When I was in college, my first sexual experiences were with men. I wondered if I would ever be able to have experiences with women, get married to a woman, and have children through marital intercourse.

I found that it was possible, and I was able to have a wonderful marriage to my wife of 23 years until she passed way about 12 years ago. Together, we had six children. I know my story isn’t everyone’s story, but I also know that God CAN take our attractions and align them with our goals for our lives—and with God’s goals for us.

In 2017, I wrote a book about my attractions and highlighted literally hundreds of one-on-one conversations I’ve had with others over the years about their attractions. The book is called Loving God & Loving Gays: What’s A Christian To Do?.

Even though the title suggests that the book is focused on a specific topic, many readers who have never experienced same-sex attractions have told me that it helped them understand why they’re attracted to the people they’re attracted to—and how to manage those attractions in a healthy way.

Below, I’ve included an excerpt from my book to highlight just a few of these conversations. I hope you find them helpful. If you want to learn more, you can watch this week’s podcast at the link below, where I also share a song and a prayer. You can get the book at inspiringbooks.com

And if you wonder if change is possible—whatever you’re going through—remember that powerful word "were" in this passage from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians:

"And that is what some of you WERE. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God" (1 Corinthians 6:11).

Watch today’s podcast here!

Get the book here!

Chapter 3: "A Few Words About Attractions"

In which I share about the complexity of attractions, where they come from, what to do with them, and the fact that they can and do change—sometimes quite significantly.

from Loving God & Loving Gays
by Eric Elder

There’s much debate about where attractions come from, whether they’re inborn or not, whether they’re shaped by circumstances or not, whether they’re chosen or not, and whether they’re changeable or not. Thankfully, I’m here to answer all your questions, definitively (he says, wryly).

I think a good starting point is to ask, “Why are we attracted to anyone we’re attracted to?”

Although this story isn’t in the Bible, I’ve heard that Adam was talking to God one day about Eve.

Adam said, “God, why did you make her so beautiful?”

God said, “I made her that way, Adam, so that you would be attracted to her.”

Adam thought for a moment, then said, “But, God, why did you make her so dumb?”

To which God replied, “I made her that way, Adam, so that she would be attracted to you.”

(It’s a joke which offends everyone equally, which my kids tell me is what makes it so funny.)

While that story about attractions isn’t in the Bible, there are plenty of others which are, stories such as Jacob’s attraction to Rachel (healthy, see Genesis 28-30), David’s attraction to Bathsheba (unhealthy, see 2 Samuel 11-12) or Amnon’s attraction to Tamar (very unhealthy, see 2 Samuel 13).

Each of these stories describes different heartfelt attractions, yet each of the stories have dramatically different endings. Why? Because of the choices the people made about what to do with the attractions they were feeling—choices which either fulfilled or destroyed God’s plans for their lives.

I’ve talked to hundreds of people in one-on-one conversations over the course of 30 years, and I’m always amazed at the responses I get when talking about people’s attractions. People have wildly different attractions for wildly different reasons.

Some people like men with beards; others like men without. Some people like women with extensive curves; others like women with daintier forms. Some people think one actor is hot; others think the same actor is not. The reasons why people are attracted to other people vary about as much as the people themselves.

An elderly friend once told me, after first meeting a man whom we both knew, that she thought he was one of the ugliest men she had ever met. Although he wasn’t repulsive by any means, some of the features of his face were out of proportion to what she was used to seeing.

She went on to tell me, however, that after several months of getting to know him, she began to see him in a totally different way. He was a truly winsome man, and he won her over. Within a few months of thinking he was one of the ugliest men she had ever met, she came to see him as one of the most attractive men she had ever met.

I see this happen all the time, whether it’s with boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, or lovers, where a person who has had no particular attraction to someone else, somehow, suddenly finds that other person to be the sole object of their affections. I’ve seen people fall madly in love with other people who have previously not sparked even a flicker of interest in their hearts.

I’ve also seen this happen in reverse, where someone who was at one time wildly attracted to someone else, later—either suddenly or over a period of time—no longer had any attraction to that person whatsoever. The flame that had once burned so brightly had gone out completely. The person had “lost that lovin’ feelin’,” with not even a wisp of smoke left from the fire that once raged so strongly within.

What causes people’s attractions to change so dramatically like this?

Oftentimes, nothing has changed in terms of the appearance or persona of the one being adored or abhorred, but everything has changed within the mind of the person doing the adoring or abhorring.

It’s been said that the single most important sex organ in the body is the mind. After more than 30 years of hearing people’s stories about what attracts them and what doesn’t, I’m convinced that this is true.

I’ve also found something particularly insightful when talking to people with same-sex attractions, that is, attractions toward people who are the same sex as they are. People with same-sex attractions are not usually attracted to everyone of their own sex, but only to a small subset.

In talking with a man who has wrestled with same-sex attractions for many years, I asked if he was attracted to all men or only to some. He replied, “Only to some, and not to many at that.”

While he was struggling with his attractions to certain men, he realized during our conversation that he wasn’t attracted to all men, but, in fact, to only a few.

When I asked what types of men he was attracted to, he listed specific qualities and characteristics which he equated with what he longed for in a close friendship with a man. Even if he was born with an attraction to men, he certainly wasn’t born with an attraction to all men, because he simply didn’t have an attraction to all men, but only to a small subset of men.

Let me underscore this point even more. I was talking with an African-American man one day about his attractions toward men. When we started our conversation, he told me he was absolutely convinced he was born gay. Why else, he wondered, would he have had these feelings all his life?

When I asked him if he was attracted to all men, or only to some, he answered, “Only to some, for sure!”

This man then went on to tell me that there were men of a certain age above his and below his to which he was definitely not attracted. He also told me there were some types of men by which he was absolutely repulsed, because of the way they walked or talked or carried themselves, and with such men he would never consider a romantic relationship, no matter what.

Most telling of all, however, to both him and to me, was when he said that within that smaller subset of men, he was only attracted to white men. He had never, ever, not once, had an attraction to or an encounter with another African-American man.

After a few moments of taking in what he had just said, I asked, as gently as I could, “So what you’re telling me is that when God created you, He created you both gay AND racist?”

The man happened to be the head of diversity at a prestigious university. He burst out with a laugh at the irony of the truth that had just dawned upon him. The head of diversity was happy to be diverse except in the area that was most intimate to him.

Although he may not have known the why’s and wherefore’s behind the attractions he had, he realized it was wrong to attribute his attractions to God or to nature just because he didn’t know from where else they may have come.

In that moment, both this man and I could see that there was something about his attractions that were not due to the way he was wired from birth, but more likely from something else that was at play.

While there may have been something about the way he was designed from conception which played into the attractions he had, the fact that he was not attracted to all men, nor even to most men, but only to a particular subset of men with a particular subset of traits, made us both realize that there was probably more going on in his attractions than simply being “born gay.”

Do I think there are reasons why we’re attracted to certain people, some of which may have to do with the way God has wired us? Yes! Sometimes our reactions and responses to other people, and their reactions and responses to us, are indeed generated by particular features or traits that were given to us by God at birth. (And before this chapter ends, I’ll share with you some of the reasons why my particular wiring made me particularly receptive to the advances of other men.)

But I also believe that there are reasons which go beyond our initial wiring at birth that cause us to be drawn to or repelled by certain people, regardless of their gender.

This excerpt is from my book Loving God & Loving Gays: What’s A Christian To Do? You can get a copy in audio, paperback or downloadable PDF from inspiringbooks.com. Also available in Spanish.