् ऐसी स्त्री जिसने कभी यौन संबंध नहीं बनाया।

जब कोई स्त्री पहली बार यौन संबंध बनाती है, तो पुरुष का लिंग ऊतक की एक पतली झिल्ली को पार करता है, जिसे योनिच्छद (हाइमन) कहते हैं, और जो उसकी योनि के द्वार को आंशिक रूप से ढके रहती है। जब लिंग पहली-पहली बार योनिच्छद को पार करता है, तो झिल्ली के खुलकर फैलने से थोड़ी-सी मात्रा में रक्त निकलता है। यह खिंचाव स्त्री के जीवन में केवल एक बार होता है; उसके बाद योनिच्छद सदा के लिए पूरी तरह खुली रह जाती है। योनिच्छद दवा की शीशी पर लगी सुरक्षा-मुहर की तरह काम करती है: मुहर टूटी हो, तो आप जान जाते हैं कि शीशी पहले खोली जा चुकी है। 

मूसा के दिनों में, नवविवाहित जोड़ा टूटी योनिच्छद से निकले इस पहले रक्त को एक कपड़े पर सहेजकर रखता था। वह कपड़ा इस बात का प्रमाण होता था कि वह लड़की अपने विवाह के दिन सचमुच कुँवारी थी। यदि कोई पुरुष अपनी नई पत्नी के साथ संबंध बनाने पर पाता कि ऐसा कोई प्रमाण नहीं है, तो उसे अधिकार था कि वह उसे उसके पिता के घर वापस ले जाए, जहाँ त्वरित और कठोर न्याय होता था। बाइबल में दर्ज इस विषय की व्यवस्था कहती है:

“परन्तुयदिआरोपसचनिकलेऔरलड़कीकेकुँवारेपनकाकोईप्रमाणनमिले, तोवहउसकेपिताकेघरकेद्वारपरलाईजाएऔरवहाँउसकेनगरकेपुरुषउसेपत्थरवाहकरकेमारडालें।उसनेअपनेपिताकेघरमेंरहतेहुएव्यभिचारकरकेइस्राएलमेंलज्जाजनककामकियाहै।तुमअपनेबीचमेंसेइसबुराईकोदूरकरदेना” (व्यवस्थाविवरण 22:20-21)।

पुरुष से भी अपेक्षा थी कि वह अपने विवाह के दिन कुँवारा हो। हालाँकि पुरुष के शरीर में योनिच्छद जैसा कुछ नहीं होता जो संभोग के समय टूटकर उसके कुँवारेपन का प्रमाण दे, फिर भी बाइबल इतनी ही स्पष्ट है कि पुरुष भी विवाह से पहले किसी के साथ यौन संबंध न बनाए, जैसा व्यवस्थाविवरण 22 के शेष भाग में विस्तार से बताया गया है। 

(कृपया ध्यान दें कि आज कुछ स्त्रियों को पहली बार संबंध बनाते समय रक्तस्राव नहीं होता, विशेषकर उन्हें जो खेल-कूद में सक्रिय रही हों या जिन्होंने टैम्पोन का उपयोग किया हो। ऐसी गतिविधियाँ संबंध बनाने से पहले ही योनिच्छद को फैला सकती हैं।)

आज हम इन व्यवस्थाओं को तोड़ने पर लोगों को मृत्युदंड नहीं देते, पर इसका कारण यह नहीं कि ये व्यवस्थाएँ अब मान्य नहीं रहीं, और न ही यह कि इनका अब कोई मूल्य नहीं रहा। शुक्र है कि इसका कारण यह है कि जब यीशु पृथ्वी पर आए, तो उन्होंने हमारे पापों की—हमारे यौन पापों समेत—क़ीमत चुका दी, ताकि जो कोई उन पर विश्वास करे, उसे अपने पापों का दंड स्वयं न भरना पड़े, बल्कि वह उनके साथ सदा का जीवन भी पा सके। परमेश्वर लोगों से कितना प्रेम करते हैं, इस बारे में जो उद्धरण मैंने पहले शुरू किया था, उसे पूरा करते हुए बाइबल कहती है:

“क्योंकिपरमेश्वरनेजगतसेऐसाप्रेमरखाकिउसनेअपनाएकलौतापुत्रदेदिया, ताकिजोकोईउसपरविश्वासकरेवहनाशनहो, परन्तुअनन्तजीवनपाए” (यूहन्ना 3:16)।

यीशु ने स्पष्ट किया कि व्यवस्था आज भी मान्य और मूल्यवान है, फिर भी वे हमारे पापों का दंड—यहाँ तक कि मृत्युदंड भी—स्वयं भरने को तैयार थे, क्योंकि वे हमसे इतना प्रेम करते थे। 

इसे दर्शाने वाली एक घटना में, कुछ लोग यीशु के पास एक स्त्री को लाए जो व्यभिचार करते हुए—अर्थात् किसी और के पति के साथ यौन संबंध बनाते हुए—रंगे हाथों पकड़ी गई थी। उन्होंने यीशु से पूछा कि क्या व्यवस्था के अनुसार उसे दंड देकर पत्थरवाह करके मार डाला जाए या छोड़ दिया जाए। बाइबल कहती है कि लोग यह यीशु को फँसाने के लिए कर रहे थे। उनके उत्तर ने उनकी अपनी प्रतिभा और उन लोगों के हृदय की दुष्टता, दोनों को उजागर कर दिया:

“तुममेंजोनिष्पापहो, वहीपहलेउसपरपत्थरमारे” (यूहन्ना 8:7ब)।

आश्चर्य की बात यह हुई कि वे सब अपने पत्थर छोड़कर चले गए। वे जानते थे—जैसा यीशु भी जानते थे—कि हर व्यक्ति ने अपने जीवन में कभी-न-कभी पाप किया है। पर यीशु एक ऐसी बात भी जानते थे जो वे नहीं जानते थे: यीशु जानते थे कि वे स्वयं शीघ्र ही उस स्त्री के पाप की—और उन लोगों के पापों की, और आपके और मेरे पापों की भी—क़ीमत चुकाने वाले हैं। व्यवस्था तब भी मान्य थी और शीघ्र ही उनकी मृत्यु के द्वारा पूरी होने वाली थी। पर उसकी जगह स्वयं लेकर और उसे क्षमा देकर, यीशु ने उसका जीवन भी बढ़ा दिया, ताकि वह उन बाक़ी उद्देश्यों को पूरा कर सके जिनके लिए परमेश्वर ने पहले-पहल उसकी रचना की थी। जब बाक़ी सब लोग वहाँ से जा चुके, तो यीशु ने उस स्त्री से कहा कि वह उन पापों से मुड़ जाए जिनके कारण वह मारी जाने वाली थी:

“हेनारी, वेकहाँगए? क्याकिसीनेतुझपरदंडकीआज्ञानहींदी?”

उसनेकहा, “हेप्रभु, किसीनेनहीं।”

यीशुनेकहा, “तोमैंभीतुझपरदंडकीआज्ञानहींदेता।जा, औरअबसेपापकाजीवनमतजीना।” 

(यूहन्ना 8:10ब-11)

विवाह के दिन यौन रूप से शुद्ध होने के विषय में परमेश्वर की अपेक्षाएँ, और इसका महान मूल्य, आज हमारे लिए भी वैसे ही हैं जैसे मूसा के दिनों के लोगों के लिए थे। विवाह के भीतर बेहतरीन-से-बेहतरीन यौन जीवन पाने के लिए पहला क़दम है—विवाहसेपहलेशुद्धबनेरहना। हम यह कैसे कर सकते हैं? यह भी परमेश्वर हमें बताते हैं।

एक निर्णायक बातचीत

लाना से विवाह के कुछ महीने पहले, मेरी एक ऐसे व्यक्ति से संक्षिप्त पर निर्णायक बातचीत हुई जो नियमित रूप से लोगों को उनके यौन संबंधों के विषय में परामर्श देते थे। मैंने उन्हें फ़ोन करके पूछा कि मैं अपने आने वाले विवाह की रक्षा के लिए क्या-क्या कर सकता हूँ, ताकि वह वैसा ही बन सके जैसा परमेश्वर उसे बनाना चाहते हैं।

बातचीत के पहले ही कुछ मिनटों में मैं समझ गया कि उनकी बातें मेरे विवाह के लिए सोने की डलियों जैसी साबित होने वाली हैं। पहली डली तब मिली जब उन्होंने मुझसे लाना के साथ मेरे वर्तमान शारीरिक संबंध के बारे में पूछा। क्या हम चूमते हैं, हाथ थामते हैं और अन्य तरीक़ों से एक-दूसरे को रोमानी ढंग से छूते हैं? मैंने कहा, हाँ। तब उन्होंने मुझे यह पूछकर झकझोर दिया कि यदि वह किसी और की पत्नी होती, तो क्या मैं उसे इन तरीक़ों से छूता? नहीं, बिल्कुल नहीं! तो फिर, उन्होंने पूछा, विवाह से पहले मैं उसे इन तरीक़ों से क्यों छूता हूँ? क्योंकि सच यह था कि जिस दिन तक हमारा विवाह वास्तव में नहीं हो जाता, तब तक यह संभावना बनी हुई थी कि हम में से कोई भी किसी और का पति या पत्नी बन सकता है। हालाँकि हमारे आने वाले विवाह के प्रति हमारी प्रतिबद्धता में मुझे कोई हिचकिचाहट नहीं थी, पर मैं जानता था कि कुछ भी संभव है और यह व्यक्ति मुझसे सच कह रहा है।

हमारी एक मित्र ने हाल ही में हमें अपने भाई से जुड़ी एक दुखद घटना सुनाई। उसकी सगाई उसके सपनों की लड़की से हो चुकी थी, पर विवाह से एक महीने पहले वह अपने प्रलोभनों के आगे हार गया और उसने यौन संबंध बना लिया—अपने सपनों की लड़की के साथ नहीं, बल्कि उसकी बहन के साथ, जो काफ़ी समय से असफल रूप से उसके पीछे पड़ी थी। बाद में, जो कुछ उसने किया उस पर उसे बहुत पछतावा हुआ, पर उसकी मंगेतर ने उसे क्षमा कर दिया और वे अपने विवाह की योजना बनाते रहे। दुःख की बात है कि विवाह से बस कुछ ही दिन पहले, उस बहन को पता चला कि वह इस व्यक्ति के बच्चे की माँ बनने वाली है। असमंजस में पड़कर कि अब क्या करे, उसने उस लड़की की बहन से विवाह कर लिया, ताकि बच्चे को पिता मिल सके। और भी दुःख की बात यह हुई कि विवाह के कुछ ही समय बाद उस बहन का गर्भपात हो गया—और वह व्यक्ति एक ऐसे विवाह में बंध गया जिसकी उसने योजना नहीं बनाई थी, उनका अनचाहा बच्चा गर्भपात में जाता रहा, और उसके सपनों की लड़की अकेली रह गई। कैसी हृदयविदारक कहानी—और ऐसी जो टाली जा सकती थी, उन दो लोगों के लिए भी जो “पक्का, सौ प्रतिशत” एक महीने के भीतर विवाह करने वाले थे। सच यही है कि विवाह से पहले क्या हो जाए, हम बस नहीं जानते।

एक और महिला ने मुझे लिखा कि वह और उसका बॉयफ्रेंड साथ रह रहे हैं, और यद्यपि वे पूर्ण संभोग नहीं कर रहे थे, फिर भी—उन्हीं के शब्दों में—वे सेक्स का “अभिनय” कर रहे थे। वे भविष्य में कभी विवाह करने की आशा रखते थे, पर अभी नहीं। उसने कहा कि उसने सुना है कि कुछ मसीहियों को विवाह से पहले इस तरह का यौन स्पर्श ग़लत लगता है, पर यदि यह ग़लत है, तो उसे बहुत सारी व्याख्या चाहिए होगी, क्योंकि वह अपने बॉयफ्रेंड के स्नेह के लिए तरसती थी और क्योंकि जिससे वह प्रेम करती थी उसे छूना उसे बहुत स्वाभाविक लगता था। 

चूँकि उसी दिन मैं अपने घर के प्रवेश-द्वार के लिए एक छोटा ग़लीचा ख़रीदने गया था, इसलिए मैंने उसे परमेश्वर के नज़रिए से यह मुद्दा समझाने के लिए अपनी ख़रीदारी का ही उदाहरण दिया। दुकान में जब भी मैं किसी ग़लीचे को शेल्फ़ से उतारकर फ़र्श पर बिछाकर देखता कि वह कैसा लगेगा, मेरे दोनों छोटे बेटे तुरन्त उस पर चलने लगते। मुझे बार-बार उन्हें टोकना पड़ता कि किसी भी ग़लीचे पर पैर न रखें, क्योंकि वे अभी हमारे नहीं हुए थे। मुझे नहीं लगता था कि कोई ऐसा ग़लीचा ख़रीदना चाहेगा जिस पर चला गया हो और जो दूसरों के जूतों से मैला हो चुका हो। मैं तो नहीं ख़रीदता! 

मैंने उससे कहा कि यदि हमें उस ग़लीचे के साथ ऐसा बर्ताव करना चाहिए जो अभी हमारा नहीं है—जबकि वह बना ही चलने के लिए है—तो हमें किसी और के अनमोल और कोमल शरीर के साथ कैसा बर्ताव करना चाहिए? जो हमारा नहीं है, हमें उसके साथ ऐसा बर्ताव नहीं करना चाहिए मानो वह हमारा हो—भले ही हम आशा रखते हों कि किसी दिन वह हमारा हो जाएगा। हम किसी ग़लीचे को तब तक अपना नहीं मानते जब तक काउंटर पर जाकर उसका उचित दाम न चुका दें, और हमें किसी व्यक्ति को भी तब तक अपना नहीं मानना चाहिए जब तक हम विवाह-वेदी तक चलकर “जब तक मृत्यु हमें अलग न करे” कहते हुए अपना जीवन एक-दूसरे को समर्पित न कर दें। तब—और केवल तब—हम पति-पत्नी बनते हैं और एक-दूसरे के होजाते हैं, जैसा बाइबल 1 कुरिन्थियों की पुस्तक में बताती है: 

“पत्नीकाशरीरकेवलउसकाअपनानहीं, बल्किउसकेपतिकाभीहै।उसीप्रकारपतिकाशरीरकेवलउसकाअपनानहीं, बल्किउसकीपत्नीकाभीहै” (1 कुरिन्थियों 7:4)।

प्रेम को जगाने के लिए सही समय की प्रतीक्षा

एक-दूसरे के होजाने का यह भाव केवल विवाह के भीतर, पति-पत्नी के बीच ही आता है। 

यदि ऐसा है, तो विवाह से पहले किसी के साथ अपने शारीरिक संबंध में हम रेखा कहाँ खींचें? सबसे सुरक्षित जगह वही है जहाँ हम किसी और के पति या पत्नी के साथ रेखा खींचते। क्या मैं किसी और की पत्नी को रोमानी ढंग से चूमूँगा? क्या मैं अपना हाथ उसके घुटने पर टिका रहने दूँगा? क्या मैं उसके स्तनों या नितम्बों को छूऊँगा—चाहे वह वस्त्र पहने हो या नग्न हो? क्या मैं उसे किसी भी तरह से यौन रूप से उत्तेजित करूँगा, या उसे अपने साथ ऐसा करने दूँगा—चाहे वह पूर्ण संभोग हो या असली चीज़ का महज़ “अभिनय”? बिल्कुलनहीं! और इसके आगे—क्या मैं चाहूँगा कि विवाह से पहले कोई और मेरी भावी पत्नी को इन तरीक़ों से छुए? 

बाइबल की सबसे रोमानी पुस्तकों में से एक, श्रेष्ठगीत में, पुस्तक के प्रेमियों में से एक बार-बार आगाह करता है: 

“हेयरूशलेमकीस्त्रियो, तेज़दौड़तीहिरनियोंऔरजंगलकीहिरनियोंकीशपथ, मुझसेवादाकरोकिजबतकसहीसमयनआए, प्रेमकोनजगाओगी” (श्रेष्ठगीत 2:7ब, औरफिर 3:5बतथा 8:4बमें, NLT)।

परमेश्वर नहीं चाहते कि जब तक सही समय न आए, हम रोमानी प्रेम को जगाएँ तक। किसी रिश्ते में एक बार प्रेम जाग जाए, तो अपने हृदय को चीरे बिना पीछे लौटना बहुत कठिन हो जाता है। 

मैंने एक और महिला से बात की जो एक ऐसे पुरुष के साथ रह रही थी जिससे उसका विवाह नहीं हुआ था। उसने बताया कि वह पुरुष उसके साथ सचमुच बुरा बर्ताव करता है, पर वह उसके साथ जुड़ चुकी थी और समझ नहीं पा रही थी कि इससे कैसे निकले। उसने मुझसे पूछा कि क्या करूँ। मैंने कहा, “इस रिश्ते को अभी, इसी वक़्त रोक दो। उससे कहो कि तुम्हारा घर छोड़ दे। अपना हृदय ऐसे किसी को मत दो जो जीवन-भर उसकी देखभाल करने की प्रतिबद्धता लेने को तैयार नहीं!” उसकी आँखें खुल गईं कि वह क्या कर रही थी। दुर्भाग्य से, रिश्ते को तुरन्त रोकने की बजाय, उसे उससे घर छोड़ने के लिए कहने में एक महीना और लग गया। और घटनाओं के एक और दुखद मोड़ में, उसके आख़िरकार चले जाने के बाद, उसे पता चला कि साथ बिताए उस अंतिम महीने में वह उसके बच्चे की माँ बनने वाली है। जब तक उसे पता चला, तब तक पिता जा चुका था। 

कृपया, ऐसा कुछ न करें जिससे सही समय आने से पहले प्रेम जाग उठे। 

इसका अर्थ यह नहीं कि आप लोगों को मित्रता-भरा आलिंगन या अभिवादन का “पवित्र चुम्बन” नहीं दे सकते। पर मित्रता-भरे आलिंगन या पवित्र चुम्बन में और रोमानी, यौन रूप से उत्तेजक आलिंगन या चुम्बन में बड़ा अंतर है। अपने पति या पत्नी के अलावा किसी के भी साथ ऐसी कोई भी गतिविधि जो यौन रूप से उत्तेजित या उद्दीप्त करती हो, अनावश्यक है, निष्फल है और हानिकारक हो सकती है। आप पूछ सकते हैं, “इससे नुक़सान ही क्या हो सकता है?” यह अच्छा सवाल है। जैसे उदाहरण मैंने अभी दिए, इससे बहुत नुक़सान हो सकता है! पर यदि गर्भ या रोगों का सामना न भी करना पड़े, तो भी आपके हृदय को जो क्षति पहुँच सकती है, वह अपने आप में इतनी गंभीर है कि “सही समय” आने तक अपने पति या पत्नी के सिवा किसी के भी साथ “प्रेम को न जगाना” ही उचित है। विवाह से पहले के यौन संबंधों को लेकर लोग मुझे जो सबसे बड़े पछतावे बताते हैं, उनमें से एक यह है कि वे उन यादों को अपने विवाह में साथ ले आते हैं—ऐसी यादें जो जीवनसाथी के साथ एक अन्यथा सुंदर रिश्ते में बाधा डालती हैं, और जिन्हें मिटाया नहीं जा सकता।

इससे नुक़सान क्या हो सकता है? बहुत कुछ। पर इससे भी बेहतर सवाल है: “इससे भला क्या हो सकता है?” यदि यौन गतिविधियों में शामिल होना उन दोहरे उद्देश्यों में से किसी एक को भी पूरा नहीं करता जिनके लिए परमेश्वर ने पहले-पहल सेक्स की रचना की—यानी उस पति या पत्नी के साथ घनिष्ठता बढ़ाना या फल उत्पन्न करना जिसे परमेश्वर ने आपके लिए रचा है—तो उसकी अधिक संभावना यही है कि वह आपके लिए या दूसरों के लिए विनाशकारी होगी, चाहे अभी या आगे चलकर।

संकेत तक नहीं

किसी ग़लीचे पर यह देखने के लिए पैर रखने की ज़रूरत नहीं कि वह आपके लिए सही है या नहीं। ख़रीदने का निर्णय लेने से पहले आप उसे देख सकते हैं, सराह सकते हैं, यहाँ तक कि ध्यान से परख भी सकते हैं—और आपको ऐसा करना भी चाहिए—पर आपको उस पर चलने, उसे मैला करने, या उससे भी बुरा, उसे इतना गंदा कर देने की ज़रूरत नहीं कि कोई और उसे लेना ही न चाहे—जो दुर्भाग्य से बहुत से यौन संबंधों में होता है। 

तो फिर, अपने शारीरिक संबंधों में हम रेखा कहाँ खींचें? बाइबल कहती है कि हमारे बीच यौन अनैतिकता का संकेततक नहीं होना चाहिए: 

“परतुम्हारेबीचयौनअनैतिकताका, याकिसीभीप्रकारकीअशुद्धतायालालचका, संकेततकनहो, क्योंकियेबातेंपरमेश्वरकेपवित्रलोगोंकेलिएअनुचितहैं” (इफिसियों 5:3)।

उस व्यक्ति से हुई बातचीत ने लाना के साथ मेरे रिश्ते को देखने की मुझे नई आँखें दीं। यद्यपि कुछ महीनों बाद हमारा विवाह होने वाला था और हम अपने शारीरिक संबंध में “संकेत” की सीमाओं से आगे बढ़ चुके थे, फिर भी मुझे यह ज़रूरी लगा कि बचे हुए उन महीनों के लिए हम शारीरिक रूप से इतना पीछे हट जाएँ कि एक-दूसरे के साथ ऐसा बर्ताव करें मानो हम किसी और के पति या पत्नी हों—क्योंकि संभावना चाहे कितनी ही दूर की क्यों न लगे, हमारे विवाह के दिन तक यह गुंजाइश बनी हुई थी कि हम में से कोई किसी और का पति या पत्नी बन सकता था। दूरी बनाए रखना आसान नहीं था, और हम इसमें पूर्ण भी नहीं थे—ख़ासकर इसलिए कि हम पहले वे रेखाएँ पार कर चुके थे। पर फिर भी मुझे लाना को दोबारा चूमने तक के लिए उस पल की प्रतीक्षा करने में मूल्य दिखा, जब समारोह में पास्टर आख़िरकार कहें: “अब आप दुल्हन को चूम सकते हैं!” 

और जब वह पल आख़िरकार आया, तो कैसा अद्भुत पल था—लाना को चूम पाना, यह जानते हुए कि शीघ्र ही मैं उसे पूरी तरह अपनी बाँहों में ले सकूँगा, उन सारे अधिकारों और सौभाग्यों के साथ जो विवाह पति-पत्नी को देता है। विवाह से पहले यौन अनैतिकता के संकेत से भी जानबूझकर दूर रहने की कोशिश ने अविवाहित जीवन से विवाहित जीवन में क़दम रखने को और भी मीठा बना दिया।

पुनरावलोकन प्रश्न

1. जबआदमऔरहव्वापहलीबारसाथथे, तोदोनोंकेनंगेहोनेपरभीउन्हेंकिसबातकाअनुभवनहींहुआ? (उत्पत्ति 2:25)

2. मूसाकेदिनोंमें, व्यवस्थाकेअनुसारयदिकोईपुरुषयास्त्रीविवाहसेपहलेयौनसंबंधबनाएतोक्याकियाजानाचाहिएथा? (व्यवस्थाविवरण 22:20-21, व्यवस्थाविवरण 22:29)

3. हमअबइनव्यवस्थाओंकेदंडलागूक्योंनहींकरते? क्याइसलिएकिवेअबमान्ययामूल्यवाननहींरहीं? याकिसीऔरकारणसे? (यूहन्ना 8:1-11)

4. परमेश्वरनहींचाहतेकिहमारेजीवनमेंकिसचीज़का “संकेततक” हो? (इफिसियों 5:3)

अध्याय 3:
प्रलोभन से निपटना

“परजबतुमप्रलोभनमेंपड़ो, तोवहबचनेकामार्गभीनिकालेगा, ताकितुमउसमेंस्थिररहसको।”1 कुरिन्थियों 10:13ब

आदम और हव्वा भाग्यशाली थे, है न? उन्हें विवाह से पहले शुद्ध बने रहने के बारे में सोचना ही नहीं पड़ा। परमेश्वर ने हव्वा को सीधे आदम की गोद में ला बिठाया, वे जान गए कि वे एक-दूसरे के लिए ही बने हैं, और परमेश्वर ने उनसे कह दिया कि फूलो-फलो और संख्या में बढ़ो! 

इससे ज़्यादा भाग्यशाली भला कोई क्या होगा?

पर शुद्ध बने रहना हम में से किसी के लिए भी आसान नहीं—आदम और हव्वा के लिए भी नहीं था। 

उनकी कहानी के अगले ही वाक्य में, शैतान मंच पर आ गया और सवाल पूछने लगा: “क्यापरमेश्वरनेसचमुचकहाहै…?”

हमें गिराने की शैतान की सबसे कारगर चालों में से एक यही है: हमसे परमेश्वर की कही बात पर ही सवाल उठवाना—भले ही परमेश्वर की कही बात उस समय बिल्कुल स्पष्ट रही हो। परमेश्वर ने आदम से कहा था कि वह वाटिका के हर पेड़ का फल खा सकता है, सिवाय एक के, क्योंकि उसे खाते ही वह मर जाएगा। बाद में शैतान ने उनसे बस इतना पूछा:

“क्यापरमेश्वरनेसचमुचकहाहै, ‘तुमवाटिकाकेकिसीभीपेड़काफलनखाना’?” (उत्पत्ति 3:1ब)।

नहीं, परमेश्वर ने सचमुच ऐसा नहीं कहा था (देखें उत्पत्ति 3), पर आदम और हव्वा को चौंकाने के लिए इतना ही काफ़ी था। वे सोचने लगे कि जो परमेश्वर ने सचमुच कहा था, कहीं उससे बचकर अपनी मनचाही चीज़ पाने का कोई रास्ता तो नहीं। हालाँकि शुरुआत में उन्होंने इसका विरोध किया, पर अंततः वे इसके झाँसे में आ ही गए। 

और मैं भी आ गया।

परमेश्वर की मंशा का अंदाज़ा लगाना

हालाँकि मैं बचपन से चर्च जाता हुआ बड़ा हुआ था, हाई स्कूल पहुँचने पर मैं ख़ुद को दो पाटों के बीच फँसा पाने लगा—एक ओर अपनी यौन इच्छाओं को तृप्त करने की चाह, और दूसरी ओर यह जानकारी कि ऐसा करना ठीक नहीं होगा। मैं थोड़ा-थोड़ा करके हार मानने लगा। कॉलेज से स्नातक होते-होते, मैं यौन भोग की राह पर काफ़ी दूर निकल चुका था। 

लाना भी इसी तरह की राह पर चली। जब उसने डेटिंग शुरू की, तो वह ठीक-ठीक नहीं जानती थी कि जिन लड़कों के साथ वह डेटिंग कर रही है, उनके साथ शारीरिक संबंध में परमेश्वर उससे रेखा कहाँ खिंचवाना चाहते हैं। जब भी वह अपने शारीरिक संबंधों में किसी नई सीमा-रेखा पर पहुँचती, तो सोचती कि इसे पार करे या नहीं। हर बार वह इसी निष्कर्ष पर लौट आती कि परमेश्वर तो चाहते हैं कि वह ख़ुश रहे—और जो वह कर रही थी, उससे उसे सचमुच बहुत ख़ुशी मिलती थी! तो उसने अंदाज़ा लगा लिया कि जो वह कर रही है, वह ठीक ही होगा। 

लाना और मैंने, दोनों ने पाया कि एक बार जब हम किसी एक सीमा को पार करने का औचित्य गढ़ लेते हैं, तो अगली सीमा पार करना और आसान हो जाता है। हालाँकि गर्भ ठहरने के डर ने हम दोनों को विवाह से पहले किसी के साथ पूर्ण संभोग करने से रोके रखा, पर हम यह नहीं समझते थे कि जो कुछ हम कर रहे थे, वह हमें आगे चलकर संभावित शारीरिक समस्याओं की—और पक्के दिल टूटने की—ओर धकेल रहा था। और ये दोनों ही टाले जा सकते थे। 

लाना सही थी कि परमेश्वर सचमुच चाहते थे कि वह ख़ुश रहे! पर सच्ची ख़ुशी का रास्ता सच्ची पवित्रता है—परमेश्वर की नज़रों में भी और अपनी नज़रों में भी शुद्ध बने रहना। जैसा आदम और हव्वा को पता चला, जब हम ख़ुश रहने के बारे में परमेश्वर की बात का सिर्फ़ अंदाज़ा लगाते हैं, बजाय यह जानने के कि परमेश्वर सचमुच क्या कहते हैं, तो जल्द ही हमें पता चलता है कि जिस चीज़ से हमने ख़ुशी की उम्मीद की थी, वह बहुत क्षणभंगुर निकली—और हमारी कल्पना से भी अधिक दुःख की वजह बन सकती है।

दो प्रश्न

हमारे मानवीय नज़रिए से, लोगों की कुछ यौन गतिविधियाँ सेक्स का साफ़-साफ़ दुरुपयोग नहीं लगतीं। पर जब हम घूमकर उन्हें परमेश्वर के नज़रिए से देखते हैं, तो सेक्स के सदुपयोग और दुरुपयोग कहीं ज़्यादा साफ़ नज़र आने लगते हैं। 

एक दिन हमने अपने नए पिल्ले को प्रशिक्षित करने में मदद के लिए कुछ डॉग ट्रीट (कुत्तों के लिए स्वादिष्ट इनाम) ख़रीदे। हमने सोचा कि ये उसे ऐसी बातें सीखने के लिए प्रेरित करेंगे जो उसके और हमारे, दोनों के लिए अच्छी हों। उन दिनों हमारे घर में एक नन्ही बच्ची भी थी, जिसके हाथ वे ट्रीट लग गए! वह एक के बाद एक, लगातार पिल्ले को ट्रीट खिलाने लगी। हमारे पिल्ले को तो मज़ा आ गया! उसे जितने चाहिए उतने ट्रीट खाने को मिल रहे थे! पर सोचिए, हमें कैसा लगा होगा? हम चाहते तो थे कि पिल्ले को ट्रीट मिलें—आख़िर हमने उन्हें उसी के लिए ख़रीदा था—पर जिस तरह उसे वे मिल रहे थे, वह उसी मक़सद को मिटा रहा था जिसके लिए हमने उन्हें पहले-पहल ख़रीदा था।

परमेश्वर को भी ऐसा ही लगता होगा, जब हम सेक्स को ऐसे तरीक़ों से अपनाते हैं जो उसकी रचना के पीछे के उनके उद्देश्यों को पूरा नहीं करते। वे चाहते हैं कि हम समय आने पर सेक्स के इस उपहार का आनंद लें—ज़ाहिर है, उन्होंने इसे हमारे लिए आनंददायक ही रचा है—पर वे नहीं चाहते कि हम सेक्स को ऐसे तरीक़ों से अपनाएँ जो उन उद्देश्यों को ही मिटा दें जिनके लिए उन्होंने पहले-पहल इसे रचा था।

विवाह से पहले और विवाह के भीतर शुद्ध बने रहने का सबसे अच्छा तरीक़ा है—घूमकर सेक्स को परमेश्वर के नज़रिए से देखना। आम तौर पर आप पल-भर में देख सकते हैं कि जो आप कर रहे हैं, वह केवल स्वाद के लिए है या परमेश्वर के लिए। 

ये दो प्रश्न हैं जो आप ख़ुद से पूछ सकते हैं, ताकि यह तय करने में मदद मिले कि जो आप कर रहे हैं या करने की सोच रहे हैं, वह आपके लिए परमेश्वर की इच्छाओं के अनुरूप है या नहीं:

1. क्या इससे उस पति या पत्नी के साथ, जिसे परमेश्वर ने मेरे लिए रचा है, मेरी घनिष्ठता बढ़ेगी?
2. क्या इससे उस पति या पत्नी के साथ, जिसे परमेश्वर ने मेरे लिए रचा है, मेरी फलवन्तता बढ़ेगी?

यदि कोई गतिविधि आपको अपने जीवनसाथी के साथ अधिक घनिष्ठता या फलवन्तता की ओर नहीं ले जाती, तो उसकी अधिक संभावना यही है कि वह घनिष्ठता या फलवन्तता को नष्ट करेगी। 

बचने का मार्ग

मैं जानता हूँ कि यौन रूप से लुभाने वाली चीज़ों से ख़ुद को रोकना कितना कठिन हो सकता है। पर जैसा मैंने पहले कहा, परमेश्वर न केवल चाहते हैं कि हम शुद्ध रहें, वे शुद्ध रहने में हमारी मदद भी करेंगे।

यीशु कोई ऐसे शख़्स नहीं हैं जो “कहीं दूर” हों और जिन्हें हमारे संघर्षों की कोई ख़बर न हो। बाइबल यीशु के बारे में—जिन्हें यहाँ हमारा महायाजक कहा गया है—यह कहती है:

“क्योंकिहमारामहायाजकऐसानहींजोहमारीकमज़ोरियोंमेंहमारेसाथसहानुभूतिनरखसके, बल्किवहतोहरबातमेंहमारीहीतरहपरखागया—फिरभीनिष्पापरहा” (इब्रानियों 4:15)।

यीशु जानते और समझते हैं कि प्रलोभन में पड़ना कैसा होता है। पर वे हमें यह भी दिखाते हैं कि परमेश्वर हमें प्रलोभन से निकलने का मार्ग हमेशा देते हैं। 

मुझे पहले डार्ककैसल नाम का एक कंप्यूटर गेम खेलना बहुत पसंद था। मक़सद था उस क़िले से भागने की कोशिश करना जिसमें आप क़ैद थे। क़िले के हर कमरे में एक अलग चुनौती थी। कभी चमगादड़ों पर पत्थर फेंकने पड़ते, कभी हिलते पत्थरों पर से छलाँग लगानी पड़ती, तो कभी उड़ती चीज़ों से बचकर झुकना पड़ता। 

हर कमरे में कोई ख़ास चीज़ होती थी जो आपको उससे पार कराती: फेंकने के लिए पत्थरों की एक थैली, ऊँची छलाँग लगाने में मदद करने वाली कोई ख़ास कुंजी, या उड़ने में मदद करने वाला जेट पैक। मैं हर कमरे में तब तक चारों ओर देखता, जब तक बचकर निकलने का रास्ता न मिल जाए। रास्ता मिलते ही मैं उसे अपनाता और अगले कमरे में बढ़ जाता। आख़िरकार मैं अंत तक पहुँच गया। मैंने दुश्मन को हराया, क़िले से भाग निकला और अंततः आज़ाद हो गया।

परमेश्वर ने वादा किया है कि जब भी हम किसी प्रलोभन का सामना करें, उन्होंने बचकर निकलने का एक मार्ग तैयार रखा है। हो सकता है वह हमें तुरन्त न दिखे, या हम उसे देखना ही न चाहें, पर वह हमेशा वहाँ होता है। बाइबल कहती है:

“तुमपरकोईऐसाप्रलोभननहींआयाजोमनुष्यकेलिएसामान्यनहो।औरपरमेश्वरविश्वासयोग्यहै; वहतुम्हेंतुम्हारीसहनशक्तिसेअधिकपरखेजानेनदेगा।परजबतुमप्रलोभनमेंपड़ो, तोवहबचनेकामार्गभीनिकालेगा, ताकितुमउसमेंस्थिररहसको” (1 कुरिन्थियों 10:13)।

मेरा एक मित्र किसी दूसरे देश में यात्रा कर रहा था, जब उसे एक शहर के उस इलाक़े में जाने का प्रलोभन हुआ जो हर तरह की यौन गतिविधियों के लिए बदनाम था। उसने कहा कि वह बस देखना चाहता था कि वहाँ कैसा है। सबवे (मेट्रो) में चढ़ते हुए उसने एक छोटी-सी प्रार्थना की, कि हे परमेश्वर, यदि आप नहीं चाहते कि मैं यह करूँ, तो बचने का कोई मार्ग दे दीजिए।

जब ट्रेन उसके गंतव्य पर रुकी, तो वह प्लेटफ़ॉर्म पर उतरा और जल्द ही लोगों के एक समूह ने उसे घेर लिया, जो उसे अपने साथ चलने के लिए कहने लगे। हालाँकि उनकी भाषा समझने में उसे कठिनाई हो रही थी, पर वह समझ गया कि ये लोग मसीही ही होंगे और उसे अपने चर्च में आमंत्रित कर रहे हैं। अपनी प्रार्थना याद करके, उसने तय किया कि जहाँ जाने की उसने पहले योजना बनाई थी वहाँ जाने की बजाय वह इनके साथ जाएगा। आश्चर्य की बात, जब वह उनके चर्च पहुँचा, तो उन्होंने उसे बपतिस्मा दिया। उन्होंने उसे एक कप गरम चाय दी और घर लौटने के लिए सबवे का एक और टिकट—जिसका उसने फ़ौरन वही इस्तेमाल किया!

बेशक, आसान तो यह होता कि पाप की ओर बढ़ने का ख़याल आते ही मेरा मित्र ट्रेन में चढ़ता ही नहीं। पर परमेश्वर ने फिर भी उसकी प्रार्थना सुनी और उसे बचने का एक और मार्ग दिया—यह इस बात का प्रमाण है कि हमें प्रलोभन से निकालने के लिए परमेश्वर किस हद तक जाते हैं। 

यीशु जानते थे कि हमारे प्रलोभन कितने वास्तविक और गंभीर होंगे। वे जानते थे कि यह इतना महत्वपूर्ण है कि उन्होंने इसे उस आदर्श प्रार्थना में भी शामिल किया जो उन्होंने अपने चेलों को सिखाई, और जिसे हम आज प्रभु की प्रार्थना कहते हैं। उसका एक अंश कहता है: 

“औरहमेंप्रलोभनमेंनपड़नेदे, परन्तुउसदुष्टसेबचा” (मत्ती 6:13)।

प्रेरित पौलुस को प्रलोभन का विरोध करना इतना महत्वपूर्ण लगा कि उन्होंने कुरिन्थ के लोगों को लिखा: 

“यौनअनैतिकतासेभागो।” (1 कुरिन्थियों 6:18अ)।

यूसुफ़ को प्रलोभन से भागना इतना ज़रूरी लगा कि जब प्रलोभन उसके पास आया, तो वह उल्टी दिशा में दौड़ पड़ा! देखिए, जब पोतीफर की पत्नी ने यूसुफ़ को बहकाने की कोशिश की, तो उसने क्या किया: 

“उसनेउसकावस्त्रपकड़करकहा, ‘मेरेसाथसो!’ परवहअपनावस्त्रउसकेहाथमेंहीछोड़करघरसेबाहरभागगया।” (उत्पत्ति 39:12)। 

भागने की वजह से यूसुफ़ को जेल में डाल दिया गया, पर उस क़ीमत के आगे जेल कुछ भी नहीं थी जो रुक जाने पर उसे चुकानी पड़ती! अंत में परमेश्वर ने यूसुफ़ की आज्ञाकारिता का मान रखा और उसे पूरे मिस्र का दूसरा सबसे बड़ा अधिकारी बना दिया।

जब हम प्रलोभन में पड़ते हैं, परमेश्वर हमेशा बचने का मार्ग देते हैं—भले ही वह बस मुड़कर भाग जाना ही क्यों न हो—और वे चाहते हैं कि हम हर बार उसे अपनाएँ। 

आत्म-संयम सीखना

प्रलोभन से निपटने के सबसे अच्छे तरीक़ों में से एक है, जहाँ तक हो सके ख़ुद को उसके रास्ते से हटा लेना। हालाँकि हम सारे प्रलोभन ख़त्म नहीं कर सकते, पर उन पर हमारा नियंत्रण जितना हम सोचते हैं उससे कहीं अधिक है।

यह बात मैंने ख़ुद तब जानी जब मैंने उसी व्यक्ति से हुई बातचीत की एक और सीख को अमल में लाया, जो मेरी शुद्धता के लिए मुझे प्रोत्साहित कर रहे थे। दूसरों के साथ मेरे शारीरिक बर्ताव की बात के बाद, बातचीत इस ओर मुड़ी कि मैं अपनेआप के साथ शारीरिक रूप से कैसा बर्ताव करता हूँ। उन्होंने पूछा कि क्या मैं अब भी हस्तमैथुन करता हूँ—यानी ख़ुद को इस तरह छूना जिससे किसी के साथ संभोग किए बिना ही यौन अंग उत्तेजित होकर चरम-सुख तक पहुँच जाएँ। मैंने कहा कि हाँ, करता हूँ। हालाँकि मैं सोचता रहा था कि परमेश्वर हस्तमैथुन के बारे में क्या सोचते होंगे, पर बाइबल में मुझे इसके विरुद्ध इतने प्रमाण कभी नहीं मिले थे कि मैं इसे छोड़ने के लिए क़ायल हो जाऊँ।

उन्होंने बताया कि हस्तमैथुन के बारे में पूछने की वजह ख़ुद हस्तमैथुन का मुद्दा उतना नहीं था, जितना आत्म-संयम का मुद्दा—क्योंकि आत्म-संयम का उल्लेख बाइबल में स्पष्ट रूप से है:

“परमेश्वरकीइच्छायहहैकितुमपवित्रबनो: कितुमयौनअनैतिकतासेदूररहो; कितुममेंसेहरएकअपनेशरीरकोपवित्रताऔरआदरकेसाथवशमेंरखनासीखे, नकिउनअन्यजातियोंकीतरहवासनाकीतीव्रलालसामें, जोपरमेश्वरकोनहींजानतीं” (1 थिस्सलुनीकियों 4:3-5)।

उन्होंने आगे कहा कि उन्होंने पाया है कि हस्तमैथुन केवल अविवाहितों का ही मुद्दा नहीं, विवाहितों का भी है। जो लोग विवाह से पहले नियमित रूप से हस्तमैथुन करते थे, वे आम तौर पर विवाह के बाद भी करते रहते हैं। हस्तमैथुन का संघर्ष यौन तृप्ति का संघर्ष नहीं, आत्म-संयम का संघर्ष है।

जब उन्होंने कई पत्नियों से यह पूछा था कि अगर उन्हें पता चले कि उनके पति विवाह के बाद भी हस्तमैथुन करते हैं तो वे क्या सोचेंगी, तो एक भी स्त्री ने इसे अच्छा नहीं बताया। किसी ने सोचा कि कहीं पत्नी के रूप में वे ही तो यौन रूप से कुछ ग़लत नहीं कर रहीं, तो किसी ने यह कि जो पुरुष इस मामले में ख़ुद पर संयम नहीं रख पाते, वे और क्या-क्या करते होंगे।

फिर उन्होंने एक ऐसी बात कही जिसने मुझे प्रेरित कर दिया: उन्होंने बताया कि उन्होंने—और उनके जानने वाले कई और लोगों ने—हस्तमैथुन को पूरी तरह छोड़ देने की प्रतिबद्धता ली है। उनमें से हर एक गवाही दे सकता था कि इसने उनके जीवन में कितना ज़बरदस्त अंतर ला दिया है। उन्होंने मेरे सामने एक चुनौती रख दी थी, जिसे उठाकर अपने जीवन में लागू करना है या नहीं, यह मुझे तय करना था।

मैंने तय किया कि यह आज़माने लायक़ है। इसलिए मैंने ख़ुद से और लाना से यह प्रतिबद्धता ली कि मैं हस्तमैथुन को पूरी तरह छोड़ने की कोशिश करूँगा—हमारे विवाह से पहले ही। और इस प्रतिबद्धता के प्रति ख़ुद को जवाबदेह रखने के लिए, मैंने उससे कहा कि अगर मैं कभी हस्तमैथुन के आगे हार गया, तो उसी दिन के ख़त्म होने से पहले उसके सामने इसे स्वीकार करूँगा। 

काश मैं कह पाता कि इस मामले में भी अपने संकल्प में मैं पूर्ण रहा हूँ, पर ऐसा नहीं है! पर यह ज़रूर कह सकता हूँ कि जब-जब मैं हारा हूँ, दिन ख़त्म होने से पहले लाना को बताने की अपनी प्रतिबद्धता मैंने निभाई है। वह शर्मिंदगी-भरा इक़रार बस कुछ ही बार करना पड़ा, और मेरा संकल्प हमेशा के लिए पक्का हो गया। इसका मतलब यह नहीं कि प्रलोभन ख़त्म हो गया है या उनके आगे झुकने का मन नहीं करता, पर इसका मतलब यह ज़रूर है कि आत्म-संयम की मेरी चाह ने हार मानने की चाह को पीछे छोड़ दिया है।

हृदय में रेखा खींचना

उस एक फ़ैसले ने बरसों से मुझे एक नहीं, कई तरह से शुद्ध बनाए रखा है।

सोलह वर्ष बाद जब संयोग से उस व्यक्ति से मेरी फिर मुलाक़ात हुई, तो मैंने उन्हें अपने परिवार की तस्वीर दिखाई—वह परिवार, जो हमारी पहली बातचीत के समय बस मेरी आँखों का एक सपना भर था। मैंने सच्चाई की उन डलियों के लिए उनका धन्यवाद किया जो उन्होंने मुझसे बाँटी थीं, और बताया कि हस्तमैथुन छोड़ने के मेरे फ़ैसले ने मुझे और भी कई तरह से शुद्ध बनाए रखा है। 

हस्तमैथुन पर नियंत्रण पाने ने मुझे उन और गंभीर यौन गतिविधियों से भी दूर रखा है जिनकी पवित्रशास्त्र में साफ़-साफ़ निंदा की गई है, जैसे:

• व्यभिचार, जिसमें ऐसे किसी व्यक्ति के साथ यौन संबंध शामिल है जो आपका पति या पत्नी नहीं है, और जो दस आज्ञाओं में गिना गया है: “तूव्यभिचारनकरना” (निर्गमन 20:14)।
• वेश्यागमन, जिसमें किसी को अपने साथ यौन संबंध बनाने के लिए पैसा देना शामिल है: “क्यातुमनहींजानतेकितुम्हारेशरीरस्वयंमसीहकेअंगहैं? तोक्यामैंमसीहकेअंगोंकोलेकरउन्हेंकिसीवेश्यासेजोड़दूँ? कभीनहीं! क्यातुमनहींजानतेकिजोकोईवेश्यासेजुड़ताहै, वहउसकेसाथशरीरमेंएकहोजाताहै? क्योंकिकहागयाहै, ‘वेदोनोंएकतनहोंगे’” (1 कुरिन्थियों 6:15-16)।
• और पोर्नोग्राफ़ी (अश्लीलसामग्री), जिसमें ऐसी किताबें, पत्रिकाएँ, तस्वीरें, टेप या फ़िल्में देखना शामिल है जो आपको यौन रूप से उत्तेजित करने के लिए बनाई गई हैं। यीशु ने कहा: “तुमनेसुनाहैकिकहागयाथा, ‘व्यभिचारनकरना।’ परमैंतुमसेकहताहूँकिजोकोईकिसीस्त्रीकोवासनाकीदृष्टिसेदेखताहै, वहअपनेहृदयमेंउसकेसाथव्यभिचारकरचुका” (मत्ती 5:27-29)।

लोग अक्सर पूछते हैं, “मैं कहाँ तक जा सकता हूँ?”—यानी, “परमेश्वर के पाप मानने से पहले मैं किसी के साथ शारीरिक रूप से कहाँ तक जा सकता हूँ?” यह आम सवाल है, पर मुझे लगता है कि यह ग़लत सवाल है। व्यभिचार पर अपने कथन में यीशु प्रकट करते हैं कि पाप केवल तब नहीं होता जब हम कोई शारीरिक सीमा पार करते हैं, बल्कि तब होता है जब हम अपने हृदय की सीमा पार करते हैं। रेखा खींचने की सबसे अच्छी जगह देह नहीं, हृदय है—क्योंकि हृदय में एक बार रेखा पार हो जाए, तो देह में उसे पार करना उतना ही आसान हो जाता है। बाइबल समझाती है कि कैसे हमारे हृदय की ग़लतइच्छाएँ हमें ग़लतकामों तक, और ग़लत काम विनाश तक ले जा सकते हैं:

“प्रलोभनमेंपड़नेपरकोईयहनकहे, ‘परमेश्वरमुझेपरखरहाहै।’ क्योंकिनतोबुराईपरमेश्वरकोपरखसकतीहैऔरनहीवहकिसीकोपरखताहै; परन्तुहरव्यक्तिअपनीहीबुरीइच्छासेखिंचकरऔरफँसकरप्रलोभनमेंपड़ताहै।फिरइच्छागर्भवतीहोकरपापकोजन्मदेतीहै; औरपाप, जबपूराबढ़जाताहै, तोमृत्युकोजन्मदेताहै” (याकूब 1:13-15)।

क्रॉस मिनिस्ट्री के कार्यकारी निदेशक टिम विल्किंस, जिनकी संस्था भी लोगों को उनके यौन संघर्षों से उबरने में मदद करती है, प्रलोभन से निपटने के लिए यह उपयोगी कहानी सुनाते हैं:

एकधनी, कुलीनमहिलाअपनीरोल्सरॉयसचलानेकेलिएसंभावितचालकोंकेआवेदनदेखरहीथी।उसनेआवेदकोंमेंसेतीनपुरुषचुनेऔरउन्हेंअपनेआलीशानघरबुलाया।

वहहरएककोअलग–अलगअपनेड्राइववेऔरउसकेबग़लकीईंटोंकीदीवारकेपासलेगई।

उसनेपूछा, “अगरतुममेरीरोल्सचलारहेहोते, तोतुम्हारेख़यालसेतुमउसईंटोंकीदीवारकेकितनेक़रीबसेगुज़रसकतेहोकिमेरीगाड़ीपरख़रोंचनआए?”

पहलेआवेदकनेकहा, “मैंउसदीवारसेएकफ़ुटकीदूरीपरगाड़ीचलासकताहूँऔरआपकीरोल्सकोकोईनुक़साननहींहोगा।”

उसनेदूसरेआवेदककोबुलाकरपूछा, “अगरतुममेरीरोल्सचलारहेहोते, तोतुम्हारेख़यालसेतुमउसईंटोंकीदीवारकेकितनेक़रीबसेगुज़रसकतेहोकिमेरीगाड़ीपरख़रोंचनआए?”

उसनेसिरखुजातेहुएकहा, “मैंउसदीवारसेछहइंचकीदूरीपरगाड़ीचलासकताहूँऔरआपकीगाड़ीकोकोईनुक़साननहींहोगा।”

उसनेतीसरेआवेदककोबुलाकरपूछा, “अगरतुममेरीरोल्सचलारहेहोते, तोतुम्हारेख़यालसेतुमउसईंटोंकीदीवारकेकितनेक़रीबसेगुज़रसकतेहोकिमेरीगाड़ीपरख़रोंचनआए?”

उसनेबिनाझिझकेकहा, “मैडम, मैंनहींजानताकिआपकीगाड़ीकोनुक़सानपहुँचाएबिनामैंदीवारकेकितनेक़रीबजासकताहूँ, परअगरमैंआपकीगाड़ीचलारहाहोता, तोदीवारसेजितनीदूररहसकता, उतनीदूररहता, ताकिआपकीगाड़ीकोकोईनुक़साननपहुँचे।”

बताइए, नौकरीकिसेमिली?

टिम आगे कहते हैं, “यौन प्रलोभन के मामले में सवाल यह नहीं कि कोई बिना ‘ख़रोंच’ खाए प्रलोभन के कितने क़रीब जा सकता है, बल्कि यह कि उससे जितना हो सके उतना दूर रहा जाए। ‘उससेदूरहीदूरअपनामार्गरखना, उसकेघरकेद्वारकेपासभीनजाना…’ (नीतिवचन 5:8)।”

मेरे लिए, हस्तमैथुन जैसी शुरुआती जगह पर ही रेखा खींच लेने से मैं उन गतिविधियों में खिंचने से बच सका हूँ जो इस राह पर और आगे हैं, और जो मेरे जीवन और विवाह के लिए परमेश्वर की इच्छाओं—और मेरी इच्छाओं—के लिए कहीं अधिक विनाशकारी हो सकती थीं। इसने मुझे अपने विचारों को क़ाबू में रखने में मदद की है, यह जानते हुए कि किसी लुभावने ख़याल पर पल-भर से ज़्यादा ठहरने की कोई ज़रूरत नहीं, क्योंकि मैं जानता हूँ कि मैं उस ख़याल पर अमल नहीं करूँगा—भले ही वह “सिर्फ़” हस्तमैथुन के ज़रिए ही क्यों न हो।

मेरी शुद्धता के लिए मुझे प्रोत्साहित करने वाले उस व्यक्ति ने कहा कि वे आज भी लोगों को हस्तमैथुन छोड़ने की सलाह देते हैं, ख़ासकर उन्हें जो दूसरे यौन प्रलोभनों से जूझ रहे हों, दो कारणों से: 1) क्योंकि इससे व्यक्ति का अपने शरीर पर नियंत्रण पाने की क्षमता में आत्मविश्वास बढ़ता है, और 2) क्योंकि अगर वे कभी-कभार इस संघर्ष में असफल हो भी जाएँ, तो उसके परिणाम उतने विनाशकारी नहीं होते जितने और गंभीर प्रलोभनों में गिरने के होते।

हमारे शरीर को वश में रखने से जुड़ी, परमेश्वर के वचन पर आधारित सच्चाई की इस एक डली ने मुझे, मेरी पत्नी को और मेरे परिवार को जीवन-भर के दुःख से बचा लिया है। कोई आश्चर्य नहीं कि मुझे बाइबल इतनी प्रिय है! 

बाइबल इस अटकलबाज़ी को ख़त्म कर देती है कि परमेश्वर सेक्स के बारे में क्या कहते होंगे। अगले अध्याय में मैं आपको वह पहली बात बताऊँगा जो मैंने वयस्क होकर सेक्स के विषय में बाइबल में पढ़ी—एक ऐसी बात जो मेरे जीवन के सबसे महत्वपूर्ण मोड़ों में से एक साबित हुई।

पुनरावलोकन प्रश्न

1. हमसेपापकरवानेकीशैतानकीसबसेकारगरचालोंमेंसेएकक्याहै? (उत्पत्ति 3:1)

2. यहतयकरनेकेलिएकिकोईयौनरूपसेउत्तेजितकरनेवालीगतिविधिपरमेश्वरकेउद्देश्योंकेअनुरूपहैयानहीं, आपख़ुदसेकौन–सेदोप्रश्नपूछसकतेहैं?

3. जबआपपापकेप्रलोभनमेंपड़तेहैं, तोपरमेश्वरकहतेहैंकिवेआपकेलिएहमेशाक्याकरेंगे? (1 कुरिन्थियों 10:13)

4. परमेश्वरचाहतेहैंकिहमकिसचीज़कोवशमेंरखनासीखें? (1 थिस्सलुनीकियों 4:3-5)

अध्याय 4:
फिर से शुद्ध बनना

“यदिहमअपनेपापोंकाअंगीकारकरें, तोवहविश्वासयोग्यऔरधर्मीहै: वहहमारेपापक्षमाकरेगाऔरहमेंसारीअधार्मिकतासेशुद्धकरेगा।”1 यूहन्ना 1:8-9

आपकी शुद्धता परमेश्वर के लिए इतनी मायने रखती है कि उन्होंने आपके लिए फिर से शुद्ध बनने का मार्ग तैयार किया है—भले ही आपसे भूल हो जाए। और जीवन में कभी-न-कभी हम सबसे भूल होती ही है! 

जब हम पाप करते हैं, तो परमेश्वर को आश्चर्य नहीं होता। आदम और हव्वा से लेकर आप और मुझ तक, हम में से किसी का भी नैतिक रिपोर्ट-कार्ड बेदाग़ नहीं है। जब हम पाप करते हैं, तो हम में से अधिकांश वही महसूस करते हैं जो आदम और हव्वा ने महसूस किया:

“उसीक्षणउनदोनोंकीआँखेंखुलगईं, औरउन्हेंअचानकअपनेनंगेपनपरलज्जामहसूसहुई।इसलिएउन्होंनेअंजीरकेपत्तेजोड़करअपनीकमरकेचारोंओरलपेटलिए, ताकिअपनेआपकोढकसकें।

“शामहोते–होतेउन्होंनेयहोवापरमेश्वरकोवाटिकामेंचलतेहुएसुना, तोवेपेड़ोंकेबीचछिपगए।यहोवापरमेश्वरनेआदमकोपुकारा, ‘तूकहाँहै?’

“उसनेउत्तरदिया, ‘मैंनेतेरीआवाज़सुनी, इसलिएछिपगया।मैंडरगया, क्योंकिमैंनंगाहूँ’” (उत्पत्ति 3:7-10, NLT)।

जब हम पाप करते हैं, तो हम अपने आपको नंगा और लज्जित महसूस करते हैं—अपना नंगापन ढकने की कोशिश करते हैं और फिर परमेश्वर से दूर भागते हैं। पर वही समय होता है जब हमें सबसे ज़्यादा ज़रूरत परमेश्वर की ओर लौट भागने की होती है। वे हमें फिर से शुद्धता में बहाल करना चाहते हैं। परमेश्वर आदम और हव्वा से इतना प्रेम करते थे कि उन्हें यूँ ही नहीं छोड़ सकते थे। वे उन्हें ढूँढ़ने निकले, ठीक वैसे ही जैसे अपने महान प्रेम के कारण वे हमें भी ढूँढ़ने निकलते हैं।

“परन्तुपरमेश्वरहमपरअपनाप्रेमइसरीतिसेप्रकटकरताहै: जबहमपापीहीथे, तभीमसीहहमारेलिएमरा” (रोमियों 5:8)।

यदि आप अपने पाप के कारण अपने आपको नंगा और लज्जित महसूस कर रहे हैं, तो आपको भागने की ज़रूरत नहीं। बस मुड़ जाइए। आप पाएँगे कि परमेश्वर आपके पीछे-पीछे दौड़ते आ रहे हैं और आपको वापस अपनाने और फिर से शुद्ध बनाने के लिए उत्सुक हैं। 

जो बाइबल हमें बेहतरीन-से-बेहतरीन यौन जीवन का रास्ता दिखाती है, वही बाइबल हमें यह भी दिखाती है कि जब हम परमेश्वर के सर्वोत्तम से चूक जाएँ, तो क्षमा कैसे पाएँ।

पाप में गिरना

मुझे इस बात का एहसास ही नहीं था कि परमेश्वर सेक्स के बारे में जो कहते हैं, उससे मैं कितनी दूर भटक गया हूँ—जब तक कि कॉलेज से निकलने के अगले वर्ष मैंने ख़ुद बाइबल पढ़नी शुरू नहीं की। जितना मैं पढ़ता गया, उतना ही मुझे एहसास होता गया कि यौन रूप से जो कुछ मैंने किया था, वह परमेश्वर की नज़रों में ग़लत था—और अगर मैं वही करता रहा, तो वह मेरा जीवन तक नष्ट कर सकता था। मैं देखने लगा कि मेरे ग़लत चुनाव और मेरे किए पाप वास्तव में मेरी अपनी मृत्यु का कारण बन सकते हैं। बाइबल के एक वचन ने मुझे विशेष रूप से झकझोरा, जिसने मेरे लिए स्पष्ट कर दिया कि यदि मैं मर जाता, तो मैं बस अपनी ही पापमयता का परिणाम काट रहा होता—वह मज़दूरी, जो मैंने अपने पाप के बदले कमाई थी:

“क्योंकिपापकीमज़दूरीमृत्युहै, परन्तुपरमेश्वरकावरदानहमारेप्रभुमसीहयीशुमेंअनन्तजीवनहै” (रोमियों 6:23)।

जब मैंने देखा कि ये शब्द ख़ास मेरे जीवन पर लागू होते हैं, तो मैंने तय किया कि डाउनटाउन ह्यूस्टन से होकर बहने वाली एक जलधारा (बायू) के किनारे परमेश्वर के साथ एक लंबी सैर करूँगा।

चलते-चलते मैं सोचने लगा कि कहीं यौन रूप से किए गए मेरे कुछ कामों ने—संभावित यौन रोगों के ज़रिए—मेरे शरीर को पहले ही ऐसा नुक़सान तो नहीं पहुँचा दिया जिसकी भरपाई न हो सके। पहले मैंने इस पर कभी ज़्यादा ध्यान नहीं दिया था, पर पाप के स्वाभाविक परिणामों के बारे में बाइबल की बातें पढ़ने के बाद, मैं जान गया कि यह पूरी तरह संभव है कि जो मैंने बोया था, वही मुझे अंततः काटना पड़े। 

साथ ही, मैं यह भी देखने लगा था कि परमेश्वर के पास सचमुच इस संसार के लिए—और ख़ास तौर पर मेरे जीवन के लिए भी—एक योजना है। मुझे एहसास हुआ कि मेरे पाप केवल मुझे ही नहीं गिराएँगे, बल्कि मेरे जीवन के लिए परमेश्वर की योजनाओं को भी गिरा देंगे। मैं देख सकता था कि जिस रास्ते पर मैं था, उससे बेहतर रास्ता परमेश्वर ने मेरे लिए सोच रखा है, और मैं किसी भी चीज़ से बढ़कर यह जानना चाहता था कि उस रास्ते पर पहुँचूँ कैसे। 

पर कैसे? जो मैं कर चुका था, उसे अनकिया कैसे करूँ? अपने ग़लत विचार, भावनाएँ और इच्छाएँ कैसे बदलूँ? जिन आदतों में मैं पड़ चुका था और जो अब भी मुझे नष्ट करने पर तुली थीं, उन्हें कैसे बदलूँ?

मानो मेरे सवालों के जवाब में, मुझे बाइबल में एक और कहानी मिल गई—दो अंधों की कहानी, जो चंगे होने के लिए यीशु के पास आए। बायू के किनारे चलते हुए मैं अपनी बाइबल साथ लिए हुए था और मत्ती की पुस्तक पढ़ रहा था। अंधों की गुहार के जवाब में यीशु के शब्दों ने मुझे सोचने पर मजबूर कर दिया। उन्होंने यीशु को पुकारा: 

“हेदाऊदकीसन्तान, हमपरदयाकर!” (मत्ती 9:27ब)। 

बाइबल में और जगहों पर यीशु ने लोगों को चंगा करने के लिए झुककर मिट्टी का लेप बनाकर उनकी आँखों पर लगाया, या उनसे किसी ख़ास कुंड में डुबकी लगाने को कहा। पर इन दोनों के साथ ऐसा नहीं किया। यीशु ने उनसे एक प्रश्न पूछा:

“क्यातुम्हेंविश्वासहैकिमैंयहकरसकताहूँ?” (मत्ती 9:28ब)।

उनके उत्तर के आधार पर ही यीशु उन्हें चंगा करते या नहीं करते। 

मैं चाहता था कि यीशु मुझे मेरी ग़लत यौन इच्छाओं और कामों से चंगा करें, ठीक वैसे ही जैसे अंधों ने उनसे अपनी आँखें चंगी करने के लिए कहा था। मुझे लगा जैसे वे मुझसे भी वही प्रश्न पूछ रहे हैं: “एरिक, क्या तुझे विश्वास है कि मैं यह भी कर सकता हूँ?” मैंने यीशु के बारे में अब तक की सीखी हर बात याद की: कैसे उन्होंने बीमारों को चंगा किया, पानी पर चले और मरे हुओं को जिलाया। मैं जानता था कि अगर कोई यह कर सकता है, तो वह यीशु ही हैं।

मैं रास्ते में रुक गया और अपना हाथ हवा में उठा दिया। ठीक उन अंधों की तरह मैंने उत्तर दिया, “हाँ, प्रभु।” और ठीक उन अंधों की तरह, यीशु ने मुझे चंगा किया: 

“तबउसनेउनकीआँखेंछूकरकहा, ‘तुम्हारेविश्वासकेअनुसारतुम्हारेलिएहोजाए,’ औरउनकीदृष्टिलौटआई” (मत्ती 9:29-30अ)।

मैं उसी क्षण जान गया कि मैं चंगा हो गया हूँ। यह इतना स्पष्ट था, मानो मैं अंधा रहा होऊँ और अब देख सकता हूँ। अगले दिन मैंने अपने जीवन की हर बात के लिए मसीह पर विश्वास रखा—उनसे अपने पापों की क्षमा माँगी और उनसे अनन्त जीवन का वरदान पाया। यही मेरे बाक़ी के जीवन का निर्णायक मोड़ साबित हुआ। 

दाऊद का निर्णायक मोड़

यदि आपने कभी पाप किया है, तो आप अच्छी संगति में हैं—या कम-से-कम बहुतबड़ी संगति में। यह गुण हम सब में साझा है। 

बाइबल कहती है, “…क्योंकिसबनेपापकियाहैऔरपरमेश्वरकीमहिमासेरहितहैं” (रोमियों 3:23), और “हमसबभेड़ोंकीतरहभटकगएथे, हममेंसेहरएकअपनेहीमार्गकीओरमुड़गयाथा…” (यशायाह 53:6अ)। 

पाप—किसी भी प्रकार का—परमेश्वर के हमारे लिए रखे भरपूर जीवन को शायद किसी भी और चीज़ से ज़्यादा शॉर्ट-सर्किट कर देता है। यौन पाप तो विशेष रूप से विनाशकारी लगता है। क्यों? बाइबल कहती है,

“यौनअनैतिकतासेभागो।मनुष्यजितनेभीअन्यपापकरताहै, वेउसकेशरीरकेबाहरहोतेहैं, परजोयौनपापकरताहै, वहअपनेहीशरीरकेविरुद्धपापकरताहै” (1 कुरिन्थियों 6:18)।

पर परमेश्वर ने हमें इस शॉर्ट-सर्किट से उबरकर फिर से पूरी शक्ति में लौटने का एक मार्ग दिया है: अंगीकार के द्वारा।

अंगीकार का अर्थ है “सहमत होना”—यह मान लेना कि जो हमने किया वह ग़लत था, और उसे फिर से ठीक करने की चाह रखना। यही अंगीकार दाऊद ने परमेश्वर के सामने व्यक्त किया, जब बतशेबा के साथ उसका पाप आख़िरकार उसके सामने आ खड़ा हुआ।

आपको शायद याद हो कि दाऊद सभी समयों के सबसे महान राजाओं में से एक था, पर वह बतशेबा के साथ—जो किसी और पुरुष की पत्नी थी—यौन पाप में गिर गया। जब दाऊद ने अपने महल से बाहर देखा और उसे अपनी छत पर नंगे नहाते देखा, तो वह उसे पाना चाहने लगा। उसने उसे अपने पास बुलवाया और अपने जीवन के सबसे निचले बिंदुओं में से एक पर जा गिरा। शायद वह अपनी मृत्यु के दिन तक उसी बिंदु पर पड़ा रहता, यदि परमेश्वर ने दाऊद के एक सलाहकार के द्वारा उसके पाप के लिए उसका सामना न किया होता। जब दाऊद को एहसास हुआ कि उसने क्या किया है, तो उसने परमेश्वर के सामने अंगीकार में अपना हृदय उँडेल दिया।

दाऊद के शब्द भजन 51 में दर्ज हैं: 

“हेपरमेश्वर, अपनेअटलप्रेमकेअनुसारमुझपरदयाकर; अपनीबड़ीकरुणाकेअनुसारमेरेअपराधमिटादे।मेरासाराअधर्मधोडालऔरमुझेमेरेपापसेशुद्धकर।क्योंकिमैंअपनेअपराधजानताहूँ, औरमेरापापसदामेरेसामनेरहताहै। … जूफ़ासेमुझेशुद्धकर, तोमैंशुद्धहोजाऊँगा; मुझेधो, तोमैंहिमसेभीअधिकश्वेतहोजाऊँगा। … हेपरमेश्वर, मेरेभीतरएकशुद्धहृदयरच, औरमेरेभीतरएकस्थिरआत्मानईकरदे” (भजनसंहिता 51:1-3, 7, 10)।

दाऊद और बतशेबा ने—और उनके आस-पास के लोगों ने भी—अपने पाप की क़ीमत चुकाई। बतशेबा का पति मारा गया, जब दाऊद ने पाप छिपाने की कोशिश में उसे मरवा डाला। फिर दाऊद और बतशेबा से जन्मा बेटा भी जन्म के कुछ ही समय बाद मर गया। और सबसे ऊपर, उनका पाप बाइबल में सदा के लिए दर्ज हो गया, हम सबके देखने के लिए। 

पर सब कुछ खोया नहीं था। चूँकि दाऊद ने अपना पाप अंगीकार किया और परमेश्वर की ओर लौट आया, परमेश्वर ने दाऊद के लिए वही किया जो उसने माँगा था: परमेश्वर ने उसे शुद्ध किया, धोया और हिम से भी अधिक श्वेत बना दिया। परमेश्वर ने उसे फिर से एक शुद्ध हृदय दिया और उसकी आत्मा को नया कर दिया। दाऊद ने बतशेबा से विवाह किया और उनके घर एक और बेटा आया। वही बेटा, सुलैमान, आगे चलकर इतिहास के सबसे धनी और बुद्धिमान राजाओं में से एक बना। दाऊद के जीवन का निर्णायक मोड़ परमेश्वर के सामने उसके अंगीकार और सब कुछ फिर से ठीक करने की उसकी पुकार पर टिका था।

यही निर्णायक मोड़ हमारे भविष्य का परिणाम भी तय कर सकता है।

अंगीकार की शक्ति

एक रात मैं एक दम्पति से मिला, ताकि उनके लिए प्रार्थना करूँ कि उन्हें संतान मिल सके। वे वर्षों से एक बच्चा चाहते थे, पर गर्भ नहीं ठहर पा रहा था। डॉक्टर ने आख़िरकार पत्नी को बाँझ घोषित कर दिया था—यानी वह कभी माँ नहीं बन पाएगी।

उनके साथ प्रार्थना करने से पहले, मैंने उनसे कहा कि वे मुझे कुछ और बताएँ कि वे किस दौर से गुज़र रहे हैं और परमेश्वर से क्या चाहते हैं। पता चला कि उनकी कहानी में बाँझपन से भी ज़्यादा कुछ था। विवाह के कुछ ही समय बाद उन्हें पता चला कि उन्हें एक यौनसंचारितरोग, यानी एसटीडी है। एसटीडी आम तौर पर यौन संपर्क से ही एक व्यक्ति से दूसरे में फैलते हैं। यह विशेष एसटीडी बेहद कष्टदायक था—जब भी वे प्रेम करते, यह फिर से उभर आता और दोनों में से किसी एक के यौन अंगों में दर्द पैदा कर देता।

वे नहीं जानते थे कि उन्हें यह एसटीडी कैसे लगा, या इसे रिश्ते में कौन लाया, क्योंकि विवाह से पहले वे दोनों दूसरों के साथ यौन रूप से सक्रिय रहे थे। पर परिणाम यह हुआ कि यह उन दोनों को भीतर-ही-भीतर एक ऐसी चोट और कड़वाहट की ओर ले गया जो जाने का नाम नहीं ले रही थी। 

उनकी संतान के लिए प्रार्थना करने से पहले, मैंने उन्हें प्रार्थना के एक ऐसे समय में अगुवाई दी जिसमें उन्होंने एक-दूसरे के सामने अपने अतीत के कामों और अपने पाप से उपजी वर्तमान चोटों का अंगीकार किया। परमेश्वर ने उनके हृदयों में जो चंगाई की, वह तुरन्त उनके चेहरों पर दिखने लगी—वे क्षमा और एक-दूसरे के लिए नए सम्मान से दमक उठे। जब तक हम उनकी संतान के लिए प्रार्थना करने पहुँचे, तब तक करने को बचा ही बस इतना था कि परमेश्वर से उनके शरीरों को भी चंगा करने की विनती कर दें। 

अगले कुछ महीनों में उस पति ने मुझे कई बार फ़ोन करके बताया कि उन प्रार्थनाओं ने उनके विवाह में—उनके यौन जीवन समेत—कितना बड़ा अंतर ला दिया है। एक वर्ष से कुछ ही अधिक समय बाद, इस “बाँझ” दम्पति के घर एक बच्चे ने जन्म लिया—उनकी नई हुई घनिष्ठता का फल। हालाँकि वे अपने शरीरों में अपने पुराने पाप का वह रोग अब भी लिए हुए थे, परमेश्वर ने उस स्थिति को दरकिनार कर उनके जीवनों के लिए—और उनके बच्चे के जीवन के लिए—अपनी योजना जारी रखने का रास्ता निकाल लिया।

हमारे अंगीकार की प्रार्थनाएँ शक्तिशाली होती हैं। उनका वास्तविक और व्यावहारिक असर होता है। पर वे कोई “जादुई मंत्र” नहीं हैं जो हमें मनचाही हर चीज़ दिला दें। दरअसल, जिस दम्पति की बात मैंने ऊपर की, वे अपने पहले बच्चे के जन्म के बाद और बच्चे चाहते थे, पर दोबारा गर्भ नहीं ठहर पाया। हमारी प्रार्थनाओं का उत्तर मिलने या न मिलने में कई बातों का योगदान हो सकता है—इसीलिए परिणाम चाहे जो हो, बुद्धि के लिए निरंतर प्रार्थना और परमेश्वर पर निरंतर भरोसा महत्वपूर्ण है। पर अंगीकार उन चीज़ों में से एक होसकता है जो हमें वह चंगाई दिलाएँ जिसकी ज़रूरत हमें अपने जीवनों के लिए परमेश्वर की योजनाओं के साथ आगे बढ़ने में है। बाइबल कहती है,

“इसलिएएक–दूसरेकेसामनेअपनेपापोंकाअंगीकारकरोऔरएक–दूसरेकेलिएप्रार्थनाकरो, ताकितुमचंगेहोजाओ।धर्मीजनकीप्रार्थनाशक्तिशालीऔरप्रभावशालीहोतीहै” (याकूब 5:16)।

यही पैटर्न मैंने बार-बार दोहराते देखा है, जब मैंने ऐसे और लोगों से बात की है जो अपने यौन जीवन में किसी बंद गली में आ खड़े हुए थे। जब वे आख़िरकार अपने पापों का अंगीकार करते हैं—पहले परमेश्वर के सामने, फिर अपने जीवनसाथी के सामने—तो अक्सर उन्हें एक नई राह खुलती दिखाई देती है। 

एक व्यक्ति, जो वर्षों से पोर्नोग्राफ़ी और आपत्तिजनक चैट रूम्स से जूझ रहा था, उसने मेरे सामने अपना पाप अंगीकार किया। हमने साथ मिलकर इसके लिए प्रार्थना की और उसके किए के लिए परमेश्वर से क्षमा माँगी। फिर मैंने उसे प्रोत्साहित किया कि वह अपनी पत्नी के सामने भी इसका अंगीकार करे, क्योंकि उसके पाप ने उनके यौन संबंध को भी प्रभावित किया था। हालाँकि पति उसके सामने अंगीकार करने से डर रहा था, पर उसने किया। जब पत्नी ने उसे क्षमा कर दिया, तो वह आख़िरकार आज़ाद हो गया—न केवल उस पोर्नोग्राफ़ी से जिसने उसे जकड़ रखा था, बल्कि अपनी पत्नी से फिर से घनिष्ठ प्रेम करने के लिए भी। 

एक और व्यक्ति ने मेरे सामने अंगीकार किया कि वह वर्षों से अपनी पत्नी के साथ सच्ची घनिष्ठता के लिए जूझ रहा है। उसने मुझे अपने जीवन के कुछ ऐसे निजी संघर्ष बताए जो उसने इस डर से कभी अपनी पत्नी से साझा नहीं किए थे कि कहीं वह उसे छोड़ न दे। मैंने उसे प्रोत्साहित किया कि अपनी पत्नी के साथ जिस सच्ची घनिष्ठता तक वह पहुँचना चाहता है, उसके लिए ज़रूरी है कि वह ये बातें उसके सामने अंगीकार करे। बहुत डरते-काँपते, उसने ऐसा किया। उसकी पत्नी स्तब्ध रह गई, टहलने निकल गई और प्रार्थना की। लौटकर उसने उससे कहा: “मैं अब भी तुमसे प्रेम करती हूँ।” बाद में उसने मुझसे कहा, “एरिक, उसने मुझसे हज़ारों बार कहा है कि वह मुझसे प्रेम करती है, पर यह पहली बार था जब मैंने सचमुच उसका विश्वास किया।” 

परमेश्वर का काम ही जीवन बदलना है। वे हज़ारों वर्षों से लोगों के जीवनों को यौन पाप से मोड़ते आ रहे हैं। पढ़िए, प्रेरित पौलुस ने लगभग 2,000 वर्ष पहले कुरिन्थ की कलीसिया के मसीहियों को लिखे एक पत्र में क्या लिखा:

“क्यातुमनहींजानतेकिदुष्टलोगपरमेश्वरकेराज्यकेवारिसनहींहोंगे? धोखेमेंनरहो: नयौनअनैतिक, नमूर्तिपूजक, नव्यभिचारी, नपुरुषवेश्याएँ, नसमलैंगिककर्मकरनेवाले, नचोर, नलोभी, नपियक्कड़, ननिंदक, नठग—इनमेंसेकोईपरमेश्वरकेराज्यकावारिसनहोगा।औरतुममेंसेकुछऐसेहीथे।परतुमधोएगए, तुमपवित्रकिएगए, तुमप्रभुयीशुमसीहकेनाममेंऔरहमारेपरमेश्वरकेआत्माकेद्वाराधर्मीठहराएगए” (1 कुरिन्थियों 6:9-11)।

इसमें एक छोटा-सा शब्द है जो बहुत कुछ कहता है: वह है छोटी-सी क्रिया थे। “और तुम में से कुछ ऐसे ही थे।” वे हर तरह के पापों से जूझे, पर वे वैसे ही नहीं रह गए। वे बदले गए, रूपांतरित हुए और फिर से नए बनाए गए—ठीक जैसे मैं बनाया गया। हालाँकि हमारे पाप के परिणाम होते हैं—और कुछ परिणाम जीवन-भर रह सकते हैं—पर कोई भी परिणाम इतना गंभीर नहीं कि प्रभु यीशु मसीह के नाम में और हमारे परमेश्वर के आत्मा के द्वारा धोया, पवित्र किया और धर्मी न ठहराया जा सके। 

परमेश्वर की दी हुई शुद्धता

अंगीकार केवल आत्मा के लिए अच्छा नहीं है। यह आख़िरकार वह जीवन जीने के लिए अच्छा है जिसके लिए परमेश्वर ने आपकी रचना की है। 

यदि आप अपने जीवन में किसी बिना अंगीकार किए पाप से जूझ रहे हैं, तो मैं आपको प्रोत्साहित करना चाहता हूँ कि प्रार्थनापूर्वक विचार करें कि उसका अंगीकार कब, कहाँ और किसके सामने करें। हालाँकि परमेश्वर और अपने प्रियजनों के सामने अपने पाप स्वीकारना भयावह लग सकता है, पर सच यह है कि परमेश्वर उन्हें पहले से जानते हैं—और आपके प्रियजन शायद पहले से ही उनका असर महसूस कर रहे हैं। आख़िरकार उनका अंगीकार करना समस्या की जड़ पहचानने में मदद करेगा, ताकि चीज़ें बदलनी शुरू हो सकें।

हम में से कोई भी निष्पाप नहीं, पर हम में से कोई भी परमेश्वर की क्षमा की पहुँच से बाहर भी नहीं। जब भी हम उनके सामने अपने पापों का अंगीकार करते हैं, वे हमें क्षमा करने और फिर से शुद्ध बनाने का वादा करते हैं।

“यदिहमकहेंकिहममेंकोईपापनहीं, तोहमअपनेआपकोधोखादेतेहैंऔरसत्यहममेंनहीं।यदिहमअपनेपापोंकाअंगीकारकरें, तोवहविश्वासयोग्यऔरधर्मीहै: वहहमारेपापक्षमाकरेगाऔरहमेंसारीअधार्मिकतासेशुद्धकरेगा” (1 यूहन्ना 1:8-9)।

यदि आपको कभी अंगीकार की प्रार्थना की ज़रूरत महसूस हो और समझ न आए कि क्या कहें, तो शुरुआत के लिए ये कुछ शब्द हैं। हृदय से की गई एक प्रार्थना आपके जीवन का भी निर्णायक मोड़ बन सकती है। 

पिता, मैंनेआपकेविरुद्धऔरदूसरोंकेविरुद्धजोपापकिएहैं, उनकेलिएमुझेखेदहै।मैंजानताहूँकिमैंइनपापोंकीभरपाईनहींकरसकता, परमैंजानताहूँकियीशुनेक्रूसपरमरतेसमयइनकीक़ीमतपहलेहीचुकादीहै।मैंअभी, इसीसमयअपनापूराविश्वासऔरभरोसायीशुपररखताहूँऔरउनसेविनतीकरताहूँकिवेमेरेजीवनकेप्रभुबनें।मुझेअपनेपवित्रआत्मासेभरदीजिए, ताकिमैंधोयाजाऊँ, स्वच्छऔरशुद्धकियाजाऊँ, औरआपकीदृष्टिमेंफिरसेधर्मीबनूँ।यहसबमैंयीशुकेनाममेंमाँगताहूँ, आमेन।

पुनरावलोकन प्रश्न

1. जबहमपापकरहीरहेथे, तबभीहमारेलिएअपनाप्रेमप्रकटकरनेकोपरमेश्वरनेक्याकिया? (रोमियों 5:8)

2. जबअंधेचंगेहोनाचाहतेथे, तोयीशुनेउनसेक्याप्रश्नपूछा? (मत्ती 9:28)

3. याकूबकेअनुसार, चंगेहोनेकेलिएहमक्याकरसकतेहैं? (याकूब 5:16)

4. यदिहमपरमेश्वरकेसामनेअपनेपापोंकाअंगीकारकरें, तोवेक्याकरनेकावादाकरतेहैं? (1 यूहन्ना 1:8-9)

अध्याय 5:
अपने जीवनसाथी को जानना

“आदमनेअपनीपत्नीहव्वाकोजाना, औरवहगर्भवतीहुईऔरउसनेकैनकोजन्मदिया।”उत्पत्ति 4:1, NKJV

आपने शायद वैज्ञानिकों के उस समूह के बारे में सुना हो, जिन्होंने इकट्ठे होकर तय किया कि मनुष्य बहुत आगे बढ़ चुका है और अब उसे परमेश्वर की ज़रूरत नहीं रही। 

उन्होंने एक वैज्ञानिक को चुना कि जाकर परमेश्वर से कह दे कि अब उनसे उनका काम ख़त्म हुआ। वैज्ञानिक परमेश्वर के पास पहुँचा और बोला, “परमेश्वर, हमने तय किया है कि अब हमें आपकी ज़रूरत नहीं। हम उस मुक़ाम पर पहुँच चुके हैं जहाँ हम इंसानों की क्लोनिंग कर सकते हैं और कई चमत्कारी काम कर सकते हैं, तो आप अब जाइए और कहीं और ठिकाना ढूँढ़िए।” 

परमेश्वर ने धैर्य से उस आदमी की बात सुनी, और जब वैज्ञानिक की बात ख़त्म हुई, तो परमेश्वर ने कहा, “बहुत अच्छा! तो ऐसा करें? चलो, मनुष्य बनाने की एक प्रतियोगिता हो जाए।” 

इस पर उस आदमी ने जवाब दिया, “ठीक है, बढ़िया!” 

पर परमेश्वर ने जोड़ा, “हाँ, पर हम यह ठीक वैसे ही करेंगे जैसे मैंने पुराने दिनों में आदम के साथ किया था।”

वैज्ञानिक ने कहा, “ज़रूर, कोई दिक़्क़त नहीं,” और झुककर अपने लिए मुट्ठी-भर मिट्टी उठा ली। 

परमेश्वर ने बस उसकी ओर देखा और कहा, “नहीं, नहीं, नहीं। मिट्टी भी अपनी ख़ुद बनाकर लाओ!”

हमें लग सकता है कि हमारी नई प्रजनन तकनीकें अद्भुत हैं, जैसे इनविट्रोफ़र्टिलाइज़ेशन, जिसमें पुरुष के शुक्राणु और स्त्री के अंडाणु उनके शरीरों से निकालकर एक परखनली में मिलाए जाते हैं। या क्लोनिंग, जिसमें वैज्ञानिक एक शरीर से कुछ कोशिकाएँ लेकर उन्हें दूसरे शरीर के अंडाणु से जोड़ने की कोशिश करते हैं, और फिर एक कीटाणुरहित प्रयोगशाला में बिजली के झटके से उनमें जीवन फूँकने की कोशिश करते हैं। ये तकनीकें अद्भुत हैं, पर नया जीवन रचने के लिए परमेश्वर ने सेक्स को पहले-पहल जिस तरह रचा, उसकी तुलना में मेरे मन में कोई संदेह नहीं कि कौन-सी प्रक्रिया अधिक अद्भुत है—और अधिक आनंददायक भी!

अगर चुनने का मौक़ा मिले, तो मुझे लगता है कि अधिकांश लोग नया जीवन पुराने, पारंपरिक ढंग से ही रचना चाहेंगे: केवल बच्चे पैदा करके नहीं, बल्कि प्रेम करके। इसकी वजह इस बात से कहीं गहरी है कि प्रेम करना बेहद आनंददायक हो सकता है। 

यादा!

वजह यह है कि परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम अपने पति या पत्नी को गहराई से और घनिष्ठता से जानें, और उनके साथ प्रेम करना उन्हें जानने के सबसे गहरे तरीक़ों में से एक है। दरअसल, बाइबल में प्रेम करने (संभोग) के लिए अक्सर जो इब्रानी शब्द इस्तेमाल होता है, वह है यादा, जिसका शाब्दिक अर्थ है “जानना।” 

उदाहरण के लिए, बाइबल कहती है:

“आदमनेअपनीपत्नीहव्वाकोजाना, औरवहगर्भवतीहुईऔरउसनेकैनकोजन्मदिया” (उत्पत्ति 4:1; देखेंउत्पत्ति 4:17, 1 शमूएल 1:19 भी, NKJV)।

बाइबल के अर्थ में किसी को जानने का मतलब है, उसके साथ संभोग करना। घनिष्ठता (इंटिमेसी) शब्द का अर्थ याद रखने का एक आसान तरीक़ा है अंग्रेज़ी का यह वाक्यांश: “इनटू-मी-सी” यानी “मेरे भीतर झाँको।” जब हम अपने पति या पत्नी के साथ घनिष्ठ होते हैं, तो हम उन्हें अपने भीतर झाँकने दे रहे होते हैं और वे हमें अपने भीतर झाँकने दे रहे होते हैं। 

परमेश्वर क्यों चाहते हैं कि आप अपने जीवनसाथी को इतनी घनिष्ठता से जानें? क्योंकि परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि आप अपने हाथों, अपनी आँखों, अपने शब्दों, अपने कानों, अपने हृदय—अपने पूरे अस्तित्व—का उपयोग करके अपने जीवनसाथी के प्रति अपना ही नहीं, उनका (परमेश्वर का) प्रेम भी व्यक्त करें।

परमेश्वर जितना आपके हृदय की इच्छाएँ पूरी करना चाहते हैं, उतना ही वे आपकेजीवनसाथीके हृदय की इच्छाएँ भी पूरी करना चाहते हैं—आपके द्वारा! ऐसा प्रभावी ढंग से करने के लिए यह बेहद ज़रूरी है कि आप अपने जीवनसाथी को गहराई से और घनिष्ठता से जानें, ताकि आप उन्हें उस तरह छू सकें जिस तरह परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि उन्हें छुआ जाए। 

तुम ही उससे विवाह क्यों नहीं कर लेते?

पहली बार यह बात मुझे तब लगी—कि परमेश्वर लाना के हृदय की इच्छाएँ पूरी करने के लिए मेरे द्वारा काम करना चाहते हैं—जब मैंने उससे विवाह करने के बारे में सोचा तक नहीं था।

लाना तब भी मिशिगन में रहती थी और मैं टेक्सस में। हालाँकि कॉलेज में हमने डेटिंग की थी, पर दो वर्ष पहले हमारा रिश्ता टूट गया था। फिर भी हम समय-समय पर फ़ोन पर बात कर लेते थे। एक रात लाना ने मुझे बताया कि वह सोच रही है कि परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि वह अपनी मौजूदा नौकरी में बनी रहे या नहीं। मैंने उसे बताया कि उस सप्ताह मैं प्रार्थना और उपवास का एक विशेष समय रखने की योजना बना रहा हूँ, तो मैं उसकी नौकरी के फ़ैसले के लिए भी प्रार्थना करूँगा।

उपवास के दूसरे दिन तक मैं आत्मिक रूप से और मज़बूत महसूस कर रहा था, पर सिर थोड़ा हल्का-हल्का-सा था। मैं टेक्सस की गुनगुनी धूप में एक पूल के किनारे बैठा था; प्रार्थना के लिए मैंने उस दिन काम से छुट्टी ले रखी थी। जब मैंने लाना के लिए प्रार्थना शुरू की, तो मेरी कल्पना में वह सूट-टाई पहने, ज़िंदगी-भर किसी बड़ी कंपनी में काम करती हुई नहीं दिखी—मुझे वह घर पर दिखी, विवाहित, एक परिवार को पालती हुई। 

यहीबातहै, प्रभु! उसेकोईदूसरीनौकरीनहींचाहिए।उसेतोएकऐसापतिचाहिएजोउसकीदेखभालकरे, ताकिवहघरपररहसके। मैं प्रार्थना करने लगा कि परमेश्वर उसके लिए एक पति ले आएँ।

तभी ये शब्द मेरे मन में तैर गए, मेरे सामने के पानी जितने साफ़: “तुम ही उससे विवाह क्यों नहीं कर लेते?” 

क्या?!? मैंतोइसबारेमेंप्रार्थनाकरहीनहींरहाथा! शायद उपवास मुझ पर मेरी सोच से ज़्यादा असर कर रहा था!

पर दो सप्ताह बाद, उपवास ख़त्म हो जाने के बाद भी, वह सवाल मेरे मन में सबसे आगे बना हुआ था: “तुम ही उससे विवाह क्यों नहीं कर लेते?” 

मैं ख़ुद से भी वही पूछने लगा: “मैं उससे विवाह क्यों नहीं कर लेता?” ऐसा नहीं था कि वह मुझे पसंद नहीं थी। सच तो यह है कि कॉलेज में डेटिंग के दिनों में मैं उससे पूरी तरह प्रेम करता था। पर दो वर्ष पहले हमारे अलग होने की वजह यह थी कि परमेश्वर मेरे हृदय पर पहले से काम कर रहे थे, और मुझे लगा था कि वही मुझे उससे रिश्ता तोड़ने के लिए प्रेरित कर रहे हैं। उस समय मैं यह भी नहीं जानता था कि परमेश्वर हमें अलग क्यों करना चाहेंगे। पर हमारे अलग होने के बाद के महीनों में, हम दोनों ने मसीह पर विश्वास रखने का निर्णय लिया। फिर हम सीखने लगे कि परमेश्वर सेक्स के बारे में क्या कहते हैं, और हमें एहसास हुआ कि जो हम करते रहे थे, वह ग़लत था।

अब, दो वर्ष बाद, जब हम दोनों अपना जीवन मसीह को दे चुके थे, शायद परमेश्वर सचमुच चाहते थे कि हम फिर से एक हो जाएँ! मुझे किसी भी तरह यह जानना था, इसलिए मैंने तय किया कि अगले तीन महीने प्रार्थना के लिए अलग रखूँगा, यह देखने के लिए कि यह सवाल वाक़ई परमेश्वर की ओर से है या नहीं। लाना और मैं तब भी समय-समय पर बात करते थे, पर मैंने उसे अपनी प्रार्थनाओं के बारे में नहीं बताया—उसकी ख़ातिर भी और अपनी ख़ातिर भी। मैं बस किसी रिश्ते के दबाव के बिना, परमेश्वर से साफ़-साफ़ सुनना चाहता था।

उन अगले कुछ महीनों में परमेश्वर ने मेरे हृदय में लाना के लिए ऐसा प्रेम भर दिया जो मेरी अब तक की हर अनुभूति से बढ़कर था। मैं दूर रहकर उसकी बातें सुन पाया और देख पाया कि जो मुद्दे मेरे लिए महत्वपूर्ण थे उन पर वह क्या महसूस करती है, मसीह के साथ उसका रिश्ता कैसा है, और उसके सपने और इच्छाएँ क्या हैं। मैंने उसे उस नज़र से देखने की कोशिश की जिस नज़र से परमेश्वर उसे देखते हैं, ताकि जान सकूँ कि क्या मैं सचमुच उसकी ज़रूरतें उस तरह पूरी कर सकता हूँ जिस तरह परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि वे पूरी हों।

प्रार्थना के वे तीन महीने ख़त्म होते-होते मेरा दिल फटने को था! मैं उससे इतना प्रेम करने लगा था कि मैंने परमेश्वर से कह दिया कि अगर उन्होंने मुझे उससे विवाह नहीं करने दिया, तो मैं उनसे सचमुच नाराज़ हो जाऊँगा!

विवाह से पहले अपने जीवनसाथी को जानना

हम किससे विवाह करते हैं, इसकी परमेश्वर को गहरी परवाह है। मैं नहीं जानता कि परमेश्वर ने समय के आरंभ से ही पहले से तय कर रखा है या नहीं कि वे हमारा विवाह किससे कराना चाहते हैं। पर मैं इतना ज़रूर जानता हूँ कि इस निर्णय में उनका निश्चित हित जुड़ा है। 

कुछ बातें ऐसी हैं जो परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम अपने जीवनसाथी के बारे में विवाह से पहले ही जान लें। बाइबल में कई जगहों पर परमेश्वर हमें उस व्यक्ति के बारे में स्पष्ट दिशा-निर्देश और विशिष्ट मार्गदर्शन देते हैं जिससे वे हमारा विवाह चाहते हैं।

मुझे याद है, जब हमारे पहले दो बच्चे छोटे थे, तो वे सोचते थे कि बड़े होकर क्या वे आपस में एक-दूसरे से विवाह कर सकते हैं। मुझे ख़ुशी है कि उस समय वे एक-दूसरे को इतना पसंद करते थे कि ऐसा सोच भी सकें, पर हमने कहा, “नहीं, परमेश्वर तुम्हें विवाह के लिए कोई और देंगे।” 

हमें यह कैसे पता था और उन्हें क्यों नहीं? क्योंकि हम जानते थे कि यह क़ानून के विरुद्ध है और वे नहीं जानते थे; और इसलिए भी कि हमने इसे बाइबल में पढ़ा था और उन्होंने नहीं पढ़ा था। जिन बातों को हम स्वतःसिद्ध मान लेते हैं, वे हमें केवल इसलिए ज़ाहिर लगती हैं क्योंकि हमने—या हमसे पहले किसी ने—उन्हें परमेश्वर के वचन में खोजा है। ये कुछ सामान्य दिशा-निर्देश हैं जो परमेश्वर बाइबल में देते हैं कि वे हमारा विवाह किससे कराना चाहते हैं—और किससे नहीं।

• परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि मसीह के विश्वासी दूसरे विश्वासियों से ही विवाह करें: “अविश्वासियोंकेसाथएकजुएमेंनजुतो, क्योंकिधार्मिकताऔरदुष्टतामेंक्यासाझा?” (2 कुरिन्थियों 6:14अ)।
• परमेश्वर नहीं चाहते कि हम किसी ऐसे व्यक्ति से विवाह करें जो हमारे हृदय को उनसे दूर मोड़ दे: “तुमउनसे [अन्यदेवताओंकीसेवाकरनेवालोंसे] विवाह–संबंधनजोड़ना, क्योंकिवेनिश्चयहीतुम्हारेहृदयकोअपनेदेवताओंकीओरमोड़देंगे” (1 राजा 11:2ब)।
• परमेश्वर हमें बताते हैं कि यौन संबंध के लिए—और इसलिए विवाह के लिए भी—कौन वर्जित है: 

• हमें किसी निकट संबंधी के साथ यौन संबंध नहीं बनाना है: “तुममेंसेकोईअपनेकिसीनिकटसंबंधीकेपासयौनसंबंधकेलिएनजाए।मैंयहोवाहूँ” (लैव्यव्यवस्था 18:6)।इसी अध्याय में परमेश्वर आगे निकट संबंधियों की परिभाषा देते हैं: हमारे माता-पिता, बच्चे, भाई-बहन, दादा-दादी/नाना-नानी, पोते-पोतियाँ/नाती-नातिन, चाचा-चाची/मौसा-मौसी, और भतीजे-भतीजियाँ/भांजे-भांजियाँ;
• हमें किसी ऐसे व्यक्ति के साथ यौन संबंध नहीं बनाना है जो पहले से विवाहित हो—यह व्यभिचार होगा; “अपनेपड़ोसीकीपत्नीकेसाथयौनसंबंधबनाकरअपनेआपकोउसकेसाथअशुद्धनकरना” (लैव्यव्यवस्था 18:20);
• न ही पशुओं के साथ, जिसेपशुगमन कहते हैं: “किसीपशुकेसाथयौनसंबंधबनाकरअपनेआपकोउसकेसाथअशुद्धनकरना” (लैव्यव्यवस्था 18:23अ);
• न ही अपने ही लिंग के लोगों के साथ, जिसे पुरुषों में समलैंगिकता और स्त्रियों में लेस्बियनिज़्मकहा जाता है: “किसीपुरुषकेसाथवैसेनलेटनाजैसेस्त्रीकेसाथलेटतेहैं; यहघृणितहै” (लैव्यव्यवस्था 18:22) और “इसकारणपरमेश्वरनेउन्हेंलज्जाजनकवासनाओंकेहवालेकरदिया।उनकीस्त्रियोंतकनेस्वाभाविकसंबंधोंकेबदलेअस्वाभाविकसंबंधअपनालिए।इसीतरहपुरुषभीस्त्रियोंकेसाथस्वाभाविकसंबंधछोड़करएक–दूसरेकेलिएवासनामेंजलउठे।पुरुषोंनेपुरुषोंकेसाथनिर्लज्जकामकिए, औरअपनीभटकनकाउचितदंडअपनेहीभीतरपाया” (रोमियों 1:26-27)।

बाइबल में जो लोग विवाह के विषय में परमेश्वर की राय माँगते हैं, वे हमेशा आशीषित होते हैं—जैसे इसहाक़ और रिबका (देखें उत्पत्ति 24) और याक़ूब और राहेल (देखें उत्पत्ति 29)। और जो परमेश्वर की सलाह पर नहीं चलते, वे हमेशा क़ीमत चुकाते हैं—जैसे अम्नोन और तामार (देखें 2 शमूएल 13:1-21) और सुलैमान और उसकी विदेशी पत्नियाँ (देखें 1 राजा 11:1-4)।

इसका अर्थ यह नहीं कि परमेश्वर किसी भी विवाह को छुड़ाकर बहाल नहीं कर सकते—क्योंकि वे कर सकते हैं और उन्होंने किया है! मैंने उन्हें कई बार ऐसा करते देखा है! पर जो लोग पहले परमेश्वर की बात सुने बिना विवाह में उतर गए, वे ही सबसे पहले आपसे कहेंगे कि काश उन्होंने परमेश्वर की सलाह मानी होती।

आप किससे विवाह करते हैं, इसकी परमेश्वर को परवाह है, क्योंकि उन्हें आपकी परवाह है, आपके जीवनसाथी की परवाह है, और उन बच्चों की परवाह है जो आपके विवाह से जन्म ले सकते हैं।

परमेश्वर की ओर से एक उपहार

उन तीन महीनों में, जब मैं लाना से विवाह के बारे में प्रार्थना कर रहा था, मैं उसके बारे में कई बातें जान पाया। मैं देख सकता था कि वह एक विश्वासी है और प्रभु के साथ मेरी चाल में मुझे प्रोत्साहित करेगी, मुझे उनसे दूर नहीं मोड़ेगी। मैं पहले से जानता था कि वह मेरी कोई निकट संबंधी नहीं है, विवाहित नहीं है, पशु नहीं है, और पुरुष भी नहीं है। अब तक तो सब ठीक था!

जब प्रार्थना के मेरे तीन महीने पूरे हुए, तो मैंने तय किया कि लाना को फ़ोन करके अपने हृदय की सारी बातें बता दूँगा। जब हमने बात करनी शुरू की, तो उसने मुझे बताया कि उसने आख़िरकार नौकरी छोड़ने का फ़ैसला कर लिया है। वह जानती थी कि यही सही है, पर वह नहीं जानती थी कि आगे क्या करेगी। मैंने उससे कहा कि मेरे पास एक विचार है!

जब मैंने उससे कहा कि वह ह्यूस्टन आने पर विचार करे, ताकि हम साथ मिलकर संभावित विवाह के बारे में प्रार्थना कर सकें, तो इस बार सदमे में जाने की बारी उसकी थी! क्या?!? उसने सोचा।मैंतोइसबारेमेंप्रार्थनाकरहीनहींरहीथी! 

अब उसे इस पर प्रार्थना करने के लिए कुछ समय चाहिए था। उन अगले कुछ महीनों में मैं प्रतीक्षा के सिवा कुछ नहीं कर सकता था। इसी दौरान एक समय ऐसा आया, जब मैं सच में नहीं जानता था कि लाना क्या फ़ैसला करेगी, और तब मैंने बाइबल में यह अंश पढ़ा:

“वहतुझेतेरेमनकीइच्छादेऔरतेरीसारीयोजनाएँसफलकरे।तेरीविजयपरहमजयजयकारकरेंगेऔरअपनेपरमेश्वरकेनामपरअपनेझंडेऊँचेउठाएँगे।यहोवातेरीसारीविनतियाँपूरीकरे” (भजनसंहिता 20:4-5)।

एक बार फिर, बाइबल के शब्द मानो पन्ने से उछलकर बाहर आ गए। मैं उसी क्षण जान गया कि लाना ही मेरे हृदय की इच्छा है। हालाँकि मैं जानता था कि यह बचकानी प्रार्थना लग सकती है, फिर भी मैंने कहा, “प्रभु, मेरे पाप क्षमा करके और अपने साथ अनन्त जीवन देकर आप मुझे पहले ही मेरी योग्यता से बढ़कर दे चुके हैं। पर यदि मैं अपने बाक़ी के जीवन के लिए आपसे केवल एक ही उपहार माँग सकूँ, तो वह होगा लाना से विवाह।” मुझे कोई अंदाज़ा नहीं था कि परमेश्वर मेरी विनती पूरी करेंगे या नहीं, और मैं परिणाम चाहे जो हो, उन पर भरोसा रखने को तैयार था। पर मैं यह भी जानता था कि अगर उन्होंने मुझे उससे विवाह करने दिया, तो भजन 20 के शब्दों की तरह मैं “जयजयकार” करूँगा!

एक वर्ष से भी कम समय बाद, जब हम विवाह-वेदी पर खड़े अपनी विवाह-प्रतिज्ञाएँ ले रहे थे, मैंने आँखों में आँसू और गले में अटकी आवाज़ लिए लाना की ओर देखा और कहा, “लाना, जब से मैंने भजन 20 में पढ़ा, ‘वहतुझेतेरेमनकीइच्छादे,’ तब से मैं जानता हूँ कि तुम ही मेरे हृदय की इच्छा हो। … तुम मेरे लिए परमेश्वर की ओर से एक उपहार हो, और मेरा इरादा तुम्हें एक उपहार की ही तरह सँजोने का है।” 

प्रेम करना

पति या पत्नी सचमुच परमेश्वर की ओर से एक उपहार है—और परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम उन्हें उपहार की तरह ही सँजोएँ। इसमें वह तरीक़ा भी शामिल है जिससे हम यौन रूप से उनके साथ पेश आते हैं। सेक्स के साथ एक समस्या यह है कि लोग अक्सर इसका उपयोग वह पाने के लिए करते हैं जो वे चाहते हैं, न कि वह देने के लिए जो परमेश्वर चाहते हैं। प्रेमकरना सेक्स का महज़ एक और नाम नहीं है, यह उस तरीक़े को भी बताता है जिससे हमें यह करना चाहिए।

कई बार मैं लाना की ओर देखकर ख़ुद से पूछता हूँ, अगरपरमेश्वरअभीयहाँहोते, तोउसेआशीषदेनेकेलिएक्याकरते? वे कैसे चाहेंगे कि मैं अपने हाथों, अपने शब्दों, अपनी आँखों, अपने कानों और अपने हृदय से उसे किसी विशेष रीति से आशीषित करूँ? कभी-कभी मुझे महसूस होता है कि परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि मैं उसका माथा सहलाऊँ, उसके बालों पर हाथ फेरूँ, या उसके होंठों और गालों पर कोमल चुम्बन दूँ। हालाँकि इसमें ख़ुद आनंद न पाना मेरे लिए लगभग असंभव है, पर ऐसे समय मेरी सच्ची प्रेरणा अपनी इच्छाएँ तृप्त करना नहीं, बल्कि परमेश्वर को मेरे द्वारा उसकी इच्छाएँ तृप्त करने देना होती है। और मैं आम तौर पर पाता हूँ कि उसे आशीषित करने से, परमेश्वर उसके द्वारा मुझे वापस आशीषित करते हैं!

अपने जीवनसाथी को गहराई से और घनिष्ठता से जानकर, हम उनकी ज़रूरतों की बेहतर सेवा कर सकते हैं। बाइबल कहती है कि पति-पत्नी को एक-दूसरे के शरीर की देखभाल ऐसे करनी चाहिए मानो वह उनका अपना ही हो:

“इसीरीतिसेपतियोंकोचाहिएकिवेअपनीपत्नियोंसेअपनेहीशरीरकीतरहप्रेमकरें।जोअपनीपत्नीसेप्रेमकरताहै, वहअपनेआपसेप्रेमकरताहै।आख़िरकिसीनेकभीअपनेशरीरसेबैरनहींकिया, बल्किवहउसेपालता–पोसताऔरसँभालताहै, जैसामसीहकलीसियाकेसाथकरताहै—क्योंकिहमउसकीदेहकेअंगहैं” (इफिसियों 5:28-30)।

विडम्बना यह है कि कुछ लोग, जब उनका सेक्स का मन नहीं होता, तो अपने जीवनसाथी से मज़ाक़ में कहते हैं, “आज रात नहीं, जान, मेरे सिर में दर्द है।” पर हक़ीक़त में सेक्स शायद ठीक वही हो जो डॉक्टर ने बताया हो! मुझे हैरानी होती रही है कि हमारे पूरे वैवाहिक जीवन में, जब भी मेरी पत्नी के सिर में सचमुच दर्द होता है, तो भक्तिपूर्ण दुलार और प्रेम करना पूर्ण और सम्पूर्ण इलाज साबित हुआ है! परमेश्वर मेरे द्वारा वह चंगाई ला पाए हैं जिसकी उसे ज़रूरत थी।

मैं आपको अपने जीवनसाथी के साथ सच्चे अर्थों में प्रेम करने के कुछ सुझावों की एक छोटी सूची देना चाहूँगा, जो सबके सब अपने जीवनसाथी को जानने के इर्द-गिर्द घूमते हैं। 

1. एक–दूसरेकेसाथप्रेमऔरसम्मानसेपेशआएँ।परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हमारे हाथों, हमारे शरीरों और हमारे शब्दों से हमारे जीवनसाथी के प्रति उनका प्रेम व्यक्त हो—किसी भी ऐसे तरीक़े से नहीं जो चोट पहुँचाए या अपमानजनक हो। क्या इससे मेरे जीवनसाथी को आनंद मिलता है? क्या इससे वे सचमुच प्रेम पाया हुआ और सम्मानित महसूस करते हैं? क्या इससे वे सराहे गए और सच्चे मन से सँभाले गए महसूस करते हैं? “परतुममेंसेभीहरएकअपनीपत्नीसेअपनेसमानप्रेमरखे, औरपत्नीअपनेपतिकासम्मानकरे” (इफिसियों 5:33)।
2. एक–दूसरेकोगिराएँनहीं, सँवारें।छूने के कुछ तरीक़े हमें रोमांचक लग सकते हैं, पर वे हमारे जीवनसाथी को या हमें शारीरिक या भावनात्मक हानि पहुँचा सकते हैं। परमेश्वर ने हमारे शरीरों को दर्द महसूस करने की क्षमता इसीलिए दी है, ताकि हम जान सकें कि किसी चीज़ को अतिरिक्त देखभाल की ज़रूरत है। “प्रेमधीरजवन्तहै, प्रेमकृपालुहै।वहडाहनहींकरता, डींगनहींमारता, घमंडीनहींहोता।वहअशोभनीयव्यवहारनहींकरता, अपनास्वार्थनहींखोजता, जल्दीक्रोधितनहींहोता, बुराइयोंकाहिसाबनहींरखता।प्रेमबुराईसेआनन्दितनहींहोता, परन्तुसत्यसेआनन्दितहोताहै।वहसदारक्षाकरताहै, सदाविश्वासरखताहै, सदाआशारखताहै, सदाधीरजधरताहै” (1 कुरिन्थियों 13:4-7)।
3. नियमितरूपसेप्रेमकरें।बाइबल हमें इसकी कोई “मानक संख्या” नहीं देती कि विवाहित जोड़े को कितनी बार सेक्स करना चाहिए, पर वह यह ज़रूर कहती है कि हमें एक-दूसरे को घनिष्ठता के इन पलों से वंचित नहीं रखना चाहिए—सिवाय तब, जब दोनों सहमत हों, और वह भी सीमित समय के लिए। परमेश्वर से पूछिए कि वे आपसे आपके जीवनसाथी के लिए क्या करवाना चाहते हैं; उनके पवित्र आत्मा को अपने जीवनों में आमंत्रित कीजिए, ताकि वे आपको अपने जीवनसाथी को आशीषित करने के—शायद रचनात्मक—तरीक़े खोजने में मदद करें। “पतिअपनीपत्नीकेप्रतिअपनावैवाहिककर्तव्यपूराकरे, औरवैसेहीपत्नीअपनेपतिकेप्रति।पत्नीकाशरीरकेवलउसकाअपनानहीं, बल्किउसकेपतिकाभीहै।उसीप्रकारपतिकाशरीरकेवलउसकाअपनानहीं, बल्किउसकीपत्नीकाभीहै।एक–दूसरेकोवंचितनरखो, सिवायआपसीसहमतिसेऔरकुछसमयकेलिए, ताकितुमअपनेआपकोप्रार्थनामेंलगासको।फिरसेएकहोजाओ, ताकितुम्हारेआत्म–संयमकीकमीकेकारणशैतानतुम्हेंनपरखे” (1 कुरिन्थियों 7:3-5)।
4. अपनेशरीरऔरअपनेजीवनसाथीकेशरीरकेबीचकेअंतरसीखनेकेलिएसमयनिकालें।जहाँ अधिकांश पुरुष कुछ ही मिनटों में उत्तेजित होकर चरम-सुख तक पहुँच सकते हैं, वहीं अधिकांश स्त्रियों को चरम-सुख तक पहुँचने में बीस मिनट या उससे अधिक लगते हैं। पुरुष भले ही पहले कुछ मिनटों में ही पूर्ण संभोग के लिए तैयार हो, पर वह पाएगा कि उसकी पत्नी कहीं अधिक सहज तब होती है जब वह बीस मिनट या उससे अधिक समय केवल बातें करने, छूने और दुलारने में लगाए, जब तक वह भी तैयार न हो जाए। मैंने यह सीधी-सी बात एक मित्र को उसके विवाह से पहले बताई, और हनीमून से लौटकर उसने कहा कि इस एक बात की जानकारी ने अपनी नई पत्नी के साथ सेक्स के प्रति उसके नज़रिए में—और उनके साझा अनुभव में—ज़मीन-आसमान का अंतर ला दिया। यदि सेक्स के बारे में मुझे आपको एक ही पुस्तक की सिफ़ारिश करनी हो, ताकि आप अपने जीवनसाथी और भक्तिपूर्ण प्रेम के बारे में और सीख सकें, तो वह होगी डॉ. एड और गे व्हीट की पुस्तक,इंटेंडेडफ़ॉरप्लेज़र।
5. प्रेमकरनेकेलिएमनुष्योंकीरचनापरमेश्वरनेजिसअनोखेढंगसेकीहै, उसेपहचानें।क्या आप जानते हैं कि मनुष्य ही एकमात्र प्राणी हैं जो आमने-सामने होकर संभोग कर सकते हैं? यह उन कई तथ्यों में से एक है जो मैंने व्हीट दम्पति की पुस्तक से सीखे, और जिसने परमेश्वर ने हमारे शरीरों को यौन संबंध के लिए जिस तरह रचा है, उसके लिए मेरी सराहना और बढ़ा दी। सेक्स पर लिखी बहुत-सी पुस्तकें विभिन्न यौन आसनों का ब्योरेवार वर्णन करती हैं, पर इसे छोटी बात न समझिए कि आप सबसे ज़ाहिर आसन में ही प्रेम करें—अपने पति या पत्नी के आमने-सामने—वह स्थिति जो परमेश्वर ने केवल मनुष्यों के लिए आरक्षित रखी है।
6. प्रतिदिनएक–दूसरेकेलिएप्रार्थनाकरें।एक सीधी-सी बात जो लाना और मैं अपने विवाह की शुरुआत से करते आ रहे हैं, वह है जब भी हो सके, एक ही समय पर साथ सोने जाना, और हर रात सोने से पहले एक-दूसरे के लिए ऊँची आवाज़ में प्रार्थना करना। इसने हमें एक-दूसरे को और भी बेहतर जानने में मदद की है, क्योंकि हम अपने जीवन की उन महत्वपूर्ण बातों को साझा करते हैं जिनके लिए प्रार्थना चाहिए। इससे हम एक-दूसरे को प्रार्थना की ओट में रख पाते हैं, और अगर दिन में हमारे बीच कोई तनाव रहा हो, तो नियमित रूप से “मन साफ़” भी कर पाते हैं, जैसा बाइबल हम सबको प्रोत्साहित करती है: “क्रोधमेंसूर्यकोअस्तनहोनेदो…” (इफिसियों 4:26ब)। आत्मिक घनिष्ठता का यह समय अक्सर शारीरिक घनिष्ठता के समय की भूमिका बन जाता है।

हमारा प्रेम करना जीवनदायी हो सकता है और होना चाहिए—किसी भी तरह से विनाशकारी नहीं। जैसा यीशु ने कहा:

“चोर [शैतान] केवलचुराने, मारनेऔरनष्टकरनेआताहै; मैंइसलिएआयाहूँकिवेजीवनपाएँ, औरभरपूरीसेपाएँ” (यूहन्ना 10:10)।

अपने जीवनसाथी को गहराई से और घनिष्ठता से जानना एक और तरीक़ा हो सकता है जिससे आप ऐसे ही भरे-पूरे और भरपूर जीवन का अनुभव करें। और जैसा आप अगले अध्याय में देखेंगे, यह और भी तरीक़ों से जीवन की बहुतायत ला सकता है!

पुनरावलोकन प्रश्न

1. यौनसंबंधकेलिएबाइबलमेंप्रयुक्तइब्रानीशब्द “यादा” केपीछेक्याअर्थहै? (जैसाउत्पत्ति 4:1, NKJV मेंप्रयोगहुआहै) 

2. बाइबलमेंऐसेकौन–कौनसेलोगगिनाएगएहैंजिनकेसाथपरमेश्वरनहींचाहतेकिहमयौनसंबंधयाविवाहकरें? (2 कुरिन्थियों 6:14, 1 राजा 11:2, लैव्यव्यवस्था 18)

3. परमेश्वरचाहतेहैंकिपति–पत्नीएक–दूसरेकेशरीरोंकेसाथकैसाबर्तावकरें? (इफिसियों 5:28-30)

4. एक–दूसरेकेसाथपेशआनेकेऔरकौन–सेतरीक़ेहैंजोपरमेश्वरचाहतेहैं, औरजोयौनघनिष्ठतापरभीलागूहोसकतेहैं? (इफिसियों 5:33, 1 कुरिन्थियों 13:4-7, 1 कुरिन्थियों 7:3-5)अध्याय 6:
बच्चों को आशीष के रूप में देखना

“परमेश्वरनेउन्हेंआशीषदीऔरउनसेकहा,‘फूलो–फलोऔरसंख्यामेंबढ़ो।’”उत्पत्ति 1:28

अगर परमेश्वर आपको आशीष देना चाहते, तो आपके ख़याल से वे आशीषें कैसी दिखतीं? हैरान मत होइए, अगर वे असल में थोड़ी-थोड़ी आप जैसी ही दिखें!

आदम और हव्वा—जिनके बारे में बाइबल कहती है कि वे पहले लोग थे जिन्हें परमेश्वर ने “आशीष दी”—को परमेश्वर ने बता दिया कि उनकी आशीष किस रूप में आएगी: “परमेश्वरनेउन्हेंआशीषदीऔरउनसेकहा, ‘फूलो–फलोऔरसंख्यामेंबढ़ो’” (उत्पत्ति 1:28)। परमेश्वर उन्हें आशीष देकर कह सकते थे, “लो, चार-पाँच छुट्टियों वाले बंगले ले लो!” या “लो, नौ-दस बेशक़ीमती गाड़ियाँ ले लो!” पर इसके बजाय उन्होंने आशीष देकर कहा, “लो, ढेर सारे बच्चे ले लो!” पहली नज़र में कुछ लोग सोच सकते हैं कि यह आशीष थी या श्राप! 

पर परमेश्वर के हृदय में गहराई से झाँकने पर—जैसा बाइबल के पहले पन्ने से आख़िरी पन्ने तक प्रकट होता है—दिखता है कि बच्चे उनकी ओर से आशीषें माने गए हैं। बाइबल में जब परमेश्वर किसी को आशीष देना चाहते थे, तो वह आशीष अक्सर एक बच्चे के रूप में आती थी।

जब परमेश्वर ने आदम और हव्वा को “आशीष दी” और उनसे कहा कि फूलो-फलो और बढ़ो, तो उन्होंने वैसा ही किया—पहले एक बच्चा, फिर दो, फिर तीन, और फिर “औरभीबेटे–बेटियाँ” (देखेंउत्पत्ति 5:4)।

जब परमेश्वर ने अब्राहम और सारा को “आशीष दी,” तो उन्हें एक बच्चा दिया, और कहा कि उनके वंशज एक दिन “आकाशकेतारोंऔरसमुद्र–तटकीरेतकेसमानअनगिनत” होंगे (देखेंउत्पत्ति 22:17-18)।

जब अय्यूब की सारी विपत्तियों के बाद परमेश्वर ने उसे “आशीष दी,” तो उसे हर तरह की “चीज़ें” दीं—और दस बच्चे! उन बच्चों के अपने बच्चे हुए, उनके अपने बच्चे हुए, और उनके भी अपने बच्चे हुए। अय्यूब अंततः “अपनेबच्चोंऔरउनकेबच्चोंकोचौथीपीढ़ीतक” देखपाया (देखेंअय्यूब 42:12-16)।

मैंने ग़ौर किया है कि सेल्फ़-हेल्प की जो पुस्तकें अधिक आशीषित यौन जीवन की बातें करती हैं, वे सेक्स से मिलने वाली बच्चों की आशीष का ज़िक्र कभी-कभार ही—या कभी नहीं—करतीं। पर परमेश्वर के नज़रिए से सेक्स की आशीष और बच्चों की आशीष साथ-साथ चलती हैं। और यह हमें घुमाकर फिर उन्हीं दोहरे उद्देश्यों पर ले आती है जिनके लिए परमेश्वर ने पहले-पहल सेक्स की रचना की: घनिष्ठता और फलवन्तता के लिए।

इसका अर्थ यह नहीं कि यदि हमारे बच्चे नहीं हैं, या हमारा एक ही बच्चा या थोड़े-से बच्चे हैं, तो हम परमेश्वर के आशीषित नहीं हैं। बाइबल पढ़ते हुए मैंने पाया है कि परमेश्वर किसी के लिए भी बच्चों की कोई आदर्श संख्या नहीं बताते। सारा का एक था, रिबका के दो, हव्वा के अनेक—और यीशु का कोई नहीं। बाइबल में मुझे जो मिलता है वह यह है कि इनमें से हर व्यक्ति ने बच्चों को परमेश्वर की आशीष के रूप में देखा—चाहे उनके पास कितने भी हों, या एक भी न हो।

पर बच्चों के बारे में परमेश्वर की सोच अपनाना हमेशा सहज नहीं होता। 

परमेश्वर की सोच अपनाना

जब मैं लगभग बारह वर्ष का था, तो किसी दूसरे देश की एक एक्सचेंज छात्रा हमारे परिवार के साथ रहने आई। जब उसने हमें अपने परिवार के बारे में बताया—कि वह और उसके दस भाई-बहन एक छोटे-से घर में, हमारी नज़र में ग़रीबी में, रहते हैं—तो हमें उस पर तरस आया। हमारे परिवार में हम तीन बच्चे थे और तुलना में हम अपने आपको धनी महसूस करते थे। कैसा झटका लगा, जब बाद में सुना कि उसके पिता को हम पर तरस आया था! वहपरिवारकितनाग़रीबहोगा, उन्होंने सोचा, जिसकेइतनेकमबच्चेहैं।

मुझे धनी होने और ग़रीब होने की अपनी परिभाषा पर दोबारा सोचना पड़ा! कई वर्ष बाद, जब मैं लाना से विवाह करने वाला था, तो अपनी परिभाषा पर और भी दोबारा सोचना पड़ा!

जब लाना और मैं अपने साझा भविष्य के बारे में बातें कर रहे थे, तो उसने मुझसे कहा कि वह बारह बच्चे चाहती है! वह नौ बच्चों के परिवार से थी और कहती थी कि उसे हमेशा लगता था कि खेलने के लिए आस-पास और बच्चे होते तो अच्छा होता। तीन बच्चों वाले मेरे परिवार में, मुझे जब भी पूरा घर अपने अकेले के सुकून और शांति के लिए मिल जाता, तो मैं निहाल हो जाता था। किसी-न-किसी की सोच को तो बदलना ही था!

विवाह में बस कुछ ही महीने बचे थे, और मैं प्रार्थना करने लगा कि परमेश्वर हमें ठीक उतने ही बच्चे दें जितने वे हमें देना चाहते हैं। छह बच्चों के बाद, मैं आज भी प्रार्थना कर रहा हूँ! 

जब मैं बच्चों के विषय में बाइबल पढ़ने लगा, तो मैंने देखा कि एक के बाद एक व्यक्ति बच्चों को आशीष के रूप में देखता आया है।

जब राजा सुलैमान ने बच्चों के बारे में लिखा, तो कहा, “धन्यहैवहपुरुषजिसकातरकशउनसेभराहै” (भजनसंहिता 127:5अ)। जब मरियम को पता चला कि वह यीशु की माँ बनने वाली है, तो उसने कहा, “अबसेसारीपीढ़ियाँमुझेधन्यकहेंगी…” (लूका 1:48ब)।जब कुछ छोटे बच्चे यीशु के पास आए, तो चेलों ने उन्हें “भगाने” की कोशिश की। यीशु ने इन अमर शब्दों में उत्तर दिया, “छोटेबच्चोंकोमेरेपासआनेदो, उन्हेंमतरोको, क्योंकिस्वर्गकाराज्यऐसोंहीकाहै” (मत्ती 19:14)। हमारा एक बच्चा हो, दस बच्चे हों या कोई न हो, परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि बच्चों के प्रति हमारा हृदय वैसा ही हो जैसा उनका है: उन्हें उनकी ओरसे आशीष और उनके लिए आशीष के रूप में देखना।

हालाँकि विवाह के बाद बच्चों के प्रति मेरी सोच बदलनी शुरू हो गई थी, पर सच कहूँ तो मेरा हृदय तब तक पीछे रहा जब तक लाना हमारे तीसरे बच्चे की माँ बनने वाली नहीं थी। ऐसा नहीं कि पहले दोनों के लिए मैं ख़ुश नहीं था! पर पहले गर्भ के दौरान क्या-क्या होगा इसकी अनिश्चितता, और दूसरे की शुरुआत में लाना को हुई स्वास्थ्य-सम्बन्धी जटिलताओं के कारण, तीसरे गर्भ तक जाकर ही मैं आख़िरकार चैन से बैठकर सच्चे मन से यह महसूस कर पाया कि परमेश्वर मुझे आशीष दे रहे हैं। दरअसल, जब मुझे पता चला कि लाना तीसरी बार माँ बनने वाली है, तो मैंने इसे इतनी गहराई से महसूस किया कि हमने अपने तीसरे बच्चे के लिए दो ऐसे नाम रखने का फ़ैसला किया जिनका अर्थ है “आशीष”—यानी दोहरी आशीष! मुझे लगा कि अब मैं आख़िरकार बच्चों की सच्ची आशीष को परमेश्वर के नज़रिए से देख पा रहा हूँ।

सेक्स, परमेश्वर की आशीष के साथ

जैसे-जैसे सेक्स के बारे में हमारा नज़रिया परमेश्वर के नज़रिए से अधिकाधिक मेल खाता जाता है, वैसे-वैसे सेक्स से मिलने वाली आशीषें कहीं अधिक स्पष्ट होती जाती हैं। कैडर मिनिस्ट्रीज़ के संस्थापक बिल ऐलिसन एक क़िस्सा सुनाते हैं—वे याबेस की प्रार्थना करते हुए परमेश्वर से अपनी सीमाएँ बढ़ाने की विनती कर रहे थे। जब उनकी पत्नी उनके छठे बच्चे की माँ बनने वाली हुईं, तो पत्नी बोलीं, “प्रार्थना इन्होंने की, और बढ़ना मुझे पड़ा!” 

बच्चों के बारे में परमेश्वर की सोच अपनाने से सेक्स का वास्तविक अनुभव भी बदल सकता है। अपने जीवनसाथी के साथ गर्भ के डर के बिना प्रेम करना—बल्कि उसके बारे में सोचना और उसकी परमेश्वर की आशीष के रूप में बाट जोहना—आपको अचंभित कर देने के लिए काफ़ी है। सेक्स और भी आनंददायक और रोमांचक हो सकता है जब कोई हिचक न हो, यह जानते हुए कि जो आप कर रहे हैं वह परमेश्वर की पूरी जानकारी, सहमति और आशीष के साथ है।

मेरे लिए, जब लाना गर्भवती रही है, हमारी घनिष्ठता के पल उतने ही आनंददायक रहे हैं—बल्कि शायद और भी अधिक। शायद इसका कुछ संबंध यह जानने से है कि उसके भीतर पल रहा बच्चा हमारे प्रेम का ही फल है—और इस बात से भी कि गर्भावस्था में उसके हार्मोन दिन दूने बढ़ते हैं। 

दूसरी ओर, कोई ठीक ही पूछ सकता है: “पर बच्चों की देखभाल में बहुत मेहनत नहीं लगती?” बिल्कुल लगती है!

किसीभीतरहकी आशीषें जैसे-जैसे बढ़ती हैं, ज़िम्मेदारियाँ भी वैसे-वैसे बढ़ती हैं। यीशु कहते हैं:

“जिसेबहुतदियागयाहै, उससेबहुतमाँगाजाएगा; औरजिसेबहुतसौंपागयाहै, उससेऔरभीअधिकमाँगाजाएगा” (लूका 12:48ब)।

जिसके पास सचमुच दो-तीन छुट्टियों वाले बंगले या दो-तीन गाड़ियाँ हों—नौ-दस की तो बात ही छोड़िए—वह इस बात की गवाही देगा। रख-रखाव, मरम्मत, कर, बीमा और समय के लगातार निवेश के बीच, ये सब चीज़ें सबसे उत्साही मकान-मालिक या कार-प्रेमी तक का आनंद छीनने पर तुल सकती हैं। अपना आनंद बनाए रखने की कुंजी है, परमेश्वर के नज़रिए को अपने मन में सबसे आगे रखना—कुछ दिनों में यह कोई मामूली काम नहीं!—पर यह एक ऐसा काम है जो बोझ जैसी लगने वाली चीज़ को फिर से वह आशीष बना सकता है जो परमेश्वर ने उसे बनाया था। 

परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम जीवन पर उनका नज़रिया अपनाएँ, जो हमेशा सहज नहीं होता। जैसा परमेश्वर कहते हैं:

“क्योंकिमेरेविचारतुम्हारेविचारनहीं, औरनतुम्हारेमार्गमेरेमार्गहैं,” यहोवाकीयहवाणीहै। “जैसेआकाशपृथ्वीसेऊँचाहै, वैसेहीमेरेमार्गतुम्हारेमार्गोंसेऔरमेरेविचारतुम्हारेविचारोंसेऊँचेहैं” (यशायाह 55:8-9)।

पर जब हम उनसे विनती करते हैं, तो परमेश्वर उनके विचारों और मार्गों और हमारे विचारों और मार्गों के बीच की खाई पाटने में हमारी मदद करते हैं। और जब वे ऐसा करते हैं, तो यह ज़मीन-आसमान का अंतर ला सकता है, जैसा मैं अगले और अंतिम अध्याय में बताऊँगा।

पुनरावलोकन प्रश्न

1. जबपरमेश्वरनेआदमऔरहव्वाकोआशीषदी, तोउन्हेंकिसचीज़सेआशीषितकिया? (उत्पत्ति 1:28, उत्पत्ति 5:4) 

2. बाइबलकेऔरकौन–सेउदाहरणहैंजहाँबच्चोंकोआशीषकेरूपमेंदेखागया? (उत्पत्ति 22:17-18, अय्यूब 42:12-16, भजनसंहिता 127:5, लूका 1:48) 

3. परमेश्वरकीआशीषोंकेबढ़नेकेसाथ–साथऔरक्याबढ़ताहै? (लूका 12:48) 

4. परमेश्वरकेविचारोंऔरमार्गोंकीतुलनामेंहमारेविचारऔरमार्गकितनेअलगहैं? (यशायाह 55:8-9)

अध्याय 7:
परमेश्वर जो अंतर लाते हैं

“इसलिए जो कोई मेरी ये बातें सुनकर उन पर चलता है, वह उस बुद्धिमान मनुष्य के समान है जिसने अपना घर चट्टान पर बनाया।”
मत्ती 7:24

अभी बहुत कुछ है जो मैं आपको बताना चाहता हूँ। और बहुत कुछ है जो परमेश्वर आपको बताना चाहते हैं! पर मुझे आशा है कि जो कुछ मैंने अब तक बताया है, वह उन बाक़ी सारी बातों के लिए एक अच्छी नींव देगा जो परमेश्वर सेक्स के बारे में कहते हैं। 

हालाँकि कई और मुद्दे हैं जिन पर मैं यहाँ बात कर सकता था, और जिन पर परमेश्वर बाइबल में बात करते हैं, पर मुझे लगता है कि जिन मुद्दों को मैंने अब तक छुआ है, वे बाक़ी बहुतों को उनकी सही जगह पर बिठाने में मदद करेंगे। 

सुसमाचार प्रचारक डी. एल. मूडी ने कहा था, “यह दिखाने का सबसे अच्छा तरीक़ा कि कोई छड़ी टेढ़ी है, उस पर बहस करना या उसकी निंदा में समय गँवाना नहीं, बल्कि उसके बग़ल में एक सीधी छड़ी रख देना है।”1 मुझे आशा है कि जब आपके सामने सेक्स से जुड़े दूसरे मुद्दे आएँगे, तो यह पुस्तक आपके लिए एक “सीधी छड़ी” का काम करेगी। 

इस पुस्तक से मुझे आशा है कि आपने जो मुख्य बातें अब तक पाई हैं, उनका एक सारांश यह है:

1. परमेश्वरनेसेक्सकीरचनाघनिष्ठताऔरफलवन्तताकेदोहरेउद्देश्योंकेलिएकी। परमेश्वर लोगों से प्रेम करते हैं और नहीं चाहते कि वे अकेले रहें। सेक्स के द्वारा उन्होंने अपने हृदय की इच्छाएँ पूरी करने का मार्ग बनाया है, और साथ ही साथ हमारे हृदय की इच्छाएँ भी। 
2. परमेश्वरचाहतेहैंकिहमविवाहसेपहलेभीऔरविवाहकेभीतरभीशुद्धरहें। परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि जिस दिन तक हम किसी से विवाह न कर लें, तब तक हम उसके साथ ऐसा बर्ताव करें मानो वह किसी और का पति या पत्नी हो—क्योंकि उस दिन तक, वह हो भी सकता है। 
3. परमेश्वरचाहतेहैंकिहमप्रलोभनसेभागें। परमेश्वर जानते हैं कि प्रलोभन में पड़ना कैसा होता है, और वे हमें प्रलोभन से निकलने का मार्ग हमेशा देंगे—बशर्ते हम उसे खोजें और अपनाएँ। परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम अपने शरीरों को वश में रखना सीखें, प्रलोभन के विरुद्ध प्रार्थना करें, और उससे भागें! 
4. परमेश्वरचाहतेहैंकिहमअपनेपापोंकाअंगीकारकरें, ताकिफिरसेशुद्धबनसकें। परमेश्वर नहीं चाहते कि पाप करने पर शैतान हमें गिराए रखे। उनके सामने अपने पापों का अंगीकार करने और यीशु पर विश्वास रखने से, परमेश्वर हमारे पाप क्षमा करने का वादा करते हैं, ताकि हम वह जीवन जी सकें जिसके लिए उन्होंने हमें बुलाया है—इस पृथ्वी पर भी और आगे स्वर्ग में भी।
5. परमेश्वरचाहतेहैंकिहमअपनेजीवनसाथीकोघनिष्ठतासेऔरनियमितरूपसेजानें। परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि जो पति या पत्नी उन्होंने हमारे लिए रचा है, उसे जानने के लिए हम समय निकालें—विवाह से पहले भी और बाद में भी। हम उन्हें जितना बेहतर जानेंगे, उतना ही बेहतर हम उनके साथ परमेश्वर के उस उपहार की तरह पेश आ सकेंगे जो वे सचमुच हैं।
6. परमेश्वरचाहतेहैंकिहमबच्चोंकोआशीषकेरूपमेंदेखें। परमेश्वर से बच्चों के प्रति उनकी सोच माँगने पर, हम उनकी आशीषों का अनुभव किए बिना रह ही नहीं सकते—चाहे परमेश्वर हमें कितने भी बच्चे दें, या एक भी न दें।

समाप्त करने से पहले, मैं आपको वह सबसे गहरा अंतर बताना चाहता हूँ जो परमेश्वर ने मेरे जीवन में तब लाया, जब मैंने आख़िरकार सेक्स के बारे में उनकी कही बातों को अमल में लाया। इसमें कोई संदेह नहीं कि परमेश्वर चाहते हैं कि हम जानें कि वे सेक्स के बारे में क्या कहते हैं। पर उनकी बात जानना और उसे अमल में लाना, दो अलग बातें हैं। यीशु ने इसे यूँ कहा:

“इसलिएजोकोईमेरीयेबातेंसुनकरउनपरचलताहै, वहउसबुद्धिमानमनुष्यकेसमानहैजिसनेअपनाघरचट्टानपरबनाया।बारिशउतरी, बाढ़ेंउठीं, औरआँधियाँचलकरउसघरसेटकराईं; फिरभीवहनहींगिरा, क्योंकिउसकीनींवचट्टानपरथी।परजोकोईमेरीयेबातेंसुनकरउनपरनहींचलता, वहउसमूर्खमनुष्यकेसमानहैजिसनेअपनाघररेतपरबनाया।बारिशउतरी, बाढ़ेंउठीं, औरआँधियाँचलकरउसघरसेटकराईं, औरवहगिरगया, औरभयानकरूपसेढहगया” (मत्ती 7:24-27)।

क्या आपने उन पाँच मेंढकों की कहानी सुनी है जो एक लट्ठे पर बैठे थे, और उनमें से एक ने कूदने का फ़ैसला किया? लट्ठे पर कितने मेंढक बचे? पाँचों! उसने कूदने का बस फ़ैसला ही तो किया था।

परमेश्वर की बात मानने का फ़ैसला करना एक बात है; विश्वास की छलाँग लगाकर सचमुच उसे करना दूसरी बात। पर जब आप करेंगे, तो सँभल जाइए! परमेश्वर आपके लिए वह सब करेंगे जो आपकी हर माँग और कल्पना से बढ़कर होगा।

मैं जानता हूँ, क्योंकि मैंने ख़ुद वह छलाँग लगाई है।

परमेश्वर ने मेरे लिए जो अंतर लाया

इस पुस्तक के समर्पण में मैंने लिखा था कि यदि मैंने वे बातें न सीखी होतीं जो परमेश्वर से सीखकर मैंने इस पुस्तक में बाँटी हैं, तो शायद मेरे बच्चे आज यहाँ न होते। मैं मज़ाक़ नहीं कर रहा था!

जब मैं अपनी ही इच्छाओं के लिए जी रहा था—जो भी अच्छालगे वही करते हुए—तब मैं विनाश की ओर जाती राह पर था और मुझे इसका पता तक नहीं था। मैं बस अपनी इच्छाओं के पीछे-पीछे चला जा रहा था, वे जहाँ भी ले जाएँ। 

कॉलेज के कुछ वर्षों में मेरी इच्छाएँ मुझे समलैंगिकता तक भी ले गईं—मैं दूसरे पुरुषों के साथ यौन रूप से घनिष्ठ रहा। ये रिश्ते मेरी एक वास्तविक ज़रूरत—दूसरे पुरुषों के साथ गहरी मित्रता की ज़रूरत—को पूरा करते जान पड़ते थे। मुझे एहसास नहीं था कि जिस तरह मैं उस ज़रूरत को पूरा कर रहा था, वह वो तरीक़ा नहीं था जिससे परमेश्वर उसे पूरा करवाना चाहते थे। मैं तो बस मौज कर रहा था—यह जाने बिना कि यह मेरे जीवन के लिए कितना ख़तरा है, और मेरे भविष्य के लिए परमेश्वर की योजना के लिए भी कितना ख़तरा है।

एड्स उन दिनों एक नया शब्द था—उस जानलेवा स्थिति के लिए, जो बहुत से समलैंगिक पुरुषों को आपसी यौन गतिविधियों से लग रही थी। मुझे कभी यह ख़याल तक नहीं आया कि मुझे भी एड्स हो सकता है—कई वर्ष बाद तक, जब मसीह पर विश्वास रखे मुझे बस कुछ ही दिन हुए थे। पर उसी सप्ताह किसी ने यूँ ही मुझसे पूछ लिया कि क्या मैंने कभी एड्स की जाँच करवाई है। मैंने नहीं करवाई थी, तो मैं जाँच के लिए गया। तभी यह बात मुझ पर बिजली की तरह गिरी: जो कुछ मैं करता रहा था, वह केवल खेल-तमाशा नहीं था, वह जीवन और मृत्यु का मामला था। अगले सप्ताह, जाँच के नतीजों की प्रतीक्षा करते हुए, मैं अपने जीवन के लिए डरा हुआ था। अपनी आत्मा के लिए नहीं डरा था, क्योंकि मैं मसीह पर विश्वास रख चुका था। मैं जानता था कि परमेश्वर ने मुझे क्षमा कर दिया है और यदि मैं मर भी गया, तो वे मुझे अपने साथ स्वर्ग में रहने के लिए ले जाएँगे। पर मैं मरना नहीं चाहता था। मैं वह भरपूर-से-भरपूर जीवन जीना चाहता था जिसके लिए परमेश्वर ने मुझे रचा था।

आप मेरी राहत की कल्पना कर सकते हैं जब उन्होंने मुझे नतीजे दिए: मुझे एड्स नहीं था। मैं नहीं जानता कि मैं क्यों बच गया, जबकि और लोग नहीं बचे—चाहे वे मसीही हों या न हों। यह तो निश्चित ही इसलिए नहीं था कि मैं इसका हक़दार था। पर मैं जानता था कि वजह चाहे जो हो, अब मुझे जीवन का एक और मौक़ा मिला है। मुझे ऐसा लगा मानो परमेश्वर ने मुझे मृत्यु की राह से उठाकर जीवन की राह पर—और भरपूर जीवन की राह पर—रख दिया है। 

इस नई राह पर परमेश्वर ने मुझे एक पत्नी दी है, और हमारी यौन घनिष्ठता के फल के रूप में छह बच्चे—भरपूर जीवन!

अपनी योजना की बजाय अपने जीवन के लिए परमेश्वर की योजना पर चलने से क्या अंतर पड़ सकता है? मेरे लिए, मेरी पत्नी के लिए, और हमारे उन छह बच्चों के लिए जो शायद कभी जन्म ही न लेते—इसने ज़मीन-आसमान का अंतर ला दिया है।

आपके लिए परमेश्वर की आशीष

सुसमाचार प्रचारक बिली ग्रैहम ने एक बार हमारे यौन जीवन में परमेश्वर के लाए अंतर का स्पष्ट और सटीक सार दिया था: 

“सेक्सइसपृथ्वीकीसबसेअद्भुतचीज़है, जबतकउसमेंपरमेश्वरहैं।जबउसमेंशैतानघुसजाताहै, तोयहपृथ्वीकीसबसेभयानकचीज़बनजातीहै।”2

मैं इससे पूरी तरह सहमत हूँ। यदि किसी भी वजह से सेक्स कभी आपके लिए पृथ्वी की सबसे भयानक चीज़ों में से एक बन जाए—या बन चुका हो—तो मैं आपको प्रोत्साहित करना चाहता हूँ कि परमेश्वर की ओर मुड़ते रहिए और अपने जीवन की हर बात के लिए उन पर विश्वास रखते रहिए। उनसे विनती कीजिए कि वे आपको एक नई दृष्टि दें कि वे आपसे सेक्स को कैसे देखने और अनुभव करने की अपेक्षा रखते हैं। और प्रतीक्षा करने के लिए दाँव पर बहुत कुछ लगा है—आपके लिए, आपके आस-पास के लोगों के लिए, और उनके लिए भी जिन्होंने शायद अभी जन्म भी नहीं लिया। 

परमेश्वर से विनती कीजिए कि वे आपको उठाकर अपनी भरपूर जीवन की राह पर रख दें, आपको उस राह पर बनाए रखने के लिए अपना पवित्र आत्मा भेजें, और आपके जीवन को आपकी हर माँग और कल्पना से बढ़कर आशीषित करें।

जब आप ऐसा करेंगे, तो पाएँगे कि परमेश्वर विश्वासयोग्य हैं। जब आप उनमें अपने सुख का मूल पाएँगे, तो वे आपके मन की इच्छाएँ अवश्य पूरीकरेंगे। यह वादा सीधे परमेश्वर के वचन से है: 

“यहोवाकोअपनेसुखकामूलजान, औरवहतेरेमनकीइच्छाएँपूरीकरेगा” (भजनसंहिता 37:4)।

और यही आपके लिए मेरी हार्दिक प्रार्थना है।

“वहतुझेतेरेमनकीइच्छादे

औरतेरीसारीयोजनाएँसफलकरे। 

तेरीविजयपरहमजयजयकारकरेंगे

औरअपनेपरमेश्वरकेनामपरअपनेझंडेऊँचेउठाएँगे। 

यहोवातेरीसारीविनतियाँपूरीकरे।”

भजनसंहिता 20:4-5

पुनरावलोकन प्रश्न

1. बाइबलमेंपरमेश्वरसेक्सकेबारेमेंजोकहतेहैं, उनमेंसेकम–से–कमतीनबातोंकासारआपकैसेदेंगे? 

2. यीशुनेकहाकिजोपरमेश्वरकीबातसुनतेहैंऔरजोउसपरचलतेहैं, उनमेंक्याअंतरहोगा? (मत्ती 7:24-27) 

3. सेक्सपरपरमेश्वरकानज़रियाअपनानेसेलेखककेजीवनमेंक्याअंतरआया? 

4. यदिआपपरमेश्वरमेंअपनेसुखकामूलपाएँ, तोवेआपकोक्यादेनेकावादाकरतेहैं? (भजनसंहिता 37:4) 

अंत-टिप्पणियाँ:

^{1 लवइज़दग्रेटेस्ट (Love is the Greatest), जॉर्जस्वीटिंग, पृ. 81}

^{2 जस्टऐज़आइऐम (Just As I Am), बिलीग्रैहम, पृ. 244}परिशिष्ट:
आख़िर सेक्स है क्या?

“इसी कारण पुरुष अपने माता-पिता को छोड़कर अपनी पत्नी से मिला रहेगा, और वे दोनों एक तन हो जाएँगे।”
उत्पत्ति 2:24

सेक्स वह प्रक्रिया है जिसके द्वारा बहुत-से जीवित प्राणी प्रजनन करते हैं—पौधे, पेड़ और पशु से लेकर पक्षी, मछली और मनुष्य तक।

सेक्स परमेश्वर के मन में कभी सोची गई सबसे अद्भुत प्रक्रियाओं में से एक भी है। मैं अपने हर बच्चे के जन्म के समय मौजूद रहा हूँ, और जिस तरह एक बच्चा जन्म लेता है वह विस्मयकारी है। पर मैं अपने हर बच्चे के गर्भाधान के समय भी मौजूद रहा हूँ—समय का वह क्षण जब उनकी रचना हुई—और मैं कह सकता हूँ कि पहले-पहल जिस तरह एक बच्चा गर्भ में आता है, वह भी उतना ही विस्मयकारी है, बल्कि शायद उससे भी अधिक!

मैं यहाँ आपको वह प्रक्रिया बताना चाहूँगा, जैसा परमेश्वर ने स्वयं प्रकृति की रचना के द्वारा हम पर प्रकट किया है। हालाँकि मैंने इस प्रक्रिया को सरल ढंग से बताने में बड़ी सावधानी बरती है, पर मेरे सरल वर्णन को सरल प्रक्रिया समझने की भूल मत कीजिए। मानव प्रजनन-तंत्र अब तक रची गई सबसे पेचीदा और जटिल प्रणालियों में से एक है। 

सेक्स का ककहरा

शिशु बहुत नाज़ुक होते हैं और बढ़ने के लिए उन्हें एक सुरक्षित जगह चाहिए, इसलिए परमेश्वर ने हर स्त्री के भीतर ठीक ऐसी ही एक जगह रची, जिसे गर्भ (कोख) कहते हैं। गर्भ एक कोमल, फैलने योग्य ऊतक से बना होता है, जो शिशु को धीरे से अपनी गोद में लपेटे रखता है।

पर शिशु पूरे बढ़े हुए शिशु के रूप में शुरू नहीं होता; वह एक नन्हे अंडाणु के रूप में शुरू होता है, जो इस वाक्य के अंत में लगे बिंदु से भी छोटा होता है। जब कोई स्त्री यौवन तक पहुँचती है—यानी उस उम्र में, जब वह बच्चे पैदा करने लायक़ हो जाती है—तो परमेश्वर ने उसके शरीर को इस तरह रचा है कि वह अपने गर्भ में अंडाणु छोड़ने लगे। लगभग हर महीने में एक बार, गर्भ के ठीक ऊपर स्थित एक छोटे-से भंडार-क्षेत्र से, जिसे अंडाशय कहते हैं, एक अंडाणु निकलता है।जब अंडाशय अंडाणु छोड़ता है, तो वह एक पतली नली से होकर गर्भ की ओर सरकता है। ऐसे दो अंडाशय और दो नलियाँ होती हैं, जो गर्भ में जाकर मिलती हैं। आम तौर पर हर महीने इन दोनों में से केवल एक अंडाशय ही अंडाणु छोड़ता है।

अंडाणु धीरे-धीरे नली से होकर आगे बढ़ता है, निषेचित होने की प्रतीक्षा में—जिसकी चर्चा मैं आगे करूँगा। यदि कुछ ही दिनों में अंडाणु निषेचित नहीं होता, तो वह बस गर्भ से होकर और एक बड़ी नली से होकर आगे बढ़ जाता है, जो स्त्री के शरीर से बाहर आती है और जिसे योनि कहते हैं। स्त्री की टाँगों के बीच के तीन छिद्रों में से योनि बीच का छिद्र है। मूत्रमार्ग, जहाँ से मूत्र यानी तरल अपशिष्ट निकलता है, योनि के आगे है, और मलाशय, जहाँ से मल यानी ठोस अपशिष्ट निकलता है, उसके पीछे है।

योनि से निकलने वाला अंडाणु इतना छोटा होता है कि देखा नहीं जा सकता, पर गर्भ की भीतरी दीवारों पर जमा कुछ रक्त अंडाणु के साथ बाहर आता है—यह गर्भ को साफ़ करने का एक तरीक़ा है, इससे पहले कि पूरी प्रक्रिया दोबारा शुरू हो। चूँकि अंडाणु लिए हुए रक्त का यह प्रवाह आम तौर पर महीने में लगभग एक बार, या समय-समय पर होता है, इसलिए लोग इस मासिक प्रवाह को माहवारी कहते हैं। 

अगले महीने प्रक्रिया दोबारा शुरू होती है और अंडाशयों में से किसी एक से एक और अंडाणु निकलता है। फिर यह अंडाणु नली से होकर—जिसे फैलोपियननली कहते हैं—गर्भ की ओर बढ़ता है, ताकि संभवतः निषेचित हो सके (गर्भ को गर्भाशय भी कहते हैं)। यदि अंडाणु निषेचित नहीं होता, तो वह गर्भ से होकर और योनि से नीचे होकर आगे बढ़ जाता है, फिर अगली माहवारी में गर्भ के रक्त के साथ बाहर आ जाता है।

स्त्री के भीतर अंडाणुओं का निकलना महत्वपूर्ण है, पर निषेचन के बिना शिशु की रचना नहीं हो सकती। निषेचन वह चिंगारी है जो नया जीवन रचती है। निषेचन तब होता है जब शुक्राणु नामक कोई चीज़ अंडाणु के संपर्क में आती है। शुक्राणु भी बहुत नन्हे होते हैं; वे तो अंडाणु से भी छोटे होते हैं।

पर स्त्री का शरीर शुक्राणु नहीं बनाता। शुक्राणु केवल पुरुष के शरीर के भीतर बनते हैं। जैसे स्त्री के शरीर में दो अंडाशय होते हैं जहाँ अंडाणु जमा रहते हैं, वैसे ही पुरुष के शरीर में दो वृषण होते हैं जहाँ शुक्राणु बनते हैं। ये दोनों वृषण त्वचा की एक थैली में रहते हैं, जिसे अंडकोष–थैली कहते हैं, और जो पुरुष की टाँगों के बीच होती है। शुक्राणुओं को शरीर के बाक़ी हिस्सों से थोड़ा ठंडा रखना ज़रूरी है, इसलिए परमेश्वर ने इस थैली को पुरुष के शरीर से बस थोड़ा बाहर लटकता हुआ रचा, ताकि तापमान बिल्कुल सही बना रहे।

जब पुरुष बच्चे पैदा करने लायक़ उम्र का हो जाता है, तो उसके वृषण शुक्राणु बनाने लगते हैं। चूँकि बच्चे की रचना के लिए शुक्राणु और अंडाणु का आपस में संपर्क में आना ज़रूरी है, इसलिए परमेश्वर ने शुक्राणु और अंडाणु को बिना कभी मानव शरीर से बाहर निकले आपस में मिलाने का एक तरीक़ा रचा। और शुक्राणु और अंडाणु को परमेश्वर जिस अद्भुत अनुभव के द्वारा मिलाते हैं, उसे ही सेक्स कहते हैं।

हमारे शरीरों में त्वचा की सतह के पास ख़ास तंत्रिकाएँ जुड़ी होती हैं, जो किसी के गले लगाने या चूमने पर हमें बहुत अच्छा महसूस करा सकती हैं। पर परमेश्वर ने एक रोमानी तरह का आलिंगन और चुम्बन बचाकर रखा है, जिसका आनंद हम अपने पति या पत्नी के साथ ले सकते हैं, और जो और भी अद्भुत महसूस हो सकता है। 

गले लगने और चूमने के इन ख़ास पलों के दौरान, इस सारे स्पर्श से पुरुष का लिंग उत्तेजित होकर सीधा और कड़ा हो जाता है, हालाँकि छूने में वह तब भी नरम रहता है। लिंग ऐसा तब होता है जब रक्त तेज़ी से उसमें भरता है और उसमें पाए जाने वाले एक ख़ास तरह के शरीर-ऊतक में बह जाता है। 

जैसे-जैसे पुरुष और स्त्री एक-दूसरे से और क़रीब सिमटते हैं, उसके लिंग से एक चिकना, पारदर्शी, लोशन जैसा तरल निकलने लगता है, जिसे वीर्य कहते हैं। इसी तरह, स्त्री का शरीर भी वैसा ही चिकना और पारदर्शी तरल छोड़ता है, जो उसकी योनि को—यानी उस नली को जो उसके गर्भ में जाती है—चिकना बना देता है। यह सारा स्वाभाविक रूप से बना लोशन रगड़ और स्पर्श को और भी चिकना और अद्भुत बना देता है।

परमेश्वर ने स्त्री की योनि को कोमल और फैलने योग्य रचा है, ताकि उसके पति का लिंग उसमें कोमलता से और भली-भाँति समा सके। जैसे-जैसे पुरुष और स्त्री इस तरह एक-दूसरे से प्रेम करते रहते हैं—उसका लिंग उसकी योनि के भीतर कोमलता से रगड़ खाते हुए—ये रगड़ की गतियाँ अंततः वृषणों से इन लाखों नन्हे शुक्राणुओं को छोड़ देती हैं, और वे वीर्य के साथ मिल जाते हैं। फिर मिले हुए शुक्राणु और वीर्य लिंग से होकर ऊपर स्त्री की योनि में और फिर उसके गर्भ में पहुँचते हैं।

यदि स्त्री के किसी अंडाशय ने पहले ही गर्भ की ओर जाने वाली नली में एक अंडाणु छोड़ रखा हो, तो अंडाणु तक पहुँचने और उसके संपर्क में आने वाला पहला शुक्राणु निषेचन की प्रक्रिया की चिंगारी जगा देता है। जब ऐसा होता है—वह क्षण जिसे गर्भाधान कहते हैं—तो एक नया जीवन रचा जाता है और गर्भ में बढ़ने लगता है। 

पुरुष से शुक्राणु स्त्री में छूट जाने के बाद, पुरुष का लिंग शिथिल होने लगता है, और पति-पत्नी जब तक चाहें, गले लगते और चूमते हुए एक-दूसरे को थामे रह सकते हैं। 

 इस प्रक्रिया का जैविक नाम संभोग है, जिसे आम तौर पर छोटा करके बस सेक्स कह दिया जाता है। चूँकि यह प्रक्रिया इतनी अच्छी महसूस होती है और पति-पत्नी को एक-दूसरे से इतना प्रेम पाया हुआ महसूस कराती है, इसलिए इस अनुभव को कभी-कभी प्रेमकरना भी कहते हैं। 

परमेश्वर इसे एकतन हो जाना कहते हैं:

“इसीकारणपुरुषअपनेमाता–पिताकोछोड़करअपनीपत्नीसेमिलारहेगा, औरवेदोनोंएकतनहोजाएँगे” (उत्पत्ति 2:24)।

मैं इसे चमत्कार कहता हूँ! मैंने अपने पूरे जीवन में ऐसा कुछ अनुभव नहीं किया।

जब मैंने पहली बार सेक्स के बारे में जाना, तो मुझे लगा कि यह अब तक सुनी सबसे अनोखी बातों में से एक है। पर तब से मैंने जाना है कि परमेश्वर के लिए यह ज़रा भी अनोखी बात नहीं। यह वही प्रक्रिया है जिसका उपयोग वे हज़ारों वर्षों से नया जीवन रचने के लिए करते आ रहे हैं।

यदि आपके मन में कभी सेक्स के बारे में, या यूँ कहें कि किसीभी बारे में, कोई प्रश्न हो, तो परमेश्वर से विनती कीजिए कि वे आपको अपनी बुद्धि दें। वे उसे आप पर बहुतायत से उँडेलकर ख़ुश होंगे:

“यदितुममेंसेकिसीमेंबुद्धिकीकमीहो, तोवहपरमेश्वरसेमाँगे, जोबिनादोषलगाएसबकोउदारतासेदेताहै, औरउसेदीजाएगी” (याकूब 1:5)।

पुनरावलोकन प्रश्न

1. बच्चेकीरचनाकेलिएपरमेश्वरसेक्सकेद्वाराकिनदोचीज़ोंकोआपसमेंमिलातेहैं—एकस्त्रीकेशरीरसेऔरएकपुरुषकेशरीरसे? 

2. यदिस्त्रीकाअंडाणुएकनिश्चितसमयकेभीतरनिषेचितनहो, तोउसकाक्याहोताहै? 

3. जबपुरुषऔरउसकीपत्नीआपसमेंमिलतेहैं, तोपरमेश्वरकहतेहैंकिवेक्याबनजातेहैं? (उत्पत्ति 2:24) 

4. जोलोगपरमेश्वरसेबुद्धिमाँगतेहैं, उन्हेंवेउदारतासेक्यादेनेकावादाकरतेहैं? (याकूब 1:5)लेखक के विषय में

यूएसएटुडे ने जिन्हें “सुसमाचार प्रचारकों की एक नई नस्ल” कहा, वे एरिक एल्डर एक अभिषिक्त पास्टर, छह बच्चों के पिता, और The Ranch के रचयिता हैं—यह विश्वास को बढ़ावा देने वाली एक वेबसाइट है, जो हर महीने हज़ारों आगंतुकों को आकर्षित करती है, इस पते पर: ।www.TheRanch.org

एरिक एक प्रेरणादायक लेखक और वक्ता भी हैं। उन्होंने बिली ग्रैहम की डिसीज़नमैगज़ीन जैसी पत्रिकाओं के लिए परमेश्वर के विषय में लिखा है, और एक्सोडसइंटरनेशनलफ़्रीडमकॉन्फ़्रेंस जैसे राष्ट्रीय सम्मेलनों में सेक्स के विषय में बोला है।

परमेश्वर और सेक्स के विषयों को इस एक पुस्तक में जोड़कर, एरिक ने एक छोटी-सी रचना तैयार की है जो बहुत कुछ कह जाती है। वयस्क उनकी सहायक अंतर्दृष्टि और व्यावहारिक बुद्धि की सराहना करेंगे, माता-पिता एक नाज़ुक विषय के प्रति उनके सुरुचिपूर्ण नज़रिए की सराहना करेंगे, और किशोर व किशोरावस्था से पहले के बच्चे उनके खुलेपन, ईमानदारी और हास्य-बोध की सराहना करेंगे, जो इस पुस्तक के पन्नों में बुने हुए हैं।

और अधिक प्रेरणादायक सामग्री सुनने, डाउनलोड करने या मँगवाने के लिए, कृपया इस पते पर जाएँ: 

  www.TheRanch.org

An inspirational book to help you discover and put into practice what God says about sex
by Eric Elder

A great book on a compelling topic for people of all ages, from those just learning about sex to those who would like a clear understanding of what God says about sex in the Bible.  A reader writes: “…heartwarming, honest, insightful and quite provocative.” Another writes: “Although this is a short work, it speaks volumes.” A mother writes: “After only a few pages, I knew I could trust this book in the hands of my daughters.” A father writes: “It’s the kind of book I could read to my son and not be ashamed.”

Listen here, read below, or click here to download the PDF
Also available in Paperback, Audible, HINDI, TAMIL, or SINHALA!

(Auto-narrated by “Morgan” on Google Play Books)

DEDICATION

To my children who–had I not learned the things I share in this book–might never have been born.

PREFACE

I began this book as a way to summarize hundreds of letters I’ve written and conversations I’ve had regarding what God says about sex.  But before I wrote the first word, I asked God who the readers of this book might be.  I wanted to be able to picture them in my mind as I wrote these words.

Without hesitation, God spoke to my heart:  “Write it for your children.”

My children?!?  I thought.  That’s not who I had in mind at all!

When I realized that God was serious, my passion and diligence for this project increased a hundredfold.  I realized that the readers of this book would not just be people on the far side of the globe who could take or leave these words as they wished.  The readers would be my own precious children, the ones I most wanted to see enjoy the fullness of sex without experiencing the pain that has fallen upon so many.

Then God nudged my heart again.

I realized that this would be the same audience He wanted to reach through this book:  You, His own precious child, the one He most wants to see enjoy the fullness of sex without experiencing the pain that has fallen upon so many.

With that in mind, I invite you to read these words that I’ve written from the depths of my heart.  For they’re not only my impassioned words to my beloved children, they’re also God’s impassioned words to you–His beloved child.

Eric Elder

TABLE OF CONTENTS

• READER’S WRITE
• DEDICATION
• PREFACE
• INTRODUCTION: HOW TO KNOW WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT ANYTHING
• CHAPTER 1: WHY GOD CREATED SEX
• CHAPTER 2: STAYING PURE
• CHAPTER 3: DEALING WITH TEMPTATION
• CHAPTER 4: BECOMING PURE AGAIN
• CHAPTER 5: KNOWING YOUR SPOUSE
• CHAPTER 6: VIEWING CHILDREN AS BLESSINGS
• CHAPTER 7: THE DIFFERENCE GOD MAKES
• APPENDIX: WHAT IS SEX, ANYWAY?

INTRODUCTION: HOW TO KNOW WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT ANYTHING

“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true…” (2 Timothy 3:16a, NLT).

I was working on a project a few years ago called What God Says about Angels.  One day, someone asked me, “How do you know what God says about angels?”

It was a great question.  How did I know what God says about angels?  How did I know what God says about anything?

For me, whenever I’m ever looking for “a word from God,” the first place I look is in the Bible–it has over 800,000 of them!  The words in the Bible have given me encouragement and guidance, hope and inspiration, insight and understanding.  The Bible has given me more practical wisdom than any other book in the world.

I think this is true for two reasons:

1. The words of the Bible have stood the test of time.  These words were written by people who have been extremely close to God–people who have asked God honest questions and listened for His honest answers.  What happened in their lives as a result of hearing and doing what God said was phenomenal.  So phenomenal, in fact, that even to this day, thousands of years later, the Bible is still the most widely read, published and translated book in the world.
2. The words of the Bible have stood the test of trial and error.  My own trial and error!  Whenever I’ve read something in the Bible and have wondered if it might work in my own life, I’ve put it to the test.  What’s happened to me as a result of hearing and doing what God said has been phenomenal, too, as you’ll see in this book.

After putting into practice hundreds of things that I’ve read in the Bible, I’ve come to the same conclusion as the Apostle Paul who wrote:

“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right” (2 Timothy 3:16, NLT).

In perhaps no other area of my life has this proven more true than in the area of what God says about sex.

I’d like to say a special word to those of you who may be learning about sex for the very first time.  I’ve written a special chapter just for you at the end of this book called, “What is Sex, Anyway?”  You’ll want to read this special chapter first as it will give you a good foundation as you go through the rest of this book.

For those of you who already know about sex, you might still want to read this special chapter first.  This may be the first time that you’ve ever heard sex described like this and it will give you a good foundation as you go through the rest of your life.

CHAPTER 1: WHY GOD CREATED SEX

“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

Why did God create sex?  Why did He take one of the most complicated processes in the world–the creation of a child–and make it so simple that almost anyone could do it, without even taking a class in sex education?  As I’ve looked through the Bible, I’ve found two reasons:  through sex, God created a way to fulfill the desires of His heart, while at the same time fulfilling the desires of our hearts.

And what are the desires of His heart?  We find out in the first words God spoke to the first couple on earth.  You might be surprised that His first words to them were about sex, but they were!  Take a look at what God said to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden:

“God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it'” (Genesis 1:28a).

God told them to be fruitful and increase in number, and the way that people are fruitful is through sex.

Some people might think that the Bible is boring, but not the way I read it!  Here in the opening scene you have two people, completely naked, standing in the middle of an exotic paradise, and the first thing their Creator says to them is, “Have at it!  Be fruitful!  Multiply!”  Whew!  If a movie came out this summer with an opening scene like that, teens and adults alike would line up around the block to go see it!

My wife Lana and I have taken those words to heart, and six kids later we’re still having an awesome time fulfilling those first words that God spoke to the first people on the earth!

What do God’s words to Adam and Eve tell us about the desires of His heart?  On the surface, they tell us that He wants us to be fruitful and multiply.  But why?  Why does God want so many people?

Why?  Because God loves people.  He absolutely loves them, including you and me.  God loves people so much that He wants the earth to be filled with them.  One of the most famous verses in the Bible says, “For God so loved the world…” (John 3:16a).

God created sex for more than just to give Adam and Eve something to do on a Saturday night!  God wanted them to be fruitful and multiply because He loves people and wants to have an intimate relationship with each and every one of us.  God was so eager to see that you were born that He made it as easy and as attractive as possible for your parents to get together and create you.

The Desires of My Heart

But if you go back just a little further in the story of Adam and Eve, you’ll see that God didn’t create sex simply to fulfill the desires of His heart.  He also created sex in a way that it would fulfill the desires of their hearts.

The day I discovered that God wanted to fulfill Adam and Eve’s desires was the same day I asked Lana to marry me.

Lana and I had met several years earlier when we both were in college together at the University of Illinois.  But after we graduated, I moved to Texas and she moved to Michigan.  A few years later, we wondered if God might want us to get back together again–this time for marriage.  So Lana moved to Texas so that we could pray about the decision together.  Early one Saturday morning, Lana came to my apartment and we went to watch a friend run a race.  After the race, we came back to my apartment for some quiet time with God before going on with our day.  Lana went to the living room with her Bible and I went to my bedroom with mine.

Just a few days earlier, I had finished reading through the entire Bible for the first time in my life, so I wasn’t sure where to start reading again.  I decided to start over from the beginning.  I opened up to the first page of the first book of the Bible.  I began to read about Adam, the first man on earth, and how God had set him in the Garden of Eden to work the land and take care of the animals.  But in the midst of this beautiful setting, surrounded by all kinds of great things, God saw that Adam was still alone: 

“The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'” (Genesis 2:18).

So God put Adam to sleep, took a rib from his side and created Eve, the first woman on earth.  Then God brought her to Adam.

Even though I had heard this story since I was a kid, this was the first time I had seen it from God’s perspective.  As I read the story, my heart fell, as I’m sure God’s must have fallen, when God saw how lonely Adam was.  Then my heart rose again, as God’s must have risen, when God created Eve and brought her to Adam.  I’ll bet the smile on Adam’s face was about a mile wide!

As I pictured this scene in my mind, I suddenly had an intense awareness that God was looking down at me in the same way!  There I was, surrounded by all kinds of great things, yet I was still alone.  In that moment, God spoke to my heart in a way that went beyond words.  He showed me that He had created a woman for me, too, and had brought her to me–right there in the next room!  After months of praying, I finally knew that God really did want to fulfill the desires of my heart.  He really did want me to marry Lana.

I ran down the hall to tell Lana what God had just told me.  I didn’t stop to look in the mirror as I ran, but if I did, I’ll bet the smile on my face was about a mile wide!  We talked, we cried, I asked her to marry me and she said, “Yes!”

When we were married a few months later, I discovered that God had fulfilled my desire for intimacy in a way that went beyond all I could ask or imagine.  Sexual intimacy with my wife has become the most consistently exhilarating, off-the-charts experience of my life!

Throughout this book, I want to tell you not only how God has fulfilled the desires of my heart, but how God longs to fulfill the desires of your heart, too–because in doing so, God also fulfills the desires of His heart. 

God’s Twin Purposes for Sex

When you put these two scenes together from the life of Adam and Eve, you get a rich snapshot of God’s twin purposes for creating sex:

• God wants us to be intimate.
• God wants us to be fruitful.

Through sex, God has made a way for us to do both, simultaneously.

If you want to have the best possible sex life, you’ll want to keep this snapshot at the forefront of your mind.  At first glance, it may seem obvious that God created sex so that husbands and wives could be intimate and fruitful.  But many people, myself included, have engaged in sex in ways that aren’t obvious at all.  Ways that don’t lead to intimacy with anyone, let alone the husband or wife God has in mind for them.  Ways that would never produce life.  Ways that could even lead to death–whether it’s their own, someone else’s, or the death of a child who has been unexpectedly conceived.

My hope with this book is to make the obvious…well, obvious again!  I know how other things can cloud our minds to God’s Truth, but I also know how God’s Truth, when we honestly seek it, can break through and clear away the clouds.

I know that it wasn’t until I discovered what God says about sex that I began to get a picture in my mind of the kind of sex life God had in store for me all along–one that He was still holding out for me if I was willing to take hold of it.  One that He’s still holding out for you, if you’re willing to take hold of it, too.

God’s Desires for You

How does God’s picture of an off-the-charts sex life line up with yours?  How do God’s hopes and dreams for your life line up with your hopes and dreams?  Perhaps you even wonder if God has any hopes and dreams for your life?  My prayer is that the truths that I’ve learned from God’s Word will help you to see that God does have hopes and dreams for your life, just as they’ve helped me, and many others, to see that God has hopes and dreams for our lives.

I’m excited for what God wants to share with you.  In all the years that I’ve been applying these truths from God’s Word to my sexual life, I’ve found that there is still no experience on earth that comes anywhere close to my sexual relationship with my wife.

The fact that you’re reading this book at all makes me think that you want to experience this kind of abundant life, too–a life where your dreams and desires line up completely with God’s.  I believe you really want to do the “right thing,” but I also know how hard it can be to know what the “right thing” is until someone speaks the truth with clarity.

Would you believe me if I told you that God wants to fulfill the desires of your heart even more than you want them fulfilled?  That God really does have desires for your life that you may have only caught a glimpse of so far?  In spite of sounding like a sensational headline on a check-out line magazine, it’s true that God really does want you to have an awesome sex life!  He really is for you, not against you, in your passionate pursuit of fulfilling the desires of your heart.

I’d like you to take a look at the review questions below.  When you’re done, we’ll take a look at one of the best pieces of wisdom that God has ever given me regarding sex.

Review Questions

1. What were God’s first words to the first couple on earth? (Genesis 1:28)

2. Why did God create Eve and bring her to Adam? (Genesis 2:18)

3. What are the twin purposes for which God created sex, as revealed in these two scenes?

4. Why would God want the world to be filled with people? (John 3:16)

CHAPTER 2: STAYING PURE

“The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25).

In the very next sentence of Adam and Eve’s story, God gives us one of the best pieces of wisdom for how to enjoy the best possible sex life:

“The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25).

This is God’s desire for every couple:  that on their wedding day–when the ceremony is over and the guests have gone home–the bride and groom can take off their wedding clothes, with nothing to hide and with no sense of shame, and can finally become one flesh.  Once they’re married, God wants them to be able to continue to come together like this, naked and unashamed, over and over and over again.

While this may seem easy enough in concept, once our hormones kick in, triggering our God-given sexual desires, it can be a long and difficult wait until our wedding day.  The wait is worth it, though, and God makes it clear that He not only wants us to wait, but He will help us to wait.

God’s Protective Seal

In the days when Moses led the people of Israel out of Egypt, the Israelites had a marriage custom that proved whether or not a woman was a virgin–someone who has never had sex–on her wedding day.

When any woman has sex for the first time, the man’s penis presses through a thin membrane of tissue, called the hymen, that partially covers the opening to her vagina.  When the penis passes through the hymen for the very first time, a small amount of blood is produced as the hymen stretches open.  This stretching occurs only once in a woman’s lifetime, then the hymen remains fully open forever.  The hymen acts like a protective seal on a medicine bottle:  once the seal is broken, you know the bottle has already been opened.

In Moses’ day, the newly married couple would save this first release of blood from the broken hymen on a piece of cloth.  The cloth served as proof that the girl was indeed a virgin on her wedding day.  If a man were to have sex with his new wife and find that there was no such sign of this proof, he had the right to bring her back to her father’s house for swift and serious judgment.  The law regarding this, as recorded in the Bible, says:

“If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house. You must purge the evil from among you” (Deuteronomy 22:20-21).

A man, too, was expected to be a virgin on his wedding day.  While a man’s body has nothing comparable to the hymen that could break during sexual intercourse to prove his virginity, the Bible is just as clear that a man is not to have sex with anyone before marriage either, as described in detail in the rest of Deuteronomy 22.

(Please note that some women today do not bleed the first time they make love, especially those who have been active in sports or who have used tampons.  Such activities can stretch the hymen prior to making love.)

While we no longer put people to death for breaking these laws, it’s not because the laws are no longer valid, and not because the laws are no longer valuable.  Thankfully, it’s because when Jesus came to earth, He paid the price for our sins, including our sexual sins, so that whoever puts their faith in Him does not have to pay the penalty for their sins themselves, and is even able to live forever with Him.  To finish the quote I began earlier about how much God loves people, the Bible says:

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

Jesus made it clear that while the law is still valid and valuable, He was willing to pay the penalty for our sins Himself, even the death penalty, because He loved us so much.

In a story that illustrates this, some people brought to Jesus a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery, which means she was having sex with someone else’s husband.  They asked Jesus if she should be punished and stoned to death according to the law or if she should be set free.  The Bible says that the people were doing this to try to trap Jesus.  His response revealed both His own brilliance and the wickedness of their hearts:

“If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7b).

Amazingly, they all dropped their stones and left.  They knew, as Jesus knew, that everyone has sinned at some point in their lives.  Jesus also knew something that they didn’t know:  He knew that He Himself was about to pay the penalty for her sin, not to mention their sins, and yours and mine.  The law was still valid and would soon be fulfilled by his death.  But by taking her place and extending forgiveness, Jesus also extended her life, allowing her to fulfill the rest of the purposes for which God had created her in the first place.  After all the other people had left the scene, Jesus asked the woman to turn away from the sins that almost got her killed:

“Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin” (John 8:10b-11).

God’s expectations for, and the great value of, being sexually pure on our wedding day remains the same for us today as it was for the people in Moses’ day.  In order to have the best possible sex life within marriage, the first step is to stay pure before marriage.  How can we do that?  God tells us that, too.

A Pivotal Conversation

A few months before I married Lana, I had a brief, but pivotal conversation with a man who regularly counseled people regarding their sexual relationships. So I called him to ask about ways to safeguard my upcoming marriage so that it could be all that God wanted it to be.

Within the first few minutes of our conversation, I could tell that his words were going to be like nuggets of gold for my marriage. The first nugget appeared when he asked me about my current physical relationship with Lana. Did we kiss, hold hands and romantically touch each other in other ways? I told him we did. He then challenged me by asking me if she were someone else’s wife, would I touch her in these ways? No, of course not! Then why, he asked, would I touch her in these ways before we got married? Because the truth was that until the day that we actually did get married, it was still possible that either of us could become someone else’s husband or wife. Although I felt no hesitation about our commitment to our upcoming marriage, I knew that anything was possible and that this man was telling me the truth.

A friend of ours told us recently about a sad situation involving her brother. He was engaged to be married to the girl of his dreams, but one month before the wedding, he succumbed to his temptations and had sex—not with the girl of his dreams, but with her sister, who had been unsuccessfully pursuing him for some time. Afterwards, he felt terrible about what he had just done, but his fiancé forgave him and they continued to plan for their wedding. Sadly, just days before the wedding, the sister discovered that she was pregnant with this man’s baby. Torn between what he should do now, he married the girl’s sister so that the child could have a father. Even more sadly, the sister then had a miscarriage shortly after the wedding, leaving the man in a marriage he hadn’t planned on, leaving their unexpected child dead from the miscarriage, and leaving the girl of his dreams all alone. What a heartbreaking story, one that could have been avoided, even for two people who were “absolutely, positively” going to be married within a month. The truth is that we simply don’t know what might happen prior to marriage.

Another woman wrote me to tell me that she and her boyfriend were living together, and although they weren’t engaging in full sexual intercourse, they were, in her words, “simulating” sex. They hoped to get married sometime in the future, but not right now. She said she had heard that some Christians felt it was wrong to have this kind of sexual contact before marriage, but that she would need lots of explanation if this was wrong, because she craved the affection of her boyfriend and because she felt it was so natural to touch someone she loved.

Since I had just been shopping that day for a small rug for the entrance to our house, I used my shopping experience as an illustration to help her see the issue from God’s perspective. Whenever I’d pull a rug off the shelf to see how it looked on the floor in the store, my two youngest sons would immediately start to walk on it. I kept having to tell them not to step on any of the rugs because they weren’t ours yet. I didn’t think someone else would want to buy a rug that had been walked on and soiled from other people’s shoes. I know I wouldn’t!

I told her that if that’s how we’re to treat a rug that’s not yet ours, even though it is designed for being walked on, how should we treat someone else’s precious and delicate body? If it’s not ours, we shouldn’t act as if it is, even if we’re hoping it will become ours at some point. We wouldn’t treat a rug as if it’s ours until we went to the counter and paid for it properly, and we shouldn’t treat another person as if they’re ours until we walk down the aisle and commit our lives to each other “until death do us part.” It is then—and only then—that we become husband and wife and belong to each other, as the Bible describes in the book of First Corinthians:

“The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:4).

Waiting to Awaken Love

This sense of belonging to each other only comes within marriage between husbands and wives.

If this is the case, then where do we draw the line in our physical relationship with someone before marriage?  The safest place to draw it is in the same place that we would draw it with someone else’s husband or wife.  Would I romantically kiss someone else’s wife?  Would I let my hand linger on her knee?  Would I touch her breasts or her bottom, whether she were clothed or naked?  Would I sexually stimulate her in any way, or let her do the same to me, whether it involved full sexual intercourse or just a “simulation” of the real thing?  Absolutely not!  And furthermore, would I want someone else to touch my future wife in these ways before I married her?

In one of the most romantic books in the Bible, the Song of Songs, one of the lovers in the book cautions repeatedly:

“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the swift gazelles and the deer of the wild, not to awaken love until the time is right” (Song of Songs 2:7b, and again in 3:5b and 8:4b, NLT).

God doesn’t want us to even awaken romantic love until the time is right.  Once love is aroused in a relationship, it is very difficult to back up again without tearing apart our hearts in the process.

I talked to another woman who was living with a man to whom she wasn’t married.  She told me that this man really treated her poorly, but that she had already gotten involved with him and didn’t know how to get out of it.  She asked me what to do.  I told her, “Stop the relationship right now.  Ask him to leave your house.  Don’t give your heart to someone who’s not willing to commit to taking care of it for the rest of your life!”  Her eyes were opened to what she was doing.  Unfortunately, instead of stopping the relationship right then, it took her another month before she finally asked him to leave.  In another sad turn of events, after he had finally left, she found out that she had become pregnant with his baby during their final month together.  By the time she found out, the father was gone.

Please, don’t do anything that would awaken love until the time is right.

This isn’t to say that you can’t give people a friendly hug or a “holy kiss” of greeting.  But there’s a big difference between a friendly hug or a holy kiss and a romantic, sexually arousing hug or kiss.  Any activity that is sexually stimulating or arousing with anyone other than your husband or wife is unnecessary, unproductive and potentially damaging.  You might ask, “What harm can it do?”  That’s a great question.  Like the examples I’ve just given, it can do a lot of harm!  But even if there weren’t pregnancies or diseases to deal with, the damage that can be done to your heart is serious enough to warrant not “awakening love” with anyone but your husband or wife until “the time is right.”   One of the main regrets that people tell me they have about their sexual relationships prior to marriage is that they bring those memories into their marriage, memories that interfere with an otherwise beautiful relationship with their spouse, and which cannot be erased.

What harm can it do?  Plenty.  But there’s still a better question:  “What good can it do?”  If engaging in sexual activities doesn’t fulfill one of the twin purposes for which God created sex in the first place, to build intimacy or yield fruit with the husband or wife God has created for you, then it is more likely to be destructive to you or to others, whether now or down the road.

Not Even a Hint

There’s no need to step on a rug to see if it’s the one for you.  You can, and should, look at it, admire it, and even carefully examine it before you commit to buying it, but you don’t need to walk on it, soil it, or worse yet, muddy it up so much that no one else would even want it, which unfortunately happens in many sexual encounters.

Where, then, should we draw the line in our physical relationships?  The Bible says that we should not have even a hint of sexual immorality among us:

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people” (Ephesians 5:3).

My conversation with this man gave me new eyes regarding my relationship with Lana. Even though she and I were engaged to be married several months later and had already gone beyond the “hinting” stages in our physical relationship, I felt it was important that we pull back physically for those remaining months to the point where we physically treated one another as if we were someone else’s husband or wife—because as remote as the possibility seemed, until our wedding day, there was still a chance that either of us could become someone else’s husband or wife. It wasn’t easy to keep our distance, and we weren’t perfect at it, especially since we had already crossed those lines before. But I still saw the value in waiting to even kiss Lana again until that moment in the ceremony when the pastor finally said: “You may kiss the bride!”

And what an awesome moment that was when it finally came, to be able to kiss Lana, knowing that I would soon be able to fully embrace her, with all the rights and privileges that marriage gives to husbands and wives. By intentionally trying to refrain from even a hint of sexual immorality before marriage, it made the transition from singleness to marriage all the more sweet.

Review Questions

1. What did Adam and Eve not feel when they were first together, even though they were both naked? (Genesis 2:25)

2. In the days of Moses, what did the law say should be done if a man or woman had sex before marriage? (Deuteronomy 22:20-21, Deuteronomy 22:29)

3. Why do we no longer enact the punishments for these laws?  Because they are no longer valid or valuable?  Or because of some other reason? (John 8:1-11)

4. What does God not want us to have “even a hint of” in our lives? (Ephesians 5:3)

CHAPTER 3: DEALING WITH TEMPTATION

“But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13b).

Adam and Eve were lucky, weren’t they?  They didn’t have to think about staying pure before marriage.  God just plopped Eve onto Adam’s lap, they knew they were meant for each other, and God told them to be fruitful and multiply!

How lucky can you get?

But staying pure isn’t easy for any of us, even for Adam and Eve.

In the next sentence of their story, Satan came onto the scene and started asking questions:  “Did God really say…?” 

This is one of Satan’s most effective strategies for taking us down:  to get us to question what God said–even though what God said may have been perfectly clear at the time.  God had told Adam that he could eat from any tree in the garden except one, because if he ate from it, he would die.  Later, Satan simply asked them:

“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” (Genesis 3:1b).

Well, no, that’s not what God really said (see Genesis 3), but it was enough to catch Adam and Eve off guard.  They began to wonder if there might be a way around what God really did say in order to get what they wanted.  Although initially they fought it, eventually they fell for it.

So did I.

Guessing at God’s Intentions

Even though I grew up going to church, when I got to high school, I found myself torn between wanting to indulge my sexual desires and knowing that it wouldn’t be right to do so.  I began to give in, a little bit at a time.  By the time I graduated from college, I was well down the road of sexual indulgence.

Lana followed a similar path.  When she started dating, she wasn’t quite sure where God wanted her to draw the line physically with the guys she was dating.  As she would come to a new boundary line in her physical relationships, she would wonder if she should cross it or not.  Each time she came back to the conclusion that God wanted her to be happy–and what she was doing made her really happy!  So she guessed that what she was doing must be okay.

Lana and I both found out that once we were able to justify crossing one boundary, it was easier to cross the next.  While the fear of pregnancy kept us both from engaging in full sexual intercourse with anyone before marriage, we didn’t understand that the things we were doing were still setting us up for potential physical problems down the road–and guaranteed heartbreak–both of which could have been avoided.

Lana was right that God did want her to be happy!  But the way to be truly happy is to be truly holy–staying pure in the eyes of God as well as your own.  Like Adam and Eve found out, when we just guess at what God might say about how to be happy, instead of finding out what God really does say, we’ll soon find that what we thought would make us happy is very short-lived–and can actually cause more unhappiness than we could have imagined.

Two Questions

From our human point of view, some of the sexual activities in which people engage may not seem to be clear misuses of sex.  But when we swirl around and take a look at them from God’s viewpoint, the uses and misuses of sex become much more apparent.

We bought some dog treats one day to help train our new puppy.  We thought they’d encourage her to do some things that were good for both her and us.  We also had a toddler at the time who happened to find the treats!  She started feeding them to the puppy one after another after another.  Our puppy thought it was great!  She got to eat all the treats she wanted!  But how do you think it made us feel?  We wanted the puppy to get the treats at some point–we obviously bought them for her–but the way in which she was getting them undermined the purpose for which we bought them in the first place.

God must feel the same way when we engage in sex in ways that don’t fulfill His purposes for creating it.  He wants us to enjoy the treat of sex at some point–He obviously designed it to be enjoyable for us–but He doesn’t want us to engage in sex in ways which undermine the purposes for which He designed it in the first place.

The best way to stay pure before and within marriage is to swirl around and take a look at sex from God’s point of view.  You can usually see in a heartbeat if what you’re doing is just for the sake of the treat, or for God’s sake.

Here are two questions you can ask yourself to help decide if something you’re doing, or considering doing, is in line with God’s desires for you or not:

1.  Will this lead to greater intimacy with the husband or wife God has created for me?
2.  Will this lead to greater fruitfulness with the husband or wife God has created for me?

If any activity doesn’t lead you into greater intimacy or fruitfulness with your spouse, it’s more likely to destroy intimacy or fruitfulness.

A Way Out

I know how hard it can be to hold back from things that are sexually enticing.  But as I mentioned before, God not only wants us to stay pure, He will also help us to stay pure.

Jesus is not some guy who’s “out there” and who doesn’t have a clue about the struggles we face.  The Bible says this about Jesus, who is described here as our high priest:

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin” (Hebrews 4:15).

Jesus knows and understands what it’s like to be tempted.  But He also shows us that God always provides us a way out of temptation.

I used to love to play a computer game called Dark Castle.  The purpose was to try to escape from a castle in which you were trapped. Each room in the castle had a different challenge.  Sometimes you had to throw rocks at bats, jump across moving stones, or duck out of the way of flying objects.

In each room there was something special to help you through it:  a bag of rocks to throw, a special keystroke to help you jump higher, or a jet pack to help you fly.  I would look around each room until I found the way of escape.  When I found it, I would take it and move on to the next room.  Eventually, I made it to the end.  I defeated the enemy, escaped from the castle and was finally free.

God has promised that whenever we face a temptation, He has provided a way of escape.  We may not always see it right away, or even want to see it, but it’s always there.  The Bible says:

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

A friend of mine was traveling in another country when he was tempted to go into an area of a town that was known for all kinds of sexual activity.  He said he just wanted to see what it was like.  As he got onto the subway, he said a short prayer, asking God to provide a way out if God didn’t want him to do this.

When the train stopped at his destination, he stepped onto the platform and was soon surrounded by a group of people who asked him to come with them.  Although he had trouble understanding their language, he could tell they must be Christians and that they were inviting him to their church.  Remembering his prayer, he decided to go with them instead of going to where he had originally planned.  Amazingly, when he got to their church, they baptized him.  They gave him a cup of hot tea and another subway ticket to get back home–which he promptly used for that purpose!

Of course, it would have been easier if my friend had simply not gotten on the train when he first thought about heading into sin.  But the fact that God still answered his prayer and provided him yet another way out, is a demonstration of the lengths to which God will go to lead us out of temptation.

Jesus knew how real and significant our temptations would be.  He knew that it was so important that He included it in His model prayer that He taught to His disciples to pray, which we now call the Lord’s Prayer.  It says, in part:  “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one” (Matthew 6:13).

The Apostle Paul felt that resisting temptation was so important that he wrote to the people living in Corinth:  “Flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 6:18a).

Joseph felt that fleeing from temptation was so important that when temptation came to him, he ran the other way!  Take a look at what Joseph did when Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce him:  “She caught him by his cloak and said, ‘Come to bed with me!’ But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.” (Genesis 39:12).  Joseph got thrown into jail for running away, but jail was nothing compared to the price he would have paid if he had stayed!  In the end, God honored Joseph’s obedience and made him second in command over all of Egypt.

When we’re tempted, God always provides a way of escape–even if it’s just to turn and run–and He wants us to take it every time.

Learning Self-Control

One of the best ways to deal with temptation is to remove ourselves from its path as much as possible.  Although we can’t eliminate all temptations, we have more control over them than we might think.

I found this out for myself when I put into practice something else that I learned from my conversation with this same man who was encouraging me in my purity. After talking about the way I treated others physically, the conversation turned to the way I treated myself physically. He asked me whether or not I still masturbated, which is a way of touching yourself that stimulates your sexual organs to an orgasm without having sexual intercourse with someone. I said that I did. Even though I had wondered what God thought of masturbation, I was never able to find enough evidence against it in the Bible to convince me to stop.

He told me that the reason he asked about masturbation wasn’t so much about the issue of masturbation itself, but about the issue of self-control—because self-control is specifically mentioned in the Bible:

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).

He went on to say that he had found that masturbation was not only an issue for those who were single, but also for those who were married. If people regularly masturbated before they got married, they would usually continue to masturbate after they got married. The struggle over masturbation is not a struggle over sexual release, but a struggle over self-control.

When he had interviewed several wives to ask what they would think if they knew their husbands were still masturbating after they got married, not one of the women responded with a positive view of it. The responses ranged from wondering what they, as wives, might be doing wrong sexually, to wondering what else their husbands might be doing if they weren’t able to control themselves in this way.

Then he said something that inspired me: he told me that he—and many other people that he knew—had made a commitment to give up masturbation completely. Each of them could testify to the tremendous difference it had made in their lives. He had thrown down a gauntlet, a challenge that I had to decide whether or not I was going to pick up and apply to my own life.

I decided it was worth a try. So I made the commitment to myself and to Lana that I was going to try to give up masturbation completely, even before we got married. And as a way to hold myself accountable to that commitment, I told her that if I ever did give in to masturbation, I would confess it to her before the end of that same day.

I wish I could say I have been perfect in my resolve on this issue, too, but I can’t! But I can say that I have kept my commitment to telling Lana before the day was out whenever I have given in. After just a few times of having to make that embarrassing confession, my resolve was set for good. This doesn’t mean that the temptation has gone away or that I wouldn’t like to give in to those temptations, but it does mean that my desire for self-control has overtaken my desire for giving in.

Drawing a Line in the Heart

That one decision has kept me pure in more ways than one over the years.

When I happened to run into this man again, sixteen years later, I showed him a picture of my family, which was still just a glimmer in my eye at the time when we had first talked. I thanked him for the nuggets of truth he had shared with me and told him about how my decision to stop masturbating had kept me pure in other ways, too.

Gaining control over masturbation has kept me from other sexual activities that are more serious and are clearly condemned in Scripture, such as:

• Adultery, which involves sex with someone who isn’t your husband or wife, and is listed as one of the top Ten Commandments:  “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14).
• Prostitution, which involves paying someone to have sex with you:  “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh'” (1 Corinthians 6:15-16).
• and Pornography, which involves looking at things like books, magazines, pictures, tapes, or movies that are designed to arouse you sexually.  Jesus said:  “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-29).

A question people often ask is, “How far can I go?” meaning, “How far can I go with someone physically before God considers it a sin?”  It’s a common question, but I think it’s the wrong question.  Jesus, in his quote about adultery, reveals that the sin doesn’t occur just when we cross a physical boundary, but when we cross a boundary in our heart.  The best place to draw the line is not in the flesh, but in the heart, because once a line has been crossed in the heart, it’s that much easier to cross it in the flesh.  The Bible explains how these wrongful desires of our heart can lead us into wrongful actions, which can lead to destruction:

“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:13-15).

Tim Wilkins, Executive Director of Cross Ministry, which also helps people overcome their sexual struggles, tells this helpful story for dealing with temptation:

An affluent, aristocratic woman reviews resumés from potential chauffeurs to drive her Rolls Royce.  She narrows the applicants to three men and invites them to her palatial home.

She escorts each one individually to her driveway and the brick wall beside it.

She asks, “If you were driving my Rolls, how close do you think you could come to that brick wall without scratching my car?”

The first applicant says, “I can drive within a foot of that wall and not damage your Rolls.”

She brings out the second applicant and asks, “If you were driving my Rolls, how close do you think you could come to that brick wall without scratching my car?”

He scratches his head and says, “I can drive within six inches of that wall and not damage your car.”

She invites the third applicant and asks, “If you were driving my Rolls, how close do you think you could come to that brick wall without scratching my car?”

He does not hesitate, “Ma’am, I do not know how close I could come to the wall without damaging your car, but if I was driving your car, I would stay as far away as possible from the wall so as not to damage your car.”

Guess who got the job?

Tim adds, “When addressing sexual temptation, the point is not how close one can get to the temptation without getting ‘scratched,’ but staying as far away as possible.  ‘Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house…’ (Proverbs 5:8).“

For me, by drawing a line in the sand way back at masturbation, I have been able to keep from being drawn into activities that are further down the road and that could be much more destructive to God’s desires–and my desires–for my life and my marriage.  It has helped me to keep my thoughts in check, knowing that there’s no need to linger on a tempting thought for more than a moment because I know I won’t be following through on that thought, even if it were “only” through masturbation.

The man who was encouraging me in my purity said that he continues to recommend that people give up masturbation, especially if they struggle with other sexual temptations, for two reasons: 1) because it builds a person’s confidence in their ability to gain control over their own body, and 2) because even if they do occasionally fail in this struggle, the results are not as devastating as if they fall into more serious temptations.

This one nugget of truth, related to controlling our bodies and based on the Word of God, has saved me, my wife and my family from a lifetime of grief.  No wonder I love the Bible so much!

The Bible takes the guesswork out of wondering what God says about sex.  In the next chapter, I’ll share the first thing I read in the Bible as an adult regarding sex, something which turned out to be one of the most significant turning points of my life.

Review Questions

1. What is one of Satan’s most effective strategies to get us to sin? (Genesis 3:1)

2. What two questions can you ask yourself to help determine if a sexually stimulating activity is in line with God’s purposes or not?

3. When you are tempted to sin, what does God say He will always do for you? (1 Corinthians 10:13)

4. What does God want us to learn to control? (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)

CHAPTER 4: BECOMING PURE AGAIN

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8-9).

Your purity matters so much to God that He’s made a way for you to become pure again–even if you mess up.  And at some point in our lives, we all mess up!

God isn’t surprised when we sin.  None of us has a perfect moral scorecard, from Adam and Eve all the way down to you and me.  When we do sin, most of us feel what Adam and Eve felt:

“At that moment, their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they strung fig leaves together around their hips to cover themselves.

“Toward evening they heard the LORD God walking about in the garden, so they hid themselves among the trees. The LORD God called to Adam, ‘Where are you?’

“He replied, ‘I heard You, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked'” (Genesis 3:7-10, NLT).

When we sin, we feel naked and ashamed, trying to cover our nakedness and then running away from God.  But that’s the time we most need to run back to God.   He wants to restore us to purity again.  God loved Adam and Eve too much to leave them alone.  He went looking for them, just as He goes looking for us because of His great love for us.

“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

If you find yourself feeling naked and ashamed of your sin, you don’t have to run away.  Just turn around.  You’ll find that God has been running after you and is eager to take you back and make you pure again.

The same Bible that shows us how to have the best possible sex life is the same Bible that shows us how to be forgiven when we fall short of God’s best.

Falling into Sin

I didn’t realize how far I had strayed from what God says about sex until the year after I got out of college and began to read the Bible for myself.  The more I read, the more I realized that the things I had done sexually were wrong in God’s eyes–and could even destroy my life if I continued to do them.  I began to see that the bad choices that I had made, and the sins that I had committed, might actually cause my own death.  I was especially struck by a verse in the Bible that clarified for me that if I did die, I would simply be reaping the consequences of my own sinfulness, the wages–or what I had earned for my sin:

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23).

When I saw that these words applied specifically to my life, I decided to take a long walk with God along a bayou that ran through downtown Houston.

As I walked, I wondered if some of the things I had done sexually might have already done irreparable damage to my body through sexual diseases I might have contracted.  I had never given it much thought before, but after reading what the Bible said about the natural consequences of sin, I knew that it was quite possible that I would eventually reap what I had sown.

At the same time, I was starting to see that God really did have a plan for the world, and more specifically, for my life, too.  I realized that my sins would not only bring me down, but would also bring down the plans God had for my life.  I could see that God had a better path in mind for me than the one I was on, and I wanted more than anything to find out how to get onto it.

But how? How could I undo what I had already done?  How could I change my wrongful thoughts, feelings and desires?  How could I change the habits that I had fallen into that were still threatening to destroy me?

As if in answer to my questions, I ran across another story in the Bible–the story of two blind men who came to Jesus to be healed.  I was carrying my Bible with me as I walked along the bayou, reading from the book of Matthew.  I was intrigued by Jesus’ words in response to the pleas of the blind men.  They called out to Jesus, “Have mercy on us, Son of David!” (Matthew 9:27b).  In other places in the Bible, Jesus healed people by bending down to make a paste of mud to put on their eyes, or by telling them to dip in a certain pool of water.  But not with these two.  Jesus asked them a question:

“Do you believe that I am able to do this?” (Matthew 9:28b).

Based on their answer, Jesus would or would not heal them.

I wanted Jesus to heal me of my wrongful sexual desires and actions, just like the blind men asked Him to heal their eyes.  I felt like He was asking me the same question:  “Eric, do you believe that I am able to do this, too?”  I thought about everything I had ever learned about Jesus:  how He healed the sick, walked on water and raised the dead.  I knew that if anyone could do it, Jesus could.

I stopped along the path and put my hand up into the air.  Just like the blind men, I answered, “Yes, Lord.”  And just like the blind men, Jesus healed me:

“Then He touched their eyes and said, ‘According to your faith will it be done to you,’ and their sight was restored” (Matthew 9:29-30a).

I knew in that moment that I had been healed.  It was as distinct as if I had been blind and now could see.  The next day I put my faith in Christ for everything in my life, asking Him to forgive me of my sins, and receiving from Him the gift of eternal life.  Doing this turned out to be the turning point for the rest of my life.

David’s Turning Point

If you’ve ever sinned, you’re in good company–or at least a lot of company.  We all share this common trait.

The Bible says, “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23), and “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way…” (Isaiah 53:6a).

Sin–of any kind–does more to short-circuit the abundant life God has for us than perhaps anything else.  Sexual sin seems to be especially devastating.  Why?  The Bible says,

“Flee sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his own body, but he who sins sexually, sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

But God has given us a way to overcome a short-circuit to bring us back to full power again:  through confession.

To confess means “to agree with,” to recognize that what we’ve done is wrong with a desire to make it right again.  Confession is what David expressed to God when his sin with Bathsheba finally caught up to him.

You might remember that David was one of the greatest kings of all time, but that he fell into sexual sin with Bathsheba, a woman who was married to another man.  When David looked out from his palace and saw her bathing naked on her roof, he wanted her.  He asked her to come to him and fell to one of the lowest points of his life.  He might have remained at that point until the day he died except that God, through one of David’s counselors, confronted David about his sin.  When David realized what he had done, he poured out his heart in confession to God.

David’s words are recorded in Psalm 51:

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love; according to Your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. … Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. … Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:1-3, 7, 10).

David and Bathsheba, and those around them, paid a price for their sin.  Bathsheba’s husband died when David had him killed in the cover-up attempt.  Then the son born to David and Bathsheba died soon after his birth.  To top it all off, their sin was recorded in the Bible for all time for all of us to see.

But all was not lost.  Because David confessed his sin and turned back to God, God did for David what he asked:  God cleansed him, washed him, and made him whiter than snow.  God gave him a pure heart again and renewed his spirit.  David married Bathsheba and they conceived another son.  That son, Solomon, went on to become one of the richest and wisest kings in all of history.  The turning point in David’s life hinged on David’s confession to God and his cry to make things right again.

It’s the same turning point that can determine the outcome of our future, too.

The Power of Confession

I met with a couple one night to pray that they would be able to have a child.  They had wanted one for years but were unable to conceive.  The doctor had finally declared the wife infertile, meaning she would never be able to have children.

Before I prayed with them, I asked them to tell me a little more about what they were going through and what they wanted God to do for them.  It turned out that there was more to their story than infertility.  Soon after they were married, they discovered they had a sexually transmitted disease, or STD.  STD’s are usually only passed from person to person by sexual contact.  This particular STD was terribly painful–each time they made love, it would flare up again and cause one or the other of them pain in their sexual organs.

They didn’t know how they had gotten the STD, or who had brought it into the relationship, because each of them had been sexually active with others before they were married.  But the result was that it lead them both to an underlying hurt and resentment that hadn’t gone away.

Before praying for their fertility, I led them in a time of prayer and confession to each other of their past actions and their present hurts that were brought on by their sin.  The healing that God performed in their hearts was immediately visible on their faces, as they beamed with forgiveness and a new appreciation of each other.  By the time we got to praying for their fertility, there was little left to do but to simply ask God to heal their bodies as well.

Over the next few months, the husband called me several times to tell me what a huge difference those prayers had made in their marriage, including their sex life.  Just over a year later, this “infertile” couple gave birth to a child–the fruit of their renewed intimacy.  Although they still carried within their bodies the disease from their former sin, God found a way to bypass that condition and continue on with His plan for their lives–and for the life of their child.

Our prayers of confession are powerful.  They have a real and practical effect.  But they’re not a “magic formula” that help us get whatever we want.  In fact, the couple I mentioned above wanted more children after the birth of their first, but they’ve not been able to conceive again.  There are many factors that can contribute to how our prayers may or may not be answered, which is why continual prayers for wisdom and continual trust in God is important regardless of the outcome.  But confession can be one of the things that can bring us the healing we need to move on with God’s plans for our lives.  The Bible says,

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

I’ve seen this same pattern repeat over and over as I’ve talked with other people who have been at an impasse in their sexual lives.  They often see a breakthrough when they finally confess their sins, first to God, and then to their spouse.

A man who had struggled with pornography and illicit chat rooms for years confessed his sin to me.  We prayed through it together, seeking God’s forgiveness for what he had done.  I then encouraged him to confess it to his wife, as his sin had affected their sexual relationship, too.  Although the husband was fearful to confess it to her, he did.  When she forgave him, he was finally free, not only from the pornography that had gripped him, but free to to love his wife intimately again.

Another man confessed to me that he had struggled with true intimacy with his wife for years.  He told me some of the personal struggles in his life that he had never shared with his wife for fear that she would leave him.  I encouraged him that in order to break through to the true intimacy he wanted with his wife, he needed to confess those things to her.  With much fear and trepidation, he did.  His wife was shocked, went for a walk, and prayed.  When she came back, she told him:  “I still love you.”  He later told me, “Eric, she’s told me thousands of times that she loved me, but this was the first time that I’ve ever really believed her.”

God is in the life-changing business.  He’s been turning people’s lives around from sexual sin for thousands of years.  Read what the Apostle Paul wrote in a letter to the Christians in the church of Corinth about 2,000 years ago:

“Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God?  Do not be deceived:  Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.  And that is what some of you were.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

There’s a little word in there that says a lot:  it’s the little verb were.  “And that is what some of you were.”  They struggled with all kinds of sins, but they didn’t stay that way.  They were changed, transformed, and made new again, just like I was.  Although there are consequences for our sin, some of which can last a lifetime, none are so serious that they can’t be washed, sanctified and justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

God-Given Purity

Confession is more than just good for the soul.  It’s good for finally living the life for which God created you to live.

If you’re wrestling with unconfessed sin in your life, I want to encourage you to prayerfully consider when, where and to whom to confess it.  While it may seem terrifying to admit your sins to God and to the ones you love, the truth is that God already knows about them–and the ones you love are probably already feeling the effects of them.  Finally confessing them will help to identify the source so that things can begin to change.

None of us are without sin, but none of us are beyond God’s forgiveness either.  Whenever we confess our sins to Him, He promises to forgive us and make us pure again.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8-9).

If you ever find yourself in need of a prayer of confession and don’t know what to say, here are a few words to help you get started.  One heartfelt prayer can be the turning point of your life, too.

Father, I’m sorry for the sins I’ve committed against You and against others.  I know I can’t make up for these sins, but I know that Jesus has already paid the price for them when He died on the cross.  I am putting my full faith and trust in Jesus right now and I ask Him to be the Lord of my life.  Fill me with Your Holy Spirit so that I can be washed, cleansed, purified, and made righteous again in Your sight.  I pray this all in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Review Questions

1. What did God do to demonstrate His love for us, even while we were still sinning? (Romans 5:8)

2. What question did Jesus ask the blind men when they wanted to be healed? (Matthew 9:28)

3. What is one thing James says we can do so that we may be healed? (James 5:16)

4. What does God promise to do if we confess our sins to Him? (1 John 1:8-9)

CHAPTER 5: KNOWING YOUR SPOUSE

“Now Adam knew Eve and she conceived and bore Cain” (Genesis 4:1, NKJV).

You may have heard about the group of scientists who got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.

They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.  The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You.  We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost.”

God listened patiently to the man and when the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well!  How about this?  Let’s have a man-making contest.”

To which the man replied, “Okay, great!”

But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem,” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no.  You go and get your own dirt!”

We may think that our new reproductive technologies are remarkable, like in vitro fertilization, where a man’s sperm and a woman’s eggs are extracted from their bodies and then coaxed together in a test tube.  Or cloning, where scientists take a few cells from one body and try to fuse them together with an egg from another body, and then try to spark life into them by using an electric shock in a sterile lab.  These technologies are remarkable, but compared to the way God designed sex to create a new life in the first place, there’s no doubt in my mind which process is more remarkable–and more fun!

Given the choice, I think most people would rather create a new life the old-fashioned way:  by making love, not just making babies.  The reason for this goes deeper than just the fact that lovemaking can be tremendously fun.

Yada!

The reason is that God wants us to know our husband or wife, deeply and intimately, and making love with them is one of the deepest ways we can know them.  In fact, one of the Hebrew words that is often used in the Bible to describe making love is yada, which literally means “to know.”

For instance, the Bible says:

“Now Adam knew Eve and she conceived and bore Cain” (Genesis 4:1; see also Genesis 4:17, 1 Samuel 1:19, NKJV).

To know someone, in the biblical sense, means to have sexual intercourse with them.  An easy way to remember what the word intimacy means is to think of the phrase “into-me-see.”  When we’re intimate with our husband or wife, we’re allowing them to see into us and they’re allowing us to see into them.

Why does God want you to know your spouse so intimately?  Because God wants you to use your hands, your eyes, your words, your ears, your heart–your whole being–to express His love to them, as well as your own.

As much as God wants to fulfill the desires of your heart, He also wants to fulfill the desires of your spouse’s heart–through you!  In order to do that effectively, it’s  vitally important that you know your spouse, deeply and intimately, so that you can touch them in the way God wants them to be touched.

Why Don’t You Marry Her?

The first time this struck me, that God wanted to work through me to fulfill the desires of Lana’s heart, started before I even thought about marrying her.

Lana was still living in Michigan and I was living in Texas.  Even though we had dated in college, we had broken up two years earlier, but we still talked on the phone from time to time.  One night, Lana told me that she was wondering if God wanted her to stay at her current job or not.  I told her that I was planning a special time of prayer and fasting that week, so I’d pray about her job decision, too.

By day two of my fast, I was feeling spiritually stronger, but a little lightheaded.  I was sitting by a pool in the warm Texas sun, having taken the day off work to pray.  When I began praying for Lana, I didn’t picture her wearing a suit and tie, working for a large corporation for the rest of her life–I pictured her at home, married and raising a family.

That’s it, Lord!  She doesn’t need a different job.  What she needs is a husband who will take care of her so that she can stay home.  I began to pray that God would bring her a husband.

Then these words floated through my mind as clear as the water in front of me:  “Why don’t you marry her?”  

What?!?  That’s not what I was praying about at all!   Maybe the fast was affecting me more than I thought!

But two weeks later, even after my fast was over, the question was still at the forefront of my mind:  “Why don’t you marry her?”

I began to ask myself the same thing:  “Why don’t I marry her?”  It wasn’t that I didn’t like her.  In fact, when we dated in college, I was totally in love with her.  But the reason we broke up two years earlier was because God had already been working on my heart and I felt He was the one prompting me to break up with her.  At the time, I didn’t even know why God would want us to break up.  But in the months following our breakup, both of us decided to put our faith in Christ.  We then began to learn what God says about sex and realized that what we had been doing was wrong.

Now, two years later, and having both given our lives to Christ, maybe God really did want us to get back together!  I had to find out, one way or the other, so I decided to set aside the next three months to pray and see if this question was really from God or not.  Lana and I still talked from time to time, but I didn’t tell her about my prayers, both for her sake and for my own.  I just wanted to hear clearly from God without the pressure of a relationship.

Over those next few months, God put a love in my heart for Lana that surpassed anything I had ever felt before.  I was able to listen to her from a distance and see how she felt on issues that were important to me, her relationship with Christ, and her dreams and desires.  I tried to look at her the way God looks at her to see if I could really meet her needs the way God wanted them to be met.

By the end of the three months of praying, I was about ready to burst!  I was so in love with her that I told God I’d be really mad at Him if He didn’t let me marry her!

Knowing Your Spouse Before Marriage

God cares deeply about who we marry.  I don’t know whether or not God has prearranged, from the beginning of time, who He wants us to marry.  But I do know that He has a definite stake in the decision.

There are certain things that God wants us to know about our spouse even before we marry them.  In several places in the Bible, God gives us clear guidelines, as well as specific guidance, about the person He wants us to marry.

I remember when our first two kids were younger, they wondered if they could marry each other when they grew up.  I’m glad they liked each other so much at the time to even think of it, but we said, “No, God will give you someone else to marry.”

How did we know this and they didn’t?  Because we knew it was against the law and they didn’t, and also because we had read it in the Bible and they hadn’t.  Some of the things we take for granted are obvious to us only because we, or someone before us, has discovered them in God’s Word.  Here are a few of the general guidelines that God gives in the Bible for who He wants us to marry–and not marry.

God wants believers in Christ to marry other believers:  “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers, for what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?” (2 Corinthians 6:14a).

God doesn’t want us to marry someone who would turn our hearts away from Him:  “You must not intermarry with them [those who serve other gods], because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods” (1 Kings 11:2b).

God tells us who is off-limits for sexual relations, and therefore off limits for marriage:

• We’re not to have sexual relations with any close relative: “No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD” (Leviticus 18:6).  In the same chapter, God then goes on to define close relatives as our parents, children, brothers and sisters, grandparents, grandchildren, aunts and uncles, and nieces and nephews;
• We’re not to have sexual relations with anyone who is already married, which would be adultery; “Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor’s wife and defile yourself with her” (Leviticus 18:20);
• Nor with animals, which is called bestiality: “Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it” (Leviticus 18:23a);
• Nor with people who are the same sex as us, which is called homosexuality among men and lesbianism among women: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable” (Leviticus 18:22) and “Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion” (Romans 1:26-27).

Those in the Bible who ask for God’s input about who to marry are invariably blessed, such as Isaac and Rebekah (see Genesis 24) and Jacob and Rachel (see Genesis 29).  Those who don’t follow God’s advice invariably pay the price, such as Amnon and Tamar (see 2 Samuel 13:1-21) and Solomon and his foreign wives (see 1 Kings 11:1-4).

This is not to say that God can’t redeem and restore any marriage–because He can and He has!  I’ve seen Him do it several times!  But those who have gone into marriage without listening first to what God says will be the first ones to tell you that they wished they had followed God’s advice.

God cares who you marry because He cares about you, He cares about your spouse, and He cares about the children who may result from your marriage.

A Gift From God

During those three months that I prayed about marrying Lana, I was able to find out several things about her.  I could see that she was a believer and that she would encourage me in my walk with the Lord, not turn me away from Him.  I already knew she wasn’t a close relative, she wasn’t married, she wasn’t an animal, and she wasn’t a man.  So far so good!

When my three months of prayer came to an end, I decided to call Lana and tell her everything that was on my heart.  When we started talking, she told me she had finally decided to quit her job.  She knew it was the right thing to do, but she didn’t know what she was going to do next.  I told her I had an idea!

When I asked her to consider moving to Houston so we could pray together about possibly getting married, she was the one that went into shock!  What?!? she thought.  That’s not what I was praying about at all!  

Now she needed some time to pray about it.  During those next few months, there was nothing I could do but wait.  At one point during this time, when I honestly didn’t know what Lana might decide, I read this passage in the Bible:

“May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.  May the LORD grant all your requests” (Psalm 20:4-5).

Once again, the words of the Bible seemed to leap off the page.  I knew in that moment that Lana was the desire of my heart.  Although I knew it might sound like a childish prayer, I said, “Lord, You’ve already given me more than I deserve by forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life with You.  But if I could ask you for only one gift the rest of my life, it would be to marry Lana.”   I had no idea if God would grant me my request, and I was willing to trust Him whatever the outcome, but I also knew that I would “shout for joy,” as it said in Psalm 20, if He did let me marry her!

Less than a year later, as we were standing at the altar exchanging our wedding vows, I looked at Lana with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat and said, “Lana, ever since I read Psalm 20 that said, ‘May He give you the desire of your heart’ I’ve known that you are the desire of my heart. … You are a gift from God to me, and I plan to treat you as a gift.”

Making Love

A husband or wife really is a gift from God–and God wants us to treat them as gifts.  That includes the way we treat them sexually.  One of the problems with sex is that people often use it to get what they want, rather than to give what God wants.  Making love is more than just another term for sex, it also describes the way we should do it.

There are times when I’ll look at Lana and ask myself, If God were here right now, what would He do to bless her?  How would He want me to use my hands, my words, my eyes, my ears, and my heart to bless her in a special way?  Sometimes I’ll sense that God wants me to caress her forehead, stroke her hair, or give her gentle kisses on her lips and cheeks.  While it’s nearly impossible for me not to take pleasure in this, too, my honest motivation at times like these is not to satisfy my own desires, but to let God work through me to satisfy hers.  I usually find that by blessing her, God uses her to bless me back!

By knowing our spouse, deeply and intimately, we can better minister to their needs.  The Bible says that husbands and wives ought to care for each other’s bodies as if they were their own:

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church–for we are members of His body” (Ephesians 5:28-30).

Ironically, some people will joke with their spouse when they don’t want to have sex by saying, “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.”  But in reality, sex might be just what the doctor ordered.  I’ve been amazed that throughout our married life, whenever my wife really does have a headache, godly caressing and lovemaking has brought about the complete and total cure!  God has been able to work through me to bring about the healing she needs.

I’d like to give you a short list of suggestions for how to truly make love with your spouse, all of which revolve around knowing your spouse.

1. Treat one another with love and respect.  God wants to use our hands, our bodies and our words to express His love to our spouses, not in any way that is hurtful or disrespectful.  Does this delight my spouse?  Does it make them feel truly loved and respected?  Does it make them feel appreciated and genuinely cared for?  “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
2. Build each other up, not tear each other down.  Some types of touching may be exciting to us, but may cause physical or emotional harm to our spouse or to ourselves.  God has wired our bodies to sense pain so that we can tell when something needs extra care.  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
3. Make love regularly.  The Bible doesn’t give us a “norm” for how often a married couple should engage in sex, but it does say that we should not deprive each other of these times of intimacy, except when both spouses agree and only for a limited time.  Ask God what He wants you to do for your spouse, inviting His Holy Spirit into your lives to help you find what may even be creative ways to bless them.  “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
4. Take time to learn the differences between your own body and your spouse’s.  While most men can be aroused and have an orgasm within just a few minutes, it takes most women twenty minutes or more to have an orgasm.  While a man may be ready to engage in full sexual intercourse within the first few minutes, he would find his wife is much more receptive after taking twenty minutes or more to just talk and touch and caress her until she is ready, too. I shared this simple fact with a friend before his wedding and when he came back from his honeymoon, he said that knowing this fact had made all the difference in the way he approached sex with his new wife and their mutual experience of it.  If there’s one book about sex that I would recommend to you so that you can learn more about your spouse and godly lovemaking, it would be Dr. Ed and Gaye Wheats’ book, Intended For Pleasure.
5. Recognize the unique way God created humans to make love.  Did you know that human beings are the only creatures that can engage in sexual intercourse face-to-face?  This is one of many facts I learned from the Wheats’ book that has helped me to appreciate even more the way God created our bodies to relate sexually.  While many books about sex go into great detail about various sexual positions a couple might try, don’t think it’s a small thing to make love in one of the most obvious positions of all–face-to-face with your husband or wife, a position that God has reserved for humans alone.
6. Pray for each other daily. One simple thing that Lana and I have done since the beginning of our marriage is to go to bed together at the same time whenever we can, and to pray for each other, out loud, every night before going to sleep.  This has helped us to know each other even better, as we share about the important things in our lives needing prayer.  It allows us to cover each other in prayer, as well as to regularly “clear the air” if there has been any tension between us during the day, as the Bible encourages all of us to do:  “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…” (Ephesians 4:26b).  This time of spiritual intimacy is often a precursor to a time of physical intimacy.

Our lovemaking can and should be life-giving, not destructive in any way.  As Jesus said:

“The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

By knowing your spouse, deeply and intimately, this can be yet another way that you can experience just such a full and abundant life.  And as you’ll see in the next chapter, it can bring about an abundance of life in other ways, too!

Review Questions

1. What is the meaning behind the Hebrew word “yada” which the Bible uses to describe sexual relations? (as used in Genesis 4:1, NKJV)

2. Who are some of the people listed in the Bible with whom God does not want us to engage in sexual relations or marriage? (2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Kings 11:2, Leviticus 18)

3. How does God want husbands and wives to treat each other’s bodies? (Ephesians 5:28-30)

4. What are some additional ways that God wants us to treat each other that can also be applied to sexual intimacy? (Ephesians 5:33, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

CHAPTER 6: VIEWING CHILDREN AS BLESSINGS

“God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number'” (Genesis 1:28)

If God wanted to bless you, what do you think those blessings might look like?  Don’t be surprised if they actually look a little bit like you!

For Adam and Eve, whom the Bible says were the first people that God “blessed,” God told them what form their blessing would take:  “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number'” (Genesis 1:28).  God could have blessed them and said, “Here, have four or five vacation homes!” or “Here, have nine or ten priceless cars!”  But instead He blessed them and said, “Here, have a bunch of kids!”  At first glance, some people might wonder if that was a blessing or a curse!

But a deeper look into the heart of God, as revealed from cover to cover in the Bible, shows that children are regarded as blessings from Him.  When God wanted to bless someone in the Bible, that blessing often took the form of a child.

When God “blessed” Adam and Eve, telling them to be fruitful and multiply, they did–having one child, then two, then three, and then “other sons and daughters” (see Genesis 5:4).

When God “blessed” Abraham and Sarah, He gave them a child, and told them that their descendants would one day be “as numerous as the stars of the sky and as the sand on the seashore” (see Genesis 22:17-18).

When God “blessed” Job after all of the tragedy that Job went through, God gave him all kinds of “stuff”–and ten children!  Those children had children of their own, who had children of their own, who had children of their own.  Job was eventually able to see “his children and their children to the fourth generation” (see Job 42:12-16).

I’ve noticed that most self-help books that talk about how to have a more blessed sex life rarely, if ever, mention the blessings of children that result from sex.  But from God’s point of view, the blessing of sex and the blessing of children go together, which brings us back full circle to the twin purposes for which God created sex in the first place:  for intimacy and fruitfulness.

This is not to say that if we don’t have children, or if we have only one child or a few children that we are not blessed by God.  As I’ve read through the Bible, God doesn’t give an optimal number of children for anyone.  Sarah had one, Rebekah had two, Eve had many–Jesus didn’t have any.  What I do find in the Bible is that each of these people viewed children as blessings from God regardless of how many, if any, they had.

But getting God’s mindset about children doesn’t always come naturally.

Getting God’s Mindset

When I was about twelve, an exchange student from another country lived with our family.  When she told us about her family and how she and her ten brothers and sisters all lived in a small house in what we would consider poverty, we felt sorry for her.  There were three of us kids in our family and we felt rich by comparison.  What a shock it was to later hear that her father felt sorry for us!  How poor that family must be, he thought, to have so few children.

I had to rethink my definition of what it means to be rich and what it means to be poor!  Several years later, when I was about to marry Lana, I had to rethink my definition even more!

As Lana and I talked about our future together, she told me that she wanted to have twelve kids!  She came from a family of nine and said that she always wished there were more kids around to play with.  In my family of three kids, I was thrilled whenever I had the peace and quiet of the house all to myself.  Somebody’s mindset was going to have to change!

With our wedding just a few months away, I began to pray that God would give us the exact number of children He wanted us to have.  Six kids later, I’m still praying!

As I began to read the Bible on the subject of children, I began to see that person after person viewed children as blessings.

When King Solomon wrote about children, he said, “Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” (Psalm 127:5a).  When Mary found out she was pregnant with Jesus, she said, “From now on all generations will call me blessed…” (Luke 1:48b).  When some little children came up to Jesus, the disciples tried to “shoo” them away.  Jesus responded with these classic words, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14).  Whether we have one child, ten children or no children, God wants our hearts towards children to be the same as His:  viewing them as blessings from Him and blessings to Him.

While my mindset towards children began to change when I got married, to be honest, my heart didn’t catch up until Lana was pregnant with our third child.  Not that I wasn’t thrilled for the first two!  But with the uncertainty of what to expect during the first pregnancy and with the health complications that Lana experienced early on with the second, it wasn’t until the third pregnancy that I was finally able to relax and genuinely feel that God was blessing me.  In fact, I felt it so strongly when I found out Lana was pregnant for the third time, we decided to name our third child with two names that mean “blessing”–a double blessing!  I felt that I could finally see the true blessing of children from God’s point of view.

Sex, with God’s Blessing

As our view of sex lines up more and more with God’s view of sex, the blessings that come from sex become much more evident.  Bill Allison, the founder of Cadre Ministries, tells the story about a time when he was praying the prayer of Jabez and asking God to expand his borders.  When his wife became pregnant with their sixth child, she said, “He prayed, and I’m the one who got expanded!”

Having God’s mindset about children can change the actual experience of sex, too.  To make love with your spouse without fear of pregnancy, but actually thinking about it and looking forward to it as a blessing from God, is enough to knock your socks off.  Sex can be more fun and more exciting when there’s no holding back, knowing that what you’re doing is with the full knowledge of, consent of, and blessing of God.

For me, when Lana’s been pregnant, our times of intimacy have been just as enjoyable, if not more so.  Perhaps it has something to do with knowing that the child conceived within her has been conceived as a result of our lovemaking, not to mention the fact that her hormones double daily during pregnancy.

On the other hand, someone might rightfully ask:  “But isn’t it a lot of work to take care of kids?”  Absolutely!

As blessings of any kind increase, so do the responsibilities.  Jesus says:

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked” (Luke 12:48b).

Anyone who actually owns two or three vacation homes or two or three cars–let alone nine or ten–would attest to this fact.  Between all of the maintenance, repairs, taxes, insurance, and the ongoing investment of time, all these things can threaten to steal the joy from even the most enthusiastic homeowner or car lover.  The key to keeping your joy is keeping God’s perspective at the forefront of your mind–not a trivial task some days!–but a task that can turn something that might feel like a burden back into the blessing that God intended it to be.

God wants us to get His perspective on life, which doesn’t always come naturally.  As God says:

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

But when we ask Him to, God will help us to close the gap between His thoughts and ways and ours.  And when He does, it can make all the difference in the world, as I’ll share in the next and final chapter.

Review Questions

1. When God blessed Adam and Eve, with what did He bless them? (Genesis 1:28, Genesis 5:4)

2. What are some other examples from the Bible where children were viewed as blessings? (Genesis 22:17-18, Job 42:12-16, Psalm 127:5, Luke 1:48)

3. What also increases as the blessings of God increase? (Luke 12:48)

4. How different are our thoughts and ways compared to God’s? (Isaiah 55:8-9)

CHAPTER 7: THE DIFFERENCE GOD MAKES

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock” (Matthew 7:24).

There’s so much more I still want to tell you.  There’s so much more God still wants to tell you!  But I hope that what I’ve told you so far will give you a good foundation for everything else that God says about sex.

While there are many other issues that I could address here, and that God does address in the Bible, I feel that those I’ve covered so far will help to put many of the others into place.

The evangelist D. L. Moody said, “The best way to show that a stick is crooked is not to argue about it or to spend time denouncing it, but to lay a straight stick alongside it” (Love is the Greatest, George Sweeting, p. 81).

I hope this book will serve as a “straight stick” for you as you come across other issues related to sex.

Here’s a recap of some of the main points I hope you’ve gotten from this book so far:

1. God created sex for the twin purposes of intimacy and fruitfulness.  God loves people and He doesn’t want them to be alone.  Through sex, He’s made a way to fulfill the desires of His heart, while at the same time fulfilling the desires of our hearts.
2. God wants us to stay pure both before and within marriage. God wants us to treat others as if they’re someone else’s husband or wife until the day that we marry them, because until that day, they still might be.
3. God wants us to flee from temptation.  God knows what it’s like to be tempted and He will always provide us a way out of temptation if we’ll look for it and take it.  God wants us to learn to control our bodies, to pray against temptation, and to run from it!
4. God wants us to confess our sins so we can become pure again.  God doesn’t want Satan to keep us down when we sin.  By confessing our sins to Him and putting our faith in Jesus, God promises to forgive us of our sins so that we can live the life He’s called us to live, both here on earth and on into heaven.
5. God wants us to know our spouse intimately and regularly. God wants us to take time to know the husband or wife He has created for us, both before and after marriage.  The better we know them, the better we can treat them as the gifts from God that they truly are.
6. God wants us to view children as blessings.  By asking God to give us His mindset towards children, we can’t help but experience His blessings, regardless of how many, if any, children God might give us.

Before I close, I’d like to share with you the most profound difference that God has made in my life when I finally put into practice what He says about sex.  There’s no doubt that God wants us to know what He says about sex.  But knowing what He says and putting it into practice are two different things.  Jesus said it this way:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash” (Matthew 7:24-27).

Have you heard the story about the five frogs who were sitting on a log when one of them decided to jump off?  How many frogs were still left on the log?  All five!  One of them had only decided to jump off.

It’s one thing to decide to do what God says; it’s another to take the leap of faith and actually do it.  But when you do, hang on!  God will do for you more than all you could ask or imagine.

I know, because I’ve taken that leap myself.

The Difference God has Made for Me

I mentioned in the dedication of this book that my children might not be here today if it weren’t for the things I learned from God and have shared in this book.  I wasn’t kidding!

When I was living for my own desires, doing whatever felt good, I was on a path headed towards destruction and didn’t even know it.  I was just following my desires wherever they led me.

For a few years in college, my desires even led me into homosexuality, being sexually intimate with other men.  These relationships seemed to fulfill a valid need I had for close friendships with other men.  I didn’t realize that the way I was fulfilling that need wasn’t the way God wanted me to fulfill it.  I was just having fun, not realizing the danger that this presented to my life, nor the danger that this presented to God’s plan for my future.

The term AIDS was a new word at that time to describe the deadly condition that many homosexual men were contracting from their sexual activity with one another.  It never occurred to me that I could possibly get AIDS until several years later, just a few days after I had put my faith in Christ.  But that same week, someone happened to ask me if I had ever been tested for AIDS.  I hadn’t, so I went in for a test.  That’s when it hit me:  what I had been doing wasn’t just about fun and games, it was about life and death.  In the following week, as I waited for the results of the test to come back, I was afraid for my life.  I wasn’t afraid for my soul, because I had already put my faith in Christ.  I knew that God had forgiven me and that He would bring me to live with Him in heaven, even if I did die.  But I didn’t want to die.  I wanted to live the fullest possible life that God had created me to live.

You can imagine my relief when they gave me the results:  I didn’t have AIDS.  I don’t know why I was spared when others haven’t been, whether they’re Christians or not.  It certainly wasn’t because I deserved it.  But I knew that whatever the reason, I now had another shot at life.  I felt as if God had picked me up off the path of death and had put me on the path of life, and life abundant.

On this new path, God has given me a wife and six kids as a result of our sexual intimacy–life abundant!

What difference can it make to follow God’s plan for your life instead of your own?  For me, for my wife, and for our six kids who might never have been born, it’s made all the difference in the world.

God’s Blessing for You

The evangelist Billy Graham once gave a clear and concise summary of the difference God makes in our sex lives:

“Sex is the most wonderful thing on this earth, as long as God is in it.  When the Devil gets in it, it’s the most terrible thing on earth” (Just As I Am, Billy Graham, p. 244).

I couldn’t agree more.  If for any reason sex ever becomes, or has already become, one of the most terrible things on earth for you, I want to encourage you to keep turning to God and keep putting your faith in Him for everything in your life.  Ask Him to give you a new vision for how He wants you to view and experience sex.  There’s too much at stake for you to wait any longer–for you, for those around you, and for those who may not yet even be born.

Ask God to pick you up and put you on His path of life abundant, to send His Holy Spirit to keep you on that path, and to bless your life beyond all you could ask or imagine.

When you do, you’ll find that God is faithful.  When you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart.  That’s a promise straight from the Word of God:

“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

And it’s my heartfelt prayer for you.

“May He give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.”
Psalm 20:4-5

Review Questions

1. How would you summarize at least three things that God says about sex in the Bible? 

2. What did Jesus say the difference would be between those who hear what God says and those who do what God says? (Matthew 7:24-27)

3. What difference did it make in the life of the author to get God’s perspective on sex?

4. What does God promise to give you if you delight yourself in Him? (Psalm 37:4)

APPENDIX: WHAT IS SEX, ANYWAY?

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Sex is the process by which many living things reproduce, from plants, trees and animals, to birds, fish and people.

Sex is also one of the most incredible processes ever conceived in the mind of God.  I’ve been at the birth of each of my children, and the way a child is born is astounding.  But I’ve also been at the conception of each of my children, that moment in time when they were created, and I can say that the way a child is conceived in the first place is equally astounding, if not more so!

I’d like to describe that process to you here, as God has revealed it to us through the design of nature itself.  Although I’ve taken great care to describe this process in a simple way, don’t mistake my simple description for a simple process. The human reproductive system is one of the most intricate and complex systems ever created.

Sex 101

Babies are very fragile and need a safe place to grow, so God created just such a place inside each woman called a womb.  The womb is made of a soft, expandable tissue that gently cuddles a baby.

But a baby doesn’t start as a full-grown baby; it starts as a tiny egg, smaller than the dot at the end of this sentence.  When a woman reaches puberty, the age when she’s old enough to start having children, God designed her body to begin to release eggs into her womb.  About once every month, an egg is released from a small holding area, called an ovary, just above the womb.  When the ovary releases the egg, the egg glides down a thin tube towards the womb.  There are two of these ovaries and two of these tubes that lead into the womb.  Only one of the ovaries will usually release an egg each month.

The egg gradually makes its way through the tube, waiting to be fertilized, something I’ll discuss below.  If the egg isn’t fertilized within a few days, it simply travels on through the womb and down a larger tube that comes out of a woman’s body called the vagina.  The vagina is the central opening of the three openings between a woman’s legs.  The urethra, where the urine, or liquid waste comes out, is in front of the vagina, and the rectum, where the bowel movements, or solid waste comes out, is behind it.

The egg that comes out of the vagina is too small to be seen, but some of the blood that lines the inside walls of the womb does come out with the egg as a way of cleansing the womb before the process starts all over again.  Because this flow of blood containing the egg usually happens about once a month, or periodically, people call this monthly flow a period.  

The next month, the process starts over and another egg is released from one of the ovaries.  This egg then travels down the tube, called the fallopian tube, towards the womb, also called the uterus, to be possibly fertilized.  If the egg isn’t fertilized, it travels on through the womb and down the vagina, then comes out with the blood from the womb in the next period.

The release of eggs within a woman is important, but without fertilization, a baby can’t be created.  Fertilization is the spark that creates a new life.  Fertilization occurs when something called a sperm comes into contact with an egg.  Sperm are also very tiny; they’re even smaller than the egg.

But a woman’s body doesn’t produce sperm.  Sperm are only produced inside a man’s body.  Just as a woman’s body contains two ovaries where eggs are stored, a man’s body contains two testicles where sperm are produced.  These two testicles are held in a sack of skin, called the scrotum, found between a man’s legs.  The sperm must be kept a little cooler than the rest of the body, so God created this sack to hang just outside the man’s body to keep the temperature just right.

When a man gets old enough to start having children, his testicles begin to produce sperm.  Since a sperm and an egg must come into contact with each other in order to create a child, God designed a way to get the sperm and egg together without ever having to travel outside a human body.  And the way God brings the sperm and egg together is through this incredible experience called sex.

Our bodies are wired with special nerves near the surface of our skin that can make us feel great when someone gives us a hug or a kiss.  But God has saved a romantic kind of hugging and kissing that we can enjoy with our husbands or wives that can feel even more amazing.

During these special times of hugging and kissing, a man’s penis is stimulated by all the touching so that it becomes straight and firm, even though it’s still soft to the touch.  The penis becomes this way as blood rushes into it and flows into a unique type of body tissue found in the penis.

As the man and woman snuggle closer to each other, his penis begins to release a smooth, clear, lotion-like fluid called semen.  In the same way, the woman’s body releases a similarly smooth and clear fluid that lubricates her vagina, the tube that leads into her womb.  All of this naturally produced lotion makes the rubbing and touching even more smooth and wonderful.

God has designed the woman’s vagina to be soft and expandable so that her husband’s penis can fit softly and snugly inside it. As a man and woman continue to love each other in this way, with his penis gently rubbing inside her vagina, the rubbing movements eventually trigger millions of these minuscule sperm to be released from the testicles and they combine with the semen. The combined sperm and semen then travel up through the penis and into the woman’s vagina and then on into the woman’s womb.

If one of the woman’s ovaries has already released an egg into the tube leading to the womb, the first sperm to reach the egg and come into contact with it sparks the process of fertilization.  When that happens, a moment called conception, a new life is created and begins to grow in the womb.

After the sperm has been released from the man into the woman, the man’s penis begins to relax, and the husband and wife can continue to hold each other, hugging and kissing as long as they want.

The biological term for this process is sexual intercourse, which is usually just shortened to the word sex.  Because this process feels so great and makes a husband and wife feel so loved by each other, the experience is sometimes called making love.

God calls it becoming one flesh:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh”  (Genesis 2:24).

I call it a miracle!  I’ve never experienced anything like it in all my life.

When I first learned about sex, I thought that it was one of the most unusual things I had ever heard.  But since then, I’ve learned that it’s not unusual at all to God.  This is the process He’s been using for thousands of years to create new life.

If you ever have questions about sex, or about anything for that matter, ask God to give you His wisdom.  He’ll be glad to pour it out on you in abundance:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

Review Questions

1. What two things does God bring together through sex to create a child–one from a woman’s body and one from a man’s?

2. What happens to a woman’s egg if it has not been fertilized within a certain period of time?

3. What does God say that a man and his wife become when they are united together?  (Genesis 2:24)

4. What does God promise to give generously to those who ask Him for it? (James 1:5)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Described by USA Today as “a new breed of evangelist,” Eric Elder is an ordained pastor, the father of six kids, and the creator of The Ranch, a faith-boosting website that attracts thousands of visitors each month at www.TheRanch.org.

Eric is also an inspirational writer and speaker, having written about God for publications like Billy Graham’s Decision Magazine, and spoken about sex at national conferences like the International Freedom Conference.

By combining the topics of God and sex into this one book, Eric has created a short work that speaks volumes. Adults will appreciate his helpful insights and practical wisdom, parents will appreciate his tasteful approach to a delicate subject, and teens and pre-teens will appreciate his openness, honesty, and sense of humor which are woven throughout the pages of this book.

To listen to, download or order more inspiring resources, please visit: www.TheRanch.org